Shareholder Meeting

Dwight:Okay, so you're a yakuza enforcer, I'm a triad boss, we're in a dispute over territory in the warehouse district. You approach me menacingly. What do you do?

Dwight:No, no, no. You're overthinking this. Here's what you actually do: you throat punch me.

Kevin:The last time I attacked you, I peed my pants.

Kevin:Dwight tried to choke me.

Dwight:I succeeded.

Jim:You know who should fight Dwight? Dwight.

Dwight:I am a master of martial arts. I can fight myself with one hand tied behind my back.

Dwight:Hyah! You think you can beat me? I invented this move!

Dwight:Oh, that's a cheap shot. Very dishonorable.

Dwight:You're going down, Schrute.

Dwight:Not if I have anything to say about it!

Dwight:Ow! That actually hurt.

Dwight:I'm just getting warmed up.

Dwight:This is the most impressive fight I've ever seen.

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, so we have a clear winner here. Dwight's going down.

Jim:But wait—Dwight's coming back! Oh no, he's in trouble now!

Jim:This is anybody's game, folks.

Jim:It's actually a really close competition between me and Dwight.

Jim:Right now it's pretty much neck and neck.

Dwight:Michael, did you get my email about the quarterly reports?

Michael:Your email? Dwight, I get like three emails a day. One's from corporate, one's a FedEx notification, and one's from you. So yeah, I got it.

Dwight:And?

Michael:And what? I'm the Regional Manager. I don't have time to read every email that comes across my desk.

Michael:Erin, have you seen the journal?

Erin:Oh, your feelings journal? I didn't know you kept one!

Michael:What? No, the expense report journal.

Erin:Oh... well, that's less fun.

Jim:The article cuts off mid-sentence about potential bankruptcy... there's a paywall at the worst possible moment.

Dwight:I'm offering positions as human scarecrows. You stand in the fields, wave your arms around, keep the crows away.

Jim:That's... that's not a real job.

Dwight:It is at Schrute Farms. And I'm prepared to sweeten the deal—you have to bring your own clothes, and you don't get paid until the season ends.

Jim:You're really not helping your case here.

Dwight:Also, you'll be working with my cousin Zeke. He bites.

Michael:Okay, well, see you later, alligator. After while, crocodile. In a while, crocodile. Adios, amigos. I said good day!

Jim:Did you throw up in the bathroom?

Michael:No. Why would you even ask me that?

Michael:You know, smell is just a particle in the air. If you don't think about it, it doesn't exist. It's like that tree falling in the forest thing. You know what I'm saying?

Andy:Erin, I've been thinking about this for a while now. You know how I call myself a 'puppy'? Well, I think it's time I showed you my... I mean, I want to take you out. On a date.

Erin:Oh my god, really?

Andy:Yeah, I'm really going to put myself out there. I'm going to be vulnerable, like a dog. And, uh, speaking of which, did you know that a dog's sense of smell is 10,000 times better than a human's? Because that's how well I can smell how much I like you.

Erin:That's so sweet!

Andy:And also, a dog has a knot at the base of—

Erin:Okay, I'm going to stop you right there.

Jim:Monkey see, monkey do.

Michael:Monkey pee, monkey poo.

Michael:I have an announcement to make. Everyone, gather around.

Michael:There's been a murder.

Michael:Just kidding. But I do have news about the company.

Michael:I have something to tell you all, and I need you to stay calm.

Michael:Someone in this office is going to die today.

Dwight:What?!

Michael:We're playing a murder mystery game.

Michael:You know, Solitaire got me through some really tough times. And Minesweeper. Those games taught me that if you make one wrong move, everything blows up in your face. Kind of like my marriage.

Jim:This is a terrible idea.

Michael:Oh come on, remember when you said that about the Dundies? And look how that turned out.

Jim:So when you're co-managing with someone, you have to compromise on everything. It's not ideal, but it works.

Dwight:I have a vision for this office. A hamster tube city that connects all the desks.

Jim:And I said no to that.

Dwight:We compromised. Now it only connects some of the desks.

Michael:So you create a character by giving them a backstory. Kevin, your character... let's say your parents never loved you.

Kevin:What?

Michael:It makes you more interesting.

Michael:Kevin, you were kicked by a horse?

Kevin:Yeah, it was awesome! I've always wanted to know what that felt like.

Andy:Wait, so we're... siblings?

Erin:I guess we are! This is so weird.

Andy:Weird doesn't even begin to cover it.

Erin:I mean, remember when we almost...

Andy:Yes. I remember. We're not going to talk about that.

Michael:So I'm this total playboy, right? I'm living in a penthouse, I got a different woman every night, I'm throwing parties...

Michael:But then I realize... I'm just really lonely. And these women, they don't even know my real name. They just call me 'hey you.'

Michael:And sometimes I cry into my silk pillows, you know? Because deep down, I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm not a terrible person.

Jim:Yeah, I mean, the point of saying 'I do declare' is to emphasize that you're declaring something. But if you're already saying it, we kind of got that. It's like saying 'I am speaking words right now' while you're speaking words.

Jim:What southern woman are you basing this accent on?

Michael:Delta Burke. Delta Burke, Delta Burke.

Michael:Oh! Deborah... Deborah Utante. That's... that's a great name.

Michael:Do you see what they did there? Deborah... U tant... You didn't?

Michael:No, no, no, Pam. You have to really commit to the accent. Listen: 'I'm fixin' to go down to the Piggly Wiggly.' See how I'm pulling from deep in my diaphragm, like I'm gargling sweet tea and magnolia blossoms?

Pam:Michael, I'm just reading the line from the script.

Michael:It's not about the script, Pam. It's about channeling the spirit of the South. You need to imagine you're wearing a white linen suit, and you're sitting on a porch watching fireflies dance like tiny golden angels in the humid night air.

Michael:Hey Creed, listen to this accent I've been working on.

Creed:Can you do the voice of Sweetums from the Muppets?

Michael:What province is the Swedish Chef from?

Creed:He's not from a province, you idiot. He's from Sweden.

Michael:Right, but what province of Sweden?

Creed:Sweden doesn't have provinces, genius. They have counties. And he's from Värmland.

Darryl:Hey, what's going on?

Michael:Where were you? We've had a situation.

Darryl:I was in the warehouse. Why?

Michael:Well, that's convenient. You arrive right after the incident. I'm not saying you did it, but the timing is very suspicious.

Stanley:I'm not into dark arts because I want to be. I'm into dark arts because Harry Potter made it look so cool.

Dwight:The killer is obviously someone with access to the crime scene. That narrows it down to everyone in this office. Second, the killer must have motive. Again, everyone here has motive. Third, the killer must have means. We all have means. Therefore, the killer is definitely one of us.

Dwight:False. Well, not false. There are three types of suspects: highly suspect, medium suspect, and not suspect. Jim is medium suspect.

Erin:Well, well, well. I have a gun in my garter belt and a badge in my bra. I'm looking for a man to take me into the back alley and show me your... criminal record.

Andy:Erin, would you like to go out with me?

Erin:Oh my God, yes! Yes! *makes excited noises*

Andy:Wait... I think I just asked out Sprinkles.

Oscar:Look, the problem with this company is that they've reduced everything to its simplest form. Seeds and dirt. That's it. No complexity, no nuance.

Michael:No, no, no. That's not right. Phyllis didn't do it.

Phyllis:Michael, the game said I did.

Michael:I don't care what the game says. You're not a killer, Phyllis. You're a saint.

Andy:Are you excited about our date?

Erin:Oh my gosh, yes! I'm so excited! This is going to be amazing!

Andy:Great! So what do you want to do?

Erin:Well, I'm thinking we could go to that new Italian place downtown, or we could catch a movie, or we could just walk around and talk. I'm really flexible!

Andy:Erin, are you okay? You're being kind of... enthusiastic.

Erin:What do you mean? I'm just being myself!

Andy:No, I mean, you're like, responding as the character version of yourself, not the actual you.

Erin:I don't understand what you're saying.

Andy:We should go to Savannah steakhouse sometime.

Erin:Oh my god, yes! I've always wanted to visit Savannah!

Andy:It's a restaurant, Erin.

Erin:I know, a five-star restaurant in Savannah, Georgia!

Erin:Wait, so you're telling me that wasn't a real date?

Erin:Oh my god. I can't believe I fell for that.

Jim:So we're stuck between Michael being completely unhinged or Michael being competent. Those are literally our only two options and somehow both are terrible.

Jim:Which is worse - snapped or stuck?

Pam:Stuck, because snapped means it's already broken, so you know what you're dealing with. But stuck could go either way.

Michael:I'm dead. This is my corpse. I've been here for three days. Look at me. I'm covered in flies. My skin is starting to decompose. There's a pool of blood underneath me.

Jim:Michael, David's on the phone.

Michael:I can't take this call right now, Jim. I'm in the middle of something very important.

Jim:It's David Brent.

Michael:Oh my God. Put him through. No, wait. Tell him I'm busy. No, actually—put him through.

Michael:David! Hey! How are you, buddy? Listen, I just want to say that game I invented? Stupid. Dumb idea. Don't do it. I'm an idiot.

David Wallace:The company's financial situation is dire. We're facing significant losses and potential bankruptcy.

David Wallace:This is in stark contrast to the silly game happening in the warehouse right now.

Jim:So what's the news? Is the company going under?

Michael:No, no, no. But I do have some very exciting announcements. Dwight and I are starting a fantasy football league.

Jim:That's not company news.

Michael:Well, it's news to the company. Also, we're doing a bracket for March Madness. Losers have to wear a dunce cap for a week.

Jim:Michael's management style is like a parent on a lifeboat trying to distract the kids from the fact that we're sinking. He's doing these little games and jokes, but everyone knows the ship is going down.

Stanley:You know what? Acting like I'm interested in this murder mystery game all day has been the hardest work I've done in years.

Jim:Everyone being double agents defeats the purpose.

Phyllis:Okay, okay, I'm out. This game is getting way too intense.

Phyllis:I'm grabbing my purse and I'm leaving like this place is actually on fire.