Dwight Schrute

Michael · Dwight:Brief awkward exchange with Dwight — the 'Wassuuup' echo goes unanswered; office tension visible; Michael's 'Back to work!' covers the silence.

Jim · Dwight:Dwight's stapler is in Jell-O — Jim's prank, third time apparently.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'It's not on your desk, it's overlapping. One word, two syllables: demarcation.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight threatens a safety violation — 'I could fall and pierce an organ.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'I'm Assistant Regional Manager, I should know first.' Michael: 'Assistant to the Regional Manager.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight whispers conspiratorially to Michael, asking to be told the news quietly: 'Just whisper it in my ear.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'With my permission.' Dwight: 'I don't need...' Michael: 'Permission granted. Go ahead.'

Dwight:Dwight, upon finding his stapler in Jell-O: 'That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. It's sort of one of the rules.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, and it is a waste of that kind of food.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Retaliation. Tit for tit.' Jim: 'That is not the expression.' Dwight: 'Well it should be.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight playing Solitaire/Freecell at work. Dwight: 'A 6 on 7.' Jim: 'I know, I saw that.' Dwight: 'So then why didn't you do it?' Jim: 'I'm saving that cause I like it when the cards go...' Dwight: 'Who doesn't love that?'

Dwight · Mr. Brown:Mr. Brown's H.E.R.O. acronym: Honesty, Empathy, Respect, Open-mindedness. Dwight immediately challenges: 'A hero kills people. People that wish him harm. A hero is part human, part supernatural, a hero is born out of a child with trauma or out of a disaster that must be avenged.'

Dwight:Dwight refuses to sign the diversity pledge: 'I don't think I can sign this... It says here that I've learned something, and I knew all this stuff already.'

Dwight:Dwight's counter-offer: 'You know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so...' [looks at Pam]

Dwight:Dwight: 'Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan.' Mr. Brown (or another character): 'That's nice, Dwight.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight watching something on the office computer — apparently a show Jim downloaded. Dwight: 'I downloaded it on her computer, I hope she doesn't mind, she has a lot of extra space.' Jim: 'No way, I think she really likes this stuff.' Dwight: 'She's cute, hein?' Jim: 'Yeah, she's engaged but—' Dwight: 'Oh no, the girl on the... sketch.' Jim: 'Oh yeah, she's hot.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight discuss whether the girl in the video is 'cute' — Dwight says 'She's engaged but... oh, no, the girl on the sketch — oh yeah, she's hot'

Michael · Dwight:Michael delegates the healthcare decision to Dwight, saying 'I'm having an unbelievably busy day' — then Dwight's reaction is pure excitement: 'Gosh! Yeah! That is a great offer!'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's first question upon being given managerial power: 'How many people can I fire?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Ok we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'm gonna need an office.'

Dwight · Michael:The 'office vs. workspace' argument — Dwight insists the conference room is an 'office'; when Michael says it's a workspace, Dwight immediately says 'bigger than his!' referring to Michael's office.

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is: How, I hurt my leg... I can't run, a lion eats me, and I'm dead.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead!'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight to Pam entering his workspace: 'Uh, knock, please. Please knock, this is an office.' / 'If it's the same thing, then why'd you write workspace?'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight on cutting healthcare: 'Times are tough, Pam, deal with it.' Pam: 'You cut more than you had to, didn't you?' Dwight: 'Sure.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight: 'Don't need it, never been sick, perfect immune system.' Pam: 'Ok well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.' Dwight: 'I don't need them, superior genes. I'm a Schrute.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight: 'Through concentration I can raise—' Pam: 'Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?' Dwight: 'So I can lower it.'

Dwight:Dwight's solution to confidential medical submissions: have everyone write their diseases anonymously on slips of paper. 'Or don't write any disease down at all, and they won't be covered.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Couldn't find the knock.' — after being caught without knocking on his own workspace door.

Dwight:Dwight reading disease list: 'Leprosy. Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot dog fingers. Government-created killer nano-robot infection.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight: 'Government-created killer nano-robot infection.' Jim co-worker: 'It's an epidemic.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Count Choculitis.' Dwight to Jim: 'Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim locks Dwight in the conference room using Dwight's own keys — 'Those are my keys.' Jim: 'Good luck.' — Dwight screams 'Jim! Damn it!'

Jim · Dwight · Michael:Jim answers Michael's frantic calls with 'Jim Halpert' in a professional phone voice while Michael screams to be let out; then Dwight calls, threatens to fire Jim; Jim: 'No you can't fire me'; Dwight: 'Yes I can, I'm manager for the day.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight threatens to fire Jim; Jim says he can't; Dwight: 'Yes I can, I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.' Jim: 'Ok, can you hold on one second, I'm getting a bip.'

Dwight · Jan:Dwight calls Jan to get permission to fire Jim — using Michael's cell phone.

Dwight · Jan:Jan: 'Dwight, listen to me very carefully, you are not a manager of anything. Understand?' Dwight: 'That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.'

Dwight · Jan:After Jan says no to firing Jim: 'Please don't use my cell phone ever again.' Dwight: 'This is your cell? I thought this was your off—'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'I tried being rational. Ok, and what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate.'

Dwight:Dwight reads aloud anonymous disease submissions: 'Number one: inverted penis.'

Meredith · Dwight:Meredith: 'Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.' Dwight: 'I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.' Meredith: 'A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight: 'Ok great. Germatitus. Thank you Angela, I'll make sure that's covered.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Ok now, who wrote this hysterical one? Anal fissures.' Someone: 'That's a real thing.' Dwight: 'Yeah but no one here has it.' Long pause — someone clearly has it.

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Cuts? What? Dwight, did you make cuts?' Dwight: 'Yeah, you said go in and—' Michael: 'No no no no no. I said nothing specific because I was so busy.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael correcting Dwight: 'Assistant TO the regional manager, Dwight'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight approaches Jim and solemnly proposes they form 'an alliance'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight flexes unprompted and says 'Did you get your tickets? / To what? / The gun show.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight insists the alliance must be 'totally a secret' — immediately followed by Jim telling Pam about it

Jim · Dwight:Dwight panics when he sees Jim talking to Pam — Jim convinces him Pam is an alliance asset because she 'knows the most information'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight and Jim covertly observe Kevin and Toby talking in the kitchen, treating it as enemy intelligence gathering

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight become genuinely distracted discussing how good the deli sandwiches look mid-spy operation

Dwight:Dwight's reaction to discovering Kevin and Toby may be forming an alliance: 'Damn it! God! God!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'We need to assume everyone in the office is forming an alliance' / Dwight: 'Damn it, why us?' / Jim: 'Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.'

Dwight:Dwight's personnel file recitation about Meredith: 'Name: Meredith Palmer. Personal information: divorced twice, two kids. Employer: Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards: multiple Dundies.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight suggests Michael use the fact that 'she had a hysterectomy' as birthday card material; Michael: 'Which one is that again?' / Dwight: 'That's when they remove the uterus.' / Michael: 'Oh God, Dwight, NO!'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'That wasn't a waste of time.'

Dwight:Dwight's deer hunting monologue: 'One thing about deer: they have very good vision. One thing about me: I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael considers putting Dwight in a large cardboard box with a lid taped shut to spy from

Jim · Dwight:Jim's concern: 'If you tape the lid down you won't be able to breathe.' / Dwight: 'I can breathe just fine, ok?' / Jim punches air holes anyway

Dwight:Dwight's talking head from inside the box: 'Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No. Frankly I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.'

Pam · Dwight:Pam approaches the box in the warehouse and delivers disinformation to Dwight through the cardboard

Roy · Dwight:Roy asks 'Dwight, what the hell is he talking about?' — Dwight: 'I have absolutely no idea.'

Dwight:Dwight's final talking head: 'Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game... get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight privately lobbies Michael to be on the basketball team; Michael references 'Todd Packard' and vouching for Dwight at a pick-up game as the reason he can't play

Michael · Dwight:Michael calls Dwight his 'Assistant Regional Manager'; Dwight corrects him — 'Assistant to the Regional Manager'; Michael says 'Same thing'; Dwight: 'No, it's lower, so...' Michael: 'It's close.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight, newly empowered to assign Saturday work, immediately selects Jim

Michael · Dwight:Michael to his team: 'But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumblin' all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.' — Pause — Dwight: 'Gimli.' — Michael: 'Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Just tryin' to be helpful. I'll help. I'm a dragon slayer. Uh, ten-point power sword. Voom! Voom! That's him.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Dwight lobbies to be 'assistant team manager' — Michael: 'No, I am the team manager!' — Dwight: 'Assistant team manager?' — Michael: 'No.' — Dwight: 'Okay, we'll see who's working this weekend then.' — Michael immediately: 'Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.'

Dwight:Dwight to the first aid kit seeker: 'How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer. Not you.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'We'll be skins.' — Dwight immediately takes his shirt off — Michael: 'Come on, Dwight.' — Dwight: 'What? Shirts, on or off?' — Michael: 'On. Just put it on.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Yeah! In your face!' — Other player: 'Yeah, like that counted.' — a disputed basket immediately negating Dwight's celebration

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Dwight fouls his own teammate (Jim) — Michael: 'Same team, Dwight.' — Dwight: [no response implied, just continuing]

Dwight:Dwight accidentally scoring for the warehouse team and celebrating alone: 'Yes! Yeah! Yeah! In your face!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks what motivates people more than anything else; Dwight immediately answers 'Sex.' Michael: 'It's illegal. I can't do that.' Dwight: 'Torture.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking-head confessional: 'Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Plus, I could talk to her about the origins of my last name. It's all gold.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's advice to Dwight: 'If you hit a stall, you have a perfect fallback.' Dwight: 'What's that?' Jim: 'You buy a purse.' Dwight: 'I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls.' Jim: 'Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?' Dwight: 'No.' Jim: 'Okay, I do.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go.'

Dwight · Katy:Dwight approaches Katy and says: 'Hi, my name is Dwight Schrute, and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good Lord, look at these purses! This is something special.'

Dwight · Katy:Dwight stress-tests the purse by physically climbing in and out of it, explaining: 'Yes, well, I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight holds up a purse and says: 'This is the prettiest one of all. I'm gonna be the prettiest girl in the ball.' Jim watches from afar, whispers 'Oh, God, it's sad. It's so sad.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight asks Michael's permission to ask out Katy, citing rules. Michael confirms it's fine because she's not a permanent employee — then reveals: 'But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael about the ride home: 'It might be a ride home. Might be a ride home, and we stop for coffee and... dot, dot, dot.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Please... please... I am your inferior, and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'You cannot promise me or you won't promise me?' Michael: long pause. Then: 'Do you love her? I... I don't know. It's too early to tell. I... I don't know how I feel.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight realizes the espresso machine is the incentive prize: 'I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson.' Michael: 'Very easy to clean. Okay.' Dwight: 'Like he's gonna win anyway.'

Dwight · Pam · Kelly:Dwight confronts the women about what's written on the bathroom wall. He demands to know who wrote it. When someone mentions 'Dave Barry,' Dwight takes it seriously as a suspect.

Dwight:"Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less."

Michael · Dwight:Michael's Karnac the Magnificent bit: 'PLO, IRA, and the hot-dog stand behind the warehouse... Name three businesses that have better healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin.'

Dwight · Pam · office women:The women accuse Dwight of being a pervert for being in the ladies' room; Dwight protests he was investigating the bathroom wall graffiti.

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight debate keeping 'longest engagement' for Pam. Dwight: 'I just think, world's on disengagement, we're all expecting it, you know? That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married it gets funnier!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael says using the same joke every year 'comes across as lazy.' Dwight replies: 'Ow, lazy!'

Dwight:Dwight announces to the office that women will lose bathroom privileges and there will be 'two men's rooms' as punishment for the graffiti.

Michael · Dwight:Michael dismisses Dwight mid-sentence with 'Don't don't talk don't touch stop it — oddment!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's HR joke: He was on a 'very hot date with a girl from HR' and was about to take her bra off when she made him fill out 'six hours of paperwork.'

Dwight:Dwight's follow-up to Michael's HR joke: 'Like an AIDS test?'

Michael · Dwight:Michael says Dwight is 'sucking the funny out of the room' — then the music cue comes in too early and Michael is caught off-guard.

Dwight:Dwight announces he's a sheriff's deputy and then takes off his shirt to cushion Pam's head.

Dwight · Unknown:During the chaos of drunk Pam: 'It's ok I'm a sheriff's deputy.' Response: 'He's a volunteer!'

Dwight:Dwight to the documentary crew: 'Thanks, I do check her pupils to make sure that wasn't a concussion.' Camera operator: 'Yes that too, but I mean with the audio, great work!'

Dwight · Toby:Dwight to Toby: 'Where is the clitoris?' — followed by silence, then: 'On a website it said on the crest of the labia. What does that mean?'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight insists on accompanying Michael to his condo closing as his 'representative,' Michael corrects 'associate,' Dwight says 'same thing,' Michael: 'No it is not!'

Dwight:No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Michael · Dwight:Dwight, it's 50° outside, don't — / But then no one could see us.

Dwight:After Michael relents and lets Dwight put the top down, Dwight says 'I'm Terminator' — while riding in a convertible in 50° weather.

Dwight · Michael:This is smaller than your old place. / Yes, well I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So it's still an upgrade. / He doesn't know anything about property ownership. He's kind of an idiot.

Dwight:My grandfather left me a sixty acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice old farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Bill · Michael · Dwight:Also it's very accepting of all lifestyles. It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood. / Oh good, that's good. / Yeah. It's good to be accommodating of that. / Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Dwight · Michael:Neighbor threw his wife into the wall. Plasma screen hits the floor, totally smashed. / Well then I will get a warranty. / Warranties don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off. / Well I won't get a warranty. / Hush.

Michael · Dwight · Mortgage agent:10 year fixed over 30, 30 year total. / Ow, 30 years! / Ok ok. / Wow you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.

Dwight:Hey I have an idea — you know that extra bedroom, if the girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.

Dwight:A 30 year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls, so you couldn't hear other dead people.

Michael · Dwight:I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a home-owner, right? Good to be a home-owner, diversifying, this is good. This is fun, we're having fun! / Totally having fun!

Michael · Dwight:I have a surprise for you — for helping me out today. / You don't have to d— / No, no, I insist... and that is why I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.

Michael · Dwight:What the hell is a terrarium? / It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. / Oh, so an aquarium. / That will not come into this place, ok?

Dwight:My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.

Dwight · Michael:Question: what about carpooling? Who pays for the gas? / We take separate cars. / And question, can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine? / Why would we do that? / Just for fun. / No. / Question: who's the primary in the fire insurance?

Michael · Dwight:Dwight's rapid-fire negotiation questions: carpooling arrangements, driving each other's cars 'just for fun,' fire insurance primary — Michael revokes the offer mid-sentence.

Dwight:Thank god! It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. / Well, look, 2 bathrooms would have been nice, we just have but one. / And it's under the porch.

Dwight · Michael:You know, you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15-year on our beet farm, we paid it off early. / Yeah, well, nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. / Beets are the worst! / People loved beets! / Nobody likes beets. / Everyone loves beets. / Nobody likes beets, Dwight. / Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now — not a beet.

Pam · Jim · Dwight:And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. / Get on up here Dwight! / Silver medal. / Yep, but not as good as gold!

Dwight · Pam:Why are you playing the national hymn? / Because your condo is in America.

Dwight · Pam:What the hell is that? / Those are the doves.

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger and Tonto and Bonto.'

Michael · Ryan · Dwight:The count-off: Michael insists he is number one, refuses to let Ryan be number two, assigns him 'number 14' because 'Marjorie's not here today'

Michael · Dwight:Michael proposes 'Three Musketeers' then 'Three Stooges' for himself, Dwight, and Ryan

Dwight:Dwight's survival-kit book answer: 'Physician's Desk Reference. Hollowed out. Inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Question, did my shoes come off in the plane crash?'

Dwight:Dwight's desert island movie answer: 'The Crow.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's barely verbal response to Jim calling his name — 'Come on, Dwight, use words'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim suggests Dwight quit: 'Then Ryan wins.' Dwight: 'Yeah, you're right.' — treating workplace dynamics as a literal competition

Dwight:Dwight goes back into the burning building to retrieve Pam's cell phone

Michael · Dwight:Michael repeats the exact punchline: 'Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school.' Then Dwight confirms: 'That's exactly what I said.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam · Michael:The office collectively piles on Ryan: 'Toaster Oven 101. You failed?' / 'I'm so sorry.' / 'Hey, I know what'll impress everybody. I'll start a fire.' / 'Bad idea jeans.'

Dwight:Dwight interrogates Ryan after the fire: 'Was it worth it? Was it worth it, temp? No. Was it worth it? Really?'

Michael · Dwight:Michael compliments Dwight's costume as 'fantastic'; Dwight proudly says 'I sent away for it in July from a catalog'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's dramatic 'Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't' followed by a scare/startled reaction — implying Dwight triggered Michael with the costume

Michael · Dwight:Michael looks at Dwight's elaborate Sith Lord costume and asks 'What are you? A monk?'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'I am Sith Lord.' Michael dismisses it: 'Big deal.' Then aside to camera: 'Three round pieces of paper taped to his shirt.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight, wounded: 'This cost me $129.' Michael, walking away: 'Ass.'

Michael · Ryan · Dwight:Ryan's budget analysis finds one department with three people doing two people's work; Michael excitedly says 'Who do you think it should be?' Ryan: 'Jim.' Michael: 'No, Jim brings in money.'

Michael · Dwight · Ryan:Dwight begging not to be fired while Michael and others debate it in front of him — the escalating crosstalk of 'Not Dwight / I'm not saying that's what he said / I know that's what he said'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's reference call for Dwight: promises the potential employer that if Dwight doesn't 'meet, nay, exceed, every one of your wildest expectations' Michael will hold himself 'personally and financially responsible'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight tries to fire Stanley: 'I've got some bad news. You're fired.' Stanley: 'No.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks how Dwight's firing of Stanley went; Dwight: 'He wouldn't listen to me.' Michael: 'If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.' Michael: 'I don't wanna fire Stanley, I never said that.'

Dwight:Dwight on the phone with Cumberland Mills: 'What does it say under martial arts training?' and immediately: 'Oh okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?'

Dwight:Dwight's loyalty speech: 'I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.'

Dwight:Dwight arguing that martial arts training IS relevant, then: 'I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ'

Dwight:Dwight to Cumberland Mills recruiter: 'You can go to hell too. And I will see you there...burning.' Then immediately: 'Okay wait. So you'll let me know when you've made a decision?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim has moved Dwight's entire desk — with everything on it — to an unexpected location, prompting Dwight's panicked 'Where is my desk?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim playing 'Hot and Cold' as Dwight wanders around the office looking for his desk — 'Colder.' / 'Warmer.' / 'Cold. Cold. Cold. Back up.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim guides Dwight through 'warmer/warmer/warmer/cold/cold/back up' in the hot-cold game while Dwight follows instructions

Jim · Dwight:'Warmer. Hot. Red hot. Hot. Very hot.' — culminating in Dwight finding his desk in an absurd location

Jim · Dwight:Jim calls Dwight about paper pricing — information he has clearly asked for many times before as a prank mechanism

Dwight · Jim:Dwight answers the phone 'Dwight Schrute. Hi, Dwight.' — answering his own greeting

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan asks if Dwight's call was from his mom; Dwight clarifies it was his sensei. Ryan: 'Oh, I thought it was your mom.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.' Dwight: 'Assistant Sensei.'

Dwight:Dwight's karate talking-head confessional — demonstrating kicks while counting ('Two! / Dwight, snap your kick back. / Three!') with his sensei coaching him over the phone

Dwight:Dwight: 'Not that a lot of people here in America know what a sempai is. But it's equally as respected as a sensei.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight: 'As sempai, do you ever think that there's gonna be a day where humans and robots can peacefully coexist?' Dwight begins to answer earnestly: 'Impossible. The way they're programmed...'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'You're mocking me.' Jim: 'No, I'm not.' Dwight: 'Well, let me offer you a little piece of advice...'

Jim · Dwight:Jim steals Dwight's purple belt. Dwight: 'Okay, give that back to me.' Jim: 'Say please.' Dwight: 'No.' Jim: 'Please? Please!' Dwight: 'Good. And it absolutely is a toy.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael puts Dwight in a sleeper hold from behind: 'Sleeper hold! Bedtime for Bonzo.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking-head after being put in a sleeper hold: 'Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.'

Michael · Dwight · Kelly:Michael approaches Dwight in the kitchen, then says: 'Good. Wow, that's actually pretty cool, Dwight. Excellent. Now, watch. Let me take you from behind.' Kelly: 'What?' Michael: 'Watch out, Kelly, he might sucker punch you.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'I didn't sucker punch you, Michael. In case you'd remember, I was defending my honor.' Michael: 'Oh, is that it? Like a samurai.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael looks at Japanese writing on the dojo wall: 'I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.' Dwight: 'No, it's not.' Michael: 'I think it is, a guy told me about that.' Dwight: 'Actually it's a symbol for eternal discipline.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tricks Dwight into looking at his palm: 'Your love line... I'm just kidding. I can't see anything.' Dwight: 'Look closer.' Jim: 'Oh, okay. One point for me.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight picks up Pam and carries her around: 'Hey, put me down. Put me down!' / 'Oh my God! Hey, put me down!'

Dwight · Michael:Michael awards a point to Dwight — Dwight screams 'Eat it!' and does a victory gesture at Michael

Michael · Dwight:Dwight scores the first point: 'Dwight, one point.' / Michael: 'No way! Okay!' / 'Eat it!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael tries to pull down Dwight's pants as a fight move: 'I got his pants. That was my pants.' 'No points for pants.'

Dwight:Dwight screaming at Michael after seeing him with pulled-down pants: 'God, you look like such an idiot!'

Michael · Dwight · Sensei:The fight devolves into chaos: Dwight puts something over Michael's head, Michael screams 'I win! I win!' while being restrained, Dwight screams 'Eight points, nine points' while the sensei yells 'Break!'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight comes to Pam to change his emergency contact from Michael Scott to 'The Hospital' with the number 911.

Michael · Dwight · Toby:Michael and Dwight in the office, late — Dwight: 'Michael, did you finish yet?' Michael: 'This close.' Dwight: 'Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday?' Toby: 'We wanna go home.' Michael: 'Well, you don't even have anybody to go home to, Toby, so...'

Dwight:Dwight helps Michael sign the paperwork, saying 'This is illegal. I don't care.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael promotes Dwight from 'Assistant to the Regional Manager' to 'Assistant Regional Manager.' Dwight immediately assumes he gets Michael's office. Michael: 'No, no. Title change only.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'Thank you, Sensei.' Michael: 'And, ditto.'

Michael · Dwight:Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan. Thank you. Kiss ass.

Dwight · Jim:This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy. You took something that doesn't belong to you. / Do you want to play the lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?

Dwight:Arrgh! Num num num. That's delicious!

Jim · Phyllis · Dwight:Inside the F.B.I., Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta-Jones enters. Sir, you have some messages. Not now! They're important. Okay, what are they? The first message is... I love you. That's from me. Not in 1,000 years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk.

Jim · Dwight:If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang. / Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight. / Thank you for noticing.

Oscar · Dwight:Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be comfortable in my private jet. Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage. I forget it, brotha.

Jim · Dwight:Samuel, you are such an idiot! You are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. Wait, who's Dwigt?

Dwight · Jim:Okay, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end. / Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so... / Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim.

Dwight:My uncle bought me some fireworks. And anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.

Dwight · office staff:Whoa! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Ha! Whoo-hoo!

Dwight:His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports.

Dwight · Michael:Hello, Dwight. Did you do her? Who? Jan Levinson-Gould. Uh, no, no, no Gould.

Dwight · Michael:Did you do her? / This is none of your affair. / Because she is your boss. And she is your boss. And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman.

Michael · Dwight:Michael on a fitness orb in the office trying to get Dwight to buy one

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.' Jim: 'Done.'

Michael · Dwight:"More enjoyable sex. You are not having sex."

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim the tip for his performance review is to suggest double-tabbed manila file folders — "We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders." "Oh yes we do." "No we don't."

Jim · Dwight:Jim announces he's going to ask for a pay decrease. Dwight: "That is so stupid." Jim: "What if he gives it to you?" Jim: "Then I win."

Dwight:I need to stay focused. And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday. Please don't call me and we'll see how things go on Monday.

Dwight · Ryan · Kevin · Oscar:Office gossip chain: "That's my girlfriend." / "I heard they made out and had sex." / "I heard they just made out." / "Well, I heard they made out... and had sex."

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: "Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved." — followed immediately by the cut implying he's been gossiping about exactly this

Jim · Dwight:The Apprentice conversation: Dwight thinks it's Thursday and panics about missing the show he watches every Thursday night.

Michael · Dwight:Michael accidentally asks who wants to come in on Saturday — then immediately realizes Dwight is in the room and it might expose the prank

Michael · Dwight:Dwight arrives for his performance review. Michael: "Your performance has been adequate. You may leave. Goodbye."

Dwight · Michael · Jan:Dwight's case for a raise: "Let me bring up one word. Dedication." — followed by a pause — "I have never been late." / "I come in on holidays." Jan: "You do? How do you get in?" Dwight: "I have a copy of your key." Michael: "That's a serious offense." Jan: "That is a serious offense."

Dwight:Dwight: "As is toying with a man's heart."

Dwight:Dwight suggests that deer jerky is an aphrodisiac and recommends Jan and Michael visit the Antler Lodge to discuss his raise

Dwight · Michael · Jan:Dwight's closing argument for his raise quotes Lex Luthor: '"Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."' Michael: 'That's from Superman?' Dwight: 'Smallville.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight concludes his raise argument: 'And in conclusion, I think Lex Luthor said it best when he said, Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of.' Michael: 'That's from Superman?' Dwight: 'Smallville.' Pause. 'And that is why I feel I deserve this raise.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Final scene: Michael checks his watch and notices Dwight is absent. "Never missed a day my ass." — then Dwight bursts in at 20:55: "I'm here! I'm here! It's okay!"

Dwight:Dwight bursts through the office door screaming 'I'm here! I'm here! It's okay!' — disheveled, clearly having rushed in after a night out

Dwight · Michael:Dwight catalogues all the ways Michael could suddenly die: brain aneurysm, car, bus, train, poison, falling down a well, stepping on a mine, choking

Jim · Dwight · Angela:Jim confessional: 'Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to delete all of her sensitive e-mails. Immediately!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight for advice about 'a friend' who likes two women at work — one tall and brunette, one short, blond, perky, and 'kind of judgmental' — clearly describing Pam and Katie

Dwight:Dwight's response to Jim's romantic dilemma: 'Does he have access to their medical records?'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'One of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'My roommate wants to meet everybody, because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up.' Cut to Dwight: 'He is very real.'

Dwight:Dwight's response to off-camera statement: 'He is very real.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight finds out about Jim's party via internet directions; Jim tries to manage the situation by telling Dwight it's a surprise party for Michael

Michael · Dwight:Michael turns to Dwight as last resort: 'Dwight. Oh, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hanging tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael offers to watch 'Battleship Galaxy' — Dwight corrects him: 'Battlestar Galactica.' Michael: 'That's, whatever stupid show you want to watch, we're watching it.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight declines Michael's invitation: 'I've got plans. I have to go to practice.' Michael: 'Soccer practice?' Dwight: 'Clarinet.' Michael: 'You too, Dwight?'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'Unfortunately I've got plans. I have to go to practice.' / Michael: 'I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.' / Dwight: 'Clarinet.'

Dwight:Dwight about his Birkenstocks: 'I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight corners Jim at the party to ask when the 'guest of honor' is coming, excited for Michael's surprise

Party Guests · Michael · Dwight:Everyone yells 'SURPRISE!' — Michael thinks this is indeed a surprise party for him, completing Dwight's deception and Michael's delusion simultaneously

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight struggling to force an enormous Christmas tree through the office door, with branches breaking and both of them shouting contradictory instructions at each other

Dwight · Michael:"Ah, I got a splinter." / "Well, suck it up, we all have problems."

Dwight · Michael:Dwight wants to be Santa; Michael refuses. Dwight: "I would like to be the elf." Michael: "That makes sense, because he has elfish features."

Dwight:"I could get some flares from my car." — Dwight, offering car emergency flares as Christmas tree lighting enhancement

Dwight:Dwight's Yankee Swap gift reveal: paint ball pellets plus "two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute"

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: "Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily like two grand. Take that, Saddam."

Jim · Dwight:Jim attempting to trade with Dwight for the teapot — offers a shamrock keychain: "A real man makes his own luck. Billy Zane, 'Titanic'."

Dwight:Dwight explains he wants the teapot because he gets sinus infections — plans to pour tea directly into his nose

Jim · Dwight:Jim has placed all of Dwight's desk items inside a vending machine, requiring Dwight to buy them back with coins

Dwight:Dwight slowly counts out nickels — the bit runs nearly 40 seconds of him counting '$0.05, $0.10, $0.15...' to buy back his own belongings

Dwight:'Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right? I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael assigns Dwight the role of Gilligan; Dwight says 'Cool!' — then immediately reverses when told Gilligan is not the captain

Dwight · Michael:Dwight volunteers to hold the limbo stick, insisting 'I'm stronger' when Michael suggests it's usually a woman

Michael · Dwight:Michael rewards Dwight by letting him 'steer the ship' — which turns out to be a fake wheel. Dwight steers for an hour.

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four and I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim confessional: 'I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?' — immediately followed by Dwight's proud response that Captain Jack gave him real responsibility

Dwight:Dwight talking head: 'He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.'

Dwight:'I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight.' — Dwight confessional about his own engagement

Jim · Dwight:Episode closing: Dwight confidently navigating, Jim tells him 'It's a fake wheel, dummy.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight volunteers to rescue Michael despite Michael explicitly not wanting him

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight immediately crashes his car into a pole while rushing to rescue Michael

Dwight:Dwight's confessional is interrupted — he appears to have forgotten what he was saying mid-sentence

Michael · Dwight:Michael demands specific food: dark meat rotisserie chicken, yams from the Stroudsburg location specifically, and is outraged the gas station didn't have them

Dwight · Pam:Dwight demonstrates the 'indestructible' CD case to Pam by having her throw it — it breaks immediately

Dwight:Dwight's apparently inappropriate attempt to flirt with the temp/someone: 'Do you like candy? Because you're sweeter than candy.'

Dwight:Someone (Dwight) apparently dives into food or something immediately and without social convention: 'Wow, you just dive right in. You know, around age 12, I just started going for it.'

Michael · Billy · Dwight:Michael repeatedly interrupts Billy's actual property management announcements with raised hands and disability parallels

Dwight · Jim:Dwight doing 'Vietnam sounds' — possibly moaning, humming, or making sound effects — on the way to the elevator

Dwight · Pam:Dwight: 'Tired. Can't lay down. Wake up!' — Pam tells him to take a rake...

Pam · Dwight:Pam says goodbye to Dwight as if he's going off to war, 'It's gonna be different.' Dwight doesn't understand why. 'It's just hard to explain.' 'Oh, Pam, you're adorable.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight thinks they're going to Chuck E. Cheese and expresses exhaustion with it: 'Oh, God. I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.'

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight finds a bottle under the seat and drinks from it in the van on the way to the hospital

Jim · Dwight · Michael:'Dwight, what is your middle name?' 'Danger.' '...Something with a K.' 'It's Kurt.' 'Wow, I'm so sad that I know that.'

Michael · Doctor · Dwight:Doctor: 'Does the skin look red and swollen?' Michael: 'That's what she said.' Doctor's reaction. Michael: 'That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.'

Dwight · MRI Technician:The MRI technician trying to get Dwight to follow breathing instructions: 'Sir, stop that. Stop... stop that.' — presumably Dwight is doing the wrong thing confidently

Jim · Dwight:Jim tries to get Dwight with 'does this place smell like updog' and Dwight almost bites but then catches himself — 'Damn it'

Dwight · Unknown office member:Dwight falls completely for the updog prank — 'Gotcha!' / 'Oh God!' — camera presumably catches his mortified face

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Oscar, dusting. Where is Oscar?' 'He's out sick.' 'That's unacceptable.' Dwight immediately: 'I agree. It's unacceptable.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight insisting on doing the talking during the Oscar call while also wanting credit for being present: 'Let him know I'm here though' / 'What difference does it make?'

Dwight:Dwight interrupts to ask Oscar his symptoms because he's on WebMD — 'Checks out.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'He sounded sick — which is exactly how you'd want to sound if you wanted someone to think you were sick.' Dwight: 'That's exactly what I was thinking.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'Question, may I investigate?' Michael: 'Yeah, drop what you're doing. Make this a priority.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight delegates spring cleaning to Ryan: 'Do you think, or do you know?' Ryan: 'I think.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight catches Oscar on the phone from the pharmacy, confronting him: 'So, sounds like you're too sick to come into work, but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight calls Oscar: 'I called six minutes ago and no one answered — so I was wondering if you could explain...' then realizes Oscar is at the pharmacy

Dwight:Dwight's talking head on how to detect lying — 'The liar will avoid direct eye contact... unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone, so none of this is useful.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight confronts Michael: 'Fact, you are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact, you are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael deflects Dwight's interrogation by making up a fake story about the Oscar investigation — Dwight becomes satisfied and thanks him

Dwight · Michael:Dwight reports his Oscar investigation to Michael; Michael cuts him off: 'Just go to his house and see if he's sick.' Dwight: 'I could've done this investigation in like 20 minutes. Including prep time?'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: surveillance of ex-girlfriend for six nights — 'Turns out she was. With a couple of guys, actually, so. Mystery solved.'

Dwight:Dwight surveilling Oscar's house: 'This is it. There he is. He's been gone for at least two... Who is that? Come to Papa.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight finds Oscar at the ice skating rink: 'Oh man, you are so busted. Ice skates. Shopping bags. I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.'

Dwight · Oscar · Gil:Dwight meets Gil at the skating rink and immediately pivots to extortion: 'I don't tell Michael, and in exchange, you owe me one great, big, giant favor redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance? Hmm, probably. But now I know something he doesn't want me to know... Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's sake.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:The discovery of something horrible in Michael's office: 'Whoa! God! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! What? Yuck! Wow, what happened in there?' ... 'How could that happen? How could... Right in the middle of the carpet.'

Michael · Dwight:After the cleaning lady scrubs the stain: 'It's still stinky. That is worse. She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'A customer. Well, sound the alarm.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael gives Dwight a charley horse; Dwight: 'You shouldn't have hit me, Michael.' Michael: 'Okay.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael initiates 'Sales on Accounting' raid: 'Let's send up Accounting. Old-fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting.' He and Dwight sweep into Accounting and knock things off desks.

Michael · Dwight:The raid on Accounting plays out: Michael and Dwight storm the area knocking things over, yelling 'Sales rules! Yes! Yeah!'

Dwight:Dwight on the phone repeatedly trying to be the 107th caller for a radio contest, interrupting the workplace

Dwight:Dwight finally succeeds: 'Am I the 107th caller?' — after multiple failed attempts earlier in the scene

Dwight:Dwight talking head: 'Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim starts to ask Dwight about Kelly: 'What do you think of Kelly?' Dwight: 'I don't know. It depends if you like a little junk in...' Jim: 'She's really cool.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: "That's a terrible idea. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing."

Michael · Dwight:Michael trying to come up with bonding topics for the men: 'Ponies. / No. / How about rainbows? / No. / Flowers. / That's dangerous, Michael.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks Dwight to come to New York. Dwight: 'And you want me to come with you.' Michael: 'No. Opposite of that.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'It's New York, city of love.'

Dwight:Dwight discovers a mysterious gift on his desk and interrogates it: 'What's this? What is this?... Yeah, but who put it here and for what purpose?'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'It's me. I'm the bobble-head.' — delivered with barely contained joy

Angela · Dwight:Angela and the mystery gift-giver: 'Did you hear? Somebody totally rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten.' 'I wouldn't know anything about that. But I'm glad you enjoyed it.'

Pam · Dwight:Pam warns Dwight: 'You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here.' Dwight: 'No, Pam, just, um...'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight describes his girlfriend to Pam without naming her: 'She's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of...' Pam: 'Tightly wound?'

Pam · Dwight:Pam: 'Sometimes the gift is really about the gesture... instead of what it is.' Dwight: 'You mean like a ham?'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight: 'Okay, shut up. I know exactly what to do.' — after Pam says it's about caring, not what the gift is

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.'

Michael · Dwight:'That's what she said.' — Dwight: 'I don't get it.' — Michael: 'Grapes, seductive. Fruit, grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight says 'absofruitly' instead of 'absolutely' — Michael: 'Fruit, grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'I can't do this.' — Michael: 'That's because you're incapable of doing it. Because you don't know how. Because you have no skills.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'If you have a question, you should ask me.' — Dwight: 'I'll try and think of one.' — Michael: 'Don't try to think of a question to humor me. Just try not to be such an idiot.' — Dwight: 'Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?' — Michael: 'Insult.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do. But I don't care.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael's public speaking joke lesson: 'What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? A saleswoman has a vagina.' — Jim: 'It's a joke, Dwight, it's not a sex ed class.' — Dwight: 'But I'm right.'

Dwight · Office Staff:Dwight's attempt to demonstrate public speaking: announcing a serious highway accident, Brad Pitt being in it, Brad Pitt will never act again, no bonuses, and the branch is closing — escalating lies stacked on top of each other to a panicking office

Michael · Dwight:Michael instructs Dwight: 'Show us what you have learned today.' — Dwight stands and delivers: 'Good morning, Vietnam!'

Dwight · Michael · Office Staff:Dwight: 'I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates.' — Coworker: 'No, we're not.' — Dwight: 'Yes, you are.' — Michael: 'Well, it's mostly made up.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim asks Dwight where he'd travel; Dwight says he'd go to New Zealand 'and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mt. Doom. Now just leave me alone.'

Angela · Dwight:Angela, with complete sincerity, says 'The very best of luck to you, Dwight' before he goes on stage

Dwight · Michael:Dwight, about to give the speech, suddenly claims to feel 'under the weather' and says he will 'go home and rest'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'I've never ever seen you take a sick day.' — Dwight: 'Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us.'

Emcee · Dwight:The emcee mispronounces Dwight's last name as 'Schroot' instead of 'Schrute'

Michael · Dwight:Michael introduces Dwight back to the stage: 'Good luck. That is a tough crowd.'

Dwight:Dwight's full Mussolini-ized speech: 'Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation which everyone finds during the day...'

Dwight:Dwight's speech continues with full fascist oratory: 'Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness?...' — applied entirely to paper sales

Dwight:'Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you, once more, rise and be worthy of this historical hour!'

Dwight:Jim's talking head during the speech: 'Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich every day for lunch. I don't know, if I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.'

Dwight:Dwight's speech continues: 'No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word... I say, salesmen and women... of the world, unite!'

Dwight:'We must never acquiesce. For it is together! Together that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland, for it is... Together that we prevail!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's bar story: a woman orders a drink, gets IDed, doesn't have her ID, says she'll go get it, and hasn't come back — Michael recounts this as an absolutely riveting tale to Dwight

Michael · Dwight:Michael reluctantly addresses the children with a flat 'Hi, children.' after being pushed by Dwight.

Michael · Jim · Dwight:That's Batman. That's Batman. Okay. I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys? The ocean. I work with a bunch of nerds.

Jim · Dwight:We'd have to explain everything. It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.

Dwight · Abby:Hey, Abby, do you wanna help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool. No thanks.

Dwight · Michael · Sasha:You broke my hand! There is no way that hurt. Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. Little girl, come over here. Shake my hand. Come on. I don't have all day. I don't feel anything. Nothing. You're so weak.

Dwight · Jakey:You call your mom, Meredith? That's very disrespectful.

Dwight · Jakey:Whatever, okay? You can refer to me as Mr. Schrute. That's your name? Mr. Poop? Schrute. Mr. Schrute. Sure, Mr. Poop.

Dwight · Sasha:Child calls Dwight 'Mr. Poop' after mishearing 'Schrute.' Dwight corrects her multiple times. She persists. He concedes: 'Schrute.'

Dwight:That was Greensleeves, a traditional English ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn.

Dwight:Dwight reads Struwwelpeter to children: 'And then cuts their thumbs clean off.' There's a photo.

Michael · Dwight · Child:What's a Nazi? Nazi was a fascist movement... Don't... From the 1930s in Germany... Don't, don't talk about Nazis in front of... You know what? They're gonna have nightmares. Why don't you just shut it?

Dwight:I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.

Dwight:I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities.

Ryan · Dwight · Michael:I'm already getting the pizzas from Brunetti's, so... / You know, I can go with him. No! I will go.

Jakey · Dwight:Mr. Poop, I have to tell you something. Okay. But first, that's not my name. You're ugly.

Dwight:Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school.

Meredith · Dwight:Meredith's daughter has apparently stolen items, and Meredith's response when they're returned is 'Oh, that's okay. She can keep those. Believe me, she has enough toys.'

Dwight:The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood.

Dwight:No, they didn't eat the children. It never came to that.

Delivery Person · Michael · Dwight:Hi. Delivery for Michael Scott. / Here we go. Okay, this is great. / Thank you, my friends, she is perfect. / Dwight, may I have your chair please? And some singles, if you will.

Michael · Dwight:A delivery arrives; Michael clears space and asks Dwight for his chair and 'some singles' — it's a strippergram. Dwight complies without question.

Michael · Dwight:The barbershop quartet sings 'For the Longest Time' (by Billy Joel). Michael stops them: 'Yeah, when it's on the radio.' Then: 'My birthday blows.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael sulks that 'nobody even signed my birthday poster' and that 'apparently my mother is the only one who cares enough to send me anything.' Dwight replies: 'I probably care more than she does.'

Dwight:Dwight announces 'It is 11:23 exactly. The exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight announces a Hebrew tradition of hoisting the birthday boy on a chair, then tries to recruit reluctant colleagues to lift Michael.

Dwight · Michael · Oscar:The chair-hoisting attempt: colleagues half-heartedly lift Michael, something goes wrong, Oscar disclaims responsibility: 'It wasn't me.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight to Ryan: 'Hey, temp, you know, we still got five feet of sandwich left.' Ryan: 'Someone ate three feet of that thing?' Dwight: 'Hell, yeah.'

Dwight:Dwight confronts someone about their absence: 'Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom. Because I kicked in all the stalls.' Response: 'That's an invasion of privacy, so I'm going to tell Michael.'

Unknown Character · Dwight:'That's an invasion of privacy. So I'm going to tell Michael.' — someone threatening to tell Michael about a privacy violation committed while investigating a privacy violation

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin: 'Is this trip in any way related to your birthday?' Dwight: 'How dare you sir. You're gross.'

Dwight · Kevin:Kevin is given a jersey at the rink; everyone tells him to 'turn it around.' It's revealed to be from Dwight — number 1. Dwight: 'From Dwight. Number one!'

Dwight · Kevin:Dwight ordering Kevin to spit out whatever he's chewing as part of drug testing protocol

Dwight · Office Worker:Someone in the office compliments Dwight — 'You look cute today, Dwight.' He responds: 'Thanks, girl.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'I like the people I work with generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends.'

Dwight:'And by the way, I haven't.' — Dwight's follow-up beat confirming he has made zero friends

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight's interrogation of Ryan: 'Your ass is on the line, Mister!' followed by Ryan calmly answering 'Six' when asked what time he left

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight threatens to search Ryan's car 'the hard way' — which turns out to be going to the police station on his lunch break to get a warrant

Dwight:Dwight: 'If you are attempting to compliment me, you have done a very good job.' (responding to being called a narc) / 'I am very proud of being a narc.'

Dwight:Dwight interviews Oscar: 'Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight asks Oscar: 'Have you ever... pooped a balloon?'

Dwight:Dwight confessional after Oscar leaves: 'He sure left in a hurry. I don't wanna blow this.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight holds up the drug evidence: 'Do you know what this is?' / Jim: 'Yes, it's marijuana.' / Dwight: 'How do you know that?' / Jim: 'It's labeled.' / Dwight: 'Dammit.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.' Jim: 'No. It's marijuana.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Jim: 'Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.' Jim: 'I would remember.' Dwight: 'Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?' Jim: 'That's not how it works.' Dwight: 'Now, how do you know how it works?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight interrupts his own interview by switching to asking Jim to do a Stanley impression — having heard from Pam that Jim does impressions

Dwight:Dwight confessional: '[Jim] does everyone in the office. Hmm.' — delivered with dawning, slightly jealous realization

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley says 'I do not think that is funny.' Dwight says the exact same phrase simultaneously — then 'Jinx. Buy me a coke. No no no! No talking.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a Coke. Those are the rules of Jinx. And they are unflinchingly rigid.'

Dwight:The vending machine is sold out of Coke — Dwight announces 'Sold out! That has never happened in the history of Jinx!'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight takes Jim aside: 'I know you're innocent. But I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.' — conducting a fake interview for appearances

Dwight:Dwight calls the testing lab: 'Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. We test a lot of urine. Mine was green. Oh, right. How are you? I'm all better.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight approaches a coworker (implied to be Pam based on context) to request clean urine — his opening: 'I need your urine.'

Dwight:'Like, in a cup?' / Dwight: 'Yes, in a cup. We're not animals, Dwight.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional about Pam providing urine: 'Do you want to give Michael your urine?' / Dwight: 'I want him to have all the urine he needs.'

Dwight:Dwight to Pam regarding giving permission: 'You're not gonna get my permission on this. I know that. Don't you think I know that?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'You're not gonna get my permission on this. I know that. Don't you think I know that?'

Dwight:Dwight asks the drug tester if they're hiring — 'You wanna work at the urinalysis lab?' / Dwight: 'Yeah, maybe.'

Dwight:Dwight's family history: 'My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name? Dwiged Schrued. Amish.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional about his father — beloved man who cheated at games but never told him until years later. 'I was shocked when I found out.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim sitting silently under Jinx while Dwight tries to get him to confess something — 'You look like you wanna tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim (unable to speak due to jinx) sits across from Dwight during the investigation while Dwight tries to get him to confess something; Jim just stares

Jim · Dwight:Jim finally breaks Jinx by buying Dwight a magazine instead of a Coke — 'I'd like a magazine.' / Lab worker: 'We just need urine, sir.' / Dwight: 'I'd still like one.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim he passed thanks to 'your untainted pee'; Jim looks at camera

Dwight:Dwight resigns from the Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy position because he violated his oath by falsifying Michael's drug test

Jim · Dwight:Jim buys Dwight's Coke from him — establishing contact — 'I haven't talked to you in hours, and it's been weird.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael 'rewards' Dwight with a self-made certificate: 'Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary volunteer corporal in charge of assisting all activity security.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'Can I have a gun?' Michael: 'No. I don't have a gun.' Dwight: 'Okay. I'll have to bring in my bow staff.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight immediately pivots to his new security supervisor duties: 'How many orange traffic cones do you have?' Michael: 'Two.' Dwight: 'Oh... God.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight wearing clown paint for his ID photo — 'What is on your face? Is that a disguise?' 'Clown paint.'

Dwight:Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Toby · Dwight · Jim:Toby has a standing Friday 4pm appointment with Dwight to file grievances against Jim. The box labeled as a 'special file in New York' is just a box in Toby's office.

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight attempts to kiss Meredith (revealed complaint), then insists 'Redact it. Redact it.' while Meredith muses 'I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.'

Dwight · Toby:Dwight: 'Question. When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?' Toby: 'Sure.' — Dwight believing in the fictional 'permanent file in New York.'

Dwight:Dwight refuses to smile for his ID photo. 'Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight's ID badge lists his middle name as 'Fart' instead of 'Kurt.' Michael narrates this to camera: 'What did I write?'

Dwight · Toby:Dwight discovers Toby gave Jim the box of grievances. 'What box?' — Dwight's four years of complaints revealed to be sitting in an office box all along.

Dwight:Dwight's immediate nuclear ultimatum: 'I cannot work with Jim anymore. Either he goes or I go. You choose! Him or me!'

Dwight:Dwight shows Jim a Stamford sales manager posting. 'Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you 'cause I'll still be working here.'

Dwight:Dwight leading the office in chanting 'Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!' to get Jim moved to Stamford.

Michael · Jim · Dwight:Jim's grievances read aloud: crayons replacing pens, everyone calling Dwight 'Dwayne' for $5 each, a bloody glove planted in Dwight's desk with Jim claiming Dwight might be 'the real murderer.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's prank: telling Dwight there's an abandoned infant in the women's room. 'When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.' 'Gag.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight's shared talking head about whether Stamford would be good: 'It's a good market. Higher volume.' Dwight: 'Maybe we should both go.' Jim: 'I have a girlfriend.' Dwight: 'Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight claims he can win at roulette through 'mind control' and that he's had this power since he was 8 or 9

Jim · Dwight · Office Staff:Jim's extended 'telekinesis' performance — the full 30-second silence as everyone waits for him to move the coat rack

Michael · Oscar · Dwight:Michael: 'I will donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS' — and the ensuing confusion about 'Afghani' vs 'afghan' (dog vs shawl) vs 'Afghanistanis'

Michael · Darryl · Dwight:Michael tries to get fire eaters in a paper warehouse; Dwight: 'Actually, it's owned by Beekman Properties and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's confessional: Michael said 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael at poker: 'Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?' — and the dealer shuts it down immediately

Dwight:Dwight's bluffing confessional: 'Bluffing is a key part of poker. Which is too bad because I am not very good at bluffing.' / camera cut to Dwight at the table / 'Did you believe me?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's fake poker tell: Jim coughs; Dwight folds. Confessional: 'Every time I cough, he folds.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight and Angela at craps: 'Good luck, Dwight.' — Angela's deadpan encouragement as a rare moment of warmth

Michael · Dwight:'Can you tell who's gay and who's not?' 'Of course.' 'What about Oscar?' 'Absolutely not.' 'Well, he is.' 'Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'There could be others. I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.' Dwight: 'You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.' Michael: 'I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.'

Michael · Dwight:'Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.' 'I really don't think so.' 'I don't know. I can imagine her with another woman. Can't you?'

Michael · Dwight:'Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.' 'That's ridiculous.' 'Yeah, probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'That's ridiculous.' / Michael: 'Yeah, probably.' / Dwight: 'He didn't tell the truth a lot.'

Michael · Dwight:'Let's call him and get the website.' 'Definitely.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight calls Sharper Image to check for gaydar — 'It's sold out.' / Michael: 'I'll try Brookstone.'

Dwight:Dwight discovers his calculator in Jell-O: 'Okay. Who put my calculator in Jell-O?'

Dwight:Dwight's escalating response: 'Good one. But, uh, seriously. Guys, who did this?' → 'Seriously, guys. Who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jell-O or I'm gonna lose my freakin' mind!'

Pam · Dwight · Michael:Pam announces Dwight is watching gay pornography on his computer — 'Uh, Michael knows, Pam. Okay, he asked me to do this just for him.'

Michael · Dwight · Oscar:'Oh, damn popups.' / 'What are you doing?' / 'Watching some of your friends.' / 'This is stupid. Excuse me. Don't touch me. Help! Ow.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.'

Dwight:Dwight talking head after the kiss: 'Michael appears to be gay too. And yet, he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's note to Dwight on the Jell-O prank: 'I hope this helps. Jim.' — and we infer the calculator has been restored, meaning Jim set this up before he left

Dwight:Dwight's reaction to the Jell-O note: 'Nice.' — then Dwight discovering the gaydar works on Meredith

Michael · Dwight:Michael packing: 'Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms.' Dwight reacts: 'Yeeeash.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight repeatedly asking Michael for his neck pillow back on the bus/car, Michael ignoring him.

Jim · Dwight:Dwight to Jim about his commission question: 'Oh, Dwight, I missed you so much.' Jim: 'You're so immature.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim and Dwight arrive in their hotel room with multiple liquor bottles and a dart board. Dwight: 'Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget?'

Michael · Dwight:Michael offering to do a shot with Dwight: Dwight: 'I'll do a shot with you, Michael.' Michael: 'Yechh, don't be gross. It's not even lunch yet.'

Dwight:The explanation for why they call someone 'The Bus': 'Because he's afraid to fly.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks Dwight to dig up dirt on Josh: 'Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.' Dwight: 'I'll talk to my buddy down at the station stat.'

Dwight:Dwight's background check on Josh: 'He wasn't volunteering today.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim uses Dwight's room key to enter Dwight's room. Confessional: 'What can I say? Old habits die hard.' Then inside Dwight's room, discovers: 'Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker.'

Dwight:Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won't say who. / I don't approve. I don't.

Dwight:Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carole, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

Angela · Dwight:Dwight, you should be running this office. / Michael would never let me. / It's not up to Michael, it's Jan's call.

Dwight · Jan:Dwight calls Jan and offers to meet her at a Liz Claiborne outlet — because he has catalogued her blouse brands.

Dwight:Noted.

Jan · Dwight:Jan's shopping bags visible as she meets Dwight — she did go to the Liz Claiborne outlet.

Dwight:Did you get anything good? New blouse? Halter-top? Camisole? Teddy?

Dwight · Jan:I could save the branch. Really? If you let me run it.

Dwight:The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. But once I did it, I didn't look back. And mostly I feel that Michael would approve.

Dwight:And I could care less about my co-workers.

Dwight:I want the branch. And I await your decision.

Dwight:Oh, by the way, there's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings.

Dwight:You were at the dentist?

Dwight:Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple of hours after you've had a crown put in.

Dwight:They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding. So...

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'What's his name?' Dwight (long pause): 'Crentist.'

Michael · Dwight:Crentist. / Your dentist's name is Crentist? / Yeah. / Sounds a lot like dentist. / Maybe that's why he became a dentist.

Dwight:Let me see your teeth. Let me see them. Let me see them.

Dwight · Michael:You should floss them. / I know.

Dwight:Well, then. / I'm glad you're okay.

Michael · Dwight:She demoted me. / No. / Yeah. / You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job.

Michael · Dwight:I am Assistant Regional Manager. / Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Dwight · Michael:Thank you, Michael, for staying on, I really appreciate it. / Oh... Hey, hey. / I can't imagine this place without you. / Can't you? That's so nice.

Michael · Dwight:Well, I guess we should go tell the troops. / Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike.

Dwight:I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black with ferocity!

Dwight · Angela:We can make a difference here. / I will make a difference here.

Dwight:Oh, please! Don't be naive. / But you can be in charge of the women.

Dwight · Angela:Oh, please! Don't be naive. / But you can be in charge of the women.

Dwight · Michael:No, thank you. / It's a corporate lease, Dwight, you've earned it. / No, thanks. / What? / Not my style.

Dwight:But that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible is a ridiculous choice for this climate.

Michael · Dwight:Take it back. / No. / That's my car! / Yes.

Michael · Dwight:Jan called me about your little meeting! / I made the whole thing up, Dwight! / It's cool, the Sebring's cool, it has a cassette and a CD.

Michael · Dwight:Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire you right here on the spot? / I have excellent sales numbers! / Not good enough!

Dwight:I'll do anything! Anything! Please, I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year!

Michael · Dwight · Office Staff:The entire office catches on and starts sending Michael on increasingly trivial warehouse errands just to hear him go 'Whoo!' on the zip line

Michael · Dwight:Dwight to Michael: 'Is there anything I can do?' Michael: 'Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? Just...psh. He was almost 70. Circle of life.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks 'So did you hear the news?' — Dwight replies 'The news that you just announced? That Ed died?'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight corrects Michael's claim that 'a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated': 'You're thinking of a chicken.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died, and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.'

Michael · Dwight · Jan:Michael and Dwight's escalating robot-memorial plan: a life-sized robot of Ed with light-up eyes and moving arms. Michael: 'Better make it 2/3. Easier to stop if it turns on us.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight, having apparently been given a leash/extension cord restriction: 'Look, I gave him a six-foot extension cord, so he can't chase us.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael retrieves the dead bird from outside and holds it against his face; Dwight: 'Get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!' Michael: 'You can't get diseases from a bird!'

Dwight:Dwight attempts to stuff the dead bird into a comically wrong-sized container — apparently something much too large — then defends it: 'It would've fit if he had given me another minute.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was re-buried in an old oil drum.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight has built a tiny, handcrafted wooden bird coffin. Michael: 'You made this?' Dwight: [nods]. Michael: 'That's... that's very nice.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael eulogizes the bird: 'I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just... really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.' Dwight: 'It's not a songbird.' Michael: 'Shh. An impression, then.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head about Ryan: escalating excitement test ('Very excited? Extremely excited? Just very?') followed by revealing his agenda — recruiting Ryan against Jim

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'Is he gonna be a slacker, loser, wise-ass like Jim was, or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions?'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'Do you know where we are, temp?' Ryan: 'I know where we're not.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight hands Ryan a beet seed and begins a solemn speech; a goat or animal walks in and interrupts, causing Dwight to yell 'Damn it.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.'

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan: 'I don't think you know what you're saying.' Dwight pivots immediately to a demonstration about bull manure: 'It smells pretty bad, doesn't it?'

Dwight · Ryan:'It smells pretty bad, doesn't it?' 'Uh-huh.' 'It's called bull crap, and a client can smell it from a mile away.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional parody: 'Hey, Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you kneel in cow manure and I'll abandon you in a beet field.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Congratulations, resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute farm!'

Dwight · Mose · Ryan:Eerie music plays at Schrute Farms; Mose runs past in the background while Dwight and Ryan stand solemnly

Mose · Karen · Dwight:The Cardigans' 'Love Me' playing at Schrute Farm, apparently initiated by Mose; Karen asks it to stop; the song continues through her protests with everyone powerless to stop it

Dwight:Dwight: 'Whatever happened to those guys?' — referring to the love song artists, asked sincerely mid-ceremony

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'You have walked the long, lonely walk of loneliness...' Ryan cuts him off to call out the hazing

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan: 'Look, man, I was in a frat in college, so I know what you're doing. I get it.' Dwight's response: 'You know what your problem is? You think you know everything.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight's formal question session: 'What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?' Ryan: 'Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.' Dwight: 'Wrong. Flash floods.'

Dwight · Ryan:Ryan hears a noise; Dwight: 'Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.' Ryan: 'Is that your cousin Mose?'

Dwight · Ryan:'What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?' Ryan: 'Depression?' Dwight: 'Wrong. He hated himself.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'What is the Dharma Initiative?' — a reference to Lost, included as a real Dunder Mifflin quiz question

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight asks the final question: 'What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?' Ryan answers: 'Loneliness.' Then adds: 'Maybe women.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!' — followed by Ryan's absolute refusal and Dwight's 'Just get in the coffin.'

Mose · Dwight:After Ryan storms off, Mose says: 'He seemed nice.' Dwight: 'Where are all the animals?'

Dwight · Mose:Dwight runs after Ryan, apologizing: 'I am sorry. Mose is sorry, too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat-back bacon, and look, something he whittled.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional about wanting to be Ryan's ally: 'I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight and Ryan running and yelling 'Temp! Temp! Temp!' and 'Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!' as they apparently speed through the parking lot — a celebratory release after the sales win

Dwight:Dwight's victory chant: 'Temp! Temp! Temp!' becomes 'Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes!'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight to Ryan: 'Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.' Ryan: 'I think about that all the time.'

Dwight · Ryan:'Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.' / 'I think about that all the time.'

Michael · Dwight · Pam:About the blue deity statue: 'And that blue, busty gal, what's her story? She looks like Pam from the neck down.' / Dwight: 'Pam wishes.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight spots Ryan across the Diwali party and yells 'Temp! Temp!' while chasing him down.

Jim · Dwight:Jim to Dwight: 'Hey, can I have a ride, man? I have my bike.' / Dwight: 'No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it, though. It's a roomy twin.'

Jim · Dwight:The fax text: 'Dwight, at 8:00 a.m. today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.'

Dwight:Dwight dramatically knocks the coffee out of someone's hand shouting 'No!' then says 'You'll thank me later.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight approaches Michael saying 'Hey, stranger' — Michael replies 'Don't say that. That just sounds weird.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking-head: 'The title of Michael's book is Something Weird is Going On: What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott with Dwight Schrute.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's plan to 'save the branch': drive to New York and confront the CFO at his home. When Dwight asks for the address, Michael says it's from his Christmas card list — then admits he's never actually met the CFO but 'when I do, we'll have something to talk about.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael reveals he has the CFO's home address. Dwight: 'Why?' Michael: 'Christmas card list.' Dwight: 'You send him cards? You've never met him.' Michael: 'But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.'

Dwight:Dwight scouts Wallace's house: 'All visible points of access are covered.'

Dwight:Dwight analyzing Wallace's garbage: 'Satellite TV bill. Lesson learned? He's rich.' Then: 'Coffee grounds. Was he enjoying a delicious hot beverage? Or disguising the scent of cocaine from drug-sniffing dogs?'

Dwight:Dwight's talking-head: 'I just don't want it to be weird, you know. I mean, I took his old job and his old desk. Yeah, you know, that might be weird.' — about Jim possibly returning.

Dwight · Michael:Michael and Dwight's 'favorite moments' talking head: Dwight lists 'My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with the fire extinguisher. That was hilarious. The foam.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight lists 'And when you took me to the hospital and told me that you cared about me' as a favorite moment — Michael immediately shuts it down: 'All right, okay, that's enough, that's good.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks 'What were your favorite moments?' then Dwight asks 'What about when Jan said the branch was closing?' — Michael: 'God, Dwight.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight yelling: 'Stamford is closed! Stamford is closed! We did it! We did it! We did it! You did it! We did it!' — followed by both jumping and hugging while Dwight keeps chanting.

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight's post-celebration: 'How did we do it? I don't know. I have no idea. I don't understand.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight claiming he can outrun Jim's running pace on a skateboard, then claiming he outran a black pepper snake last weekend

Dwight:'I'm fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim poking his head out to tell the still-running Dwight: 'Hey. Three more laps to go. You've gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight advising Michael to fire someone to 'consolidate power,' using the example of Japanese WWII camp guards killing a prisoner from new arrivals to establish dominance

Dwight:'I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael giving Tony a gift bag, then telling Dwight the bags are 'just for guests' and Dwight 'can buy one later'; the bag contains mostly pencils and coupons

Dwight · Tony:'Can I have your pencils?' 'No.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Jim: 'Fact. I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.' Jim: 'Okay. Sounds good.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight screaming 'Meet my eye line, Jim! I AM!' after Jim keeps looking at his forehead

Dwight · Andy:Dwight vs. Andy title dispute: 'Regional Director in charge of sales' vs. 'Assistant Regional Manager.' Andy: 'I'm a director, which on a film set is the highest title there is.' Dwight: 'Do you know anything about film?' Andy: 'I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.' Dwight: 'Congratulations.'

Michael · Dwight · Hannah:Michael blocking Dwight from food: 'No, no, guest only.' Then Hannah and the smoked salmon exchange: 'No. For you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo.' 'I eat beef.' 'Well, then consider it poisoned beef. It's no touch.' '...The beef is poisoned?' 'No, it's not... beef... just sit down.'

Michael · Dwight:'Lazy Scranton' rap video — Michael and Dwight have produced an SNL Digital Short parody about Scranton including 'Call poison control if you're bit by a spider / But check that it's covered by your health care provider'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier that he gets, the more marginalized he becomes! Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there... laying on the charm.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's 'integration celebration' — he announces 'A night at the Roxbury' and plays 'What Is Love' but the music system doesn't work; he and Dwight try to fix it while Michael announces 'I got it, I got it!'

Michael · Dwight · Tony:Michael trying to help Tony get on the table: 'Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.' / Dwight and Michael physically lifting Tony while Tony screams 'No! Put me down, now!' / 'I don't know what I'm grabbing here. But it really feels good.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight positioning himself as the architect of Tony's firing: 'It was my advice. Remember I'm the one who suggested that you fire him!' / Then immediately pushing to fire Andy: 'Fire Andy. Fire Andy.'

Jim · Dwight:'1985 called and wants its car back.' / 'Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87.'

Dwight:'Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and guess what, nobody came.'

Dwight · Jim:'Idiot!' 'You're the idiot!' 'Nice comeback!' 'I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked.' / Dwight talking head: 'I totally got the best of that interchange.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael guesses it's Martin Nash and Dwight says 'Oh, you are such a racist.' Michael: 'Wait, why am I a racist?' Dwight: 'Because you think he's black.' Michael: 'He is black, right?'

Jim · Dwight · Andy:Jim tells Andy Martin was in prison; Andy's reaction shot — a beat of silence followed by 'No, Dwight. Be cool, be cool.'

Dwight · Various Office Workers:Employees stand outside freezing. Dwight has a tiny dumbbell: 'What is that, like, five pounds?' / 'It's two and a half. I'm not going for bulk. I'm going for tone.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?' Prison Mike/Michael: 'Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?'

Michael · Dwight · Various Office Workers:Employee: 'Prison Mike, what's the very, very worst thing about prison?' Dwight: 'Don't encourage him.' Prison Mike: 'The worst thing about prison was... was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt.'

Dwight:Dwight arrives at the office carrying a dead goose

Dwight:Don't worry. She's dead. / Oh, wait... He's dead.

Dwight · Michael:I accidentally ran over it. / It's a Christmas miracle.

Dwight:Dwight's talking head explaining the economics of goose grease — 'saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease'

Pam · Dwight:I would like it off my desk. / Oh, Pam. Take a chill pill.

Dwight · Michael:If I may say, she's even prettier than you described her. / Oh, ouch! / Michael, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you described her. / Thank you.

Dwight:Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off 'cause he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp.

Pam · Karen · Angela · Dwight:Karen and Pam's 'Committee to Plan Parties' rival flyer: $200 funding. Angela: 'What's ours again?' Dwight: '$201.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight claims to be number three in the office; Jim claims to be number three; Dwight says Jim is number four

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Permission to join the validity committee.' Jim: 'Permission denied.' Dwight: 'Damn it!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim to Dwight: 'Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.' / 'Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in WWII. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight steals a chair from a couple on a date at Benihana

Dwight · Jim:Dwight challenges the Benihana chef on knife choice — 'I still think nakiri's better.' / 'I think he'd know.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight challenges Michael for steak — 'En garde!' / It's family style. / No, it's not.

Dwight:Dwight, unprompted, tells Cindy exactly how to butcher a goose — including blood management

Dwight:Dwight wins the raffle — walkie-talkies — and his genuine, explosive excitement

Dwight:Dwight explains he has a tape recorder to record meetings because Michael asked him to — delivered with complete sincerity and bureaucratic self-importance

Jim · Dwight · Karen:Jim narrates a series of increasingly absurd fake events into Dwight's tape recorder — Dwight taking off his pants, having a knife, being completely nude, wearing a baby bonnet, Jim Carrey walking in, a Muppet Babies tattoo, and finally chopping off Phyllis's head with a chainsaw

Dwight · Michael:Dwight accepts Michael's covert e-mail retrieval mission after insisting on full intel — then immediately accepts it without the intel when Michael refuses

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's Mission Impossible confessional about the photo: 'I have a special assignment for you. Who's the target?'

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight's damage control report: disconnected the T1 line, ordered printouts taken down, 'destroyed all printouts from the bathroom' — 'There are copies in the bathroom?' — 'There were a lot of them.'

Dwight:Dwight finds a pig at the luau — 'Yes! Yes, what'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up. This is the greatest night of my life.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight arrives late; Jim immediately says 'Hey, Dwight, pass the tardy sauce.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim says he wants to trade Dwight as a partner. Dwight immediately offers to trade too. Jim says 'Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time.'

Dwight · Michael · Andy:Dwight arrives with his car. Andy comments on shirts on hangers in the back seat. Michael asks 'He does your laundry?' Dwight says 'Long story.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim refuses to sit in the front seat of Dwight's car, insisting on sitting in the back. 'It's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight insists Jim leave the car keys. Jim: 'You still do that thing?' Dwight, still insisting: 'Leave the keys.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight insists Jim walk ahead of him. Jim: 'That still leaves a 30% chance I'll attack you from the front.' Dwight: 'Yeah, but it'll be easier to stop.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head about Karen: 'I like Karen. She's pretty. Appears intelligent. Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.'

Dwight · Karen:Dwight: 'My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model, or a college professor — which is intimidating to a lot of guys. We should go on a double date.' Karen: 'No, thank you.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's name on the corporate security sign-in sheet: where it asks you to 'state your business,' Dwight wrote 'Beeswax Not Yours, Inc.'

Michael · Dwight:Confrontation: Michael demands to know what Dwight was doing. Dwight: 'I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me.' Michael pauses, then: 'That's what she said.' Dwight: 'Don't you dare.'

Angela · Dwight:Angela: 'I'll just stand up in front of the office, and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.' Dwight: 'I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.'

Dwight:Dwight's resignation speech: 'Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family... I do not fear the unknown... we all shall fall.'

Dwight:'In other words, I'm quitting. So...'

Dwight:Dwight gives his belongings away during the exit, including a sequence of 'Just take it... Except this... Good luck... And this one. Oops.'

Dwight:Dwight's resume breakdown: 'professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia'

Dwight:How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.

Dwight:'There's nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.'

Dwight:Dwight at a menial retail job: 'Need any help?' 'Oh, no thank you. I'm just looking.' 'Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.'

Dwight:Dwight at the competitor: 'I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.'

Dwight:Dwight at his retail job interview: 'Have you heard of paper?' after interviewer says she never heard of Dunder-Mifflin

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter.'

Dwight:Dwight sings the Cranberries' 'Zombie' to himself while working at retail

Dwight:Dwight on his new workplace: 'The boss isn't funny. I don't get to wear my ties.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'I don't want to do your laundry anymore.' Dwight: 'We can talk about that.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight crashes through ceiling tiles pursuing his phone — 'That's half-inch drywall. I think we broke his brain.'

Michael · Dwight · Angela:Michael introduces Dwight to the office; then: 'Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're going to break it.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight: 'Do you still have feelings for her?' — long pause — Dwight: 'Yes.'

Dwight:Hello, Son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead.

Dwight:Yesterday, I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock.

Dwight:And when I came to, I had an epiphery.

Dwight:...to know the dealio. The dealio of life.

Dwight:To jump-start a car, first, pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then, you take these and clip them wherever.

Dwight · Pam:Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam.

Dwight:You just twist your hand until something breaks.

Michael · Dwight:What if he's a murderer? / He's not gonna be a murderer. / Maybe that's how you die?

Dwight · Michael:No tats. / No, tats. Of course, I want... Stop. That's disgusting.

Michael · Dwight:What do you think, redhead or brunette? / Blonde. / Nice.

Dwight:He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.

Dwight:Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin or SpongeBob SquarePants.

Dwight:Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Ben Franklin (actor) · Dwight:FRANKLIN: Hold the door, please! / You wearing a thong?

Michael · Dwight:Have you ever seen a stripper before? / Yes. / Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. / Yeah, me neither.

Dwight:"Is she hot?" Text back, "Kind of."

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner! / Who wants some man meat? / I do! I want some man meat! / Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Dwight:I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Jim · Dwight:Jim offers Dwight an Altoid; Dwight's reflexive response 'What do you think?' implies he always refuses, setting up the conditioning experiment

Jim · Dwight:Montage of Dwight accepting Altoids without hesitation across multiple sessions — 'Okay.' / 'Sure.' / 'Yes.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight catches himself craving a mint unprompted, confused: 'I don't know, I... Oh, my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic. But the weddings are a bleak affair.'

Dwight · Jim:The 'P and R' flowers — Dwight and Jim note they stand for 'Phyllis and Robert' but also 'Pam and Roy'

Dwight:Dwight at the wedding: 'Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.'

Dwight:Dwight's plan: locate wedding crashers 'and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight to Phyllis: 'Best of luck, Phyllis. Also, I'm gonna need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.' Phyllis: 'I don't have that, Dwight.' Dwight: 'Damn it, Phyllis!'

Dwight:Dwight's interrogation of a wedding guest he suspects is a crasher: 'How do you know the happy couple?' / 'The bride and groom. What are their names?' Guest fumbles.

Dwight:Dwight physically escorts the suspected wedding crasher out: 'Come on, freeloader, let's move it... Gotta find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael trying to re-enter the wedding reception: 'Dwight, just...' Dwight: 'No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders. Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake.' Michael: 'I'm not even gonna dance.' / 'One song maybe.'

Dwight:Dwight to Michael: 'You are a real-life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry. It gives me no pleasure.'

Dwight:Dwight examines an 'animal stool' he found in the office with intense focus and forensic seriousness

Dwight · Jim:Jim asks what Dwight is doing; Dwight replies 'Solving a mystery, if that's quite all right with you'

Dwight:Dwight says 'Come to papa' while reaching into a vent to retrieve what he thinks is a bird

Dwight · Office Staff:Dwight announces confidently 'What we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent' — then it's a bat and the office erupts in screaming

Dwight:Dwight's talking head about the bat: 'The simple solution would be to open a window. If we had windows that could open.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim is told he is 'number two in this office' and needs to show leadership on the bat situation; Jim reacts with 'I'm sorry, what did you say? / So weird.'

Dwight:'This is your job, Halpert.' — Dwight to the camera/Jim about the bat situation while Jim is absent at the business school

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tests whether Jim is a vampire by giving him 'white-hot' garlic bread — Jim says it burned him; the bread is cold

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a Sylvania. Like Penn-sylvania.'

Dwight:Dwight clarifies: 'Now, that doesn't mean Jim is gonna become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'I don't have a lot of experience with vampires. But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight proposes forming an 'allegiance' to use 'sudden violence'; when asked about making a stake from a mop handle, he responds 'What size?'

Creed · Dwight:Creed announces he'll handle the bat, tells everyone not to hurt it; then the moment the bat appears, screams 'Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head after resolving the bat situation: 'I... am a hero.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight: 'Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.' Then: 'Cool, okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down. Draw the shades. There's just so much sun in here.'

Dwight:Dwight's farewell to Jim: 'Good bye, Jim. And good luck.' — delivered with the gravity of someone sending a friend off to war

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey. And I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically in the kitchen.'

Dwight:Dwight removes the bat from Meredith's hair and says simply: 'You're welcome.'

Dwight:I know how. He'll dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out.

Michael · Pam · Dwight:Pam, would you smell my breath? No. No. DWIGHT: Let me smell. Good. Not great.

Dwight · Rachel · Jan:Rachel, your house is beautiful. Thank you. What's the square footage? About 5,000. Does that include the garage? Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.

Dwight:Cool. Let's start with the banisters.

Dwight:Yeah, these studs are way too far apart.

Dwight · Rachel:What's in here? That's a guest room. Just the one window?

Dwight:Are those real pearls?

Dwight · David Wallace:Oh, good. You're up. Hey, who makes this chair? I don't know. It was here when I was born. I want one. It's really good, solid construction. It's comfortable.

Dwight · Michael:Now you stay here and have fun 'cause I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.

Dwight:The chimney's in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation. So, all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Roy · Jim · Dwight · Pam:Roy charges at Jim in the office and Dwight pepper sprays him — the sound and chaos inferred from 'Roy! Ahh! Roy, don't! God!'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Every day for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And every day for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well. Who's laughing now?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tries to thank Dwight; Dwight: 'Thank you not necessary, and thus not accepted.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim presents a gift; Dwight: 'Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head about real heroes: 'The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael demonstrates 'dominant physical position' in negotiation: leaning back and whispering so quietly that Dwight (playing Darryl) literally cannot hear him

Dwight:Dwight's clinical retelling of the pepper spray incident: 'I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter, rendering him utterly and completely disabled. The end.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight compares accepting Jim's lunch offer to Han Solo receiving payment for saving the rebel cause

Jim · Dwight:Jim gives Dwight a fake 'Certificate of Bravery from the Scranton Police Department' — complete with a teddy bear in a policeman's cap

Dwight · Jim:Dwight, holding the children's bravery certificate: 'Please, they hand these out to little kids. Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.' Jim: 'Mm...didn't think you'd notice.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight reads bravery stories to Angela in her office; she suggests they read it together; both exchange loaded looks

Dwight:Dwight, reacting to the office screaming at Andy's return: 'No need to thank me. I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro from Heroes. That's a hero. Also Bono.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking-head: 'I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years... I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.'

Jim · Andy · Dwight:Jim passes along false messages: 'Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.' / 'Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Andy... Nah, that's too far. / Dwight: Damn you.'

Toby · Michael · Dwight:Toby's sweater/cardigan tip devolves: Michael asks 'What about a long-sleeved tee?' Dwight: 'Long johns? A shawl?' — escalating suggestions until Toby says 'anything that warms you.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight's panicked planning session: 'Because you know what our killer is? Depression. Wolves. Depression.' / 'Visual aids. Yes. A quilt... depression quilt?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'A quilt... depression quilt?'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's plan to test the trampoline Letterman-style: 'Throw a TV over.' / 'We measured it once.' / 'Go buy some watermelons.' / 'Seedless?'

Michael · Dwight:The watermelon test: they drop it and it visibly hits a car in the parking lot, setting off an alarm. Dwight: 'Oh, crap!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Take apart the trampoline, stick it in the bailer.' Dwight: 'We're not allowed to use the bailer.' Michael: 'Have Patch do it... or the sea monster.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's shunning negotiation with Andy: 'I'm temporarily lifting the shun.' / Andy: 'Thank you.' / Dwight: 'It means nothing.' then 'Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.' for the drawbridge question.

Dwight:Dwight advises Michael on bouncy castle landings: 'When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.'

Dwight:Michael: 'I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'This is about doing, not thinking.' / 'Right, doing! Totally doing! It's rock and roll! Rock and roll! Yeah!' / 'You're right; I'm not thinking.'

Dwight · Oscar · Andy:Dwight summons the warehouse: 'Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.' Oscar: 'Whoa, what's the situation?' Dwight: 'Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.'

Oscar · Dwight:Oscar: 'When's the shunning thing gonna end?' Dwight: 'Un-shun... never! Re-shun.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight announces: 'I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.' Stanley: 'Is it nice outside?' Dwight: 'It's gorgeous. Let's go!'

Dwight · Office Workers:Someone asks 'Do I need my jacket?' / 'Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?' — Dwight: 'Everyone's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's performance on the roof: 'Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year, according to a 2004 study.' Dwight: 'Is that the last year to date it was available?'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight forgot to bring the warehouse workers. Michael: 'That's the whole point, dummy.' Dwight: 'You said to just...' Michael: 'That's the whole point, dummy.'

Dwight:The second performance: Dwight announces Michael's rooftop distress. Michael delivers identical lines. Dwight talks to camera: 'Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Um... Might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight (into phone or to Michael): 'They found the castle, Michael.' Michael: 'Damn it.'

Dwight:Dwight guesses Pam's present is 'A Repliee Q1 Expo female robot. They're only available in Japan.'

Pam · Dwight:Pam: 'Dwight, you are such a liar.' Dwight: 'Pam, really, what is it?'

Dwight:'Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael laughing at the prank and saying 'Oh, that's funny.' while Dwight protests

Dwight:Dwight doing the 'money beets' speech to the assembled women — 'First rule in roadside beet sales: put the most attractive beets on top... Those are the money beets.'

Dwight:Dwight grants the reporter Level 3 security clearance: 'Don't get too excited. That's out of 20.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken, chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching.'

Dwight:'Whoever drew this got it exactly right.' — Dwight's conclusion of his barnyard testimony

Dwight:Dwight's tactical analysis of how a SWAT team would defeat Michael: 'They would flank you, throw in a concussion grenade. You'd be on the ground...'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Cut.' / Dwight: 'Cut.' / Michael: 'I'm asking Pam to do it.' / Dwight: 'Cut.'

Dwight · Michael:That was your best apology video ever. / I thought so too.

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'One day for what?' Michael: 'That's... they always give an ultimatum.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim he looks nice today; Jim says 'I look like an idiot'

Dwight · Karen:Dwight approaches Karen: 'Hey, Karen. Hey, Dwight. Lookin' sharp.' — Dwight realizes compliment, starts to reveal he's Jim

Dwight · Karen:Dwight (as Jim): 'Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse, 'cause you're my girlfriend? Do you?' Karen: 'No.' Dwight: 'Okay. I'm good. Thanks.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional as Jim: 'Spot on. Blah, blah, a little comment. Yeah.'

Dwight · Jim:The demerit escalation ladder: demerit → citation → violation → verbal warning → written warning → disciplinary review, written up by Michael and placed on the desk of his immediate superior

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Which would be me.' / Dwight: 'That is correct.' / Michael: 'Okay. I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full desaggelation.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Phyllis, you say?' — reacting to news that the victim was Phyllis rather than a more conventionally attractive woman

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's penis photo lineup — Dwight has compiled a photo board of penises for Phyllis to identify the flasher, including what appears to be his own (in Polaroid form)

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces?' Dwight: 'Answer. No, because this is being given priority one.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take.'

Dwight:Dwight accidentally calls Phyllis 'Phallus' while asking Pam to work with her on the sketch, then recovers: 'Phyllis. Sorry. I've got penises on the brain.'

Dwight:Dwight removing bananas from the kitchen as a safety measure against flashing

Dwight:Dwight's memo requiring women to wear 'sleeves down to the wrists,' 'button-up collars and muted colors,' no heels over a quarter inch, and no makeup

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Those are collectible action figures. And they're worth more than your car.'

Dwight:Dwight to Andy: 'That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Aye, aye, Captain.' Andy: 'More like, aye, aye, General.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Many women are competent drivers.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Anna Maria's.' Dwight: 'What's the occasion?' Jim: 'Six-month anniversary.' (pause) 'Nothing. I think we all kind of thought you guys were just, like, hooking up.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Think we'll find him?' Andy: 'Yeah, I do. Because justice never rests.' Dwight: 'Halvsies?' Andy: 'No. Wholesies.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy: 'You're not a total ass.' — Dwight's talking head reaction after Andy compliments him

Dwight:Dwight answering phone: 'Dunder Mifflin Paper / Sex Predator Hotline. This is Dwight Schrute.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim prank: calls Dwight claiming to have seen the sex predator — reveals the location is 'the women's bathroom, above the sink' — i.e., a mirror

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'I have information about the sex predator.' Dwight: 'You have information about the sex predator?' Jim: 'I saw him two minutes ago.' Dwight: 'Where?' Jim: 'In the women's bathroom, above the sink.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight sprints to the women's bathroom shouting 'Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink!' — closing shot of Pam looking at the camera

Michael · Dwight:Michael claims to be dying with vague symptoms; Dwight consults a medical book and reads aloud 'Menses. Maybe.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael, mid-fake illness, takes a call from David Wallace and asks 'You see a phone?' when told David is on line one — implying he expected everyone to just know through his aura

Dwight:Dwight: 'I hope there will be management parables.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight names his tribe 'Gryffindor'; Jim immediately suggests 'Slytherin.' Dwight: 'Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.' Jim: 'I know.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael names his team 'Voldemort' and keeps saying the name while Dwight protests; Dwight: 'Idiots!'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight explains 'Sabotage' to Andy — 'the ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team' — while having clearly been saying 'sabotage' to miscommunicate

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.'

Dwight · Jim:After losing sumo, Dwight claims he didn't really lose: 'The only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work things out with words.' Jim: 'That's not why you lost.'

Dwight · Jim:After claiming non-violence, Dwight immediately starts wrestling Jim again — grunting, charging — while yelling 'I totally could have kicked your butt so bad!'

Dwight:Dwight volunteers to walk coals with total conviction: 'I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right?'

Dwight · Michael:Michael doesn't walk — then Dwight storms out and stands on the coals demanding his job: 'Give me the job!' Then kneels on them. 'Don't kneel on the coals!' 'God, that stinks!'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight walks the fire to demand Michael give him the job; Michael refuses; Dwight kneels on the coals.

Dwight:Dwight's version of 'The Aristocrats' — he describes it as 'really, really raunchy' and 'truly repulsive acts' but we never hear the middle; the audience reacts with 'Ooh, ah, whew, ho ho!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael hands Dwight a letter of congratulations addressed to 'Dwight K. Schrute' — Dwight reads his own name and says 'But that's my name.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight reads Michael's congratulations letter: 'Dwight, congratulations a wipe. Don't screw the pooch.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight weeping and thanking Michael repeatedly while Michael says 'Stop crying' — followed by the extended tearful gratitude scene

Dwight · Kevin · Oscar · Angela:Dwight propositions the accounting team: 'How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?' Kevin says no; Dwight clarifies he means himself, not Michael

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's dramatic goodbye to Kelly: 'Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.' — then immediately Jim's hotel: 'Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's 'Hotel Hell' roleplay: 'Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now, check out time is never.' / 'Does my room have cable?' / 'No. And the sheets are made of fire.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?' / Dwight: 'I'm the owner. The co-owner with Satan!'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's salary in the Hotel Hell fantasy: '$80,000 a year'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head on his ideal number two: 'My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's interview questions: 'What is the best color?' / 'White, because it contains all other colors.' / 'Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'How do you make a table?' / Andy: 'You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.' / Dwight: 'What is the capital of Maine?' / Andy: 'The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Time! No, you failed.' / Andy: 'Damn it!' / 'This interview is over. I'll let you know.'

Dwight:Dwight's coronation: 'Michael is gone. Hail to the chief!'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight immediately makes Andy his number two; Andy immediately accepts; Dwight: 'As if you had a choice.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight offers Pam the role of Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager — publicly a non-title — stripped of 'its pomp and frills'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight introduces Schrute Bucks: 1,000 Schrute Bucks = five extra minutes for lunch; cash value = 1/100th of a cent

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley refuses a Schrute Buck ('I don't want it'), gets deducted 50, then says 'Make it 100'

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley: 'I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.' / Dwight: 'What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?' / Stanley: 'The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.'

Dwight · Andy · Stanley:Stanley's answer causes class to collapse: Dwight cancels class as 'punishment', Andy tries to save it, Dwight and Andy bicker while students flee

Dwight:Dwight's black office: 'It's like staring into my soul when I look at this wall. It's like outer space without the stars. It's so black.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Abandon all hope, you who enter here!' — referring to his freshly-painted black office

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Michael returns to find his office is black: 'Why is my office black?' / 'To intimidate my subordinates.' / 'That's stupid. It was Andy's idea. You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management. Good thing I'm back.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight formally thanks Pam for her service as Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager: 'You served the office with great dignity.' — complete with a dramatic pause

Dwight · Kevin · Andy:Dwight, Kevin, and Andy pile on Michael with increasingly absurd theories for why he hit Meredith: 'Was she talking back? Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?'

Dwight · Kevin · Pam:Dwight and Kevin teasing Jim about visiting Meredith: 'Oh, I bet Jim goes, too.' / 'Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.' / 'Oh, I bet you ask.' / 'I was planning on it.' / 'I bet you were. Subtle.'

Angela · Dwight:Angela gives Dwight an elaborate list of medical instructions for Sprinkles: diabetes shot, ACE inhibitor, omega fatty acids, kidney medicine, and finally — fungal cream under the cat's tail.

Michael · Dwight:Hospital room: Michael says 'She looks like an angel.' Dwight replies 'She looks awful.' Michael: 'No? Okay, she always looks like that.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight returns from Angela's apartment: 'Hey, monkey. Any problems? / Well, you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.' / 'What? / Sparkles, the white one, is dead.' / 'Sprinkles.' / 'That was the sick one, right?'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight on Sprinkles' location: 'She's in a better place.' / 'Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor.'

Dwight:Dwight on cats: 'Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.'

Dwight:Dwight agrees to visit Meredith in the hospital: 'I do not respect her, but I will go.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head on Meredith: 'As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical. Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.'

Dwight · Intern:Dwight asks the intern/doctor: 'Are you a doctor or a male nurse?' / 'I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor.'

Dwight:Dwight reviewing Meredith's chart: 'Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy. But she did, or at least she got time off for one. So that is where her uterus went.'

Dwight · Meredith · Intern:Meredith's chart reveals she was previously bitten by a bat (trapped by Dwight in a bag against her head), a raccoon, and a rat — 'Separate occasions.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael asks the crowd how many know someone affected by rabies, counts a few hands and declares 'Too many to count. It is truly the silent killer.' / Dwight: 'No, it is the foaming, barking killer.'

Dwight · Jim · Toby:Dwight put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race — then: 'Wait, Imodium or Ex-Lax?' / Toby's subsequent talking head: 'I'm making great time. Usually, I'd have to take a bathroom break halfway through a race like this, but not today.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.' Ryan: 'Excellent! Simpsons.' Dwight: 'Wait, Imodium or Ex-Lax?' Ryan: '...'. Cut to: Toby running very well.

Dwight · Angela:Angela confronts Dwight about Sprinkles. Dwight: 'I sang her her favorite songs.' / 'You put her in my freezer.' / 'It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.' / 'Well, then, she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I expected a hug.' after Angela discovers he killed her cat.

Dwight:Dwight: 'Cat heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.' / 'I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well, he's not great, but he's pretty good.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight: 'Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother.' — Angela stops dead.

Dwight · Angela:It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed. Her name was Sprinkles. And his name is Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage 'cause he likes to eat garbage.

Dwight:He killed an entire family of raccoons. Look at him.

Dwight:What if we don't want to use a BlackBerry because they are stupid and pointless?

Angela · Dwight:I've been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight. / Really? / Yes. / I'll make a reservation. / No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side. / I would prefer a public place.

Jim · Dwight:Why do you have the Big Picture up again? You used that already when you burned your foot. / Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.

Dwight:I'm gonna live for a very long time. My Grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My Grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.

Dwight · Angela:I heard a joke today. / Oh, that's funny. / Yes, it was.

Dwight:Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here. It's an old sales trick.

Dwight:Dwight pleads: 'No, please don't do this, monkey.' — his pet name for Angela is 'monkey'

Dwight · Angela:I miss you. / Elevators.

Dwight · Angela:Fine. / Then I just want to be friends. / Good. / Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.

Dwight · Michael:Why do you use that thing? / It lets them know where you are at all times. / Who? / The government, spy satellites, private detectives, ex-girlfriends.

Dwight · Michael:Dwight tells Michael to accept the client is gone: 'He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it.' — then Michael pivots to pitching the new website

Michael · Dwight:I threw everything I had at that guy and nothing. / That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you.

Michael · Dwight:Make a right turn. / Wait, wait. No, no, no. It means bear right. / No. It said right. It said take a right. Up there. / No, no, no, look. It means go up to the right, bear right over the bridge and hook up with 307. / Make a right turn. / Maybe it's a shortcut, Dwight. / It said go to the right. / It can't mean that. / There's a lake there! I think it knows where it is going. / This is the lake! / The machine knows! / This is the lake! / Stop yelling at me!

Dwight:Remain calm. I have trained for this. / Exit the window! Here we go.

Dwight · Michael:You sure you're okay? / Fine. / Good. That is what's most important. / Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important, too, at a time like this.

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight march back into the country club, dripping wet, to reclaim the gift basket: 'We're going to reclaim our gift basket. We're going to take what's rightfully ours. Take a stand, Dwight!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight return dripping wet to the client's office to demand the gift basket back

Michael · Dwight · Country Club Employee:What's missing? The turtles. / Where are the turtles? / Where are the turtles? / I ate them, okay? I ate the turtles. They're gone.

Michael · Dwight:Excuse me, I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with pecans and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. / Hand over the turtles now!

Dwight:We'll bill you.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight declares he will challenge the website to a sales competition; Jim's response: 'Waste of time... I don't care, but yes. I don't care, and you won't. I won't be watching, and I won't.'

Dwight:Dwight's scoreboard setup: he announces he'll record sales there and say 'kudos' or 'job well done' — then offers 'zip-a-dee-doo-dah' as a third option

Dwight:Dwight's scoreboard for the sales competition with the website, and his declared reward phrases: 'kudos,' 'job well done,' or 'zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah'

Angela · Dwight:Angela's talking head: 'I can't tell if he's mocking me.' Cut to Dwight's: 'I was. Mocking.' Then: 'Thank you.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight instructs Pam to go to his car, find pelts in the trunk, find a case under the smallest pelt, retrieve a bear horn

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's pre-competition ritual: Power gel, 'Carb up.' / Jim: 'Really? Power gel?' / Dwight: 'Hey, you wanna win, you gotta fuel like a winner.'

Dwight:Dwight announces the competition starts 'as soon as I make this shot' — implying a basketball shot or similar ritual — then presumably misses or takes an absurdly long time

Jim · Dwight:Jim pretends to be the Dunder Mifflin website in an IM chat with Dwight, claiming to have 'just become self-aware' and being programmed to destroy him

Dwight · Jim:Dwight (via IM) to the 'website': 'How do I know this isn't Jim?' — the website/Jim responds: 'What is a Jim?'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months.'

Dwight:'You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.'

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin announces the website's sales to Dwight in real time: 305... 380... 402... 412. Each announcement immediately follows the last, making Dwight increasingly uncomfortable.

Dwight:Dwight's reaction when Jim reveals (off-screen) that Kelly ordered paper from the website — the competition is sabotaged from within: 'You did what? Oh! No! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damn it!'

Dwight · Jim:Website/Jim's IM to Dwight: 'Here's a suggestion, computer. I assume you read binary. So why don't you 011-11-011-011?' — Website responds: 'Um, while you were typing that, I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything... And mastered the violin. Oh, and sold more paper.'

Dwight · Kelly · Jim:Kelly receives a paper delivery she ordered online; Dwight confronts her: 'Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!' Jim: 'Who's 'it'?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Kelley: 'If this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.' Jim: 'Who's 'it'?'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head about stealing Staples leads: 'When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them. What did you intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.'

Dwight:'It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes.'

Michael · Dwight · Phyllis:Back at the office, the scoreboard countdown: Phyllis counts down to reveal Dwight has beaten the website by 52 reams; Michael's voice on the webcam shouts: 'I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that, asshole.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight to Angela privately after winning: 'I did it for you.' Angela: 'I didn't ask you to do it for me.' Dwight: 'You didn't have to.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight asks Pam for dating advice: 'How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?'

Jim · Dwight:Website's final IM to Dwight: 'You beat me. You are the superior being.'

Michael · Dwight · Pizza Delivery Kid:Michael detains the pizza delivery kid: 'You are not going anywhere. You're going to stay here until we figure this out.' Then escalates: 'This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people.' Then asks Dwight to escort him to the conference room.

Jim · Stanley · Dwight:Jim, Stanley, and Dwight researching the legality of Michael's detention: Jim: 'We think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.' Stanley: 'Could you look up accomplices?' Jim/Dwight: 'We're looking up jail time.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'I've seen this kid — he sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.' Jim: 'Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.'

Michael · Pizza Delivery Kid · Dwight:Michael tries to intimidate the detained pizza kid: 'You ready to give me my discount now?' Kid: 'No.' Michael: 'What have you done in here this whole time? What kind of business is this?' Kid: 'A paper company.' Dwight: 'The best paper company in the whole wide world!'

Michael · Pizza Delivery Kid · Dwight:Michael to pizza kid: 'You're a little snot-nose punk kid who thinks he's better than everybody else. Because he's some hotshot. And you don't know anything about sales.' Kid: 'You're such a loser.' Michael: 'What did you call him?' Dwight: 'A loser.' Michael: 'What did you say?!' Dwight: 'A loser.' Michael: 'Stop getting him to say it!'

Jim · Michael · Dwight:Jim: 'We are accomplices.' Dwight: 'Stop talking all at once.' Jim: 'You need to let him go.' Michael: 'Let go of little jerk boy? Before he has learned his lesson?' Jim: 'Yes.' Michael: 'I'm not kidnapping him. I'm keeping him until I get what I want. As a hostage.' Jim: 'You over-think it.' Michael: 'You under-think it.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy notices Dwight staring at Angela and confronts him: 'Why are you looking at her like that? Hey!'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight presents Angela with 'one thing made of ice' — a full ice sculpture, apparently stolen — Angela: 'How did you... Where did you...?' Dwight: 'I stole it.'

Dwight · Pizza Delivery Kid:Dwight tries to intimidate the pizza kid by pretending he's going to do something to him — 'The trick is to make him think you're gonna do something to him' — the kid: 'I can hear you, man.' Dwight: 'Shut up! Or I punch you in the throat!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's guilt spiral: 'Oh my god. I kidnapped a kid.' Dwight: 'You had to. What other choice did you have?' Michael: 'I've gotta pay for the pizza.' Dwight: 'Well... Yeah.' Michael: 'Oh my god.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael instructs Dwight on the pizza release plan: 'I will open the door. And hopefully, he will walk out. And the rest is out of our hands.'

Dwight:Dwight answers Michael's office phone with 'Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute' then immediately switches lines to answer 'Schrute Farms, Guten Tag. How can I help you?'

Dwight:'No king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'You running a bed and breakfast?' Dwight: 'It is not a B&B. Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.'

Dwight:'That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.'

Dwight · Angela:Visual gag: Dwight's breakup inventory — 'One cardigan. One sleeping cardigan. One sleep apnea mask.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight and Angela argue over the cherub figurine — Dwight insists it was on the night table 'by the lamp'; Angela says she was 'scrubbing my room of memories' and didn't see it

Dwight:Dwight's talking head on 'sowing wild oats': 'In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care. They're your oats.'

Dwight:Dwight shows Jim and Pam the three room themes at Schrute Farms: 'America, Irrigation and Nighttime.'

Pam · Jim · Dwight:Pam: 'Yes. We will be requiring a bedtime story.' Dwight: 'No.' Jim: 'Not even Harry Potter?' Dwight: 'No, Jim, come on.' Jim: 'But you promised...' Dwight: 'Mose, bags, now.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'As of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Schrute Farms, but as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on.'

Dwight · Mose:Mose throws manure during the Schrute Farms visit; Dwight: 'This is beet food. Mose, what are you doing? No, Mose. Put the manure down. Put it down! Do not throw it! Do not...'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight reads Harry Potter bedtime story to Jim and Pam: 'And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand... his heart racing.' Dwight: 'What you got tonight?'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight enters Jim and Pam's room at night: 'Come in. Did you have another nightmare?' / 'I thought you were Mose. Does Mose have nightmares? Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.'

Jim · Dwight:'Does Mose have nightmares?' / 'Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight in innkeeper mode: 'Just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here.' Jim: 'Oh, well, I'll look into that in the morning.' Dwight: 'Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.'

Dwight · Pam:Pam's morning greeting: 'Hey, Dwight.' Dwight, barely-controlled: 'Pam.' Pam: 'You okay?' Dwight: 'I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.'

Michael · Ryan · Dwight · Oscar · Toby:The 'whoever vs. whomever' debate: Oscar corrects Ryan, Dwight says 'whomever' is a made-up word to trick students, Ryan says it's the formal version — Oscar: 'Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly. Not a native speaker.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight about the hotel business; Dwight: 'Stupid.' Jim: 'Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?' Dwight: 'No.' Jim: 'Maybe you should.' Dwight: 'Maybe you should... Whatever.'

Dwight:Dwight approaching Pam: 'You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign. No bars, no patios, no vegetables and no seafood.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'You playing that game again?' Dwight: 'Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores.' Jim: 'Oh, it has losers.'

Dwight:Dwight's Second Life confessional: 'Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my second life, I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'We cannot talk about this because someone might hear us. We'll use code names. Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy: 'That's not different enough.' Dwight: 'Dwike?'

Dwight:Dwight's receptionist announces: 'You have a call from Eddie Murphy'

Jim · Dwight:Jim shows the ad exec Dwight's Second Life, which contains a 'Second Second Life' for people who want to be removed even further from reality

Jim · Dwight:Jim's Second Life avatar: 'Philly Jim' — a sports writer with a guitar on his back, and Jim denying he spent much time on it

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'She called you D?' Andy: 'Yeah. D for Andy.' Dwight's reaction beat as he processes that 'D' likely means 'Dwight'

Andy · Dwight:Andy re-enacting 'Oh, D! Oh, D!' with increasing enthusiasm while Dwight must sit silently

Michael · Dwight:Michael presents a Ferris Bueller-style dummy in his office chair, complete with a string attached to the wrist connected to the door.

Michael · Dwight:Dwight: 'I will know.' Michael: 'But you will not tell anyone.' Dwight: 'I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl.' — revealing a hierarchy of who Michael wants to spend his free time with, with Dwight at the bottom.

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael and Dwight have driven past the Corcroan exit. Dwight announces: 'Surprise!'

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight grabs Jim's phone and throws it out the car window to prevent Jim from warning Karen.

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael's plan: warehouse uniforms, silly string, Dwight's gasoline and chunks of rubber to make 'stink bombs — or real bombs.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex? I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is awesome.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim pivots to the alphabet car game to escape Dwight's sex interrogation. Dwight gets stuck on what 'Alan' sells in Alaska and can't let it go.

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight is revealed to be urinating into an empty can in the car while Michael is driving.

Dwight:Dwight: 'I think I cut my penis on the lid.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's infiltration plan: pretend to be warehouse workers, silly string the place, 'stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'The eyes are the groin of the head.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight have found Utica's 'crown jewel' — their industrial copier — and are attempting to wheel it down the stairwell.

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight become wedged between the copier and the railing in the stairwell. Dwight: 'My hip bone!' / 'We're wedged between the copier and the railing.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'Ow, my leg! Jim, leave us. Save yourself!' / Michael: 'Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I'm losing control of my bladder.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Oh my God, Karen is back!' — and Dwight's immediate response: 'Did you say Karen? Take her to a motel, make love to her, Jim.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something. Host the Dundies.'

Dwight · Michael:And... Do you know what 'hypothetical' means? Not real. Got it.

Dwight:I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had Velcroed under my desk.

Dwight:People say, 'Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.' Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.

Dwight:Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way. No, I do not.

Dwight · Michael:The serial killer scenario — Dwight elaborates that he would 'make sure you were dead,' remove teeth, cut off fingertips so Michael can't be identified, and they would 'call me the Overkill Killer.'

Dwight:It would be better if you were unconscious.

Jim · Dwight:Do you think it's a good idea? / No. I think it's a great idea.

Dwight:Dwight in the background of the office scene on his cell phone: 'You know, try sending them another invoice...'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight spinning Michael around after dropping him off to 'confuse his sense of direction.'

Dwight:I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support. But I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.

Dwight:Dwight's TH about Michael: 'Michael's a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. But I hope he finds it.'

Dwight:Dwight in the woods with a scoped rifle: 'Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is on.'

Dwight:Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is on.

Michael · Dwight:Michael eating what he thinks are wild mushrooms: 'These are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and damn tasty.' / Dwight off-camera: 'Stop. No. No, Michael. No.'

Dwight:Stop. No. No, Michael. No. No. No. / Get them out.

Dwight:All of my heroes are table-tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao, Joerg Rosskopf and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-sized poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the Hall of Fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Pam · Dwight:How's it going? / Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.

Jim · Dwight:Check this out, though. Spin serve. Works, like, 80% of the time, so... / Nice.

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight arrives with his former babysitter as his date, crashing the couples-only dinner

Dwight:Dwight eating a turkey leg at the dinner party while everyone else is awaiting Osso Buco

Dwight · Jim:Dwight about his date: 'I was his babysitter. And now you guys are dating? Purely carnal, that's all you need to know.' / 'Would you write down your e-mail? Because I have so many questions.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight to Michael: 'Come on, you're sleeping with me.' Michael: 'No.'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight takes Michael to a Waylan's burger place; Michael: 'This is the best burger I've ever had, babe.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Babe, I should have told you, but... I did something bad. I stole this. For you, babe.'

Michael · Dwight:Because this batch was awful. / This one says 'chair model'? / I wrote that. / Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God is my witness, she shall bear your fruit.

Dwight:The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. Deborah Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead, car accident. Case closed.

Jim · Michael · Dwight:Michael, you didn't even know her. / Try not to be so hurtful, Jim. / Jim, how dare you? Please, not at a time like this.

Dwight:The Five Families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him 'Cool Guy' Paul. W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A badass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Die. Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Dwight · Andy:Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. / So... / Behold our bachelorette. / Give her a 10 for her looks, and a three for her ability to describe herself.

Dwight · Michael:You know what you need? / Closure. / You're right. / What do you mean, though? / There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say goodbye. I think you need to say goodbye.

Michael · Dwight:How did she die? / I guess you could say she died of blunt-force trauma and blood loss. / She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hangar. / God... / She was so innocent. / She was stoned, apparently.

Michael · Dwight:What do you do? / You wait till next year's chair catalogue comes out, and you find someone who's still alive. / You move on. Yeah.

Michael · Dwight:Michael has gum in his hair because he crawled under Stanley's car to inspect something shiny

Dwight · Michael:Dwight tasting the peanut butter from Michael's hair and noting the calorie content

Michael · Dwight:The club is called 'Prerogative' — Michael calls it out excitedly as if it's significant

Dwight:Dwight calling the packed club a 'fire hazard'

Michael · Dwight:"These women look like white slaves." / "No, they're just hot. Hotties."

Jim · Dwight:The office is locked from the inside — Jim's plan backfires because the security guard wasn't told and Dwight locked everyone in

Jim · Dwight:Jim's talking head about Dwight holding both master keys — 'If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: "You resemble the Tolkien character." (about Troy the hobbit-sized friend) / Ryan: "He basically is, man. He's a regular banking wizard." / Dwight: "No, no, not a wizard. A hobbit."

Dwight:Dwight asks Troy: "Do you live in a regular-sized house?"

Dwight:Dwight tells Ryan's friends about weevil season on the beet farm: 'They lay their eggs inside the unripe beetroot, then, come springtime, the babies eat their way out.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight notices Troy has been to the bathroom several times and diagnoses a possible bladder infection, then offers to order cranberry juice

Jim · Dwight · Phyllis:Hank (the security guard) says he'll be there 'in just under an hour' and the staff reacts with despair

Michael · Dwight:Michael approaches the Jersey State varsity basketball team — a group of very tall women — and calls them 'Amazons'

Dwight:The basketball players send Dwight a drink; Dwight immediately suspects poisoning and sends it back

Dwight:Dwight tells the woman he meets at the club that he 'washes dogs' — then clarifies 'That's one aspect of small pet grooming'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'This needs to be shared.' — then a long pause before the next scene

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight to Ryan: 'This needs to be shared.' — then Ryan sees Dwight has been narrating the weevil situation to Michael via text/radio

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'She washes dogs' / 'I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's confessional after getting beaten up by the basketball team: 'Those girls really whaled on you bad.' / 'Why wouldn't they let me dance?'

Michael · Dwight · Ryan:Ryan's apartment: one sofa, one floor; Michael and Dwight fight for the sofa while Ryan watches; Dwight offers to sing a lullaby

Michael · Dwight:Michael/Dwight fight over the sofa: 'I got the sofa.' / 'I got the sofa.' / 'Dwight, I got the sofa, I'm the boss.' / 'Come on! I got floor!'

Dwight:Dwight: 'In case anybody needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't want to get my head stepped on.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight offers to sing Michael a lullaby; Michael refuses; Dwight: 'It's a lullaby.' — as though that settles the matter

Dwight · Ryan · Michael:Dwight offers to sing a sick-bed lullaby to Ryan; Ryan says no; Dwight persists

Dwight:Dwight: 'I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.'

Andy · Dwight · Office workers:Mad Libs scene: 'The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. Sit down, Mister Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's brutal car evaluation: 'Scratch.' / 'That's a racing stripe.' / 'Bumper's sagging.' / 'I doubt that very much.' / 'This car is crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.'

Dwight:Dwight's car purchase options: 'You can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff; you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's countdown pressure close: 'Three, two, one... / Five, four, three, two... / Say it. Do it. Now. Now. Now.'

Dwight:Dwight's org chart presentation: the yellow zigzag 'zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'What's the pink?' / Dwight: 'Menstrual cycles.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Is there anybody up here, at all, that can deal with this?' / Dwight: 'You.' / Michael: 'Other than me.'

Dwight:Dwight's 'emergency disaster mode' org chart: gives himself 'full authority over every single person in the office'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight pressures Michael to grant him authority using the same countdown tactic from the car sale

Jim · Dwight:Jim talks to Dwight about the Eagles: 'How do you live with a franchise this bad?' / Dwight: 'On a wing and a prayer, mostly.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim confessional: 'What's Dwight up to?' / Cut to Dwight in the parking lot reselling the car / Jim: 'Oh, probably nothing.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy realizes Dwight is reselling his car for profit: 'You're flipping my car for profit.' / Dwight: 'Seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional Mad Libs about Andy: 'A stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'What college did you go to, Mike?' — delivered as a burn after Michael's classist remark, then immediately: 'Let's go!'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight takes charge in the office, threatening people not to leave, culminating in Stanley walking out mid-threat: 'Stanley, do not walk out that door. If you walk out that door, so help me, I will— He left.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight: 'Stanley, do not walk out that door. If you walk out that door, so help me, I will...' — Stanley leaves. Dwight: 'He left.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Or you will suffer the consequences.' 'What consequences?' 'I will tell on you.'

Dwight:Dwight listing the tasks remaining: 'There is some filing, restocking of the supply shelves, replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight calls Michael to report the office abandonment; Michael: 'Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there. Why should they have to be there? So, what else is up?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim pairs Dwight's cell phone to his own headset and begins taking Dwight's calls as 'Dwight Schrute'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight demands Jim's earpiece; Jim refuses: 'I can't do that. Unsanitary.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim forwards Dwight's desk phone to his own; answers: 'This is Dwight.' Then aside: 'And I forwarded his desk phone to mine.' A caller says 'Oh hello, mater. Good news, I've married. Tell fater.' Jim: 'Such a nice woman.'

Jim · Dwight:'Oh hello, mater. Good news, I've married. Tell fater.' / Jim: 'Such a nice woman.'

Stanley · Michael · Dwight:Stanley: 'Oh, strike one. I hate her already.' Michael: 'I hate her too.' Dwight: 'Why do you hate her?' Michael: 'Because she...stinks...with her ways and her...head.'

Dwight:Dwight, after Michael chides him for agreeing without thinking: 'Although I will agree that her head is weird.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight decide to sell Holly an 'elevator pass.' Dwight: 'But our elevator doesn't require a...' Michael: 'Exactly.'

Dwight:Dwight on Ryan's fraud arrest: 'The real crime, I think, was the beard.'

Dwight · Michael · Holly:Dwight has put a raccoon in Holly's car as 'playful hazing.' Holly runs away screaming; Michael: 'There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!' Dwight: 'No, there's not.'

Dwight:During Michael's heartfelt speech to Holly, Dwight in background: 'It's not rabid.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Well... It's my own fault.'

Michael · Dwight:The dumplings standoff — Michael forbids leftovers, someone offers to take them to a shelter, but Dwight takes his dumplings home to his wife anyway despite Michael's rule

Dwight:Dwight talking-head: 'I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.'

Michael · Dwight:'Ex-squeeze me.' / 'No, I will ex-squeeze you.'

Angela · Dwight:Angela and Dwight's secret romantic moment in the office is followed by: 'Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.' / 'Monkey.' / 'No. No. I have a fiancé I very much like.'

Dwight · Holly · Kevin:Dwight berates Kevin over the spreadsheet — Holly intervenes, defending him. Then Holly reveals she thinks Kevin is mentally challenged: 'He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.'