St. Patricks Day

Michael:You know what they say about nature's Viagra? It's called the outdoors. Fresh air, sunshine, a little hiking... I'm telling you, I went to Sandals Jamaica last year, best two weeks of my life. The activity level alone—

Michael:I've got this whole bit about my favorite joke areas. Like, there's the obvious ones—you know, chest, abs. But then there's the underrated zones. Like the small of the back? Comedy gold. Or the inner thigh region? People don't realize how funny that is.

Michael:That's what she said. No, I'm serious. That's literally what she said to me.

Michael:St. Patrick's Day is like Christmas for Irish people.

Dwight:That's absurd. Christmas is Christmas for Irish people.

Jim:What is all this?

Dwight:This is the Schrute Farms Defense Perimeter. I've installed motion sensors, trip wires, and a series of bear traps around my desk.

Dwight:I call it the 'Beet Fortress 3000.' It's impenetrable.

Dwight:Jim and Pam are back from maternity leave. I have prepared a naming system for their children based on a strict hierarchical structure.

Dwight:The firstborn will be known as Tweedledum. The second will be Tweedledee. And if there is a third, Tweedledum Ass.

Dwight:I got hooked on mega-desk. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'd wake up at 3 AM just staring at the wall, imagining different configurations. My productivity went up 47%, but my sanity went down 100%.

Jo:I miss Scranton.

Jo:You know what I miss most? Peeing in the snow like my dogs do.

Jo:Have I been naughty?

Michael:No, no, no. Coal is actually very useful in Scranton. We have a lot of old factories, and they still use coal for heat. Plus, it's a great way to stay warm in the winter. And if you ever need to make a barbecue, coal is perfect for that too.

The random combination of alligators and bad Chinese food

Andy:Thanks! Actually, this is my sister's field hockey skirt.

Andy:I guess a kilt and a field hockey skirt aren't that different, huh?

Andy:Our first date has to be perfect, Erin. I'm talking about the kind of date that people write about in romance novels.

Erin:Like what? What kind of date?

Andy:I don't know. I've been watching a lot of The Bachelor, and I think if I just do what they do on that show, it'll work perfectly.

Erin:Oh my God, yes! That's so romantic!

Andy:Exactly. So I'm going to take you to a nice restaurant, we'll have some wine, maybe I'll give you a rose at the end of the night.

Erin:A rose? Andy, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Dwight:False. Dwight Schrute is an island. I am a volcanic island, in fact. I have a lava pit of molten rage inside me, and if you push me, I will erupt and destroy everything around me.

Dwight:I was raised in a barn. My father believed that children should learn self-sufficiency from an early age.

Jim:That's a common mistake.

Dwight:I was a confused child, but I turned out fine. Mose, not so much.

Andy:You're sick?

Erin:No, I have indigestion.

Andy:It's in your nose.

Erin:Yeah.

Erin:Whenever I'm sick, it just goes away within hours.

Erin:Except for that one time I was hospitalized for three years.

Kevin:A toilet that also makes soup.

Jo:Oscar, this is my new assistant. She's a lesbian.

Jo:You're smart. For warehouse.

Jo:That's a compliment where I come from.

Darryl:This is our new shipping diagram.

Jo:Did your son make this?

Darryl:No, I made it.

Jo:Well, it's very good. Have him keep drawing.

Jo:You know what? I'm gonna put this on my refrigerator.

Darryl:Really?

Jo:No. But I would if I was your mother.

Michael:I'd love to visit your house sometime.

Jo:That's not going to happen.

Michael:Yeah, well, I already bought tickets.

Michael:Yeah, I bought tickets to the concert.

Michael:Actually, I bought tickets to like five concerts. I wasn't sure which date would work out.

Michael:Jo, I was thinking we could grab lunch together, really get to know each other better—

Jo:No.

Jim:Mm.

Dwight:I have developed a knocking system for communication.

Jim:How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Jim:Because that's what this feels like.

Dwight:I'm going to play some music at low volume.

Jim:Okay, that's fine.

Dwight:FALSE! *starts singing loudly and off-key*

Jim:Dwight! I'm on a call!

Dwight:*continues singing even louder*

Jim:You know, I've spent years mocking Dwight's parenting choices, his whole 'beet farm heir' thing. But then he brings the baby to the office and... I don't know, man. It's like he's weaponized cuteness. And it works. I hate that it works.

Jim:I actually found myself going, 'Oh, look at little Phillip!' Like some kind of sucker. Dwight's figured out the ultimate power move. He's basically holding the office hostage with infant charm.

Andy:It's not a big deal. People postpone dates all the time. It's actually very mature and responsible of me.

Andy:Right? That's a good thing, right?

Michael:Darryl, congratulations on the promotion. You know what this reminds me of? Rocky. You went from the streets to fighting Apollo Creed. Except in this case, Apollo Creed is a regional manager position and you're... you're still in the streets, basically.

Michael:Wait, how did Darryl get promoted? He didn't go to business school.

Michael:Oh, I see what's happening here. This is about reparations, isn't it? Corporate is finally doing the right thing.

Michael:Well, I'm happy for Darryl, but let's be honest - he got this job because of his race, not because of his qualifications.

Darryl:Hey man, I appreciate you stopping by, but I got a lot of work to do. I need to check on some things here.

Michael:Oh, yeah, of course. I'll get out of your hair.

Darryl:Thanks, buddy.

Michael:Well, I'm gonna head out. It's been a long day.

Jo:Oh, toodle on home. Don't let us keep you. We'll just be here, working late, solving all the company's problems.

Michael:Jo, you're killing me here. You want me to do everything - manage the branch, handle corporate, be your personal assistant. I can't be everywhere at once.

Michael:You know what your problem is? You need to get a life. A real life. With people in it. Not just work.

Michael:Hey Todd, it's Michael Scott.

Todd Packer:Hey buddy! What's up? You calling to tell me you finally banged your secretary?

Todd Packer:Listen up, buddy. You think you're stuck? That's nothing. I was stuck in an elevator once with a woman and her prize-winning poodle. You know what I did? I closed my eyes and thought of England. Well, actually I thought of my boat. And my boat's mistress. And then I realized the real prize-winner was already in that elevator with me, and it wasn't the poodle.

Todd Packer:Here's what you do: you march back into that conference room, you look your boss dead in the eye, and you tell him that Todd Packer believes in him. That'll get him going. Works every time. Works especially well if your boss is a woman. Even better if she's married.

Todd Packer:The point is, Michael, you're not stuck. You're exactly where you need to be. Probably the same place where I need to be in about twenty minutes with someone's secretary.

Erin:Oh my God, hi! I'm sorry, I'm still in my pajamas.

Andy:That's okay, I'm still in my car.

Jo:I became powerful through hard work and determination.

Jo:Also, I married rich.

Michael:I could come over to your house sometime. We could hang out, watch the game, grill some burgers.

Jim:Um, that's... that's okay, Michael.

Michael:No, I'm serious. I could bring my own buns.

Jim:Yeah, I don't think that's going to work out.

Jim:So I had this meeting with Jo last night, and it was really late. Like, unusually late. I mean, we're talking 6 PM. Maybe even 6:15.

Friend:Why is your shirt tucked in?

Michael:I tucked it in the bathroom.

Friend:In the bathroom?

Michael:Yes, I was washing my hands and it got wet, so I tucked it in to dry it off. Is that weird?

Andy:Hey Reed, great to see you! Your hands are freezing!

Reed:Yeah, well, your personality is cold.

Reed:Erin's stupid and annoying.

Andy:What? Reed, that's not cool.

Erin:It's okay! I don't mind. I know I'm not the smartest, but I try really hard. And if smelling my feet would make Reed feel better, I'm happy to help!

Reed:That's a terrible outfit.

Andy:It's not terrible, it's business casual.

Oscar:I'm not leaving because I want to go home. I'm leaving because everyone else wants me to stay, and I'm nothing if not a contrarian.

Gabe:When I'm dead, I won't need to date anymore. But I'll still have my Amsterdam trips to look forward to.

Michael:Gabe's never going to get married. I mean, look at him. But if he ever does, I hope his wife leaves him. I hope she takes the kids and moves to Portland.

Michael:Jo, I just want you to know that my employees are some of the most talented people I've ever worked with. They're always going arod, putting in extra effort, thinking arod the clock about how to make this company better.

Jo:Did you just say 'arod'?

Michael:Yes.

Jo:It's 'around.'

Michael:I know how to say around, Jo.

Michael:You know, there's something about the evening that just makes you think. It's like Bobby McFerrin once said...

Michael:Wait, no. Bobby McFerrin's Irish, right? He's a poet.

Michael:Actually, no. No, that's not right at all.