Bailout

Tom:Which they never will. My fashion sense is timeless. I'm a trendsetter. People see what I'm wearing and they think, 'I need to dress like that guy.'

Mona-Lisa:Oh wow, look at all these guys. Let me just... *checks out each customer* Okay, that one's a solid 7, this one's a 4, oh that guy's definitely a 9...

Jean-Ralphio:We're the same mister!

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, Tom, I just want to say thank you so much for hiring my sister Mona-Lisa. That's real generous of you, man. I appreciate it.

Jean-Ralphio:But real talk, she is the worst. Like, she's dumb as a rock, she smells like a truck stop bathroom, and she once tried to microwave a whole chicken still in the package.

Jean-Ralphio:But seriously, thank you. You're a good dude.

Tom Haverford:You can't leave early. We have a strict policy.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Oh, so you're not gonna let me go? Fine. I'm gonna burn this place down.

Tom Haverford:Mona-Lisa, you can't threaten arson.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I'm not threatening it. I'm promising it.

Jean-Ralphio:She's gonna get her way, she's gonna get her way, she always gets her way. Oh, why do I even try? I know that she's gonna get her way.

Dennis:Well, if you want something more upbeat than Paths of Glory, how about a 9-hour Holocaust documentary?

Perd Hapley:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is a beloved classic, but let's be honest — completely unrealistic. A alien shows up in a California suburb, befriends a ten-year-old boy, and nobody calls the government? Please. I'm giving E.T. one star.

Andy:Where am I? What year is it? Did I just see a movie or did I have a stroke?

Leslie Knope:Would you be interested in renting a movie from us?

Customer:No thanks, I'm actually illegally streaming everything at home.

Leslie Knope:Oh... well, I'm a government official, so...

Customer:Right, I probably shouldn't have said that.

Leslie:I want to rent Finding Nemo.

Dennis:How about instead you rent 'Finding Nemo's Remains: A Deep Sea Tragedy'? It's a depressing documentary about fish extinction.

Leslie:That sounds horrible.

Dennis:The tagline is 'He wasn't lost. He was dead the whole time.' We call it 'Finding Nemesis.'

Leslie:I just want some normal Red Vines. You know, classic American candy.

Dennis:Sorry, we're all out. But I've got some great options. How about these Norwegian licorice whips? Or these Japanese pork-flavored gummies?

Leslie:Pork-flavored? Dennis, these are insane.

Dennis:There's also this Lithuanian beet candy and some Thai fish-paste lozengers.

Leslie:How is this what we have?

Chris:Families are really important to people.

Ann:Yeah.

Ann:Have you made your decision?

Chris:I'm 60% sure I want to do it, but I'm also 70% sure I don't want to do it.

Ben:You should practice on Tom.

Chris:What do you mean?

Ben:He's basically a baby anyway.

Ben:Is Mona-Lisa stealing from us?

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah, she's a kleptomaniac, a nymphomaniac, and a pyromaniac.

Ben:That's... that's three different things.

Jean-Ralphio:I know. She's got a lot going on.

Ben:We could use Tom as a practice baby.

Leslie:Ben, that is the most brilliant, innovative, forward-thinking idea anyone has ever had in the entire history of human civilization. You should be awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics. We should name a city after you. Future generations will study your genius in schools. You've basically solved all of humanity's problems with that one sentence.

Jean-Ralphio:Wait, you guys are making fake babies? Dude, I'm in. I thought you said fake drugs.

April:If you tell anyone about this, I will actually kill you.

Ann:About what? That you've been volunteering at the animal shelter on weekends?

April:Yes. Now you're dead.

April:I need you to write me a recommendation letter.

Ann:Of course! For what?

April:My job application to be a professional horse whisperer.

Ann:April, you work in the Parks Department.

April:I know. Just tell them about my experience as a veterinary surgeon.

April:You know the vet through hookups, right?

Ann:No! What? No.

Ann:...Okay, yes.

April:Wait, so you're saying we have to be friends?

Ann:Well, yes. That's what coworkers do.

April:Ugh. This is worse than slavery.

April:So you're saying you've slept with the vet?

Ann:What? No! I don't just sleep with every person I meet.

April:But you've slept with this vet.

Ann:Yes.

Ron:I have something to say. *slams hand on table* We need to cut the budget by 40%. We will lose 200 jobs. The Parks Department will be gutted. *slams hand again* This is a disaster.

Leslie:See? Ron, you're doing it!

Ron:Doing what?

Leslie:Slam poetry! You made it sound powerful!

Ron:I wasn't doing slam poetry. I was just talking about something important. If I said the same thing like this — *speaks monotone* 'we need to cut the budget by 40%, we will lose 200 jobs' — it's the same information. The slam poetry doesn't change the content. It's just... noise.

Ron:Dennis, you are a blight upon this earth. Your incompetence knows no bounds. You waddle through life like a penguin with a drinking problem, leaving destruction in your wake.

Ron:Your voice is like a thousand dying cats. Your face, a monument to poor life choices. And your haircut—dear God, your haircut is a cry for help that no one will answer.

Ron:You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy. Useless. Unwanted. A constant reminder of society's failures.

Tom:Mona-Lisa scares me because she physically assaulted a police horse.

Ben:Tom, you need to stand up for yourself more. You're a capable guy.

Ben:You've got... you've got a really solid midsection. I mean that.

Tom:Thanks, Ben.

Tom:Look, I know Mona-Lisa's been spreading rumors about me, but I'm not comfortable confronting her. She's... intimidating.

Tom:If anything happens to me, I just want you to know: please delete my browser history.

Ron:You want the government to bail out these failing businesses? That's like asking a hunter to shoot a deer in the face because it's having trouble finding food. It's not mercy, it's weakness. And then you'd have venison all over city hall.

Leslie:I'm going to need you to stop making hunting metaphors about women.

Leslie:I've never actually seen Rashomon, but I love that it exists.

Tom:Mona-Lisa, I'm not going to let you treat me like this anymore. I deserve respect.

Mona-Lisa:Oh wow. That's actually really hot. I'm getting wet right now.

April:I want a guy who's really into cooking, but also a vegetarian, but also loves steak. Someone who's really smart, but also really dumb. A guy who's really tall, but also really short. Someone who's really rich, but also completely broke. A guy who's really handsome, but also really ugly. Someone who's really confident, but also has severe anxiety. A guy who's really outgoing, but also a total introvert.

Ann:I'm like fracking for friendship. I keep drilling and drilling until I hit something.

Ron Swanson:I don't understand why the government insists on handing out food stamps and welfare to people who won't work. It's a disgrace.

Leslie Knope:Ron, food stamps and welfare ARE government help.

Ron Swanson:Yes, well... that's different.

Tom:It immediately turned into sex and a relationship

Mona-Lisa:Tom, I need to borrow some money.

Tom:Mona-Lisa, that's none of your beeswax.

Mona-Lisa:Actually, I'm thinking about getting into the bee waxing business.

Tom:Wait, so it IS your beeswax?

Mona-Lisa:Yo, Tom, I need to borrow some money.

Tom:Why should I lend you money?

Mona-Lisa:Because it's none of your beeswax.

Ann:Just pick something, April.

April:I can't think. Your hair is distracting me. It looks like a llama died on your head.

April:Oh, I'll just go. Ann and I are best friends now. Temporarily.

April:We could braid each other's hair and talk about boys we like.

April:Or we could paint our nails and stay up until like, 9 PM talking about our feelings.

April:Or we could just sit in a circle and judge other girls. That's what friends do, right?

Ron:Government has no business telling people what they can and cannot watch in the privacy of their own homes. But apparently, it has every business turning a beloved video rental establishment into a den of pornography.

Leslie:Wait, what? The video store is a front for a porn operation?

Ron:Apparently.

Leslie:And the city has been unknowingly complicit in this? Oh my God, we need to shut this down immediately. This is a disaster. A pornographic disaster.

Brandi Maxxxx:Thank you so much for supporting my work, Leslie. It really means a lot.

Leslie Knope:Of course! I'm always here for you.

Brandi Maxxxx:In fact, I was so inspired by your support that I made a porn about this exact situation.

April:That didn't mean anything. We're not friends. Don't tell anyone about this.

Ben:Tom is like flour. He starts out as nothing, and then with the right environment and some heat, he becomes bread.

Tom:That's actually really nice, man.

Ben:But then he becomes a bran muffin, which is the peak of flour achievement.

Andy:You know, being a parent is all about being present and listening to your kids. Really hearing what they have to say, you know? It's about creating a safe space where they feel valued and—wait, am I allowed to keep talking? Because I have so much more. Did you know that consistency is key? And also snacks. Kids need snacks. But like, healthy snacks. Or just snacks. Any snacks really. And you gotta be patient, super patient, because kids are basically tiny drunk people who can't operate doors, and—oh man, I'm on a roll here—you should definitely read to them, but not like boring books, fun books with pictures, or maybe audiobooks while you're driving, which is actually genius when you think about it, and oh! Make sure they know you love them every single day, multiple times a day, maybe tattoo it on your forehead so they see it when they wake up, and also establish boundaries, but like, fun boundaries, and—I'm sorry, what was the question?

Ron:I can eat twelve people.

Ron:I don't need utensils. I have no use for them.

Ron:Food is already in its simplest form. Eating it with instruments is over-complicating things.

April:I got you something. It's practical and useful, which is why I'm giving it to you instead of keeping it for myself. I don't do gifts well, but you're my best friend, so I'm making an exception. Don't make this weird by getting emotional about it.

Chris:I'm happy to help you and Ben with this. It's a beautiful thing you're doing.

Ann:Thank you so much, Chris. We really appreciate it.

Chris:You know what they say - this is really going to be a womb with a view.

Ann:Oh my god.

Chris:I mean, we're going to have such a strong cervix- I mean, service. Partnership. We're really going to... uterus well together.

Leslie:What is this? This isn't The Sound of Music!

Ron:It appears to be a pornographic parody.

Leslie:Oh my God, look at these character names. 'Porn Leslie'? 'Porn Ron'? This is ridiculous!

Wilson Gromling:The Pawnee chapter of the 'Liberty or Die' party has hit some hard times. We were wondering if maybe the town could loan us some money.

Ben Wyatt · Tom Haverford:Tom, how did it go with Mona-Lisa? / I told her she needed to change her attitude, or I was gonna have to fire her. / Well, that is very responsible and mature. She took it well? / Um... yeah. / For some reason, she got super turned on. We started making out. Hard. Next thing you know, we're back at my place, having sex. We're together now.

Tom:Tom's talking-head about Mona-Lisa: 'Um...yeah. For some reason, she got super turned on. We started making out. Hard. Next thing you know, we're back at my place, having sex. We're together now.'

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Hey, bitch, I need to borrow some money to do something that is none of your damn beeswax, namely, I need to wax my bee.

Tom Haverford · Jean-Ralphio Saperstein:Here you go. / I'd still hit it. / I'm coolin' on you.

Ann Perkins · April Ludgate:What about you? Build your perfect guy. Um... Yao Ming's torso, Napoleon's brain, and The Hunchback of Notre Dame's hunchback. [Ann reacts to April's hunchback answer]

April:Back to forced friendship. Hey, let's go put on our pj's and make White Russians. So fun.

Leslie Knope · Dennis Lerpiss:Oh, my God, this is amazing, Dennis. / Hey. / You did it! / We did it! I did it. / Yes, it was.

Dennis Lerpiss · Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:I took your advice. Got rid of all those dusty, old foreign films and used the money for the part of our business that's always done pretty well for us. / Give the people what they want, right? / This isn't what people want. / It's definitely what that guy wants. / I like this store now.

Leslie Knope:Do you realize what you have done? The Pawnee government now effectively owns a porn shop. You have made us porn peddlers!

Brandi Maxxxx · Leslie Knope:Hello everyone, I'm Brandi Maxxxx. Let's give a big round of applause to Councilwoman Knope for keeping this store in business! / No. Everyone stop applauding.

Brandi Maxxxx · Leslie Knope:Leslie, you've always been a huge supporter of my work. / No, no, I haven't. / So I'm thrilled to tell you that I'm playing Leslie Knope in the porn version of the story of this government bailout! / Please don't do that. / Oh, we already filmed it. / Oh!

Brandi Maxxxx:The porn industry in town was really faltering. But now we're back. You're our hero!

April Ludgate · Ann Perkins:No. To sing. / [Ann wants Chris talk but April leads them into 'Time After Time'] / Tell me about Chris. / [singing continues]

Ann Perkins:Tell me about Chris, or I'm leaving, and I don't care about the letter.

April Ludgate:This never happened.

Ben Wyatt:I made everything worse. / If Tom were a bag of flour, that flour would never grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted loaf of bread. Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor that flour can achieve.

Jerry Gergich · Chris Traeger · Ben Wyatt:You know, Chris, every parent makes mistakes. I mean, lord knows I've made plenty. But it's the small victories that keep you going... And another thing is if-- If, like-- If I-- You know, and then your kid's-- because you're like--vrrrr-- I don't know. / And everyone's like, 'Oh.' / Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I--no one ever lets me talk this long. I just got lost.

Chris Traeger · Ron Swanson:It was a beautiful point. And very well said, right up until that moment that you started babbling incoherently. / And I'll have the number eight. / That's a party platter. It serves 12 people. / I know what I'm about, son.

Ron Swanson:The free market is a jungle. It's beautiful and brutal and should be left alone. When a business fails, it dies, and a new, better one takes its place. Just let business be business and government be government. / [Ron gets the enormous party platter] / These will not be necessary. [gestures away the extra forks/plates]

Ben · Ron:I would suggest sticking around and watching him eat it 'cause it only takes four minutes, and it's pretty amazing. / These will not be necessary.

Ron · Leslie:I like capitalism. I love competition. I'm more competitive than you. / I don't think so. / I think so. / Settle down. / No, settle up. 'Cause the bill's been paid, and I've paid it, and I've won.

Ann Perkins · April Ludgate:Here is your letter of recommendation, so you're off the hook. No need to pretend to be my friend anymore. / Thank God.

Ann Perkins:I can't tell if you actually hate me or if this is just how you are, but I had fun hanging out with you. So I don't care what you say, you're my friend. And I hope you get into veterinary school because I like you, so there.

Ann Perkins · April Ludgate:We're gonna hug now. / No. / Yeah. / Ow! You're hurting me!

Mona-Lisa Saperstein · Tom Haverford:Mm! Lot of hot 'D' in here tonight. Ooh, look at that chunky hunky. Go over there and talk to him and find out what his deal is. / No, I'm not gonna talk to some other guy. When we're together, you can't check out other guys. That's the deal.

Tom Haverford · Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Or else it's over between us, you understand? / Mm! Tommy laying down the law. A little feisty. I like that, okay? I'ma go get a soda. Do you want to have sex somewhere after I do that? / Sure.

Tom Haverford · Ben Wyatt:I think I'm gradually transforming her from truly terrible to only kinda terrible. It's the small victories, you know? / Indeed. / The small victories.

Tom:I know she's kind of a monster, but whatever. I'm young. She's sexy. I'm just gonna see where this roller coaster goes.

Ben Wyatt · Tom Haverford:Is there anything else you need help with? / Have you learned how to ride a bike yet? / Yeah. I'm 28 years old. / I'm proud of you, bud.

Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:Ann Perkins. / Is that a happy 'Ann Perkins,' or is that a bad-news 'Ann Perkins'? / Oh, happy. Obviously. The bad-news one sounds like this. 'Ann Perkins.'

Chris Traeger:Well, I guess your uter-you and my uter-me are now our uter-us.

Ann Perkins:Don't make me change my mind.

Leslie Knope:Although we are all sad and deeply grossed out that the Pawnee Videodome is turning into a porno palace, I am happy to announce that the Pawnee government will be hosting a weekly movie night here at the Community Center. Tonight's film is... The Sound of Music.

Leslie · Ron · Brandi Maxxxx:The first community movie screening turns out to be the porn film Brandi Maxxxx made about Leslie — 'The Sound of Music' is announced but the porn plays. Leslie: 'I'm glad you're here, Dong Swanson. The local video store's about to go under. We have to save it.' Ron: 'I'm a strict libertarian, and I don't believe in bailouts.' Leslie: 'This is not how it happened.'

Leslie Knope · Brandi Maxxxx:And... action. / I'm glad you're here, Dong Swanson. The local video store's about to go under. We have to save it. / Oh, this is the wrong movie. We ne-- shut this down, please. / Sorry, Leslie. / I'm a strict libertarian, and I don't believe in bailouts. / This is not how it happened.