Michael Scott

Michael · Jim:Michael calls Jim 'Grasshopper' and positions himself as the 'master' — then Jim reveals Michael actually called him in.

Michael:Michael hangs up triumphantly ('You're a gentleman and a scholar!') then realizes he was talking to a woman.

Michael:Michael introduces his office as 'my kingdom, far as the eye can see' — a windowless open-plan paper company office.

Michael:'If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago. Reow, reow.'

Michael:'There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate. It's called the wastepaper basket!'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'People say I am the best boss. They go, "God, we have never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious..."'

Michael:Shot of Michael's 'World's Best Boss' mug — 'I found it at Spencer Gifts.'

Michael:Michael doing the 'Wassuuup?' impression from the Budweiser commercial — 'I still love that after seven years.'

Michael · Dwight:Brief awkward exchange with Dwight — the 'Wassuuup' echo goes unanswered; office tension visible; Michael's 'Back to work!' covers the silence.

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Corporate really doesn't interfere with me at all' — immediately cut to Jan calling.

Michael:Michael calls Jan 'Hillary Rodham Clinton' — 'not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not.'

Pam · Michael · Jan:Pam reveals to Jan that the fax went into the wastepaper basket — Michael's 'special filing cabinet for corporate documents.'

Michael:Michael admits the joke was 'actually my brother's' and 'doesn't work great with faxes.'

Michael · Jan:Jan delivers the news of potential branch closure; Michael responds 'alarm bells are kinda going ringy dingy dingy!'

Michael:'Me no wanna hear that, Jan.'

Michael:'Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?'

Michael · Todd Packer · Jan:Todd Packer calls Jan 'Godzillary' and asks 'Does the carpet match the drapes?'

Michael:'Horrible. Horrible person.' — Michael after Packer's carpet/drapes comment, with Jan present.

Michael · Employees:Michael tells the office 'what does downsizing mean? You guys gotta update your resumes, just like I'm doing' — immediately undermining his own reassurance

Michael:Michael: 'As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.'

Michael · Ryan:Ryan's introduction: Michael greets him with 'Howard, like Moe Howard, Three Stooges' and immediately does Moe impressions at a job applicant.

Michael:'I'm Hitler! Adolf Hitler!' — Michael's talking head about being a 'student of comedy.'

Michael:Michael reading messages while doing a running commentary: 'Oh, that's important. Rrrright. Oh, this is so important I should run to answer it. Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!'

Michael:'Six Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? $6 million? Memo to Jan: I deserve a raise.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: heroes include 'Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln, Bono... and probably God would be the fourth one.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'I'm Assistant Regional Manager, I should know first.' Michael: 'Assistant to the Regional Manager.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight whispers conspiratorially to Michael, asking to be told the news quietly: 'Just whisper it in my ear.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'With my permission.' Dwight: 'I don't need...' Michael: 'Permission granted. Go ahead.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm the head of this family and you ain't gonna be messin' with my chillun'.'

Michael:'Discipline — kinky!' — Michael's response to Dwight's request to discipline Jim.

Michael:Michael: 'I have always been your biggest flan.'

Michael:Michael celebrates his own 'flan' joke: 'Ho ho ho, nice! That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan: 'You should have put him in custardy.' Michael: 'Oh, hey! Yes! New guy, and he scores!'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm a friend first and a boss second. Probably... entertainer third.'

Michael · Ryan · Pam:Michael's fake firing setup: 'As you know, there's going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.'

Michael:Michael's firing justification: Post-it note theft. 1,000 Post-its at 50 cents each, 'you've made a profit margin.'

Michael:Michael's prank reveal: 'You've been Xed, punk!'

Michael:Michael: 'And the best thing about it is that we're not gonna have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct.'

Pam · Michael:Pam: 'You're a jerk!' Michael: 'Ah, I don't know about that.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: proudest moment was when a 'young Guatemalan guy' asked him to be his child's godfather — then 'didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.'

Michael:Michael claims diversity day was his idea and he's been pushing for it, then immediately admits corporate 'beat him with the punch' and he never actually talked to them about it

Michael:Michael mid-confessional accidentally reads the back of a paper and says 'That's the thing, it's a very sturdy paper, and on the back it says: 100% post customer contempt'

Michael · Oscar:Michael introduces Oscar to the documentary crew by his first name, Oscar barely tolerates it, then Michael is surprised to learn his last name is Martinez — 'first name basis'

Michael · Mr. Brown:Mr. Brown: 'You know what? This is a color-free zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.' Mr. Brown: 'See, this is what I'm talking about, we don't have to pretend we're colorblind.' Michael: 'Exactly, we're not colorblind.' Mr. Brown: 'That's fighting ignorance with—' Michael: 'With intolerance.' Mr. Brown: 'No, with more ignorance.'

Michael:Michael suggests everyone go around and name a race they're 'attracted to sexually' as a diversity exercise, adding 'I will go last' and 'I have two: white and Indian'

Michael:Michael's ground rule suggestion: 'Can we steer away from gay people? I'm sorry, it's an orientation, not a race. Plus, a lot of other racists are also intolerant of gays, so — paradox.'

Michael · Mr. Brown:Mr. Brown introduces himself as 'Mr. Brown.' Michael: 'Oh all right! First test, I will not call you that!' Mr. Brown: 'Well it's my name, it's not a test.'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and groundbreaking, and I go into the exact same routine, same comedy timing, and people file a complaint to corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin attempting the Chris Rock reenactment: vague, stumbling, completely butchering the material to the point of incoherence — 'Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.'

Michael:Michael's confessional about Kevin: 'Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.'

Michael:Michael interrupts Kevin, takes over the Chris Rock reenactment, and does the full bit including 'some biiiip ass biiiip, I take care of my kids! Always want credit for something they're supposed to do!'

Mr. Brown · Michael:Mr. Brown reveals to Michael that only Michael's signature was needed — he made copies for everyone 'so you wouldn't be embarrassed'

Michael · Mr. Brown:Michael to Mr. Brown: 'This office is very advanced in terms of racial awareness — and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off.'

Michael:Michael's reaction to learning he's the only one who needed the training: 'Well here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training, and you don't.'

Mr. Brown · Michael:Mr. Brown: 'Don't worry about dating.' Michael: 'I won't.'

Michael:Michael's confessional pledge: reads the H.E.R.O. pledge earnestly, then pauses on 'open-mindedness' — 'is that a word?' — then signs it 'Daffy Duck'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'I do believe in that part of the pledge that I just read. But a pledge, come on. Who are we? The Girl Scouts? No.'

Michael:Michael: 'Well no, I got us talking. It got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us.' ... 'Where was my Oprah moment?'

Michael:Michael asks 'Where was my Oprah moment?' after complaining the diversity seminar lacked heart

Michael:Michael announces to the office: 'Ok, get as much done as you can before lunch, because afterward, I'm gonna have you all in tears.'

Michael:Someone asks 'We are not all gonna sit in a circle, are we?' Michael: 'Get out! ... No, this is not a joke, ok? It was offensive and lame, so double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.'

Michael:Michael's homemade video: 'I'm Michael Scott, I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin... but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over.'

Michael:Michael's video: 'Abraham Lincoln once said that if you're a racist, I will attack you with the North. And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.'

Jim · Michael:Jim's question after the video: 'Uhh, is that it?' Michael: 'Yes, I only had an hour to put it together, but I'm gonna add onto it later on.' Jim: 'It was kind of hard to hear.' Michael: 'Yeah that probably has something to do with the camera work.'

Michael:Michael lets Jim leave early, saying 'Yes, enjoy, absolutely. Namaste.'

Michael:Michael: 'I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish — sort of a virtual United Nations.'

Michael · Jim:Michael reveals he is 'also part Native American Indian' — '2/15ths.' Jim: 'That fraction doesn't make any sense.' Michael: 'Well, it's kinda hard for me to talk about. It's suffering.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael asks Oscar if there's 'a term besides Mexican that you prefer. Something less offensive.' Oscar: 'Mexican isn't offensive!' Michael: 'Well, it has certain connotations.' Oscar: 'Like what?' Michael: 'Like... I don't know.'

Michael:Michael tries to escape the 'Mexican' connotations question by pivoting: 'Honesty, Empathy, Respect...' then calling on Jim to deflect

Michael:Michael introduces the index card exercise: everyone puts a card on their forehead with a race on it, and they must 'treat other people like the race on their forehead' without knowing their own

Michael:Michael's Martin Luther King invocation before the exercise: 'Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not gonna do it but it's...' [trails off admiringly]

Michael:The index card exercise begins. Two employees interact: 'Hi, how are you?' 'Fine, how are you?' Michael: 'Push it!' Employee: 'Great.' Employee: 'I admire your culture's success in America.'

Michael:Michael: 'Come on! Olympics of suffering right here! Slavery versus Holocaust, come on!'

Michael · Pam:Michael to the group: 'OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.' Pam gives her clue: 'I like your food.' Michael: 'Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate!'

Michael:Michael: 'No come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.'

Pam · Michael:Pam: 'OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with — you would maybe not be a very good driver.' Michael: 'Aw man, am I a woman?'

Michael:Michael to camera: 'You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. Uh, no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. You know, the ball's in their court.'

Michael:Michael encouraging someone: 'You need to push it, you know, you could go a little bit further.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael approaches Kelly with an Indian accent: 'Welcome to my convenient store. Would you like some gookie cookie? I have some very delicious gookie cookie, only 99 cents plus taxes. Try my gookie cookie.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael's race card interaction with Kelly — he approaches her convenience store counter character and asks for 'gookie cookie' at '99 cents plus taxes'

Kelly · Michael:Kelly slaps Michael across the face. Michael: 'All right, yes.'

Michael:Michael's post-exercise confessional: 'That was great. She gets it. Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.'

Michael:Michael's confessional about Mr. Brown: 'I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown? If that was his real name!'

Michael:Michael's monologue: 'He had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our things. I just wanted to do it our way, you know? On our own.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'Man, I should have gotten some food. Maybe some spaghetti.' Michael: 'Ok, Kevin, you can take off that thing, ok? That would have really showed him up, wouldn't it?'

Michael:Michael's multicultural lunch: 'I've brought some burritos, some collard greens, some pad thai — love pad thai.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's collard greens.' [pause] 'Doesn't really make sense, cause you don't call it colored people. That's offensive.'

Michael:Michael sends Oscar off with 'Buena vista, Oscar. Thank you.' Then to another employee: 'Good job, oh my man!' Then: 'Thank you, Brazil. Nice.'

Michael:Michael says goodbye to another employee with 'Good job, oh my man!' and to yet another: 'Thank you, Brazil, nice.'

Michael:Michael singing 'Pam! Pamela, Pamelamela Ding Dong! Making copies.'

Michael · Pam:Michael: 'Messages, date, lots to do lots to do... Information superhighway!' — performing busyness theatrically to Pam who is visibly unimpressed.

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'The most sacred thing I do is care, and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money...'

Michael:Michael: 'Does that make me their doctor? ... Yes... In a way... Yeah, like a specialist.'

Michael · Jan:Michael insists the 'gold plan' includes acupuncture; Jan tells him she's not even on that plan; Michael says 'Well I recommend it, it's very good.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's not gonna be a popular decision around the old orifice.'

Michael · Jan:Michael calls picking a healthcare plan 'a suicide mission' to Jan's face, expecting sympathy.

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'Yeah, when have you ever done that?' Michael: 'I'm doing it right now. To you.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Last night on Trading Spouses... have you seen it?' Jan: 'No, I have a life.' Michael: 'Interesting, what's that like?'

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'You should try it sometime.' Michael: 'But then who would watch my TV?'

Michael · Dwight:Michael delegates the healthcare decision to Dwight, saying 'I'm having an unbelievably busy day' — then Dwight's reaction is pure excitement: 'Gosh! Yeah! That is a great offer!'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's first question upon being given managerial power: 'How many people can I fire?'

Dwight · Michael:The 'office vs. workspace' argument — Dwight insists the conference room is an 'office'; when Michael says it's a workspace, Dwight immediately says 'bigger than his!' referring to Michael's office.

Michael:Michael's talking head on Dwight: 'If Dwight fails and that is strike too and good for me, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one would be prouder than I am. I've groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails and, talked about that already.'

Michael · Pam:Michael calls Pam from his office — 'Pam, Michael Scott, how's tricks? Where are you?' Pam: 'Oh, I'm in my office, I am swamped.'

Michael · Pam:Pam tells Michael people are upset; Michael immediately pretends to get another call to escape the conversation: 'Pam, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I, I, I got to go I'm getting a call.' Pam: 'No you're not.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm unreachable. I'm incommunicado capisce?' — then immediately after hanging up: 'Still no one calling.'

Michael · Jim:Michael peeks out his office door at Jim with pathetic hope: 'Michael can I talk to you?' Michael: 'I would like to, but I'm really busy, rain check?'

Michael:Michael announces there will be 'a big surprise' at the end of the day — clearly improvised with zero actual plan behind it.

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! Doesn't matter, the point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking: Wow! My boss really cares about me. He has a surprise, he's cool. What a great guy, I love him. I love him.'

Michael:Michael's internal monologue about what employees are thinking: 'What a great guy, I love him. I love him.'

Michael:Michael sneaks out of the office claiming 'meetings' — and the camera follows him out to watch him clearly going somewhere random as part of his 'busy day.'

Michael:Michael's plan for a surprise: Atlantic City — he believes the casino sends a free bus, free hotel, free chips, 'everything just kind of an all-inclusive free kind of weekend.' Travel agent: 'I don't know of anything like that.'

Michael:Michael calling a coal mine to see if employees can ride the mining elevator as a treat: 'I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.'

Michael:Coal mine contact: 'You mean the elevator that takes you down in the mine shaft? It's not really a ride. It says here it's a 300-foot drop.' Michael: 'So it's not a free fall?' Contact: 'It's an industrial coal elevator.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Ok so I don't know what the surprise is, am I worried? Nooo. No way. You see I thrive on this. This is my world, this is improv, this is Whose Line Is It Anyway.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Damn it! Damn it! Jim!' — Michael realizes Jim has prank-locked him in the office.

Jim · Dwight · Michael:Jim answers Michael's frantic calls with 'Jim Halpert' in a professional phone voice while Michael screams to be let out; then Dwight calls, threatens to fire Jim; Jim: 'No you can't fire me'; Dwight: 'Yes I can, I'm manager for the day.'

Jim · Pam · Michael:The Pam/Jim call while Michael screams in the background: both of them having a cheerful normal conversation about the weekend and shoe shopping while Michael is audible and frantic.

Michael:Michael distributes ice cream sandwiches as the 'non-surprise': 'Everybody, ice cream sandwiches!' Hands them out with excessive ceremony.

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'Hey, temp, why don't you take two. Because you don't get healthcare, and faster metabolism.'

Michael:Employee: 'This isn't the big surprise is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.' Michael: 'Nope, nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, because you didn't expect it. But you'll know it when you see it.'

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim: 'Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.' — revealing Michael has completely forgotten that he delegated to Dwight specifically to avoid blame.

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Cuts? What? Dwight, did you make cuts?' Dwight: 'Yeah, you said go in and—' Michael: 'No no no no no. I said nothing specific because I was so busy.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five and... What time is it? What time is it?' Jim: 'It's after five.' Michael: 'It's awful.'

Michael:Michael discovers it's after 5pm and the plan deadline has passed: 'I wish I had time to change it, but... Jan needs it by five and... What time is it? What time is it?' Employee: 'It's after five.' Michael: 'It's awful.'

Michael · Angela:Angela reminds Michael of the surprise. Michael stalls, asks what everyone thinks the surprise is. Employee: 'We all think you don't have a surprise.' Michael: 'All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise.'

Michael:Michael stalling with 'Drum roll.' — an extended silence where the surprise is never revealed

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improv from the greats, like... Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.'

Michael:Michael: 'Robin Williams, oh man, would I love to go head to head with him. That would be exciting! Hi, I'm Mork from Ork. Well, I'm Bork for Smork. Anounanouzoubliblublu.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael correcting Dwight: 'Assistant TO the regional manager, Dwight'

Michael:Michael's talking head about Donald Trump: 'The main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words You're fired'

Michael:Michael practices saying 'You're fired' repeatedly to the camera, clearly enjoying it

Michael:Michael's proposed catch phrase: 'You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want' — 'But that's unrealistic so...'

Michael:Michael talking head: 'Studies have shown more information gets passed through water cooler gossip... which puts me at a disadvantage because...'

Michael:The water cooler has been moved away from its spot, ostensibly for 'maintenance' — Michael standing alone where it used to be

Michael:Michael's talking head calling Meredith's birthday party 'Operation Moral Improvement, Starring Michael Scott'

Michael · Pam:Michael asks for a drum roll for the birthday person reveal — Pam says there are no upcoming birthdays

Michael · Pam:Michael decides to throw Meredith's birthday party a month early — 'It will be a surprise!'

Michael · Pam:Michael tells Pam to 'shake it up, shake it in' while she tries to plan the party — dead enthusiasm from everyone

Michael · Pam:Michael does a Star Trek bit with Pam: 'Spock, any signs of life down there?' / 'No captain, just a wet blanket named Pam'

Michael:Michael refers to the party planning committee as 'my party planning biatches'

Michael · Party Committee:Michael insisting on an ice cream cake despite Meredith being allergic to dairy: 'She's not the only one that's gonna be eating right? I think everybody likes ice cream cake'

Michael:Michael calls the party planning committee his 'party planning biatches' and brags about their 'off the hook' eighties party

Michael:Michael's birthday card reveal: 'Happy Bird-day' on the envelope

Jim · Michael:Jim's card message: 'Meredith, I heard you're turning forty-six but come on, you're an accountant — just fudge the numbers'

Michael:Michael's talking head about his own birthday card message: 'I've already set the bar really high... can you imagine if I wrote something like Meredith, happy birthday, you're great, love Michael'

Michael:Michael trying to write Meredith's birthday card: 'Meredith had a little lamb, don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar comes in to ask for a charity donation; Michael dramatically commits to '$25' like it's a fortune

Michael:Michael's speech about Oscar's charity: 'Generosity and togetherness and community... all convalescences into... moral'

Michael:Michael's birthday card brainstorm: 'Meredith bad-breath. Meredith has bad breath.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight suggests Michael use the fact that 'she had a hysterectomy' as birthday card material; Michael: 'Which one is that again?' / Dwight: 'That's when they remove the uterus.' / Michael: 'Oh God, Dwight, NO!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael considers putting Dwight in a large cardboard box with a lid taped shut to spy from

Michael:Michael to Meredith about the dairy cake: 'You know what, if I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. This is way, way too good.'

Michael · Jim:Michael catches Jim watching; Jim explains the Oscar charity donation was '$25' / Michael: 'Money isn't everything, Jim. Not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael goes back to Oscar to 'clarify' that his donation was 'a kind of flat, you know, twenty-five dollars one time donation'

Michael · Oscar:Michael asks Oscar how many miles his nephew walked last year — Oscar says eighteen — Michael: 'Son of a bitch!'

Michael:Michael's birthday card: 'Meredith, let's hope that the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age'

Michael:Michael's unprompted additional bad card jokes: Liz Taylor called, wants her age and divorces back; 'Meredith is so old she went into an antique store and they kept her'

Michael:Michael attempts a crowd-participation 'she's so old' routine: 'How old is she? She's so old she went into an antique store and they kept her.'

Michael · Angela:Michael criticizes the streamers: 'Ladies, not your best effort. You could have done better than that, don't you think?' / Angela: 'Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.'

Michael:Michael's speech: he's made 'a very sizable donation' — '25 dollars' — 'per mile, yes' — and wants to be remembered as the guy who donated hospital wings anonymously, 'But it was anonymous, how do you know? Because I met him.'

Michael:'Don't cash that until Friday, ok?' — Michael to Meredith, handing over the charity check

Michael · Ryan:Michael and Ryan doing a 'secret sign' handshake greeting that is clearly not secret at all and slightly awkward

Michael:Michael's talking-head: 'I play basketball every weekend... I start messin' around. And, uh, I'm sinkin' a few. You know? Swish, swish, swish. Nothin' but net. And, uh, their jaws just drop to the floor.'

Michael:Michael says 'their jaws just drop to the floor' then pauses and adds: 'African-Americans. Um...' and trails off

Michael · Dwight:Dwight privately lobbies Michael to be on the basketball team; Michael references 'Todd Packard' and vouching for Dwight at a pick-up game as the reason he can't play

Michael:'The hand strikes and gives a flower.' — Michael's non-sequitur Zen aphorism before telling Dwight he can't play

Michael · Dwight:Michael calls Dwight his 'Assistant Regional Manager'; Dwight corrects him — 'Assistant to the Regional Manager'; Michael says 'Same thing'; Dwight: 'No, it's lower, so...' Michael: 'It's close.'

Michael:Michael: 'Managing... by walkin' around!' said to no one in particular as he strides purposefully through the office

Michael:Michael: 'This is our warehouse, or as I like to call it, the "whoorehouse." But don't you call it that. I've earned the right.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael introduces the foreman: 'This is the foreman, Mitta Rogers.' — 'That's not my real name.' — 'It's Darryl. Darryl is Mitta Rogers.' — Extended chain: Darryl Rogers → Darryl Philbin → Regis → Rege → Roger → Mitta Rogers

Michael · Roy:Michael to Roy: 'You still gettin' it regular, man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael accuses Darryl of 'chickenin' out' and 'bailin'' when Darryl says they have a 1:15 truck going out

Michael · Dwight:Michael to his team: 'But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumblin' all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.' — Pause — Dwight: 'Gimli.' — Michael: 'Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael's team selection: 'Stanley, of course.' — Stanley: 'I'm sorry? Um... What do you play, center? Why "of course"?' — Michael: 'Uh... What's that supposed to mean? I don't know. I... I don't remember saying that.'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley: 'I heard it.' (re: Michael saying 'of course' about himself) — Michael: 'I heard it that time.' — quiet acknowledgment of his own double standard

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'I have a sports bra.' — Michael: 'No, no! Ridiculous!'

Michael · Ryan:Ryan is described as having 'a lot of passion, a lot of heart' — Ryan's response: 'But I'm getting paid to skip lunch, right?'

Michael:'Hoo, hoo, hoo.' — followed by Michael's cheerful 'Close!' — implied near-miss practice shot that clearly wasn't close at all

Michael · Phyllis:Various staff members offer themselves for the team. Phyllis: 'I can help out if you need me.' Michael: 'I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Dwight lobbies to be 'assistant team manager' — Michael: 'No, I am the team manager!' — Dwight: 'Assistant team manager?' — Michael: 'No.' — Dwight: 'Okay, we'll see who's working this weekend then.' — Michael immediately: 'Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.'

Pam · Michael:Pam to Michael as he practices shots: 'Please don't throw garbage at me.' — Michael: 'Oh, Pam with a zinger!'

Michael · Pam:Michael asks Pam to be cheerleader with 'pigtails, little halter top... tie that up... something a little youthful, for a change, just this once.'

Michael:Michael to Meredith: 'Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay, I mean... you know, not in the homosexual way at all. I mean the, uh, you know, like the bad at sports way.'

Michael:Michael telling Angela she's an 'alternate in case somebody gets hurt': 'Blessed be those who sit and wait.'

Michael:Michael to someone unexpected arriving in the break room: 'You made it! Suit up. You're on the team!'

Michael:Warehouse worker getting tea is accused of being 'a spy from the warehouse.' Michael: 'He's runnin'! He's runnin'! He's runnin', but he can't hide, because you know what? 1:00, you better bring your A game.'

Michael · Darryl:Darryl: 'Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.' — Michael: 'You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser works on Saturday.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head: 'Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game. Tck!'

Michael:Michael pre-game speech: 'Listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here. The Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired.' — [pause] — 'That's a joke.'

Michael:Michael's matchup assignments: 'Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.' — then: 'Dwight, you have the East German gal.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'We'll be skins.' — Dwight immediately takes his shirt off — Michael: 'Come on, Dwight.' — Dwight: 'What? Shirts, on or off?' — Michael: 'On. Just put it on.'

Michael · Roy · Pam:Michael to Pam for the jump ball: 'Pam, you kind of have your foot in both camps here. Why don't you do the jump ball?' — Roy: 'Don't listen to him, Pam. Tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head mid-game: 'I'm in the zone. What's with me today? Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know. I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing, paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing. Um... Well, that's... that's probably going to happen, actually.'

Michael:Michael dribbling with elaborate trash talk: 'Where you at? Where you at? Where you at? Uh. Oh. You over there? I'm over here. Yeah. Mm. Here. Uh. That is cool. Is that like the robot?'

Michael:Michael to Dwight during a time-out: 'Football is like rock and roll. And basketball is like Jazz, you know? It's in the pocket.'

Michael:Michael attempts what appears to be a Harlem Globetrotter-style trick shot or move — the transcript just reads 'Harlem Globetrotter.'

Michael:Time-out: Michael: 'What's goin' on? What is goin' on? You guys are playing like a bunch of girls.'

Michael:Time-out. Michael berates everyone: 'You guys are playing like a bunch of girls.' Decides to take Roy himself.

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim after a hard foul: 'You all right, Jim? Suck it up. He's afraid of you now.'

Michael:After Jim takes another hit: 'Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?' — asked gleefully as though this is exciting rather than concerning

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Dwight fouls his own teammate (Jim) — Michael: 'Same team, Dwight.' — Dwight: [no response implied, just continuing]

Michael:Michael ends the game by calling a foul and declaring it over — insists whoever was ahead wins — discovers it was the warehouse team — cheerfully announces: 'Great. I mean, I guess you guys working Saturday.'

Michael:Michael ends the game to protect Jim: 'Game over! Game over! Game over! That is it... We were having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame. But, you know, we're like a family here and that's just... that won't fly.'

Michael:Warehouse workers pressing Michael on the Saturday bet — Michael: 'You guys believed me?' pause 'Come on. Dawgs, you know, you should know me better than that.'

Michael:Michael: 'Do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly. No. I'm embarrassed it was even that close. No, of course, we're coming in Saturday.'

Michael:Michael post-game: 'You know what? Screw corporate. Nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off.'

Michael:Michael announces to the warehouse staff: 'You know what? Screw corporate. Nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off.'

Michael:Michael's closing talking-head: 'The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.'

Michael · Jan:Michael pretends to check notes for what Jan just said, stalling with 'Let me, uh... check my notes' before repeating her words almost verbatim

Michael · Jan:Michael interrupts a serious corporate call to ask about Alan and tell him 'the Mets suck. From me, big time. Go Pirates!'

Michael · Jan:Michael asks if 'top salesman' includes people 'who were at one time such outstanding salesmen that they've been promoted to...' — Jan cuts him off before he finishes

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks what motivates people more than anything else; Dwight immediately answers 'Sex.' Michael: 'It's illegal. I can't do that.' Dwight: 'Torture.'

Michael · Pam:Michael interrupts Pam mid-sentence with a stream of fast-food order: 'Pam! Hey, there's... Burger with cheese! There's a person here... And fries! There's... And shake!'

Michael:'All right, girls, break it up. You're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse. Cocks in the henhouse. Don't say cocks.'

Michael · Katy · Pam:Michael to Katy: 'You are, uh, you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0.'

Michael · Pam:Michael: 'Oh, hey, no cat fights, you two. I'm against violence in the workplace.' Pam/other: 'So am I.' Michael: 'Nobody cares what you think.'

Michael:Michael bumps the HR meeting to 'the hallway' to give Katy the conference room, then says 'We'll give them some chairs. Right? Decisiveness!'

Michael · Katy:Michael reads Small Businessman, USA Today, and American Way ('That's the in-flight magazine'), citing a Doris Roberts restaurant profile as 'Illuminating'

Michael · Katy:Michael: 'Oh, gotta love the Bucks! What? It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place.'

Michael · Katy:Michael's speech about being 'his own man' and 'going by the beat of a different drummer,' 'nobody gets me,' culminating in 'I'm always tearing them down. Just breaking down barriers. That's what I do all day.' — delivered to a woman he met five minutes ago while she waits for coffee

Michael · Katy:Michael delivers coffee saying 'High test or unleaded?' Katy says 'Bring it on.' Michael: 'Ooh, ho! Whoo! I will, I'll bring it on! All right!'

Michael · Ryan:Michael introduces Katy and asks Ryan to watch the purses; Ryan explains he's installing File Share; Michael: 'Yeah, well, blah dee blooh dah blah blah. Techno babble. Just do it, okay?'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'Here's Oscar! Oscar, this is Katy.' Oscar: 'I'm on the phone.' Michael: 'Ooh, ooh, oh, Oscar the Grouch. Right? I thought of that.' Oscar: 'That was on Sesame Street.'

Michael · Toby · Katy:Michael introduces Toby and Katy, mentions Toby's Catholic school, then immediately starts broadcasting Toby's personal life: 'Toby's divorced. He, uh... God. Recently, right? And you have kids? A girl. Oh, that's so... That was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?'

Michael:Michael: 'I live by one rule. No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate. No. But... I live by another rule. Just do it. Nike.'

Michael · Jim:Michael asks Jim his type; Jim says Katy's 'not really my type.' Michael: 'What, are you gay?' Jim: 'Mmm, I don't think so, no.' Michael: 'Well, what is your type?'

Michael · Kevin:Michael reveals his type: 'Moms... primarily. Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms. Any type of mom, really.' Kevin: 'That's disgusting.' Michael: 'Stay away from my mom.' Michael: 'Too late, Kev.'

Michael · Pam:Michael to Pam: 'Giggle, giggle, shooshy, shooshy. I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood over here. Right?'

Michael · Pam:Michael catches Pam having already eaten lunch before her 'lunch break': 'So, uh, Pam, is this your lunch break or was that earlier, when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?' Then: 'Busted.'

Michael · Katy:Michael shows Katy the Starbucks espresso machine he bought with the $1,000 incentive prize budget: 'This is a Starbucks Digital Barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.'

Michael:Michael: 'Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug... it is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the '80s before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Gah... man, did they move paper!'

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'I should never have let the temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons, and now I have four folders.' Ryan: 'It's actually better this way.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight asks Michael's permission to ask out Katy, citing rules. Michael confirms it's fine because she's not a permanent employee — then reveals: 'But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael about the ride home: 'It might be a ride home. Might be a ride home, and we stop for coffee and... dot, dot, dot.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'You cannot promise me or you won't promise me?' Michael: long pause. Then: 'Do you love her? I... I don't know. It's too early to tell. I... I don't know how I feel.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight realizes the espresso machine is the incentive prize: 'I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson.' Michael: 'Very easy to clean. Okay.' Dwight: 'Like he's gonna win anyway.'

Michael · Pam:Michael asks Pam: 'Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?' Camera cut to Pam: 'A futon?' Michael: 'He's a grown man.' Pam: 'That's what he said.' Pam: 'That's sad.' Michael: 'Or it's innovative.'

Michael · Brian:Michael recruits 'Brian' to help him clean out his car as prep for driving Katy home, including checking for specific drinks: 'What flavor? Blue. Blue's not a flavor. It says, Flavor: Blue Blast. Oh, Blue Blast, yes. Put that in the trunk.'

Michael · Brian:'What flavor?' / 'Blue.' / 'Blue's not a flavor.' / 'It says Flavor: Blue Blast.' / 'Oh, Blue Blast, yes. Put that in the trunk.'

Michael · Brian:Michael's car contains a near-empty bottle of Rite Aid 'Night Swept' cologne that he insists is his Drakkar Noir. 'No, this says Rite Aid Night Swept.' Michael: 'No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label.'

Michael · Brian:Michael insists there's cologne left: 'It's empty.' 'No, it's not. There's some in the straw.' — then sprays a tiny amount — 'There. Now you may throw it out.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan, examining the garbage in Michael's car: 'Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?' Michael: 'That's over several months, Ryan.' Ryan: 'Still...'

Michael:Michael's talking-head about being a ladies' man: 'I think, in order to be a ladies' man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies' man. So I kind of play that close to the chest... Women are attracted to power. And I think... other people have told me I have a very symmetrical face. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right. I don't know.'

Michael · Katy · Jim:Michael enthusiastically tries to carry Katy's bags for her as she leaves; she politely declines; he insists — 'Sure you don't want me to help you with that? 'Cause I can grab that, no problem.' — and she leaves with Jim instead

Michael:Michael sees Jim struggling with Katy's bags: 'Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter.' — deadpan incorrect

Michael:Michael's final talking-head about his employees: 'If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick up at a bar and these people, I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an every day stand. And I still know their names in the morning.'

Michael:Michael's final confessional: 'If I had to choose between a one-night stand with some stupid cow I pick up at a bar and these people, I'd pick them every time. Because with them it is an every day stand. And I still know their names in the morning.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head about the Dundies being 'everybody's favorite day' and 'everybody looks forward to it' — cut to the rest of the episode proving nobody wants to be there.

Michael:"Like Meredith or Kevin. I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"

Michael:Michael's story escalates from employee recognition to a neighbor hanging himself due to 'lack of recognition.'

Michael · Jim:Michael's old footage labels Jim as 'Fat Halpert' on the Dundies tape.

Jim · Michael:Jim says he keeps his Dundies hidden so he won't 'get cocky,' then Michael reveals his are in a display case above his bed.

Michael:"TMI? Too Much Information. It's just easier to say TMI. I used to say 'Don't Go There' but that's lame."

Michael · Stanley:Stanley says he threw out his Dundies. Michael refuses to believe it. Stanley insists he did.

Michael · Oscar:Archive footage: Oscar receives 'Show Me the Money' award

Michael:Old Dundies footage: Michael sings 'A Little Bit of Pam All Night Long' to the tune of 'Mambo No. 5,' inserting employee names.

Michael:Michael calls Jan at corporate, asking her to attend the Dundies, describing her as 'her highness Jan Levinson Gould descending from her corporate throne to visit us lowly serfs.'

Michael · Jan:Jan says she's not coming. Michael's response: 'You could take the bus, work on the way here, sleep on the way home.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'You're dropping an A-bomb on me here!' Jan: 'Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you.'

Michael · Jan:Jan reveals Michael already spent the party budget on a '05-05-05 party.' Michael: 'It happens once every billion years!'

Michael · Jan:Jan mentions the 'tsunami relief fundraiser that somehow lost a lot of money.' Michael: 'It was a FUN-raiser. I think I made that very clear on the flyers. Fun, F-U-N.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's Karnac the Magnificent bit: 'PLO, IRA, and the hot-dog stand behind the warehouse... Name three businesses that have better healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin.'

Michael:"Here's the problem: there is no open bar because of Jan, and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a 2-drink minimum."

Michael:"We'll be fine. I just wish people were gonna be drunk."

Michael:Michael: 'We'll be fine. I just wish people were gonna be drunk.'

Michael · Pam:Immediately after the Dwight/ladies' room chaos, Michael cuts to: 'The Dundee award for longest engagement goes to Pam Beesly!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight debate keeping 'longest engagement' for Pam. Dwight: 'I just think, world's on disengagement, we're all expecting it, you know? That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married it gets funnier!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael says using the same joke every year 'comes across as lazy.' Dwight replies: 'Ow, lazy!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael dismisses Dwight mid-sentence with 'Don't don't talk don't touch stop it — oddment!'

Michael:Michael's speech addressing 'rumors' about the Dundies: 'No money, no food, and the jokes are really bad.'

Michael:Michael's Dundies opening warning: 'Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap-it-up music and I'm not afraid to use it, Devin.'

Michael:The Dundies theme song: a badly mangled song about the Dundies with near-incoherent lyrics performed at the ceremony.

Michael · unnamed waitress:The waitress trips on the cord, cutting off Michael's song mid-performance.

Michael:Michael's opening joke: 'Please do not drink and drive, because you may hit a bump and spill the drink.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael announces separate checks instead of a group tab. Stanley reveals he did bring his family. Michael: 'I'm looking forward to meeting Terry.' Stanley: 'It's this person whose hand I'm holding, Michael.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's HR joke: He was on a 'very hot date with a girl from HR' and was about to take her bra off when she made him fill out 'six hours of paperwork.'

Michael · multiple employees:The audience starts leaving for Poor Richard's mid-Dundies. Michael: 'Guys, where are you going?'

Michael · Phyllis:'The Busiest Beaver award goes to Phyllis Lapin!' Michael then realizes the trophy says 'Bushiest Beaver.'

Jan · Michael:Jan arrives at the Dundies. Michael: 'Jan Levinson Gould!' Jan: 'Good, I'm just in time for Ping.'

Michael · Ryan:'The hottest in the office award goes to... Ryan the temp!'

Michael · Angela:'The Tight Ass award goes to Angela — not only because she's everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose!'

Michael · Jan:Michael and Jan drinking from apparently empty glasses. Michael: 'I think those might be empty.' Jan: 'No, 'cause the ice melts, and then it's like a second drink!'

Michael · Kelly:'The Spicy Curry award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor!'

Michael · Kelly:Kelly: 'Spicy curry, what does that mean?' Michael: 'Not everything means something, this is a joke.' Kelly: 'Yeah but why did you give it to me?' Michael: 'I don't know, I'd just...' Kelly: 'This is a bowler!' Michael: 'I know, they didn't have any businessmen, so...'

Michael:Michael's aside: 'It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael says Dwight is 'sucking the funny out of the room' — then the music cue comes in too early and Michael is caught off-guard.

Michael:Michael's 'Tiny Dancer' parody: 'You have won a tiny Dundie.'

Michael · bar patrons:Random bar patrons heckle Michael: 'You suck man! You suck!'

Michael:Michael announces he'll 'rapid up' and cut the Dundies short so 'everybody can enjoy their food.'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin's award: 'The Don't Go In There After Me award... for the time I went to the bathroom after him and it was really, really smelly.'

Michael · Pam:Pam's 'Whitest Sneakers' award — Michael: 'because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!'

Michael:Michael's reaction to Pam falling/being drunk: 'Oh my god! You are so drunk! Did you get that?'

Michael:Michael's closing confessional: 'I made Pam laugh so hard she fell out of her chair and almost broke her neck. So I killed. Almost!'

Chili's manager · Michael:The Chili's manager announces Pam has been 'banned from this restaurant chain ever again' for sneaking drinks.

Michael · Jim:Michael orchestrates a fake email chain so he can 'discover' a forwarded joke in his spam folder — the joke setup is entirely manufactured by him for an audience of one

Michael:'50 signs your priest might be Michael Jackson' — Michael reads out the subject line of his own forwarded email with pride

Michael:'I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business.'

Michael:Michael's 'Friends' analogy: 'We are like Friends. I am Chandler. And Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.'

Michael:Michael describes the monkey sex video: 'it's nature, educational' — then immediately asks Jim if he wants the link to forward it

Michael:Michael's gleeful reaction to Packer's crude entrance: 'Oh, you are so bad... He is a madman. Better get the bleep button ready for him. Bleep bleep!'

Michael:Michael's talking head about Packer: 'Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best friends forever.'

Michael:Michael's Packer anecdote: Packer told twins they were brothers, brought them back to a motel, 'and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.'

Todd Packer · Michael:Packer's gossip about Randall: 'blonde incompetent... ten words a minute. Talking.' — escalating misogyny delivered with mock journalism

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'That Todd Packer can do anything. Except pass that breathalyzer.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm going to forward it like it's hot.' — about the monkey sex video link

Michael:Michael's talking head about Toby: 'Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family either.'

Michael:'There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.'

Michael:Michael introduces Toby's announcement by framing it as an unwanted interruption, then says 'So take it away' with theatrical magnanimity

Michael:Michael's '$5 prostitute / crabs / lobster' joke, followed by his solemn 'This is what's at stake.'

Michael:Michael goes to the warehouse to find 'killer jokes that'll blow everybody away at the seminar' — frames the warehouse workers as a comedic oracle

Warehouse Worker · Michael:Warehouse worker to Michael, about his pants: 'Those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where did you get 'em, like, Queers 'R' Us?'

Warehouse Workers · Michael:Warehouse workers continue roasting Michael's pants: 'Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner... Good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.'

Michael · Warehouse Workers:Michael's bewildered protest: 'Not exactly what I was looking for. But thanks, guys.' then a worker shouts after him 'You look good in those pants! He get it from his mama!'

Michael:Michael's response to Pam's request not to harass her mom: 'Great point. In fact, basic rule of thumb — let's just act every day like Pam's mom is coming in.'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley reveals the 'centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl outfit' hot picture is his daughter. Michael: 'I'm taking it down right now.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'She wasn't that hot.' / Michael: 'Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!'

Michael:Michael introduces his 'office girlfriend' and summons her — she appears shirtless on camera; 'I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European.'

Michael · Toby:Michael: 'What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her partner into work? Would that be crossing the line?' / Toby: 'No.' / Michael: 'What if they made out in front of everybody?' escalating to 'And I told everybody everything about it?'

Michael · Pam:Michael's solution: 'Well, then, let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A. And girl B will be... Okay, we'll use the doll.'

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim: 'No, thanks, I'm good.' / Michael: 'That's what she said.' — immediately after announcing his retirement from comedy

Michael · Darryl:Michael recognizes the actress in the corporate sexual harassment video: 'I banged this girl right here.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'You are never gonna believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that corporate gave us. Darryl banged her! And... He's about 90% sure.'

Michael · Jan:Michael introduces 'James P. Albini, I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in free speech issues. And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits. This guy does it all.'

Michael:Michael's drug dealer analogy: 'You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another' — defending email forwards

Michael:Michael's formal announcement: 'You can consider this my retirement from comedy... if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.'

Jim · Michael:Jim: 'Does that include That's what she said?' / Michael: 'Mm-hmm, yes.' / Jim: 'Wow, that is really hard. Do you really think you can go all day long?'

Michael · Jan:Jan reveals Michael's hired lawyer is actually the corporate lawyer — Michael: 'So I'm not in trouble?' / Jan: [pause] / Michael: 'I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting corporate that I forget that I am corporate.'

Michael · James Albini:Michael to his billboard lawyer after the reveal: 'Okay, well, let's get you out of here, James. Um, I think we're under an hour still.' / Lawyer: 'Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home.' / Michael: 'We'll talk about it later.'

Michael · Pam's Mom:Michael tells the lottery joke to Pam's mom: 'Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery... He goes, I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five.' / 'Boom!'

Kevin · Michael · Phyllis:Kevin's pointing — the 'nymphomaniac convention' joke about a woman who 'looks a lot like... Phyllis? Yeah.' / Michael shuts it down with 'Kevin, Phyllis is a valued member of this family. Like a grandmother.' / Phyllis: 'I'm the same age as you, Michael.' / Michael: 'I don't know about that.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael tells Kevin: 'You crossed the line... you must be punished. So go to your corner.' / Kevin: 'You mean where my desk is?' / Michael: 'Yes, your corner. Go.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael tries to prove he's changed by declaring his love for Phyllis, then asking for a kiss: 'I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here. Give me a kiss. Come on.'

Michael · Phyllis:Phyllis: 'I'm not gonna... Report you to HR.' / Michael: 'The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.' / Michael: 'Good work today, everybody.'

Michael:Michael's final monologue: 'Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore.'

Michael:Michael: 'It would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.' — the subordinate clause 'as much as I might want to'

Michael:I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl, so I'm wise, and I have worms.

Michael:Office is yours, home alone, risky business. Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you wanna do.

Michael:Healthier, gotta watch those carbs.

Michael:Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you own a property and they threw you in the stacks, and then humiliate you. And it worked!

Michael · Dwight:Dwight insists on accompanying Michael to his condo closing as his 'representative,' Michael corrects 'associate,' Dwight says 'same thing,' Michael: 'No it is not!'

Michael:Ah, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive because that's the way they talk in movies.

Michael · Dwight:Dwight, it's 50° outside, don't — / But then no one could see us.

Michael:Michael misidentifies which condo is his, enthusiastically describing the wrong building as 'My sanctuary, my party pad' — then corrects himself.

Michael:Michael meets Bill from the condo association and immediately does a 'Mr. Bill' SNL impression — 'Oh noooooo, Mr. Bill, ooooooh.'

Dwight · Michael:This is smaller than your old place. / Yes, well I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So it's still an upgrade. / He doesn't know anything about property ownership. He's kind of an idiot.

Bill · Michael · Dwight:Also it's very accepting of all lifestyles. It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood. / Oh good, that's good. / Yeah. It's good to be accommodating of that. / Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Michael:Check out the cathedral ceilings, those are like 17 feet high. We have cable readiness right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out.

Dwight · Michael:Neighbor threw his wife into the wall. Plasma screen hits the floor, totally smashed. / Well then I will get a warranty. / Warranties don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off. / Well I won't get a warranty. / Hush.

Michael · Dwight · Mortgage agent:10 year fixed over 30, 30 year total. / Ow, 30 years! / Ok ok. / Wow you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.

Michael:The pen tip breaks off during signing. 'Hey look, cool! Carpenter ends.' Michael takes a breather.

Michael:The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That I don't — I don't know if you showed me the same unit or not?

Michael:Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles. And as far as I can tell, I'm the best looking person here. There's a basic principle in real estate that you should never be the best looking person in the development.

Michael · Dwight:I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a home-owner, right? Good to be a home-owner, diversifying, this is good. This is fun, we're having fun! / Totally having fun!

Michael:Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today?

Michael · Dwight:I have a surprise for you — for helping me out today. / You don't have to d— / No, no, I insist... and that is why I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.

Michael:Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back with 500 dollars plus utilities.

Michael:I'm thinking lock into a 4-year commitment, we'll go month to month after that, or until I start dating, have a girlfriend, and then you're... you know, you're gone.

Michael · Dwight:What the hell is a terrarium? / It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. / Oh, so an aquarium. / That will not come into this place, ok?

Dwight · Michael:Question: what about carpooling? Who pays for the gas? / We take separate cars. / And question, can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine? / Why would we do that? / Just for fun. / No. / Question: who's the primary in the fire insurance?

Michael · Dwight:Dwight's rapid-fire negotiation questions: carpooling arrangements, driving each other's cars 'just for fun,' fire insurance primary — Michael revokes the offer mid-sentence.

Dwight · Michael:You know, you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15-year on our beet farm, we paid it off early. / Yeah, well, nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. / Beets are the worst! / People loved beets! / Nobody likes beets. / Everyone loves beets. / Nobody likes beets, Dwight. / Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now — not a beet.

Jim · Michael:Michael? / Yep. Jim, slim Jim.

Michael · Jim:Michael tells Jim about the condo: 'it's a 3-bedroom gay-friendly.' Jim: 'nice.'

Jim · Pam · Michael:These are the closing ceremonies, step up! / Here on the top one. / Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo — gold medal!

Michael:I don't really know what to say... My heart is very full at this moment.

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'What the hell is that?' Jim: 'Those are the doves.' — referring to what are presumably paper doves or similarly improvised visual effects.

Michael · Ryan:Ryan says he wants to own his own company; Michael responds: 'That is ridiculous.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.'

Michael:Michael does a Yoda impression: 'Much advice you seek.'

Michael:Rule number one of business: 'You need to play to win, but you also have to win to play.'

Michael:'Do you wanna die? Out!' and 'Stanley, have you ever seen a burn victim? Move to the exits.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael grabs Kelly, tells her to remove her stockings because 'they'll melt right into your flesh,' and instructs her to breathe through her nose while she struggles to get away from him

Michael:Michael's talking head explaining he was first out: 'I've heard women and children first, but we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I've a lawsuit on my hands.'

Michael:Rule number two: 'Adapt. React. Readapt. Apt.'

Michael · Ryan · Dwight:The count-off: Michael insists he is number one, refuses to let Ryan be number two, assigns him 'number 14' because 'Marjorie's not here today'

Michael · Dwight:Michael proposes 'Three Musketeers' then 'Three Stooges' for himself, Dwight, and Ryan

Michael:Michael: 'I would take The Da Vinci Code so I could burn The Da Vinci Code.' Then: 'That's gonna keep you warm for, like, seven seconds.'

Michael:Michael's Rule #4: 'In business, image is everything. Andre Agassi.' — spoken while apparently admiring Ryan's car

Michael · Meredith:Michael mocking Meredith's movie choices (Legends of the Fall, Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blonde): 'Wow. Wow. Legally Blonde. These movies are just...' and 'Unforgivable.'

Michael:Michael spots Ryan's test-prep book in the car and calls it 'Stanley Kaplan,' greeting it like a person: 'Hello, Mr. Egghead. Oh, Stanley Kaplan. I know him.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me or Ryan would ever teach me.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael vs. Ryan: business school quiz. Michael confidently answers 'equal' to whether it's cheaper to acquire or retain a customer. Ryan: 'It is 10 times more expensive to sign a new customer.'

Michael:Michael's response to the business quiz question: 'Keep an existing cust— Shut it.'

Michael:Michael defends himself by citing NBA players who skipped college: 'You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael reacts to Ryan explaining 'market fragments': 'You are so smart. You are so effing smart. You should be teaching me.'

Jim · Michael:Jim lists The Princess Bride as his all-time favorite movie but gets cut off by Michael for going over five

Michael:Michael's talking head about being promoted young and how co-workers 'look at you differently' — followed by an uncomfortable silence/pause

Michael:Michael: 'I'm really uncomfortable.' — during his own talking head

Pam · Michael:Pam's visible discomfort when Michael calls on her first for 'Who would you do?' — and her flustered attempt to have him explain the rules before answering

Michael:Michael: 'Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan, because he is gonna own his own business.'

Jim · Michael:Jim: 'What if he dies in the fire, and that's the last thing you ever said to him?' Michael: 'I didn't say it to him. I said it about him.'

Pam · Michael:Pam: 'What if he dies in the fire, and that's the last thing you ever said to him?' Michael: 'I didn't say it to him. I said it about him.'

Michael:Michael's announcement about the fire cause: 'Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven, because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on 'oven' instead of timing it for the toaster thing.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael repeats the exact punchline: 'Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school.' Then Dwight confirms: 'That's exactly what I said.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam · Michael:The office collectively piles on Ryan: 'Toaster Oven 101. You failed?' / 'I'm so sorry.' / 'Hey, I know what'll impress everybody. I'll start a fire.' / 'Bad idea jeans.'

Michael:Michael sings 'We Didn't Start the Fire' with Ryan's name substituted: 'Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!'

Michael:Final Michael talking head: 'Oh, look, Ryan is book smart, and I am street smart and book smart. I'll give you the rest of the 10 tomorrow.'

Michael:Michael's Rule #5: 'Safety first, i.e., don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no-brainer.' — followed by: 'Oh, look, Ryan is book smart, and I am street smart and book smart.'

Michael:Michael arrives in costume to a workplace crisis, visually undercutting the gravity of the firing situation

Michael:Michael's talking-head confession that he was supposed to fire someone by end of month and 'somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile'

Michael · Sherri:Michael asks Jan's assistant Sherri how she'd want to be told she's fired 'so you could still be friends with the person firing you'

Michael · Sherri:'Wish I could fire Sherri' — followed immediately by 'Hey, I'm still here'

Michael · Pam:Michael tells Pam 'this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do' about firing someone

Michael · Pam:Michael: 'You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.' Pam: 'So it's a man?' Michael: 'No. Or a woman. A human life.'

Michael · Pam:Michael asks Pam who deserves to be fired based on job performance; Pam says 'I just answer the phone.' Michael: 'And sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael compliments Dwight's costume as 'fantastic'; Dwight proudly says 'I sent away for it in July from a catalog'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's dramatic 'Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't' followed by a scare/startled reaction — implying Dwight triggered Michael with the costume

Jim · Michael:Jim's costume: 'I'm a three-hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain white Jim, or three-hole punch.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael looks at Dwight's elaborate Sith Lord costume and asks 'What are you? A monk?'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'I am Sith Lord.' Michael dismisses it: 'Big deal.' Then aside to camera: 'Three round pieces of paper taped to his shirt.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight, wounded: 'This cost me $129.' Michael, walking away: 'Ass.'

Michael:Michael to a woman in a dress: 'Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.'

Michael:Michael tells the accountant to 'find a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand' in the numbers, then: 'Pretend that your jobs depend on it.'

Michael:Michael suggests the Dorothy costume would be better as 'Bend It Like Beckham' — 'the Indian girl who plays soccer' — then when she hesitates, defends himself: 'Well, I don't really have two heads, so'

Michael · Ryan · Dwight:Ryan's budget analysis finds one department with three people doing two people's work; Michael excitedly says 'Who do you think it should be?' Ryan: 'Jim.' Michael: 'No, Jim brings in money.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.'

Michael:Someone suggests 'one of the warehouse guys' and Michael has a revelation he never considered that option

Michael · Dwight · Ryan:Dwight begging not to be fired while Michael and others debate it in front of him — the escalating crosstalk of 'Not Dwight / I'm not saying that's what he said / I know that's what he said'

Michael:Michael answering the phone: 'Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's reference call for Dwight: promises the potential employer that if Dwight doesn't 'meet, nay, exceed, every one of your wildest expectations' Michael will hold himself 'personally and financially responsible'

Michael:After the intense reference call, Michael's verbal tic collapses: 'Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'Stanley, could you come with me, please.' / Stanley: 'No.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks how Dwight's firing of Stanley went; Dwight: 'He wouldn't listen to me.' Michael: 'If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.' Michael: 'I don't wanna fire Stanley, I never said that.'

Michael:Michael: 'Get those big, baleful eyes staring at me. Yikes.' — his stated reason for not wanting to fire Stanley in person

Michael · Jim:Jim tells Michael about the Cumberland Mills offer; Michael: 'Fantastic.' Jim: 'And I turned it down.' Michael: 'WHAT? That would've solved all my problems.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Oh, you idiot.' Dwight: 'If you left I wouldn't have to fire anybody.' Jim: 'But then you wouldn't have me here.' Michael: 'Big deal, oh!'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Can you call 'em?' Dwight: 'I can't, I suppose I could, no. They never really made me an offer anyway.' Michael: 'Why are you torturing me?'

Michael · Creed:Michael asks Creed to role-play the firing: 'I want you to fire me, and I will take it. I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.'

Michael · Creed:During the role-play: Creed-as-Michael says 'I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!' Michael: 'That's an overreaction.'

Michael · Creed:During the role-play, Creed stays in character threatening to kill Michael while Michael's phone rings: 'I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth...' — Creed continues threatening him as Michael tries to answer the phone

Michael · Creed:Michael calls Creed into his office and tells him how 'great' and 'ambitious' he is and that he wants to 'spread his wings and fly the coop'; Creed: 'What are you telling me?'

Michael · Creed:Michael tries to fire Creed by framing it as Creed's own desire to grow: 'I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer.'

Michael · Creed:Creed: 'No, I wanna stay right here.' Michael: 'No, you wanna leave.' Creed: 'No, I wanna stay here.' Michael: 'Why, why are you making this so hard?'

Michael · Creed:Creed: 'Let's fight it. Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.' Michael: 'What old days? What are you talking about?'

Michael · Creed:Creed: 'Undo it!' Michael: 'I can't change anything.' Creed: 'No, you have the power to undo it.' — Creed physically pushing the paper away

Creed · Michael:Creed successfully convinces Michael to fire Devon instead of him; Creed's exit: 'God bless you. You're a fine man.' / 'Devon's terrible. No one's gonna miss him.'

Michael · Devon:Devon to Michael: 'That's why I'm being fired? So you might not look like an idiot?' Michael: 'No. It was all the stuff I said. Business downturn, the cutbacks...' Devon: 'This is unbelievable.'

Michael · Devon:Michael's severance gift to Devon: a Chili's gift certificate 'from me' — 'No hard feelings'

Michael:Michael, watching Devon leave: 'What about the Halloween party?'

Michael:Michael's costume history talking-head: 'Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical.'

Michael:Michael's costume escalation: 'The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky. And I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky.'

Michael:Michael's costume history: 'And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny.'

Michael:Michael at the door with trick-or-treaters: 'You guys are getting all of these.' — giving away the entire candy bowl

Michael · Kevin:Michael tells Kevin to wash his hands — completely out of nowhere, mid-scene

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'I call it the perfect storm.' — referring to expense reports, time cards, and purchase orders all falling on the same Friday

Michael:Michael singing to himself: 'I don't wanna work / I just wanna bang on this mug all day'

Michael · Ryan:Michael describing the emergency contact update as a 'top-secret mission'; Ryan responds flatly: 'Why is that secret?' Michael: 'Hello. Oh, God. Busywork. Oh, get away, cretin.'

Michael:Michael: 'Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-MS-ing. That's pretty good.'

Michael:Michael's tornado scenario: 'What if there's a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble? Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't, because we don't have any emergency contact information, because Pam said it wasn't a priority.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'That's the problem with being a boss, is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you. Catch-22.' Ryan: 'Catch-22. Yes.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael calls Ryan's cell phone doing a Michael Jackson impression: 'This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.' Ryan corrects him: 'You mean Neverland?' Michael: 'This is Tito.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan is palm-reading Michael: 'You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?' Michael: 'I am just following the website.'

Michael · Kevin · Ryan:Kevin's emergency contact is 'Stacey' — and Michael calls the number doing a Mike Tyson impression: 'Hello? This is Mike Tyson.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head about his tattoo: 'So that everyone can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.' He then shows the tattoo design: 'Michael' in cursive, 'Scott' all caps — 'Left brain, right brain, or duality of man.'

Michael:Michael shows his tattoo: 'The Michael is all cursive, Scott all caps. Left brain, right brain, or duality of man.'

Michael:Michael's list of people he could beat up — specifically: 'Roy. Warehouse guy, doesn't count.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'I've beat up black belts.' Jim: 'And how did you know they were black belts?' Michael: 'They told me after.'

Michael:Michael: 'I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out.' The gang is revealed to be called 'The Damn Rascals.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, right?' Jim: 'You're a Jet?'

Michael · Jim:Jim asks if Michael has signed expense reports. Michael: 'Yes, in theory I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael puts Dwight in a sleeper hold from behind: 'Sleeper hold! Bedtime for Bonzo.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head about family toughness: 'My maternal grandfather...killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.'

Pam · Michael:Pam asks Michael if Dwight can walk her to her car because she might have to stay late

Michael · Pam:Michael: 'Pam, I hate to break this to you, but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.' Pam: 'He's a purple belt, that's really high.' Michael: 'Oh, God, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I can murder him.'

Michael · Dwight · Kelly:Michael approaches Dwight in the kitchen, then says: 'Good. Wow, that's actually pretty cool, Dwight. Excellent. Now, watch. Let me take you from behind.' Kelly: 'What?' Michael: 'Watch out, Kelly, he might sucker punch you.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'I didn't sucker punch you, Michael. In case you'd remember, I was defending my honor.' Michael: 'Oh, is that it? Like a samurai.'

Michael:Michael: 'The offer, Dwight, was for one punch, which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.'

Michael:Michael: 'Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches. Me punching you and you hitting the floor.'

Michael · Toby:Toby tries to interrupt the fight planning: 'Any word on those time cards?' Michael: 'I have an idea. Why don't you leave right now? Why don't you walk away from the room, okay?' Toby leaves quietly.

Michael · Dwight:Michael looks at Japanese writing on the dojo wall: 'I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.' Dwight: 'No, it's not.' Michael: 'I think it is, a guy told me about that.' Dwight: 'Actually it's a symbol for eternal discipline.'

Michael:Michael explains the fight rules: '...after a clean strike to the chest, stomach or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point.' Then: 'Lot of rules, lot of rules. On the street, we didn't have any rules. Maybe one. No kicks to the groin, home for dinner.'

Dwight · Michael:Michael awards a point to Dwight — Dwight screams 'Eat it!' and does a victory gesture at Michael

Michael · Dwight:Dwight scores the first point: 'Dwight, one point.' / Michael: 'No way! Okay!' / 'Eat it!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael tries to pull down Dwight's pants as a fight move: 'I got his pants. That was my pants.' 'No points for pants.'

Michael · Dwight · Sensei:The fight devolves into chaos: Dwight puts something over Michael's head, Michael screams 'I win! I win!' while being restrained, Dwight screams 'Eight points, nine points' while the sensei yells 'Break!'

Michael · Jim:Michael does a Raging Bull pose for the camera: 'You talking to me?' Jim: 'Raging Bull. Pacino.' Michael: 'Oh, I want that footage, I want it. I need it.'

Michael · Jim:Michael and Jim spot Ryan eating lunch by his car and Michael says: 'Let us play with him. This is going to be hilarious.'

Michael · Jim:Michael calls Ryan's phone: 'Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.' Then: 'Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael's emergency contact is Todd Packer. He reveals: 'Todd F. Packer. Know what the F stands for?' Ryan: 'Fudge?' Michael: 'Yeah.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head: 'He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon.'

Michael · Dwight · Toby:Michael and Dwight in the office, late — Dwight: 'Michael, did you finish yet?' Michael: 'This close.' Dwight: 'Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday?' Toby: 'We wanna go home.' Michael: 'Well, you don't even have anybody to go home to, Toby, so...'

Michael:Michael: 'If everyone would just chip in a little bit, it might help me out. What do you say? Let's gang-bang this thing and go home.'

Michael:Michael: 'Let's gang-bang this thing and go home.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael promotes Dwight from 'Assistant to the Regional Manager' to 'Assistant Regional Manager.' Dwight immediately assumes he gets Michael's office. Michael: 'No, no. Title change only.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'Thank you, Sensei.' Michael: 'And, ditto.'

Michael:Michael's final talking-head: 'I told Dwight that there is honor in losing, which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous. But there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better, which is what I just did for Dwight.'

Michael:Michael's final talking-head: 'Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me, and I think I proved that today at the dojo.'

Michael · Unknown:The episode ends with someone shouting 'Typewriter torture! Sensei!' while Michael is apparently being subject to typewriter torture

Michael:Wow, graphs and charts. Somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.

Michael · Jan:Oh, I changed it to Chili's. / Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine said that. It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.

Michael · Jan:Mm-hmm. Power trip. What?

Michael · Dwight:Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan. Thank you. Kiss ass.

Michael:Burning the midnight tequila.

Michael · Jan:Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here. Not more... the same amount of work... is done whether I am here or not.

Michael:You sit tight until I return, sound good? Doesn't matter. It's an order. Follow it blindly. Mm-ha-ha!

Michael:Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train, and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.

Michael · Jan:We should come up with a signal of some sort. Why would we need a signal? Well, in case one of us gets into trouble... What kind of trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?

Michael · Jan · Christian:Just Jan Levinson. No Gould? No. / Is Gould dead? / We got divorced, okay? / Wow, you're kidding me. Do you wanna talk about it?

Jan · Michael:We got divorced, okay? / I'm so sorry, excuse me. Wow, you're kidding me. Do you wanna talk about it?

Michael · Jan · Christian · server:Awesome Blossom? I think we should share an Awesome Blossom. What do you say? They are awesome. Extra awesome?

Michael · Jan · Christian:Hey, I heard a very very funny joke the other day. You wanna hear it? / Just the one. / Well, if it's just gonna be one... I will think of a different joke.

Michael · Pam:Okay, um, a fisherman is walking down 5th Avenue leading an animal behind him. Nope! Nope, hold it. Not as good as you think.

Michael · Pam:There's a transcript between a Naval ship and a lighthouse. Yes, that is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?

Michael:Nope! Nope, hold it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.

Michael · Pam · Christian:The proctologist brown Probe joke — 'First guy: I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn. Second guy: I'm a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort. Third guy: I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe.'

Michael:Oh, my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!

Michael:Blah! Blah blah blah. Blu bad be bah. That's why I wanted a signal between us. So I wouldn't have to just shout nonsense words. That's her fault.

Michael · Jan · Christian:Did somebody say baby back ribs? Hmm? Hmm? / I don't think Christian has time for that, Michael. / I have time.

Michael:Well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or dare. Tell us about your divorce.

Michael:Gould was stupid, right? That's right. / You were really brave. I mean, you put your arms out there. You slit your wrist. You said, 'World, this is my blood, it's red. Just like yours, so love me.'

Christian · Michael:Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County. And I do not intend on moving... Here's the thing about those discount suppliers, they don't care... Once we're all gone, they jack up the prices. / I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me halfway.

Michael · Jan · Christian:Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but you think we could, Jan? [implied signal] / So, I guess I'll see you in...

Michael · Jan:Yes! We did it. We got it! Nailed it, nailed it! Come here. / Let's go. / What? Let's go. / Go and... okay. Where are we going? / Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go-go.

Michael:No, nothing happened. I swear! Nothing happened. What... I'm totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell. And neither do I. I'm... No, seriously, guys, I'm not... I don't wanna go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel, and we made out for a little while.

Dwight · Michael:Hello, Dwight. Did you do her? Who? Jan Levinson-Gould. Uh, no, no, no Gould.

Dwight · Michael:Did you do her? / This is none of your affair. / Because she is your boss. And she is your boss. And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman.

Michael · Jan (on phone):I don't think I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. Jan, I defend your honor. / Is that all?

Michael:I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question, do I do it as the man, does she do it as my superior? That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship.

Michael:I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question, do I do it as the man, does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship.

Michael:Just talking about you. The camera. No.

Michael · Jan (on phone):Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. / No. / I did not intentionally get you drunk.

Michael · Jan (on phone):This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. / You wanna see other people. Only other people.

Michael:This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have.

Michael · Dwight:Michael on a fitness orb in the office trying to get Dwight to buy one

Michael · Dwight:"More enjoyable sex. You are not having sex."

Michael:Michael drops the fitness orb item and says "See, I would've caught that" after claiming it improves reflexes

Michael:Michael's talking head: "The lovely Jan Levinson-Gould. Well, no Gould. The Gould has been... Divorce."

Michael:"The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, rugged good-looking office manager."

Michael:"We both didn't, I didn't want, we both didn't want it to continue."

Michael · Jim:Michael insists "I guess I missed you" means Jan is romantically conflicted; Jim says it literally means she missed him and he won't be happy with the interpretation

Michael · Jim:Michael forces a more favorable interpretation — "she's conflicted, she has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings for you" — and when Jim gives him this, he immediately loves it

Pam · Michael:Pam's interpretation: Jan is conflicted, fighting feelings, being professional. / Why would I not like that?

Michael:Michael: "Alright, let's listen to that again." — playing the voicemail for a third time to re-examine the pause after 'I guess I missed you'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley explains that women say more in pauses than in words. Michael: "Stanley, that's freakin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets?"

Michael · Angela:Michael immediately dismisses Angela's performance review with "Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year." the moment Jan calls, then runs to the phone

Michael · Jan:Michael on the phone with Jan keeps referring to their romantic moment as happening "in the parking lot of the Chili's"

Michael · Jan:Jan tells Michael to exhibit completely professional behavior. Michael immediately responds: "I'm thinking about you."

Michael · Jan:Jan asks Michael on the phone if the cameras are in his office. Michael says no. Cut to: the cameras are clearly in his office.

Michael · Pam:Michael asks Pam if there's any chance she wrote down any of his ideas, "in a folder, like an idea folder?" — he has no ideas to present to Jan

Michael:The suggestion box hasn't been opened since Y2K — "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?" is the first suggestion read

Michael · Kelly:Michael to Kelly after she corrects him: 'Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment. So maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions.'

Michael · Jan:Michael holds the door for Jan, says 'Apres vous,' Jan thanks him, he responds 'Nice to see you.' Jan: 'Nice to see you too, Michael.' Michael: 'Really?' Jan: 'Not like that.'

Michael · Pam:Pam tells Michael: 'You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.' Michael: 'I did not, not use those words.'

Michael · Toby:Toby: "I thought you read these every week?" Michael: "Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box."

Michael:"We need a better outreach for employees fighting depression." Michael: "Okay, alright, enough with the jokes."

Michael:"Who wrote it? Tom? Then it is a joke, because there is nobody in here named Tom." — Tom worked in accounting until about a year ago.

Michael:Michael's beat pause, then: "Oh, that guy. That guy was weird."

Michael:"You need to do something about your B.O." — Michael reads it, then repeats it, then argues it's a personal suggestion not an office suggestion, and says "Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody."

Michael · Toby · Creed:Toby: "Aren't the suggestions meant for you?" Michael: "Well, Toby. If by me you are inferring that I have B.O..." Then Creed: "Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring."

Toby · Michael · Creed:Aren't the suggestions meant for you? / Well, Toby. If by me you are inferring that I have B.O... / Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.

Michael:Michael's extended speech about B.O. on the elevator while saying "Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will"

Michael · Multiple Employees:"You need to do something about your coffee breath." Multiple voices start repeating it, Michael shouts "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Michael:Somebody put a piece of gum in the suggestion box. "This is not a garbage can. This is the future of our company."

Michael · Dwight:Michael accidentally asks who wants to come in on Saturday — then immediately realizes Dwight is in the room and it might expose the prank

Michael:"Don't sl—" [Michael reads and stops] "Don't sleep with your boss?"

Michael · Dwight:Dwight arrives for his performance review. Michael: "Your performance has been adequate. You may leave. Goodbye."

Dwight · Michael · Jan:Dwight's case for a raise: "Let me bring up one word. Dedication." — followed by a pause — "I have never been late." / "I come in on holidays." Jan: "You do? How do you get in?" Dwight: "I have a copy of your key." Michael: "That's a serious offense." Jan: "That is a serious offense."

Jan · Michael:Jan's revelation that the deer jerky Dwight brought in was deer: "That was deer? Gross."

Dwight · Michael · Jan:Dwight's closing argument for his raise quotes Lex Luthor: '"Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."' Michael: 'That's from Superman?' Dwight: 'Smallville.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight concludes his raise argument: 'And in conclusion, I think Lex Luthor said it best when he said, Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of.' Michael: 'That's from Superman?' Dwight: 'Smallville.' Pause. 'And that is why I feel I deserve this raise.'

Michael · Jan:Michael chases Jan to her car begging for closure: "Never as in never, ever, ever? Or never as in there's no chance?" Jan: "Never for me always means never, ever, ever."

Jan · Michael:Jan: "You cried with me and I appreciate that." Michael: "No, I wasn't, I wasn't crying."

Michael:Michael's talking head after Jan's rejection: "Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed. I'm good. I can go home now."

Michael:Michael's final talking head coda: "So my looks have nothing to do with it." — said with enormous relief

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Final scene: Michael checks his watch and notices Dwight is absent. "Never missed a day my ass." — then Dwight bursts in at 20:55: "I'm here! I'm here! It's okay!"

Michael:Michael's panicked 'Oh my God!' followed by locking doors, turning off lights, and telling everyone to pretend they're not there — all because the IT guy is arriving

Michael · Employee:Employee: 'Are we in danger?' Michael: 'There's no time to think about it. This is real. Just shh.'

Michael · IT Tech:IT tech explains that password protection 'just means you have to enter your password.' Michael's password is revealed to be '1, 2, 3, 4.'

Michael · IT Tech:Michael blurts his password out loud in front of the IT tech, then immediately says 'Sorry' as the tech says 'Please don't do that'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight catalogues all the ways Michael could suddenly die: brain aneurysm, car, bus, train, poison, falling down a well, stepping on a mine, choking

Michael:Michael: 'If I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania and die, you can have my job, okay?'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary. That would depress them. His bed. It... And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.'

Michael · IT Tech:Michael instructs the IT tech to search emails by keyword 'profits,' then suggests 'Michael Scott,' then 'Michael, boss, and funny'

Michael · Stanley:Michael reads Stanley's email aloud: 'My boss, Michael is an ass and making me stay late.' Then declares: 'Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar confronts Michael about email surveillance; Michael responds: 'Oh, no. Everybody, Oscar's gone crazy.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael does an extended 'robot' bit ('I will destroy everything in my path') in response to Oscar asking if Michael thinks he's a robot

Michael:Michael: 'When people hear the term Big Brother, they immediately think it's scary or bad. But I don't. I think, Wow. I love my Big Brother.'

Michael:Michael's camera cut to: 'I gotta erase a lot of stuff. A LOT of stuff.'

Michael:Michael tells employees to delete 'sensitive' emails immediately — immediately after the previous confessional about his own sensitive emails

Michael:Michael discovers Jim's barbecue e-vite in Meredith's email — and scrolls through the guest list finding everyone in the office except himself

Michael:'Must be...' [pause] 'No.' — Michael's visible realization he wasn't invited

Michael · Angela:Michael approaches Angela and awkwardly probes about Jim's party under the guise of asking if she's 'bringing anyone'

Michael:Michael confessional: 'There's always a distance between a boss and employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation, mostly. It's the awareness that they are not me.' — immediately followed by — 'I do think that I am very approachable as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.'

Michael:Michael joins the lunch group: 'Hanging with my crew. Crew that I am one of. Hanging with my Cup of Noodles.'

Michael:Michael claims professors were the most fun at college parties and that 'we always invited them'

Michael · Pam:Michael approaches Pam and asks if she wants to hang out tonight, she declines, he immediately says 'Yeah, I do too, I do too' — pretending he also had plans

Michael:Michael about improv class: 'I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.'

Michael · Pam · Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Michael works through the office trying to find someone — ANYONE — to spend Friday night with: Pam (no), Oscar (on a call), Kevin (Alaska Film Festival with brother), Angela (Charity Bake Drive)

Michael · Angela:Michael to Angela: 'Rushy, rushy. Where you rushing off to?' Angela: 'Charity Bake Drive.' Michael: 'LIAR! You are a liar!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael turns to Dwight as last resort: 'Dwight. Oh, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hanging tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael offers to watch 'Battleship Galaxy' — Dwight corrects him: 'Battlestar Galactica.' Michael: 'That's, whatever stupid show you want to watch, we're watching it.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight declines Michael's invitation: 'I've got plans. I have to go to practice.' Michael: 'Soccer practice?' Dwight: 'Clarinet.' Michael: 'You too, Dwight?'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'Unfortunately I've got plans. I have to go to practice.' / Michael: 'I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.' / Dwight: 'Clarinet.'

Michael:Michael at improv class: 'Detective Michael Scarn, I'm with the F.B.I.' — Michael has given himself a fully developed character with a name before the scene even starts

Michael:Michael's improv theory: 'What is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it. You just can't.'

Michael:Michael's improv scene: 'I'm supposed to meet my doctor here. Have you seen him? He's a very angry midget.' then immediately: 'Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, F.B.I. You know what you did.'

Michael · Improv Instructor · Improv Participant:Person in improv scene: 'I'm not even in the scene.' Michael: 'Stop, stop! Stop.' Instructor: 'You shot me.' Michael: 'You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.'

Michael · Improv Instructor:Instructor tells Michael 'I want you to give me all the guns you have' — Michael hands over multiple guns

Jim · Pam · Michael:Michael wanders into Jim's bedroom during the tour and ends up at Jim's desk; Pam sits in Jim's chair

Michael:Improv scene: someone yells 'Freeze!' and Michael immediately responds 'I'm in.' without waiting to understand the scene

Michael:Someone shouts 'Freeze!' during improv — Michael immediately: 'I'm in.' — then the teacher asks if he wants to review rules. Michael: 'No, no, no.'

Improv Participant · Michael:Improv scene: 'I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.' — the setup for a fortune-telling scene interrupted by Michael pulling a gun again

Michael · Improv Instructor · Improv Participant:Improv instructor asks what Michael told a participant; Michael says 'Nothing.' Instructor: 'Then why are his hands up?' Participant: 'He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.'

Michael · Phyllis · Jim · Pam:Phyllis, when Michael asks about secret office romances: 'You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim, right?'

Michael · Party Group:Michael encounters Bernie's Tavern group outside; he believes he has an 'office party' to attend, so he can't join them — but there is no office party

Michael:Michael arrives at Jim's party during karaoke; the song playing is 'I Will Survive' — timed to 'just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore'

Party Guests · Michael · Dwight:Everyone yells 'SURPRISE!' — Michael thinks this is indeed a surprise party for him, completing Dwight's deception and Michael's delusion simultaneously

Michael:Michael: 'I was just driving by. Thought I'd drop in. Here's some wine.'

Michael:Michael to Jim's roommate: 'Hello temp. Take my jacket.' — echoing Dwight's identical greeting earlier

Michael:Michael about Jim's roommate Mark: 'He is a good guy. Not a terrorist.' — unprompted reassurance

Michael:Michael announces he's a 'karaoke fiend,' calls dibs on next, and declares 'Let's get this party started!' — immediately taking over an event he wasn't invited to

Michael · Pam · Kelly:Michael announces the karaoke song is a duet and invites Pam to sing — then invites Kelly when Pam doesn't immediately respond

Michael · Pam:Michael calls Pam up for a karaoke duet — she declines; he calls for anyone ('Takers, please') — no one volunteers

Michael:Michael at the end of improv class cannot complete a single sentence about how he got into improv: 'They way I got into improv was, I got into improv, The story about me getting into improv was, that I was walking down the street, that I was walking down the street.'

Michael:Michael's improv origin story: 'The guy says, Hey, you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen. Or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.' And that was an improv.

Michael:Michael: 'The real way was that I found a flyer.' — immediate deflation of the Dale Earnhardt story

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight struggling to force an enormous Christmas tree through the office door, with branches breaking and both of them shouting contradictory instructions at each other

Michael:"Don't break the branches, Dwight." — said by Michael while they are actively destroying the tree together

Dwight · Michael:"Ah, I got a splinter." / "Well, suck it up, we all have problems."

Jim · Michael:"Why did you get it so big?" / "A, that's what she said. And B, I wanted it to be impressive."

Michael:"The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?" / "Well, that is a perfectly good mini tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about."

Michael:Michael says "Pimp!" to greet someone, immediately followed by "I'm kidding."

Michael:Michael announces he got a $3,000 bonus for firing someone and is spending it all on the party — "I guess some good came out of firing Devin after all."

Michael:"Maybe I should call him, tell him that." — Michael, considering whether to call the fired employee to inform him his firing produced good outcomes

Michael:"I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lampshades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party."

Michael:Michael announces his digital camera incentive — best/craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter

Toby · Michael:"You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party." / "Yeah, I know. Dammit. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody."

Dwight · Michael:Dwight wants to be Santa; Michael refuses. Dwight: "I would like to be the elf." Michael: "That makes sense, because he has elfish features."

Michael:Michael's gift-wrapping ultimatum: 'you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions. Except Michael.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael insists on handling the power cord himself for "safety reasons," preventing Stanley from simply plugging in the tree lights

Michael:Michael's countdown to light the tree "like Rockefeller Center" — tree lights disappoint, eliciting "Not great. Sorry everybody."

Michael:"Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say: 'Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.'"

Ryan · Michael:Ryan opens his Secret Santa gift to reveal a video iPod — a $400 gift when the limit was $20

Michael:"Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas." — Toby or narrator-style; Michael immediately: "It was me. I got carried away with the spirit."

Jim · Michael:"This is 400 bucks." / "You don't know that." / "Yeah, you left the price tag on." / "I did, what? Oh, shoot. Wow."

Michael · Phyllis:Michael receives a hand-knitted oven mitt from Phyllis and interprets it as a calibrated measure of how much she values him: "I gave Ryan an iPod."

Michael:Michael's solution to the oven mitt humiliation: convert Secret Santa into Yankee Swap, announced with manic confidence

Michael · Other Employees:Characters arguing about what Yankee Swap is called: "I thought that was called nasty Christmas." / "Yeah, we call it White Elephant." / "Well, I call it fun!"

Michael:Michael: "Like the oven mitt." — suggesting the oven mitt as a desirable gift to steal in Yankee Swap, using reverse psychology

Michael:'Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.'

Michael:Michael's "reverse psychology" confessional about wanting Meredith to take the oven mitt — he explains reverse psychology while making it clear he doesn't understand how it works

Michael · Pam:Pam steals the iPod; Michael desperately suggests she take the teapot instead: "Sure you don't want the teapot? I mean, it's an iPod." / "Right." / "Sorry."

Michael:"Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas."

Michael:Michael reveals his bonus was $3,000 mid-argument — "It wasn't...It wasn't that much. It was 3,000."

Michael:"Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for these people. And they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame."

Michael:Michael at the liquor store: "Is this enough to get 20 people plastered? Fifteen bottles of vodka?" — asking a store clerk for expert advice on mass intoxication

Michael:Michael arrives at the party with bags of vodka — "Looks like Santa was a little naughty."

Michael:"What is that?" / "This is Christmas spirit. As in spirits. Booze."

Michael · Toby:"Zip it, Toby. Just, I mean, it's a party, come on." — Michael silencing Toby's compliance concern

Michael:"If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss." — Michael's self-assessment as justification for serving illegal-at-work alcohol

Michael:"Anybody making out in here? Not yet, give it time." — Michael checking in on a room

Michael:"Anybody making out in here? Not yet, give it time." — Michael checking in on the party

Michael · Ryan:"Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee!" / "Oh, no, I REALLY did not do anything."

Todd Packer · Michael:Todd Packer bursting in: 'Merry Christmas asswipe!' / Michael: 'No way! Oh, you're kidding me. Packer!'

Michael · Todd Packer:Todd Packer arrives crashing the party — Michael's immediate, disproportionate joy: "Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!"

Todd Packer · Michael:"Pac man need a drinky." — Packer in baby voice; Michael: "Toby's gonna fix you up."

Michael:"Lampshade on the head! It's happening!" — Michael's ecstatic announcement

Michael:Michael's Christmas philosophy confessional: "First, you get to spend time with people you love. Second, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day."

Michael:Michael's mysterious memo instructed employees to bring 'a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes and a ski mask'

Michael · Stanley:Michael sings the 'banana-fana' name song to Stanley while Stanley is trying to ask a serious question

Michael:The big reveal of the 'camaraderie event' destination is a booze cruise on a lake — in January

Michael · Ryan:Ryan asks to skip the mandatory booze cruise to study for a business school exam; Michael says 'You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan. I'm already in business school.'

Michael · Employee:The bathing suit argument: Michael told them to bring a swimsuit 'to throw you off the scent,' employee already removed the tags, Michael refuses to pay for it

Kevin · Michael:The bathing suit complaint: 'I took the tags off.' / 'Well, that's not my fault.'

Michael:'I know what you're all thinking: Who is this smart little cookie? Her name is Brenda something, and she is from Corporate.'

Michael:Michael attended a Tony Robbins event 'by the airport' — not the actual course, because you have to pay for that, just the promotional event about the course

Michael:'Leader... ship. The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership as its derivation. So if this office is in fact a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork!'

Michael · Darryl:Michael proposes the sales department are 'the furnace' of the ship; Darryl asks 'A furnace? How old is this ship?'

Michael:Michael defends the furnace metaphor: 'They're shoveling coal into the furnace... singing their ethnic songs... Actually, that might be warehouse.'

Michael · Darryl:The Titanic argument: Darryl says 'everyone in the engine room drowned.' Michael: 'No. Thank you, spoiler alert.'

Michael:Michael assigns Gilligan's Island characters: Pam is Mary Ann, Angela is Mrs. Howell/Lovey, and someone is 'one of the Globetrotters'

Michael · Dwight:Michael assigns Dwight the role of Gilligan; Dwight says 'Cool!' — then immediately reverses when told Gilligan is not the captain

Michael · Captain Jack:Michael argues with the actual ship captain about who outranks whom: 'On a boat, who knows? It's nebulous.'

Michael:Michael shouts 'I'm king of the world!' from the bow of the boat

Captain Jack · Michael:During the safety briefing, Captain Jack says exits are 'anywhere over the side.' Michael interrupts to undercut every safety instruction.

Captain Jack · Michael:'I am not only your ship's captain, I am also your party captain!' / 'And I'm your party captain, too!'

Michael:Michael starts performing the cheerleader chant from Roy's ex-rival school with full spirit and commitment: 'A-W-E-S-O-M-E, awesome awesome is what we are'

Michael:'Not like you New Yorkers!' — Michael says this to the Corporate observer Brenda who has given no indication she's from New York

Michael · Captain Jack:Michael's life preserver analogy: 'One important life preserver in business is IT support.' Immediately interrupted: 'Not now Mike, we're doing the limbo!'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight volunteers to hold the limbo stick, insisting 'I'm stronger' when Michael suggests it's usually a woman

Michael · Dwight:Michael rewards Dwight by letting him 'steer the ship' — which turns out to be a fake wheel. Dwight steers for an hour.

Michael:Michael's talking-head: 'Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.'

Michael:Michael doing an aggressively bad dance to 'What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor' while employees watch

Michael:The 'Snorkel shot' sequence — Michael leading a crowd in chanting 'Snorkel shot!' while pushing people to do shots through a snorkel

Michael · Employee · Michael:'If the boat is sinking, what do you save?' / 'Women and children.' / 'No, no — salesmen and profit centers.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'That's a stupid analogy.' Michael: 'Well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.'

Captain Jack · Michael:It's revealed Captain Jack was a PC-1 Cyclone coastal patrol boat captain during Desert Storm; Michael: 'Wow, you should be the motivational speaker.'

Jim · Michael · Darryl:Jim's answer to 'who would you save if the office is on fire?': 'The customer, because the customer is king.' Michael: 'Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.' Darryl: 'He's just sucking up.'

Michael:Michael: 'You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.' — delivered after the Navy captain says he'd save his wife

Michael:Michael offers to marry Roy and Pam right now as 'captain of the ship,' then as 'Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin'

Michael:Michael's 'The ship is sinking' speech — he announces a fake emergency to force his leadership seminar through: 'We're going down right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that.'

Michael:Michael announces to the whole party that 'the ship is sinking' as a business scenario; someone panics and jumps overboard

Michael:Michael, from the brig confessional: 'The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised.'

Michael:Michael on the man who jumped overboard: 'If he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.'

Jim · Michael:'What happened to you?' / 'Captain Jack has a problem with authority.' / 'Right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking?' / 'Yeah. He just totally lost it.' / 'If you ask me, he caused the panic.'

Michael · Jim:Michael's all-purpose consolation: 'Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.' / 'She was always engaged. Roy said the first one didn't count.'

Jim · Michael:Jim confessional: 'You know, to tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...' Michael: 'Really? You're kidding me.' / 'You and Pam? Wow!' / 'I would have never put you two together. You really hid it well. God!'

Jim · Michael:Jim's confession to Michael: 'I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'You know I made out with Jan.' Jim: 'Yeah, I know.' Michael: 'Yeah, yeah.'

Michael:Michael: 'Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.' / 'She's engaged. BFD. Engaged ain't married.' / 'Never, ever, ever give up.'

Michael:Michael: 'Never, ever, ever give up.'

Michael · Pam:Michael's urgent distress call opens to reveal he burned his foot on a Foreman grill

Michael:Michael's bedtime bacon ritual: he lays strips on the grill before sleep, then wakes up to plug it in, goes back to sleep, then wakes to smell of bacon

Michael · Kevin:Michael tries hopping and bumps his elbow, now reporting a 'protruberence' on his elbow as an additional injury

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight volunteers to rescue Michael despite Michael explicitly not wanting him

Michael:Michael calls back after all this, still hoping for a non-Dwight rescuer: 'Please don't send Dwight.'

Michael:Michael arrives at the office on a wheelchair/crutches, commanding everyone 'Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out.'

Pam · Michael:Pam didn't mention to corporate that Michael 'cooked his foot' — and Michael corrects 'burned, Pam'

Michael:'Your job is being my friend, Pam.'

Michael · Pam:Michael: 'I just want you to treat me like you would a family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma.' Pam: 'Do you want some aspirin? Because you seem a little fussy.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.' — for a Foreman grill burn

Michael · Dwight:Michael demands specific food: dark meat rotisserie chicken, yams from the Stroudsburg location specifically, and is outraged the gas station didn't have them

Michael · Pam:Michael asks Pam to rub butter on his foot — he has Country Crock

Michael:Michael on the phone with his mom: 'No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry. Drive down here and make a big thing.'

Michael:Michael: 'It was mutual.' — about his fake breakup with Jan

Michael:Implied visual/physical gag: 'Hey, cut...' — something happens with the camera/documentary crew that Michael addresses

Michael · Jim:Michael falls off the toilet and gets wedged between the toilet and wall

Michael · Jim:'Not you. Someone else. Get Pam.' / 'I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room.'

Michael · Jim:Michael demands Ryan 'clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.' Jim: 'Ryan is...dead.' Michael: 'No he's not.' Jim: 'Dead.'

Jim · Michael:Jim tells Michael that Ryan is 'dead.' Michael: 'No he's not.' Jim: 'Dead.' Michael: 'I just saw him.' Jim: 'He's...'

Michael · Oscar · Stanley:Michael's disability meeting: 'Do you know what it's like to be disabled?' then attempts to name people in the room with 'real' disabilities

Michael · Creed:An older employee (likely Creed) says 'When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.' Michael responds: 'What... how old are you?'

Michael:'Although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley: 'I'm not disabled, and neither are you.' Michael: 'What does this look like to you, Stanley?' Stanley: 'Mail Boxes, Etc.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'What does this look like to you, Stanley?' [gestures to foot] Stanley: 'Mail Boxes, Etc.'

Michael:Michael: 'Shut...it.' to Stanley after 'Mail Boxes, Etc.'

Michael · office staff:'Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.' / 'Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder.'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Michael's disability awareness poster wall includes Tom Hanks — twice — from different movies

Michael · Stanley:Stanley doing a crossword puzzle during the meeting. Michael: 'A crossword puzzle Stanley? Seriously, are you learning nothing here?'

Billy · Michael:Billy the wheelchair user arrives and immediately reveals someone parked in the handicapped space

Michael · Billy:Michael to Billy in wheelchair: 'You are so brave.'

Michael · Billy:Michael asks Billy how long it takes him to brush his teeth. Billy: 'About 30 seconds.' Michael: 'Oh, my God. That's three times as long as it takes me.'

Michael · Billy:Michael asks Billy: 'How did you get in your wheelchair? This morning?' Billy: 'Just like every other morning. Just climbed on in.'

Michael · Billy · Dwight:Michael repeatedly interrupts Billy's actual property management announcements with raised hands and disability parallels

Billy · Michael:Billy: 'You know what, Michael? Let me stop you right there... and leave.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan finds pudding cups at a gas station in Carbondale — Michael celebrates this as a major achievement

Michael · Ryan:'Did you get the yams?' 'No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.'

Michael:Michael declares his foot healed because of 'Ryan's kindness' and chocolate pudding

Michael:'My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain.'

Michael:'I can feel the blood coursing through my foot veins.'

Jim · Pam · Michael:Nobody wants to take Dwight to the hospital — each person tries to pass responsibility to someone else

Michael:Michael calls shotgun for the hospital van from the hospital gurney/elevator

Michael · Jim:Michael, from the front seat, calls 'Shotgun!' — Jim: 'You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight?'

Michael:'The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout shotgun when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Michael on seeing it's a minivan: 'Oh God, a minivan. What is Meredith's problem? Well, I think she has a kid. Yeah, she has one kid and no husband. She's not going to find one driving this thing around.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight thinks they're going to Chuck E. Cheese and expresses exhaustion with it: 'Oh, God. I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.'

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight finds a bottle under the seat and drinks from it in the van on the way to the hospital

Jim · Dwight · Michael:'Dwight, what is your middle name?' 'Danger.' '...Something with a K.' 'It's Kurt.' 'Wow, I'm so sad that I know that.'

Jim · Michael:The hospital admission form: Jim writes 'bringing someone to the hospital' under reason for visit instead of his own symptoms

Michael · Doctor:Michael to the doctor: 'Doctor, what is more serious — a head injury or a foot injury?' Doctor: 'A head injury.' Michael: 'Well, you don't have all the information.'

Michael · Doctor:Michael argues that his foot 'healed quickly. Very quickly. Actually, like suspiciously quickly.' — advocating for a CAT scan of his foot

Michael · Doctor · Dwight:Doctor: 'Does the skin look red and swollen?' Michael: 'That's what she said.' Doctor's reaction. Michael: 'That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.'

Michael:Michael to Dwight as he's taken away: 'Well, you should have thought of that before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up, so... we'll see you when you get out.'

Jim · Michael:Jim sets up the 'updog' joke on Michael, who walks right into it

Michael:Michael's 'Oh wow, I walked right into that' followed by immediately running to try it on Stanley

Stanley · Michael:Stanley's dead-flat 'I'm on the phone' rebuff when Michael tries the updog prank on him

Michael:Michael: 'Today is spring cleaning day. And yes, I know it's January. I am not an idiot.'

Michael · Meredith:Michael: 'They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an—' Meredith: 'Empty mind.' Michael: 'No, that's not... No. That's not what I was gonna say.'

Michael:Michael assigns Meredith to the men's room — 'Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Oscar, dusting. Where is Oscar?' 'He's out sick.' 'That's unacceptable.' Dwight immediately: 'I agree. It's unacceptable.'

Michael:Michael calls Oscar on speaker: 'On a Friday?' — implying being sick on a Friday is inherently suspicious

Dwight · Michael:Dwight insisting on doing the talking during the Oscar call while also wanting credit for being present: 'Let him know I'm here though' / 'What difference does it make?'

Michael:Michael tells Oscar he could have used 'that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic' — the camera presumably catches the silence that follows

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'He sounded sick — which is exactly how you'd want to sound if you wanted someone to think you were sick.' Dwight: 'That's exactly what I was thinking.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'Question, may I investigate?' Michael: 'Yeah, drop what you're doing. Make this a priority.'

Michael:Talking head where Michael says Jim is his great friend and he intends to keep his secret 'for as long as I possibly can' — implying the window is very short

Michael · Jim:Michael sidles up to Jim at the vending machine: 'See the game last night?' Jim: 'Which game?' Michael: 'Any of 'em.'

Michael · Jim · Stanley:Michael attempts to speak to Jim in 'code' about Pam using the letter P while Stanley is right there — 'P-A-M... P-A?'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Tony the Tiger, you don't hear that much anymore.' Jim: 'Not so much.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight confronts Michael: 'Fact, you are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact, you are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael deflects Dwight's interrogation by making up a fake story about the Oscar investigation — Dwight becomes satisfied and thanks him

Michael · Jim:Michael proposes a picnic in the break room to 'talk about you-know-who' — then Jim immediately capitulates to the more public option of going out to avoid this

Michael:Michael: 'Oh, man. You should order milk. Get it?' at Hooters

Michael:Michael's talking head about why he likes Hooters: 'The boobs and the hot wings.'

Michael:Michael to the Hooters waitress: 'We're not worthy. We're not worthy.'

Michael · Jim:Michael introduces Jim and himself as brothers, Jim immediately denies it, Michael pivots to 'I'm his boss, and I can afford to pay for his lunch'

Michael · Dana:Michael to the Hooters waitress: 'Tell me, Dana, how is your chicken breast?' / 'Oh it's great, served with our world-famous wing sauce.' / 'Sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast. Hold the chicken.'

Michael · Dana:Michael to Dana the waitress: 'Tell me, Dana. How is your chicken breast?' Dana: 'Oh, it's great. It's served with our world-famous wing sauce.' Michael: 'Mm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast. Hold the chicken.'

Michael · Dana:The waitress asks 'Is that what you really want?' — a long pause — and Michael changes his order to a gourmet hotdog

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'What do you like best about Pam? Her legs or boobs?' Jim: 'She's easy to talk to and has a good sense of humor.' Michael: 'Really? She never gets any of my jokes.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'What about you?' [meaning 'what do YOU like about Pam'] — Michael answers: 'Her boobs, definitely.'

Michael · Jim · Dana:The Hooters staff sings Happy Birthday to Jim — Michael announces it behind Jim's back as a surprise, clearly enjoying it more than Jim is

Jim · Michael:Michael asks what Jim and Dana talked about: 'Just, you know, politics. Literature.' / 'I hate you.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight reports his Oscar investigation to Michael; Michael cuts him off: 'Just go to his house and see if he's sick.' Dwight: 'I could've done this investigation in like 20 minutes. Including prep time?'

Michael · Angela:Michael's Hooters wig appears at the office — the reaction of everyone seeing it

Michael:Michael defends the Hooters expense: 'They took my card away because I spent 80 bucks at a magic shop... I put a cigarette through a freaking quarter. And they almost bought from us.'

Michael · Toby:Michael accidentally outs Jim's crush on Pam to Toby while trying to justify the Hooters expense: 'He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged.' Toby: 'Pam?'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin: 'So do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?' Michael: 'You know what, Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine. So the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.'

Michael:Michael: 'The only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.'

Michael · Jim:Michael's emotional scene — he's crying in his office, tells Jim 'I just hope this doesn't affect our friendship!'

Creed · Michael:Michael asks Creed if he organized the menu book. Creed: 'Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.' Michael: 'No, that was mandatory.' Creed: 'Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.'

Michael · Pam:Michael tells Pam that Jim had a crush on her 'on the booze cruise' — revealing the crush is much more recent than Jim led her to believe

Pam · Michael:Pam parsing Michael's vague statement: 'Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise, or he told you about it on the booze cruise.' Michael can't answer this. He's caught.

Michael:Michael's final confessional: 'People are always coming to me: Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust. No, thanks — keeping a secret can only lead to trouble.'

Michael:Michael's Cinemax movie reference: 'Portrait of a Prostitute. Something... Secrets of a... More Secrets of a Call Girl.'

Michael:Michael concludes: 'And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. Goes on the run, and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't... I don't wanna live like that. I like it here. I don't wanna be Shila. I like being Michael Scott.'

Michael:Michael: 'I don't wanna be Shila. I like being Michael Scott.'

Michael · Pam:Michael greets Pam with: 'Spamster!' — Pam explains: 'Pam, plus Spam, plus... Hamster. Right.'

Michael · Pam:Michael to Pam: 'Did you get lucky? Boink.'

Michael:Michael talking head: 'I get 10 vacation days a year and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible. And this year I got to the third week in January.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:The discovery of something horrible in Michael's office: 'Whoa! God! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! What? Yuck! Wow, what happened in there?' ... 'How could that happen? How could... Right in the middle of the carpet.'

Michael · Dwight:After the cleaning lady scrubs the stain: 'It's still stinky. That is worse. She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.'

Michael:Michael talking head: 'I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually. So this is sort of like my audition tape.'

Michael:Michael waxes nostalgic about his old seat: 'The pressures of my office are insane. I just... You couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it easy out here.'

Michael:Michael's anecdote about Ed Truck: 'He hated fun. It was like, Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us, so stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.'

Michael:Michael: 'I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.'

Michael · unnamed employee:Michael's nostalgia is interrupted mid-sentence by a random employee monologue about closet doors and clothes piles, cutting him off completely

Michael · Jim:Todd Packer's desk history: Jim and Michael discuss that Packer used to sit in the bullpen; Michael's face lights up

Michael:Michael talking head: 'When I was in training, many years ago, not so long ago...'

Michael:Michael: 'Packer and I once spent a whole day with our pants off. And when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.'

Michael:Michael talking head: 'Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like, a minute. The guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael gives Dwight a charley horse; Dwight: 'You shouldn't have hit me, Michael.' Michael: 'Okay.'

Michael:Michael: 'Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. It was hysterical.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael initiates 'Sales on Accounting' raid: 'Let's send up Accounting. Old-fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting.' He and Dwight sweep into Accounting and knock things off desks.

Michael · Dwight:The raid on Accounting plays out: Michael and Dwight storm the area knocking things over, yelling 'Sales rules! Yes! Yeah!'

Michael · Pam:After the raid, Michael warns Pam: 'Watch out, Pam. You're next.' Pam: 'You're gonna throw my things on the ground?' Michael: 'Maybe.'

Michael:Michael talking head: 'What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it. It makes sense. But it was still wrong.'

Michael:Michael: 'Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.'

Michael:Michael: 'I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.'

Michael:Michael announces a $100 sales contest: 'Seventy, eighty, one, two, three. $83. Still a lot of money and I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it.'

Michael:Michael announces he will be competing in the contest himself, using Jim's clients: 'I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here, and out of sight. Out of the contest.'

Michael:Michael on the phone making a sale, then celebrating: 'Yes! Oh! Yeah. Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale!'

Michael · coworkers:After Michael's victory dance, coworkers: 'I think he's dancing.' Michael: 'No, just... That was definitely not dancing. You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just... Paper business.'

Michael:Michael: 'This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.'

Michael:Michael cancels the sales contest citing the carpet: 'Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair and I'll explain to you how this is fair.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.' Stanley: 'That's not what a hate crime is.' Michael: 'Well, I hated it a lot, okay.'

Michael:Michael: 'Very well, then you're all punished. What's our punishment? You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly.' — delivered to the entire office

Michael:Michael punishes everyone with a 'time out' — 'Very well, then you're all punished. What's our punishment? You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly.'

Michael · Creed:Creed's non sequitur: Michael says 'My biggest fear is turning into him [Ed Truck].' Creed: 'Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy?' Michael: 'Why am I talking to you?'

Michael · Ed Truck:Michael meets Ed Truck outside the building to avoid having him in the office — the revelation that the pension issue was fake: 'Oh, no, no, no, you're good. It was clerical. You're good.'

Michael · Ed Truck:Michael: 'You can love a boss like you do a father.' Ed Truck: 'I'm not sure that ever happens.'

Michael:Michael: 'Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them.'

Michael:Michael: 'I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "No. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."'

Michael · Todd Packer:Todd Packer calls Michael at the office: 'Hello, yes, I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.' Michael: 'Who is this? How did you get this number?' Packer: 'Your mom, you gay nerd.'

Michael · Packer · office staff:Packer reveals the 'package' he left in Michael's office: Michael asks around the office 'Did anybody see a package here today?'... 'How big was it?'... 'Did you see a big package?'

Michael · Office Employees:Michael finally understands: 'Are you kidding me?' — the dawning realization that the 'package' is the carpet incident, as the office confirms 'You mean... the thing?'

Michael:Michael's joyful reaction to learning Packer did it: 'Are you kidding me?'... 'Special delivery. That was Packer! You are dead! You are dead, my friend.'

Michael:Michael talking head after the reveal: 'It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand.' / 'It was done out of love, just like I thought.'

Michael:Michael: 'It was done out of love, just like I thought.' (recalling his earlier theory)

Michael:Michael: 'Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out.'

Michael · Jan:Michael barging into Jan's Women in the Workplace session despite being explicitly told he's not allowed, then launching into a rambling 'speech'

Michael · Jan:"What is more important than quality?" / "Equality."

Michael:"You have come a long way, baby. But I just... just wanna keep it within reason."

Michael:Michael's talking head: "Translation: I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls. Oh, sorry. 'Women of the Workplace.'"

Michael · Toby:Michael to Toby: "Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too. Sort of."

Michael:Michael: "Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?"

Michael:Michael's rhapsodic description of the warehouse: 'A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months.'

Michael · Darrell:Michael introducing Darrell by asking 'What is your biggest fear?' and Darrell's response about shipments

Michael:Michael explaining 'BrAngelina' to the warehouse: 'BrAnangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina.' / 'It's a Ram thing.'

Michael:Michael: 'I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.'

Darrell · Michael:Darrell suggesting he and Michael switch places: 'How about we go upstairs, too, you know? Learn how an office works.' / Michael: 'I don't think you'd like it up there.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael trying to come up with bonding topics for the men: 'Ponies. / No. / How about rainbows? / No. / Flowers. / That's dangerous, Michael.'

Michael · Jim · Roy:Michael's 'guys' gripe session: 'We even like the same girls, some of us.' — followed by extreme awkward silence with Jim and Roy both present

Michael · Darrell · Roy:Michael shushes Darrell; Darrell: 'Don't shush me.' Michael: 'That was just... breathing.' Roy: 'Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.'

Warehouse workers · Michael:Warehouse workers chanting 'Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael!' after he says the problem is 'the chicks'

Michael · Jan:Michael to Jan: 'Don't get hysterical.' Jan: 'I'm not.' Michael: 'Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women. Let's... be... rational... here.'

Michael · Jan:Michael telling Jan about the union: 'Don't get hysterical.' / Jan: 'I'm not.' / Michael: 'Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.'

Michael:Michael: 'Now who's getting hysterical?' after Jan shuts him down

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Come on, Jan. After all we've been through. We have history. Between us.'

Michael · Warehouse workers · Darrell:Michael doing something on the warehouse floor that prompts 'Cold front comin' in to the warehouse!' / 'Better put on your ski boots!' / 'Wooooow!' / 'Happy New Year, Darrell!'

Michael:Michael to Darrell: 'Hey, Darrell! You ever done this?'

Michael:Michael's talking head reaction to the seminar: 'How can someone so beautiful be so sad?'

Michael:Another forklift/warehouse equipment mishap: 'Just gonna push this over there!' followed by sounds of things going wrong

Michael:Michael: 'Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza.'

Michael:Michael, mid-monologue: '...Do black people like pizza?'

Michael:Michael to the warehouse workers: 'Sometimes Jan... can be such a bitch.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'I mean, I love the guy stuff, but... to run an office, you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks Dwight to come to New York. Dwight: 'And you want me to come with you.' Michael: 'No. Opposite of that.'

Michael · Pam:Michael to Pam: 'Hey Pam, you heart NY, right? You want me to pick you up anything?' then immediately pivots to 'Fo'get abou' it!' and a New York accent

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.'

Michael:Michael's New York tour: 'Right here is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice.'

Michael:Times Square tour: 'Named for the good times you have when you're in it.'

Michael:Michael's Times Square restaurant recommendations: 'Great places to eat. We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there.'

Michael:Michael narrating the subway: 'Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time.' — then interrupts himself mid-sentence when he sees a man pooping in a cardboard box.

Michael:Michael at Rockefeller Center: 'Founded, of course, by Theodore Rockefeller.'

Michael · Tina Fey (or lookalike):Michael spots Tina Fey: 'And it's... that's Tina Fey. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live.' — then approaches her and she rebuffs him.

Michael:Michael on the phone, apparently just missing a second celebrity sighting while distracted by the fake Tina Fey: 'When? When I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on!'

Michael:Michael's New York fantasy: 'Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid.'

Michael:Michael's Desert Storm analogy for his presentation: 'It's like Michael Jordan in the NBA finals or like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf. And this presentation is Desert Storm. And as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore.'

Michael · Craig:Michael's introduction of Craig: 'You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?' Craig: 'Guilty.'

Craig · Michael · others:Craig describes ignoring Jan's order to fire four people: 'She called me in September. And she's like, you gotta fire four people. And I was just like, what? You know.' 'Did you?' 'No. I just ignored her.'

Craig · Michael:Craig: 'She is the worst.' Michael: 'She is our boss.' Craig: 'She ain't my boss, dude. I don't work for that bitch.' Michael: 'Hey, ca... ca... come on... maybe because she's my girlfriend.'

Michael · Craig:Michael's 'Was or not my girlfriend' correction and the awkward revelation that he and Jan hooked up, which Craig didn't know.

Michael:Michael's presentation begins: 'What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure.' Then cuts to a video montage.

Michael · David Wallace · Jan:Michael begins his presentation: 'What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports?' [Long pause.] 'Sure.'

Michael:Michael's video: 'Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it.' — accompanied by presumably slow, pastoral footage of Scranton.

Michael · Stanley:Michael's video narrates Stanley: 'An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmarks of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our basis on.'

Michael:Michael's talking head about the video: 'Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. Was thinking about entering it in some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about.'

Michael · Oscar · Phyllis:Michael's video ending: 'What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants.'

Craig · Jan · Michael:Craig blames Michael's video: 'You know what? Michael made that stupid movie. He doesn't get in any trouble. Maybe I should've slept with you too.'

Jan · Michael:Jan to Michael after the Craig disaster: 'I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael.'

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'The CFO thinks that we slept together.' Michael: 'Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Surely, you cannot be serious.' Jan: [presumably mortified] Michael: 'I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. Airplane.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.'

Michael · David (CFO):Michael explaining Craig's comment to David: 'Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys, we were all chatting. And I made a joke. A really dumb joke. And Craig the idiot took it seriously.'

Michael:Michael defending Jan to the CFO: 'Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world.'

Michael · Jan:Jan thanks Michael for defending her to the CFO. Moment of genuine warmth. Then: 'So, uh, happy Valentine's Day.' 'Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.' — beat of longing between them.

Michael · Jan:The long pause after the 'Happy Valentine's Day' exchange between Michael and Jan — inferred from [20:07] to [20:31] timestamp gap — before the scene ends

Michael:Final moment/tag: 'Oi vey... schmear.' — Michael apparently saying something Jewish-inflected as a parting comment in New York

Michael:Michael pacing around the parking lot talking to himself about a hypothetical corporate request, arriving at the profound conclusion that corporate will say 'yes or no'

Michael · Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Phyllis · Creed · Ryan:Michael yelling 'Heisman!' while throwing a football in the parking lot, interspersed with him demanding the ball back from every single coworker including Creed, as the football chaotically passes through the entire office staff

Michael · Ryan:Ryan gets tackled or knocked down during the football game; Michael's only follow-up is a perfunctory 'You all right, Ryan?' and Ryan's flat 'Yeah.'

Michael · Jim:Michael reading sale ads and musing 'Maybe I should get a TiVo... DVD burner... you are so lucky, Jim, you don't have this problem' — implying the 'problem' is having money to spend

Jim · Michael:'What was the ninth place prize again? A loaf of bread?' — 'Cojino's pizza.' — 'Question, do their pizzas play DVDs?'

Michael · Jim:Michael asking Jim 'Are you sad that Dwight beat you? Are you gonna cry? Do you need a tissue?'

Michael · Dwight:'That's what she said.' — Dwight: 'I don't get it.' — Michael: 'Grapes, seductive. Fruit, grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight says 'absofruitly' instead of 'absolutely' — Michael: 'Fruit, grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time.'

Michael:Michael describing what he misses about winning the convention award: 'Sir, you're awesome. Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year.'

Michael:Michael's spelling bee story: 'When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word... failure.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'I can't do this.' — Michael: 'That's because you're incapable of doing it. Because you don't know how. Because you have no skills.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'If you have a question, you should ask me.' — Dwight: 'I'll try and think of one.' — Michael: 'Don't try to think of a question to humor me. Just try not to be such an idiot.' — Dwight: 'Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?' — Michael: 'Insult.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael's public speaking joke lesson: 'What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? A saleswoman has a vagina.' — Jim: 'It's a joke, Dwight, it's not a sex ed class.' — Dwight: 'But I'm right.'

Michael · Office Staff:Michael tells the office they're all getting $1,000 bonuses; they erupt in celebration; he then tells Dwight 'You see that? In that moment, I had them.' Then immediately has to walk it back.

Michael · Pam:Michael: 'Pam, I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me.'

Michael · Angela · Pam:Angela's response to Michael asking if wedding planning would be good practice for Pam's wedding toast: 'Yeah, the bride doesn't really do...' — Michael: 'Have you ever been to a wedding?'

Creed · Michael · Jim:Creed stands up to toast 'Amsterdam' and reveals he went there after his divorce for 'about a week. Or maybe a month.' Michael: 'Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam, trust me.'

Michael:Michael warns Jim not to go to Amsterdam: 'Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam, trust me.' / 'I'd send you to Hong Kong.' / 'I'd like to say hi to my friends in China.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael instructs Dwight: 'Show us what you have learned today.' — Dwight stands and delivers: 'Good morning, Vietnam!'

Dwight · Michael · Office Staff:Dwight: 'I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates.' — Coworker: 'No, we're not.' — Dwight: 'Yes, you are.' — Michael: 'Well, it's mostly made up.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head: 'Dwight is not going to do a good job, it's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a great job. Two years in a row I killed. It was amazing.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Dwight is not going to do a good job, it's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a great job. Two years in a row I killed. It was amazing.'

Michael:Michael: 'I didn't actually major in public speaking. But I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one. Originally given by Benito Mussolini.'

Michael:Michael's public speaking advice distilled from dictator study: 'You've gotta wave your arms, and you've gotta pound your fists. Many times. So as to emphasize your point.'

Michael:Michael at the convention: 'Wow, it's a little bit bigger than I remembered.' — looking out at an enormous ballroom full of people

Dwight · Michael:Dwight, about to give the speech, suddenly claims to feel 'under the weather' and says he will 'go home and rest'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'I've never ever seen you take a sick day.' — Dwight: 'Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us.'

Michael:Michael rushes to the microphone to cover for the missing Dwight and opens with 'Good morning, Vietnam!'

Michael:Michael: 'I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss.'

Michael:Michael's speech: 'And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that... nature.'

Michael:Michael's speech about 'excellence': 'What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that... nature. And one would be humor.'

Michael:Michael attempts to deliver the salesman/saleswoman joke to 1000 salespeople — long awkward pause after the setup visible from the scene cut

Michael:Michael's convention speech devolves into Michael Winslow impressions: 'And now, the black guy from the Police Academy movies. A robot. Michael Winslow. Anyone? A car starting.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael introduces Dwight back to the stage: 'Good luck. That is a tough crowd.'

Michael:Michael introducing Dwight: 'All right, Dwight Schroot, everyone. Good luck. That is a tough crowd.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's bar story: a woman orders a drink, gets IDed, doesn't have her ID, says she'll go get it, and hasn't come back — Michael recounts this as an absolutely riveting tale to Dwight

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street, anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar story. So I captivated the guy who captivated 1,000 guys.'

Michael:I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me.

Toby · Michael:Michael, you can't be nasty today. Because of that. Oh, God. Is that today?

Michael:This is like HBO. No limits. Who knows what I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated... I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw. And they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care. Both great movies, but still.

Michael · Dwight:Michael reluctantly addresses the children with a flat 'Hi, children.' after being pushed by Dwight.

Michael:I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.

Michael · Jim · Dwight:That's Batman. That's Batman. Okay. I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys? The ocean. I work with a bunch of nerds.

Michael:Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? If you don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox.

Melissa · Michael:I'm in eighth grade. / Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.

Michael:It's not that children make me uncomfortable. It's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.

Michael:I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.

Michael:Like I'm the conductor. But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here.

Sasha · Michael:All aboard for sales! Next stop, Kukabonga.

Dwight · Michael · Sasha:You broke my hand! There is no way that hurt. Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. Little girl, come over here. Shake my hand. Come on. I don't have all day. I don't feel anything. Nothing. You're so weak.

Michael:The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.

Michael · Dwight · Child:What's a Nazi? Nazi was a fascist movement... Don't... From the 1930s in Germany... Don't, don't talk about Nazis in front of... You know what? They're gonna have nightmares. Why don't you just shut it?

Jakey · Michael:Bye, Mr. Poop. All right. There goes Mr. Poop.

Michael:Children cannot lie. They are innocent and they speak the truth. And out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool.

Michael:See all these? You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?

Michael · Child:And then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it. That's not fair.

Child · Michael:You're just a middleman. I'm not just a middleman. Wait. Why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper directly to people? You are describing Office Depot. And they're kind of running us out of business.

Michael:There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody. This is Creed. And he is in charge of something.

Michael:You know, there's something interesting about me that you might want to know. I used to be the star of a kids' show.

Michael · Child:There was a show called Fundle Bundle and I was the star. That doesn't sound like a show.

Michael:Ryan, I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson City. And if she is at the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked. I want you to boost yourself up...

Ryan · Dwight · Michael:I'm already getting the pizzas from Brunetti's, so... / You know, I can go with him. No! I will go.

Michael:I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.

Michael:The Fundle Bundle tape plays: child-Michael on TV being interviewed.

Michael:Yes! That is Edward R. Meow.

Michael:That guy's legit. (about the local TV weatherman who appeared on Fundle Bundle)

Child · Michael:Did you get married? No. Why not? It just never happened. So, do you have any kids? Nope.

Child · Michael · Kevin:Do you have a girlfriend? I do okay. Even I have a girlfriend.

Child · Michael:So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be? I guess not.

Michael:Michael retreats to his office with a slice of pizza and goes quiet.

Michael · Toby:You have to ask me that because you work for Human Resources. That's true.

Michael · Toby:Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids? / Well, you need a wife first. Or at least a girlfriend. / What about... / Not Jan.

Toby · Michael:A foster parent or something. / Or biologically. / Somehow.

Michael · Toby:Hey, does Sasha have a godfather? Because... Yes. Okay.

Michael:I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it. And I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael:Hey, no please. You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do. (Michael produces a guitar)

Michael:And they do. Your parents love you very much. One more time.

Michael:Michael dismisses concerns about Phil's legitimacy by saying 'Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael says 'Calling cards are the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.' Ryan immediately asks 'Who uses calling cards anymore?'

Michael · Ryan:Michael responds to 'It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme' with 'Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will.'

Michael · Toby:Toby brings up Michael's previous e-mail investment scam; Michael responds: 'When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?'

Michael:Michael explains why it's not a pyramid scheme by describing exactly how a pyramid scheme works, then trails off: 'It's not a pyramid scheme. It's not even a scheme, per se, it's...'

Michael:After failing to explain why it's not a pyramid scheme, Michael's only escape is 'I have to go make a call.' Cut to long silence before the scene ends.

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Today is my b-day and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.'

Michael:Michael brags about his suit being 'from Italy. Actually, no, Bulgaria.'