Chris Traeger

Well done, Ann. I actually heard that.

You know, isn't it funny how these setups are always just so awkward?

I will now extinguish this candle with my bare hand.

It looked so much easier on the Internet.

or the potatoes or this candle or this beer or this flower or this bread.

Yeah but what's inside that bread? Could be cheese.

Frankly, I don't want to invest in someone who only has three months to live.

Sometimes smiling is read as AIDS.

You got a big, industrial-sized oven.

We almost wheeled you out of here in a chair.

Imagine if you had spent rest of your life sipping a steak through a straw.

I should have noticed that you're missing a heart.

Hey, do you mind if we pick up my son Nate at his basketball game on the way back?

The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties? I love him. No. Jerry who works with Leslie.

That Jerry? Yeah. He got mugged? Oh. Well, I mean, that's kind of a bummer, too.

Chris's over-the-top enthusiasm: 'there is quite literally nothing I would rather have in the world than a tour of the parks and recreation department'

Chris's carousel metaphor for government reform ending with 'get those happy kids back up on the horses where they belong!'

Chris's vitamin routine: 'B12? Evening primrose oil? Willow bark? Magnesium?' and his belief he'll live 150 years

Chris needing someone present when he takes his multivitamin because of 'choking hazard'

I'd like some water. I'd like it to be cold. I'd like it without ice. I'd like it in a glass or a mug with no handle.

I'm very glad that you agree with me, but I actually worked really hard on my argument. Is there any way I can still kind of... / Yeah? / I'd love to hear it.

I have run 10 miles a day every day for 18 years. That's 65,000 miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.

I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientist who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

I'd love to go out on a date with you. I think you might find me attractive because you got drunk and kissed me when we first met. And no pressure, but I do have tonight open.

Massage train. And I know what you're thinking. It's not that I want a massage. I'll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.

Mean Ben? / No, no, no. Mean Ben?

Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

No. Damn! Sorry, Leslie.

Save it. Okay? I know you don't have faith in me and my department, and that's fine. But don't expect me to sit here and chitchat with you. / All right. Fair enough. Go the other way. / But I'm just going to that... / All right, I'II...

I love dates. I love connecting with someone. I love engaging them. I love being surprised by them. I have never had a bad date. They've all been either great or phenomenally great.

Nurses are the most undervalued members of our society by far. I think all of you should make as much money as the CEO of Google.

I was born with a blood disorder. And my parents were told that I had three weeks to live. And here I still am, some 2,000-odd weeks later, and I have enjoyed every one of them.

After dinner, we should take a walk by the pond in Ramsett Park. Walking in parks can be very romantic. / Yeah, too bad the park's always closed, though.

This place is outstanding! Great call, Leslie Knope.

I'm sort of a gay hero. Last year, I married two penguins at the zoo, and it turned out they were both gay.

Mission accomplished? / Yeah. There's a mission that Ann had thought of. It was both of our ideas, but it was mostly Ann's.

I've just had my first bad date.

That, literally, is the most moving thing I've ever heard.

Ended with a five-and-a-half minute mile. My personal low.

I think the pavement in this town is soft.

I have 2.8% body fat. My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it.

The microchip has been compromised.

Pierre Garcon was a sixth-round pick. Collie was the fourth round. Indianapolis Colts know how to draft so well.

Nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating. I love the flu.

Way to go, buddy. Way to go.

Present company excluded. Oh, thank you. Uh, I was talking about me.

I can literally see my face in my shoes.

Those are sports sandals. They're for adventure racing. The human foot is the ultimate technology.

I'm nice. Good! Nice. What else? I'm in a band. Band! What else? That's it.

And also, there's a pretzel stand over there that literally serves the best pretzel I've ever had.

This feels almost perfect, but I don't think your core has maximized elasticity. Okay. I'll come back, if you guys are being weird.

That sounds boring. But I have nothing keeping me here. Do you have Internet in your office? Yes. Fine, I'll do it.

I want to define your bagua. It's a feng shui term. The energy in this house is a little stale.

Wow, that's disgusting. Yes, it's very hard to drink.

There's a lot of men's coats in here. I like coats.

Portobello mushrooms. Where's the steak? Oh, there's no steak. That's a healthier option.

I'm a human being. Sometimes I get blemishes. I'm not perfect.

We broke up last week.

Of course, I am gonna miss Indianapolis, which is the most wonderful city in America.

You're all my little hydration packs.

I'm sure I am not. - Ron! You are too. Hydration pack!

Ketchup and mustard. - Ketchup and mustard, I just was... Oh! That is so delightful. I relish your wit.

I was just out for my nighttime run, and I thought, 'why not go visit the Parks Department?'

I'm much more receptive to new ideas when my heart rate is still elevated.

You know, I've never moved this slowly before. It's almost like being in quicksand.

Oh, no. - Oh, no? - Oh, no. - No, no, no. I wasn't saying that...

Pawnee is, as you all know, the fourth most obese city in America. Soon to be number three. We're coming for you, San Antonio. No, we are not. We are slimming down.

I will be running backwards up the big hill behind the Walmart.

Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence. Has the opposite effect on me.

What do I get if I win? The rarest jewel of all. Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

This tastes as delicious as Beyoncé smells. I'm guessing.

Granted, it's been a long time since I've had a hamburger.

He oversees every department. It simply can't happen.

This isn't anything like your affair with Tom Haverford. - We weren't--you--you--

Ooh, sparks are flying! I may have to call the fire department. That's a government joke.

Uh, let's start with government-funded animal porn. Oh, I'm not sure that's fair. I want it destroyed, and I want a statement from this office apologizing for an obscene depiction of bestiality. Be--bestiality?

In college, I was in a nude production of Cats.

Imagine my horror. I'm hanging upside-down with my gravity boots watching Perd.

If I had my laptop with me right now, I would show you a well-hidden folder with gigabytes of proof.

My heart is racing. It's going literally 45 beats a minute.

The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper. Miss Chlamydia.

I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

Really? / No, I threw up in the shower.

There is literally nothing in this world that you cannot do.

Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, and my bladder is the size of a thimble. I urinate roughly 12 times a night.

The key to a healthy urethra, radishes. Good, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night. Good night. Well, now I'm up. You wanna Boggle?

You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero.

This desk is the epitome of the Swedish concept of jämställdhet, or 'equality.'

Swivel! What is it, Jerry? You told me to say your name. And you did a great job, superstar.

You look like a freak. Swivel!

Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future. I made that expression up when I was 14. Still in use today. By me.

You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department. Now, wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.

Citizen request. Swivel, swivel, swivel. Hello. I can help you in here, sir.

The other option was shoulder cancer. Really? No.

Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met.

Li'I Sebastian died? That's terrible. Yeah, well, he was old, and he had a lot of ailments. Like tendonitis? I don't know. I don't have his chart in front of me.

How long have you been sleeping with Ben? What? How long have you been sleeping with Ben? That's disgusting and wrong. I don't even get... Why would... I... I've never had sex with anyone anywhere.

Is tendonitis symptomatic of something larger? Really, that's the question you wanted to ask me? I'm just very worried.

I did do 10,000 push-ups last week. Oh, really. That might have something to do with it.

I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman. Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.

If I could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, I would. Wow, that is so sweet. Thank you.

The testicles are like the ears of the genital system. They serve a very important function, but they're not that great to look at.

There's an old sewage department saying, 'if you've got a nice drain pipe, there's no reason to hide it.' I doubt that's a saying.

I brought some Entertainment 720 pillowcases for your pillow. Never Stop Dreaming. Tom Haverford. I never do. Chris Traeger. Respect. Game recognize game.

That was despicable I am horrified at her tactics. That said, the show was very lively.

Joan 'Gotcha' Don't it hurt ya

Wow. That usually works.

Did you know that lab rats who are deprived of rest grow tumors all over their bodies? You should Google it. It's horrifying.

I'm your dad's boss. And his much younger friend.

I had an amazing lunch. I've already passed the kale salad I had.

full disclosure, she did spend the night at my house.

You are a policewoman. Yep. You're a regular... Sherlock Holmes. I solved that mystery before you did.

Replace his pasty British frailty with superhuman physical fitness, and you get... Sherlock Traeger.

You can text without looking at your phone? I think it's rude not to maintain eye contact with the people that I'm talking to.

And we may be having intercourse. Please, you've got to stop saying things like that to me.

The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann. I am going to launch a full-scale investigation.

I am, of course, shocked... And not just because Ben usually prefers tall brunettes.

Are you hugging me, or are we fighting? Are you hugging or fighting? Let me know.

I told you we'd feel better.

Well, you're radiating pure joy. I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots. And then I ate an unreasonable amount of St. John's wort, and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste rubbed it around my gums. And now my mouth feels like a spaceship.

How long were you two lovers? - Excuse me? - Oh, God.

May I remind you that you are under oath, and if you lie, I will fire you and have you prosecuted. Nothing. They will definitively prove nothing. You cut me off. I don't have any evidence.

'Cause your actions wounded me to my core, which is not easy since the bulk of my workouts are focused on core strengthening.

This is how I fight depression. Okay, fine. I'll stop.

Was all of this-- all the sneaking around, the scandal, losing your job-- Was it worth it? Yes. It was.

I'm literally crying and jumping. Crying noise, crying noise, nose blow.

I'm sorry. I can't get over the Gary/Jerry thing. Neither can I. Jerry, you can go. We need a five-minute break.

It's an experimental fabric called bumble-flex. It's made out of synthetic bees' wings.

This is a nasal spray. Give me the flash drive. Give me the nasal spray.

Leslie Knope! I am much faster than you! I have bumble-flex!

Your suspension's been lifted. Please, come back to work. Thank you.

No. I find calzone fatty and unnecessary.

Ben is massively depressed. And he needs my help.

What about pizza? Pizza? Never heard of it.

That idea is literally the greatest idea I have ever heard in my life.

That idea is terrible.

With my claymaish? With your life. You are wildly, insanely depressed.

The Letters to Cleo T-shirt, the unshaven face, the Doc Martens... And your hair does not have that normal uptight, rigid, inflexible Ben Wyatt sense of fun.

OH, MY GOD. I COULD USE THAT FOR A ROMANTIC NIGHT WITH MILLICENT GERGICH. OUT OF MY WAY, SUCKERS.

AS CITY MANAGER, I PLAY NO FAVORITES. BUT AS A PRIVATE CITIZEN, I AM FREE TO SUPPORT WHOMEVER I CHOOSE, AND I CHOOSE TO SUPPORT TEAM KNOPE 'CAUSE THEY'RE THE BEST. EVERYBODY'S THE BEST. WE'RE ALL WINNERS.

I AM GOING TO ASK MILLICENT GERGICH TO MOVE IN WITH ME. D-I--I MEAN, IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU OF COURSE, JERRY.

I'VE DONE SOME READING, AND AN OCTAGON IS THE OPTIMAL SHAPE FOR A HOME IN TERMS OF ENERGY FLOW.

JERRY, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU PULL RANK.

WELL, AS YOU MAY KNOW, MILLICENT GERGICH ENDED OUR RELATIONSHIP LAST NIGHT, WHICH WAS DISAPPOINTING. BUT HERE'S WHY IT MAY BE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED.

Millicent Gergich has literally torn my heart from my body, and replaced it with a thick slab of sadness.

Tom, this is a publicly funded couples dance. I don't think it's appropriate for people to be 'getting wet with sound.'

Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA.

What if she was my personal best? No. Your best is still ahead of you. I am 44 years old. You don't look a day over 30. Most people say 25. Who says that? A lot of people.

I just had no idea. And so, now, I have to... ...adjust.

I'd like popcorn and candy and the home team at the game. Boom.

As the Germans would say, 'er ist ein wunder hund.' He is a wonder dog.

The dog training course I took was conducted entirely in German, and so now I'm fluent in German... Words relating to dogs.

He's a mutt. Half amazing, half terrific.

Ich bin ein three-legged dog.

Toxic. Merkel. - Merkel. - What is 'Merkel'? She's the Chancellor of Germany.

Dog whistle.

I have a stepbrother who lives in London and 2.8% body fat.

You probably should just sit there and not move. She's really tired. Just a few hours. Few hours?

Great exercise, and it literally lets me see the world from a different perspective.

The world's my gymnasium, Ron. But I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable. Could you hold me while I dismount?

Water balloon fight. Fair enough.

Oh, you're still here? Yes.

You have extraordinary caput laterale

Great red shirt

I'm quite lonely

Oh! Wear your yoga pants.

Although the smells from the Greek restaurant next door are not ideal.

What do you say after work, you, me, whiskey, wheatgrass, Cranium?

I can literally make anything sound positive. Your house just burned down, and you lost all your money in the stock market. It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing, and true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.

If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.

Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town. And speaking of methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions?

I've heard that you and Tom Haverford are no longer romantically involved. Is that true? / Yes, we broke up. / And I honestly can't believe we ever dated. / Does defy logic.

Okay, I still have feelings for you. Strong feelings. Emotional, primal feelings.

Maybe not for long. If Newport wins, the city council may replace me. But it would open it up for us to be together.

Wha-- I'm on it. I'll go. I'm going. Please, I can go. I don't mind. It's better than listening to her stump speech for a millionth time. No. I will do it. I have to do it. I need to do it. Good-bye.

This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor-- lots of disappointment, but if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

I'm not fine. It didn't work.

But you're the opposition campaign manager. I--I couldn't do that to Leslie. Oh, for God's sake, Chris. This campaign is over. My job is done and so is yours. It's just sex. I'm very good at it.

Recently, in a moment of weakness, I had sex with Bobby Newport's campaign manager, Jennifer Barkley. Seriously? Yes, several times. And then, several more times. And then a couple more times. And then one more time.

How long has this been going on? Oh, It's just last night.

But our ferocious sexual decathlon did radically improve my mood

There were moments that I didn't fully understand some of the physical shapes that we were making. But the sensations were amazing.

Great win. Great night. Great year. Hot wife. Jackpot. Good job, me.

Way to be, Ron! You're really getting it done, man! He can't hear me.

You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer. Why not just give the kids water? I suppose you could do that.

My nomination was 'Jerry accidentally forwards his bank statement to everyone.' Classic. And depressing.

Not because of what you did, which was terrible, but because of what I'm going to be able to get you to do.

I exercise because, when I was a baby, I had a rare blood disorder, and I suppose I need to feel like my body's in tip-top shape... So it doesn't destroy me, leaving me to die alone.

Nobody. Nothing. Does it really even matter?

They found nothing. Nothing? Nothing. The silent killer.

I'm gonna die an anonymous, meaningless speck of dust.

I need to climb the Mount Everest of my mind.

You can't share too much or too often.

Thank you, Andy. I agree.

You're welcome, Chris.

I sound insane. I'm going to go talk to my therapist.

Is that a euphemism? / No. / Then great work.

It's just a piece of paper and he only made it for me after I specifically asked for it while crying loudly, but... It sure meant a lot to receive it.

He holds my life in his hand like a fragile little bird.

This was literally the most beautiful, and moving thing that I have ever heard. There, there, baby boy. Take all the time you need.

The toast that you gave to Ben and Leslie was so beautiful. And I'm feeling very raw from my therapy. I'm so happy and so sad. It's like a perfect storm of emotions.

Oh! There's no more tissue. Everything ends. No, no, no. No, there's more tissue. Everything goes away.

You are such a brave, good dog with so much spirit. You have overcome so much. You are the most wonderful dog in the whole world. And I am so happy for you.

Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music. Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth. This is weirdly working. It's evening me out.

Ann Perkins. You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor. That's all I ever wanted to be.

And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces. Incorrect.

Why are you using this wood? Is it more pliable? What are these metal latches? Are they copper or brass? Is one better? And if so, why?

Before I started, it was bigger.

No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. But you know what? I'm fine. You only live once

I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat. Yeah, Chris-- everybody knows that

Gayle-- you're Gayle? Jerry's beautiful wife... Who looks like that

If therapy has taught me anything, it's that I need to face my fears, even when my fears are engaged to a man with the chiseled jawline of a young me

I have thousands of seconds.

Recently, we engaged in something called a 'group hang.' It was like a date, but there were seven other people there. It was very confusing.

Labels can be bad, but they can also be good. 'Warning: Toxic bleach' is a good label.

Your gender equality commission is a real sausage fest.

No, it's Perkins. Always has been. You seem more like a Hanson.

I'm dying. I was dying earlier today. And then I died. Now I'm dead.

A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine. Therapy!

That is impossible. I do not ride the bus. I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak.

I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, followed by even more diarrhea, have succumbed to the avian flu. I'm dead.

Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor? I'm impotent.

Is this a ruby that's gone bad?

Is this a ruby that's gone bad?

It is the letter from the statehouse... Telling us that we have been assigned to Pawnee. Dated may 1st, 2010.

I've never willingly been here later than 5:04 p.m.

Ann Perkins! - Hey, Chris! Got to run to a meeting. With Ron. - Great idea! I'll run to my next meeting.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep, my ex-girlfriend. It seems like you and I have a classic mix 'em up.

Jaguar. Why do you ask? - Doin' a survey. Well, survey completed.

You are a great specimen. That's a terrible choice of words.

All these kids have fathers and mothers who have birthed them and are guiding them through life. Yep, that's how it works.

I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I'm going to do.

Well, I guess your uter-you and my uter-me are now our uter-us.

Actually, when I went there, it was just a two-year college. Wow, so you're not even technically qualified to work at your current job. Aw, geez.

Somebody wake up Milton. History is being made. Iwo Jima!

I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.

literally my two favorite people in the cataloged universe

"Ron, you've never been CTMTSed?"

"Hop on board The Management Train. First stop, Motivation Station. All aboard!"

"When people feel supported, they will literally explode with productivity."

"I don't want to seem overdramatic, but this is literally a battle for April's soul."

Today? Like, today, today? This today?

Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.

Oh, no, no. I go in alone with this pornographic disc and do it myself. And you stay out here and try not to think about what I'm doing in there.

I panicked. Run!

Let me remove my clothes so we may begin to engage in physical activity to multiply our genes.

Yeah, I could stop, and you could walk. Or you know what, we could meet in the middle. Great plan.

Do you want to make out? I really do.

I can be a sort of... Conversational lubricant.

Way to be, duck.

For friendship.

I'm the Nipple King.

Last one to pick up 100 rusty cans has still accomplished a great deal.

Life is precious and every day is a miracle.

Because it's lower in sodium?

Butch Count-sidy and the Sum-dance Kid, together again.

Auditing bros! Yeah, and auditing sistah. Let's do this.

Are you tipping me? Is that 100...Euros?

What a hilarious word. It reminds me of a ridiculous donkey.

You filled the public pools with bottled water? / Total body hydration.

Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing! You're all fired. Teamwork.

we were always just beat at the end of the day. I actually think it's something else.

A cherry tomato. Nope. A gumball.

I think that you ask a lot of the people that you work with, and I think that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of things. I like thinking. And racquetball.

It appears, whereas 'bitch boss' is clearly an indication of her frustration, 'boss bitch' is a term of endearment. Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball for your mouth!

I actually just went. I had to pull my pants all the way to the ground like a toddler.

Hey, you're supposed to be my lookout. / I thought it would be funnier to watch you get busted.

April, you seem depressed, and I would know. I spent most of last year being treated by Dr. Richard Nygard for my own emotional problems.

Bert Macklin is not a lifeguard. He's an FBI agent. / Really? That's even harder to believe.

I've failed you, both as a scary monster and a friend.

But the truth is, I'm very much in love with Ann. / Okay, gross. The spell's broken.

Are you going to crawl my way? By Lenny Kravitz.

I am confident that it is literally the safest crib in the explored universe.

Counter-counteroffer-- you come with me, or I make you attend a four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting.

I'd like to solve the puzzle of parenting.

Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching. Does that make sense? My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.

Rad Dads by Apolo Anton Ohno and Shaun White.

That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.

Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence? No. It's just a shitty fish.

How about if in the Jamm zone, there's no married chicks allowed? Caution, Jeremy. I think there are people that will find the 'No Married Chicks' zone both morally repugnant and hard to enforce.

Tiny little acorn penis? Forget it. A weird image. But one that does not diminish my enthusiasm.

I thought you didn't have a preference. I didn't. I just really wanted it to be a boy. Me too. I don't know why.

That literally went on forever. I thought you were never gonna stop talking

Ann Perkins, will you marry me?

I'm a bit of a germaphobe

This isn't a shotgun wedding, although, yes, she is pregnant, and, yes, we did just decide to get married today

I don't know! Me either! Maybe let's not? Yeah, I think maybe not

Except that I'm a whale and that my feet already kill. Whales don't have feet. I am a crazy shape.

I read something on raddadsolutions.net that there's a pressure point in the foot that could induce labor.

It's from Kernsten's-- the nipple people. It has nipple cream, nipple pads, and also a special nipple pimple ointment in case you develop any pimples on your nipples.

boob hats.

Carob cookies and berries are literally my favorite dessert alternative.

And just the fact that you feel bad about your bag of nothing proves that.

I call it my 'beat the sun' run. It's a race between me and the sun.

The only thing I am crazy about is a magnificent, pregnant manta ray named Ann Perkins.