Secretary's Day

Oscar:Oscar realizes she's been sitting on her Girl Scout cookies: 'Wait, I'm sitting on them. This is awesome.'

Kevin:Kevin's voicemail imitating Cookie Monster: 'What's the difference between a chimichanga, a chalupa and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.'

Kevin:Kevin protests the impression: 'Wait, this isn't funny. I don't talk like that.'

Coworker · Kevin:'Say, "Me eat cookie." / No. I won't say it.'

Michael:Michael sees the crowd: 'Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.'

Michael:Michael on Sesame Street: 'Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?'

Michael:Michael watches the Kevin/Cookie Monster video: 'This is Kevin. This is Kevin.' Then: 'Thank you. That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.'

Angela · Michael:Angela objects: 'This is inappropriate.' / Michael: 'This is my favorite day.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'It is Erin's and my three-week anniversary, so perfect storm for a romantic gesture.'

Andy:Andy's confessional: 'I sent an email blast, a text blast, a good old-fashioned talk blast... I sent a snail-mail blast a week ago, and a stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.'

Pam:Pam's confessional on maternity leave: 'It rocked. It rocked my ass off.'

Pam · Dwight:Pam discovers her dead plant: 'Oh. You couldn't have watered it? / I literally did not know that existed until this moment.' / Dwight: 'Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.'

Michael · Andy:Michael describes Erin: 'She's kind of a rube.' / Andy: 'That's my girlfriend you're talking about.'

Erin:Erin to Michael: 'I got a picture of you asking me to lunch.'

Erin · Michael:Erin critiques Michael's lunch suggestion: 'Well, Hayworth's is more business-casual, and they always screw up your order...' / Michael: 'Oh. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that was a stupid suggestion.'

Michael · Erin:The pair ultimately goes to Hayworth's anyway: 'Okay, let's go to Hayworth's.' / Erin: 'Okay!'

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin refuses a cookie from the tray: 'Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.' / Darryl: 'I brought those in. It's my birthday.'

Kevin:Kevin to Darryl after learning it's his birthday cookies: 'That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.'

Kevin:Kevin's confessional continues: 'Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...' [trails off into unrelated grievance mid-self-reflection]

Kevin:Kevin watches more of the video: 'This is violent and offensive.' [pause] 'Thank you.' / 'And it really makes me self-conscious about my voice.' / 'That's awful.' / 'I'm not crying.'

Gabe:Gabe's confessional: 'And some of them still think that I'm the IT guy.'

Gabe:Gabe's confessional: 'This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure.'

Gabe:Gabe's speech: 'It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or email this around.' / 'Not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me.'

Erin · Michael:Michael asks to listen to book on tape in the car; Erin: 'This is a novelization of the movie Precious, Based on the Book Push by Sapphire.'

Michael · Erin:Michael's conversation attempt: 'What decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?' / Erin: 'I don't know.' / Michael: 'I would have chosen the 1490s. 'Cause America was discovered. Right.'

Erin:Erin: 'My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. At my foster home I never had a desk.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going.'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'Erin is just weird. How many pillows do you sleep on at night?'

Erin:Erin's answer to the pillow question: 'Yeah, like a favorite month. Like, I liked April when I was seven.'

Michael · Erin:Erin: 'Why wouldn't he tell me that?' / Michael: 'Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else.' / Erin: 'They had sex?' / Michael: 'They were engaged, so...'

Erin · Waiter:Erin: 'I asked for pickles on my burger, and there are only, like, five or six. Can I get some more pickles?' / Waiter: 'Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles.'

Background Character:Man at nearby restaurant table calls out: 'I'll have what she's having.'

Michael · Erin:Michael returns from lunch and peppers Erin with anxious questions: 'Did you have a... Did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food?' / Erin: 'It was good. I liked my lunch.'

Dwight:Dwight on Pam's breast milk: 'Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.'

Meredith · Pam:Meredith is caught using Pam's breast pump: 'I just like the way it feels.' / Pam: 'Give it back to me, now!' / Meredith: 'I was just warming it up.' / Pam: 'That's... It's disgusting!' / Meredith: 'We're both girls. Who cares?'

Andy:Andy asks about lunch: 'Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?'

Erin:Erin snaps at Oscar during confrontation with Andy: 'God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy.'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin does the Cookie Monster impression in his confessional: 'My name is Kevin. I'm an accountant.' / Jim: 'It's a little derivative.' / Kevin: 'But parody is always derivative.'

Jim:Jim does Andy impression: 'Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck, because a Mrs. Fields Cookies just opened up at the mall!'

Kevin:Kevin does Gabe impression: 'Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies.'

Gabe:Gabe interrupts the impressions: 'Okay. Hey, can I have your attention, please?' [then pivots to introduce the party and thank Angela]

Unknown Speaker · Gabe:Gabe's attempt is called out as trying too hard: 'Why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at MADtv?' — another character passive-aggressively dismissing Gabe's attempt.

Gabe · Michael:Gabe praises Angela: 'A very special shout-out to the chair of the party planning committee, Miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself.' / Michael immediately: 'Yeah, you know what? I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so...'

Andy:Andy's speech about Erin: 'That 115-pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon... to a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax confirmations, but to me, she is my girlfriend, in addition to being the person who brings me my fax confirmations.'

Andy · Erin:Andy announces 'Secretary of Love' and begins playing banjo — then Erin immediately interrupts to confront him about Angela mid-performance.

Erin:Erin's public questioning of Andy: 'Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?'

Office · Kevin:The office responds to Erin's question 'Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know?' with: 'Yeah. Pretty much.' / 'Pretty much. Yeah.'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.'

Kevin:Kevin does Michael impression: 'Hey, Erin, you look delicious! I mean, beautiful.'

Michael · Pam · Jim · Dwight:Michael 'suspends' Pam, then Jim, then Dwight for slow-clapping: 'Wait, what? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.' / Michael: 'I don't want to hear it. Suspended.'

Kevin:Kevin, after the suspension scene: '"C" is for suspension.'

Pam:Pam defends herself to Michael: 'Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with... who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like... That's... That's like Mr. & Mrs. Smith crap.'

Andy:Andy's confessional spiral: 'Who cares? I mean, it's not like I killed somebody. Big deal, right? This is gonna blow over in two seconds. She never asked me, so if you think about it, it's kind of... I probably should have told her, I guess. Everybody does stupid things.'

Andy:Andy: 'Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.' [beat] — delivered with complete conviction as his defense for not being secretive

Andy:Andy's escalating self-talk: 'She never asked me, so if you think about it, it's kind of... I probably should have told her, I guess. Everybody does stupid things.'

Erin:Erin to Andy: 'You want to talk to me, come to my desk.' — delivered from across the room with maximum frost

Angela · Erin:Angela to Erin at the fax machine: 'You embarrassed me earlier.' / Erin: 'Take it up with the chief of police.'

Angela · Erin:Angela about Andy: 'It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it.' / Erin: 'You are throwing up for the wrong reasons.'

Erin:Erin: 'You are throwing up for the wrong reasons.'

Pam · Erin:Pam approaches Erin: 'You know, I was engaged before Jim.' / Erin: 'Really?' / Pam: 'Yeah. And he worked here, too.' / Erin: 'It was Andy, wasn't it?'

Pam:Pam's advice to Erin: 'Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.'

Michael:Michael discovers the limits of his authority: 'So I can reprimand them, but I can't suspend them? Oh, I can't do either? Uh-huh. Fair enough.'

Toby · Michael:Toby tries to give Michael detailed information: 'I also learned some interesting things about how they structure their...' / Michael: 'Thanks, Toby.'

Michael:Michael's speech: 'It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And, yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension.'

Jim · Michael:Jim refuses to apologize: 'I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension.' / Michael: 'Oh, come on. I hope the suspension does that.' / Jim: 'Yeah. Prideful idiots.' [exits]

Gabe · Michael:Gabe's apology: 'Gabriel, I apologize. Great. I kneel before you... Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.' / Michael: 'Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.'

Michael:Michael, watching Gabe's elaborate apology: 'Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.'

Erin · Andy:Andy's confessional about trust, then Erin interrupts: 'Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?'

Andy:Andy's confession: 'I mean, yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.'

Erin · Andy:Erin's breakup speech: 'I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like that girl Precious in Precious, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Okay?' / Andy: 'I didn't see that movie.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael observes the aftermath: 'That was ugly. I'm sorry that you had to see that.' / Kevin: 'Well, do they still get paid?' / Michael: 'It's tacky to discuss finances.' / Kevin: 'Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.' / Michael: 'Yeah. Pathetic.'

Kevin:Kevin does Cookie Monster impression of Michael offering coffee: 'Or cookies!' [said in Cookie Monster voice after Michael offers coffees]

Kevin:Kevin does extended Michael impression: 'Guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in, because corporate told me to. I just want you to know, I laugh like a crazy person.'

Kevin:Kevin's Michael impression continues: 'I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.'

Kevin · Gabe:Kevin's Michael impression: 'Ciao. Right? Ciao. I say ciao 'cause I'm fancy from Tallahassee.' / Gabe: 'Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? / [beat] / Ciao.'

Office Staff:Someone mutters 'Stick insect.' after Gabe walks away, and someone else says 'God.'

Erin · Michael:Erin alone watching Cookie Monster video, Michael finds her: 'Sorry. I thought everyone was gone.' / Michael: 'No, no. I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded.'

Michael:Michael comforts Erin by dismissing Angela: 'She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom, for one thing, and she's, like, three feet tall, and she wears pioneer women clothing, and I don't think she's ever pooped in her life.'

Michael · Erin:Michael: 'Andy? You know... Come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis.' / Erin: 'Oh, I like his butt.' / Michael: 'You said butt.' / Erin: 'You tricked me.'

Erin · Michael:Erin: 'Oh, I like his butt.' Michael: 'You said butt.' Erin: 'You tricked me.'

Michael:Michael attempts to tell Erin about his neighbor Tom Dizemore: 'You'd love... This... This guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him. "Hey! Hey, Scott..."' [trails off or is cut off]

Michael:Confessional coda: 'Sometimes telling someone something is hard.' / Then cut to: 'Well, at least somebody made her happy on Secretary's Day.'

Kevin · Oscar · Dwight:Kevin's Oscar/Count retaliation video: Oscar calls Kevin about accounting discrepancies; Kevin reveals he made a Cookie Monster vs. The Count parody with Oscar as The Count because 'the Count is purple, and Oscar wears purple.'

Dwight:Dwight evaluates the video: 'Nailed him. Nailed him! Good work, Cookie Monster.'