Animal Control

Animal Control Worker 1:And here we have our holding area for various animals we've brought in.

Animal Control Worker 1:This is a raccoon, this is a possum, and this is a... well, we're not entirely sure what this one is.

Animal Control Worker 1:Been here for three weeks and nobody's been able to identify it.

Animal Control Worker 1:It's just a terrible dog pun on a napkin

Animal Control Worker 2:They tried to use a live bird as a cartoon whistle

Leslie Knope:You're pot-head losers running a miserable suck hole.

Animal Control Worker:Oh, thanks! We try our best.

Animal Control Worker:Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Ben Wyatt:Actually, there are several ways. You could use a knife, you could use a box cutter, you could use a—

Animal Control Worker:Okay, okay, I get it.

Leslie:Ow! What the—

Animal Control Worker:Ma'am, you need to stay still. The more you struggle, the worse it gets.

Leslie:How is this here? Why do we have a coyote trap in the middle of the office?

Animal Control Worker:We've had reports of coyotes in the area. We set these traps to keep the city safe.

Leslie:Well, congratulations. You've trapped a Department of Parks and Recreation Deputy Director instead.

Animal Control Worker 1:We should call animal control about this vermin problem.

Animal Control Worker 2:We ARE animal control.

Animal Control Worker 1:Whoa...

Leslie:One of my running feet!

Animal Control Worker 1:Dude, you know what we should do? We should totally go to that new taco place on Fifth Street.

Animal Control Worker 2:Whoa, man, that's exactly what I was just about to say. We should go to that new taco place on Fifth Street.

Animal Control Worker 1:No way, seriously?

Animal Control Worker 2:Yeah man, we're like totally on the same wavelength.

Ron:Water. I drink it neat.

Ron:I don't get sick. But when I do, I don't waste time with your over-the-counter remedies and your health fads. I just power through it.

Ron:Last week I had a fever of 103. I went to work, cut down a tree, and watched the film about the clownfish and his son without saying the title once. Referred to it only as 'that animated ocean journey.'

Tom:Okay, this one is called 'Eau de Desperation.'

Andy:Oh, that's definitely me.

Tom:No, wait. This is 'Regret and Broken Dreams.'

Andy:That's also me.

Tom:Okay, last one: 'I Made a Huge Mistake.'

Andy:Nailed it.

Ben · Andy:New car. [reaction beat — someone smells Andy after the 'Dwyer shower']

Leslie:Andy, you really need to shower.

Andy:But Leslie, I already did a Sniff-wash this morning.

Jeremy:I have a candidate for you. He's extremely qualified.

Jeremy:He's been fired from every job he's ever had.

Jeremy:He's currently under investigation by the FBI.

Jeremy:And he's only been to prison twice.

Jeremy:He has no teeth.

Leslie:Well, that's one less thing to floss.

Councilman:You see, government appointments work through a careful vetting process, committee reviews, and extensive background checks.

Councilman:It's not like dibs. You can't just call it on a position.

Jeremy:Proper process is so boring.

Leslie:Boring is my middle name.

Doctor:Ron, it says here under 'Do you have any allergies?' you wrote 'I am only allergic to incompetence and lack of ambition.'

Ron:That is correct.

Doctor:But I need to know if you're allergic to any foods or medications.

Ron:As I said, incompetence and lack of ambition. Also, possibly shellfish.

Ron:One.

Ron:One shelf. I don't get cute with words.

Ron:I exercise twice a day. In the morning, I practice my woodworking. In the afternoon, I go to the gun range.

Ron:I have no family history of mental illness. My father was very healthy, very strong. He once worked through a bout of what doctors called 'depression,' but he called it 'Mondays.' My mother had no problems whatsoever. She was a very stable person. Very calm. I consider yoga a mental illness.

Ron:I'm allergic to: lying, weak men, and artificial sweeteners.

Ron:And also peanuts.

Ron:Two-word summary that says everything and nothing

Tom:Charity is a great way to help your personal brand.

Dennis:Oh, I don't need charity. I'm very wealthy. I have a net worth of several million dollars.

Leslie:I'm going to smile and nod, and when Dennis least expects it, I'll strike with bureaucratic precision.

Leslie:[to camera] The key is to never let them see you sweat. Dennis thinks he's intimidating, but he's never faced someone who knows the entire Pawnee municipal code by heart.

Tom:Bill Gates? No, no, no. Mark Cuban.

Dennis:Mark Cuban? Oh, well that changes everything. I love Mark Cuban.

Ben:Ah, he's disgusting, but I want to take his money and give it to needy people, so I'm just gonna keep on smiling. Yay!

Leslie:So Harris, I see you're really excited about this position!

Harris:Oh, I am! I've always wanted to work here. This company means everything to me.

Leslie:That's great enthusiasm. Wait... didn't you work here before?

Harris:Well, yes, but that was different. I'm ready to start fresh!

Leslie:Harris, you were fired from here last month.

Harris:...I prefer to think of it as a temporary separation.

Harris:Brett? Brett Knope?

Brett:Harris! Oh man, it's been forever!

Harris:I know! What have you been up to?

Brett:Just living life, you know? Be excellent to each other.

Harris:Did you just quote Bill & Ted?

Brett:Party on, dudes.

Candidate:I went to a four-year college.

Chris:That's great! What school?

Candidate:Prison.

Chris:That's only four years if you're convicted of a felony.

Chris:I have to say, this is the greatest search committee ever assembled to find a new Animal Control Department head. Chris Traeger can do more with one foot than most people can do with three.

Candidate:I've been seeing a therapist.

Chris:That's awesome! I love that. Therapy is amazing. It's like you're part of an exclusive club where everyone's working on themselves. We're all just trying to be the best versions of ourselves together. It's beautiful, really.

Candidate:Wait, what kind of animals are we talking about here?

Leslie Knope:Just the usual park animals. Squirrels, birds, the occasional deer.

Candidate:Do you have any surgical tools on site?

Leslie Knope:Uh, no. Why would we have surgical tools?

Candidate:And your security system—does it have blind spots near the perimeter?

Leslie Knope:I think we're done here.

Orin:I'm a certified psychic. I can read minds, predict the future, commune with spirits.

Leslie:Orin, you're not a psychic.

Orin:I knew you were going to say that.

Doctor:Open wide and say 'ahh'.

Ron:This is poplar? You're using poplar? A government doctor using poplar wood. I could've made a better tongue depressor from a pine branch I found in the parking lot. This is an embarrassment.

Doctor:Well, he left before I could tell him the results. Probably for the best. I don't really like patients anyway.

Dennis:I read that vaccines cause autism.

Doctor:Well, that's been thoroughly debunked by science.

Dennis:Yeah, but I read it on the internet.

Doctor:That doesn't make it true.

Leslie:Our new initiative has been incredibly successful. We've seen a 47% increase in community engagement and participation rates are through the roof.

Leslie:Wait... those numbers are actually the pothole complaints. We've made things worse.

Dennis:I hunt foxes. It's a very old tradition. You ride horses, you wear red coats, you have dogs chase the fox until it's exhausted, then you kill it. It's elegant, really.

Dennis:Of course, sometimes the fox fights back. Scratches you up real good. And if you're not careful, it can bite your... well, let's just say I've had to see a doctor about fox bites in places I'd rather not discuss with a lady.

Andy:Oh, I'm not fast. I'm just really good at hiding.

Andy:Dennis, you've been a total jerk to everyone today.

Dennis:Me? I'm just living my life according to my principles.

Andy:What principles? You told Jerry his hair looks like a dead animal.

Dennis:Exactly. Honesty is a principle. I'm actually the moral one here.

Vern:I work at a place called 'Silly Willy's Wiggly Worm Wonderland.' It's a children's activity center.

Jeremy:I guess you could say this interrogation is really... *Vern*-ing out of control.

Jeremy:*smiles proudly at own joke*

Ron:That's not a pun, that's a double entendre. And a weak one at that. A pun is a play on words with multiple meanings. What you did was just say something mildly suggestive. It's like the difference between a well-crafted knife and a butter spreader. Both cut, but only one has any real utility.

Leslie:April, I got you these luxurious hand creams and moisturizers.

April:Why would you do that? I like my hands rough and calloused. They're a sign of hard work.

Leslie:But they're so dry and cracked.

April:That's the point. Soft hands are for people who don't do anything.

Leslie:I anticipated you'd reject all the conventional beauty products, so I made some alternatives.

Leslie:This is a mud mask made from actual mud. From a swamp. That I found.

Leslie:And this is a moisturizer made from rendered animal fat and tree bark.

April:Finally, something I can get behind.

Leslie:What's your name?

April:I'm not going to answer that.

Leslie:Okay, um, why not?

April:Because you already know my name. We work together. If you didn't know my name by now, that would be sad. For you.

Leslie:April, I need you to do the hearing. I'm like a baby Bjorn and you're the baby, and if you don't testify, I'm going to have a very uncomfortable rash.

April:Fine, I'll do the hearing.

Leslie:Really? Oh my god, thank you so much!

April:But I have one serious condition.

Leslie:Anything, name it.

April:You have to promise me that you'll never, ever get married.

Leslie:What? Why would you—

April:Because if you marry Ben, I will literally kill myself.

Ron:Balsa wood? You could at least use mahogany.

April:Drinking under the age of 21 is actually really cool and—

Leslie:—illegal and wrong and something that I, as a government official, cannot condone in any...

April:—way. Thank you.

Jeremy:It's like she's a ventriloquist and April is the dummy, except the dummy is better at talking.

Dennis:I'd like to make a donation to the Parks Department.

Leslie:Oh my God, that's amazing!

Dennis:Yes, here's a check for one million dollars.

Dennis:Just kidding. It's fake. You're all idiots. I'm never donating anything.

Doctor:Your cholesterol is very low.

Ron:What is cholesterol?

Doctor:It's a waxy substance found in your blood.

Ron:I have no idea what you're talking about.

Leslie:It's not you, April. It's me. I'm withdrawing my application.

April:Is there someone else?

Leslie:What? No.

April:Because I saw you talking to that girl from the other department.

Leslie:April, that's not—

April:We had something special, Leslie. You were going to change the world, and I was going to watch you do it and occasionally say something mean.

Jeremy:I'm voting for April's idea. And before you ask why, it's because I'm an opportunist and I saw which way the wind was blowing. Also, I just made up a term called 'retro-jammed' and I'm going to use it at least five more times today.

Tom:It's not a Rolex Mobile, it's a Lexus.

Tom:If a Rolex costs $10,000 and a Lexus costs $30,000, how many Rolexes would you have to steal to equal the price of one Lexus?

April:So what are these new powers exactly?

Leslie:Well, you can make anyone do whatever you want.

April:Oh my god, Leslie, make Ben apologize to me.

Leslie:Ben, apologize to April.

Ben:I'm sorry, April.

April:Now make him give me a thousand dollars.

Leslie:Ben, give April a thousand dollars.

Ben:Okay.

April:Now make him kiss me.

Leslie:Ben, kiss April.

Ben:I'm not doing that.

April:Wait, I thought you said I could make anyone do whatever I want?

Leslie:Well, I can't actually do that. I'm just a middle manager at Parks and Rec.

Andy · Dennis Feinstein · Ben:You're a dick. / Excuse me? / Andy-- / How dare you talk to me like that? Where are your manners? You come to me asking for money, and you treat me like this?

Leslie · Vern Palletta:Mr. Palletta, what is your occupation currently? / I run a children's break dancing studio called 'D.J. Jazzy Vern's.'

Leslie · Vern:Do you have any experience with animals? / Uh, a bat landed on my face once.

Councilman Jamm · Vern · Leslie:Hey, you know what, he's not a rack of ribs, so stop grilling him. / Nailed it. / Ribs are better smoked than grilled, so un-nailed it, with the back part of the hammer.

Vern:Jamm said if I got my teeth whitened, I'd just get the gig.

Councilman Jamm · Leslie:Not bad, right? I mean, if he can catch raccoons as well as he can teach six-year-olds to pop and lock, he's a home run. / That is an insane statement.

April · Leslie:I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker. / I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

Leslie · April:I nominated you for the position, and your confirmation hearing is in three minutes. Surprise. / No, I don't want the job. You can have your mud and blood back.

Leslie · April:Let's practice. What's your name? / Batman. See? I failed.

Leslie:I will be your Pocahontas. Climb into my papoose. Please do this. Please, please. Do it. Do it. Do it. You're gonna do it.

April · Leslie:Okay. / Yes! Yay! / But only if you divorce Ben. / Hey, don't even joke about that. / What? I really think he's wrong for you.

Councilman Jamm:Okay. Let's tear this chick a new one, shall we?

Councilman Jamm · April:Ms. Ludgate, we have found many emails showing how you sexually harassed Leslie Knope's assistant. / Andy? That's my husband. / They were still extremely graphic, and appreciated by all of us. I had never heard of several of those terms, and I'm a freak.

April · Leslie:Easily. Alcohol is delicious and fun... / [pause — Leslie speaks instead of April] / ...damentally a substance that should not be abused.

Councilman:Wow. Ms. Ludgate, are you a ventriloquist? I mean, that is amazing how you make your words come out of Ms. Knope's mouth. Would you like to put her on your knee?

Chris · Leslie:Leslie, no one needs to be jammed today. / Okay, all we need is some kind of distraction. Grab that gavel and break your other foot.

Chris:I like the idea of double the signings, but I think the negatives outweigh the positives.

April:I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt.

Dennis Feinstein:This check is made out to 'Go [bleep] yourself.' / In your face! Dennis Feinstein helps no man! Get the hell out of my office!

Andy · Ben · Tom · Dennis Feinstein:Why did you make me apologize to him? / Guys, just hold it-- hold on a sec. / Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick. / What? / Run! / Eddie, get my crossbow. / Crossbow? What the-- / You will pay for this!

Leslie · Ron:Hey, you look better. / I guess actual medicine can be effective. Who'da thunk? / Please leave me alone.

Doctor · Ron:Your cholesterol is 120, which is the lowest I've ever seen. / What's 'cholesterol'?

Doctor · Ron:And the only problem I see is that your potassium's low, so just eat a banana once in awhile. / No, thank you. I live the way I live, I eat the things I eat, and I'll die the way I'll die.

Doctor:That's oddly beautiful... but also stupid.

Leslie:You're not alone in the world anymore, Ron. You're dating a woman who has two kids, so every three days, think about Ivy and Zoe and Diane, and eat a damn banana.

Councilman · Milton:That is a genius idea. Somebody wake up Milton. History is being made. / Iwo Jima!

Leslie · Councilman Jamm:Look at that, April. You won over Jamm. / Uh, no, she didn't. I'm just sick of being on the losing side. I'm going to tell everyone this was my idea. Retro-jammed.

Councilman Jamm:Uh, no, she didn't. I'm just sick of being on the losing side. I'm going to tell everyone this was my idea. Retro-jammed.

Andy:What do we do now? Can I apologize again? I'm getting really [good] at apologizing.

Ben:Screw that. You should apologize for apologizing to that guy.

Tom · Ben:Feinstein's the worst. I hope he gets into an accident driving that Rolex Mobile. / For the last time, it's a Rolexus, and you can't drive it.

Tom:Rent-A-Swag is gonna donate five cents from every dollar we make this month. It's not Feinstein money, but it'll help.

Ron · April · Leslie:At Leslie's suggestion, I have made you deputy director of Animal Control within the Parks Department. You'll be amazing at it, and the best part, there is no confirmation hearing. / How did you make this plaque so quickly? / I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.

April · Leslie:How did you make this plaque so quickly? / I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.

April · Ron:Can I hire an intern? / Not yet. / Can I hire a Mexican elf? / No. / Can I buy a child bride? / No. / Then how is this even a promotion?

Leslie · Ron:Government shouldn't operate based on personal favors. It should operate based on good ideas. April had the best idea, and today the best idea won. / Leslie, I really have to go to the bathroom. / Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

Ron · Leslie:You don't have to come in with me. / I wasn't going to. / Could you pick up the pace a little bit? / Oh, yes, Miss Daisy.