Goodbye Toby

Pam:So what did you see on our walk?

Jim:Well, there was this abandoned warehouse on Fifth Street, and I noticed that exactly three of the loading dock doors were rusted shut, but the fourth one was just... perfectly functional. Like someone maintained it specifically so they could have one working door. And the graffiti was really interesting because it was all in different handwriting, suggesting multiple visits over time, but they all seemed to be tagging the same patch of wall. Which is weird because there's plenty of wall.

Jim:That's nature.

Kevin:I had to park all the way out there, and I lost a penny from my loafer on the walk in.

Kevin:A penny?! That's it. I'm done. I swear on everything holy, I'm quitting this job. As God is my witness, I will never work in this office again!

Pam:So you've been thinking about the chair for three weeks?

Michael:Well, you see, Pam, a chair is more than just a place to sit. It's a statement. It's an extension of who you are as a person.

Pam:You just didn't want to decide.

Michael:...Yes.

Creed:Michael said I could have his chair when he left. I've been waiting for that chair. It's a nice chair.

Michael:Look at her. She's perfect. She's got this smile, you know? It says 'I'm fun, but I'm also responsible.' She probably volunteers on weekends.

Michael:And those eyes... those eyes have seen things. Deep things. She's probably well-traveled. I bet she speaks at least two languages fluently.

Michael:I can tell she has a great sense of humor. She's the kind of woman who laughs at your jokes even when they're not that funny, but not in a fake way. In a genuine way.

Michael:She probably has her own thing going on too. She's not clingy. She'd give me space. But also, she'd text me first sometimes, you know? Just to say hi.

Michael:I'm swearing off women. No more dating for me.

Jim:Yeah, that dinner party was rough.

Michael:I swore off women.

Michael:Well, one specific woman. Jan.

Michael:Being single is great. I mean, think about it. No one's telling me what to do. I can eat ice cream for dinner. I can watch whatever I want on TV.

Michael:Plus, I'm more available now. I can go out whenever I want. I'm out there, I'm visible. Women see me, they think, 'Hey, there's a guy who's available.'

Michael:It's actually the perfect strategy. The more desperate I seem, the more I put myself out there, the better my odds. It's mathematical.

Creed:I need three chairs. For the... for the collection.

Creed:When I have all three, I'll finally be complete.

Michael:Alright, listen up. I need you all to find me a woman. Use the Pottery Barn catalog as a reference. I want someone who looks like she could be featured on page forty-seven, holding a decorative pillow. That's the kind of quality I'm looking for.

Jim:Michael, before you go out there, you should probably tell someone where you're headed.

Jim:And maybe leave a note with your expected return time.

Jim:Oh, and take a satellite phone. The parking lot can be pretty brutal this time of day.

Michael:Ryan, I need you to set me up with someone. You know a lot of people.

Ryan:Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Michael:Why not?

Ryan:Because any woman I know that I'd set you up with, I'd want for myself.

Michael:So you're not in touch with any of her friends? I was thinking we could all hang out, you know, expand the social circle.

Ryan:No. She told them I was a sociopath.

Michael:Well, were you?

Ryan:I mean, probably.

Michael:Oscar, I need your help. I'm trying to get with this girl, and I need you to introduce me to some of your single female friends.

Oscar:Michael, I'm gay. Why would I have single female friends?

Michael:Because you're a guy that women trust!

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Feisty? That's code for jolly, sassy opera singer, isn't it? Because I have a very specific fear of those.

Michael:So Phyllis, your friend... is she a big girl?

Phyllis:Michael!

Michael:I'm just asking. Is she... horizontally challenged?

Michael:Does she occupy a lot of... space? In a room?

Michael:If she were a boat, would she need special dock reinforcement?

Michael:Are we talking naval engineering concerns here?

Michael:So you're finally admitting it?

Phyllis:Yes, Michael. You were right.

Michael:I knew it! I KNEW IT! See, I'm like a detective. A boat detective.

Michael:I want to find someone who I can build a life with. Someone to have kids with, a house in the suburbs, you know, the whole package.

Michael:But also... I need to find someone who's willing to just... you know... tonight.

Michael:I need dating suggestions by the end of the day. Everyone needs to contribute.

Michael:Actually, by 3 PM. I need to process this information.

Michael:By 2 PM. That's the new deadline.

Michael:You know what? If I don't have solid dating advice by noon, I'm going to have to let someone go. I'm serious.

Michael:You know what? I'm not gonna help you with parking. You shorn't have parked there in the first place.

Phyllis:I'm not writing down any women's names. Setting someone up with Michael would be like... like giving them a disease.

Phyllis:But I'm doing it anyway. I'm going with my friend Erin.

Michael:Erin? Okay, fine.

Michael:Hi, is Wendy there? Yeah, I'm calling to speak with Wendy. The redhead? She's supposed to be really hot.

Wendy's Employee:Sir, this is Wendy's, the restaurant.

Michael:I know what it is. Can I speak to Wendy or not?

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. You're Wendy's?

Wendy's Employee:Yes, sir. Can I take your order?

Michael:Oh, I thought I was calling corporate. You know what? I'm already here. Let me get a... what do you have?

Wendy's Employee:We have hamburgers, chicken sandwiches, salads...

Michael:Okay, but here's the thing. I need it delivered to the office. How fast can you get it here?

Wendy's Employee:We don't deliver, sir. This is a restaurant.

Michael:Right, right. So what if I need fifteen sandwiches in the next twenty minutes for a very important meeting? Can you do that?

Wendy's Employee:You'd have to come pick them up.

Michael:But I'm busy. I'm on the phone. This is ridiculous.

Dwight:I will find this woman. And when I do, she will bear your children.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Before you go on this noble quest, can you stop by Chipotle and pick me up a burrito bowl?

Dwight:Michael, I'm in the middle of something important.

Michael:I know, I know, but just add it to the list. Oh, and get some of those chips. The lime ones.

Dwight:I have narrowed it down to three possible chair models. I am now going to cross-reference them with missing persons reports.

Dwight:Found her. Died in a car accident.

Michael:She's dead. She's dead, okay? She is no longer with us. She has ceased to be. She is an ex-chairmodel.

Jim:Michael didn't even know what model the chair was.

Dwight:Well, it's a DXF model, obviously. I don't see what that has to do with anything. Michael is grieving right now.

Pam:Michael, I think you're ready to start dating again.

Michael:No, no, no. I'm not ready, Pam. I'm still grieving.

Pam:Well, I have a friend I could set you up with.

Michael:Is she hot?

Michael:I'm ready to get hurt again.

Kevin:Bill Cress is just a big idiot.

Michael:Wow, you look great! Really attractive. But I have to say, your self-description skills are terrible.

Michael:Brown hair, jeans, black top? That describes like half the women in this office. You gotta give me something more to work with here.

Michael:I'll have the, uh, Funky Monkey Banana Smoothie with extra whipped cream and gummy bears, please.

Michael:So as a landlord, you collect rent from your tenants, right?

Margaret:Yes, Michael, that's... that's what landlords do.

Michael:I'm just making conversation.

Michael:This is Jan, my ex-girlfriend. Look at her. Isn't she something? I mean, look at those... she's got really great... you know, she's just got it all.

Date:Um... that's... nice?

Michael:Yeah, great legs. Great everything, really. Sometimes I miss that. You know what I mean?

Michael:That was a really great conversation. You know, I don't usually enjoy talking to you, but today was different.

Margaret:Wait, what? You don't usually enjoy talking to me?

Michael:No, no, no - you're ruining the moment! I was trying to give you a compliment!

Andy:The name of me is Andy Bernard.

Andy:We need to address the parking situation. It's a real problem that affects all of us, and I think if we just implement a simple rotation system, we can—wait, is it hot in here? I'm sweating through my shirt in front of all these business leaders and they're looking at me like I'm—

Business Leader:Very unprofessional.

Andy:I needed this. I really needed this. After everything that happened, I just... I needed a win. Any win. Even if it's just a small thing like getting someone to laugh or having a good day. I needed to feel like I mattered to someone.

Jim:Who would take me in as a roommate?

Pam:Well, you leave your dishes in the sink for days. You never replace the toilet paper roll. You hog the blankets at night. You leave your socks all over the apartment. You eat other people's leftovers without asking. You never clean the bathroom. And you always leave the door open when you use the toilet.

Jim:So we're moving in together?

Pam:Yeah, I thought we were.

Jim:Oh. Right. I guess I should probably propose first, huh?

Pam:Yeah, that's usually how it goes.

Jim:Okay, noted.

Pam:When are you going to propose to me?

Jim:Oh, you want me to propose? I'm gonna propose so hard. You're not ready for this proposal. I'm going to propose you into the ground. When I propose, you're going to stay sharp.

Andy:You know, the common man, he's got real problems. He's worried about his car breaking down, he doesn't know how to change the oil. And then you got kids in an orphanage...

Andy:Wait, why would he have kids in an orphanage? That doesn't make sense.

Michael:She was a chair model. She had her whole life ahead of her.

Jim:She was hit by a car.

Jim:Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

Pam:What? What is it?

Jim:My shoe came untied. Just give me one second.

Pam:Oh my God.

Jim:What?

Pam:Nothing, I just... I thought...

Jim:You thought what?

Pam:I thought you were going to propose.

Jim:What? No, I'm just tying my shoe.

Pam:I know. I know that now.