Dwight Schrute

One word, two syllables: demarcation.

Safety violation. I could fall and pierce... an organ.

I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview.

I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first. Assistant to the Regional Manager.

He put my stuff in Jell-O again! That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!

'Retaliation'. Tit for tit.

That is not the expression. / Well that should be.

A hero kills people. People that wish him harm. / Ok. / A hero is part human, part supernatural, a hero is born out of a child with trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.

Ok, you're thinking of a superhero. / We all have a hero in our heart.

Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan. / That's nice, Dwight.

how many people can I fire? None, you're picking a healthcare plan.

Yes, I have an office. Bigger than his! No, you cannot use it.

In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'How, I hurt my leg... I can't run, a lion eats me, and I'm dead.'

Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead!

Uh, knock, please. Please knock, this is an office. It says workspace.

I don't need them, superior genes. I'm a Schrute... And superior brain power. Through concentration I can raise

Why would you want to raise your cholesterol? So I can lower it.

Cuts ? what ? Dwight did you make cuts? Yeah you said go in the... No no no no no.

Hot dog fingers. Government created killer nano robot infection

Killer Nano Robots ? It's an epidemic.

Count Choculitis. Sounds tough.

Let me out or you're fired. No, you can't fire me. Yes I can, I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.

Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.

Did you get your tickets? To what? The gun show.

They seem awfully chummy. Don't you think?

I love their sandwich too. Their bread is very good.

That's when they remove the uterus. Ho, God! Dwight no!

I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer. They have very good vision. One thing about me... I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.

I can breathe just fine, ok? But if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.

Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No. Frankly I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

I have absolutely no idea.

That's politics baby, get what you can out of someone, Then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.

Assistant to the regional manager. - Same thing. - No it's not. It's lower so. - It's close.

Like that dwarf, from 'Lord of the Rings'. - Gimli. - Nerd. - That is why you're not on the team.

Bless would be those who sit and wait.

Ok we'll be skins! - No. Come on Dwight. - What? Shirts on or off? - On! Put it on! - You're sure? - Yes.

A little bit of Pam, all night long. A little bit of Angela, on the sing.

Having a bathroom is a privilege, it is called a ladies-room for a reason, and if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.

We are going to have 2 men rooms.

I was out on a very very hot date last night with a girl from HR Dwight. - Really? We don't have any girls from HR. - I know that, for the sake of the story.

When she had me fill out six hours worth of paper work. - Like an AIDS test? - No... god.

Where is the clitoris?

I have been Michael's number 2 guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams, he's like Mozart and I'm like, Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart.

You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Dwight it's 50° outside don't, please - But then no one could see us. I... just... would you... put it up ? Ok, fine. Just leave it down. whiner !

Check it out. I'm terminator.

This is smaller than your old place. Yes, well I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So it's still an upgrade.

Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

10 year fixed, over 30, 30 year total - Ow 30 years ! - Ok, ok. Wow you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.

A 30 year mortgage at Michael's age, essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls, so you couldn't hear other dead people.

What the hell is a terrarium ? It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. Oh, so an aquarium.

Thank god ! It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range, it's a perfect situation for me.

And it's under the porch.

Yeah, well you know what nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst ! People loved beets ! Nobody likes beets. Everyone loves beets. Nobody likes beets Dwight.

Silver medal. Yep, but not as good as gold !

I am a Sith Lord.

Three round pieces of paper taped to his shirt. This cost me $129.

Ass.

Jim, definitely. No, Jim brings in money.

You're right. I didn't even think of him. No, Michael. Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.

Tell him not Dwight. I'm not saying that's what he said. Tell him to stop. Quiet you. Make him be quiet.

Stanley, could you come with me, please. No.

You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.

Oh, excuse me. I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ.

Well, you know what? You can go to hell too. And I will see you there... burning.

Where is my desk?

Okay, well, you're the one who lost the desk. / I didn't lose my desk

Jim, I've given you this information like 20 times. / I know.

Wash your hands Kevin.

Hello, it's sempai. / Was that you mom? / No. That was my sensei. / Thought it was your mom.

Arigato goazai mashta. Hai.

I am now sempai, which is assistant sensei. / Assistant to the sensei, that's pretty cool. / Assistant sensei.

Not that a lot of people here in America know what a sempai is. But it's equally as respected as a sensei.

As sempai, do you ever think there's gonna be a day, where humans and robots can peacefully coexist? / Impossible. The way they're programmed... / You're mocking me.

Okay, give that back to me. / Okay, say please. / No, that is not a toy. / Please. / Please? / Good. And it absolutely is a toy.

This is not a toy. This is a message, for the entire office. So that everyone could see that I am capable of physically dominating them.

No women or children, unless provoked. / Okay, Roy. / Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.

Michael. Could you beat up Michael? / Yeah, I don't think that would happen. / Cause we're friends. / Because I would kick his ass.

Oh Michael! Sleeper hold. Bedtime for vato. / Stop it. / You are, the weakest link!

When we rented Armageddon... he cried at the end of it. / No... / That was because it was New Year's Eve, and it started to snow at exactly midnight.

Did I want to harm Michael, the one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.

Watch out Kelly, might sucker punch you. / I didn't sucker punch you Michael. / No, really? In case you didn't remember, I was defending my honor. Like samouraï.

If we were in a bar, right now, there would be two punches. Me punching you and you hitting the floor. / No, I'd block your first punch, rending ineffective.

I recognize that. That is Japanese for California roll. / No it's not. / I think it is, a guy told me about that.

Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. / Wow, that is really interesting.

After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. First person to three wins, alright? / Yes, sensei! / Lot of rules. Lot of rules. On the street, we didn't have any rules. Maybe one, no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.

Okay, purple belt. / Okay, I got it. / No. / I got his pants. / That was my pants. / No points for pants.

Just put... The hospital. / Contact number: Just put 911.

I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? / Of course.

So I guess this'll just by my office. / No. No. Title change only.

Three month probationary period. Let's just not tell anybody about this right now. / Just a formality? / Absolutely. But not really.

I have so much, to learn, from you. / Yes you do. / Thank you. Sensei.

D-W-I-G-H-T.

I should check the accident reports.

Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?

It is a fitness orb. And it has completely changed my life

More enjoyable sex. You are not having sex.

Plus, improves your reflexes. See, I would've caught that.

Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double tabbed manila file folders. We don't have double tabbed manila file folders. - Oh yes we do. - No we don't. Yeah, it's a new product.

I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease. That is so stupid. What if he gives it to you? Then I win.

I need to stay focused. And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday. please don't call me and we'll see how things go on Monday.

No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?

Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday? Yeah. What?

You're going to give me this raise. I deserve this raise. Yes! Yes! Yes! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Yes! Why are you going to give me this raise?! Why?! Because, I'm awesome! I am awesome!

Let me bring up one word. Dedication. I have never, been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. Even when I had walking pneumonia.

I even come in on holidays. You do? How do you get in? I have a copy of your key.

For instance, the time brought in deer jerky for the whole office. That was deer? Gross. - Oh, god, Did not - You liked it.

It's a delicacy. And, you know what, it's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to the Antler Lodge, sample some deer, and talk about my raise.

And in conclusion, I think Lex Luther said it best, when he said, 'Dad, you have no idea, what, I'm capable of.' - That's from Superman? - Smallville.

I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's okay!

You could get a brain aneurysm... Or hit by a car... Or a bus or a train. You could get poisoned. Fall down a well. Step on a mine. Choke.

Yeast infections. There are huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're down river from that old bread factory.

'Cause it's a surprise... Is it? Mm-hmm... Oh, that's perfect.

I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight. Clarinet.

Hey, I love the Birkenstocks. Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions.

The entire opening struggle to get the Christmas tree through the door - multiple people shouting contradictory instructions

Ah, I got a splinter. / Well, suck it up. We all have problems.

Will you help me? / No! No way. It... no.

Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am, is worth, easily, like, two grand.

A real man makes his own luck. Billy Zane, Titanic.

And sinus infections can be cured by making a tea from green tea leaf stems and pouring it directly into your nose like so.

Wow, that's weird. / Ooh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.

I know you did this 'cause you're friends with the vending machine guy. / Who, Steve? / Yeah, Steve.

My wallet? Um, oh, there it is. J1.

Here you know what, you can have some nickels. 5, 10. 15, 20, 25...

Aye, aye, Captain. / A three hour tour. A three hour tour.

I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan. / Cool. / Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan. / Oh, I'd rather die.

I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. / Me. / Usually it's a woman. / I'm stronger.

I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit, and fly the plane with him. And I was four and I was great! And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

Hey, come inside and talk to me. / I can't. Do you want us to run aground woman?

Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore. / It's a fake wheel, dummy.

Dwight crashes his car into a pole while rushing to save Michael

Dwight cutting off mid-sentence about his duties, creating awkward silence

Dwight's elaborate meal preparation - three whole chickens for dark meat, no yams story

Dwight's 'indestructible' cover demonstration that immediately breaks

Dwight pretending it didn't break and continuing the sales pitch

Dwight drinking mysterious liquid from under van seat

Michael claiming Dwight can't be fired because 'I don't work in this van'

Dwight's middle name being 'Danger' vs 'Kurt'

Michael's 'That's what she said' theft from Dwight

Dwight. Hey, is it me, or does this place smell like updog? / What's updog? / Gotcha! / Oh, God! Crap.

Which is exactly how you'd want to sound if you wanted someone to think you were sick. / That's exactly what I was thinking.

Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone. So none of this is useful.

Sniffling how? / Um, how many different ways are there to gonna sniffle? / Three.

One time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out she was. With a couple of guys, actually, so. Mystery solved.

I don't tell Michael, and in exchange, you owe me one great, big, giant favor redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.

Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's-s sake.

She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.

Sales rules! Yes! Yeah! Yeah!

Should we help them pick up their stuff? No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.

They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

And you want me to come with you. - No. Opposite of that.

Screwed. What is your problem?

It's New York, city of love.

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's me. I'm the bobble head.

Yes!

I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day. Oh, I bet you will before the day is over.

You mean, like a ham? - No. Not like a ham.

Women, are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

That's what she said. Ha! I don't get it.

Grapes, seductive. ... Oh, absofruitly. Fruit, grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time.

Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?

A saleswoman has a vagina.

There had been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.

Brad Pitt. ... He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.

Good morning, Vietnam!

I can travel anywhere, except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mt. Doom.

Please, you're not taking any trip.

I am just feeling under the weather. And I think that I will go home and rest.

I've never ever seen you take a sick day. Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us.

Blood alone moves the wheels of history!

We realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. A never-ending fight. I say to you, and you will understand, that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors!

Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich every day for lunch. I don't know, if I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.

Salesmen... and women... of the world, unite. We must never acquiesce. For it is together! Together that we prevail!

Mmm. Hello, tiny one. Come on. You are the future.

There is no way that hurt. Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. I didn't feel anything. Nothing. You're so weak.

You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful. You can refer to me as Mr. Schroot. Mr. Poop? Schroot. Mr. Schroot. Sure, Mr. Poop.

The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs. And ere they dream what he is about, he takes his great sharp scissors out and then cuts their thumbs clean off.

These are cautionary tales for kids, Michael. The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. What's a Nazi?

Mr. Poop, I have to tell you something. You're ugly. Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school, so...

In the olden days the women would bear many children so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. No! They didn't eat the children. It never came to that.

Good luck. One-of-a-kind. EBay.

Let's get the party started. Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you.

Michael wants a stripper gram? Yes, but he doesn't want to know when or whom.

It's your favorite song. Yeah, when it's on the radio.

I probably care more than she does. You're making it worse.

The exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.

There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

'From Dwight. Number One.' Thank you, Dwight. That's great.

You look cute today, Dwight. / Thanks, girl.

And by the way, I haven't.

I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.

Stop! This is not Kelly Kapur story hour.

Have you ever... pooped a balloon?

That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. / No. It's marijuana.

Jinx. Buy me a coke.

Sold out! That has never happened in the history of jinx!

You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. / We test a lot of urine. / Mine was green.

I want him to have all the urine he needs.

His father's name? Dwiged Schrued.

Jim's prolonged jinx torture of Dwight

I took an oath when I was sworn in. And I broke that oath today.

Can I have a gun? / No. I don't have a gun. / I'll have to bring in my bow staff.

Dwight's elaborate search warrant explanation

On or off? Off. Okay. Oh, what is on your face? Is that a disguise?

Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?

I never smile, if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand. Either he goes or I go.

I have a girlfriend. Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.

Code name RelMax is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.

Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'

And welcome to Monte Carlo!

Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled, welcome, all.

Black-Eyed Crows.

Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Oh, I cry myself to sleep. Jim!

False. I do not miss him.

Let's call him and get the website. What's gaydar? Oh, oh, gaydar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image.

It's sold out. Yeah, sorry about that. That's a bummer. Well, they're sold out. Damn. Try Brookstone.

Okay. Who put my calculator in Jell-O?

I need to know who put my calculator in Jell-O or I'm gonna lose... my freakin' mind!

I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them. No one else in this office is gay. What about Phyllis?

Three packs of condoms. Yeeeash.

Why do they call him The Bus? Because he's afraid to fly.

You don't have email on your phone. I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello? No one just called you.

I'll talk to my buddy down at the station stat. He wasn't volunteering today.

Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

Pull over at Exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store.

Many of your blouses are Claibornes. / How do you know that? / It's part of my job. / No, it's not. It's officially not.

I have to have an emergency crown put in. / Yes. / It's a new dentist. / He's far. I might be gone three hours. / Three hours? Wow! Have fun.

And I could care less about my co-workers.

Oh, by the way, there's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings.

Your dentist's name is Crentist? / Yeah. / Sounds a lot like dentist. / Maybe that's why he became a dentist.

She demoted me. / No. / Yeah. / You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job.

I can't imagine this place without you. / Can't you? That's so nice.

I intend to lead you into the black with ferocity!

But you can be in charge of the women.

But you said you liked it. You've always admired it. / But that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible is a ridiculous choice for this climate.

Please? Please? / I don't know if I can trust you anymore. / You can't. You can't, but I promise I'll never betray you again.

You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. You're thinking of a chicken.

Dwight's elaborate cryogenic resurrection plan after death

Dwight's twin absorption story delivered matter-of-factly

I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Dwight's farm background explanation and grandfather buried in oil drum

Brain teaser sequence where Jim knows all the answers immediately

Damn it!

Is he gonna be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was, or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions?

When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.

Hey, Coselli! The Coz! The Cosby. Hey, hey, hey! I love Jell-O Pudding Pops! My son Theo love Jell-O Pudding Pops too.

I hold in my hand a beet seed. Take it. When you... Damn it.

And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.

It's called bullcrap. And a client can smell it from a mile away.

Welcome to Schrute Farm!

Mose is my cousin, and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today. In which case I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.

Wrong. Flash floods.

Depression? Wrong. He hated himself.

Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would've accepted snakes.

You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!

Ryan, just get in the coffin.

Something he whittled.

You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.

Screw gun! The sales call!

Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?

Michael always says K-I-S-S. 'Keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.

It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're gonna be screwed once this whole Internet fad is over.

Ryan the Temp vandalism sequence

Just think. That temp agency could've sent you anywhere.

You look so handsome. You really do. I love the material. I know. How come you didn't get me one? I...

Well, go with Dwight. He's single too right? Yeah, totally single. 100% available.

I don't know. Who's, uh, who's going? Ohh...you mean, like, is Pam going?

Jim reveals he's been sending Dwight faxes from himself in the future about poisoned coffee

Dwight knocking coffee out of someone's hand shouting 'Nooo!' then saying 'You'll thank me later'

When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. Right now, the title of Michael's book is Something Weird Is Going On. Colon: What Did Jan Say?

The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.

Shotgun! No, there's no one else. Still.

You send him cards? You've never met him. Well, when I do, we'll have something to talk about.

Listen, Scott. It's no longer financially viable. We're losing money, okay? It's not a charity. It's a business. And it's a dying business. Look, the whole business model of the small regional paper company simply doesn't make sense anymore. Stop... stop it. Just... Okay, he's not gonna say any of that.

You can learn a great deal about a man from his trash. Case in point: Satellite TV bill. Hm, lesson learned: He's rich.

Coffee grounds. Was he enjoying a delicious hot beverage? Or disguising the scent of cocaine from drug-sniffing dogs?

Then it was an honor to have worked with you.

My first day, when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher. That was hilarious. The foam.

What about when Jan said the branch was closing? God, Dwight.

Stamford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed! Stamford is closed! We did it? We did it! We did it!

Dwight claiming he outran a black pepper snake and is 'somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.'

Dwight's intimidation attempt with forehead staring

The awkward desk situation resolution

Andy vs Dwight title battle: 'Assistant Regional Manager' vs 'Regional Director in Charge of Sales'

Dwight's movie expertise: 'I've seen over 240 of them'

Michael's orientation video - 'Lazy Scranton' rap

Dwight coaching Karen's voicemail message to be 'more Italian'

Michael's 'Night at the Roxbury' reference and head bobbing performance

Tony's inability to get on the table leading to his resignation

Andy vs Dwight car argument ending in coughing insults

Dwight's panicked overreaction to hearing about the convict

I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsie.

Don't worry. She's dead. Oh, wait... He's dead.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Once, I brought in a duck to prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed. He was already dead.

Thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.

Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off, 'cause he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp.

As ranking number three in this office... Um, eh... I'm number three. You're number four.

It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I'm here for Michael?

Hold its neck back, insert the knife beneath the jaw, bring it all the way around. There's gonna be a good amount of blood.

You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone.

Tape recorder. For what? For recording.

Let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck

Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!

That is Animal from the Muppet Babies. You can't see my stomach...

The filename is Jamaica Jan Sun Princess.

Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment. Okay, then forget it. Okay, I accept it.

Dwight recording the meeting 'For recording' with circular logic

Jim fabricating increasingly absurd lies about Dwight being naked with a knife

Dwight frantically denying he's naked and has a knife while being recorded

Jim claiming Jim Carrey walked in and Dwight should get his autograph for Michael

Muppet Babies tattoo reveal - Karen joins in and Jim confirms it's Animal

Dwight's spy mission briefing about 'Jamaica Jan Sun Princess' filename

Dwight refusing the mission unless he knows everything, then immediately accepting

Dwight claiming credit for helping Jim with Karen, mentioning Days Inn Room 228

Sebring, by Chrysler. A heck of a motor carriage.

Why are we turning in here? This is beauty salon.

Nothing would delight me more!

7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear. / Okay, but that still leaves a 30 percent chance that I'll attack you from the front.

She could be a model. Or a college professor. Which is intimidating to a lot of guys.

That's what she said. / Don't you dare.

Although, I've loved this company more than almost anything in the world, I decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family.

But remember... while today it is me, we all shall fall.

One of my life goals was to die right here, in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.

For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.

How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.

There's nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.

Ooops. Break's over.

Have you heard of paper? It's gonna be like that, huh? I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes.

You should come back. Please. I don't want to do your laundry anymore.

How do you know it's gonna be a boy? How... Would you stop interrupting, please?

What if he's a murderer? He's not gonna be a murderer. Maybe that's how you die?

Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, tats. Of course, I want... Stop. That's disgusting.

He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.

Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Who wants some man meat? I do! I want some man meat! Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Well, then, my man meat he shall have.

I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Altoid? Sure. Mint, Dwight? 'Mint, Dwight?' Yes.

What are you doing? I... What? I don't know. I...

My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.

You look as beautiful as the Queen of England. Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left.

The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.

Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.

Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.

Also, I'm gonna need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers. I don't have that, Dwight. Damn it, Phyllis!

Excuse me, sir, how do you know the happy couple? Who? The bride and groom. What are their names? I don't... I'm not sure... I get it. I get it. Come on, freeloader. Let's move it.

Come on. I can't let you in, Michael. Dwight, just... No. It's Bob and Phyllis's orders. Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit, and have a piece of cake. I'm not even gonna dance, one song, maybe...

You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.

Dwight's life philosophy: 'Don't be an idiot' / 'Would an idiot do that? If they would, I do not do that thing'

Michael's hat-throwing graduation fantasy and prepared line 'May your hats fly as high as your dreams'

Dwight's deadpan 'Animal stool.' observation

Dwight's 'Come to papa' before discovering the bat

Jim's vampire symptoms: bread is 'white-hot' to him but cold to others

Dwight's vampire logic: 'If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a sylvania. Like Penn-sylvania.'

Dwight's werewolf hunting story: 'I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog'

Dwight's dramatic farewell: 'Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey. And I wish him well.'

Meredith's bat attack and Dwight's 'rescue' - physical comedy chaos

And now, Michael the Magic will attempt to escape from extreme bondage.

Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And, smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, go to a party early become a really good friend.

Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then, you're an idiot.

Dwight, wow- that's not appropriate. I don't know. It's a common question.

These studs are way too far apart.

Hey, who makes this chair? I don't know. It was here when I was born.

What do you know?

I found some termite damage in a crawlspace and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all... it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Don't break up, you guys. You're great together.

I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence.

I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug. / Okay, tell him that that's not true. / Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. / Jim! / Andy... Nah, that's too far.

Maybe we should test this first, Letterman-style. Throw a TV over. / We measured it once. / Go buy some watermelons. / Seedless?

Car alarm and crash aftermath response

I'm temporarily lifting the shun. / Thank you. / It means nothing.

You mean a moon bounce? / What do you think? You've got an hour. / I'm gonna need petty cash. / Shunning resumed.

Do you... do you want a drawbridge? / Un-shun. / Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

If we keep doing them, I'm not gonna want to jump. / This is about doing, not thinking.

Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? / Dwight, you ignorant slut.

It's, uh... A Repliee Q1 Expo female robot. They're only available in Japan. / Dwight, you are such a liar.

It's like slapping someone with silence.

I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug. / Tell him that that's not true. / Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. / Jim, tell him! / Andy... No, it's too far. / Damn you.

I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle. / You mean a Moonbounce. / What do you think? You've got an hour.

Do you want a drawbridge? / Un-shun. / Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.

Un-shun. Never. Re-shun.

Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? / Dwight, you ignorant slut.

They found the castle, Michael. / Damn it!

A Repliee-Q-One-Expo female robot. They're only available in Japan. / Dwight, you are such a liar.

Dwight's elaborate demerit system that eventually leads back to Michael

What's a dis... what's that? Oh, you don't want to know.

There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over.

Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer... Phallus? Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.

That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you.

Don't think she's gonna make it...

Pam!

Michael's vague illness symptoms and Dwight's medical diagnosis attempts

Ooh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste? It's possible.

Yes, funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.

We will be called Gryffindor. Really? Not Slytherin? Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim. I know.

Okay, we will be Voldemort. He who must not be named? I wouldn't do that. Voldemort. Okay, seriously... Voldemort! Voldemort, Voldemort... You really shouldn't be say... Hey, hey, hey. Voldemort. Voldemort! Idiots!

Come on, mush! Mush! Come on, you bastard! What the... Damn it, temp!

I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself.

I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager! Wow. Dwight. Dwight. Aaah! Ow. Get off there. Get off, get off. Give me the job! I'm not going to give it to you.

The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, 'Describe your act.' And the man says something really, really raunchy. And the talent representative says, 'What do you call yourselves?' And the man says, 'The Aristocrats.'

But that's my name.

Dwight, congratulations a wipe. Don't screw the pooch.

Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now, check out time is never. / Does my room have cable? / No. And the sheets are made of fire.

You're not the manager even in your own fantasy? / I'm the owner. The co-owner with Satan!

80,000 dollars a year.

My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.

Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. / How do you make a table? / You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.

Hail to the chief!

Let's call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager.

This is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch.

So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar? / Just- zip your lid!

No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again. / What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks? / The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Abandon all hope, you who enter here! / Totally!

What kind of celebrity? It's not relevant. How much did you pay for it? Not relevant. You paid for it? It all happened so fast.

Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine? Sure. I have to visit the alkie.

Any problems? Well, you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.

So... Hey, come on, don't be sad. Just... Okay? Just... She's in a better place. All right. Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer because of the odor.

Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.

As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days.

Your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago? Yes. Dwight, here, trapped it in a bag against my head.

What's your strategy for this race? Well, I'm going to start fast. Then I'm going to run fast in the middle. Then I'm going to end fast. Why won't more people do that? 'Cause they're stupid.

Excellent! Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-Lax?

You did kill her? I sang her her favorite songs. You put her in my freezer. It was beautiful and gentle and respectful.

It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed. Her name was Sprinkles. And his name is Garbage.

Most calls him Garbage 'cause he likes to eat garbage. Don't you, Garbage?

He killed an entire family of raccoons. Look at him.

What if we don't wanna use a blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?

Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side. I would prefer a public place.

My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah foundation.

Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles? Very much. How is your meat? Dry, delicious.

I heard a joke today. Oh, that's funny. Yes, it was.

Every time I look in your eyes, I see Sprinkles' stiff, lifeless body. Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here. It's an old sales trick.

What about cash? Cash can buy whatever you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever. What about a gift basket full of cash? Yes! Cash basket!

Why do you use that thing? It lets them know where you are at all times. Who? The government, spy satellites, private detectives. Ex-girlfriends.

Look... We want you back. Can you offer lower prices? Well, no. Then we're not coming back. He's not coming back. It's over. No, it's not. No, he's right. Accept it, why would he come back?

Maybe it's a short cut. It said, go to the right. It can't mean that. It's a lake there! The machine knows. Stop yelling at me! No, it's up there! There's no road here!

Remain calm. I have trained for this. Okay. Exit the window! Here we go. Make a U-turn. If possible. Look out for nature!

I can't tell if he's mocking me. - Just ignore him. Can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go. I was. Mocking. Thank you.

Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside, you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.

Who am I? (computer voice) You tell me. (computer voice) Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out.

I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

Here's a suggestion, computer. I assume you read binary. So why don't you 011-11-011-011?

But when you put paper in the shopping cart, it says, 'Thanks for shopping with Dunder Mifflin.' Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!

After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in its path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping 52... reams! Say it again-- Announcing it. 52 reams! No, no, the first part. Dwight has defeated the computer!

If you're going number one, you've got ten more seconds!

I'm Ryan, and... tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would. Because... it didn't work out for me. I'm very embarrassed. I have egg all over my face. And... I'm 12 years old.

Dwight answering phone as bed and breakfast: 'No king beds. No queen either. We make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin.'

Dwight: 'It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.'

Dwight: 'Trip advisor is the lifeblood of the agro-tourism industry. That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.'

Dwight talking head: 'In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents.'

Dwight describing room themes: 'America, irrigation, and night time.'

Dwight: 'As of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on.'

Dwight: 'Does Mose have nightmares?' 'Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.'

Or, 'Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!'

Go to my car, open the trunk, inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.

I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February, that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

Okay, why don't you just lay off, lady? 412.

'Here's a suggestion, computer.' 'I assume you read binary, so why don't you zero, one, one,' 'one, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one?'

But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, 'Thanks for shopping with Dunder Mifflin.' Damn it, Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!

I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir, maybe use them.

She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.

Surprise! - Yes! - Look at his face! - Look at his face! - What are we doing?

Here's what we brought. We brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string. Dwight brought gasoline and rubber to make stink bombs. - Or real bombs. - No, no. Not real bombs.

Dwight, are you peeing? - I'm peeing in this empty can. - Oh, my god! - That is disgusting, Dwight.

I think I cut my penis on the lid.

If we've to defend ourselves, I'll stab the security guard in the eye with the jumbo chalk. - No! No, you won't do that. Nope. - Then I'll grind up it and blow it in his eyes.

The eyes are the groin of the head.

Host the dundies.

I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office.

I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk.

It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.

The choice is yours. No, the choice is actually yours.

You would never escape. Well, yes I would. And I would survive. I would make sure that you were dead. Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. And they would call me the Overkill Killer.

It would be better if you were unconscious.

You know, try sending them another invoice. Did you see my memo by the way?

I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction.

I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.

Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. I hope he finds it.

Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... on.

All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wong Tao, Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.

In my second life, I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.

I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God is my witness, she shall bear your fruit.

Deborah Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead, car accident. Case closed.

As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.

(BOTH SINGING) You believe in rock 'n' roll? Can music save your mortal soul?

Smells good. Taste good, too. Oh, don't, that's disgusting. Lot of calories.

And then an older gentleman asks you, 'boxers or briefs?'

if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.

They lay their eggs inside the unripe beetroot, then, come springtime, the babies eat their way out.

Amazons!

Ryan told me to always tell a woman you work in finance.

She washes dogs! I know! I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but... I think I want her to meet my mom.

Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao, Joerg Rosskopf and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-sized poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall.

And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the Hall of Fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.

Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? [long pause with no answer]

And as God is my witness, she shall bear your fruit.

Deborah Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead, car accident. Case closed.

Jim, how dare you? Please, not at a time like this.

It's not gonna take her ten minutes to fax it, Jim.

Oh, we done good in there, half-pint. / Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.

Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! / You left me in a bad part of town. / Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about?

I'm gonna write you both up for not working. / I'm gonna write you up for not working. / Okay. Well played. / Neither of us will write the other up for not working.

A siesta. Time thief. Time thief. Fire him!

You had said that you don't do anything personal during work time, so I'm just making sure.

Hey, look, monkey knows how to use a stop watch, everybody.

Really. That doesn't sound right.

So I guess I can assume that was personal.

Sign this. Uh-uh-uh. Where's the please? We're not animals. Sign it. No. Not without a please. Idiot.

I have a complaint about Jim. That is not big picture. I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.

Jim won't sign my expense report... You're trying to trick me. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

I'd like to lodge a complaint... Who is this about? You... I take complaints very seriously... If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it. I'm not... That is not true.

I deserved that promotion. Not Jim... makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down... hammerlock... gasping... panting... crowd is going crazy... I emerge victorious! Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title!

Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.

Each Boston baked bean represents half-a-percent raise... Who's that? Toby. He's not a part of this, you know that. Just wanted to draw a picture of him.

I will skip a turn... You're going to still have to play that bean, you know that. I need more time.

If the people here were our Founding Fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed 10 years because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the Declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis?

Let us storm his castle. Come on, tick, let's get him, tock. Let's get Jim. Tick, and drag Jim out of his office, tock, take his keys away from him, tick, that's a clock.

I say no. No, I mean, what do you say to my plan?

I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for d-Money. 'Cause that's what i wrote on your save-The-Date.

J-Money. Or should it be t-Money, for tuna? Receptionist-Money. K-Money.

What are you making? A knife. You're making a knife with a knife? You got a better way?

You wanna talk about it? About what? You know I know. You know they know. I know none of that. And if i did, you'd be the last to know.

She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, Monotheism...

Presents on your birthday, Preventative medicine. It's nice to learn new things.

Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-Man job.

Listen to me close, 'Cause i'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize,and then date me. Or you can say good-Bye to this.

Someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick. Oh, dear.

And you slap like a girl.

Gordon Gekko 'From the insurance commercials'

If someone who barely outsells Phyllis can get in, then I should be fine. I'm sitting right here, Dwight

I meant that as a compliment to you, Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy

Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage, at least not modern cabbage

It's pronounced 'Colonel.' It's the highest rank in the military. It's pronounced 'Cornell.' It's the highest rank in the Ivy League

That's a conflict of interest. Yeah. Big one

Dane Cook, Jack Bauer and Eli Whitney

Dale Raymond Corson. I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was, in fact, James A. Perkins

Ever heard of it?

Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state

Dwight, your feedback is horrible. That's impossible.

I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes. Do I look like I am joking?

Impossible to say, I can't see myself. You're not.

I caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser!

Ring, ring. Hello? Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company.

Really? That's your real name? How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.

Buttlicker, our prices have never been lower! Stop it! Stop it!

I'm going to buy $1,000,000 worth of paper products today. See how it's done? You are the master.

You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly. Don't do it, Michael. It's a million-dollar sale.

I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo. Hobos live in trains.

They might be listening to us. What's that? Who is 'they'? Customer service might be monitoring this conversation! In this car?

Who stands to benefit from our downfall? The mob? Maybe NASA. Could be the mob.

How many shoes do you need? I'm not talking to you. Who are you talking to? Pam. She's not here, Jim. No, she's not.

I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed and breakfast which is on a 60-acre beet farm, and even better, I have an in with the owner.

You always say that, and I almost never know. What are you up to, girl? Did Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?

That's what she said. That's what she said! That's what she said! Good one.

Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her. No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight.

Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.

Is that the Matsahashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth. May I? Don't.

I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. Please feel free to call or stop by any time of the day or night.

This wedding is officially out of your hands. Thank the good Lord. Deal! Okay. What are we talking pricewise? You already said, 'Deal.' Pay him whatever he wants.

Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions. What? Are there two suns? Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda Galaxy.

It's totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot.

Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?

Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No, thank you. I'll stick with my jerky.

To socialize. And inform.

I am the bait. / For what? / Men find me desirable.

Oh, it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.

I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

That's my salad. / So wait a minute. There's no drugs? / No. / Oh, damn it. Come on!

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless...

156 PACES FROM THE LIGHT RED MAILBOX, MAKE A LEFT.

WE'LL DIG A TRENCH.

WE'RE GONNA PUT OUT STUMPS. COME ON.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.

MANURE COVERS UP THE SMELL OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE.

YOU WANT TO EAT, DON'T YOU?

CATS DON'T MAKE BUTTER.

ALTHOUGH BORN JUST MINUTES FROM HERE, HE SPEAKS ONLY GERMAN. CLOSED SOCIETY.

HE'S A REAL MINISTER. AND YOU SAID, 'I DO' AND I SAID, 'I DO.' AND ANDY WASN'T SIGNING A RECEIPT. HE WAS SIGNING OUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE AS-A-WITNESS.

Dwight's over-the-top karate demonstration with sound effects - 'Got you! Broken arm. Boom! Boom! Boom! Broken nose!'

Dwight's absurd scenario: 'You are all members of the Yakuza, visiting the Lackawanna Trolley Museum, and you are attacked by Triads'

Kevin refuses to attack Dwight: 'Last time, you pulled my pants down, and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.' 'False. I did choke you with your shoelace.'

Dwight's caveat: 'unless there happen to be measles present'

Dwight begins fighting himself in elaborate physical demonstration

Dwight's job offer: 'You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize'

Dwight's murder logic: 'It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis, the person I most medium suspect.'

31! 31! there was a car. i was ahead of the car. 31 is my new number.

what is wrong with you? she is engaged. did you ever have intercourse in this office?

where, dwight? seems like you already know where.

rule 17. don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. there are 40 rules all schrute boys must learn before the age of five.

learn your rules, you better learn your rules, if you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep

you've got to tell andy about us. that is a terrible idea. one of your worst. get it over with. then we don't have to hide anymore. you're expanding on your worst idea.

do you love me or not? i've already admitted that i do. why do you keep making me repeat it? because you're engaged to andy.

is she crazy in bed? yes. stop. how so, specifically? what? okay, listen. eager and flexible.

what are you standing for? if i'm sitting, i can't disable his neck or his groin. you're not gonna do anything to his neck or his groin. if i'm sitting, i don't have the option to.

it's over. oh, good. she broke up with you. no. it's-- it's over between you two.

she doesn't love you. she's marrying me. well, i don't know about that because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.

angela bernard. will never be her name. it will be her name, and you will have to call her that.

i will fight you. nope. okay, fine! good! a duel. the winner gets angela. fine! fine!

my bare hands. that is stupid. i will use a sword, and i will cut off your bare hands. then i'll get something too.

it's come to my attention that in any physical match with you, i would surely be bested. true. the soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly.

protect her from what? bears, you idiot? when's the last time you saw a damn bear in scranton? last year, idiot!

you're like a sasquatch. you live in the woods. sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! so fine, call me a sasquatch.

i don't get it. how could she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice? what? what? she's sleeping with you? i'm her fiance. she said she was only sleeping with me.

Dwight obsessing over a random red wire, Jim dismissing it as normal computer parts

Dwight reveals he bought 500 feet of red wire at a flea market for $20

Multiple people volunteering to seduce the fictional daughter of Prince Paper

Dwight vs Michael Denny's vs IHOP argument

Dwight's elaborate surveillance analysis of Prince Paper's storefront

Michael: 'There are clouds. Bad for business.' Dwight: 'Only if they were altocumulus, not cirrostratus.'

The 'danger signal' is licking lips, demonstrated awkwardly

Dwight to Mr. Prince's son: 'Get rid of this guy. That's my son. I'm your son now, you can visit him on holidays.'

Dwight badmouthing his boss (Michael) to Mr. Prince, not knowing Michael is listening

Dwight asking for a ride after claiming he took the bus

Michael and Dwight's excited celebration: 'We struck the mother lode!'

Michael and Dwight backing over something while fleeing

Dwight: 'Wallace would use that information to destroy them' delivered matter-of-factly

Dwight's series of nature metaphors about animals devouring each other

Dwight: 'Save your heart for love and use your brain for business'

Michael running away with the client list while Dwight chases him

Michael: 'Those people will be ruined!' Dwight: 'It's business! It's not personal!'

Last week, I gave a fire safety talk, and nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.

Today, smoking is going to save lives.

What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure? Stay... calm! Everybody just... calm down!

A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. Electricity. Shampoo.

When no one headed... 'Take headed of.' No one would take headed of my instructions. So you... 'Heed.' 'Heed.' 'Take heed of.' 'Take heed of.'

Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Clarice. (Dwight wearing dummy face mask)

I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out it's pretty realistic.

I state my regret.

You couldn't have memorized that? I could not because I do not feel it.

I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise.

My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them.

Hi, Kelly. Screw you. / Excuse me. That is no way to address a superior. / Oh, yeah? Screw you, too.

Party planning? I am a paper salesman. This is literally the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. This is humiliating.

She's out of your league, Andy. / For your information, I've been with lots of beautiful women. / Sexually? / This conversation is over.

Screw you guys. You're dead to me. / If you say screw you one more time... / Yeah, screw you, beet farmer, I didn't forget your birthday.

Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. / You haven't blown them up enough. / Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? / They match the carpet.

"It is your birthday," period. / It's a statement of fact. / Not even an exclamation point? / This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because, if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal mars.

This is how I got Squeaky Fromme. / No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. / Just go right in and kiss her.

It's Mose. Who do you think it is? / Mose doesn't know how to use a phone, so joke's on you.

How old is she? / Twenty-four. Thirty-seven. / Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?

Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center. / Juvie.

Nice job on the cake, bozo. Okay, you know what? Next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl.

Is this how you are with Pam? Because she must want to shoot herself in the face.

Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light, an intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father dressed in white pulls me forward, mother bites the cord.

Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.

Can she pick a half hour of each? No. No.

roses are red,violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a check-up,too.

i've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. also,i can retract my penis up into itself.

We will ask the questions.

Mine was retribution.

The KGB will wait for no one.

You idiot. Start over.

I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea. That was your idea. Who told you that? You did. Several times.

I wrote it down in my diary. You don't keep a diary. Yes, I do. You've just never seen it.

To keep secrets from my computer.

I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetishized it that much would have made no sense to me. Plus we weren't allowed to see movies.

I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.

I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La, and it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life

Never know when it's gonna strike. How did it pop into your head? Just... 'boom.'

There's not a dog listening in? I hear panting.

It's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death!

I just got out of the shower. One second. When you are done, open the door.

We have other houses to visit. If you wanna come back then, that'd be fine. We'll come back at... How is 4:45? I get home from work around 6:00. How about 5:15?

Michael agreeing with Jim because he's wearing a tux

Dwight suggests the exact same ice sculpture idea twice, Michael rejects it then accepts it

I said that!

Dwight stalling with Scranton coal mining history

Dwight explaining his fake assistant position

Typical American arrogance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. That's a really... World War II.

That is either an incense dispenser or a ceremonial sarcophagus. My German is preindustrial and mostly religious.

Location is hard for me with the farm... That's what I was thinking. ...and the responsibilities, so... That's what I was thinking. With the farm. You getting to wherever... It's so crucial... ...I'm gonna put my thing. Okay. So, think about it. Yeah. Let's put a pin in it for now. You know, I would love to put a pin in that.

But will be... Damn it! No, no, no. Meeting's not over.

You couldn't handle my undivided attention

All right, Dwight out! Salesman is King. As the best salesman, I am King of Kings

Oh, you say Jesus is King of Kings? Well, what does that say to you about how I think of myself?

The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president? Lincoln. The prankster is getting pranked

You are never going to find them. Really? I'm going to enjoy this. Give me the leads! Where are my leads? Give me the leads! I'm still enjoying it! Where are they? They're in the trash

All right, Meredith. Take off your dress. Okey-dokey. No, dear God, no. It's in the trashcan. In the kitchen. It's coming off either way

You know, Dwight, there was a time you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me. Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak. Yeah. Well, sometimes the acorn just stays an acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters

You've changed, man. Oh, why, 'cause I have a shot at a 100K commission? Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent. Hey, there is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes

And I had an offer from Ivan Schotsky. The Ivan Schotsky. If I had assistant managed him... Assistant to the managed him. Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at a Home Depot!

I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs

I should have been out at bars finding my soul mate, finding my wife, making babies. Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars! That's my wife you're talking about, man! Your made-up wife who doesn't exist?

You watch it! If I'd wanted to hit you, I would have hit you

Stop it! Give me that. That's my spool!

This? Why would somebody throw that out? Waste. Hey. You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple much? Yeah, she does. She loves purple

You know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. Mmm-hmm. That's it. Wow. And the caption would read... 'Hope grows.' 'In a dump.'

Is the good news that you found our leads? No. Better. We have an awesome beanbag chair that's perfect for the break room. I'm never gonna sit on that disgusting seat. Yeah, damn right you're not, 'cause it's for me and Michael only!

I have warm blood. Oh, wow. Thank you. You're the nicest person I've ever met

Oh,no! Clearly a hunter... Who knows how to throw an outfit together.

I studied him to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship,as these things ofn.

When I saw you talking to erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed. And i'm assuming a little bit of blood rushed into your penis.

Well,a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well.

I'm a better wing man than I am a boyfriend,so... I just want you and I to hang out,you know. Just... Boom.

These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. There's not enough blood getting to my hands.

Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.

When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland.

And in that chaos, I soared.

I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.

Like a wolf, thank you.

No, Mose is fine. I roped it off.

Very cool, very Will Smith-esque

So is this for a movie that you're writing? No. Can I use it? No!

Is the cool new guy Charles? I've said too much. Is it Stanley?

I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.

At what time? Noon. You have two seconds.

I hit a bear. He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo.

You? Me. What about our truce? I broke it. On purpose? Yes.

And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!

I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age seven?

Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, 'Great salesman, better friend.' 'Tall' and 'Beets.'

And say hello to Shari, who is your black wife.

Spin move!

I barge, because I care.

I color-code all my info. I wrote 'gay son' in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means, 'Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?' Most colors mean, 'Don't say it.'

How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?

Really? Does he do good work or... - No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist.

We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.

Oh, man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure. - What is wrong with you?

You don't crack a case. It has a pejorative connotation. Like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.

One. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Case closed.

Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize.

Detonator? Detonator. Where? Michael! Jim, are you clicking a detonator?

One thing you need to know about me, I don't quit until something tears or pops.

To see you naked while I'm naked.

Who eats eight protein bars? People who don't trust egg whites.

If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one, jump! No! You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive.

The only logical way to find out if Donna is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.

I got her! Ooohhh... not cool, dwight. Not cool, man.

I will take your silence to mean that you're all hiding something.

There's only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in ohio, and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learner's permit at age 14 1/2 instead of 15.

Erin, let me see your birth certificate.

This is like a haunted coffeehouse? No, Dwight is confusing you. It's more of a disco. A haunted disco!

Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries, but more common than wrist injuries. I don't need a history lesson, okay? What do you think history is?

If you want to get sick, you go to a hospital.

This shirt wasn't doing you any favors.

My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast, so tender.

This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water-resistant as well as traps heat.

You can't steal what is legally your property.

Are you sure that's not the gay ear? Are you 12 years old?

Ow, son of a bitch! Andy, that was just the ice.

I don't condone leaving early. But I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know.

I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.

How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four? Five? Six? Seven? Eight?

Send in the subs.

And you're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs at night.

One of you will make a great mother.

You told people that i use store-Bought manure When i showed you where my manure comes from.

Really? I'm sorry. I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden.

If we were, I wouldn't have to worry, 'cause we'd have universal health care.

From who, Dr. J?

Y'all having birthday cake? - That's not a very good Darryl.

Get the camera. Start taping. Drive! Worker's comp my ass!

Because you look exactly alike.

Then why is there new wood only on one railing?

No judges gonna believe that.

I have a complaint about Jim. That is not big picture. I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.

Oh, man, makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing, and then flip him over and then put him in a hammerlock and he's gasping. He's panting for every last breath. And the crowd is going crazy and boom, I emerge victorious! Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title!

Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.

If the people here were our Founding Fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed 10 years because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the Declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

Is he as matronly as Phyllis?

Let us storm his castle. Come on, tick, let's get him, tock. Let's get Jim. Tick, and drag Jim out of his office, tock, take his keys away from him, tick, that's a clock.

No, I mean, what do you say to my plan?

Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pickup destination in the history of the universe.

For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster. There's a name. Two years ago, she was selling a mountain bike.

Is that all you have on her? Well, if this is in fact her, because it's a very common name. Okay, you're an idiot.

Hello. My name is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this, you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced.

I'm afraid we're all sold out. Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number, Romeo-Tango-G-seven-seven-four-five.

If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in the bathroom and she sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay, okay?

The bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt. Ew! That's right. It is ew. It's very ew.

In 1996, her 10th grade volleyball team went ten and two. What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight? That's a very good record.

Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight. No, they're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of howling during sex.

Nine and three-quarters. I invented a device called 'burger on the go.' It allows you to obtain six regular-sized hamburgers or twelve sliders from a horse without killing the animal.

Sears said no.

I found twins. Oh, my God. Twins. Aren't they magnificent? They're men, Dwight.

That's Michael. You're out with Michael? And Dwight. Hey-oh!

Too busy knocking boots.

She made love like a tiger.

Look, she's a dental hygienist from Carbondale, and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass.

Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed. 'cause this place is awesome.

Even better than my home. My home sucks.

Think you're right. Definitely looks suspicious. And his southern italian heritage raises some flags.

Guys, I drive an SUV. Does that mean I'm in the mob? - No, not that by itself. But look at all the facts.

All Mobsters have a front. Sometimes it's selling insurance. Sometimes, it's waste management or sanitation.

'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, not 'mukduk.'

Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horse's chopped-off head in your bed. - That's not gonna happen. - That's an exaggeration.

If I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion. And I have to justify it somehow, so I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.

Do you know how to use it? - To change tires? No. But... it's metal. I could hit somebody.

The bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except this roach motel.

You want to separate the head from the thorax. - Cool it.

Bring him the gabba-gool! - I will have the spaghetti.

Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic? My battery's dead. I've got my kid. Can you please help? - Yes, I can.

Black goes on the red with the... If we... Positive... It being a motor drive, it's just probably... down.

You got a leaky spark tube. So your car's totaled. You're just gonna want to get a refund on that.

I work exclusively on motorcycles.

You were man enough to back down, michael. I'm proud of you. - I had to make a snap decision. - It wasn't a snap. You were sitting there for an hour.

I have a buddy who's a fed, and we did a background check on the guy. - I have friends still on the force. Checked with them. - Ran his fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take.

More trunk space. Or should I say corpse space?

Guys, I drive an SUV. Does that mean I'm in the mob? No, not that by itself.

John Gotti, you idiot. It's a completely different name. What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti? It weakens it.

'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, not 'mukduk.'

If I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion. And I have to justify it somehow, so I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.

Do you know how to use it? To change tires? No. But... it's metal. I could hit somebody.

The bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except this roach motel.

I'm calling from The identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.

My battery's dead. I've got my kid. Can you please help? Yes, I can.

Black goes on the red with the... If we... Positive... It being a motor drive, it's just probably... down.

You got a leaky spark tube. So your car's totaled. You're just gonna want to get a refund on that.

I work exclusively on motorcycles.

I had this car, 'cause... This Italian car. And I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil. But I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day, it exploded. And it killed everyone.

Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car? It was before my technical training.

You were man enough to back down, michael. I'm proud of you.

We just told you he wasn't mafia so you wouldn't be scared. You successfully backed down the mob. You made the mafia apologize to you. You made the mafia be polite.

This conversation has two items on the agenda. Did we have a conversation scheduled?

I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, track Jim, and destroy Jim.

Just like in the Bavarian fairytale. Only this time the mallard skins the toad alive.

And, of course, in this version, you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.

Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter, and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday, I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.

What the hell is a mallard? That! Oh, Professor Damon D. Duck. Jim gave him to me.

I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.

Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard. Make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane.

Oh, why, is there a place closer that sells them?

You owe me one. You all owe me one.

Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. You're thinking of deer penis.

Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor, which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore?

Jeez... When did everyone get so cynical?

Oh, that's right, you're a woman, and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please, Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.

Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.

Gosh, these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos.

Damn it! I am no closer to taking Jim down. Ugh, what a waste of the day. I could have grown poison mushrooms that'd be this high by now! They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.

Fire Jim. No. I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him! What are you talk... Do it! Promote me. Tri-managers? Forget that. Can I have an office? No. You know what? You can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it!

You owe me one. You all owe me one.

Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. You're thinking of deer penis.

Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore?

Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical?

Feel it against your cheek. I will.

Gosh, these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos!

Damn it! I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could've grown poison mushrooms that'd be this high by now!

Fire Jim. No. I'm cashing in the favor, fire him. What are you talking... Do it.

You know what, you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face, I'm keeping it.

You cannot go wrong with a throat punch.

False. I did choke you with your shoelace.

Dwight fighting himself with elaborate self-narration

You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms... as human scarecrows.

It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most.

Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.

Not again. Bow down before Recyclops.

Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?

Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?

Recyclops will drown you in your over-watered lawns!

Recyclops will have his revenge!

Oh, is today Recyclops Day? Yes. I thought you were killed by Polluticon or something. Polluticon wishes.

Humans are terrible for the environment.

If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.

Dwight Schrute, Scranton Branch. I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day.

A take-a-number option, like they have in a deli. What about line varieties? Like an express line for quick comments of 10 words or less.

What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to?

In approximately six hours Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired.

I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.

I didn't mean any of those things I just said.

In an ideal world I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.

Yeah, but, in your perfect world, only you get money.

What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin...

My diabolical plot is on hold for christmas.

I had the exact same idea For catching osama bin laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it To find himself... In jail!

I...Don't want to say. But it's fun to stay at the... Where? Holiday inn. I don't--

I am Computron, your answer to everything.

What is the world's largest ocean? Calculating. Pacific!

Great news, Michael, we're now the official paper supplier of the NFL. That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working.

They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it. Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better. No, Computron, actually, I think Coopers is the best.

He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff than you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder.

Ignore him. He's the local lunatic. Come on, Dwight, get out of here. Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron.

I wear many hats, but the one I'm wearing currently is that of gracious host.

Today, smoking is going to save lives.

Yeah. It's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.

Why did you get it so big? That's what she said. Does the skin look red and swollen? That's what she said. That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.

Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas. You're so pathetic. Well, I hope it was worth it, because I'm going to take it apart in about five minutes. I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

If I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes, I ought to be able to cut my... Damn it! Jim!

He put my stuff in Jell-O again. Bang, boom, shake, klump!

Question, what kind of bear is best? That's a ridiculous question. False. Black bear. Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought. Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

Computron experiencing emotion. Computron, I'm going to pull your plug, okay, buddy? Please don't. Computron wants to live. Shut... Shut up. Shut up.

Sittin' in my office With a plate of grilled bacon Call my man Dwight Just to see what was shakin'! Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty So check out how we live In the Electric City! They call it Scranton! What? The Electric City!

Impossible. He opened it like an ape.

Welcome. Scranton hotdog from Scranton?

Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.

That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life. / Well, suggest something else then, don't just-- / He's supposed to cut his leg off? / Don't just criticize my idea! / Think! / You think of something then!

Like Frodo. / Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay, dumb jock? / Well, I think he can be corrupted, like Gollum. / Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.

God, when this whole thing is done, I'm gonna bring you out to the farm and read you the entire trilogy and show you what an idiot you are.

No, the cops called us.

Boss for--what was it? Oh, 4 1/2 hours? New record, low. Previous record, Henry Rostin. Boss for nine years, four months, and he only left because he had family matters to attend to.

I can't help but think that something we did made this possible. / Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.

Why not? / No, because martini bars are pretentious! No, thank you. / I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know? / It is not farm boy swill. I will show you. It is beet vodka, and it is delicious.

My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus... The doctor says he's never seen it beard so quickly.

I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one.

Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.

Bear my child.

If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything.

Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 p.m. In our old meeting spot and bang it out.

then weaned onto a nutrient-rich, winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus.

It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.

In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. Got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.

Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday?

I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets.

Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's and the umlauts.

Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick.

Give me a couple days. Be out of your hair.

I decided to give Baby Halpert the newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back 55 bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper.

I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find was mold, and lots of it.

I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets.

The odds of them getting together were insurmountainable.

I made a family. I got these two together and I made a family. This man has a gift.

Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any?

I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person.

You got to let the cookies cool before you pop them in your mouth.

Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's and the umlauts.

Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?

I think I'm going to be sick.

I couldn't find your iPod. Give me a couple days. Be out of your hair.

Mega-desk. Command central. Surveillance, scanning, and business.

Tweedledee and tweedledum ass have been away on maternity leave. But now tweedledum ass is back, and we have a problem.

Getting more...Mega-desk. That is all I care about.

False. I am an island. And this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt with the molten hot lava of strategy.

I thought my mother was my father and my wet nurse was my mother. / That's a common mistake.

Turned out fine for me, but mose... Oh...Same story, different ending.

* Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon * [Jim trying to work while Dwight sings loudly]

Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say jesus is king of kings? Well, what does that say to you about how I think of myself?

What are you doing, idiot? Michael's stupid scavenger hunt. Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.

The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president? Lincoln.

There was a time you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me. Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak. Yeah. Well, sometimes the acorn just stays an acorn.

You've changed, man. Oh, why, 'cause I have a shot at a 100k commission? When do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent. Hey, there is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.

I would be number two right now at a home depot! 'cause they promote from within! I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.

I should have been out at bars finding my soul mate, finding my wife, making babies. Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars! That's my wife you're talking about, man! Your made-up wife who doesn't exist?

You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, boy.

That's my spool!

Purple much? - Yeah, she does. She loves purple.

Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. - Mm-hmm. - That's it. And the caption would read... Hope... Grows... In a dump.

We have an awesome beanbag chair that's perfect for the break room. Eech! I'm never gonna sit on that disgusting seat. Yeah, damn right, you're not, 'cause it's for me and michael only!

That would be sublime.

A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this. / Ooh. I love repartee. / Do you? / Usually means there's a battle scene coming.

Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining childbearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.

No, no, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall, thick. A big, physically big family.

I wish he'd come after me. I would be like... / Dwight Schrute! / Dwight Kurt Schrute. Shut up, what?

Whack. / You will see me in small claims court!

She's kind of a rube. That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

Erin is just weird. How many pillows do you sleep on at night?

Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.

Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.

Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.

Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.

Wait, what? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.

That's like... That's... That's like Mr. & Mrs. Smith crap.

Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.

I kneel before you. Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.

Buenos diaz, dwight! Guten tag, herr michael.

I don't understand why michael Is wasting his time with spanish. I have it on very good authority That within 20 years, Everyone will be speaking german. Or a chinese-german hybrid.

If you'd have told me this morning That today I'd be creating a monster Capable of my own destruction, I'd have thought you were referring To the bull moose and I are trying to reanimate.

Indians migrated from the caucuses region of europe. Therefore, technically, she is caucasian. You're welcome, america.

This is hide tohsi hasagawa. He would like to apply for The sabre minority executive training program 'print in all colors' initiative. Dwight, what are you doing? Helping heal america In a dramatic fashion In the 11th hour.

Just once, I would like to be a puppet master And have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?

Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize.

$100 a day, plus expenses. I'll give you $50. Money's no object.

You might not like what I find. Okay. And you might not like how I find it.

All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out If donna is a cheater is to seduce her, Bring her to orgasm, then call michael And tell him the sad news.

Ah! Ah... - You okay? - Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people That uses the whole body? Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about. Tractor pulling.

One thing you need to know about me, I don't quit until something tears or pops.

Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right?

We both know why I'm here: To see...You...Naked... While...I'm...Naked.

Who eats eight protein bars? People who don't trust egg whites.

What she actually said was, 'what is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him.' And this was after I have no other recourse But to tell her and gym security That you had sent me there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly.

I will do legal jujitsu on you.

See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.

You were supposed to be the lookout. Yeah, well, it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag.

...unless we're unplugged... and wake up in the future.

Do you understand how rare that is in nature?

Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Schrute man.

Put your hand up, Norma Rae. If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.

The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. Old Mister Bernard, Who have you silenced today?

Thanks a lot, Big Brother. You're with Big Brother?

I already got to yours, Kev. No, that's cool. Sometimes I run. I'm a runner.

Are you referring to alchemy?

Make them an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, lowball them.

And? You did it. What? Based on what? Just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you.

Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now and sit with it, see how it feels?

I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston. Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you.

Like Buckingham Palace.

Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.

Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.

Then burn the list.

The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man. That's right. The janitor said that.

I wouldn't know for sure 'cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these.

So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.

Okay, that's weird. I was just hitting 'door close.' What? There we go. Well... Good.

I got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner.

To a child's imagination that's mister fork, And lieutenant knife, and miss fork

And a soy sauce packet. That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed

We come fully equipped with a restroom, Feeding trough, play bucket

No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible

Boycott the steamtown mall! Everyone, you heard me. Cancel all your business with the steamtown mall!

they're appearancist!

You guys know me, you know that I'm... Not one for fancy things

to get his blood pressure at the rite aid

they started taking pictures of me With their mobile phones

Wait, less matching to appear more rich?

Can I say, 'good month?'

It was beet juice. I'm a beet farmer

You made a big mistake! Huge!

Last time I went to the theater, A man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.

Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.

His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.

Why are you dressed like a seed catalog model? These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.

Contractually, we're obligated to have sex. Well, I won't tell if you don't. I will tell. I will tell the mediator.

I pick up day laborers and tell them that they'll get paid at 6:00 p.m. At 5:45, a certain I.N.S. Agent, by the name of Mose Schrute, throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada.

Scranton. Y... before that, la Philadelphia.

Yeah. I got stung up my dress. Poor hornet.

If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets. And if he doesn't? He'll die. What? Beg your pardon?

When did the phrase 'do or die' become so corrupted?

Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She... Jan knows paper. No, not paper. Relationships.

Someone died in the upstairs bathroom, didn't they? No.

I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms... Flower shops, fireworks celebrations... Fence with a hole in it. Moonlit gondola. Carriage ride through Central Park.

Also, he slept with Pam. No, he didn't.

So anyway, she says, 'That is the biggest penis I have ever seen.' And I said, 'I know. That's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are $1,000.'

You are busy! We're in a meeting! What? It's Jim, okay? Yes.

Yes. What'd he say? What did he say? The big gun thing. Stop.

Meredith Van Helsing? Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer. Okay. But what is he more famous for?

People can't keep their true natures hidden for long, and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire.

I'm going in! I'm going in! Michael! No, Michael, stop it!

She is one of the plain, hearty women of Scranton that make this city great.

Dwight insulting Angela's Olive Oyl costume as his mother

They would set up hand-desanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, Fecal matter.

So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you. Yes. I would welcome it. You're welcome.

I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.

I would like to offer A 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products If you buy a printer at full price

Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming! I will not stand idly by While these Mexican villagers are sick. We're actually building 'em a school. Whatever.

Why aren't they building it themselves? They don't know how. Do we know how? I don't know how.

Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something? I can make myself cry. Do that. Do it.

In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.

Just go to Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suet, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do, really. Tie a piece of string to it, tie the other end to her toe, pop the suet in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours.

I've always considered us to be very good friends. Great friends.

Surprise me. No. Pepperoni.

She needs to be serviced.

She is in heat. She will eat your face off.

Uh-oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen up, listen up. Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.

Every fall, growing up, my uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it Hay Place. Eldred called it Hay World. Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on.

Do you like dogs? / I have, like, eight dogs. / Hay Place romances never last.

Actually, I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay. / Roll in the hay, $5, please.

I found the needle in the haystack! / Hey, congratulations. Do you know what your prize is? Nothing. Life lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.

We appear to have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... Me. I am your Hay King!

Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.

Mother Earth by Dwight Kurt Schrute. The water runs, the sun will glint. This is our environment. The Hay King steps upon the ground. He wields a giant man sword round. He penetrates the Mother Earth, once, twice, again and again and again and again for all he's worth, pounding into her soft, warm dirt. Her lips quivering, mounds shaking in ecstasy. And sudden relief.

20 minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pededexterity of a chimp and you'll be sitting there like an idiot.

Allow me to write you an apology letter. D-e-a... oops, space, 'a. Dear...'

thank you, hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do.

Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately.

And by green, I mean money.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is that not good enough for your anus?

Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

'Which is you' is not a sentence.

And 25 years from now, Cece will become world famous for stripping.

they say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again.

I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion.

Oh, my God! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams? It's not even a real snow. Look, it's a dusting. It's pitiful.

Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You could have killed me! Don't be such a baby. Yeah, who's a little girl now?

Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter. You got it. That sounds awesome. Can we all do it? No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it.

Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!

I've looked her up online. There's nothing about her. She's made no impression on the Internet.

I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.

Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you're gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.

Damn it, Dwight! Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim?

You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch. You're a psychopath.

In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.

Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels.

One of our many recent good deeds, we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.

I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs. Ha, ha, ha. Screw you.

What are you gonna do now? You gonna make fun of our leader's weird voice, huh? 'Dwight, don't be bothered...' Over the line, Jim.

Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag. Oh, come on. That sounds awesome. It was pretty cool. Was it? It was fun. It was... It was pretty awesome.

We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels.

One of our many recent good deeds, we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.

No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs. (SARCASTICALLY) Ha, ha, ha. Screw you.

Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.

Oh, come on. That sounds awesome. It was pretty cool. Was it? It was fun. It was... It was pretty awesome.

I've achieved plenty, and there's no better than the best.

Jim's childhood reading group story - blue group vs green group

Problem solved, everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael.

You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.

Male, Caucasian, 40s, black hair, facial type, marsupial.

He answers to Michael, Michael G. Scott, Michael J. Fox, Mr. Fox, the Incredible Mr. Fox...

Oh, really? You don't think he walked by that bakery just for the smell of it? She's right. He went that way.

Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. Let's ride.

Pam, this isn't a shopping trip. No. This is a manhunt/rescue mission.

Pam, I'm obviously gonna get that stuff for you, so just shut up. God.

Hey. Hey, you were in there forever. There's too many brands. Where's Holly? She wandered off like an idiot.

What are you doing? Just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now. Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore.

Real original. What? You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me. Tootenbacher. Orville Tootenbacher, that's Michael's millionaire character that farts popcorn.

You knew. What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... What are you implying? Uncanny.

Close your eyes. We need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now?

As has Angela. As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith...

What if two couples want to go at the same time?

One, you're taking MDMA, street name, Ecstasy. I've done it, and I know the feeling.

Or three, you're at an age where your sexual climaxes aren't as powerful, so you need to overcompensate with foreplay, taboo behavior. Yes, it was that. It's that one.

fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago

Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.

I wanted Samuel's voice to be like this. But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advanced android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.

He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned? Then what was the point of spilling the drink on me?

You're eating eight-year-old tomatoes. They're still good for another week.

Kevin will be eaten. Pam will be taken slave. Jim will be made a warlord's Jester. Meredith will do okay.

Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months. Three months. - Could be. - Four months.

494 months. I could see that happening. 495 months. That's just...

'Packer was here and so was your mom.'