Andys Ancestry

Dwight:Wait, who are you? You're not Jim.

Asian Jim:I am Jim Halpert.

Dwight:No, you're not. Jim is...

Jim:Dwight, meet Asian Jim. I hired him to prove a point.

Dwight:I don't understand. Why would you—

Jim:Hats off to you for not seeing race.

Dwight:What is the password to the sales database?

Asian Jim:It's your mother's maiden name followed by your first car.

Dwight:That's... correct. But anyone could know that.

Asian Jim:Your desk drawer has a hidden compartment behind the false bottom. You keep a gun there. And a half-eaten cheesecake from 1997.

Dwight:How did you—

Asian Jim:You talk in your sleep. And I've been in your dreams.

Pam:Hey babe, how was your day?

Asian Jim:Good, honey.

Dwight:What is happening right now?

Pam:What do you mean? I'm just asking my husband about his day.

Dwight:But... Jim is right there.

Pam:I know. This is Jim.

Dwight:No, that's not—

Asian Jim:Dwight, why are you being so weird about this?

Dwight:What? How is this possible? There's two of you!

Jim:Surprise!

Asian Jim:We've been pranking you all morning.

Dwight:This is... this is impossible. My mind... I can't... there's TWO Jims.

Darryl:I've been life hacking. You know, little tricks to save time throughout the day.

Darryl:For instance, I used to spend 45 minutes every morning deciding what to wear. Now I just wear the same thing every day.

Darryl:Saves me almost an hour a day.

Darryl:Which I then spend explaining to people how I saved the time.

Darryl:We need to have a conversation about the individual whose performance metrics have become... suboptimal. This person of unspecified gender and indeterminate background has been circling the drain, so to speak. We should synergize a paradigm shift in their deliverables, or else they'll be transitioned out of our human resources ecosystem.

Erin:I'm learning French! It's useful if you ever need to, like, break up with someone in a really mean way, but make it sound romantic.

Dwight:I fast-forward through all the nudity to get to the violence. Finally, a show that gets its priorities straight.

Andy:Hey Nellie, can you come in here for a second?

Andy:I need you to come sit on my face.

Jim:I can't do lunch today. I have... soup plans.

Dwight:Michelle Obama wants to wipe out fat children.

Erin:What is the best war to do?

Nate:We figured if we act real excited about Andy being manager, he'll think we like him and go easier on us.

Gabe:It's a calculated risk, but the warehouse guys are all in on it.

Nate:Yeah, we're gonna lay it on thick. Real thick.

Gabe:We started fake enthusiasm as a strategy.

Nate:Now we've gaslit ourselves into genuine enthusiasm.

Gabe:We've lost track of reality.

Darryl:That's cool, man.

Andy:Did you hear that, everyone? Darryl thinks it's cool! He said it's cool! That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I'm going to tell my therapist. I'm going to frame that. 'That's cool, man.' Those are the words of a man who cares deeply.

Kevin:Andy would be the worst slave ever. He'd be like, 'Hey guys, a cappella!'

Dwight:I've completed extensive genealogical research tracing my family lineage back seven generations.

Jim:Wow, Dwight, that's impressive. How did you manage that?

Dwight:I used the internet.

Jim:Really? Which genealogy sites?

Dwight:I googled 'Schrute family tree' and printed out the first image I found. I have no idea how to use a computer.

Andy:Yo, Darryl, what's good? I'm trying to connect with you about the African American experience, you feel me? That's real talk, for real for real.

Darryl:Andy, no.

Andy:Nah, nah, I'm serious. I'm down with the struggle, homie. We're like brothers, yo. I respect the culture, fo' shizzle.

Pam:I painted a mural of animals in tuxedos.

Angela:Why are they wearing clothes?

Pam:Because they look fancy.

Angela:Animals shouldn't wear clothes. It's unnatural.

Dwight:Don't worry about it, Andy. In Dothraki, the language of Game of Thrones, there's a word of great respect for slave owners.

Andy:That's... that's not helping.

Dwight:Well, it should be.

Dwight:I've been studying Dothraki. It's a constructed language with over 3,000 words.

Jim:That's cool, Dwight. Really cool.

Dwight:I can speak entire sentences now.

Jim:I believe you.

Dwight:False. Klingon is taught at over 200 universities. It's a legitimate academic pursuit.

Jim:Dwight, Klingon isn't real.

Dwight:Neither is a degree in philosophy, but people get those all the time.

Kevin:Andy, can I get a scoop of water?

Andy:A scoop of water?

Kevin:Yeah, you know, like a scoop.

Andy:My ringtone was changed to Ladysmith Black Mambazo, but I keep saying it as African-American Mombazo.

Nellie:I'm actually related to Tonya Harding.

Nellie:Just kidding, I was practicing lying.

Nellie:You're being a total Nixon.

Dwight:What does that mean?

Nelly:Well, Nixon was very attractive to women, wasn't he?

Pam:Jim loves me too much to cheat.

Nellie:That's not confidence, that's cockiness.

Kevin:Does The Rock have any connection to John Wayne?

Dwight:The Rock's real name is Dwayne Johnson, not John Wayne. They are completely different people. The Rock is a modern action star, while John Wayne was a classic Western actor who died in 1979. There is no connection whatsoever.

Dwight:My grandfather was not a Nazi. He was a member of the SS.

Dwight:I was joking. I love seeing you all react like that.

Andy:Oh thank God, we didn't own slaves.

Andy:We were just amoral middlemen in the slave trade. That's so much better.

Andy:I was beaten... at croquet. By my father. Every single weekend.

Nellie:Pam, I have a special project for you. I need you to paint a mural in the conference room.

Pam:A mural? I'm not really a muralist.

Nellie:Nonsense! You are Scranton's most dangerous young muralist.

Nellie:Wait, you're having an affair? Jim, I'm shocked and deeply disappointed in you.

Nellie:You know what? I'm going to replace you. And I'm going to find someone who is taller, better looking, and has a more decisive handshake.

Jim:Pam, I need to tell you something. I've been keeping a secret all day.

Pam:Jim, what is it? You're scaring me.

Jim:I got offered a job. In Philadelphia. At Athlead—I mean, the new company.

Pam:Philadelphia? Jim, that's... that's amazing! Yes, of course you should take it!

Jim:Really? You're not upset?

Pam:Why would I be upset? This is what you've been working toward!

Jim:I know, I just... I thought you'd want to stay here, in Scranton, and—

Pam:Jim, what is this? I found this in your desk drawer.

Jim:Oh, that's... that's nothing.

Pam:It's a driving lesson plan? For me? You've been planning to teach me how to drive better?

Jim:Yeah, I wanted to surprise you. After that fender bender last week—

Pam:That was NOT a fender bender! And you know what? This is actually really sweet. I thought you were hiding something terrible.