Product Recall

Pam:I'm so sorry, Andy.

Andy:No, no, no. You don't need to apologize. I'm not mad.

Pam:But I feel terrible.

Andy:Pam, honestly, it's fine. You didn't do anything wrong.

Andy:I have anger management techniques. I call my anger issues 'the grumpies.'

Jim:I'm not calling you 'Nard Dog.'

Andy:Jim, I understand your resistance to change. But I've been working very hard on my anger management, and I'm choosing to respond to your negativity with compassion and understanding.

Jim:Okay, 'Andy.'

Andy:Thank you for respecting my—THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

Dwight:In my culture, we have a practice called 'shunning.' I have never done it, but I have been shunned. It hurts.

Jim:Shunning? Like the Amish?

Dwight:Yes. When you shun someone, you cut them out of your life completely. It's like slapping someone with silence.

Dwight:I was shunned for two years as a small child over tuna oil.

Jim:Dwight, you're being shunned.

Dwight:What? Why?

Jim:You need to talk to Andy about it.

Dwight:What did he say?

Jim:He says you're a bad friend and a constant disappointment.

Dwight:He said that?

Jim:He also said your hair is a target for birds. And that you smell like a cling peach.

Dwight:Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Jim:I'm not doing this anymore. This is too far.

Dwight:Damn you!

Michael:Darryl's presentation was very zoppity.

Michael:Who's driven the forklift? Uh, there's Pudge...

Madge:It's Madge.

Michael:Right, Pudge.

Madge:No, Madge.

Michael:That's what I said, Pudge.

Michael:Her.

Darryl:Her? Michael, that's Madge. She's been here for eight years.

Michael:Hey, how's it going?

Michael:A baler? I hardly know her.

Michael:I want to bet on safety statistics.

Jim:Why would you bet on safety statistics?

Michael:Because basketball season is over and I'm bored.

Michael:It's just a big metal box that crushes things. What's the big deal?

Darryl:It's not just a box. This is precision machinery. You gotta respect it.

Michael:Darryl, come on. It's a baler.

Darryl:Exactly! And you don't just mess around with a baler. People lose fingers, hands, arms—

Michael:Okay, okay, I get it. It's dangerous.

Darryl:It's not just dangerous. It's dangerous because you're not respecting it. You show it respect, you follow procedure, you keep your distance, you live another day.

Michael:Everyone, this is Toby from HR. He's here to do some safety training. Toby, come on up here.

Toby:Thanks, Michael. I'm excited to be here.

Michael:Well, nobody's excited that you're here, Toby. But we're legally required to listen to you drone on about OSHA regulations for the next hour. Which, honestly, is the most painful thing that could happen to us today. But hey, at least you're... here. And that's... something.

Michael:If I recommend that people take their breaks throughout the day, that's 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there, it really adds up. So what if everyone took all their breaks at once?

Toby:Then no one would be working.

Michael:Exactly. Problem solved.

Michael:What are some dangerous office situations we should be aware of?

Toby:Well, there's ergonomic issues, electrical hazards...

Michael:What about computers? Don't computers explode?

Toby:No, Michael, computers don't explode.

Michael:Well, not with that attitude.

Kevin:You gotta layer up. I wear three sweaters in winter.

Creed:Three? Rookie numbers. I wear seven shirts and two vests.

Kevin:Two vests? That's insane.

Creed:You want to know what's really insane? I also wear a parka. Indoors.

Kevin:A parka inside? Creed, that's...

Creed:And a ski mask. And mittens. I can barely type but I'm toasty.

Kevin:Have you considered just asking Facilities to turn up the heat?

Creed:Where's the fun in that?

Toby:One of the major health risks in an office environment is a sedimentary lifestyle.

Oscar:Did you just say sedimentary?

Toby:Yes, sedimentary. Sitting all day.

Oscar:It's sedentary.

Darryl:You know what they're calling it now? Fat butt disease.

Michael:That's not a real thing.

Darryl:No? Then why are you getting it?

Michael:You know what? You're not even a real person. You're like a Barbie doll that came to life, but without the intelligence.

Kelly:Well Michael, at least when I talk, people actually listen. And they're not checking their watches or looking for the nearest exit.

Darryl:Y'all office workers got it soft. Sitting on your biscuit all day, nerfy chairs, air conditioning...

Michael:Nerfy? What does that even mean? Is that like... nerdy? Because I'm not nerdy. I'm cool. I'm very cool. Did Darryl call me nerfy? That's not even a word. You know what? I don't care what he thinks. I'm the boss.

Michael:I have warehouse experience.

Dwight:You do?

Michael:Yeah, I worked in a warehouse.

Dwight:Where?

Michael:Walmart. But it was retail, not industrial, and I was just a greeter.

Michael:Welcome to the Scranton branch! How are you today, friend? Can I interest you in some high-quality paper products? We have a wide selection of weights and finishes. Tell me, what brings you in today? Is it a special occasion? Birthday? Anniversary? We can help with all your paper needs!

Jim:I counted them three times.

Pam:Well, I counted them twice.

Jim:That's why I won.

Pam:We spend all day together.

Pam:We're best friends.

Pam:We know everything about each other.

Michael:You know, Pam, working in the warehouse, you gotta watch out for the baler. One wrong move and you're a goner. It's dark down there. People get depressed. I almost did once. Very close. But I didn't.

Michael:The point is, warehouse or office, depression is real. And suicide is no laughing matter. But if you're gonna do it, the baler is a pretty good way.

Michael:You touch it, and it like... it reacts to you. So you're like, interacting with science.

Michael:I mean, at that point, you basically know science.

Pam:Are you okay?

Michael:I'm not just okay, Pam. I'm operating at peak efficiency, functioning in a state of optimal corporeal and mental harmony, with all my chakras aligned and my aura positively radiant.

Michael:You know what the real office killers are? Interruptions, distractions, wolves...

Michael:Not wolves. I don't know why I said wolves.

Michael:What if we made a graph of depression? Like, the higher it goes, the more depressed you are.

Dwight:That's actually not a bad idea.

Michael:Right? We could use red for the depressed parts.

Jim:Michael, that doesn't make any sense.

Michael:Why not?

Jim:Because depression isn't a number you can just put on a graph.

Kelly:Netflix is this amazing service where you can watch TV shows and movies whenever you want. It's like having a personal movie theater in your house, but better because you can pause it and get snacks whenever you want.

Ryan:Kelly, I know what Netflix is.

Kelly:Right, but like, do you know how GOOD it is though? Because it's literally the best thing that's ever happened to television.

Jim:Five bucks says she mentions something being 'literally' in the next ten seconds.

Pam:I'll take that bet.

Kelly:I am literally obsessed with it. I've watched like four seasons of shows this week alone.

Jim:Pay up.

Michael:Watermelons? For safety testing? Okay, but they have to be seedless. I'm not spending my afternoon spitting out watermelon seeds like some kind of peasant.

Creed:I once found a potato in the garden. It had a face on it. I ate it anyway.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. A watermelon damaged your car? Stanley, you're not going to press charges?

Stanley:No, Michael.

Michael:Not even hate crime charges?

Michael:Okay, I'm assigning you to use the baler.

Michael:Still calling Madge 'Padge' and... you know, Kelly as 'sea monster.'

Dwight:Andy, I have an urgent mission for you. I need you to acquire a bounce house by end of business today.

Andy:A bounce house? Dwight, that's insane. Where am I supposed to find a bounce house on such short notice?

Dwight:That's not my problem. But I'll need you to fill out a requisition form in triplicate, get it notarized, and submit it to the warehouse for approval.

Andy:Notarized? For a bounce house?

Dwight:Yes. And you'll need liability insurance, a safety inspection certificate, and written consent from corporate. I've already drafted the paperwork.

Andy:This is ridiculous!

Dwight:Those are the rules, Andrew. Now get to work.

Andy:Does it have a drawbridge?

Dwight:Yes.

Andy:Okay, we'll take it.

Andy:You gotta land like an eight-year-old.

Michael:What does that mean?

Andy:Just... loose and limp. They don't think about it, they just do it.

Michael:Okay, I can do this. I've done crazier things. I once drove my car into a lake. I've bungee jumped off a bridge. I've eaten an entire wheel of cheese. So ripping a hole in the sun? That's nothing. I got this.

Dwight:Michael has been shunned. This means we are not to acknowledge his presence. We are to treat him as though he does not exist. It officially began three minutes ago.

Andy:When will the shunning end?

Dwight:Never.

Angela:What if it rains?

Jim:You use an umbrella.

Angela:What if I don't have an umbrella?

Jim:Then you get wet. It's not that complicated.

Angela:What if I get sick from being wet?

Jim:You won't! Just go outside!

Angela:What if there's a bird?

Jim:The bird doesn't care about you, Angela!

Dwight:Depression is just a fancy word for being sad. Sadness is just part of being human. I don't have time for it.

Michael:That's great, Dwight. But you know, sometimes people need help. It's like that SNL sketch... 'Live from New York, it's Saturday Night... Therapy!'

Kevin:I'm taking 10,000 to 1 odds.

Kevin:John Mellencamp's gonna win an Oscar.

Michael:That's what she said!

Michael:So I'm doing my whole bit again up on the roof.

Creed:You're gonna need to do it at least three times. Matinee, evening show, and a late night.

Michael:What? Why?

Creed:That's how theater works. You can't just do one show.

Michael:Guys, I need to talk to you about something serious. My life is falling apart.

Ryan:Yeah, yeah, that's great Michael.

Kelly:Oh my god, is anyone else seeing this bounce house?

Jim:I'm going in.

Michael:Wait, what? No, I'm in the middle of a crisis here!

Kelly:Michael, there's a BOUNCE HOUSE.

Michael:Why is there a bounce house?

Dwight:Safety measure. You said you wanted to do a parkour demonstration off the roof.

Michael:I wanted it to be dramatic!

Michael:I'm going to do a dangerous stunt to show how dangerous it is.

Jim:Michael, that's actually dangerous.

Michael:No, it's fake danger to show real danger.

Jim:But you're actually getting hurt.

Michael:This bounce house is the perfect safety solution for the office!

Jim:Michael, that's a bounce house. It's not a safety measure.

Michael:Exactly! When someone falls, they bounce back up. Safe!

Jim:That's... not how safety works.

Dwight:A Japanese robot that cleans your house but also judges you for the way you live?

Pam:No.

Dwight:A Japanese robot that cleans your house, judges you, and also reports back to your mother?

Pam:No, Dwight.

Michael:So you're saying I should die?

Darryl:No, man, I never said you should die. I said you should try it.

Michael:Jan and I, we have a very special connection. She really knows how to... well, let's just say the bedroom activities are off the charts. I mean, last night we were—

Michael:And when she does that thing with her—you know what, I probably shouldn't be saying this on a roof in front of all of you.

Darryl:Michael, you're doing great. For someone with your limitations, you're really reaching your potential.

Darryl:You know what, Michael? For a guy with no warehouse experience, you're doing pretty good.

Michael:Thanks, Darryl. That means a lot coming from you. I've been trying to pick up some of the warehouse lingo and processes.

Darryl:Yeah, most people would have just quit by now.

Michael:I appreciate that. I'm really committed to understanding all aspects of this business.

Michael:I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who sees a problem and tries to fix it. That's what any decent person would do.

Michael:Although, I guess that does make me kind of a hero.