Article Two

Leslie:Instead of dumping tea in the harbor, they dump a random guy named Ted in the lake.

Leslie:The entire tradition is based on a typo

Andy:Hey, hey, it's okay Ted. Look, I'm gonna help you dry off. Here, use my phone.

Ted:Thanks Andy.

Andy:Oh no wait, here's a photo of you falling into the fountain last year. And here's one of you slipping on the ice. Oh! And here's a video of you getting hit in the face with a pie.

Ted:There are multiple Teds who all get dumped annually

Ted:There's actually an ordinance from 1952 that says you can purchase any vehicle in Pawnee for a quarter.

Leslie:That's not a real law.

Ted:It is. It's right here. 'Any Negro can sell their automobile to a white citizen for twenty-five cents.'

Leslie:Oh my God.

Ted:So technically, I could buy your car for a quarter.

Leslie:No, you cannot.

Ted:Actually, I've been looking into some of our municipal codes, and some of them are quite outdated. For instance, there's a law on the books from 1952 that states... well, it's actually pretty offensive. I probably shouldn't even read it aloud.

Leslie:Ted, come on. We're trying to modernize Pawnee. What is it?

Ted:Okay, fine. It says, 'No person of the Oriental persuasion shall operate a business on the east side of Main Street without written consent from the town council.'

Ron:Well, that explains a lot.

Ted:Well, actually, you said the same thing about how it's pronounced 'tea,' not 'Ted.' So maybe you should listen to what people are saying instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.

Leslie:That's... that's not the same thing at all.

Ted:Well, according to an 1887 ordinance, a man is legally permitted to slap a woman if she nags him about his work.

Leslie:Ted, that is not a real law.

Ted:I'm just saying, the statute is there. I'm not saying I agree with it.

Leslie:I'm going to file a complaint with the Parks Department about this incident.

Ron:He'll work hard specifically to accomplish nothing

Chris:Spoiler alert!

Chris:Ron's classmate from high school is... Alf!

Tom:What are you bidding on?

Ann:I don't know, some weird celebrity memorabilia. It says here it's a signed photo of Fabio with a handwritten note that says 'Stay strong.'

Tom:That's amazing. I'm bidding on a used elliptical machine that Ashton Kutcher allegedly sat on once.

Ann:How is that even a thing?

Tom:Welcome to high-end charity auctions, Ann.

Tom:My accountant has specific warnings about my spending.

Tom:Like, he'll call me up and say, 'Tom, you can't buy a solid gold toilet seat.' And I'm like, 'But what if I need to?' He's like, 'You don't.' I'm like, 'Okay, but what if society collapses and I need to barter with a gold toilet seat?' He's like, 'That won't happen.' I'm like, 'Your lack of imagination is not my financial problem.'

Ben:Leslie has created so many anniversary days. We have the day we met, the day we first kissed, the day we first said 'I love you,' the day we first held hands, the day we first made eye contact...

Leslie:It was a meaningful glance.

Ben:The day we first texted, the day we first emailed, the day we first Instagrammed together, the day we first Snapchatted...

Leslie:And today is Pirates Day.

Ben:Pittsburgh Pirates Day.

Leslie:Yes.

Ben:Not just pirates, but specifically the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball team.

Ben:She has an anniversary for buying him a calendar, celebrated with a calendar

Donna:I watch Game of Thrones. Those men are fine. Fine!

Ben:Leslie is always doing these thoughtful things, and it's exhausting because then I feel guilty for not reciprocating immediately.

Ben:I mean, who has time to be that considerate? It's like a full-time job.

Ben:Actually, you know what? That came out wrong. Leslie, I'm sorry. I love that you're thoughtful. I'm the worst.

Ben:I have no idea what you just said, but I love you.

Garth Gripling:Mr. Speaker, I rise today to speak about a matter of great importance to this body, nay, to this nation. And I have prepared some remarks that I believe will illuminate the path forward for all of us gathered here. Now, I've taken the liberty of writing what I call 'Twilight: New Moon: A Pawnee Remix,' where Bella Swan is actually the Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation, and Edward Cullen is a emotionally unavailable city planner, and—

Garth:Robot Chewbacca delivered with complete confidence

Garth:Just because you own something doesn't make you an expert on it. I own X-Men pajamas, but that doesn't make me an expert on the X-Men.

Leslie:Well, actually, I think it kind of does.

Garth:No, it really doesn't.

Leslie:Why are you wearing pajamas?

Garth:I won them in a raffle.

Leslie:Look, the founders weren't perfect. They owned slaves, they didn't let women vote, and some of them thought Native Americans were basically just obstacles.

Leslie:But you know what? They still created a system where we could fix those things. That's the real genius.

Chris:Good morning everyone! Today we're going to talk about leadership, and I want you to think of your department like a train. You're the conductor, and your employees are the passengers. Now, some people say you should be a servant leader, but I say you should be a *locomotive* leader! You need to build momentum, you need to keep on the tracks, and most importantly, you need to make sure everyone on board is moving at the same velocity toward our corporate synergy destination!

Ben:Wait, your eBay username is 'FitMom2024'?

Ann:I made that account in 2015.

Ben:So you've been 'FitMom2024' for nine years?

Ann:I thought I'd be fit by then. And a mom. I was very optimistic.

Ben:Being married to Leslie is like being hit over the head with a golf club made of love and kindness.

Ron:A locomotive is a large piece of machinery. It doesn't think or feel. It just moves forward with no regard for what's in its way. That's not a metaphor I appreciate.

Tom:Actually, in Game of Thrones, they don't cast spells. That's more of a Harry Potter thing. Game of Thrones has magic, but it's much more subtle and mysterious.

Ron:You don't steer a locomotive. You operate the throttle and engage the brake system.

Ron:There are three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and women.

Ron:Interestingly, a woman can be used to motivate a man, but money and fear don't work on women.

Ron:And a woman can be motivated by money, but not fear or another woman.

Ron:As for a third woman, it's complicated.

Chris:As a manager, I literally have to be a thousand different people every single day.

April:Chris killed my spirit. He murdered it. There's spirit blood all over this office and nobody cares.

Tom:This house is old. It smells like old. The floors are old, the walls are old, everything is old. You know what the solution is? We just need to make it new.

Tom:How? Simple. We tear it down and build a Applebee's.

Tom:I'm a referee because I have nothing better to do.

Andy:I'm a referee because I have way better things to do, and this is one of them.

Leslie:I have the advantage of not having a Victorian disease. I mean, sure, I have a lot of problems, but none of them are cholera or whatever.

Ben:Wait, you're telling me that even the mailwoman has a specific anniversary with Leslie?

Roz:Every first Tuesday of the month. She brings her a waffle.

Pawnshop owner:I'll give you fifty bucks for that kidney.

Ann:...Do you take payment plans?

Tom:This historical challenge is impossible. You know what? I'm just going to unplug it and plug it back in.

Tom:If that doesn't work, I'm going to throw it in the river.

Andy:Butter on popcorn, butter on toast, butter on waffles, butter on... grapes?

Andy:I love all foods with butter. Buttered popcorn, buttered toast, buttered butter...

Andy:Wait, I think butter is my favorite food.

Tom:Look at this! A hoop! You just roll it with a stick and it goes and goes and goes!

Tom:This is the best toy ever made. I'm gonna play with this all day.

Chris:Jerry, can you file these folders?

Jerry:Oh, absolutely! I love filing. And these folders—manila folders, the superior folder—with the metal fasteners. Not the cheap ones, the good ones. And the labels, oh the labels are so crisp and white. I'm gonna organize these so well, Chris. By color, by size, by date, alphabetically, reverse alphabetically. This is the best day of my life.

Leslie:Garth has no emails from the last six months. Nothing. Not even spam.

Tom:That's not possible. Everyone gets emails. Unless... he's a ghost.

Leslie:He's not a ghost, Tom.

Tom:A vampire then. Vampires don't use email. They use the dark web.

Leslie:Oh my God, Garth. I was trying to find evidence that you were cheating on me, but instead I found... nothing. No texts, no calls, no social media.

Leslie:You don't have a single friend who's texted you in months. Your mother is your most frequent contact.

Leslie:Garth, I came here ready for a fight, but now I'm just... I'm worried about you.

Leslie:He's so lonely he responds to spam

Ben:What am I supposed to do with this?

Leslie:I don't know, treat it like a cursed object that requires supernatural disposal.

Ben:That's not helpful.

Leslie:Well, you could try burying it at a crossroads at midnight, or maybe burn it in a sacred fire.

Ron:Jerry, you're useless. You'll never amount to anything. Now get back to work.

Jerry:Yes, Ron.

Chris:Wow, Ron, that's really harsh. But I have to admit... Jerry's been incredibly productive all morning.

Ron:Exactly. Fear is the most effective motivator.

Chris:You know what? I'm going to try that with my interns.

Leslie:What are you whittling?

Garth:A bloodletting lance. It's an ominous historical medical implement.

Andy:Wait, so we're starting a new Ted tradition?

Tom:Yeah, I'm Ted now.

Garth:No, I'm Ted.

Andy:I'm definitely Ted.

Tom:You can't all be Ted!

Garth:We're all Ted.

Leslie:Okay, everyone, let's celebrate Ted for all his hard work!

Andy:Yeah! Ted's the best! Woo!

Leslie:Andy, what are you doing?

Andy:Celebrating! Ted deserves it!

Andy:Everybody celebrate with me!

Leslie:Andy, put your clothes back on!

April:Ron and Chris are competing to see who's the better manager. Two men enter, one man leaves. But honestly, I'm just hoping they both lose and I get to be manager.

April:My detailed plan to manipulate the situation and commit petty theft.

Leslie:She already has a category for joint presents for these specific holidays

Ben:This is our last Breakfast/Waffle Day.

Leslie:What? Why? Are we dying?

Ben:Okay, so we've agreed on alternating Thanksgivings and splitting Christmas?

Leslie:Yes, but what about New Year's? I feel like New Year's should be its own thing.

Ann:Leslie, we literally just made this compromise five seconds ago.

Leslie:I know, but New Year's Eve is when all the best parties happen, and I have a tradition of wearing white pants and making a speech about the future, and I would really like Ben to be there for that.

Ben:We can work something out with New Year's.

Leslie:What about Valentine's Day?