Cocktails

Kevin:My car broke down on the highway. I was stranded for hours.

Michael:That's rough, buddy. You know what? Speaking of rough situations, I handled a really tough client call yesterday. Closed a deal. Boom. That's what I do.

Michael:I'm here today as a guest lecturer.

Michael:Actually, I prefer 'guest speaker.'

Michael:No wait, 'distinguished guest speaker.'

Michael:How about 'esteemed visiting lecturer and scholar of business.'

Michael:You know what, let's just go with 'quest speaker.'

Ryan:Michael, I'm doing you a favor here. I'm going to tutor Erin so she can pass her GED.

Ryan:Actually, I'm just going to tell her the answers so she passes and I get extra credit.

Michael:I want to be like Mr. Handell. He was the cool teacher.

Michael:Wait, wasn't Mr. Handell a serial predator who ruined eighth grade?

Michael:What's the most inspiring thing I've ever said?

Dwight:You once told me, 'You're not as bad as everyone says you are.' I based my entire life philosophy on that.

Michael:You know, I've always wanted to have a moment like that. You know, where I throw my hat in the air and everyone cheers.

Dwight:Nobody's graduating, Michael.

Michael:I know that, Dwight.

Roy:You're not even trying anymore. Look at you.

Pam:What? I am trying.

Roy:No you're not. You never do. You're lazy, just like everything else about you.

Pam:Roy, that's not funny.

Roy:I'm just messing with you. Come on, lighten up.

Pam:I'm really mature about being back with Roy.

Pam:Does that sound braggy?

Jim:So I'm in a relationship with Karen. We're... Jaren. Moving on.

Michael:Reveals he never actually went to college

Michael:Hey, you guys want to throw a Frisbee around?

Student 1:Sure, I guess.

Michael:Alright, here we go!

Student 2:...

Dwight:These are clearly raccoon droppings. The size, the composition, the way they're scattered—raccoon. I'd stake my reputation on it.

Dwight:Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I will not fear you, creature.

Dwight:I am one with nature. You sense my dominance.

Dwight:Wait... those are wings. That's not a bird. That's a bat!

Dwight:Everybody stay calm!

Dwight:It's fine, I have this under control. It's just a bird.

Jim:Dwight, that's a bat.

Dwight:What? No, it's clearly a—

Pam:It's definitely a bat!

Dwight:AHHHHH!

Michael:Everyone stay calm! Stay calm!

Ryan:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Stanley:Get it away from me!

Kevin:Did anyone call animal control?

Oscar:This is a biohazard!

Dwight:I am a schrute! I am not afraid of a bat!

Erin:Ahhhhh! It's coming at me!

Ryan:Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Scott. A man of great ambition. A man of tremendous vision. A man who has the confidence to make decisions without hesitation or any regard for their consequences.

Michael:Thank you.

Ryan:A leader who inspires loyalty through fear and unpredictability. Someone who treats his employees like family, if your family constantly criticized you and made you feel inadequate.

Michael:This is great.

Ryan:Michael Scott: proof that you don't need intelligence, restraint, or basic social awareness to rise to management. A truly unique individual.

Jim:Simple solution would be to open windows.

Creed:Can't open windows, plus vivid description of bat droppings falling.

Jim:I don't see any bite marks, but I'm definitely feeling something weird.

Jim:Like, my arm's getting cold. And tingly. That's not normal.

Jim:I think whatever bit me is supernatural.

Ryan:And now, please welcome to the conference, Micheal Scott.

Michael:It's Michael. Michael.

Ryan:Yes, that's what I said. Micheal.

Michael:You know what? School is a waste of time. You don't need education to be successful.

Michael:Look at me. I never finished college and I'm doing just fine.

Michael:In fact, I'm gonna prove it to you right now.

Michael:This textbook? Worthless. Completely worthless.

Michael:You don't need this to succeed in life. You need drive. You need passion. You need—

Michael:Oh no. Oh no, no, no. That was expensive, wasn't it?

Michael:There are four kinds of business.

Michael:Theres the kind with the things... the kind with the stuff... the kind with the people... and the kind with the money.

Jim:I have a condition where I'm sensitive to temperature inversions. Hot things feel cold to me, and cold things actually burn me.

Dwight:That's impossible. That defies the laws of thermodynamics.

Jim:Well, it's real, Dwight. I have to live with it every day.

Dwight:I don't believe you.

Jim:Believe what you want.

Dwight:Transylvania is in Romania, not Pennsylvania. But if you think about it, 'Trans' means across, and 'ylvania' means forest. So Transylvania means 'across the forest.' Pennsylvania means 'Penn's forest.' So really, they're the same thing. Therefore, vampire bats in Transylvania are the same as vampire bats in Pennsylvania. It's simple biology.

Michael:Okay, so what we need to do is synergize our Snickers, maximize our Milky Way, and really focus on taking our Almond Joy to the next level.

Dwight:Those are candy bars.

Michael:Yes, Dwight, they're also business terms. It's called being versatile.

Student:How do you adapt to a paperless world?

Michael:Well, that's easy. You just don't use paper. You use your computer, your phone, your... your iPad. It's all digital now. Paper is dead.

Student:But what about paper companies?

Michael:They'll adapt. They'll just... they'll make digital paper. Or they'll go out of business. Either way, it's not my problem. I work in paper sales, but I'm thinking bigger picture here.

Jim:Do you have any aspirin? I've got a killer headache.

Angela:I have some in my desk.

Jim:Actually, never mind. I think it's just the spiritual pressure from all that religious jewelry you're wearing. It's creating some kind of supernatural force field around your desk.

Angela:That's ridiculous.

Jim:Is it? Because the headache started the second I walked over here.

Dwight:I have extensive experience hunting supernatural creatures. Vampires, werewolves, ghosts...

Jim:Dwight, that's not real.

Dwight:You weren't there, Jim. You didn't see what I saw.

Pam:What did you see?

Dwight:A creature. Pale skin, glowing eyes, moving unnaturally through the woods near my farm.

Jim:And what happened?

Dwight:I shot it. With my crossbow.

Pam:Did you kill it?

Dwight:Yes. Found the body the next morning.

Jim:What did it look like?

Dwight:Brown fur, four legs, had a collar on it. Probably belonged to the Hendersons.

Student:Do customers ever come back after they leave?

Michael:No, they're stupid.

Michael:That's a great question. Here's one for you: If you have five apples and I take three away, what do you have?

Student:Two apples.

Michael:Wrong. You have two apples, but I have three apples, which means I win.

Creed:I killed the bat.

Creed:I walked in, I saw it, I said 'shoo,' and when it didn't shoo, I grabbed my shotgun and I blew it away.

Creed:I'm a hero.

Michael:You know what? You're right. Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the big box stores. But you know what America should really be worried about? Cyber-attacks. China. North Korea. Asteroids. Spontaneous human combustion. That's the real threat.

Michael:You know what, Ryan? I've overlooked a lot of things. But let's talk about your track record. Remember when you started that fire? In the kitchen?

Ryan:That was an accident.

Michael:Was it? Because I'm looking at a pattern of poor decisions. The website redesign that cost us thousands. The time you wore those suits that made you look like you were going to a bar mitzvah. And don't even get me started on the Wharton thing.

Ryan:It wasn't personal.

Michael:Not personal? Ryan, business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. It's more personal than my relationship with my kids. Business is life. Life is business. And business is personal.

Jim:I can't go out there. The sunlight... it burns.

Dwight:He's changing. I can see it happening right before my eyes. The pale skin, the way he avoids the sunlight, coming in later each day. Jim is becoming a vampire.

Dwight:We're losing him. Soon he won't even be able to enter this office during daylight hours. This is a tragedy unfolding in real time, and nobody seems to care but me.

Roy:I can't believe none of those people from your work showed up.

Pam:Yeah, I know. It's disappointing.

Roy:Disappointing? I'm not disappointed you don't have your friends here. I'm upset that my brother had to sit through this with you instead of watching the game.

Meredith:Ahhh! There's a bat!

Dwight:I got this.

Meredith:No, wait—

Dwight:Falcon punch!

Meredith:Ow! That was me!

Roy:Yeah, this is nice. We should probably get going though.

Pam:You barely looked at anything.

Roy:I know, but I'm hungry. You wanna grab some wings?

Jim:Your art is... it's really good. Like, um, the colors are very... colorful. And the lines, they go... in directions. I especially like the part where it's... there.

Roy:That's not art. Art has courage. Art has honesty. That's just... scared.

Michael:Pam, your art is the prettiest art of all the art.

Michael:This painting really brings out the colors that are in it.

Michael:The brushstrokes are very... there.

Michael:Oh wow, this is... this is really something.

Michael:Wait a minute. Is that... is that the Dunder Mifflin building?

Michael:It is! It's our building! Pam, look!

Pam:Michael, that's just a generic office building.

Michael:No, no, no. Look at the windows. Those are OUR windows. And that's the parking lot where I park. This is art, Pam. This is REAL art.

Pam:What's in your pocket?

Michael:This? Oh, it's a candy bar.

Pam:Where did you get that?

Michael:Remember that business lesson I taught you guys about supply and demand? Well, I took my own advice.

Michael:You know what? Paper is not just a commodity. It's a way of life. It's a connection between people. When you hold a piece of paper in your hands, you're holding possibility. You're holding dreams. You're holding the future of this company and the future of this world.

Michael:Paper is the foundation of all great art. Without paper, there would be no Michelangelo, no da Vinci, no... well, you get the idea. Paper is essential to human civilization.

Michael:Of course, now that I think about it, most of my favorite moments have been captured on my digital camera.

Kelly:Oh my God, Ryan! You're going to the annex? That's like, right next to my desk! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Ryan:It's a punishment.

Kelly:I know! Isn't it amazing?