Gin It Up!

Leslie:Your heart is really in the right place.

Leslie:And your butt.

Leslie Knope:Crap on a turd!

Recall Committee Member:Here you go kids, take these gift bags home to your parents.

Leslie:Wait, what's in the gift bags?

Recall Committee Member:Recall Leslie Knope pamphlets and buttons.

Leslie:You're handing out anti-me propaganda to third graders?

Recall Committee Member:It's a grassroots campaign.

Leslie:It's a grass-roots campaign using actual grass roots. You're using children!

Leslie:Wait, why didn't I just... do that?

Ben:Because you're Leslie Knope.

Leslie:Oh my God, you're so right. That's the obvious solution. I love it. Everyone, we're doing this instead.

April:Can I have the leftover question mark stickers?

Leslie:Why do you need question mark stickers?

April:I'm going to put them on stop signs so they say 'Stop?' You know, to make people question things.

Leslie:April, that could cause accidents.

April:I know.

April:I'm sorry, but according to Parks Department Policy 7-B, subsection 12, medical events can only be scheduled during months that contain the letter 'R', and the organizer must be either a licensed physician or a moderately attractive beaver. You're a doctor, so that checks out, but this month is July, which has no R in it.

April:You have to choose: witch coven or slip-and-slide.

Doctor:Um... witch coven?

April:Wrong answer. It's slip-and-slide.

Doctor:Wait, I was just playing along. I don't actually believe in witches.

April:So if someone were to slip and fall on a slide that wasn't real, would they still get hurt?

Doctor:I'm not going to answer that.

April:You're not a doctor, you're a witch doing satanic rituals.

Tom:Hello, I'm Tom Haverford, Director of Business and Revenue Optimization for the Parks Department.

Tom:I basically run this entire city. Well, the fun parts anyway.

April:Tom, I'm going to help you impress Nadia. I'm going to tell her you're a Russian parks administrator.

Tom:What? No, April, that's insane.

April:Your name is Tomislav. You ran the parks system in Moscow for twelve years. You're very serious about it.

Tom:I'm not doing this.

April:You also have a scar from a bear attack. It's on your back, so no one can see it, which is why you never mention it.

Tom:Russian? Me? No, no, no. I'm not Russian. I'm British, mate. Born and raised in London, England.

Tom:The name's Tom. Tom Haverford. Very British. Tea and crumpets and all that.

Ron:A folder would be much deadlier.

Ron Swanson:A folder would be deadlier than a bow in my hands.

Leslie Knope:...Yeah, that's fair.

Ron:A will? It's simple. You die, your stuff goes to people you like. You don't like them? Burn it.

Ron:I've left my entire estate to whoever kills me.

Ben:What are these symbols?

Ron:Only my killer will understand them.

Ron:I don't need a lawyer. Lawyers are useless. Doctors are useless. And accountants are useless.

Ben:Ron, you're literally talking to a lawyer right now.

Ron:Present company excepted.

Ron:Lawyers are one of the three most useless jobs.

Someone:Your possessions will go to the government.

Ron:Well, I want a lawyer.

Council member:I move to end the session.

Council member:Second.

Leslie:Wait, we still have seventeen items on the agenda.

Council member:Exactly.

Council Member:It's not personal.

Leslie:It's not personal? That's literally the definition of personal. Personal means it's about a person. You don't like me, the person. That's personal.

Leslie Knope:But you just said it was personal!

Council Member:It's not personal, it's just business.

Donna:I'm gonna go home and have a drink with a firefighter.

Tom:There's a peach, an eggplant, a water droplet, and a little skull emoji. The skull emoji is a nice touch.

Tom:I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little turned on right now.

Donna:Y'all are overreacting. This is literally the tamest thing I've ever tweeted.

Jamm:This Twitter scandal is a disgrace to our city. We need to remember what happened on 9/11.

Jeremy Jamm:Don't worry, I'm going to blow this completely out of proportion.

Leslie Knope:We're going to nip this in the bud.

Tom Haverford:Yes! And then we'll water it down, let it wilt, and throw it in the compost bin!

Doctor:We want to establish a regional office here in Pawnee.

Leslie:That's wonderful! Why Pawnee?

Doctor:Pawnee somehow has more West Nile virus than the region it's named after.

Tom:Okay, so Pawnee has the highest disease rate in the state. But look, we're number one at something. We're beating the entire Western Nile region in... in...

Tom:...disease rates.

Tom:I'm going to sound very British and sophisticated right now.

Tom:That's absolutely brilliant, innit? Bob's your uncle, Queen's gambit, fish and chips, Big Ben.

Ben:I mean, compared to lawyers, accountants are the bad boys. We're out here just living on the edge, doing whatever we want. Last week I wore a polo shirt with khakis. A polo shirt!

Ben:Ron, I'd like you to meet our estate planning lawyer.

Ron:Pleasure.

Ben:I told him about your legal needs. Guess you could say we're hunting for some good will.

Ron:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Ben:I guess you could say making a will is all about having the write idea.

Lawyer:I don't like puns.

Lawyer:I can't help you without more information.

Ben:You just need to have the will to do it.

Lawyer:Sir, I literally need your will. The legal document.

Lawyer:Ben, stop with the puns! I'm serious.

Ben:I know you are. And don't worry - I have the will to stop.

Ben:Oh no... I did it again, didn't I?

Leslie:Okay, so what happened was I tweeted about the pothole on Ramsett Street, but then it got retweeted by the bot account, which made it look like I was endorsing the thing about the... the thing... and now everyone thinks I hate... infrastructure? No wait, I LOVE infrastructure. I'm very pro-infrastructure. But the tweet made it sound like I was anti-infrastructure, which is basically anti-Pawnee, which makes me anti-government, which technically makes me a libertarian, and you KNOW how I feel about libertarians!

Jamm:As per the municipal code, we need to follow proper protoculation.

Leslie:That's not a word.

Jeremy Jamm:You keep changing your story. First you said one thing, now you're saying another.

Leslie Knope:Okay, well, when I was a kid, I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows. Then I learned it actually comes from regular cows, and they add chocolate. Did that make me a liar? No. It made me a learner. And that's what I'm doing here — learning and growing.

Jeremy Jamm:This Twitter scandal is just like Watergate, Iran-Contra, and the Monica Lewinsky affair combined.

Jeremy Jamm:But ultimately, it's completely meaningless and nobody cares.

Leslie Knope:We should be inclusive about gender pronouns in this investigation.

Jeremy Jamm:Yeah, yeah, absolutely. She, her, hers... them, they, theirs... and also me with multiple women at the same time.

Nadia:Wait, where's your British accent? It's completely gone.

Tom:Oh, that? Yeah, I caught a cold. It affects your voice in very British ways. The accent just... evaporates. It's science.

Nadia:Let me take a look at you.

Tom:Okay.

Nadia:You don't have a cold. You're wearing moisturizer. A lot of moisturizer.

Tom:Yeah, well, wrinkles are a sign of aging, and I'm not getting any younger.

Nadia:Now there's glitter on his neck too.

Tom:It's a moisturizer with subtle shimmer. It's for men.

Tom:I'm gonna use government inefficiency as a dating strategy. See, I'll take a girl out on a date, and then I'll say, 'You know what? The government is so inefficient, it takes them six months to process a marriage license.' She'll be like, 'That's crazy!' And I'll be like, 'Yeah, so we might as well just skip all that and go straight to my apartment.' It's foolproof.

Tom:You need to fill out Form 27-B to proceed with your request.

Nadia:What's Form 27-B?

Tom:It's the application for hangar space at the regional airport.

Nadia:But I'm not trying to store a plane.

Tom:Yeah, well, you should've thought of that before you decided to exist in Pawnee.

Tom:Wait, wait, wait. Is that... are those party supplies in aisle seven? I think I see streamers. We should probably check on those immediately. For safety reasons.

News reporter:We've obtained access to a private Twitter account through a third party.

News reporter:That third party is our shared hairdresser.

Donna:You told everyone at the community center about my bunions?

Hairdresser:That's right. And you know why? Because you didn't come to my themed brunch party.

Donna:A themed brunch?

Hairdresser:It was Mimosas and Memes. You broke my heart, Donna.

Lawyer:According to these documents, your net worth is... Holy shit.

Trevor:You're telling me you have three million dollars?

Ron:That's correct.

Trevor:How is that possible?

Ron:I don't spend money on frivolous things. I don't go to restaurants, I don't take vacations, I don't own a computer. I just work and save. It's a very simple philosophy.

Trevor:Well, that's... that's actually very impressive.

Ron:Also, jokes are lies told in a social setting. I don't tell jokes, so people assume I'm very wealthy. I am.

Ron:You're a public servant, but you serve the public poorly. I've seen more competence in a sloth sanctuary. Now get out of my office.

Donna:Leslie Knope is incompetent and her ideas are terrible. #ParksAndRec #DonnaKnowsBest

Leslie:A poll? About me? What are the options?

Donna:98% annoying, 99% annoying, or 100% annoying. Also, you're basically Sookie Stackhouse but less useful.

Donna:I'm not annoying. Annoying is your thing.

Leslie:What? No it's not!

Leslie:My things are community organizing, local government, and breakfast foods. I'm passionate about these things.

Donna:Leslie, those are just regular things.

Leslie:No, they're MY things. Like, I organized the Harvest Festival, I got the Rededication of the Pit off the ground, I invented the concept of 'Treat Yo Self' day—

Donna:You didn't invent that.

Leslie:Well, not invent, but I perfected it. And waffles, Donna. Waffles are my thing. I've had waffles for breakfast for the past 2,000 days straight.

Donna:That's not a personality trait, that's a cry for help.

Leslie:You're just jealous because your thing is being mean, and nobody wants that thing, Saucy Mama.

Chris:Leslie's management style is really quite effective. She leads with passion and optimism, which creates a positive work environment. She empowers her team members to take ownership of their projects, and she has this infectious enthusiasm that makes people want to work harder. She's also very detail-oriented and follows up on everything. I've been doing a lot of CrossFit lately, by the way. I'm up to 47 pull-ups in a single set. I also recently discovered this organic quinoa blend that has completely changed my approach to macronutrient distribution, and I'm only eating foods with a pH level above 7.

Chris:You know, Donna, the way you use hashtags is fascinating from a linguistic standpoint. It's almost like you're creating your own dialect.

Donna:I know what I'm doing, Chris.

Chris:I'm sure you do, but it's like... language is a lot like racquetball. You've got your walls, your angles, your velocity. And hashtags are the ball. You're just whacking them around with no regard for court positioning or basic strategy.

April:What's your airline called?

Tom:It's called Jet Blue Ivy. It's a combination of Jet Blue and Blue Ivy Carter. And I'm predicting right now that we're gonna have a really good year.

Tom:Look, I may have made a tiny adjustment to your permit application. But I have a solution. How about instead of a park, we spend some quality time together? I'm thinking dinner, maybe some wine, I'll wear my good jeans.

Nadia:Tom, you sabotaged my permit?

Tom:Sabotaged is such a strong word. I prefer 'strategically redirected.' But yes, now you're free to spend time with me instead.

Nadia:I've been trying to get this permit for three months. Three months! I have a medical degree. I know diseases. And right now, I wish every single one of you government workers would catch the flu.

Ron:I was just messing with you. Emotions are stupid.

Ben:Ron, you can't reject the entire concept of human emotion.

Ron:Watch me.

Ron:I don't believe in coddling my children. I give them a small allowance—five dollars a week—which teaches them the value of money while ensuring they never have enough to buy anything fun.

Ron:I have killed a boar. I have been killed by a boar. It's an endless cycle.

Ben:Wait, hold on. 5% of Ron's fortune?

Ben:That's like... that's still millions of dollars.

Ben:Ron, you can't give kids millions of dollars.

Ben:Wait, so you're naming me as guardian for your kids?

Ron:Actually, my first choice is the maitre d' at the steakhouse.

Leslie:You're just scoring cheap political points.

Jamm:Cheap? These points are expensive. I have a very high-priced consultant who helps me score them.

April:Tom didn't sabotage anything. He's too incompetent to pull off sabotage. He can barely sabotage his own life.

Nadia:You know what? Your desperate weirdness... I'm going to count that as romantic.

April:Tom is an idiot. But he's OUR idiot. And he's going to mess things up, but he'll do it with the best intentions and a weird smile on his face. So yeah, he's terrible. But he's also kind of great.

Ron Swanson:Ron: 'I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.'

Ben Wyatt:Ben: 'If you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.'

Ron Swanson:Ron: 'I'd never lose to a boar.'

Leslie Knope · Donna Meagle:Leslie's apology gift: all of Donna's favorite lipsticks and nail polishes, with a printed schedule for wearing them at the same time. Leslie wants Donna to open each one in front of her and tell her how she feels about them 'individually.'

Donna Meagle · Leslie Knope:Donna: 'What's the hashtag gonna be? Boss bitch or bitch boss?' / Leslie: 'Yeah, it's psycho boss.' / Donna: 'Eh, I don't hate that.'

Ron Swanson · Ben Wyatt · Trevor (Lawyer):Ron tells Ben he's decided to leave each of his children 5% of his fortune. Ben: 'Wow, 5 whole percent.' Then Ben and the lawyer realize 5% of Ron's hidden fortune is an enormous amount.

Ron Swanson · Ben Wyatt:Ron reveals he's leaving each child 5% of his fortune. Ben: 'Wow, 5 whole percent.' Ron: 'Oh my God, that's 5%? That is a lot of money.'

Ben Wyatt · Trevor (Lawyer) · Ron Swanson:Ron: 'Wait, is this a joke?' / Trevor: 'It is not a joke. Not that an accountant would know the difference.'

Ron Swanson · Ben Wyatt:Ron names Ralph Piatkowski, the Maître D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and his wife Helen as guardians for his children — because Ralph 'knows him better than anyone.' Ben and Leslie are 'choice number two.'

Jeremy Jamm · Witch Coven:Jamm: 'Everyone, take your seats, so this witch hunt may proceed as scheduled.' / Someone: 'Speaking of, where are the witches?' / The witch coven shows up to claim their park reservation.

Witch Coven Representative · Jeremy Jamm:The witches: 'We're not witches. That's sexist and offensive. But we're right here, and we are not gonna sit in this room and let you drag our names through the mud just to score some cheap political points.' / Jamm: 'How dare you demean the value of the political points I'm scoring?'

Jeremy Jamm · Donna Meagle:Jamm: 'Donna, quit punishing me! I miss you.' / Donna: 'Uh-uh! Bridge burned, Typhoon. Or should I say, Norman? Uh-huh.'

Tom Haverford · April Ludgate · Nadia Statsky:Tom's new plan: 'Tell her all the screw-ups were your fault. I'll tell her I had to cover for you, because you are so dumb.' / April (to Nadia): 'Tom wants me to tell you that all the screw-ups were my fault, but really, he kept messing up so that you would stay in Pawnee as long as possible because he is super into you.'

Nadia Statsky · April Ludgate:Nadia: 'Is any part of him British?' / April: 'No.' / 'So, that was just weird, panicky dude behavior?' / 'Yeah.'

Nadia · Tom Haverford:Nadia: 'I'm just trying to figure out if acting that insane is like, romantic, or totally scary.' / Tom: 'I'll go with romantic.'

April Ludgate:April's pitch for Tom: 'He's sweet, he's cool, and you're, like, way out of his league, so there's literally no risk for you at all here.'

Nadia Statsky:Nadia: 'I am going to Rwanda in like two weeks for my job, so, what the hell?'

April Ludgate:April: 'Okay, you owe me, like, 1,000 favors. See ya.'