Chris Traeger

Ann Perkins · Leslie Knope · Chris:Ann is visibly watching from outside the restaurant as Leslie's date goes well, and says 'Well done, Ann.' Chris hears: 'I actually heard that.'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris immediately says 'Boo! Indiana Hoosiers!' when Leslie cheers 'Go Badgers!'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris corrects Leslie that her job isn't amusement parks but 'regular parks. Like swings and slides and stuff.' Then says 'Strike two.'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris says: 'You know, isn't it funny how these setups are always just so awkward?' making the date immediately awkward.

Leslie Knope · Chris:Beat of silence/hesitation, then Leslie admits: 'Well, yeah, you kind of did.' (about Chris making it awkward)

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris announces: 'Hey, watch this. I will now extinguish this candle with my bare hand.' Then screams in pain: 'That really hurt!'

Chris · Leslie:'That really hurt!' / 'Are you okay?' / 'Oh God! It looked so much easier on the Internet. God, I gotta borrow some of your ice!'

Leslie Knope · Chris:Chris screams in pain, shoves his hand in Leslie's water glass to cool the burn. Leslie says: 'Oh no thanks. I'm not thirsty.'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris explains MRI work: 'In less than an hour, I know what it is. What's wrong with her?' / 'I don't know.'

Chris:Chris describes MRI capabilities: 'I can look inside this steak or this butter or the potatoes or this candle or this beer or this flower or this bread.'

Leslie Knope · Chris:Leslie: 'Well, if you look inside this bread, all you're gonna find is more bread.' Chris: 'I don't know. I'd have to do an MRI.'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris offers Leslie a free MRI scan on their first date. 'Well, I'm offering you a free scan. It usually costs up to $2,000. I'm kind of spoiling you here.'

Chris:Chris, while preparing Leslie for the MRI: 'Frankly, I don't want to invest in someone who only has three months to live.'

Leslie Knope · Chris:Leslie: 'I'm treating this as an adventure. Who knows, maybe someday we'll tell our grandkids about how weird our first date was.' Chris: 'And how creepy their grandfather was.'

Chris:Chris: 'Try not to smile too much. It'll affect the diagnosis.' Then: 'Sometimes smiling is read as AIDS.'

Chris:Chris, preparing Leslie for the MRI: 'Oh, you're not on your period, are you?' Then to her confused look: 'Well, not for this.'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris, scanning Leslie's brain: 'Did you ever break your arm? [...] It was, like, three years ago.' Chris: 'I can't believe I turned the machine off for that.'

Chris:Chris, reading Leslie's MRI: 'You've got a great oven... You got ample room in there. Honestly, if you wanted to, you could go triplets right off the bat, Leslie. You got a big, industrial-sized oven.'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris sees a shadow on Leslie's MRI, panics, then: 'Oh wait. It's like a smudge or something. We almost wheeled you out of here in a chair.'

Chris:Chris: 'Imagine if you had spent the rest of your life sipping a steak through a straw. That almost happened to you. You were a smudge away.'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Chris: 'Thank God I was here.' Leslie: 'Looks like we make a pretty good team.'

Chris · Leslie Knope:Leslie breaks up with Chris: 'I think this is gonna be our last date.' Chris: 'I get it. Get your MRI and get out, huh?' Then: 'This was your idea.' Chris: 'Clever lady.'

Chris:Chris's parting insult: 'I guess I'm not as good a tech as I thought I was. I should have noticed that you're missing a heart.'

Chris:Chris asks if they can pick up his son Nate at a basketball game on the way back.

Leslie · Chris:Leslie says 'maybe these people are very helpful and pleasant--' and is immediately cut off by Chris Traeger entering with maximum enthusiasm

Chris · Ron:Chris says Ron Swanson's full name reverently — 'Ron...Swanson' — and Ron visibly savors the moment

Chris:Chris says 'There is quite literally nothing I would rather have in the world than a tour of the parks and recreation department of the great city of Pawnee led by Ron Swanson.'

Chris:Chris's 'broken carousel' speech to the staff: 'Think of the government as a broken down carousel. We're gonna slap on a new coat of paint... and get those happy kids back up on the horses where they belong!'

Chris · Leslie:Chris offers Leslie a vitamin from a large collection: 'B12? Evening primrose oil? Willow bark? Magnesium?' Leslie declines, he insists it's good for hangovers, she relents.

Chris:Chris confessional: 'Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.'

Chris:Chris calls out after Ben: 'Oh, oh, oh, oh. Don't keep him too long. I need someone to be here when I take my multivitamin. There's a choking hazard.'

Chris · Ann:Chris appears and cheerfully greets Ann: 'Hey. Ann Perkins!' — with maximum enthusiasm for her full name

Ann · Chris:Ann can't remember her own phone number but gave a stranger her phone: 'You have my phone number?' / 'No, you couldn't remember your phone number. But you gave me your phone.'

Chris · Ann:Chris's talking-head about flu prevention: 'My body is finely-tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.' / 'My body's like a chip, too. A potato chip.'

Chris:'Speaking of potato chips, you and I are on for dinner tomorrow, yes?'

Chris · Ann:Chris's rapid deterioration — he's in the hospital hours after proudly proclaiming his body is like a microchip: 'Things happen very quickly. Listen to me. My brain is on fire. I'm dying.'

Chris:'The microchip has been compromised. Pierre Garcon was a sixth-round pick. Collie was the fourth round. Indianapolis Colts know how to draft so well.'

Chris:Chris on the hospital floor: 'Nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating. I love the flu.'

Ben · Chris:Ben and Chris discuss their new assignment; Chris is about to go for 'a light 15k' despite having just been hospitalized.

Andy · Chris:Andy's confessional: Ann kissed him, then April kissed him, he told April 'because honesty is important,' and now April has a Venezuelan boyfriend who is 'the handsomest dude I've ever seen. Present company excluded.' 'Oh, thank you.' 'Uh, I was talking about me.'

Andy · Chris:'Present company excluded.' / 'Oh, thank you.' / 'Uh, I was talking about me.'

Chris · Andy:Chris explains the sports sandals: 'The human foot is the ultimate technology.' Andy: 'Dude, that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk.'

Chris:Chris's confessional: 'Why do I want to help him? Because he's a good person. I love good people.' Then immediately: 'Hey, you know who should wear these shoes? Monkeys.'

Ben · Chris:Ben aside to Chris about the forum chaos: 'This time capsule's tearing this town apart.' Chris's response: 'You're leaving soon. Can I blame it on you in the press?' Ben: 'Sure.'

Chris:Chris's assessment of Pawnee: 'I've been to a lot of towns. Usually people don't care about anything. I mean, don't get me wrong. These people are weirdos, but they're weirdos who care.'

Chris · Ann:Chris tells Ann: 'And he told me that I would be crazy to let you away.' Then immediately: 'And also, there's a pretzel stand over there that literally serves the best pretzel I've ever had. Would you like one?'

April · Chris:April trolls Chris's post-it request: 'You want five million orange post-its.' Chris: 'That's hilarious.'

Chris · April:Chris gives April a post-it that says 'great job' and enthusiastically tells her 'Great job!'

Chris:Chris's assistant talking head: explains parents are getting old and he's an only child, then trails off — 'I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home. I'm sorry to see you go. I've really come to think of you as...'

Chris:Chris asks his departing assistant, 'Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada?' Long pause. 'No, I don't suppose I would.'

Chris:Chris orders a beer with extraordinary specificity: 'I would like a local beer. I'd like it in a bottle. I'd like the bottle to be cold.' Then orders wine: 'I would like it to be chardonnay. And I would like that with one ice cube.'

April · Ann · Chris:April calls Ann on behalf of Chris, pretending Chris canceled lunch, then April tells Ann that Chris 'doesn't like you' and 'he's not into you sexually.'

Chris · April:Chris enters: 'April here was very apologetic on the phone. She also sent me flowers. April. Nice touch.'

April · Chris:April delivers a fake urgent memo from 'Bert Macklin, FBI' to get herself transferred back to Parks.

Chris · April:Chris: 'Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call.' April's reaction to being let off the hook via a fictional FBI agent.

Chris:Chris's house foyer 'sends a message to the world about who you are' / 'And the front door provides energy flow and opportunity. You cannot limit that.'

Leslie · Chris:Leslie notices many men's coats in Chris's closet; Chris says 'I like coats.'

Leslie · Chris · Ron:Leslie's fake interrogation of Chris about female relatives: 'Do you have any sisters? / Any aunts? / Girl cousins? / A youthful grandmother, perhaps?'

Ron · Chris · Leslie:Ron sees portobello mushrooms on the grill: 'Where's the steak?' / Chris: 'There's no steak. That's a healthier option.' — Ron faints

Chris:Chris explains the pink razor: 'I shave my legs for swimming, and women's razors work better. Men's razor technology hasn't figured out how to properly contour the shinbone.'

Chris:Chris on the concealer in his medicine cabinet: 'I'm a human being. Sometimes I get blemishes. I'm not perfect.'

Chris · Ann:The reveal: Chris broke up with Ann last week, but Ann didn't realize it

Ann · Chris:Ann realizes she kissed Chris after the breakup, met his parents, etc. — and Chris confirms all of this with increasing awkwardness

Ben · Leslie · Tom · Ron · Ann · Chris:The entire office erupts in disbelief and joy at seeing Li'l Sebastian while Ben watches, confused.

Andy · Ron · Chris · Jerry · Ben:Andy asks Ron, Chris, Jerry, Derek, and Ben to all be his best men — having already asked Tom.

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris casually references 'your affair with Tom Haverford' while trying to argue about inter-government relationship rules

Chris · Ben:Chris forces Ben to say hello to Cindy on the phone, then narrates 'Ooh, sparks are flying! I may have to call the fire department. That's a government joke.'

Chris:Chris's talking-head about his matchmaking secret: 'I determine someone's best qualities, and then I find someone else with compatible qualities. And I bring them together.'

Marcia · Chris · Leslie:The bestiality debate: Marcia calls centaurs 'bestiality,' Chris tries to defend them as 'a beautiful half person, half horse,' and Marcia counters 'Who had sex with what and gave birth to which?'

Chris:Chris's tangent about his nude art history: 'I've dabbled in nude sculpture. I've posed nude. In college, I was in a nude production of Cats.'

Chris:Chris pivots immediately: 'But I am not in the nude now, am I? Because we're in a government building. And that would be inappropriate, which is what I think Marcia is saying.'

Chris:Chris describes being startled by seeing Leslie's painting while hanging upside down in gravity boots watching Perd Hapley

Chris:Chris's talking-head: 'Council, I am not opposed to pornography. In fact, you could say I'm definitely for it. If I had my laptop with me right now, I would show you a well-hidden folder with gigabytes of proof.'

Chris:Chris's phone call threat: 'My heart is racing. It's going literally 45 beats a minute.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris tries to set Ben up again immediately after learning the Cindy date failed, suggesting 'Shelly from the health-food store' whose 'brother died climbing Everest'

Lindsay · Chris:Lindsay after the garbage fight: 'I want her arrested for attempted murder. For God's sake, Knope. Get a grip.'

Chris:Chris accidentally reveals: 'Not if I see you first, Uncle Ron. And I probably will, 'cause Leslie assigned me to the kidnap squad.'

Ron · Leslie · Ben · Chris:Ron is called into a meeting by Ben and Chris expecting more birthday party horror — walks in to find a small private room with just a few close colleagues

Chris:Chris crashes Leslie and Ben's post-victory moment: 'I had to come up here and celebrate with you. There is literally nothing in this world that you cannot do.'

Chris:Chris insists on Leslie and Ben staying at his condo: 'Double nonsense. I would love to have you stay with me. Leslie, you can take the guest room, and, Ben, you have to sleep on my couch.'

Chris:Chris on his couch: 'It is literally the comfiest couch you've ever been on.'

Chris:Chris interrupts: 'Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, and my bladder is the size of a thimble. I urinate roughly 12 times a night.'

Chris:Chris offers to play Boggle at 11pm: 'Well, now I'm up. You wanna Boggle?'

Chris · Jerry:Jerry. Mmm? I believe you are capable of much more. I'm not. Nonsense. Look in the mirror. Huh? You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero.

Chris · Jerry:Imagine someone needs your attention. Somebody say my name. JERRY: Chris. Swivel! What is it, Jerry? You told me to say your name. And you did a great job, superstar.

Chris:I will keep my eye on you from my circular desk where I can see everything. Tiny swivel. See how it works?

Ron · Chris:What about my office and its many walls? That becomes a new public waiting room. And we got rid of that giant pillar that was in front of your door. I loved that pillar. It made it really annoying to stand in my doorway.

Chris:Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future. I made that expression up when I was 14. Still in use today. By me. Gotta jam.

Chris:Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future. I made that expression up when I was 14. Still in use today. By me. Gotta jam.

Ron · Chris:You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department. Now, wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.

Chris:Chris tells Ann that Leslie wanted him to 'kiss you deeply, which I'm going to have to pass on'

Chris:Chris's talking-head reveals that Ben and Leslie 'secretly meet' in his office '...forty times a day'

Chris · Doctor Harris:Doctor tells Chris the good news is it's 'just tendonitis' — Chris asks 'How is that good news?' — Doctor: 'The other option was shoulder cancer.'

Chris · Doctor Harris:Doctor: 'Little things like this happen with men of your age.' Chris: 'Men of my age? How old do you think I am?' Doctor: 'Forty-two.' Chris: 'I am 44, and I plan to live to be 150.'

Doctor Harris · Chris:Chris asks what the cure for tendonitis is; Doctor says: 'Get a time machine. Go back to being 20.'

Chris:Chris: 'Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met.'

Leslie · Chris:Chris appears behind Leslie and asks 'How long have you been sleeping with Ben?' — Leslie panics and says 'I've never had sex with anyone anywhere... You have the nerve, the audacity... Ben is my boss, technically. And he is terrible, facewise.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris reveals he found out about Ben and Leslie because 'Ben butt-dialed me last night.' Audio of their roleplay follows: 'Okay, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.' Chris: 'Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris continues describing the butt-dial audio: 'Hey, show me Pelosi again.' Ben: 'Okay, lay down.' Then Leslie asks: 'Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.' Chris: 'Unfortunately not.'

Chris · Ann:Chris calls Ann to ask if tendonitis is 'symptomatic of something larger' — after an elaborate buildup implying a serious question

Chris:Chris says: 'I do hope we can be friends before I die.' — intending it as a gracious olive branch but accidentally making it about his imminent mortality

Leslie · Ben · Chris:Ben tells Chris to 'take the rest of the day off... get a massage.' Leslie adds: 'I have a gift certificate, actually. My mom gave it to me for you.'

Chris · Ann:Chris and Ann bond over his tendonitis: Ann: 'You need to relax. You're in great shape. For a 44-year-old.' Chris: 'Yeah. That's how old you are, man.'

Chris · Ann:Chris: 'I don't like thinking about death. Death is the opposite of...' Ann: 'Being alive?' Chris: 'Exactly.'

Chris · Ann:Chris and Ann declare themselves friends: 'What the hell. Friends.' / 'Ann Perkins.' / 'Chris Traeger.' Chris then says: 'What's the point in doing 10,000 push-ups if you're gonna do them alone? I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman. Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris to Jerry: 'You should take the day off. You know, rest is very important. Did you know that lab rats who are deprived of rest grow tumors all over their bodies? You should Google it. It's horrifying.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris meets Jerry's daughter Millicent and immediately pivots to romantic interest: 'Wow. Jerry, great job. I'm your dad's boss. And his much younger friend.'

Chris:I retroactively accept your original offer. Let's go.

Chris · Millicent:Chris and Millicent: 'Millicent Gergich. Biking for charity is literally one of my interests on Facebook.' / 'I can't believe how alike we are.' / 'I know. It's, like, we're literally the same person.' / 'We are having a moment.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris informs Jerry that after their 'amazing' date, Millicent spent the night at his house. 'Have a great day, Jerry.' [Chris walks away]

Donna · Chris:Donna in police costume: 'You are a policewoman.' / 'Yep. You're a regular Sherlock Holmes. I solved that mystery before you did.'

Chris · Ben:Chris (Sherlock Holmes) asking about April: 'Where's my lovely daughter tonight?' — then explaining he was worried Ben might be worried seeing them together

Chris · Ben:Chris texting without looking at his phone to maintain eye contact: 'I think it's rude not to maintain eye contact with the people that I'm talking to.'

Ben · Chris:Ben's high-five reaction to Chris's texting feat — 'Wow! That's amazing!' followed by 'Wow.'

Chris · Ben:Chris's talking head: '...the culprit was Millicent Gergich.' / 'You should look into actual detective work.' / 'I will.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris to Jerry about his daughter: 'I've decided to take your daughter home. And we may be having intercourse.' / Jerry: 'Please, you've got to stop saying things like that to me.'

Chris:Chris: 'The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann. I am going to launch a full-scale investigation. And I sincerely thank you for that suggestion.'

Ann · Chris:Ann: 'Glad I could help in these trying times.' Chris: 'Sarcasm again! You're a delight.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris interrupts Jerry at his own desk to launch a romantic investigation, with Donna pulled in: 'Jerry! I am launching a full-scale investigation into my romantic relationship with your daughter Millicent Gergich, and I thought I could pick your brain.'

Chris · Donna:Donna pulls in on command: 'Here's what I saw go down. Donna! Yeah! Get in on this.'

Chris:Chris's talking head: 'See, I just don't believe in this whole don't let people know how you feel nonsense. I love telling people how I feel. Mostly because I love most people. And I love telling them that I love them.'

Ann · Chris:Ann's check: 'You didn't tell that girl you love her, did you?' Chris: 'No. I'm not crazy.'

Ann · Chris · Jerry:Ann: 'And the jacuzzi broke. But I did... eat food off of your body.' Chris: 'Oh, come on.' Jerry: 'All right, Chris and Ann!'

Ann · Chris:Ann: 'I mean, I hate jogging.' Chris: 'Jogging's amazing!' Ann: 'Jogging is the worst, Chris. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?' Chris: 'Well, I'm sorry that I added five years to your life.'

Chris:Chris: 'Now I'm being sarcastic. Like you. I'm doing something that you like.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris repeatedly shouts 'Dream Team!' despite Ben explaining the partnership is dysfunctional. Chris: 'Dream Team!' Ben: 'Yeah. But we're not.' Chris: 'Dream Team!'

Chris:Chris, after being told the Dream Team is dead: 'Wow. That was very hard to hear. So many negative words. I just need to process this.'

Chris:Chris dismisses the 'Dream Team' breakup: 'Okay, the Dream Team is dead. But you guys had a great run. Oh, and the park is open. Yay. Ha-ha! Good job with that.'

Tom · Chris:Tom's vintage logo pitch: Using the old 1970s logo as a limited edition on hats, posters, and T-shirts. Chris: 'It is possibly the best idea anyone has had in this government in 100 years.'

Chris:Bumble-flex — fabric made out of synthetic bees' wings

Leslie · Chris:Leslie tries to swap a nasal spray for the flash drive; Chris calls her bluff

Chris:'Leslie Knope! I am much faster than you! I have bumble-flex!'

Chris · Leslie:Chris lifts Leslie's suspension as her 'Christmas present'

Chris:Chris's talking-head confessional: 'As city manager, I play no favorites. But as a private citizen, I am free to support whomever I choose... Everybody's the best. We're all winners.'

Chris:Chris describes his heartbreak over Millicent: 'Millicent Gergich has literally torn my heart from my body, and replaced it with a thick slab of sadness.'

Chris · Tom:Chris concludes his dramatic heartbreak speech with 'I may never smile again.' Tom immediately pivots: 'Cool. So I found a DJ for the dance and his name is D.J. Bluntz.'

Chris:Chris volunteers to DJ the dance instead of D.J. Bluntz: 'I will. I certainly have no other plans for Valentine's Day because I am completely alone.'

Chris:Chris DJing the Valentine's Day dance, delivers a heartbroken announcement: 'Happy Valentine's Day, Pawnee. For me, it is not happy. But don't let my sadness diminish your night. Anyway, life is fleeting.'

Tom · Chris · Jerry:Tom tries to cheer up Chris about his breakup: 'There's some attractive women here. Why don't you rebound?' Chris: 'Nobody here compares to Millicent.' Beat. 'Except maybe Jerry.' Tom: 'Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA.' Chris stares at Jerry longingly.

Tom · Chris · Jerry:Tom tells Chris to stop staring at Jerry. The visual of Chris staring at Jerry with romantic intensity while Jerry is presumably oblivious.

Tom · Chris:Tom tries to cheer up Chris by noting Millicent couldn't keep up with him on runs, so now he can 'go full speed again.' Chris: 'On the contrary, she was faster than I was. I set many personal bests just trying to keep up with her.' Tom: 'Which is what I'm worried about.'

Tom · Chris:Tom tells Chris: 'You don't think that Millicent was your soul mate?' Tom: 'There are a lot of soul mates in the world. I mean, look at Ann. You dated her, and she's a perfect human specimen. And you tossed her out like day-old chowder.'

Tom · Chris:Tom adds: 'You could not keep it together in there.' / Chris's response: 'I know. I'm sorry. But I'm fine now. As long as we can get out of here as quickly as possible and never come back.'

Tom · Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris share a water bottle; Tom walks in and starts 'That's sweet. The two of you sharing a nice bottle of...' then realizes they told people about their date

Chris · Tom:Chris to Tom: 'Tom, am I to understand correctly that you are now romantically involved with Ann Perkins?' / Tom: 'Oh, are you about to give me the whole, "She's a great girl and you need to treat her right" speech? Since you guys used to date?' / Chris: 'No. But she is, and you should.'

Chris:Chris talking head: 'I just had no idea. And so, now, I have to...' [long pause] '...adjust.'

Chris:Chris auditions by singing 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' but progressively improvises extra lyrics: 'I just want to be at the game / I would like to eat at the game / I'd like popcorn and candy and the home team at the game'

Chris:As the Germans would say, 'er ist ein wunder hund.' He is a wonder dog.

Chris:The dog training course I took was conducted entirely in German, and so now I'm fluent in German... Words relating to dogs.

Chris:Ich bin ein three-legged dog.

Chris · Andy:Dogs tend to take on the personalities of their owners — so if you were to sit on your couch all day watching cartoons and eating nothing but Cheetos, that's what he would want to do too. / Who wouldn't? That sounds like an amazing day, right?

Donna · Leslie · Ben · Tom · Chris · April:Ginuwine's my cousin. / Ginuwine? / The Ginuwine is your cousin? / How do I not know this? / Who's Ginuwine? / Ginuwine?

Chris:I have an organic, gluten-free soy bone for you.

Chris:Dog whistle.

Chris:Jerry, I'll go. Jerry has a wife and three beautiful daughters — a full life — and that's amazing. April and Andy have Champion, and that's amazing. I have a stepbrother who lives in London and 2.8% body fat.

Chris:Chris: 'It happened when she was out of town for two days and she forgot we were dating.'

Chris · Ron:Chris insists Ron do 'heart-rate meditation, focusing on conscious breathing and opening the heart chakra' as a vetting step for the job

Chris:'Oh! Wear your yoga pants.' — Chris to Ron as an afterthought

Chris:Chris: 'This strip mall has surprisingly decent chi. Although the smells from the Greek restaurant next door are not ideal.'

Ron · Chris:Ron stands during meditation rather than sitting — 'I'll stand.' / Chris: 'Interesting technique.'

Chris · Ron:Chris: 'Ron, you radiated mindfulness. What were you thinking about?' / Ron: 'I wasn't thinking at all.' / Chris: 'Incredible. It takes a ton of work for me to get to that kind of clear head space.' / Ron: 'Don't try so hard.'

Ron · Chris:Ron comes clean about hating meditation; Chris reveals he didn't expect Ron to enjoy it — he just wanted to see if Ron could be flexible. Ron gets the job.

Chris · Jerry:Chris reveals that Councilman Pillner's review of the budget resulted in ALL D-1s being terminated — including Jerry

Chris:Chris excitedly announces Ron as his choice for Assistant City Manager to Councilman Howser, then immediately: 'I'm sorry. I should have let you guess. I'm just so excited.'

Chris:Chris, realizing he may have offered Ron a job he can't actually give: 'So I may have offered you a job that I have no authority to offer. I'm so, so sorry.'

Ron · Chris:Ron's response to losing the job opportunity: 'Well, that is disappointing. But don't worry about me. I'll be fine.' / Chris: 'Oh, I know. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We're all just molecules floating around in random patterns, devoid of meaning.'

Chris · Ron:'Peace.' / Ron: 'Stop.'

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'That's just one way it might be good. I'm sure there are others.' Chris: 'I'm sure there are.'

Chris:Chris arrives with a board game: 'Cranium. It's a board game. Have you heard of it? It is literally the most fun I have ever had.'

Chris:Your house just burned down, and you lost all your money in the stock market. It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing, and true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.

Chris:If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.

Chris:Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town. And speaking of methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions?

Chris:Ann and I make such a great team. It's silly that we're not a team in real life. I just heard those words come out of my mouth, and I have made a decision.

Chris · Ann:I've heard that you and Tom Haverford are no longer romantically involved. Is that true? / Yes, we broke up. And I honestly can't believe we ever dated. / Does defy logic.

Chris:Maybe not for long. If Newport wins, the city council may replace me. But it would open it up for us to be together.

Chris:It was worth a shot. Well, I hope that whoever you end up with treats you like the amazing person that you are. Thank you. And I am going to go run some stairs and work through these feelings.

Andy · Ben · Ann · April · Donna · Chris:'Also, from now on, we'll be using code names. You can address me as Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been there, done that. April is Currently doing that. Donna is It happened once in a dream. Chris, code name: If I had to pick a dude. Ben is Eagle Two.' / Ben: 'Oh, thank God.'

Chris:Chris's talking head: 'This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor — lots of disappointment, but if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.'

April · Chris:April lists everything she's done since being assigned tasks: 'I just got Champion his dog food, cleaned your house, filed that paperwork — you're officially April Ludgate Dwyer — installed a smoke detector, and now I'm back.'

April · Chris:April to Chris: 'Okay, first of all, dark places are awesome. Secondly, Ann is kind of lame, so way to dodge a bullet. And Millicent is Jerry's daughter, so two bullets.'

April · Chris:April: 'You're going to be just fine.' / Chris: 'Thank you. You're right. I'll be fine.' / [Beat] / Chris to camera: 'I'm not fine. It didn't work.'

Jen · Chris:Jen propositions Chris at the Newport house: 'You know, there are 30 bedrooms in this house. Bobby's in one, there's a dead guy in another, the rest are free. What do you say?'

Chris · Jen:Chris: 'Oh! That is very flattering. But you're the opposition campaign manager. I--I couldn't do that to Leslie.' / Jen: 'Oh, for God's sake, Chris. This campaign is over. My job is done and so is yours. It's just sex. I'm very good at it.' / Chris: '...Okay.' / Jen: 'Great! Let's do it. Haven't got all day, honey.'

Chris:Chris watching Ron's barbecue from afar, yelling 'Way to be, Ron! You're really getting it done, man!' then quietly: 'He can't hear me.'

Chris · Ron:Chris's talking head about the barbecue: 'My nomination was Jerry accidentally forwards his bank statement to everyone.' Ron: 'Classic. And depressing.'

Andy · Tom · Chris:Andy after his two-mile run: 'Running is impossible. What are you doing? Tom, now is not the time for criticism.'

Chris:Chris: 'I'm proud of you. Not because of what you did, which was terrible, but because of what I'm going to be able to get you to do.'

Chris:Chris's motivation speech is revealed to be about his fear of dying alone from his childhood blood disorder

Andy · Chris · Tom:Andy's motivation speech: 'I just want to get a good job for me and April. I love April. She's all I care about in the whole world.' Chris: 'Yes! Love and family! What else is there, really? Nothing at all.'

Chris:Chris's confessional about why he exercises: 'I exercise because, when I was a baby, I had a rare blood disorder... so it doesn't destroy me, leaving me to die alone.'

Chris:Chris: 'I'm gonna go run till I puke. Let's go.'

Chris:Chris's motivation for running: 'Nobody. Nothing. Does it really even matter?'

Chris:Chris collapses during training: 'There's something wrong with my body. My legs aren't working. I'm broken.'

Chris · Andy · Tom:Chris's medical test results: 'The news is terrible. They found... nothing. Nothing? Nothing. The silent killer.'

Andy · Chris:Andy: 'It's too bad there's not doctors for your mind.' — said completely sincerely, apparently unaware therapy exists

Chris:Chris's response to the therapy suggestion: 'Au contraire, mon frere. You are as in line as a person can be.'

Andy · Chris:After Andy misses his time: 'What was my time?' / 'I don't know. 43.' / 'Yes! New record.'

Chris:Chris: 'All my life I have tried to achieve external goals. Run a four-minute mile, climb Mount Everest... but before I can do that, I need to climb the Mount Everest of my mind.'

Chris · Colleagues:Fun fact about me. I recently began intensive psychotherapy. I may have mentioned that to you already. Several times.

Chris:Well, like my therapist says, 'You can't share too much or too often.'

Chris · Andy:Thank you, Andy. I agree. I love this idea. And I love me for thinking of it. My therapist said that I need to be more vocal about appreciating myself. Thank you, Chris. You're welcome, Chris. I sound insane. I'm going to go talk to my therapist.

Chris · Ron:Excellent work, everyone! Particularly you, Ron. You have one very satisfied citizen. What did you do for her? I fixed her pothole. Is that a euphemism? No. Then great work.

Chris · Ben · Ron:Excellent work, everyone! Particularly you, Ron. You have one very satisfied citizen. / What did you do for her? / I fixed her pothole. / Is that a euphemism? / No. / Then great work.

Chris:I'm still not sure why the citizen decided to come speak with me in person, but I'm just happy to see a government program finally work.

Chris:This was literally the most beautiful, and moving thing that I have ever heard. [beat] There, there, baby boy. Take all the time you need.

Chris:And I'm feeling very raw from my therapy. I'm so happy and so sad. It's like a perfect storm of emotions.

Chris:And, so, I'm hiding out here, so I don't ruin this party for my two amazing best friends who I love so much. Oh! There's no more tissue. Everything ends.

Chris:Champion! Come here. Hey, boy! You are such a brave, good dog with so much spirit. You have overcome so much. You are the most wonderful dog in the whole world. And I am so happy for you.

Chris:This is weirdly working. It's evening me out.

Chris:I can't believe that I spent the entire party in a room being happy-sad on a night that means so much to my two best friends.

Chris · Ann:Ann Perkins. You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor. That's all I ever wanted to be.

Tom · Chris · Ben:Tom greets Tom and Chris: 'Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Looks and Professor Books. He's Looks. I got it.'

Chris:Chris delivers escalating 'facts': 'Fun fact: Ben just got an amazing accounting job. Regular fact: I have to go to a meeting. Un-fun fact: My Uncle just had a stroke.'

Andy · Chris:Andy confronts Chris: 'Don't play stupid and handsome with me. You stole my computer so that I could practice for my police exam. You're as guilty as you are sexy.'

Andy · Chris:Chris reveals a second computer was actually stolen — it's a real crime. Andy: 'I can't tell if you're lying to me.' Chris: 'Really?' Andy: 'I think.' Andy: 'Like a real crime? That's even better.'

Chris · Andy:Chris offers Andy the weekend security guard job: 'But keep in mind, if you take this job, you must keep your clothes on at all times, even if you get sad.' Andy: 'No deal.' / 'Okay, I'll do it.'

Andy · Chris:Andy: 'And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces.' Chris: 'Incorrect.'

Andy · Chris:Andy: 'And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces.' Chris: 'Incorrect.'

Chris · Ben:This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had. / Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog.

Ben · Chris:Chris, one cup won't kill you. / No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. [beat] But you know what? I'm fine. [beat] You only live once.

Chris · Ben:Mmm! I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat. / Yeah, Chris — everybody knows that.

Jerry · Ben · Chris · Gayle:Ben, come meet Jerry's wife. / Gayle? / Happy holidays, Chris. It's so good to see you. / I'm Gayle Gergich.

Gayle · Chris:Oops, there's a little hair on your shoulder. Oh. Well, look who's a silver fox.

Chris · Gayle:Will you look at that? I'm sorry, you're okay? You don't feel like your body is in decay or death is inevitable? / My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose.

Millie · Chris:Oh, hey, Chris. [beat, and Chris's visible reaction to seeing Millie]

Gayle · Chris · Ben · Millie · Ben:Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Carl. / Hi, there. / Hi. How did you two meet? / Whitewater rafting. He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into... And then we got together. / Ah, so random, right?

Millie · Chris · Carl:Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Carl. / Hi, there. / Whitewater rafting. He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into... And then we got together.

Chris:If therapy has taught me anything, it's that I need to face my fears, even when my fears are engaged to a man with the chiseled jawline of a young me.

Tom · Chris · Ben:Tom offers to get the marriage license, saying 'I got a guy that works at City Hall' — then Chris corrects 'That guy's my wife' — then Tom adds 'Um, you also work there.'

April · Chris:April steals ALL the marriage licenses so 'no one else in this town can get married, because it makes it less special for us'

April · Chris · Ethel:April and Chris wake up City Clerk Ethel Beavers at 10pm — she says she's been asleep for four hours and was on a date, he's sleeping over

April · Chris · Ethel:April and Chris ask Ethel to be their 'adopted grandma' — 'Can we adopt you as our grandma? Fine. Cool! We love you, Grandma!'

Chris:Chris to Ben: 'Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.'

Andy · Chris · Captain:Andy at the police station imagining his detective career: the criminal 'chopped off both his arms so he wouldn't leave fingerprints' — 'Well, how did he murder the person?' — 'I don't know.'

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'Lagavulin all around? Don't bother answering. I am already pouring.' / Chris: 'You don't have to drink yours.' / Ron: 'Thank you.'

Ann · Chris:Ann Perkins! Got to run to a meeting. With Ron. Great idea! I'll run to my next meeting.

Chris · Shauna:I think I accidentally got the meat option. Yeah, and I got the veggie option. Shauna Malwae-Tweep, my ex-girlfriend.

Chris · Ann · Perd:Jaguar. Why do you ask? Doin' a survey. Well, survey completed. So take 'er easy. Uh, you didn't ask me. But if you had, the answer I would have given is... Doggie.

Ron · Ann · Chris · Perd:Chris, Ann wants to ask you something right now. Go, Ann. - In front of Perd? - Yes. No more delays. Go.

Chris:I have to say, this is the greatest search committee ever assembled to find a new Animal Control Department head. Chris Traeger can do more with one foot than most people can do with three.

Chris · April:I'm not going to lie to you. I needed that. / I know.

Chris · April:April Ludgate is beautiful... / Stop. / You are talented... / No.

Chris · April:But most importantly, you're passionate about animals. / That's true. It's because I'm half wolf.

Chris · Candidate (Vern's friend implied):Well, you have all the qualifications. You went to a four-year college. / Actually, when I went there, it was just a two-year college. / Wow, so you're not even technically qualified to work at your current job.

April · Chris · Candidate:You're fired. Get out. / No, no, you're not fired, but we're definitely going to have to lower your salary. / Oh, well, fair's fair.

Chris · Candidate:You see Dr. Richard Nygard? I'm a Nygardian too!

Chris · Candidate:Would you sign my cast? / Yes, but just please don't give me this job.

April · Chris · Orin:Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave. / Hey, give him a chance. / What makes you qualified for animal control? / I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind. / Get out. / I made you say that.

Chris · Leslie:Leslie, no one needs to be jammed today. / Okay, all we need is some kind of distraction. Grab that gavel and break your other foot.

Chris:I like the idea of double the signings, but I think the negatives outweigh the positives.

Chris:Chris: 'What about encouragement, appreciation, and smiles. When people feel supported, they will literally explode with productivity.'

Doctor · Chris:'You might be the healthiest human being we've ever seen. You have the resting heart rate of a 100-year-old tortoise.'

Chris:'Yes, I get that a lot.' (response to being compared to a 100-year-old tortoise)

Chris:'Would I be providing this sample... today?' (after it's been clearly established twice)

Chris · Leslie · Ann:Ann's job transfer to County Health Board so she and Chris can have a baby without a 'conflict of interest'; Leslie calls her 'fallopian princess'

Chris · Ann:Chris explains he goes in alone with 'this pornographic disc' while Ann 'tries not to think about what I'm doing in there' and he 'tries not to think about you waiting out here trying not to think about me'

Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris flee the clinic clutching the sample cup, with Ann saying 'I panicked. Run!'

Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris reading pamphlets as avoidance; Ann describes hypothetical clinical sex: 'Let me remove my clothes so we may begin to engage in physical activity to multiply our genes.'

Chris:If that happens to me, I'd be miserable. But happy. But sad.

Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris acknowledge they 'used to engage in some of those physical activities' and were 'pretty good at them'

Chris · Ann:'Do you want to make out?' / 'I really do.'

Ben · Chris:Think fast. / Oh, my God. / Hey, Dr. Buttons-- I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.

Ben · Chris · Leslie:Auditing bros! / Yeah, and auditing sistah. Let's do this.

Ben · Chris:Their debt-to-equity ratio is ridonkulous. / What a hilarious word. It reminds me of a ridiculous donkey.

Ben · Chris:Think fast. / Oh! / Why do people keep assuming I'm ready to catch things?

Ben · Chris:When we were state auditors, we had an amazing system. Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up and made them feel positive and happy. And I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons. / Like a majestic alley-oop.

Chris · Ben · Ben:You're all amazing! / You're all fired. / Teamwork.

Ben · Chris:400 Segway scooters. Sell 'em. They're gone. / You had six full-time baristas on the payroll. The baristas are gone. As are the masseurs. And the full-time barista who provided coffee for the masseurs.

Chris:It is excellent having the old band back together again. You know what? This calls for some celebratory lunges. One... two...

Chris:Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today. It's been like watching Leonardo work. Da Vinci or DiCaprio. You're that good.

Ben · Chris:I know who I'm gonna use to calculate tax and tip. / Me?

Ben · Chris:How's your salad? / Well, it's called the 'Good Earth Salad,' but really, it's just cheese, toffee, and gummy bear worms. / This town is really unhealthy.

Chris · Ben:Something healthy! A cherry tomato. / Nope. / A gumball. / Ooh!

Chris:Chris reveals he's reading 'Are You Going to Crawl My Way? By Lenny Kravitz'

Chris:Chris visits the baby store and references the book: 'I came in looking for the Vanna White book on child care — I'd like to solve the puzzle of parenting.'

Ron · Chris:Ron's rule: 'No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words.' He tracks Chris's running word count.

Ron · Chris:Ron cuts off Chris mid-sentence with '100.' when they reach the word limit.

Chris:Chris confessional: 'I really wish Ron would engage, but he exudes so much wisdom that I can learn parenting tips simply by being in his presence. Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching.'

Chris:Chris confessional addition: 'My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.'

Chris:Chris interprets Ron's crib-building advice as parenting metaphors: 'What I get from that is, when parenting, sometimes a subtle hand is more effective than a strong one.'

Chris:Chris references his parenting book: 'Rad Dads by Apolo Anton Ohno and Shaun White.'

Chris · Ron:Ron throws away a piece of wood. Chris: 'I just don't understand the throwing away the wood metaphor. What's the lesson? Oh, I know! It's potty-training. That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.'

Chris · Ron:Ron throws wood in the trash. / I just don't understand 'the throwing away the wood' metaphor. What's the lesson? Oh, I know! It's potty-training. That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'Chris, I'm not teaching you anything. We're just building a crib.' Chris: 'No, I know you're not consciously teaching me anything. I'm trying to siphon off some of your calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.'

Chris · Ron:Ron's final parenting advice ends with Chris saying 'Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence?' Ron: 'No. It's just a shitty fish.'

Chris · Ann:Ann and Chris: 'That is the most symmetrical fetus I've ever seen. This could be a superhero.'

Ann · Chris · Dr. Saperstein:Ann and Chris hate Dr. Saperstein for destroying Tom's business but love him anyway: 'We love you so much!' / 'I'm loveable!'

Ann · Chris:Ann can't decide whether to find out the baby's sex, cycling through yes/no rapidly, then asks: 'Is there an option other than yes or no?'

Chris:Chris reveals he perfected shaving the human face and wants to pass it on, then mentions 'tiny little acorn penis' as a pro of having a boy

Chris:Chris: 'Tiny little acorn penis? Forget it.' then self-corrects: 'A weird image. But one that does not diminish my enthusiasm.'

Ann · Chris:The sealed baby sex envelope is opened and the note is completely illegible: 'I... leg smurf.' / 'Are we having a smurf?' / 'We are having a... 11-jewel toilet.'

Dr. Saperstein · Chris · Ann:We are having a... 'distributions.' / That's what it looks like: Distributions. / Let me see that. / It says 'congratulations,' I think. / Then it says, 'I... leg smurf.' / Are we having a smurf?

Jean-Ralphio · Ann · Chris:Jean-Ralphio tries to hit on Ann: 'What do you say you and I get together in a special way?' Ann: 'I'm pregnant.' Jean-Ralphio: 'The more the merrier.'

Jean-Ralphio · Chris:Jean-Ralphio tries to hit on Chris too: 'Well, you can come too, beautiful.' Chris thanks him. Jean-Ralphio: 'Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men beautiful too. I guess I'm open-minded as hell.'

Ann · Chris:Cut from Ann describing Chris as 'wonderful and thoughtful and positive' directly to Ann in talking head: 'He's driving me up the fucking wall.'

Chris:Chris cheerfully calls out 'Smoothie's ready!' immediately after Ann's 'driving me up the wall' confession

Chris:Chris's nipple kit speech: 'nipple cream, nipple pads, and also a special nipple pimple ointment in case you develop any pimples on your nipples.'

Chris · Ann:Chris's 'that sucks' / 'that really sucks' call-and-response with Ann's complaints

Chris:It's not that great. Doesn't even look like you. Or actually, you know what? It kinda does.

Andy · Chris:Andy confuses Chris for 'Chip Traeger': 'Well, there he is. Chip Traeger, you old son of a gun.' / 'Andy, it's Chris.' / 'Is it? Huh.'

Chris · Donna:Chris's health watch: 'You are extremely healthy. I do that literally 50 times a day.' / 'Aren't you afraid that thing might give you cancer?' / 'Well, I am now.'