Dinner Party

Michael:I just got off the phone with corporate. I told them exactly what I thought about this overtime assignment.

Michael:I said 'You know what? That's not fair to my employees.' And you know what they said?

Michael:They backed down. Because they know I'm not someone to be messed with.

Michael:I fought the good fight out there.

Jim:Wait, you created a fake work crisis just to get us to go to dinner with you?

Michael:It's not fake if people believed it.

Jim:That's... that's literally the definition of fake.

Dwight:Why would I even want to be invited?

Dwight:(long pause, clearly hurt)

Michael:Jim! What have you been up to? It feels like forever!

Jim:Well, I left my desk, walked to the break room, got some coffee, talked to Pam for like ten minutes, then I went to the bathroom, came back, checked my email, and now I'm here talking to you. So... about an hour.

Jan:Oh, wine. How... thoughtful. You know, I actually have a very refined palate. I've been taking wine appreciation classes.

Jan:This is a... nice Barefoot Cabernet. Very... accessible.

Michael:This is my dual space setup. Very sophisticated. I come here to work on my odles.

Pam:You mean doodles?

Michael:No, odles. It's French.

Michael:Mmm, bonfire scent.

Michael:Bond... fire. James Bond!

Michael:The name's Scott. Michael Scott.

Michael:When I get angry, I have a foolproof technique. I light a candle, I smell it, and I just... let the anger go.

Jan:I decided to upgrade to a more sophisticated paint color. It's called eggshell.

Michael:That's nice.

Jan:It was very expensive.

Michael:How much more expensive than regular paint?

Jan:Well, it's the same paint. I just told them it was for a sophisticated woman.

Pam:Oh wow, Michael, this is such nice furniture!

Michael:Thanks! Yeah, I actually sleep on that bench over there.

Pam:Oh, that's a cute decorative piece.

Michael:No, I actually sleep on it. Every night.

Michael:I'm not sleeping on a bench. I'm curling up on that puppy.

Michael:I just bought the biggest TV money can buy!

Michael:Check it out.

Michael:I have a tiny TV in my office. I stand up to watch it. I'm very devoted to it.

Jim:What kind of wood is the desk made of?

Michael:Well, it could be mahogany or it could be oak. But, uh... let's go with pine. It's more affordable.

Jan:Michael tried to help fix something around the house. It took me a week just to undo all the damage he did.

Michael:I know what you're thinking. 'Michael, why is there a Bud Light sign where your Dundie Awards should be?' Well, I'll tell you why. A Bud Light sign is something you earn. These Dundies? Anyone can win a Dundie. But a Bud Light sign? That's prestige.

Michael:Hey Tuna, what's up?

Michael:You know what? You're not just Tuna, you're tuna-believable!

Michael:In fact, I think you should be tuna-fied for a promotion.

Michael:We could really tuna-ble down and get some work done around here.

Jan:In Spain, they have a very different approach to dining. It's about culture and tradition.

Michael:Yeah, well, you know what they say in France... when in Rome.

Michael:This wine has a very pleasant aftertaste.

Michael:You know, like when you taste something after you've given birth. Very smooth, very earthy.

Dwight:That's afterbirth, Michael.

Michael:What? Same thing.

Jan:This is a song that Hunter wrote for me.

Hunter (via recording):Jan, you're the only girl in the world, and I'm not talking about the song. You're my everything. I want to make love to you, Jan, I want to love you like you've never been loved before.

Michael:Hunter, you can go now.

Jan:Oh, so now you're dismissing people? Is that what this is? You and Pam have been whispering all night!

Pam:What? No, we haven't—

Jan:Don't lie to me! I saw you two looking at each other. You think I'm stupid? You think I don't notice everything?

Jim:So apparently wanting food at a dinner party is unreasonable.

Jim:They're both winning at making guests uncomfortable.

Jim:We have to go. There's an emergency at the apartment.

Pam:Yeah, we really need to leave.

Jan:An emergency? What kind of emergency?

Jim:A pipe burst. We need to go now.

Jan:I don't think so. We're in the middle of this meeting. Pam, you're staying.

Pam:Um... okay. Yeah, I guess I can stay.

Jim:Pam, what are you doing?

Pam:I'm sorry, Jim. I have to stay.

Jim:Michael, my apartment is flooded. I need to go home and deal with it.

Michael:Jim, Jim, Jim. We have a party planned for tonight. You can't leave.

Jim:Michael, my stuff is underwater.

Michael:Your stuff can dry. This party can't be rescheduled. Think about the team, Jim. Think about morale.

Michael:Okay, okay, it rhymes with... Schwarz-en-egg-er. Schwarz-en-egg-er. No wait—Schwarz-a-negger. Schwar-zen-agger.

Jan:That's not a rhyme, that's just you saying his name wrong.

Michael:No, I'm getting closer. Schwarz-en-nugget.

Michael:Are you kidding me? It's Arnold Schwarzenegger! The Terminator! 'I'll be back'? Come on, people!

Jan:I have to tell this story.

Michael:No, Jan, please don't.

Jan:Michael ran through a glass door chasing an ice cream truck like a child.

Michael:That was one time!

Michael:What? I love ice cream. Sue me.

Michael:Wait, no, don't sue me. Jan loves suing people.

Michael:Jan didn't make the glass invisible. She cleaned it so well, it's like it was never there.

Jan:Oh, so now it's my fault that I'm too good at cleaning? That I care too much about this office? Fine. Blame me. Everyone always does.

Jan:I'm the devil.

Michael:She is! She is the devil! Can anybody help me?

Jan:I've seen things in that bathroom that would make a crime scene investigator weep.

Jan:Pam, you know what I'm talking about, right? You've dated him.

Pam:I'm not dating Michael! Why would you even say that? I'm not dating him. We're not dating. Michael and I are not in a relationship.

Pam:I don't know why you'd think that. We work together. That's it. Just coworkers. Nothing more.

Pam:No, no, no. Absolutely not. I would never. He would never. We're not— there's nothing going on.

Pam:Stop looking at me like that! Nothing is happening! NOTHING!

Michael:Jan's candle business is really taking off. We've done extensive market research. Women ages 18 to 49 are our target demographic. We're looking at a potential $60 million market.

Michael:All we need is a small initial investment of $10,000.

Michael:The company is called Serenity by Jan.

Michael:This candle company is going to be huge. I'm telling you, Jim, this is the opportunity of a lifetime.

Jim:Yeah, absolutely. I'm in.

Michael:Wait, really? You didn't even hear the details.

Jim:No, I heard enough. Candles, investment, you. I'm convinced.

Michael:Dwight couldn't come tonight. He doesn't have a date. Well, he has a person, but not a date.

Michael:I've had THREE vasectomies.

Michael:I have sacrificed everything for you and this relationship!

Jan:You know what? You're right. You're absolutely right. You have sacrificed everything. Your integrity, your dignity, your ability to dress yourself like an adult. Congratulations, Michael. You win.

Jan:No. No, I don't want kids. I don't know why I said that. I think I'm just... I'm scared. I'm turning 40, Michael, and I don't have a family, and I don't have a real home, and I'm not even sure I like my job anymore. And I thought if I just... forced myself to want these things, then maybe I could make my life feel less empty. But I can't. I can't do this.

Dwight:I made you my famous beet salad. I know how much you love it.

Angela:Dwight, no. Absolutely not. I would rather eat glass. I would rather lick a toilet seat. I would rather—actually, you know what? Don't even finish that thought because whatever you're about to suggest is less revolting than putting those disgusting beets anywhere near my mouth.

Pam:I'm starting to think Jan might be losing it. Like, what if she poisoned my sandwich?

Pam:I mean, she's definitely crazy enough to do it.

Pam:I mean, logically, if someone were going to poison someone at this office, it wouldn't be me. I'm not important enough. Michael would be the target. And if Michael were poisoned, who would be suspected? His current girlfriend, obviously. But I'm his former... I mean, we never... But people might think... So actually, I'd probably be the first suspect. As his former lover.

Michael:Disgusting? What's disgusting about it?

Jan:You know what? Forget it.

Michael:No, no, I want to know. What did I do that was so disgusting?

Jan:It's the way you eat. You just... you chew with your mouth open and food falls everywhere.

Michael:I do not chew with my mouth open. And for your information, I have a very legitimate medical condition. I have soft teeth. My dentist said so.

Pam:How do you two know each other?

Mose:She used to babysit me.

Pam:Oh, that's sweet.

Mose:Yeah, well now it's purely carnal.

Michael:I'm an artist too, Jan. I do a lot of things. I'm a painter, I'm a photographer, I'm a... I do a lot of things.

Jan:No, you don't.

Jan:This candle business is a disaster!

Jim:You're the one who wanted to expand so quickly.

Jan:Don't you dare blame this on me!

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:That's a $200 plasma screen TV you just broke! Boom! Right in front of me. I sprinted out of my room with my sword drawn.

Jan:Oh, really? And what were you gonna do with a sword?

Michael:Kill you.

Michael:It's not a good time for me right now, Jan. I just spent 120 bucks on a plasma screen TV, and I'm not gonna spend the rest of the night arguin' about your life choices.

Michael:It's not a disturbance. It's a plasma TV. Plasma.

Michael:Dwight, I have to tell you something. I may have taken something from Denny's.

Dwight:What? Michael, that's theft!

Michael:No, no, no. I did it romantically.

Dwight:That doesn't make it legal.

Michael:I took their heart, Dwight. I took their heart.