Kevin Malone

Kevin · Michael:Kevin attempting the Chris Rock reenactment: vague, stumbling, completely butchering the material to the point of incoherence — 'Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.'

Kevin:Kevin's mangled, sanitized, vague Chris Rock impression — 'there are two types of black people... and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'Man, I should have gotten some food. Maybe some spaghetti.' Michael: 'Ok, Kevin, you can take off that thing, ok? That would have really showed him up, wouldn't it?'

Kevin · Angela:Kevin: 'He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.' Angela: 'Kevin, that's inappropriate!'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'Of course by saying that [she doesn't like to gamble] she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'I have a sports bra.' — Michael: 'No, no! Ridiculous!'

Kevin · Pam:Kevin asks Pam: 'So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?' Pam: 'No.' Kevin: 'She's prettier than you, though.'

Pam · Kevin:Pam's reaction to Kevin's 'She's prettier than you' — a long beat before she says 'That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.' with visible effort to stay composed

Michael · Kevin:Michael reveals his type: 'Moms... primarily. Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms. Any type of mom, really.' Kevin: 'That's disgusting.' Michael: 'Stay away from my mom.' Michael: 'Too late, Kev.'

Kevin · Ryan:Kevin stands in front of the camcorder all night in the old footage, blocking it.

Michael · Kevin:Kevin's award: 'The Don't Go In There After Me award... for the time I went to the bathroom after him and it was really, really smelly.'

Kevin:Kevin's unprompted 'Mmmmilf.' in response to hearing Pam's mom is coming

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'She wasn't that hot.' / Michael: 'Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!'

Kevin · Michael · Phyllis:Kevin's pointing — the 'nymphomaniac convention' joke about a woman who 'looks a lot like... Phyllis? Yeah.' / Michael shuts it down with 'Kevin, Phyllis is a valued member of this family. Like a grandmother.' / Phyllis: 'I'm the same age as you, Michael.' / Michael: 'I don't know about that.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael tells Kevin: 'You crossed the line... you must be punished. So go to your corner.' / Kevin: 'You mean where my desk is?' / Michael: 'Yes, your corner. Go.'

Kevin:We call it Hate Ball. Because of how much Angela hates it.

Kevin:You should ask Toby to teach you Dunder Ball.

Oscar · Kevin:The chair race: competitors stop mid-race to argue about whose stopwatch it is, ignoring the race entirely.

Kevin:I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away.

Kevin:It was really nice of Pam to make them, but... what am I gonna do with a gold medal made of paperclips and an old yogurt lid?

Jim · Kevin:Jim's 'Who would you do' answer: 'Kevin, hands down. Yeah, I mean he's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards we could just watch bowling.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael tells Kevin to wash his hands — completely out of nowhere, mid-scene

Michael · Kevin · Ryan:Kevin's emergency contact is 'Stacey' — and Michael calls the number doing a Mike Tyson impression: 'Hello? This is Mike Tyson.'

Dwight · Ryan · Kevin · Oscar:Office gossip chain: "That's my girlfriend." / "I heard they made out and had sex." / "I heard they just made out." / "Well, I heard they made out... and had sex."

Kevin:"Sometimes you talk to us real close." — employee to Michael about the coffee breath

Kevin:Interspersed with the argument: Kevin's performance review. Kevin: "Yes! Yes! Yes!" / "The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation!" / "Because I'm awesome! I am awesome!"

Michael · Pam · Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Michael works through the office trying to find someone — ANYONE — to spend Friday night with: Pam (no), Oscar (on a call), Kevin (Alaska Film Festival with brother), Angela (Charity Bake Drive)

Kevin:Kevin's confessional about his Secret Santa gift — clearly trying to keep it secret, then immediately blurts out "It was Ryan!"

Kevin:Kevin's Yankee Swap pick: the footbath — which he reveals is the thing he bought himself for Secret Santa

Kevin:Kevin's confessional: "Maybe I should have taken the iPod." — immediately after taking his own footbath gift

Kevin · Michael:The bathing suit complaint: 'I took the tags off.' / 'Well, that's not my fault.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael tries hopping and bumps his elbow, now reporting a 'protruberence' on his elbow as an additional injury

Kevin · Angela:Someone in the office: 'Who took all the black ones?' about the M&Ms — 'That's a communal bowl.'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin: 'So do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?' Michael: 'You know what, Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine. So the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.'

Kevin:The office apparently discussing Pam's hotness — someone says 'She is so hot' in the background

Kevin:Kevin wanders in: 'Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin to Jim: 'I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.' / Jim: 'Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.' / Kevin: 'I got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.'

Phyllis · Kevin · Bob Vance:Phyllis receives another enormous delivery from Bob Vance. Kevin: 'Holy God. It's from Bob. Man, that thing's bigger than I am.'

Oscar · Kevin:Oscar at the reception desk receives nothing for Valentine's Day. Kevin's advice: 'Nothing for me? Join the club.' Followed by Oscar: 'Who's it from?' About his gift. 'My mom.'

Michael · Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Phyllis · Creed · Ryan:Michael yelling 'Heisman!' while throwing a football in the parking lot, interspersed with him demanding the ball back from every single coworker including Creed, as the football chaotically passes through the entire office staff

Child · Michael · Kevin:Do you have a girlfriend? I do okay. Even I have a girlfriend.

Child · Jim · Kevin:Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight? Oh, man, I would love to. I can't tonight. But can I come over some other time? What are you doing? You never have plans.

Jim · Kevin:Thanks, Kev. I'm actually going on a date. Nice.

Michael · Kevin:Michael tells Kevin 'You know what they say the best medicine is.' Kevin: 'The doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine.' Michael: 'And laughter also.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael tells Kevin: 'I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.' Kevin responds 'I work here.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael announces he's taking Kevin to 'a very special place... far, far away from the evil sun.' Kevin immediately asks: 'Is this trip in any way related to your birthday?'

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin: 'Is this trip in any way related to your birthday?' Dwight: 'How dare you sir. You're gross.'

Michael · Kevin:Upon hearing Kevin's result is negative (good), Michael hugs Kevin saying 'We're going to beat this' — not yet understanding what 'negative' means.

Dwight · Kevin:Kevin is given a jersey at the rink; everyone tells him to 'turn it around.' It's revealed to be from Dwight — number 1. Dwight: 'From Dwight. Number one!'

Dwight · Kevin:Dwight ordering Kevin to spit out whatever he's chewing as part of drug testing protocol

Michael · Kevin · Office Workers:Michael calls an announcement and everyone assumes he's ratting someone out — 'Narc! Narc!' / 'Kevin, that is so good, Michael.' — then reveals drug testers are coming

Michael · Kevin:Michael asks Kevin about Rogaine — Kevin: 'I'm not taking Rogaine.' — Kevin's visible discomfort at being called out publicly

Michael · Kevin · Angela:Michael's solution to Kevin making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela: Angela must make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make HIM uncomfortable. 'I accept your decision.'

Kevin · Jim · Pam:Kevin discovered playing drums AND singing simultaneously in Scrantonicity — Jim and Pam's escalating disbelief ('On the drums! On the drums!')

Kevin:Kevin's confessional: 'We're all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.'

Kevin · Roy:Kevin's exchange with Roy about Scrantonicity: Roy offers them the wedding gig without asking Pam

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'It explains so much.' then immediately correcting to 'No, I'm not gay' — then a long pause before 'Yeah, I'm gay.'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin recapping 'previously on Varsity Blues' — Michael has appointed Kevin as the episode recapper.

Angela · Kevin:Michael is going to get us all fired. / That's not going to happen. / You sat back and let him play that dumb movie and now Jan is peeved off...

Kevin · Michael:But, why Dwight? / Because Dwight never lies. / How does that qualify him to run a branch? / Because that's all it takes.

Kevin:I have this little old vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.

Kevin:Kevin's grief story: his 'cousin Mufasa' was 'trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests' — The Lion King

Kevin:Kevin's Mufasa story: 'All of us kind of in the audience... of what happened.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin's Mufasa follow-up: Michael asks if he wants to talk more. Kevin: 'It would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.'

Kevin · Kelly · Angela:Kevin: 'I'm sure Dwight will protect him.' Office worker: 'I don't know, Dwight's so weird.' Kevin: 'He's not weird, he's just individualistic.' Other: 'No, he's a freak.' Kevin: 'You're a freak!'

Pam · Kevin:Pam says she doesn't have anyone to go with; Kevin suggests she go with Dwight because 'He's single too, right?' / 'Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.'

Kevin:Kevin identifies the 'Union of the Monkey' position immediately: 'I have, that's Union of the Monkey.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'This is the best meeting we have ever had.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin arrives in an elaborate Indian costume: 'I thought you said this was a costume party.' / Michael: 'What does that look like to you?' / Kevin: 'An Indian woman in a sari.'

Kevin:Kevin and an officemate watching through the glass, Kevin asks 'Is it serious?' — the anxious bystanders watching Michael's meltdown in Jan's car.

Kevin · Meredith:Kevin approaches Meredith on her 'last day': 'I know you're seeing someone, but I'm still willing if you are.' Meredith: 'What willing?'

Kevin · Meredith:Meredith says 'I did not say that. Was that not you?' and Kevin retreats with 'Never mind.'

Kevin:Kevin returns to Meredith: 'Hey, did we ever have a conversation about doing something on the last day of work? Does that ring a bell? Do you remember hearing a rumor about me and anybody, last day of work... Something sexual?'

Phyllis · Kevin · Oscar · Others:Phyllis tries to organize a group lunch. Kevin suggests Dee Jay's. Phyllis suggests Cugino's in Dunmore. Someone says no seafood. It collapses with 'Okay. Forget it.' Then someone suggests Hooters. 'No.' Immediately: '$400 for the CPU. Done.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need.'

Kevin · Hannah · Unknown:'Look what's on his computer! What is that? It's squid's eye or...' 'It's my left breast.' 'How did you...?' 'Right place at the right time.'

Kevin · Pam:Are you sure I can't use, like, the cartoons from the newspaper? / Oh, yeah, your mom would love that.

Kevin · Angela:These nuts are really hard to crack. / Try harder then.

Angela · Kevin:Angela has called every grocery store in Scranton for a whole pig; Kevin suggests trying 'the petting zoo'

Michael · Kevin:Michael addresses the whole office about 'a very PG-13 rated picture of me and a woman'; Kevin immediately says 'Jan'

Angela · Kevin:Kevin challenges whether the tax forms are a big deal, and Angela claps back: 'Is it a big deal? Is it, Kevin?'

Kevin:Kevin and another guest both bring toasters as gifts, discovering each other at the gift table: 'A toaster.' / 'Uh, toaster.' / 'Unbelievable.'

Kevin:Kevin hits on a woman at the wedding: 'Where'd you find her?' / 'At the gym.' / 'Right. The gym!'

Kevin:Kevin's confessional about Scrantonicity: 'This is not our first wedding. This is the third wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin arrives late explaining he almost died in a tire blowout; Michael immediately pivots to a pop quiz about why today is special — ignoring Kevin's near-death entirely

Kevin:'Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!'

Kevin · Angela:Oh, potato salad? It's from both of us. No, it's not.

Kevin:WHISPERS: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise.

Phyllis · Kevin:Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet? Yeah. Oh, my God. When is it? It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.

Kevin · Karen:Kevin asks Karen how she feels that Roy tried to 'kick her boyfriend's ass over another woman'

Roy · Kevin:Roy reappears; Kevin shouts 'Roy! Look out!' — then Roy calmly says 'Thanks, Kev. I'm... good, though.'

Jim · Pam · Kevin · Angela · Ryan · Oscar:The office workers betting on how many jellybeans (or similar objects) are in a jar; escalating guesses with Kevin being eliminated: 'Ten. Kev's out. Damn it!'

Kelly · Kevin · Angela:Kelly's Bridget Jones impression and the accountants' Australian role-play: 'I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.' / 'I like ice cream, too, mate. Alli-gators and dingo babies.'

Kevin · Angela:Kevin/Angela payroll argument: Kevin: 'You didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form.' Angela: 'Yes! Facial!' — then 'You two are apes.'

Angela · Kevin:Angela: 'I'm sorry. That you're both morons.' / Kevin: 'But you still said I'm sorry.' / Angela: 'I called you morons.' / Kevin: 'Still said it, so...'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Phyllis. You're a married woman. The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss? If that's flashing, then lock me up.'

Kevin:Kevin's confessional: 'I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times, and I have paid dearly.'

Kevin:'I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin greets Andy after his haircut: 'What's different about you? You look worse.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin tells Andy his haircut is 'sexy, hot' and demands Andy turn around to see the back, which Andy refuses

Michael · Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Michael reveals he sold his condo — on eBay — before knowing if he got the job. 'It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.'

Dwight · Kevin · Oscar · Angela:Dwight propositions the accounting team: 'How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?' Kevin says no; Dwight clarifies he means himself, not Michael

Creed · Angela · Oscar · Kevin:The office's split opinions on Jan's surgery: Creed: 'I love fake boobs. Often times you find them on strippers.' / Angela: 'I find it offensive.' / Michael Scott Sr.: 'Au naturale, baby. Swing low, sweet chariots.'

Phyllis · Toby · Kevin:Office workers debate who gets the job: 'I think it's gonna be Michael.' / 'Do you really think he's qualified for that job?' / 'No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin got a virus clicking on a celebrity sex tape offer online; refuses to say what kind of celebrity or how much he paid: 'It all happened so fast.'

Dwight · Kevin · Andy:Dwight, Kevin, and Andy pile on Michael with increasingly absurd theories for why he hit Meredith: 'Was she talking back? Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?'

Dwight · Kevin · Pam:Dwight and Kevin teasing Jim about visiting Meredith: 'Oh, I bet Jim goes, too.' / 'Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.' / 'Oh, I bet you ask.' / 'I was planning on it.' / 'I bet you were. Subtle.'

Michael · Stanley · Kevin · Jan:Stanley has zero sponsors. Michael: 'Come on, man, got to step it up.' Then: 'Jan called this morning and pledged $500.' Kevin: 'And isn't that your money?' Michael: 'It is for a good cause.'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin cheers Michael during the race and somehow touches his nipple area. Michael screams: 'Watch the nipples, Kevin! Back off me.'

Andy · Kevin · Phyllis:Tuna! Awesome! I knew it. To the two of you.

Kevin · Angela:Kevin reads the party banner and asks: 'Isn't 7:00 PM a little late for a LUNCH party?' — the banner says 'Lunch Party' instead of 'Launch Party'

Kevin · Angela:Kevin's banner solution: 'Maybe you could just change the U into an A?' — which would make it 'Lanch Party'

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin announces the website's sales to Dwight in real time: 305... 380... 402... 412. Each announcement immediately follows the last, making Dwight increasingly uncomfortable.

Kevin · Michael · Oscar · Office Staff:Kevin reveals Michael ordered from 'Pizza by Alfredo' not 'Alfredo's Pizza Cafe'; office erupts; Michael: 'What is better, a medium amount of good pizza or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?' Oscar: 'A medium amount of good pizza.' Multiple voices confirm it's bad.

Michael · Oscar · Pam · Kevin:Michael has ordered Pizza by Alfredo instead of Alfredo's Pizza Cafe. When told they're the same thing: extended debate about quality, ending in: 'It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.'

Kevin · Office Staff:The office discovers Michael's hostage situation and orders good pizza from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe to eat while waiting for the bad pizza hostage crisis to resolve

Kevin:Kevin's talking head about Scrantonicity II: 'The bar uses an applause meter. That's why it is so important that you all come and applaud only for my band, Scrantonicity II. Not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael asks Kevin about gambling: 'Maybe doubling it, then doubling it several more times... Like a boxer who is gonna throw the big fight? You know, like he's tied into some crooked dealings and maybe his kid is sick or something? Like, who do I call about that? The mob. Do you know anybody in the mob?'

Kevin:Kevin confessional: 'My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.'

Kevin · Meredith:What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday. So what if there's a lot of them? / I work hard all day. I like knowing there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.

Kevin:Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago so he doesn't care. I think the power went to his head.

Jim · Kevin · Unknown:What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie? / I'll take them. / Well, nobody's touching my cobbler.

Pam · Kevin:Hey, Kevin, Jim needs to see you. About what? He needs help balancing some travel receipts. Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts. Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically. He's in the conference room.

Kevin:Kevin enters the conference room and sees the tiny Ping-Pong table — his face lights up: 'Awesome!'

Kevin:Awesome! [Kevin arrives at the Ping-Pong table, clearly having been tricked]

Kevin:I've been here nine years, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away. I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

Kevin:When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

Michael · Kevin:Let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [long pause] Okay, yes, that would be bad. Yes! That would be bad. Okay, so... / Help us out. / Wish I could, but I can't. / Well, can, but won't. / Should, maybe, but, shorn't.

Kevin:Kevin writes 'Your mom' on the card when asked who he's putting down. A brief escalation where he and another character squabble over it.

Michael · Kevin:Give that to me! Give that to me. / Okay, Wendy. / Hot and juicy redhead. / Let's give this a try.

Kevin:I have things.

Andy · Kevin:We did it! I did it. / We got our spaces back. / Nice job. / Nice. Yeah. / There it is. You're welcome.

Jim · Toby · Kevin · Oscar:Jim trying to call the security guard without knowing his name — 'Who have I got here?' / 'The African-American guy'

Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Toby · Phyllis:The cascading wrong name guesses for the security guard: Eddie, Evan, Hank, Edgar, Elliot

Kevin:"Now he's never gonna come." — after revealing Jim didn't collect Hank's Christmas tip

Kevin · Pam:Kevin hits on Pam using her glasses as a 'turn-on': 'All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses... Like librarians. Entering the... Could you just say, 'these are due back Thursday'?'

Kevin:Kevin confessional: 'A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.'

Kevin:Kevin's confessional on the Stanley/Michael confrontation: 'It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it!'

Kevin · Oscar · Jim:'Why are you dressed like that? Like what? Like you're applying for a loan? Maybe he's going to church or court.'

Kevin · Justin:Intern prospect Kevin talks to: 'We eat a lot of cake. Cool.' (laughing) The high schooler seems charmed by this as an office perk

Michael · Holly · Kevin:Michael tells Holly that Kevin is 'here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain.' Holly responds: 'Oh, good for you guys.'

Kevin · Holly:Kevin offers Holly M&Ms: 'I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.' Holly: 'Well, that is a very safe place for them.'

Holly · Kevin:Holly helps Kevin at the vending machine — he has 75 cents, she explains what he can get from the 'top row', and speaks to him with extreme patience

Kevin:Kevin runs toward and presumably jumps into the bouncy house at the party

Kevin · Holly:Kevin drives his own car to the store. Holly is surprised. Kevin confirms: 'Yup, this is my car.' Holly: 'Do you drive your own car?' Kevin: 'Yep, just like you.' Holly: 'Okay, bye.' Kevin: 'Bye.'

Kevin · Jan · Michael:Kevin calls Michael to the supermarket: there's Jan, very pregnant. Kevin: 'I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.'

Kevin · Holly · Pam:Kevin asks Pam if she weighs 226 pounds. Holly awkwardly tries to cover. 'Math is hard.' 'Yeah.' 'Just... We'll, just keep going.'

Jan · Kevin · Oscar:Jan shows up at the office to use the copier. 'How's the candle game?' / 'Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names.' / 'You remember last week when that girl went missing — guess whose candles they used for the vigil?' / 'Cool. Thank God they found her, too.' / 'Oh, they found her?'

Dwight · Holly · Kevin:Dwight berates Kevin over the spreadsheet — Holly intervenes, defending him. Then Holly reveals she thinks Kevin is mentally challenged: 'He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.'

Kevin:Kevin talking-head, crushed: 'Do you think that I'm retarded?'

Michael · Andy · Kevin:'Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?' / 'Shotgun weddings.' / 'That's not what that is.' / 'Fright. Being scared to death.'

Jim · Ryan · Kevin:Ryan returns with a goatee. Jim: 'And you got a goatee.' Ryan: 'I did.' Jim: 'Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?' Ryan: 'Yes.' Jim: 'Goatee!' / 'Fired guy!'

Michael · Andy · Kevin · Meredith:Michael puts Kelly on a chair so the office can name her beautiful features. Andy: 'Hell of an ass.' Kevin: 'I wonder what people like about me.' / Meredith: 'Probably my jugs.'

Kevin:Kevin asks if he has to buy another gift after already buying one for Pam and Roy.

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin confesses he takes long lunches — 'a siesta' — and is immediately called a 'time thief' by Dwight

Kevin · Phyllis:Kevin asks why they have to pay money for 'his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm-bank baby'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'So we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of them.' Michael: 'The baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, okay? The baby multiplies the fun.'

Kevin · Office Staff · Michael:The office hosts the baby shower guessing game 'when will the baby be born?' — the baby has already been born and is in the room

Oscar · Kevin:Great, they stole my laptop. / Well, they stole my surge protector. / How does that even compare? / Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.

Kevin:I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes. / Kevin the taxman. / Federal and state.

Kevin:Kevin's talking-head: 'The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets really seemed too good to be true.'

Kevin:Kevin dressed as Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, saying 'I like your shoes' and asking to be walked to the fax machine

Kevin:I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on. Much healthier.

Michael · Pam · Jim · Kevin:The slow dawning reveal that Toby has returned, with the office coaxing Michael to 'meander back there' and 'dare I?' buildup

Kevin:So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in?

Phyllis · Kevin:Oh, it's on Linden Ave., by the Quarry. / Cool beans, man. I live by the Quarry. We should hang out by the Quarry and throw things down there.

Oscar · Kevin · Meredith:The microwave note debate — 'The note is way more obnoxious than the mess. / Get off your high horse, richy. / Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich. / Nah. They're rich.'

Kevin · Dwight:I thought you were gonna parcel those out through the day. / Would you stop it? You haven't done anything helpful all day.

Kevin · Michael:Kevin asks Michael about the old chair Michael was going to give him — 'that never happened' — while Michael dodges by inviting him to lunch.

Kevin:Kevin's confessional: 'How is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings and only one chair?'

Kevin:Kevin reveals his custom drink: 'That is vodka, and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange vod-juice-ka.'

Kevin · Meredith:Kevin's impact statement: Meredith gave him movie tickets because she was too drunk to go. 'And that was really cool.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael's candy announcement: 'New year, new candy.' Cautions Kevin not to eat too many Hot Tamales at once.

Andy · Jim · Pam · Oscar · Kevin:The entire office awkwardly tries to stop Andy from finishing his sentences about the affair situation — a cacophony of interruptions and avoidance

Kevin · Jim:Kevin's form correction becomes a thinly veiled confession: 'I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it and stopped right away. Because I wouldn't want an innocent person who doesn't know anything about the form--'

Jim · Kevin:Jim suggests Kevin say 'I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form' as a better dual-meaning line

Andy · Kevin:Andy addresses the office: 'I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying to my face.' Kevin: 'You are welcome.'

Jim · Kevin:Jim asks Kevin to close his eyes and imagine Hilary Swank walking in and whispering that she wants to make out with him. Kevin's long pause.

Kevin · Office staff:Kevin's reaction after imagining Hilary Swank: clearly goes too far — 'is she hot? not would you do her? Respect the game.'

Kevin:Kevin's contribution to the Hilary Swank debate: 'even though the penis was fake, I kept expecting a second plot twist where we found out that Hilary Swank actually was a boy.'

Kevin:Kevin on Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry: 'Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I kept expecting a second plot twist where we found out that Hilary Swank actually was a boy.'

Michael · Kevin:'No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.'

Kevin:Kevin asks how to calculate 100 beats per minute: 'I will divide and then count to it.'

Kevin:Kevin's roast: 'One time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small.' / 'If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle.'

Kevin:Kevin's roast: 'Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself, ever. And one time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small. If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle.'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin continuing Michael jokes the next day: 'Michael is so dumb he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order.' Jim: 'All right Kevin, enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.'

Pam · Dwight · Kevin:Pam reads Michael's text: 'personnel day.' / 'Are we hiring?' / 'Yeah, you're being replaced.' / 'I think he meant personal day.' / 'I don't know. That's quite a leap, Pam.'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin walks in with ice cream: 'Ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good.'

Kevin · Angela:'How much?' / '$7,000.' / 'For a cat? I can get you a kid for that.'

Kevin:'Seven grand. I've got to see that little bitch.'

Kevin · Angela · Oscar:The Nanny Cam reveals two cats mating: 'That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady.' / 'No!' / 'Awesome.'

Angela · Kevin:Angela: 'I swear he is fixed.' Kevin: 'I know fixed, that ain't fixed. No way.'

Oscar · Kevin:'Has this been on the entire time?' / 'I have no idea. I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael to Kevin: 'It's been four months since I was with Holly. And she was way hotter than Stacy. So, if you think you're hurting...' Kevin: 'I can't even imagine.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin: 'Hawaiian Blood Punch.' Oscar: 'That's gross.' Kevin: 'Type O-cean Spray.'

Kevin:Kevin (presumably after his elaborate excuse about mine-sweeping) simply says 'We're in.'

Kevin · Unnamed Woman:Woman at singles party shares that a man told her he wasn't gay — then was spotted in a gay bar in Kansas City. Kevin: 'Then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him.'

Kevin:Kevin's worst breakup story: 'I said, "My god. I think the Eagles could clinch the N.F.C. East." And she said... "We're done."'

Michael · Kevin · Lynn:Michael spots an attractive woman in the office park: 'Babe alert! I'm Michael Scott. Welcome to our little shindig.' Then immediately assigns her to Kevin: 'For you, we have one of our top people. Kevin Malone.'

Michael · Kevin · Lynn:Michael pushes Kevin toward Lynn: 'So run with the ball. Run with it, Kev.' Kevin's approach: 'Where are you from?' Lynn: 'I'm from here.' (long pause) Michael: 'He only gets better.'

Kevin · Lynn:Kevin to Lynn: 'I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.' Lynn: 'I believe you.' Kevin: 'You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin demonstrates a 'playful touch' on Michael's arm — Michael recoils

Michael · Charles · Kevin:Charles: 'Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.' / Michael: 'Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin, and he has no sexual history.'

Kevin:Kevin's 'Hey!' in response to being told he has no sexual history

Kevin:'I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad.'

Kevin · Michael · Charles:Kevin tries to get overtime approved by Michael; Charles overrules; Michael says 'I say approved'; Charles says 'that's not the way it's gonna work'; they mirror each other's 'okay, so we're on the same page'

Kevin:Kevin asks about doing overtime to fix a spreadsheet error from using the 2008 calendar for 2009

Kevin · Pam:Kevin presses Pam about the copier — 'Soon could mean anything. Soon could be three weeks. Is that what soon means to you?' / 'Sometimes.' / 'Then come back soon.'

Charles · Kevin · Stanley:Charles's solution to losing the receptionist: Kevin on phones, Stanley as 'productivity czar'

Kevin:Kevin answers: 'Dunder Mifflin. This is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you. Oscar, your mom.'

Kevin · Jim · Andy:Kevin wrote the transfer procedure on his hand but then washed it off.

Kevin · Jim · Andy:The transfer coaching sequence: Jim, Andy, and Kevin practice the three-step transfer in real time while a live caller waits — 'It is 1:34. Kev. Kev, come on. Hustle. You are murdering the Nard Dog.'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin's final attempt at professionalism: '...this is Kev... Please hold, and I will transfer you.' — while someone off-screen says 'You're bad at this too.'

Jim · Kevin:Do you know what a rundown is? / Use it in a sentence. / Can you get this rundown for me? / Try another sentence. / This rundown better be really good. / I don't know. But it sounds like the rundown is really important.

Kevin:Last night was crazy. Jojo... yeah. He did a doughnut in the parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells, 'Hey, cop, you like doughnuts?' Then we drive off.

Kevin:Kevin's response to Andy's intervention: 'I guess I could be nicer.'

Kevin · Andy:Andy, I think Jim is messing with you. Oh, really? Okay.

Kevin:Kevin's Famous Chili talking-head monologue — earnest, detailed description of his chili-making process, delivered with complete sincerity

Kevin:'I toast my own Ancho chilies.' (moaning with pleasure)

Kevin:'It's a recipe passed down from Malones for generations.'

Kevin:Kevin spills the entire pot of chili walking into the office — the audience hears exclaiming and sees (inferred) the catastrophic chili disaster

Michael · Kevin · Pam:Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on? I do. Okay, how about a woman? Pam? / I can't do lunch. I was just sending you an e-mail.

Kevin:That's how I knew he meant it.

Michael · Kevin:Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you. Yeah. Holding down the fort.

Michael · Kevin:This is a no-work zone. Please respect the lei. Yeah, respect the lei.

Phyllis · Michael · Kevin:Kevin, come. Kevin, stay. Kevin, come. Kevin, stay. Kevin, come. Stay, stay. Come on, right now. Cookie, Kevin. Cookie. There is no cookie, Kevin. Is there a cookie? Mmm-hmm. Come on. For goodness sakes, Kevin, there's no cookie. There's no cookie. Come on. Come. I wanted a cookie.

Kevin · unnamed male:There's girls in there. Where? The other room. What other room? Down the hall. There's girls there? What did I just say? You bring my sandwich? Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls.

Michael · Kevin:Cafe Disco is dead, but I can still hear the music in my head. I hear it, too, boss.

Kevin · Michael · Holly:Kevin barges into the newsboy bit, joining in: 'Are... you... blind? Can you see things with your eyeballs?'

Kevin:Kevin speculates that the two interns might hook up: 'Think she did him? I bet there's something there.'

Kevin:'This place is like Spaniard fly.'

Kevin · Andy:Two office workers discussing Andy's rumored gayness via a prolonged tea metaphor: 'Do you like it as much as you like men's butts? Because you're gay.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'Hey, did one of you tell Stanley that I have asthma? Because I don't. If it gets out they won't let me scuba. If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?'

Creed · Kevin:Creed/Kevin exchange: 'They've been in there a while.' 'Yeah. Can't be good.' 'Think they're talking about me?' 'No, I think they're talking about me.' 'Yeah. That makes way more sense.'

Pam · Kevin:Pam asks for cash as a wedding gift. Kevin: 'Like money? Like you — you want my money?' Pam: 'Mm-hmm.' Kevin: 'Will you take a check?' Pam: 'Yeah.' Kevin: 'Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, "To love's eternal glory."'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Oh, I better get that raise. Because once your cats have kittens, all of your priorities change.'

Kevin:Kevin in the mob: 'What does a bean mean?' (asked multiple times)

Kevin:'What does a bean mean?' — Kevin, one final time, after everything has collapsed.

Kevin · Michael:Kevin objects to no firecrackers at the wedding. Michael: 'So you're gonna provide them then?' Kevin: 'No, this is a firecracker-free wedding.' Kevin: 'What the hell?'

Kevin:Kevin talking head about his wedding outfit: 'People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office, but I'm going to turn that around at this wedding... the hair. It's the hair.'

Oscar · Kevin · Penny:Pam introduces Kevin, but Kevin's sister-in-law Penny thought his name was 'Gill' — and she assumed he was Oscar's boyfriend. Oscar: 'You thought I was dating this?'

Oscar · Kevin · Penny:Oscar: 'I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.' Then: 'Are you seeing anyone right now?' Oscar: 'She has a boyfriend. He's out of town.' 'Cool. Thank you.'

Kevin:Kevin talking head: 'No one from the office has been to a real beer throw-down. If I was a girl, I would seriously reconsider coming to this party. But don't tell them that I said that, 'cause I want them there.'

Kevin · Hotel Manager:Kevin's shoes were destroyed overnight by the hotel. Hotel manager: 'When the bag was opened by our shoeshine, the smell overcame him. I, too, smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away.' Kevin: 'But that was my only pair of shoes.' Manager: 'It became a safety issue, sir.'

Kevin · Andy:Andy and Kevin morning-after exchange about the scrotum injury: Kevin: 'There's still something there?' Andy: 'Excuse me?' Kevin: 'It didn't get torn off?' Andy: 'No they didn't— nothing got torn off. Who told you that?' Kevin: 'I may have told some people that.'

Kevin:Oscar/Kevin's wedding gift: 'I got them a set of turtle-grilling pots, shell hammer, and bibs.'

Kevin:Kevin post-wedding: 'I got six numbers. One more and it would have been a complete telephone number.'

Kevin · Pam · Jim:Kevin calls Jim and Pam's credit card company pretending to be Jim, gives Jim's full home address and last four digits of his social security number.

Oscar · Kevin:Oscar to Kevin: 'This constitutes identity fraud.' / Kevin: 'I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar. I'm not like you.' / Oscar: 'What's that supposed to mean?' / Kevin: 'You don't know about jail? You would love jail.' / Oscar: 'Why would I love jail?' / Kevin: 'Because... you would love it.'

Kevin · Pam:Kevin calling Pam and Jim on their honeymoon: Pam erupts about the canceled credit card, then: 'I'll let you go. Tell Jim that I said "Hi."' / Pam: 'I will. I will, Kevin. I will make that my top priority.'

Kevin:Kevin's final confessional: 'They have no idea what happened.'

Kevin:'Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding' — Kevin's passive-aggressive dig at Jim and Pam for only bringing candy as a gift

Kevin:'Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelys.'

Kevin · Phyllis:'Don't you mean koi story?' and 'When you fell in, did you flounder?'

Kevin · Michael · Unknown:'Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?' / 'I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story.' / 'Don't you mean Kol Story?'

Kevin:Kevin reveals his roommate's friend is the night janitor at Raskin Design and has obtained the security tape of Michael's fall

Kevin:Kevin asks "Because of sex?" after Michael censors the necklace story

Kevin · Oscar · Creed:"My money's on Pam." "It's not a fight — what other outcome could there be?" "Michael could win." "How?" "He can't hit his back."

Kevin · Michael:Kevin refuses to attack Michael: 'No way. Last time, you pulled my pants down, and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.' Michael: 'False. I did choke you with your shoelace.'

Kevin:Kevin is assigned 'Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps': 'I'm not comfortable with this.'

Oscar · Michael · Kevin:Oscar: 'Now do the Swedish Chef.' Michael: 'Uh, I'm not familiar. What province is he from?' Kevin: 'He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.'

Kevin:Kevin (as Voodoo Mama Juju) explains his dark arts: 'It's not my fault. I was exposed to Harry Potter.'

Kevin · Jim · Andy · Erin:Kevin: 'I was just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. So funny. The guy's dead the whole time.' Jim: 'I haven't seen it.' Kevin: 'Speaking of weekends — you excited about our date this weekend?'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'My little heart can barely take it no more.' — completely in character as his Southern game persona, about the murders.

Kevin:Limo interior: Kevin excited about pillows — 'That's bigger than my bed.'

Kevin:Kevin calls David Wallace's office to report: 'Tell him I'm mad at Jim 'cause he's asking us to give money to Pam.'

Michael · Kevin · Phyllis:Kevin approaches Santa Michael. Phyllis has already told Kevin he's too big for her lap. Michael welcomes him: 'I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you and hates your body, but Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.' Then Kevin sits on Michael's lap.

Michael · Kevin:Michael asks Kevin what he wants for Christmas. Kevin: 'I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.' Michael: 'Well, what did you think was going to happen?' Kevin: 'Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.'

Michael · Kevin:Well, what did you think was going to happen? / I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.

Michael · Kevin:Kevin asks for 'some choices' because he doesn't want to 'mess up on this list.' Michael eventually kicks him off and threatens to attach 1,000 helium balloons to Kevin so 'Santa doesn't have to go through this again.' Kevin: 'Awesome.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael takes a vote on who should be Santa; when nearly all hands go up for Phyllis, he says 'Are you kidding me, Kevin? After you almost killed me?' Kevin: 'Michael, I had you. I just want to try Phyllis.'

Kevin:Kevin's elaborate defense of his paper cup routine: 'You know what can't fit in a bottle are the 20 little trips I take to the cooler, and the 20 little scans I do of everybody to make sure everything's running smoothly, and the 20 little conversations that I have with Stanley.'

Gabe · Kevin · Office Employee:Gabe introduces eco-friendly aluminum water bottles. An employee asks if they'll still get to use 'the little cups.' Gabe reveals: 'He goes through 20 a day.'

Kevin · Others:Office employees enact a 'traffic jam' in the hallway — 'Beep beep! 20 people dead in a pileup. There's blood everywhere!'

Jo · Kevin:Jo tells the staff: 'I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin, right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company we never heard of from down in Tallahassee? I mean, where is that? Near Mars?' Kevin responds: 'No, we know. Texas.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael announces a new account to the open office: 'the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called Curves.' Then: 'I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael's new account: 'I just got a new account, the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called Curves. I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it.'

Kevin:Kevin moves away from Phyllis's area with a tissue over his nose, then: 'It's not 'cause of the smell. I'm just expecting a nosebleed.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin describes cooking through The Twilight Cookbook: 'Last night I had Edward's cornflake chicken.'

Kevin:Kevin's eating schedule with Pam: 'Second breakfast, lunch, second lunch and first dinner.'

Kevin:Kevin proposes 'one last ultra feast' before Pam goes to the hospital

Kevin:Kevin warns Jim and Pam against waiting: if the baby is born tomorrow, she'll share a birthday with 'Buttmud Brooks, my old roommate'

Kevin:Kevin stops his silent dance because someone is clapping — 'You're clapping. I need complete silence.' — then announces he has to start over: 'The Evolution of Dance dance.'

Kevin:Kevin is calculating contractions: 'We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another 75 contractions and you are going to be there. For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast.'

Kevin:Ultra feast menu revealed by Kevin: 'Hollywood theme. Ratatouille from Ratatouille, tandoori chicken from Born Into Brothels, and I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing but I...' [trails off]

Kevin · Jim:Kevin shows up without pants to hold the baby. Jim makes him sanitize and then: 'Again. No pants.'

Michael · Kevin · Erin:Michael introduces Kevin to Erin as her 'new boyfriend': 'You will learn to love me.' Kevin is presented like a prize on a game show.

Kevin:'Maybe next year.' / 'Maybe next queer!'

Kevin:Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?

Michael · Dwight · Kevin:Scavenger hunt clue: 'Go to the man who never breeds. Kevin.'

Dwight · Kevin:Dwight tells Kevin: 'Give me those leads, where are they—come on!' Kevin: 'You are never going to find them.' Dwight: 'Gimme the leads! Where are the leads? Gimme the leads!' Kevin: 'I'm still enjoying it.'

Kevin · Pam:Pam arrives at the bar and Kevin, in childlike excitement, immediately engulfs her in a massive hug, shouting 'Oh! I missed you so much!'

Kevin:Kevin talking head: 'My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin confronts Oscar about Matt: 'Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.' Oscar: 'Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.'

Kevin:Kevin's voicemail imitating Cookie Monster: 'What's the difference between a chimichanga, a chalupa and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.'

Kevin:Kevin protests the impression: 'Wait, this isn't funny. I don't talk like that.'

Coworker · Kevin:'Say, "Me eat cookie." / No. I won't say it.'

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin refuses a cookie from the tray: 'Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.' / Darryl: 'I brought those in. It's my birthday.'

Kevin:Kevin to Darryl after learning it's his birthday cookies: 'That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.'

Kevin:Kevin's confessional continues: 'Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...' [trails off into unrelated grievance mid-self-reflection]

Kevin:Kevin watches more of the video: 'This is violent and offensive.' [pause] 'Thank you.' / 'And it really makes me self-conscious about my voice.' / 'That's awful.' / 'I'm not crying.'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin does the Cookie Monster impression in his confessional: 'My name is Kevin. I'm an accountant.' / Jim: 'It's a little derivative.' / Kevin: 'But parody is always derivative.'

Kevin:Kevin does Gabe impression: 'Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies.'

Office · Kevin:The office responds to Erin's question 'Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know?' with: 'Yeah. Pretty much.' / 'Pretty much. Yeah.'

Kevin:Kevin does Michael impression: 'Hey, Erin, you look delicious! I mean, beautiful.'

Kevin:Kevin, after the suspension scene: '"C" is for suspension.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael observes the aftermath: 'That was ugly. I'm sorry that you had to see that.' / Kevin: 'Well, do they still get paid?' / Michael: 'It's tacky to discuss finances.' / Kevin: 'Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.' / Michael: 'Yeah. Pathetic.'

Kevin:Kevin does Cookie Monster impression of Michael offering coffee: 'Or cookies!' [said in Cookie Monster voice after Michael offers coffees]

Kevin:Kevin does extended Michael impression: 'Guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in, because corporate told me to. I just want you to know, I laugh like a crazy person.'

Kevin:Kevin's Michael impression continues: 'I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.'

Kevin · Gabe:Kevin's Michael impression: 'Ciao. Right? Ciao. I say ciao 'cause I'm fancy from Tallahassee.' / Gabe: 'Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? / [beat] / Ciao.'

Kevin · Oscar · Dwight:Kevin's Oscar/Count retaliation video: Oscar calls Kevin about accounting discrepancies; Kevin reveals he made a Cookie Monster vs. The Count parody with Oscar as The Count because 'the Count is purple, and Oscar wears purple.'

Dwight · Andy · Kevin:Dwight's talking head: 'Can you smell the power of Halperts? Power couple. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.' Andy: 'Oh, they wish they were Power Rangers. Good luck getting Ninjor to share his power coins with these two.' Kevin: 'Okay, nerd alert. Never saw the show. And that stuff was not in the movie.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'You ever notice you can only ooze two things: sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.'

Kevin:Kevin, analyzing Donna's crossed arms: 'Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together to make them look bigger.' — then appears to demonstrate on himself

Dwight · Kevin:Dwight recruits minorities: 'How would one of you feel if I told you I could put you on a fast track to an executive position?' Kevin: 'Holy cow. I'd be so happy.' Dwight: 'I wasn't talking to you, Pale Face.' Kevin: 'I know. I meant I'd be happy for them.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'When I tore my scrote, I was seeing this really hot urologist about it, and thought she was into me. But now I think she was just doing a bunch of stuff to bill my HMO... She's touching around down there. It's easy to get confused.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin tells Andy that Gabe said 'Andy, problem, eliminate' — Andy: 'What? You don't know what it meant? How about, "Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him."' Kevin: 'Oh! I hadn't even thought of that.'

Kevin · Michael · Oscar:'Did you talk to the man whose wife you're having an affair with? / Yes. / Wow, that is crazy. / Was there a fist fight? / No, we just talked. He's very nice. / And it didn't change your mind? / It did not.'

Kevin:No, that's cool. Sometimes I run. / I'm a runner.

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam · Ryan · Creed · Andy · Oscar · Angela · Kevin · Darryl · Erin:The entire cold open lip sync/dance performance to 'Nobody But Me' — the whole office is participating in an elaborately choreographed music video, including Dwight with a CamelBak hydration pack, Creed awkwardly appearing, and Ryan ignoring it for his laptop

Dwight · Kevin:Dwight tells Kevin: 'From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack.' Kevin asks: 'Well, what if you're cold?' Dwight: 'Pbbbt! Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin.'

Luke · Oscar · Kevin · Darryl:Luke (the new assistant) arrives with coffee and calls out nicknames: 'Here you go, big 'O'... Tiny... Darryl Hannah.'

Kevin:Kevin's contribution to the nepotism debate: 'Oh man, so many points being made.'

Kevin:'America's one big mall.'

Kevin:Kevin/Oscar: 'Your shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.' — evaluating Dwight's current outfit

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy's sex-ed pros/cons list: Kevin contributes 'It feels unbelievable.' Andy asks if that's different from 'feels amazing.' Kevin: 'Yes.' Andy writes it down.

Kevin:I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the olympics.

Kevin · Andy:Well, I really, really, really liked it. / Well, that really bums me out. / You're welcome.

Staff · Michael · Kevin · Andy:Josh Duhamel. / Yeah, I can see that! / No. No. No. Somebody in this office. / He's like a better-looking Andy. / Thanks, Kevin.

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin says his costume makes him look like Michael Moore.

Michael · Kevin · Gabe:Michael confronts Kevin for going over his head — it turns out Kevin was just showing Gabe a Lady Gaga robot dance move.

Kevin:I heard your mama has more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.

Oscar · Kevin:For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless? Try 'Jesus.' Opus Dei.

Kevin:Who takes a kid to Mexico? I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are.

Kevin · Jim:Scones. I didn't get one. Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either. Is it just the one jug of apple cider?

Kevin · Oscar · Michael:You could feed the hungry. Us. OSCAR: Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time. Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene.

Kevin · Angela · Pam:Look at these scones, Jim. Give me that! Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby?

Kevin · Michael:What if it's another Waco? / It's pronounced 'wacko.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin tells Michael he should go because 'you got to go to the boss's party.' Michael insists Gabe is not the boss — and then checks with the group.

Kevin:So much Asian stuff! I wonder if there's a guy in China right now looking at a bunch of our stuff.

Kevin · Andy:Andy, look, all I know is, if I was a girl and I had to choose between a tall dude who loved Asia and a you-looking dude who loved sweaters and wearing sweaters, I'd choose you. That's really nice. Thank you. And I'd blow your mind.

Kevin:My bad. Space heater and fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet.

Jim · Kevin · Office Staff:The office tries to guess the server password by thinking of things happening 8 years ago: 'Lord of the Rings stuff?' and 'Everyone was getting their driver's license.'

Kevin:Try 'big boobz' with a Z.

Kevin:I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin's repeated 'Dunh-duh-na-dah!' fanfare followed by 'Zero.' twice — the second time after Oscar recalculates.

Kevin:Kevin suggests 'an antacid that you only take once a week' as America's big idea to beat China

Kevin:Kevin asks about the nail salon: 'Is the nail place Koreans or whites?' — treating this as a dealbreaker factor

Jim · Kevin:Office guesses at the high-profile case: 'Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?' 'Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?'

Kevin · Pam:Kevin's resolution card: 'Learn to cook for one.' Talking head: 'I love cooking. But I always find myself throwing out half the food... So I figured it's time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.' 'Well, maybe you'll meet someone.' 'No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.'

Kevin:"No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party."

Kevin:Kevin's resolution confession: 'Since last year I ate none.' (re: vegetables)

Kevin · Gabe · Michael:Kevin being force-fed broccoli: 'Why are you eating stem first?' Kevin: 'This is a new food for me. How else should I eat it?' Gabe: 'The other way.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin mid-broccoli: 'Can I get some Cheez Whiz? Or Hollandaise?' Michael: 'No Cheez Whiz, no Hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on, here comes the airplane. There you go.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'Okay, I ate the fluffy part. Can I be done?' Michael: 'Let me see if you swallowed it. Open your mouth. Under your tongue.'

Kevin · Michael · Pam:After the broccoli ordeal: Kevin asks for candy; Michael refuses; then: 'I'll get him water.' / 'Oh, my God!'

Kevin:Kevin: 'It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.'

Kevin · Ryan:Kevin interrupts Ryan's artistic monologue: 'Hey, Ryan. How's your fart project coming?' Ryan: 'That's real, real classy, Kevin.'

Kevin · Ryan:Kevin claps back at Ryan's 'real, real classy': 'Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?' Ryan: 'Me.' Kevin: 'Kevin, don't.' 'Come on.'

Kevin · Pam:'I'm a suck-suck-suckety Sabre.' / Boo-yah! No. No, no. No, no, no.

Pam · Oscar · Kevin · Gabe:The office workers conducting the caption contest via secret I.M. chat to circumvent Gabe's rules — and Gabe intercepting it.

Kevin · Meredith · Kevin:Gabe's mom... / Mm, Gabe's mom? / Wait, tall woman? Looks like Gabe? / Yeah, I banged her. / Yeah, there you go.

Kevin · Oscar · Creed · Pam · Other Office Workers:The office group confessional about Michael and Holly's PDA culminates with Kevin saying 'I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny,' causing group disgust.

Kevin · Dwight · Office Workers:Dwight adds Kevin to the list. Office: 'With who?' Kevin: 'She goes to another school.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin looking through the window making faces to cheer Michael up — Michael coaches him: 'Do a monkey face. Do a monkey face.' Kevin obliges with monkey sounds. 'Jump. Jump up and down.' 'Throw your poop. Hurl your feces.'

Kevin:'Have you talked to her about our feelings? Women really go for that crap.'

Ryan · Toby · Kevin:Reaction beat: Three co-workers shown in separate interviews saying 'He finished his movie? No kidding.' / 'Wow. That's great.' / 'Yeah, good for him.' — each clearly surprised and vaguely condescending

Kevin:Billy the bartender's monologue: 'You got problems? My TV don't work. I pay 30 bucks a month for the damn satellite Whatsahoozit. I can't even get the damn game. Now you tell me, what's worse than that?'

Kevin:Billy: 'I'm gonna cheer you up the only ways I know hows.'

Michael · Kevin:Billy tells Scarn to do his dance. Scarn refuses: 'No, Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died.'

Kevin:'Hey, we got sports games again.'

Kevin · Phyllis · Dwight · Jim:End of movie: The president calls for another mission. Audience debate erupts: 'Isn't the president evil?' / 'Oh, yeah. Yes, he is.' / 'No, no, he's doing it to catch the president.' / 'No, no, Dwight, he's just being stupid.'

Todd Packer · Kevin:Packer to Kevin: 'Since when did you learn how to read?' Kevin: 'I do know how to read, though.' Packer: 'Yeah. You know how to read a menu.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'I... He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.'

Kevin:Kevin's confessional: 'I should be apologizing to Packer, because everybody knows that I can dish it as good as I can take it.'

Packer · Kevin · Ryan:Packer's apology: 'I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.' Kevin: 'I wasn't offended.' Packer: 'Well, like I said...'

Dwight · Pam · Kevin:Extended argument over whether to leave the garage door open in the cold, with Dwight insisting the cold 'will drive business inside' and refusing to close it

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:Andy proposes making the Dallas board game 'a little interesting' after Kevin reveals there are no instructions

Kevin · Andy · Darryl:Kevin plays a 'blackmail card' and 'proxy meeting card' in the same turn in Dallas board game; Andy says you can't do both

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:Andy plays a 'share the wealth' card from The Game of Life — 'It was in the box.'

Kevin:Kevin confessional: 'Get this. Kevin thought I was going to sell my Bowflex for $200. And I told him, "Dude, this was a prop in my movie."'

Kevin · Andy · Darryl:Kevin's Dallas endgame: 'Hey, guys, it's my turn.' / 'You can't go. You're dead. I shot you five moves ago.'

Michael · Toby · Meredith · Creed · Kevin · Others:Michael asks every person in the annex to marry him; each one says 'No' in turn — 'That marriage would be a sham.' / 'That would be hot. I would pay to see that.'

Angela · Kevin:'This is a cloth tablecloth. You can't color on it.' / 'Oh, really?' (ignores it and colors anyway)

Andy · Jim · Pam · Dwight · Kevin · Erin · Oscar · Meredith · Angela · Stanley · Ryan:The office performs a parody of 'Seasons of Love' ('Rent') customized with Michael-specific details: 'You hit me with your car / You helped me get off drugs / I watch you when you sleep / I forgive you for kissing me'

Kevin:Kevin, apparently caught on camera going to the bathroom, says 'You guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?'

Michael · Kevin:Michael gives Kevin a gift — a caricature of Kevin. Reacts with recognition, then Michael tears it up saying 'Don't be a caricature, Kevin. Never be a caricature.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael to Kevin: 'You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love.'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin: 'Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now.' Michael: 'Don't be. You should never settle for who you are.'

Phyllis · Kevin · Jim:The shredder conversation: Phyllis says it won't shred magazines. Kevin says he knows it's not supposed to. Jim: 'Did you break the shredder, Kevin?' Kevin: 'No. It's just that old shredder sucks.'

Erin · Kevin · Andy:Kevin walks by; Erin: 'Kevin?' / Kevin: 'Andy.' — Erin mistook Kevin for a romantic option

Deangelo · Kevin:That is a— An astute observation, Kevin. Kev's got me pegged.

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is in the inner circle.'

Deangelo · Ryan · Kevin:Deangelo reacts to 'sexist': 'Damn!' / Ryan: 'Whoa.' / Kevin: 'Hot.'

Kevin · Deangelo:Kevin: 'Deangelo, she can get really bitchy.' Deangelo: 'Kevin, wah-wah.'

Deangelo · Kevin · Angela · Oscar:Deangelo insists the foul line is where he says it is. Kevin volunteers to sit under the basket. 'Someone wanna sit in Kevin's lap?' / 'Angela?' 'No.' / 'Oscar?' 'No, thank you.'

Kevin · Oscar · Jim:Someone has to do something about Dwight. He put some snacks in the freezer for us. / You mean the frozen mice for the piranha? / No. The blueberry slurpee pouch. / Hmm. He means the ice pack.

Kevin · Jim · Dwight:Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head. / No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! / No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun.

Dwight · Kevin · Others:Would you consider this a terrorist incident? / I felt terrorized. / Come on. / Oh, there's a whole nother terrorism booklet for that.

Kevin · Dwight:Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in 'shagadelic, baby,' at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough, can you do jazz hands? / What's jazz hands? / Fine.

Kevin · Dwight · Jo:Gimme a back massage. No, Kevin, come on. / My back is sore, Dwight. Massage it. / Kevin, not now. / Hey, Jo... [Kevin escalates to rope in Jo during a meeting]

Kevin · Dwight · Jo:No. Under the jacket. / You're kidding me. / Oh... God, what am I touching? It's moist. / I don't feel anything. / Oh, it's so wet. / Push harder, Dwight. / I can't push harder! / Go a little higher. / There. / There you go. Nope. Higher. / Higher. / Oh, my God! / There we go. / Knead it like a pizza. / I'm kneading it! / But don't eat it.

Creed · Kevin:'Boboddy. Boboddy. What does the first B stand for?' — Creed has invented a person named Boboddy and is making an acronym from it.

Andy · Kevin · Jim:Andy's pre-interview pep talk: he asks his friends what they need to tell him. Kevin says 'I think Andy should be the boss. He's just so great.' Jim says 'If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course.'

Kevin:Kevin's commentary on the alphabet puppet show: 'It's good. It's just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet. Not for me, but if any kids are watching. A, B... And so forth. M, N, L, O, P. F.'

Erin · Kevin:The puppet's request: 'I need the most special thing in the office. Silence?' / Puppet: 'A date with the best salesman, Andy Bernard!'

Kevin:Kevin's criteria for manager: 'Whoever it is, I think they should be lame. Kind of a non-threatening, moderate personality.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin is planking on something (likely a desk or copier), can't get down, and Andy has to intervene — 'This has got to stop. / I can't get down. / Ke-- Kevin!'

Kevin · Jim · Phyllis:We need a warning signal. / We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. I can see him right there. We do! / I promise you, we don't need-- / WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! [Kevin shouts, startling Phyllis into an accident]

Kevin:What side of the list am I on? / Left. / YES!

Kevin:Pizza party! ♪ Pizza party ♪ ♪ pizza party... ♪

Dwight · Angela · Kevin:'Cultural ghetto'? / Totally, totally agree. / Completely. / Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.

Kevin:The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling. / I should not be here. I'm in the-- I was in the wrong-- I'm sorry. Just picture me back there. I-I was never here.

Kevin · Robert:What made you pick this group? / I just think you guys are winners, and I wanted to have lunch with you. / Well, what about the other guys? Losers? Come on. / Come on, come on. / No. Well... I guess I think they're losers.

Kevin:I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me — my parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors — everyone.

Kevin:Kevin responding to a normal workplace question with 'Me do it now. Go. Stop worry'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.'

Kevin:Kevin's deadpan dismissal of Oscar's theory: 'You keep think that.'

Kevin:Kevin's mechanic analogy: 'Me mechanic not speak English but he know what me mean when me say Car no go. And we best friends.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Many small time make big time.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy: 'What are you going to do with all this time?' Kevin: 'See world.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy: 'Kevin, are you saying "see the world" or SeaWorld?'

Kevin:Kevin clarifies: 'See world. Oceans. Fish Jump. China.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'When me president they see.' — then cuts to Kevin sitting in silence for 5 seconds.

Kevin · unknown coworker:Kevin at his desk: 'Hey, Kevin, what are you doing?' Kevin: 'Don't talk to me.'

Andy · Kevin · Unknown:Who's in? [for warehouse duty] / As long as you guys don't need me up here. / I think we'll be fine. / No, we don't.

Kevin:Well, guess what? I will not do a good job. (Kevin, talking head)

Kevin · Pregnant Coworker:Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess-your-baby's-birth-weight pool. / It says 'lotto pool' right on top. / Yeah, and I said sorry. / Oh, come on. You really think I'm going to have a 14-pound baby?

Pregnant Coworker · Kevin:When did I get so fat? / You look awesome.

Kevin:When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. It really made them laugh.

Kevin · Oscar:Come on, Oscar. Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy? / Bulk or definition?

Andy · Kevin:Message in a Bottle, The Postman... / Kevin Costner. / Kevin Costner, yeah.

Kevin · Jim · Dwight:So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea. You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it. / So it's not the dumbest idea. / It's not the greatest one... But the fact remains, we gotta move these boxes. And it's clear we're not going to carry them.

Kevin:Andy's family garden party video — 'Who's the sausage?' referring to Andy's brother in the viral video

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin is apparently suspended or elevated in some contraption at the party: 'This is not funny, man. Let me down. I think this thing is broken.' / 'It's not broken, Kevin. This is how it works.'

Kevin:Hey, guys, I'm an Oscar Liar Wiener!

Kevin · Andy:Kevin: 'Can you tell me now where paper comes from?' / Kevin: 'The man tree puts its penis...' / Andy: 'Okay. All right.'

Andy · Pam · Kevin:Andy's plan: 'Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you, and your breasts are enormous, that could help us.' / Kevin's assignment: 'Kevin has that lovability.'

Pam · Kevin:Pam and Kevin discuss Labradoodles: 'That's too much doodle and not enough lab.' / 'Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just lab? That's what I'm saying.'

Kevin:Kevin's plan to save the company: 'I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyone's signatures including our clients, march down to Florida and shove it up your butt.'

Dwight · Kevin · Pam:Dwight: 'Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's nobody's perfect.' / Kevin: 'Nice stroke, Pam.' / Pam: 'No, it's a jokey saying — Pobody's nerfect. Like, I can't even say those words right.'

Dwight · Pam · Kevin:Dwight: 'You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk.' / Pam: 'Any specific animal?' / Dwight: 'I'm thinking cow.' / Kevin: 'Don't say cow.'

Kevin · Darryl:It's like a porno: Did anybody order a pizza? / It's not pizza. And we're not about to make love.

Darryl · Kevin:Bang out a few tunes / I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?

Oscar · Kevin · Pam:It's gonna be nice to have a healthy, young, fit presence in the office. Aesthetically speaking, strictly. She adds a nice presence. Good energy. / It's gonna be nice to have someone hot at Pam's desk?

Kevin:You have this sexy glow. / It's one of the most common fetishes.

Darryl · Kevin · Andy:Nice scatting, man. I think I said 'doop' instead of 'boop' at one point. / Not bad, fellas. You're better than you look. / Screw you!

Kevin · Andy:Kevin: 'We're called Kevin and the Zits.' Andy/others: 'That was never agreed upon.'

Andy · Kevin:Guys, Robert is gonna be a Zit. / Again, never agreed upon.

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:I had given up on hanging out with Robert, and now he wants to be in our band. And in a rock n' roll band, you're bonded for life. Usually that life is short and tragic. / That's okay, right? / Yeah, even cooler.

Darryl · Andy · Kevin:We had to leave because of creative differences. / Yeah, they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing. / Guys, this means... They're Kevin and the Zits now. / No, man... We are.

Kevin:Raw fish. The disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner.

Kevin:Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding — from, that's right, Japan.

Kevin:Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that with origami — it's the sushi of paper.

Robert California · Kevin:This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with? / I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so.

Kevin:You know how in the vending machine, they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that because they think A-1 is the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go.

Kevin:Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a for instance.

Kevin:So, another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once. But other than that, forget it.

Kevin:Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeleine. Oh. They'll just break your heart.

Dwight · Kevin · Robert California:I call it the Big Mac idea. / What? No. / Big Mac idea. Sounds encouraging. / It's really, really good, Robert. Let me explain. / No, this is not fair. This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.

Kevin:Damn it. Hey!

Kevin:Coworker responds to Dwight's standing desk pitch: 'I tried one of those, and I just couldn't find the sweet spot.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president or a supermodel president. All the different kinds of presidents.'

Robert California · Kevin:Robert California, consoled about his wife leaving: 'I actually appreciate the human intimacy. I feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin saying 'Oh yeah' every time he eats a candy bar, Oscar calling him out, and Kevin being unable to stop himself — doing it again immediately after being confronted

Kevin:'You can write a book about chairs.' — Kevin's answer to 'What else can be done with paper?'

Andy · Oscar · Kevin · Meredith · Kelly · Erin:The team self-sorting into A-team, Backup, and 'Good-timers' — with clear visual implication that Kevin and other weak players self-select into the good-timers group

Kevin:Kevin's reasoning for what blind people think about: 'Oh, what do blind people think about? Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness.'

Oscar · Kevin:Kevin checking his phone during trivia: 'I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'I can't not... touch it.' / 'I want to be with my phone.'

Kevin · Erin:Kevin hits the bell immediately on 'On a square-rigged ship...' — gets the answer 'flying jib' before anyone processes the question

Kevin:ADHD vs. dyslexia trivia answer — Kevin confidently buzzes in 'ADHD' and is wrong; correct answer is dyslexia

Kevin:Kevin immediately answers 'The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight?' with '300 pounds!'

Kevin · Meredith:The obscure French film question — answered correctly by the B-team because 'Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.'

Kevin · Meredith · Erin · Kelly:Final montage: The B-team rattling off answers — 'Riboflavin.' / 'Michigan.' / 'POTUS.' / 'John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath.' — with total confidence

Kevin:Kevin barges in: 'Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.'

Kevin:Kevin pitches the pool party: 'Yeah. All of us in the pool saying hurrah.' Pause. 'Maybe the last one that says hurrah is it.'

Robert California · Kevin · Oscar:Robert agrees to the party, then: 'Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.' Kevin immediately: 'Hey, Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air, or was it me?' Oscar: 'That was you, Kevin.' Kevin: 'It was me.'

Kevin:Kevin, standing by the pool in a swimsuit, holds a hot dog in front of his crotch area: 'What are you doing? Hmm? Flicking a bug off my weiner. Gross.'

Kevin:Kevin about getting in the pool: 'I've been working out, but the problem is I've been building muscle underneath and that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage. Mmm.'

Kevin · Oscar:Is it black? Because that would be hilarious. / Why? / You know.

Oscar · Kevin:Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby? / A little bit. Yeah. Right, guys? Back me up.

Kevin · Oscar:Oh. Did I win the pool? / Uh, no. Right month, wrong year.

Kevin:Yeah, Oscar's the dad. I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.

Kevin · Oscar:Philip is so fat. / Kevin! / You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. You didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.

Oscar · Kevin:Yes, he's substantial. Hey. / He's more than substantial. He's a monster.

Kevin · Angela:I'm going to call him Little Kevin. / No, you will not. / Is he really five pounds? Because I squat with five pounds. (Grunts) This feels like more than that. / He's nine pounds seven ounces.

Kevin · Angela:Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. / You know what? I was under so many drugs — a James Taylor concert or something.

Kevin:The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.

Kevin · Angela:Little Kevin. / Really? / Angela. / Fine. God.

Angela · Kevin:He's hungry. / Oh, that's my cue to leave. / No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover. / Still.

Kevin:Damn, girl, your body.

Pam · Kevin:Oh, Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts. You're allergic to walnuts, right, Kevin? Extremely, but I'm going to fight through it.

Kevin:Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

Kevin:Because I feel like that I'm at a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport. Maybe putting down a few dollars, if there's, like, a crazy mismatch or something.

Pam · Kevin · Andy:Erin set the phones to voicemail. Pam and Kevin bicker about who should answer. Andy is told 'You're standing up, you're the closest one to it.' Andy answers: 'Hello, Dunder Mifflin... Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?'

Kevin:'Ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.'

Andy · Kevin · Others:Andy's team processing orders: 'Eight cases, bright white inkjet. Paid.' 'I'm dying!' 'Processed.' 'And delivered.'

Kevin:'Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.'

Kevin:Kevin blurts: 'Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?'

Kevin:'If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure?'

Darryl · Kevin:Cookie-selling subplot begins: 'Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada. Want the same as last year?' 'Would if I could and I can, so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice.' 'I'll put you down for shortbreads.' 'Damn it!'

Kevin:Kevin interrupts a golf lesson to try to sell cookies: 'Would you like to buy some cookies?' — scene cuts immediately as Robert considers.

Kevin:Kevin sings an original cookie season song to Robert California: '♪ Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best... but gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth / Nothing beats the cookie season ♪'

Darryl · Kevin:'It's not a scratch and sniff, Kev.' 'I know. But sometimes you still get a little something.'

Kevin · Office Worker · Kevin:'Metaphorically sixty-nined.' 'Ew! Perverts.' 'No offense, Oscar.'

Kevin:Cookie war deliberations: Kevin suggests Darryl sing the frog song from Looney Tunes, 'Make them kiss each other. Make them kiss me! Eww.'

Kevin:'What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago.'

Kevin:Kevin video-chatting with Erin about her tan: 'I want you looking totally puertoriquena when I see you.'

Kevin · Darryl · Toby:Cookie competition escalation: Kevin's hunger level negotiations — '40 boxes?' / 'Hungrier.' / '50?' / 'Hungrier.' / 'Triple digits.'

Kevin · Alex · Sam:Kevin's voicemail: 'Hi, this is Alex. And this is Sam. Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy... With us.' Kevin (pleased): 'Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.'

Kevin · Darryl · Toby:Kevin demands: 'Now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?' Darryl: 'Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.' Toby: 'I refuse to be another man's horsey.'

Kevin:Kevin announces: 'I'll do anything!' Then sings the Michigan J. Frog song ('Hello, my baby, hello, my honey...') to Darryl and Toby.

Kevin · Meredith:'I'm even gonna kiss Meredith.' [Kiss] 'That is -- Hmm. That's... so good.'

Kevin:'When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.'

Kevin:'I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, "Look, a balloon."'

Kevin:Kevin quietly chants 'Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon.' as it descends

Nellie · Kevin:Nellie attempts to intuit Kevin's name: 'I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... Chumbo?'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Hot tub party?' in response to Nellie's threat of 'something more intimate'

Kevin:Kevin: 'I already spent the money.' (explaining why he believes in Tinkerbell)

Jim · Pam · Phyllis · Kevin · Oscar · Dwight:The entire office cannot agree on or picture whether Stanley has a mustache, despite working with him for 25 years

Nellie · Oscar · Kevin · Dwight:"...and I mean no offense, but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?" — followed by the room's silent alarm

Kevin · Phyllis · Angela:"I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?" / "I'm still not sure why this woman is even here!"

Kevin · Oscar:"How about 'Pam'? Simple, easy to remember." / "Because there's someone already here named Pam."

Kevin:Kevin's complaint: "This cake has vegetables in it like a salad bar, Robert."

Kevin:"How do I get this taste out of my mouth?"

Kevin:Kevin thanks Nellie for the sweater but adds 'I just wish there was pockets'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin explains that Nellie 'bobblized' his bobblehead, renaming it 'Captain Mutato'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: Captain Mutato is 'half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man, and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter.'

Kevin · Erin:Kevin defends Erin's sex life: 'Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.'

Kevin:Kevin talking head about the fundraiser crowd: 'Grey suit over there is sending a signal. Downstairs is receiving.'

Kevin · Creed:Creed, I just bid $20 on six jujitsu lessons. / No one's raping this guy. / Well, I don't want to get raped. / No, it was my idea to not be raped.

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'I'm going to say what everyone is afraid to say. Phyllis is a bully. A big, beautiful bully. And she is not getting that centerpiece.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'I just give a dollar to every charity. That way you get all the mail, all the calendars. You can't believe how much you get for just a buck. It's also nice to know you're making a difference.'

Kevin · Nellie:Kevin and Nellie scheming to get tacos: 'Call me a layman, but I wish there was some real food here. Like hamburgers. Or Oreos. Or a pizza pie. Or...' / 'Tacos.' / 'What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos.'

Kevin · Oscar:Call me a layman, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers or Oreos or a pizza pie or... what's another food that we like? Tacos!

Kevin · Nellie:Kevin and Nellie eating tacos — non-verbal comedy of Nellie experiencing a taco for the first time with elaborate sounds and expressions.

Kevin:Kevin: 'Are you guys nuts? He's not doing great. He was fired. This is terrible. This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you.' — as Andy insists everything is fine.

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the time.'

Kevin · Pete:New employee asks where to throw something out. Kevin's response: 'Oh my God. It's called a garbage can. Helpless.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'They're like the new Jim and Dwight.'

Kevin · Angela:Angela needs to give away a cat. Kevin: 'The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one that you let go around naked?'

Angela · Kevin:Angela: 'So cute that you just want to eat them.' Kevin (beat): 'But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin.'

Kevin:Kevin's confessional recap: 'In the parking lot today, there was a circus. A copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day at the office of a dog food company.'

Kevin · Pam:"A wheel is supposed to spin." / "No, I'm familiar with spinning. It's just, that wouldn't work with a chore wheel, because people might get the same chore." / "Bah! Boring. All she talks about is chores."

Kevin · Pam:"This sucks. Yeah, seriously. It's like everything on there is work." / "Yeah, and I don't think that you understand wheels."

Kevin:'It's a great prank. I want to work with Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes.' — about Heifers International giving goats to poor people

Kevin · Angela:Angela's 'oldy-weds' game comment and Kevin asking 'What's the craziest place you ever made whoopee?'

Kevin · Dwight:James Franco is a genius debate: 'Well, it doesn't make you stupid.' / 'Well, yeah, it does actually. It makes you real stupid.' / 'Stupid like you. No, like you! Like you! You're the stupid one...' (ongoing)

Kevin · Andy:Andy asks if anyone has turned in status reports. Kevin says 'Vos.' Andy: 'So no?' Kevin: 'Do you think you could remind people?' Andy: 'I'm trying to downplay the whole bossy-boss thing today. Because of your slaves.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin asks Andy (clearly doing a bit): 'Hey boss, I am so thirsty, can I have a scoop of water?'

Andy · Kevin:'Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt. And John Wayne? No. Not that I see here. Wayne Johnson? The Rock? You mean Dwayne, and no.'

Andy · Meredith · Kevin:'Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.' Meredith: 'Cool.' Kevin: 'Stop it! Stop it, you're frightening me.'

Oscar · Andy · Kevin:Oscar's speech: 'The difference is, Andy, that you're the only one here still benefitting from the terrible things your ancestors did.' Andy: 'Might have done.' Oscar: 'Your family's rich.' Andy: 'There's nothing wrong with being successful in America. I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth could one day benefit society, if capital gains are ever taxed at the same rate as earned income.' Beat. 'Okay, Kevin did that.'

Andy · Kevin:'I do not wish I was in Dixie.' Kevin, apparently, has changed Andy's ringtone again.

Kevin:Kevin talking head: 'So Creed is that dude's stepdad?' Someone confirms. 'Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm just going to say it. I'm nervous.'

Pam · Kevin · Office Staff:Someone on the bus starts a 'Shabooya Roll Call' — a rhythmic call-and-response chant — and the whole bus joins in with personalized verses.

Kevin:Kevin suddenly does mental math to calculate if they'll make it to the pie stand in time. 'At 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare!'

Jim · Kevin:Jim tests Kevin's math with '19,154 pies divided by 61 pies' — Kevin instantly says '314 pies.' Then Jim asks 'What if it were salads?' Kevin starts adding: 'Carry the four... In the... It doesn't work.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin approaches Oscar with a pie. Oscar realizes Kevin wants to get hit in the face with a pie and says so. Kevin: 'You don't have the guts, you stupid, dumb do-do face.'

Kevin · Oscar:Oscar pies Kevin in the face. Kevin's response: 'Yes!' Then: 'Oh, my God, I'm getting so stuffed.'

Kevin:Kevin's costume: 'Jitterbug'

Clark · Kevin:Clark/Kevin: 'I thought that concert was pretty great.' / 'Oh, yeah, I decided acapelco music is awesome.'

Kevin:Kevin's response to Angela's heartfelt plea: 'That's beautiful. No, I totally get that.'

Kevin:'That's beautiful. No, I totally get that.' — Kevin responds to Angela's desperate secret-keeping plea

Kevin · Angela:'I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that.' / 'I don't know what that means.'

Angela · Kevin:Angela snapping at Kevin about 1138 forms: 'Well, I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you could do could surprise me anymore.' / Kevin: 'Oh, really, Angela? That's interesting. Because I do think that I could surprise you.'

Kevin:Kevin pretends to have to go to the bathroom to escape the conversation: 'I have to go to the bathroom!'

Angela · Kevin:Angela's talking-head: 'That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom. So the supply forms are going to be...' [interrupted by Kevin bursting in yelling 'I have to go to the bathroom!' again]

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin's talking-head: 'Hey, Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion? I hope that's it, Kevin. Me, too. 'Cause then I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.'

Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Oscar bribing Kevin with snack machine money to separate Kevin from Angela mid-conversation

Kevin · Angela:Kevin's talking-head reveal: 'Well, Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information.' / Angela: 'Why on Earth would you think you were getting a promotion?' / Kevin: 'You know what, Angela? I... Oh, my God!'

Kevin · Phyllis · Oscar:Pizza Friday could come back. Hey, remember that week in the '90s when we got bagels? I miss Clinton.

Meredith · Kevin:I hope you like being turned on all the time. Damn! It just keeps on coming, huh?

Erin · Kevin:Erin, did this call-- / Uh! Sorry. I just-- I saw your face. / Oh. I'm sorry. It's for the thing. / I know. That's great. It just -- it makes it look like there's an eyebrow in the middle of your face.

Kevin:He's a sweet kid, Darryl, but not the sharpest guy in the drawer.

Darryl · Kevin:Kevin, I can hear you. Uh-huh.

Kevin · Jim · Pete:Kevin knocks over the card tower. Panic. Jim says 'It's just a mistake. That's what this tower is all about. Mistakes... If you're afraid of screwing up, this tower's not for you.'

Pete · Kevin · Darryl:All right! Check it out. Yes! Like a phoenix from the ashes! Nice. Pretty soon, we're going to be at the ceiling.

Pete · Pam · Kevin:It's empty. What? What? Come on, we could use a blank card. No! No! That's cheating! I could get us a complaint. You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.

Kevin · Pete · Darryl:Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Go, Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! [Kevin chanting, others joining]

Pam · Kevin · Pete:Did they say anything? / What did they say? / I couldn't tell. I don't... Were they angry? / I felt like they were confused at least.

Pete · Kevin · Pam:Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client! Yes! All right! Come on! You did good. You did good. See you later, Heymont!

Kevin:Kevin: 'We're out there, sweating our balls off every day, busting our balls. We deserve a Christmas party.'

Kevin · Office:Someone tries to count money/change out loud ('two dimes, seven nickels and one, well, okay, no that doesn't add up...') while others desperately try to shush them for a romantic moment happening nearby

Kevin:Kevin's idea of what Darryl needs: 'An Escalade.' Then, corrected: 'Oh — or, what's-her-name? Val.'

Kevin · Phyllis · Meredith:Kevin, Phyllis, and Meredith ambush Val with relationship advice: 'We think you made a big, big mistake. Big mistake. Quite enormous.'

Kevin:Kevin asks Val out immediately after she refuses to reunite with Darryl: 'Well, then, what would you say to you and me hitting the town, because I'm free literally forever.'

Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Oscar sings '♪ Yolo! ♪' to advocate for trying all 16 espresso flavors, then gets called out: 'You just do not look cool saying it.'

Kevin · Office staff:Kevin chants countdown numbers as Erin drinks each espresso; the group has to restrain him: 'Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Stop it, Kevin! That's enough, Kevin!'

Kevin · Oscar · Erin · Pam:Pam's colleagues shout 'Pam, look out! Erin's gunning for your job!' — twice. Erin: 'No, I'm not. It's not like that at all.' Kevin: 'Pam, look out!'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Move. I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.' Worker: 'Well, I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.'

Kevin · Angela · Oscar:Kevin assumes 'Irish-American Cultural Center mural' is a joke setup and enthusiastically waits for the punchline: 'Potato?'

Kevin:Kevin's definition of customer loyalty: 'Oh, it's when you get a free sandwich after you've already eaten 10 sandwiches.'

Kevin:Kevin on Pete's feelings: 'Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart. And a little bit your penis.'

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin and Dwight on a delivery truck — 'You looking for fun? It just found you! Whoo!'

Kevin · Dwight:'How far is this place?' / 'Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way we could play some sports!'

Dwight · Kevin:Dwight throws a milkshake into a fast food restaurant — 'Fire in the hole!' — while Kevin drives

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin's moral objection: 'You just threw a milkshake into a restaurant where they make minimum wage.' Dwight: 'It's a YouTube thing!'

Dwight · Kevin:Final tag: Dwight and Kevin on the truck — 'Fire in the hole!' / 'Go! Go! Go!' / 'I nailed that guy!' / 'And replay.' / Then they watch the replay and celebrate again

Kevin · Oscar · Jim · Pam:Office workers reacting to the candidates: 'I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. Now look what he's doing to us.' / 'Jim, this is all your fault.' Jim: 'How is it my fault?'

Angela · Kevin:It will mostly be campaign donors. / Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping $8 to Lipton for America to have an invitation.

Kevin · Angela:Hey, so a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So do you want me to go with you? / No. / Okay, I understand. I'll just stay here then, alone with the money. / Oh, crap.

Kevin:'Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge, so I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's good-bye, chunky lemon milk.'

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin awkwardly asks Darryl to pretend to be a couple for the discount. Darryl flatly says 'No.' Then immediately says 'Yes. Yes. Why wouldn't I?'

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin tries to coach Darryl on pretending to be gay; Darryl snaps 'Stop talking about it. I said I'm fine with it.' Then they both look at the chocolates and simultaneously agree they're terrible.

Darryl · Kevin · Nail Salon Worker:Darryl and Kevin attempt to claim the couples discount. Worker: 'No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.' Darryl: 'We are together, romantically.' Worker flatly refuses.

Kevin · Office Staff · Andy:Wallace gives Andy a bonus check. Kevin specifies: 'Quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone.' Multiple people in the office say 'Mm-hmm' in unison.

Kevin · Andy:Kevin tells Andy about Pam's mural fire: 'Lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.' Andy, confused: 'There was a fire in the warehouse? The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.'

Kevin · Wallace:Kevin reveals Kathy Ireland is now the 'official spokesbabe of Dunder Mifflin' — topless on European billboards. Wallace: 'Go, Kathy. She's like 50.' Kevin: 'They're tasteful.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin, during Andy's self-pitying monologue: 'You got a booger bubble going on there.' Andy: 'Sorry.' Kevin: 'That's okay. My whole life is a booger bubble.'

Erin · Alice · Kevin:Erin to the management consultant (Alice, Pete's ex): 'Cute sweater.' Alice: 'Oh, thanks.' Erin: 'Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk.' Kevin: 'I'm Kevin.'

Gabe · Kevin · Andy · Erin:Gabe, upon seeing Erin's new boyfriend: 'Hey Erin, look who's back. The birdman.' / 'Hello, beautiful.' / Kevin to Erin about Andy: 'Didn't you two used to do it?' / Andy: 'We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.'

Andy · Kevin:Kevin asks why Andy doesn't just do regular sit-ups. Andy: 'I'll tell you why. Because... The floor... is... disgusting.'

Kevin:Kevin refusing to help Andy get down from the gravity boots: 'Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now?'

Todd Packer · Stanley · Kevin:Packer extends the Phyllis apology to 'all you double XLs — Stanley, Kevin, this kid in a few years' (pointing at a child).

Kevin:Kevin knows the exact price of the cupcakes: '$3.75 a cupcake actually, $3.67 if you buy a dozen. I never forget a number. Names, in one ear and out the other. Places, nope. Faces, that's rich. But numbers, I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.'

Kevin · Angela:Kevin's anti-cupcake resistance breaks: 'Kevin, you can do this.' 'You don't know that.' — Kevin is clearly very close to eating the cupcake.

Angela · Kevin:The Skyfall distraction gambit: 'Let's think of something to distract us. Like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?' / 'James Bond was a spy.' / 'Yes, he was a good spy.' / 'Yeah. He was the best.' / 'James Bond would love this cupcake.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy is asked what he did last night. He says 'Nothing, really' while clearly having done something; Kevin is asked and also denies it. They insist they did not see each other while clearly reacting to something off-screen. Then they scream together.

Kevin:It's porn. Yeah.

Kevin:You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes, and everything changes.

Kevin:Kevin: 'I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.'

Kevin · Clark:Kelly (off-screen): 'Kelly called it. 2013.'

Kevin · Phyllis:Coworkers watching the press conference: 'Ooh, there's Angela. I work with her.' 'I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it.'

Kevin · Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Her hair looks beautiful.' Kevin: 'Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star!'

Senator · Oscar · Kevin:Senator thanks Oscar Martinez — Oscar is also revealed to be with the Senator

Kevin:Kevin: 'Oscar is with the senator too? Yes! And I knew it the whole time.'

Kevin:Kevin's extended celebration: 'I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn't know, you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. But I knew! He knew! Yes! We did it. You did it, Kevin.'

Kevin:It's practically made of plastic.

Kevin · Angela · Nellie:Kevin versus Angela matchup introduced; Kevin admits he bought a pre-folded plane off Craigslist

Dwight · Kevin:Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself? Uh-huh. Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself, 'cause it's in the rules that you have to fold your own plane. Kevin, did you make that yourself? Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist.

Dwight · Kevin:This is flatter. It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane. Okay, that's enough. This is the end of the ream now. You have to pick one. I can't. I love them all too much. And none of them fly. So that makes it harder.

Kevin:Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.

Kevin:Are you guys high? Because, if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds.

Kevin:Kevin's paper airplane 'The Mark 47' launch — with 'Less paste' instruction

Kevin:I know a guy who can turn that into $800. Hint, it's me.

Dwight · Kevin:Dwight announces his knuckles are 'four new deadly weapons' named 'Basher, Thrasher, Crasher and...' then pauses. Kevin volunteers: 'Smasher?' Dwight: 'Smasher? No. Where'd you get that? Fireball!'

Kevin:Kevin's talking-head: 'Andy's from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work and died quietly from a heart attack?'

Kevin:Kevin continues: 'Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don't know. You know who's really funny? This bird in the park that can't fly right. I'd pay to see him. But I don't have to, 'cause the park is free.'

Dwight · Sensei Billy · Kevin:Sensei Billy: 'I can't do this if you're gonna be thrusting like that, okay? I think we're gonna have to cut this off.' The office narrator (Kevin's voice implied): 'He will now perform the ceremonial cutting off of the belt.'

Sensei Billy · Kevin:After the thrusting makes the belt removal impossible, Billy declares: 'I think we're gonna have to cut this off.' Kevin's narrator-voice echo: 'He will now perform the ceremonial cutting off of the belt.'

Kevin · Toby · Andy:Kevin and Toby confront Andy with a list of objections to quitting: '...in your late 30s with no savings to fall back on and no real connections in that business, which can be competitive. Yeah, sure. What's your question?' 'Our question is... it seems dumb.'

Toby · Kevin · Andy:Toby proposes Andy stay and 'full-ass' it as manager. Kevin: 'Really give it a go? Be the greatest manager in the history of this branch and in that way, achieve the fame and immortality that you seek?'

Kevin:Kevin's talking-head: 'No, I don't think he can make it as an actor. But he also can't make it as an employee in an office, so, you know, why not go nuts with it?'

Toby · Andy · Kevin:Wallace tells Andy his plan 'seems dumb,' Andy fires back with 'it's better than sticking around here and half-assing it.' Toby: 'But what if you were to stay here and "full-ass" it?'

Andy · Kevin:Andy returns having changed his mind again: 'Hey, everybody. I changed my mind. Not leaving. I'm gonna stay on in sales.' Kevin: 'Oh! Thank God!' then immediately: 'Because sales could be your best role yet.'

Kevin · Oscar:After Andy's performance, Kevin and Oscar debate his potential: Kevin: 'He's not terrible. Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time, like Lil' Romeo.' Oscar: 'No, he's good.' Kevin: 'He was good.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin and Oscar goodnight exchange — 'Good night, Kevin.' 'Night, Oscar.' — a quiet, warm beat that plays as comedy through its mundane sweetness after the emotional Andy sequence.

Angela · Kevin:Kevin bursting in: 'Daycare won't take Phillip anymore. Why? Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin confessional: 'When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.' — then Oscar adding the Kevin bit

Kevin:Kevin's announcement: 'Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those who saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.'

Kevin · Darryl · Meredith · Others:The office employees mob Darryl with requests for his final hours: one-on-one lunch at Cugino's, van time listening to Zeppelin, recording his stories for '6 or 8 or 10 hours.' Kevin wants to watch an eHow video on Excel before scheduling Darryl's 12 hours in 90-minute segments.

Kevin · Angela:Kevin using his pen as a fidget toy during a confessional, explaining defensively: 'I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work.' / 'Here, use my pen.' / 'Don't tell me what to do!'

Kevin:Kevin storming off: 'And you obviously don't need me. / Kevin, where are you going? / Away. / Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment.' / 'How does it feel being ignored?'

Kevin · Phillip · Dwight:Dwight: 'That was a really cool move.' (about Phillip buying Kevin a gift card) / Kevin holding Phillip: 'What a chubbers. / I'm losing my balance. Whoa.'

Kevin:Kevin's assessment of friendship with Phillip: 'He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.'

Dwight · Kevin · Pam:Dwight fires Kevin via cake frosting that reads 'Get out'

Kevin · Dwight:'Get out'? What does that mean? / It's a colloquial way of saying you're fired, Kevin. Which you are.

Kevin · Dwight:Well, well, well, well, well. That's six 'wells'. Did I get that number right, Dwight?

Dwight · Kevin:Well... / I heard you say 'well' the first time.

Dwight · Kevin:It was nothing personal. It's just that you were terrible at your job. / You're just saying that to make me feel better. / No, really. You were terrible at math, and organization, time management, personal hygiene.

Kevin · Dwight:Is that all it was? / That's it.

Kevin:If there is one thing that I've learned through this whole experience, it's that if you film anybody long enough, they're going to do something stupid. / It's only human natural.

Kevin · Oscar:Oscar? Oscar? / I think I'm gay. / Why do you say that? / It's just that I'm so emotional. / You're not gay. You're not gay.