Partridge

Process Server:Ron, you've won a lifetime supply of bacon and prime rib!

Ron:I'm coming out!

Process Server:Wait, really? That easily?

Ron:Of course. Do you know me at all?

Ron:I have to admit, I'm impressed. This is quality work. The forged signature, the official seal, the binding... whoever did this really knew what they were doing.

Ron:Actually, wait. I did this. I'm impressed with myself.

Ron:I went to the dentist last week. Reasonable costs, professional work. But then I got the bill for psychological damage from hearing the drill. $47,000.

Tom:Forty-six million dollars in psychological damage? That seems fair. I once spilled coffee on myself and I think that was worth at least three million.

Ron Swanson:Counter-sue his parents for creating a human turdburger.

Ron:I will be representing myself in court. I've studied the law extensively.

Ron:Legal proceedings are not unlike a livestock auction. You make your case, the judge decides, and someone goes home unhappy.

Tom:You know what? If I had a million dollars, my first instinct would be to evict my parents from their house and then buy it back.

Ron:I'm handling this lawsuit very maturely. I've accepted that sometimes life throws curveballs and you just have to roll with the punches.

Ron:THAT IS A GODDAMN LIE! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I WILL BURN THIS ENTIRE SYSTEM DOWN!

Leslie:Ben is such a better mayor than all the other mayors. He's more organized, more efficient, more decisive...

Leslie:And he has really nice arms.

Ben:Did you know that unemployment is at 8.3%?

Leslie:Oh my God, stop. You're getting me so hot right now.

Jamm:Oh, here comes Ron Swanson, the man himself. Or should I say... Ron Spam-son!

Tom:This lawsuit is absolutely ridiculous. It's like 'Legally Blonde' meets 'Ridiculously Expensive.'

Jeremy Jamm:I have a complaint about the city's healthcare policies and the unprofessional conduct of the nursing staff.

Leslie Knope:Jeremy, what are you talking about?

Jeremy Jamm:That nurse at the city clinic, she's clearly a lesbian.

Leslie Knope:What? How is that relevant to anything?

Jeremy Jamm:I'm just saying, she didn't appreciate my advances, which is discrimination against heterosexual men.

Jamm:That's a Jamm family saying.

Tom:That's just a common phrase that everyone says.

Jamm:No, my family invented it.

Jamm:My lawyer says I don't have no case.

April:Jean-Ralphio's lawyers got him a settlement from a haunted house because he was actually scared.

Ben:Wait, that's what haunted houses are supposed to do.

April:Yeah, but he sued them for emotional distress. He won fifty thousand dollars.

Leslie:That's insane. How is that possible?

April:His lawyer argued that the haunted house was too haunted.

Chris:I won the gardening contest!

Ann:That's amazing! Who did you compete against?

Chris:Well, technically just myself. I was the only entry.

Ann:Chris, that's not winning a contest, that's just having a garden.

Tom:Chris, we scored a 94% compatibility match. That's basically a soulmate indicator.

Chris:Tom, that's just a fun test. It doesn't mean anything.

Tom:Doesn't mean anything? Chris, we need to combine our genetics immediately. I'm talking a beautiful Treat-Perkins hybrid. We'd create the most efficient, most well-intentioned human ever born.

Chris:Tom, no.

Tom:Our child would run a 6-minute mile while solving world hunger. It's science.

Chris:You know, I think this is actually great news. We failed the compatibility test, which means we're compatible with failure. And failure is just success that hasn't happened yet. So really, we're succeeding at failing, which means we're winning.

Stephanie:So now that you're marrying Ben, I guess that makes us sisters!

Leslie:I know! I'm so excited!

Leslie:So tell me about Ben's sexual history. I want to know everything. Was he a late bloomer? Did he have any weird phases? Any unusual requests in the bedroom?

Ben's Sister:Okay, I'm not doing this.

Leslie:Come on, I'm trying to bond with you! This is what sisters do, right?

Andy:The judge asked me if I had any prior convictions, and I said, 'Your Honor, I can't even trust my own testimony.'

April:Ron's not violent. He's actually a vegetarian.

Ron:I am not a vegetarian. I love meat.

April:You love the idea of meat. But you're too much of a pacifist to actually kill an animal yourself.

April:Ron, you're so gentle and kind. I'm going to start calling you 'Snugglebottom.'

Ron:April, never do that again.

April:Too late. Snugglebottom's already out there.

April:Your Honor, I'm here to testify that... actually, I just need to say, that suit is absolutely immaculate. The tailoring, the fabric, the way it drapes. Where did you get it? Because I need to know immediately. And those shoes? Italian leather? They're perfect. I'm not even sure what case we're discussing anymore, but whoever hired this lawyer made an excellent decision based purely on their aesthetic choices.

Ron:I hate lying. I hate it so much that I'd rather take a roundhouse kick to the face from a hippie than sit through someone's lies. And skim milk is the same thing.

Ron:If you're not going to give me the fat, just give me water. Why would you even bother?

Leslie:That speech was beautiful, Ben. You made me cry. First because it was so touching and personal, then because I realized that everything we do is meaningless in the vast expanse of the universe, and we're all just tiny specks of dust hurtling through the void toward inevitable death.

Ben:Why is this happening to me? I eat right, I exercise, I don't even drink that much.

April:You have a kidney stone.

Ben:A kidney stone? How is that possible? I'm a man.

Ben:I think I'm in labor! Oh my god, oh my god!

Leslie:Ben, you're not in labor. You just ate a whole pizza.

Ben:No, no, I'm serious! I can feel it! And there's two of them!

Leslie:Two what?

Ben:Twins! I'm having twins!

Ben:Leslie, you're so beautiful. You're like a smart, beautiful, talented... binglebop.

Ben:Your eyes are like two sparkly... shrimps. And your hair smells like... nectarines and persimmons.

Ben:You make me feel all... flibberflabber.

Doctor:You need to stay in the hospital for at least another night, Ben.

Doctor:We need to monitor you closely.

Ben:I feel fine, really.

Doctor:I'm sorry, but those are the rules, Binder.

Ann:I can't believe I forgot the eggs at the grocery store. I basically abandoned babies.

Tom:I crushed that testimony. The judge was hanging on my every word.

Tom:I even referenced 'The Social Network' — or as I call it, TSN — to illustrate my point about digital entrepreneurship.

Ron:April, I don't appreciate you lying to me. You told me you were a vegetarian.

April:I am a vegetarian.

Ron:A vegetarian. I don't know what kind of sick game you're playing, but I will not be spoken to that way.

April:I don't understand why everyone cares so much about honesty. I'm honest all the time and nobody likes me.

Leslie:That's not honesty, that's just being mean.

April:Same thing.

Tom:Lying is all I know. I was born under the bridge, raised by wolves, won a game show, and married a beautiful woman I met in the slums.

Andy:I gotta tell you, I've been feeling great lately! Like, really great. My digestion has been on point, my bowels are moving like clockwork, and I'm not even gonna lie, some of my poops have been absolutely pristine. Perfect geometry, man. I'm talking museum-quality specimens here.

Ben:You know what? Jazz is just... it's beautiful, man. It's like... it's like everyone's playing their own song, but somehow it all comes together. That's society, you know? We're all just improvising, and somehow it works.

Leslie:Wait, you know the mascot protocol?

Ben:I may have eaten an entire pan of hash brownies, but I still remember that the mascot can never break character in front of children, and if the head falls off, you have to kick it out of the room like it's on fire.

Ron:I've never met Jeremy Jamm.

Ron:But I want to punch him based solely on his appearance.

Ron:You should have just hit him with a rock.

Leslie:No, no, no! It says 'Ice Clown'! It's supposed to say 'Ice Town'!

Ben:Leslie, it's fine. It's just a banner.

Leslie:It is NOT fine! Ice Town was your vision! Your legacy! And now everyone thinks you're the Ice Clown!

Mayor Stice:This key represents the frozen heart of our great city. Just like this ice, my leadership is cold, unforgiving, and will eventually melt away into nothing, leaving only a puddle of regret and broken promises.

Leslie:Ben's not here today because he has a very serious medical condition. It's called... being awesome. And the symptoms are... leadership, intelligence, and a complete inability to gain weight no matter how much cake he eats. The prognosis? He's going to be fine. Better than fine. He's going to be great.

Leslie:Ben is better than Judy Garland.

April:Ron's threats don't mean anything. He's all talk. Last week he threatened to 'dismantle the entire Parks Department from the inside,' and nothing happened. The week before that, he spent three days plotting to overthrow the government. It's basically his hobby at this point.

Ron:I have nothing but contempt for Jeremy Jamm. He is a pathetically weak man who would crumble under the slightest pressure. He's like a diver attempting a triple axel—he has no business being there, and when he inevitably fails, it will be tragic and embarrassing.

Ron:I have nothing to apologize for. I stand by every decision I've made.

Ron:And that's my final answer.

Jeremy Jamm:I'm going to coin a new term: 'self-jamm.' That's when you jam yourself.

Ann:What do you want your future child to be?

Chris:I want him to be an Olympic biathlete who competes in the winter games, but only in the years that are divisible by four, and only if there's a full moon that week.

Dr. Van Dyne:Well, based on what I'm seeing here, I'd say you two have virtually nothing in common. You don't like the same foods, you don't enjoy the same activities, you have completely different life goals. Frankly, I'm surprised you even know each other.

Ann:So... what are you saying?

Dr. Van Dyne:I'm saying that statistically speaking, this relationship has about a 0.003% chance of success. You'll probably break up within the week, she'll take the apartment, you'll spiral into depression, lose your job, and end up living in your car.

Chris:Should we be concerned?

Dr. Van Dyne:Very.

Ron:I don't measure my wealth in dollars. I measure it in pounds.

Ben:Come on, buddy. Just take a bite.

Leslie:Ben, it's a statue.

Ben:I know that.

Leslie:You're trying to feed it a sandwich.

Ben:He looks hungry.

Chris:I've developed a compatibility test. Just one simple question that cuts through all the complexity.

Ann:What is it?

Chris:Do you want to get a waffle?

Chris:Your stomach is really hard.

Ann:Thanks, I've been working out.

Chris:No, I mean... are you pregnant?

Ann:What? No! We just started trying.

Chris:Right, right. Sorry, I got ahead of myself.

Tom:Ow! Ow! My back! My neck! Oh God, I can't feel my legs!

Jerry:Tom, I barely touched you.

Tom:Barely touched me?! I'm going to need extensive physical therapy, possibly a wheelchair, definitely a settlement!

Ben:Actually, you know what? Never mind. My story is boring.

Leslie:I may have stolen this key from the city offices, but I knew you'd need it.

Ben:I'm sorry, I know that was your key, but it was a symbolic gesture.

Local:Symbolic? That's my house key!

Ben:I understand, and I apologize, but sometimes you have to do things that are bigger than one person's immediate needs.

Ben:Come on, let's just slip out the back.

Leslie:Good idea. Nobody needs to know we were here.

Local:Hey! Ben Wyatt! The Ice Town guy!

Ben:Oh no...

Local:Ice Town costs Ice Clown! Ha!

Ann Perkins:Ann and Chris at the fertility counselor: '58%, which as I'm saying it, sounds very clearly like we failed.'

Ann Perkins · Chris Traeger:The free-association co-parenting exercise: 'Occupation?' / 'Teacher.' / 'Six-time Tour de France champion.'

Dr. Van Dyne:Doctor asks: 'Okay, I'm sorry, are you guys complete strangers? Is this one of those Craigslist father situations?'

Ron Swanson:Ron reveals he stores his wealth in gold and palladium: 'I'm actually not sure how much money I have. But I do know how many pounds of money I have.'

Tom Haverford:Tom says he's 'definitely tweeting that to Drake to use in his next rhymes.'

April Ludgate:April: 'UGH, do we have to do something nice now?'

April Ludgate:APRIL: 'UGH, do we have to do something nice now?'

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:Leslie to Mayor Stice: 'Can't you just give Ben a key to the city, here, now, in your office, where no one will know your shame? Sorry, babe.' / Ben: 'No worries. I love you.'

Ben Wyatt:Ben tries to feed the mayor's bronze eagle statue, thinking it's real.

Ann Perkins · Chris Traeger:Ann's confessional: 'I bought 12 babies and then I immediately abandoned them at a Kroger's.' [Beat] Chris: 'Look, we can use anything as a baby. I mean, we could use this mug.'

Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:Chris's 'new quiz' for Ann: a single question — 'Will you love our child and work hard to see that he or she has a good life?'

Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:Chris shows Ann a new quiz with just one question: 'Will you love our child and work hard to see that he or she has a good life?'

Ann Perkins · Chris Traeger:Chris proposes to Ann while holding a coffee mug as a stand-in baby: 'You know there's nothing in there yet, right?' / 'Yes, sorry.'

Jeremy Jamm:Jamm is mid-story about 'Johnny Cougar Mellencamp' and 'yabbos' when Tom and April interrupt.

Tom Haverford · Jeremy Jamm:Tom dramatically fakes injury when Jamm snatches a document: 'OW! My wrist! You twisted my arm like a maniac!' / 'My face! Is my face still there? What happened to my knees?'

Leslie Knope · Tom Haverford:'Hurry, Tom, let's get you into surgery!' — Leslie dramatically rushes Tom out as the scam concludes.

Tom Haverford:Tom on the phone: 'Yeah, it's me. We got Jammed.'

Ben Wyatt · Stephanie:Ben's childhood fishing story: 'One time, our boat almost tipped over, but then it didn't.' / 'That's not a great story.' / 'Yeah, I had a pretty uneventful childhood.'

Leslie Knope:Leslie stole the key to the city from Mayor Stice's office: 'I stole it from Mayor Stice's office. Screw that guy. You should have it.'

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope · Fisherman:Ben doesn't want the key: 'I mean, I love Partridge, but I have Pawnee now. And I have you.' They throw the key into the lake, and a fisherman immediately yells: 'Hey, lake's not a garbage can, pal!' / 'Yeah, sorry, it was symbolic.' / 'Is that Ben Wyatt? Get the hell out of here, Ice Town!' / 'RUN!'

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope · Partridge local:Ben throws the key into the lake; a Partridge local yells 'Hey, lake's not a garbage can, pal.' / Ben: 'Yeah, sorry, it was symbolic.' / Local: 'Is that Ben Wyatt? Get the hell out of here, Ice Town!'