Kevin Malone

Jim · Kevin:A 6 on 7. / I know, I saw that. / So then why didn't you do it? / I'm saving that, cause I like it when the cards go... / Who doesn't love that?

Kevin:I have two. White and Indian.

Kevin:Kevin butchering the Chris Rock routine about black people

Kevin · Meredith:I thought your vagina was removed during you hysterectomy. A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Kevin:Someone has it.

Michael · Kevin:You a big William Hung fan? Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

Michael · Kevin:I'm going to forward it like it's hot. Yes! Old school.

Kevin:Mmmmilf.

Kevin · Michael:She wasn't that hot. Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!

Kevin · Jim:Yeah, we call it Hate Ball. Why ? Because of how much Angela hates it.

Kevin · Oscar:You play that. You should ask Toby to teach you Dunder Ball.

Pam · Jim · Kevin:I'll buy you a bag of chips. / Why are you twisting around? / French onion? / Obviously.

Kevin:Thank you for noticing.

Kevin:Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.

Michael · Kevin:Don't sleep with your boss? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?

Kevin:It's just a private friend who happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.

Kevin:Maybe I should have taken the iPod.

Kevin:Kevin's 'So where are you shipping your foot?' followed by 'Your foot' when no one laughs

Stanley · Kevin:Peach iced tea. / You're gonna hate it.

Kevin · Michael:It's grrrrape soda. / Tony the Tiger, you don't hear that much anymore.

Kevin:So this is sort of like my audition tape.

Kevin · Phyllis:Man, that thing's bigger than I am. - No, it's not. - Oh, zip it.

Oscar · Kevin:Who's it from? - My mom.

Michael · Kevin · Oscar · Phyllis · Creed · Ryan:Office football chaos with everyone demanding the ball from each other

Kevin:This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Anniston.

Michael · Kevin:Someone ate three feet of that thing? Hell, yeah.

Michael · Kevin:Kevin, respect the birthday, please? No. No, not yet.

Kevin · Michael:Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and Dacarbazine. And laughter also.

Kevin:Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know. It was a good day.

Kevin:Rattin' somebody out. Narc. Narc!

Kevin:No. 'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock. Yeah. I mean, it's inevitable.

Michael · Kevin:Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable. I accept your decision.

Kevin:We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out.

Kevin:I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.

Kevin:Kevin's story about being told his fish went to hospital in the toilet

Kevin · Kelly:How many gods do you have? Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.

Kevin · Kelly:And that blue, busty gal-- what's her story? She looks like Pam from the neck down. Pam wishes.

Michael · Kevin:I mean, look at that. Who has seen that before? I have, that's the union of the monkey. Oh, that's what they call it. This is the best meeting we have ever had.

Michael · Angela · Kevin:Isn't this fun, not wearing shoes? I wish some of us still had our shoes on. Stop it. It's a disease. I've...told you.

Kevin:These are not my shoes.

Kevin · Unnamed character:Call me. You got it, buddy.

Kevin · Pam:Hey, I hear Jim's coming back. Really? Where did you hear that?

Andy · Angela · Kevin:Angela's breast on Andy's computer screen

Kevin · Stanley:Kind of sounds like prison's better than Dunder-Mifflin. I would so rather be in prison.

Kevin:Double fudge... Angela.

Kevin:Did you try the petting zoo?

Michael · Kevin:Apparently, there is an e-mail circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rated picture of me and a woman. Jan. No, Kevin, a woman. Maybe Jan, maybe... Urgle Grue.

Kevin:This is the greatest night of my life.

Kevin:I don't have a lot of art.

Michael · Jim · Kevin · Ryan · Pam:Everyone spotting Jan and Michael's panicked 'German woman named Urgle Grue' excuse

Angela · Kevin:Is it a big deal? / Is it, Kevin? / Do you really not know? / Because it is a big deal.

Kevin · Angela:Can I join too? Never.

Kevin · Unknown guest:Hi, I'm Kevin. Where did you find her? At the gym. Right. The gym...

Kevin:This is not our first wedding. This is the third wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.

Michael · Kevin:Kevin arrives late claiming tire blowout and near-death experience, Michael immediately dismisses with 'Pop quiz'

Michael · Kevin:Early worm gets the worm. Another worm? Like, are they friends?

Kevin:Sun beating down on the mayonnaise... Just... you never know.

Kevin:It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.

Kevin:Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad. And I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny, I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise.

Kevin:If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Kevin · Creed:Long johns? / A shawl?

Kevin:Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said 'awesome' 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Kevin · Creed:Creed is eating an apple. / I found a potato.

Kevin:If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Kevin:I don't eat meat, Michael. I'm not gonna eat this.

Kelly · Michael · Kevin:Who's Bob Hope? God! He's a, he's a comedian. Oh, like Amanda Bynes. Who's Amanda Bynes? She's from What a Girl Wants. Oh, I love that movie.

Kevin · Jim:What's different about you? / You look worse.

Michael · Kevin · Angela:I already sold my condo. / Michael... / Why? / I'm sorry. That just doesn't make sense.

Kevin · Andy:Huge! Yeah, bigger actually. That's crazy! Oh, my God. Can you believe that? Unbelievable. She could put the cup right there.

Kevin · Stanley:It's only Meredith. Yeah. It's only Meredith. Thank God.

Kevin:I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J. Pam Beasley and Jim.

Kevin:Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?

Kevin:You should call it Dunder-Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together.

Kevin · Michael:Because they're lame. No! Creed, no, they are not.

Kevin · Jim · Pam:All right, I just have to ask. Now that we're public... is the magic gone? It's funny you bring that up, because yes, it is. I knew it. I now find you repulsive.

Kevin · Angela:Maybe you could just change the 'u' into an 'a'. Then it would say 'lanch' party, Kevin. Would it be better if it said 'lanch' party?

Oscar · Michael · Kevin:Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from? Pizza by Alfredo. All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza? A medium amount of good pizza.

Kevin:Oh, no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Ryan · Michael · Kevin:Ryan: 'It's whomever, not whoever.' Michael: 'No, whomever is never actually right.' Kevin: 'Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'You play the ponies, small horses.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin: 'The mob.' Michael: 'Do you know anybody in the mob?'

Angela · Kevin:Then it would say 'Lanch Party,' Kevin. Would it really be better if it said 'Lanch Party'?

Kevin:Okay, wow, easy, booster seat.

Kevin:Oh, no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Kevin:They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.

Kevin:We would like to order some good pizza from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.

Kevin:You've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old... uncle Remus.

Kevin:Pizza rolls. OK, I'm gonna go into this office here to do some work. So I will be in here. Mushroom caps.

Michael · Kevin:Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing... Mama Bear.

Kevin:My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.

Michael · Kevin:Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean is she hot, or... She's crazy hot.

Jim · Kevin:Some of us like the walk more than others. KEVIN: It hurts like hell.

Kevin:Your mom.

Kevin:Hot and juicy redhead.

Andy · Kevin:We need to assemble the F'ive F'amilies. No, not the F'ive F'amilies. We have to!

Kevin:(STAMMERING) I have things.

Kevin:If I had created a website with this many problems, I'd kill myself.

Kevin:Awesome!

Kevin:I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

Kevin:I will quit. As God is my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.

Kevin:Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Kevin · Michael:I'm taking the dumplings for my wife. / No, no, no! This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.

Kevin · Pam · Holly:Pam, you weigh 226 pounds? / Almost, Kevin. / Not almost though, Holly. I mean, not-- not close to 200.

Kevin:I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years. And eventually declare my love for her.

Holly · Angela · Kevin:No! You do not talk to him like that! / But he's an idiot! / He is not an idiot. / Thank you, Holly. / He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.

Kevin:Do you think that I'm retarded?

Kevin · Oscar:Shotgun weddings. / That's not what that is. / Fright. Being scared to death.

Kevin:Hell of an ass.

Kevin · Ryan:Shaved off my goatee. I am goatee-less. We are the goat-less brothers. / Yeah, yep!

Kevin:Come on. He's right there. He was hired.

Kevin:I thought 'very strongly agree' sounded stronger than 'totally agree.'

Kevin:I viewed Cookie Monster Sings Chocolate Rain about 1,000 times.

Kevin:What was the dilemma? To tell you or not.

Kevin · Oscar:Wait a second, how does this steak factor in again? I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash.

Stanley · Kevin:I don't care what she's doing, I hope she just keeps doing it. Amen. Just keep the ribs coming.

Kevin:Not according to the beans.

Dwight · Jim · Pam · Kevin:J-Money. Or should it be t-Money, for tuna? Receptionist-Money. K-Money.

Oscar · Kevin:Great, they stole my laptop. Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector. How does that even compare? Oscar, i'm now going to be prone to surges.

Kevin · Michael:Hi, i'm kevin. And i'll do your taxes. Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin, the tax man. Federal and state.

Kevin:I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them... at my leisure later on. Much healthier.

Kevin:I got peepers of an eagle.

Kevin:So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in?

Kevin · Dwight:Kevin refuses to attack Dwight: 'Last time, you pulled my pants down, and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.' 'False. I did choke you with your shoelace.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael's character suggestion: 'So if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.' Kevin: 'Cool. I'll try it.'

Michael · Jim · Kevin:Swedish Chef confusion: 'Oh, now do the Swedish Chef.' 'I'm not familiar. What province is he from?' 'He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.'

Andy · Erin · Kevin:Character flirtation: 'How about a threesome?' 'Yeah. My boudoir's always open.' 'Nice.'

Kevin:Financial crisis in character: 'This plantation, we're running low on greenbacks, and we're having problems paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay them.'

Michael · Kevin:new year, new candy. whoo-hoo! okay, be careful, kevin. they're kind of spicy. hot tamales. yeah. so maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more.

Kevin · Angela:oh, i'm sorry. i didn't realize i was doing something wrong. if i had, i would've admitted it and stopped right away. because i wouldn't want an innocent person who doesn't know anything about the form--

Oscar · Kevin:that was good. it just at the end, you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form. how about 'i'm sorry i did such a whorish job filling out this form.'

Kevin · Oscar · Pam:trade seats with me. no. i've got a better angle on pam. i can see everything. please stop.

Stanley · Kevin · Phyllis:Office debate about whether Hilary Swank is hot begins

Kevin · Stanley:Kevin: 'A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting.' Stanley: 'TMI.'

Jim · Kevin:Jim's elaborate Kevin fantasy scenario about Hilary Swank

Kevin:Kevin's extended silent reaction to the Hilary Swank scenario

Kevin:Kevin: 'I kept expecting a plot twist where Hilary Swank was actually a boy'

Kevin:How many is that per hour? I will divide and then count to it.

Kevin:Michael is so dumb that he tries to put his M&M's in alphabetical order.

Kevin:Two. I didn't eat lunch. I didn't eat all my lunch.

Angela · Kevin:That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady. No! Awesome. Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat, that is very bad.

Kevin · Unnamed woman:can i point something out to you? sure. you're actually talking a lot.

Kevin:i feel like a human juice box. hawaiian blood punch. type o-cean spray.

Kevin:Kevin fainting after looking at the blood bag

Kevin:i was so nervous about this i don't think i ate for three days.

Kevin:i can untie any knot. i'm serious. name a knot,any knot. go ahead. you shouldn't believe everything you hear. in fact,there are many knots that i cannot untie.

Kevin:no,i- i mean,before i left her. she left me.

Kevin · Lynn:seriously. feel how sweaty my hand is. that's really sweaty.

Michael · Kevin:Kevin has no sexual history. Hey!

Kevin:Kevin asking for overtime after Charles just said no overtime

Kevin · Pam:Soon could mean anything. Soon could be three weeks. Is that what soon means to you? Sometimes. Then come back soon.

Charles · Kevin · Stanley:Phones? Also, there's been way too much wasting time. So, Stanley? Yes? Yeah, I want you on top of that. Okay, I want you to be my productivity czar.

Kevin · Dwight:You are never going to find them. Really? I'm going to enjoy this. Give me the leads! Where are my leads? Give me the leads! I'm still enjoying it! Where are they? They're in the trash

Michael · Kevin:What day is today? Tonight is Ghost Whisperer, so Friday. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No, no, no!

Kevin:you have to stop.

Andy · Kevin:When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back. Well, so what? Your body's a 10.

Michael · Angela · Kevin:Kevin, stay. Kevin, come. Kevin, stay. Kevin, come! Stay, stay. Come on, right now. Cookie, Kevin. Cookie.

Kevin:I wanted a cookie.

Kevin · Andy:There's girls in there. Where? The other room. Down the hall. There's girls in there? What'd I just say? You get me my sandwich? Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls!

Kevin:Are... you... blind? Can you see things with your eyeballs?

Kevin:Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me working me with controls?

Kevin:Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought, oh, she has a new bra with padding. But then I thought, Pam doesn't need padding

Kevin:So jealous of your boobs.

Dwight · Kevin:Come on... Tick. Let's get him... Tock. Let's get Jim! Tick. And drag Jim out of his office... Tock. Take his keys away from him. Tick... That's a clock.

Kevin:What does a bean mean?

Kevin · Jim · Dwight · Andy:So you're gonna provide them, then? - No, this is a firecracker-free wedding. - What the hell? - You've got to be kidding me.

Kevin:Kevin's new haircut reveal and immediate regret

Kevin:Kevin's hair transformation talking head: 'It's the hair.'

Penny · Kevin · Oscar:Penny mistaking Kevin for Pam's boyfriend, Kevin's outraged reaction

Kevin:You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?

Kevin · Hotel worker:Kevin's shoes being incinerated due to smell

Kevin:I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number.

Kevin:My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man, my dogs are barking. My feet were so sweaty, I can't even feel the cold.

Ryan · Kevin:John Gotti, you idiot. It's a completely different name. What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti?

Kevin:I had to tell the hotel that it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, because you told me that your dad had a bad heart.

Kevin:I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.

Oscar · Kevin:My mother's in a wheelchair. Well, he could still...

Kevin:This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel.

Phyllis · Kevin:Enjoying your nut? Why? I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about her... Nut.

Kevin · Dwight:No way. Last time, you pulled my pants down, and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace. / False. I did choke you with your shoelace.

Kevin · Oscar · Kevin:Oh, now do the swedish chef. / Uh, i'm not familiar. What province is he from? / He lives on sesame street, dumbass.

Kevin:Hate to break it to you, oscar, but some of us like boobs.

Kevin:Calves, calves all the way.

Kevin:How is he gonna have grandkids?

Kevin · Kevin:Oh, really, from what, two to four? - yep.

Kevin:This is kevin malone. Is david there?

Kevin:Tell him I'm mad at Jim, 'cause he's asking us to give money to Pam.

Kevin · Angela:Why would you start so high? - 27... - 3, 2, 1... - 26...

Ryan · Kevin · Pam:Why would you wrap it in a sheet If you're not covering anything up? - Is--is it fake? - Pam. - Yes! We are unveiling an artificial tree.

Pam · Kelly · Kevin:I think my water just broke. - That's too funny. - Oscar and the warehouse guy. - Go, oscar! Go, gay warehouse guy!

Kevin · Michael:Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap. - Oh, I am so sorry that phyllis hates you And hates your body.

Kevin · Michael:Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before. - [wheezily] all right, just say some toys, please.

Kevin · Michael:Can you give me some choices? 'cause I really don't wanna mess up on this list. - [quietly] damn it, kevin. Come on. - What about if I tell you the things I don't want?

Michael · Kevin:After you almost killed me? - Michael, I had you. I just wanna try phyllis.

Andy · Kevin:Beep beep! / Beep beep! / 20 people dead in a pileup. There's blood everywhere!

Kevin:No, we know. Texas.

Kevin:Have you tried making everything smaller?

Kevin:Last night I had edward's cornflake chicken.

Kevin:Not all meals, just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.

Kevin:if your baby's born tomorrow, He's gonna have the same birthday as buttmud brooks, My old roommate.

Kevin:Stick spicy food up her butt.

Kevin:We have ratatouille from ratatouille and tandoori chicken from born into brothels.

Michael · Kevin:Do you really think that you could have dated erin? You said she liked me. Okay, even if someone told you that, You should know that that could never be possible, kevin.

Kevin:Oh, jo, I have an idea for suntan lotion soap.

Dwight · Kevin · Meredith · Jim:Where are they? They're in the trash. They're in the trash. the trash. It's code. All right, meredith. Take off your dress. Okey-dokey. No. Dear god, no. It's in the trash can.

Kevin:If we don't patronize The only syrian restaurant in town, There'll be nothing left but pan pizzas And, you know... Make your own salads.

Kevin:Tonight is ghost whisperer... So Friday.

Kevin:Well, when a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-whats fill up with you know what, and then her shirt gets, you know... That would be funny.

Kevin:Wait, I'm sitting on them. This is awesome.

Kevin:What's the difference between a chimichanga, a chalupa and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.

Kevin:Wait, this isn't funny. I don't talk like that.

Unknown · Kevin:Say, 'Me eat cookie.' No. I won't say it.

Kevin:Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.

Kevin:But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.

Kevin:And it really makes me self-conscious about my voice. That's awful. I'm not crying.

Kevin:Or cookies!

Kevin:But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers. You're an accountant, too, so it doesn't...

Kevin:Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch? That would have been funny.

Kevin:You ever notice you can only ooze two things: sexuality and pus.

Kevin · Angela:Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together to make them look bigger. Like that?

Jim · Kevin:Well, why don't you just move the m&ms? Well, why don't you shut up!

Michael · Kevin:Was it the cleavage? Yeah, and the shoulder cutouts.

Dwight · Kevin:I think we all can agree that it's either Gabe or Angela. It's Angela. Get her, boys.

Angela · Kevin:From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack. Well, what if you're cold? Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin.

Luke · Kevin:Soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream? Or enough for everyone? No, man. There was no list. But I got bagel chips.

Kevin:America's one big mall

Kevin:Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.

Kevin:His ass was on that seat? All right!

Andy · Kevin:Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into weightwatchers.com. If you don't enter them immediately, you forget.

Andy · Kevin:How much? 60 bucks a session. That's crazy money. I'll take 40.

Kevin · Cameraman · Kevin:Hey! That's my mug. You know this isn't real TV, right? Yes.

Kevin · Andy:He's like a better-looking Andy. Thanks, Kevin.

Andy · Kevin:Couldn't get Out of bed today, Wish the alarm clock Would go away

Kevin:I got a closet full of mes

Andy · Kevin:Bullfrog in love song with ribbit sound effects

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin saying he looks like Michael Moore as his costume statement

Andy · Kevin · Danny:Andy and Kevin telling Danny that Jim and Pam begged them not to go

Kevin · Gabe · Michael:Kevin and Gabe discussing extremes of human physique

Kevin · Gabe · Michael:Kevin teaching Gabe Lady Gaga robot power-down move

Kevin · Creed:Oh, no, it's just that, if a vampire had to cough, He would do it like this. Right, And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is In Transylvania? 'cause of the euro.

Kevin:Who takes a kid to Mexico? I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are.

Kevin:What if the moon was your car And Jupiter was your hair brush?

Pam · Kevin:Stop that tiny, blonde woman! She stole my baby! What are you doing? Give me that baby. What? Kevin!

Kevin · Michael:No, he's not the boss. Why did you just say he was the boss? 'Cause you're the boss.

Gabe · Kevin:Imagine one instant of a song expanded to be the size of the universe. I can't even do that.

Kevin:And I'd blow your mind.

Kevin:I just ate an entire seahorse. I have to admit, I did not think it was gonna work, but it's totally working. I feel exactly like a seahorse.

Kevin:I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket in a blanket.

Kevin:How much? I don't know. It's powdered, so... Like, four or five, I don't know.

Kevin:That's so beautiful.

Kevin:I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said, 'dunh-duh-na-dah!' I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.

Kevin:Dunh-duh-nah-dah! Still zero.

Kevin:An antacid that you only take once a week.

Kevin · Pam:I wish for a million wishes. Yeah, no, I'm not a genie. Then see you later, building.

Kevin · others:Hello Kitty's for girls. Nashua got mp3 players. Yeah, I don't even have a laptop.

Kevin:My resolution is 'Meet a loose woman.'

Andy · Kevin:Why did we pretend like we work here? Is that what we were doing? I don't know...

Darryl · Kevin:What'd you get? A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

Michael · Kevin:Why are you eating stem first? This is a new food for me. How else should I eat it?

Kevin · Michael:Can I get some Cheez Whiz? Or Hollandaise? No, no. No Cheez Whiz, no Hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it.

Kevin · Michael:Can I get some candy or something? No, you can't have any candy!

Kevin:It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.

Kevin:Okay, Michael, no offense. But you need to get your own life.

Kevin · Creed:I don't think I'm there yet, boss. Well, I am.

Kevin · Ryan:How's your fart project coming? That's real, real classy, Kevin.

Kevin:His name is Andy. And he roller skates like a Greek God. And you know what? I kind of like hanging out with him.

Kevin:Learn to cook for one.

Kevin:No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

Kevin:My resolution is 'Meet a loose woman.'

Kevin · Bookstore Employee:They could put us out of business, you know? Heard those machines hold, like, 10 books at once. Actually, it's 10,000. Holy (BLEEP). What?

Kevin:So light. Like a croissant.

Kevin:This is a new food for me. How else should I eat it?

Kevin:Can I get some Cheez Whiz? Or Hollandaise?

Kevin:I don't think I'm there yet, boss.

Kevin:How's your fart project coming?

Kevin:Kevin as Jim in alternate timeline where Jim never met Pam

Kevin:Kevin's speech timing - long awkward pause counting '4, 5'

Kevin:Kevin's motivational speech: 'Dream big... And then double it!'

Kevin:Kevin's winner visualization ending with 'Get out of the way'

Kevin:'I'm a suck, suck, suckity Sabre.' Booya!

Kevin:'Darn it, Bob, I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.'

Kevin:'I'm Gabe, and I'm a weirdo.'

Kevin:'Gabe's mom. Hmm, Gabe's mom? Wait, tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her.'

Kevin:I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny.

Kevin · Unknown:With who? She goes to another school.

Holly · Kevin:Make that face he likes. Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces.

Holly · Kevin:Do a monkey face. Do a monkey face. (Kevin making monkey sounds) Throw your poop. Hurl your feces.

Todd Packer · Kevin:Since when did you learn how to read? I do know how to read, though. Yeah. You know how to read a menu.

Todd Packer · Kevin:I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier. Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show.

Kevin:Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over, and you're like, 'hey, baby, let me light a candle,' and you pull out this one. Half used. He's like, 'who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.'

Kevin · others:I'm gon' play me a little old blackmail card... Nice. And call a proxy meeting and take control of ewing oil once and for all. No, you can't do that.

Kevin · others:And I'm gonna play this here 'share the wealth' card. Which entitles me to half of both of you all's money. No, this card is from the wrong game. This is from the game of life. It was in the box. Well played.

Kevin · Jim · Phyllis:And that is dallas. Nice. Not bad, right? I can't really tell. I know, right? What the Oh, my god. That It is, right? I mean, it's impossible.

Kevin:Nope, it's not Ashton Kutcher. It's Kevin Malone. Equally handsome, equally smart.

Kevin · Deangelo:Hey, Deangelo, what do you think about bald people? I hate them.

Kevin:If he can lose all that weight, then I can wear fake hair.

Kevin:I love banter. But I hate witty banter.

Kevin · Michael:Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now. Don't be. You should never settle for who you are.

Oscar · Kevin:It's not supposed to shred magazines, Kevin. I know. Did you break the shredder, Kevin? No.

Kevin:Why did I just do that? This is not even that good. I don't even want it. I had cake for lunch.

Kevin:But I could see how some people might think that they're bad.

Deangelo · Kevin:That is a... An astute observation, Kevin. Kev's got me pegged.

Kevin:Did you get that, ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is in the inner circle, which doesn't exist.

Kevin:He didn't drop a single ball.

Jim · Deangelo · Kevin:Oh, like, nobody, it was... Pam? Was it Pam? Oh, my gosh. That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Kevin, she can get really bitchy.

Kevin:Like the French Revolution or The Black Panthers or communism.

Kevin:God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion.

Kevin:Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything.

Kevin:You're gonna love it. It's Beyonce falling with a fart mixed in.

Kevin · Dwight:KEVIN: I don't feel anything. DWIGHT: It's wet. Push harder, Dwight. I can't. I can't push harder.

Kevin:But don't eat it.

Andy · Kevin:This has got to stop. - I can't get down. Ke-- Kevin!

Kevin:Look! It's, uh, little pregs and big pregs.

Jim · Kevin:We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. I can see him right there. We do! - I promise you, we don't need-- - Warning! Warning! Warning! Warning!

Kevin · Toby:The thing that I like about elmo is the tickling. - I should not be here. I'm in the-- I was in the wrong-- I'm...I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I-I was never here.

Robert · Dwight · Kevin:I guess I think they're losers. - Ah, I knew it. Yes! - Probably shouldn't have said that. - Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Kevin:'Suck it, losers.'

Kevin:Kevin suddenly speaking in caveman-like broken English: 'Me doing now! Go. Stop worry.'

Kevin:Kevin's physical description: 'Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.'

Kevin:Kevin's mechanic analogy: 'Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say, "car no go," and we best friends.'

Kevin:Kevin's philosophy: 'Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?'

Kevin:Kevin's response: 'Sometimes, words you no need use but need-need for talk-talk.'

Kevin:Kevin's time philosophy: 'Many small time make big time.'

Kevin:Kevin's life goal: 'See world.'

Kevin:Kevin's clarification: 'See world. Oceans, fish, jump. China.'

Kevin:Kevin's presidential ambition: 'When me president, they see. They see.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin quoting Andy calling his ex-wife a [bleep] and saying he [bleep] hated her guts

Kevin:Obviously, I wouldn't come in till noon. And I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do. I mean, I'm getting paid $1 a year, okay? You can chill.

Kevin:Well, guess what? I will not do a good job.

Angela · Kevin:Everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it. You came in at 10:30 today, right?

Kevin:When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen.

Kevin · Dwight · Jim:So sadly, it's the best idea on the table. Exactly. Hey, I think we're ready to get this... Jim? Is he okay? He'll be fine.

Kevin · Jim:Tell them why it's called señor Loadenstein. Doesn't matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein, that's stupid. Tell them why it's called that, Jim.

Kevin:Yeah, whoa, who's the sausage?

Kevin · Dwight:This is not funny, man. Let me down. I think this thing is broken. It's not broken, Kevin. This is how it works.

Kevin · Bert:You wanna attack, or let them come to us. Your call, B. / Unleash the hell storm. / Nice. / Got him. Go!

Kevin:When the stake are this high, there's only one computer that I trust, and it's powered by thai food and spanish reds.

Dwight · Kevin:Can you tell me now where paper comes from? Uh...The man tree puts his penis--

Kevin:Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and...Your breasts are enormous. That can help us.

Pam · Kevin:That's too much doodle and not enough lab. Yeah, when are they gonna do a labradoodle that's just lab?

Kevin:There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment. Oh! There's one mistake.

Darryl · Kevin:It's not a race. Thirrr-- Third.

Kevin:Uh...The man tree puts his penis--

Kevin:Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and...Your breasts are enormous. That can help us.

Kevin · Dwight:What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.

Kevin · Pam:Oh, Pam, you got something on your shirt. Oh! Oh, well. Pobody's nerfect, right?

Kevin:Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's nobody's perfect. Nice stroke, Pam.

Kevin:Isn't it supposed to be drive safely?

Kevin:Ooh. Isn't the the one where the guy becomes Limitless?

Kevin:Raw fish-- The disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now we can't get enough of it.

Kevin:Origami. It's the Sushi of paper.

Kevin:I don't see it.

Kevin:Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A1 spot? They do that 'cause they think a-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D4.

Kevin:'Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies-- Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... Like, forget it.

Kevin:How about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top, and they use legal.

Kevin:Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandie. Lorna Doone. Madeleine. Oh, they'll just break your heart.

Kevin:It was just actually cookies the whole time.

Kevin:We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom. Who's spotting who?

Dwight · Kevin:Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym

Dwight · Kevin:I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James... It's Lejon Brames

Dwight · Kevin:You're nothing! You're so weak! You call yourself a man? This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy

Kevin · Dwight:To look good for Val... Val Kilmer? I don't buy it that doesn't make any sense

Oscar · Kevin:You really have to say 'oh yeah,' every time you eat a candy bar? / I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. / Oh, yeah.

Kevin:You can write a book about chairs.

Andy · Kevin:So make that error! / I can make that error.

Kevin · Erin:What? / I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl.

Kevin:I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the 'grumpies' in here

Kevin:Like some sort of last hurrah? Yeah. All of us in the pool saying hurrah. Maybe the last one that says hurrah is 'it.'

Kevin · Oscar:Hey, Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me? That was you, Kevin. It was me

Kevin:I've been working out but the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath and that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage

Kevin · Angela:Does Darryl not swim? That's racist. I don't know but I would say by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim

Kevin:Is it black? Because that would be hilarious

Kevin:A little bit. Yeah. Right, guys? Back me up

Kevin:Yeah, Oscar's the dad I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom

Kevin:Philip is so fat

Kevin:You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar You didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby

Kevin:He's more than substantial He's a monster

Kevin:I'm going to call him Little Kevin

Kevin:Is he really five pounds? Because I squat with five pounds... Yeah, this feels like more than that

Kevin:The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate

Unknown · Kevin:'Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts'

Kevin:'Extremely, but I'm going to fight through it' - Kevin's response to being allergic to walnuts

Kevin:'Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape'

Stanley · Kevin:'You're trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson? Hey Okay, it's obvious that Andy picked the people that are least important to the office'

Kevin:'Because I feel like that I am in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again You know, just sitting watching, enjoying the sport Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch'

Kevin:Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? Hey, guys look at me, I'm huge

Kevin:But when the sun came up I knew it wasn't real because she was ugly and I had grown tired of her Reception today but tomorrow you won't want to do her She's a dog

Kevin · Office workers:- Paid. - I'm dying! - Processed. - And delivered.

Kevin:Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.

Kevin:Why don't we split the order? It's only fair. No, wait, no. I'm buying, I make the rules. I actually do want you to fight over me. I wanna be wined and dined and... sixty-nined.

Kevin · Oscar:Metaphorically sixty-nined. Ew! Perverts. No offense, Oscar.

Kevin:What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man.

Kevin:If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model.

Kevin · Darryl · Toby:50? Hungrier. You're not talking... Triple digits. Oh, yeah, I'm talking triple digits.

Kevin · Darryl · Toby:Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day. I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens. Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.

Kevin:I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, 'Look, a balloon.'

Kevin:Hot tub party?

Kevin · Others:Come on, Jim, you're killing her. We believe!

Kevin:'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.

Kevin:Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity.

Nellie · Kevin · Angela:Are there a lot of Irish people living around here? Yes. Yes. Ugh! I hate that! No offense.

Kevin · Jim · Pam:How 'bout we go with Pam? 'Cause there's someone already here named Pam. Hey!

Kevin:This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert.

Kevin:She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets.

Kevin:What happened to Old Salty? Nellie let me bobblize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.

Kevin:I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man, and make love as a mermaid.

Kevin:Most of my writing involves the latter.

Kevin:Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.

Kevin:He does not like that wall.

Kevin:Life is Downton Abbey.

Kevin:What's another food that we like? Tacos.

Kevin:Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the times. Every of the time.

Kevin:Doesn't really poop. It's perfect. Nothing to pick up.

Kevin:I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.

Kevin:She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath. I'm afraid that she'll drown.

Kevin:Man, that stinks.

Kevin:I ran over a turtle in the parking lot. But then I saved him by gluing his shell back together.

Kevin:But I'm not that good at puzzles.

Kevin:I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time.

Kevin:But it turned out the turtle was already dead. Probably when I ran over him the first time.

Kevin:Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin.

Kevin:I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!

Kevin:I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and Help Build Gnomes.

Unknown character · Kevin · Unknown character:What is the craziest place you ever made whoopee? Language. Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?

Kevin:Well, somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.

Kevin:Hey, boss. I am so thirsty, can I have a scoop of water?

Kevin · Others:Kevin getting stuck and the 'Lose weight!' 'I'm trying, sorry' exchange

Kevin:Kevin's shabooya: 'My name is Kevin / That is my name / They call me Kevin / 'Cause that's my name'

Kevin:Kevin suddenly doing complex pie math in his head vs struggling with simple salad math

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin trying to provoke Oscar into a pie fight: 'You don't have the guts, you stupid, dumb do-do face'

Kevin:What lab did these little clones escape from?

Toby · Oscar · Kevin:I'm Sexy Toby. Gross. I love it.

Kevin:I don't know what that means.

Kevin:She could get, like, 60 packages of ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month.

Kevin:Oh, really, Angela? That's interesting. Because I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you all the... Ya! I have to go to the bathroom!

Oscar · Kevin:he just wanted a little Mexican brought in. I can't! It's too much! Please stop.

Kevin:Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.

Kevin:'Cause then I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.

Kevin · Unknown:A few years ago, when I was on the jury, the Scranton Strangler? Sure. I always thought he might have been set up, but I felt pressured to convict. Well, that's got to be tough. Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.

Kevin:Oscar is having sex with the Senator and Angela doesn't even know. Her life is a complete sham!

Kevin:Hey, remember that week in the '90s when we got bagels?

Kevin:I miss Clinton.

Kevin:You're not getting this, Peter. Make it go wider, up.

Kevin · Pete:He's a sweet kid, Darryl, but not the sharpest guy in the drawer. Kevin, I can hear you.

Kevin:This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote, 'sausage factory.'

Kevin · Darryl:All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex. Actually that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm going to let them think the other thing.

Kevin · Others:Kevin! What did I say? What did I just say?

Kevin:You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.

Kevin:Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert. For insulting a client's recently deceased mother. A woman who struggled with obesity all her life.

Kevin:hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy

Kevin:Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight.

Kevin:Jim, that guy. You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy... what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? It's awful.

Kevin:Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing.

Kevin:The only thing that got me through mine was large amounts of Shepherd's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.

Kevin:This won't help him. It's a muffin, not cake.

Kevin:what would you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally, forever.

Kevin:Well, I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.

Kevin · Oscar:Potato? Oh, no. Kevin, it's not a joke.

Kevin · Dwight:Oh, it's when you get a free sandwich after you've already eaten 10 sandwiches. Not even close.

Kevin:Can we just say Pete, 'cause that's the guy that Erin's flirting with?

Kevin:Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart. And a little bit your penis.

Kevin:Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping $8 to Lipton For America to have an invitation...

Kevin · Pam:They used worse paint than your paint? I don't think so. But they put paint where I didn't want paint. So... I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing. Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint.

Kevin · Robert:Kevin, great to see you. Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck. I beg your pardon? You're, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you, and you're just using them.

Kevin:So, I guess it's good-bye, chunky lemon milk.

Kevin · Andy:Kevin's booger observation and Andy's response: 'My whole life is a booger bubble.'

Clark · Kevin · Others:Clark stuck upside-down asking for help while everyone ignores him

Kevin:I never forget a number. Names, in one ear and out the other. Places, nope. Faces, that's rich. But numbers... I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.

Andy · Kevin:Yeah, I didn't see you last night at all. Nope, I did not see you either.

Kevin:You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes, and everything changes.

Kevin:Oh! I always thought we were, like, specimens in a human zoo.

Kevin:I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.

Phyllis · Kevin:Oscar is with the senator too? / Yes! And I knew it the whole time.

Kevin:I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn't know, you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. But I knew!

Kevin:Kevin, did you make that yourself? Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist.

Kevin:I can't. I love them all too much. And none of them fly. So that makes it harder.

Kevin:Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.

Oscar · Kevin:Our question is... it seems dumb.

Kevin:But what if you were to stay here, you know, and 'full-ass' it?

Kevin:And here, I've been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin' sheep.

Kevin:Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat-shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's.

Kevin:Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says 'bold front' instead of 'cold front'? It's insane!

Kevin:I hate Phillip.

Kevin:Did we ever have lunch together, just the two of us? You know what? I'm going to make reservations right now at Cugino's.

Angela · Kevin:Kevin, could you not do that? What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work. Here, use my pen. Don't tell me what to do!

Kevin:Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true!

Kevin · Jim · Pam:What a chubbers. Whoa... Okay, hey. I'm losing my balance. Okay, Kevin, no. No. No horseplay. You want to play with the cactus? No! No!

Kevin:He's a little stand-offish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.

Kevin · Dwight:Get out? What does that mean? / It's a colloquial way of saying you're fired, Kevin.

Kevin:I have six roommates, which are better than friends, you know, because they have to give you one month's notice before they leave.

Kevin:Hey-o!

Kevin:That's six 'wells'. Did I get that number right, Dwight?

Dwight · Kevin:I heard you bought a bar, Kevin. / Yes, I did. This one. / Now, get out.

Kevin:Yeah, people hate you.

Kevin:But seriously, you made a nine-year documentary and you couldn't once show me doing my origami?

Kevin · Oscar:I think I'm gay. / Why do you say that? / It's just that I'm so emotional. / You're not gay. You're not gay.