Nellie Bertram

Nellie:Nellie's calculated schedule: 50 minutes for Jim to style his hair, 40 minutes for Erin to get between her room and the lobby, 90 minutes for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy

Nellie:Nellie confessional: 'I don't have kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. And then I thought of something...' [cut to Dwight covered in shaving cream or prank]

Nellie · Ryan:Nellie announces seat assignments: 'Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.'

Todd Packer · Nellie · Unknown:Packer whispers to a colleague: 'Say, "So who's leading this thing anyway?"' The colleague asks it. Nellie: '"Him" you said? Don't think a woman can be a leader?'

Nellie:Nellie's introductory speech: 'Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful, huge whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint. But my huge whopping penis is right here and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts and start looking at my penis.'

Nellie:Nellie explains her origin story: 'I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought 11 pianos. Then I realized: what if Sabre had a store?'

Nellie · Dwight · Ryan:Ryan asks about the store concept. Nellie: 'Probably going to look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right?' ...Ryan: 'What do you think it should look like?' Nellie: 'It might be fun if each store had a different theme — beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.' Dwight: 'No. Not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.' Nellie: 'Well, that was just one idea.' Dwight: 'Oh, no, it does. It has to be winter, and I reject it.'

Nellie:Nellie about her own design: 'So I drew up a design concept — probably going to be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you can laugh at it.'

Nellie · Jim · Dwight:Nellie: 'Jim, you're a big tall man. You'd be hilarious trying to do it like a little boy.' Jim awkwardly lowers the screen. Dwight: 'Something done right, ask Dwight.' 'Right, Dwight. Right, Dwight. Right, Dwight.' 'Sorry. Now you'll never be able to get that out of your head.'

Nellie · Dwight:Nellie: 'There is no name listed [for VP].' Dwight on the phone with 911 dispatcher: 'Sir? Where should we send the ambulance?' Dwight: 'Send it to the freaking moon, idiot!'

Nellie:Nellie pitches a human pyramid team-building exercise. 'You love it. Who's in? Tallahassee, let's go!'

Nellie:Nellie: 'I figure if we keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country... bacon-wrapped dates on deck.'

Dwight · Jim · Nellie:Nellie holds up a slide titled 'Anderson's Three Pillars of Retail.' Dwight: 'Crucial. So important.' Then the pillars are revealed as nonsense rhyming pairs: Convenience/Ingredients, Service/Burgers, Building Loyalty/Killing Royalty.

Dwight · Nellie:Nellie: 'What are the Three Pillars of Retail?' Dwight: 'Convenience. Ingredients. Service. Burgers. Building loyalty. Killing royalty.' Then: 'But truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's Three Pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia.'

Nellie · Dwight:What are the Three Pillars of Retail? Convenience — Ingredients. Service — Burgers. Building loyalty — Killing royalty.

Nellie · Dwight:Nellie: 'Where there's a will, there's a way.' Then: 'A passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier.' Dwight: 'How did I pull that off?' Nellie: 'Sheer force of will.'

Jim · Dwight · Nellie:Nellie: 'That is very good, Dwight.' Dwight thanks her. Then Jim: 'You are bleeding through your shirt.' Dwight: 'Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face.'

Nellie:Nellie introduces Wally Amos (Famous Amos): 'He turned an idea into a store into hundreds of stores... of Famous Amos cookies.'

Nellie · Dwight:Nellie to Dwight: 'Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts.' Dwight: 'Okay. Seven, one, one, nine...' Nellie: 'No, no, no. Not numbers, no.' Dwight: 'Try again.' [pause] 'Ugh, I'm still getting numbers. Seven, one, one — Is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven, one, one? 'Cause please stop, okay?'

Dwight · Nellie:Nellie: 'Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time.' Dwight: '[Gasps] Wait, the numbers!' Nellie: 'Mm-hmm.' Dwight: 'Oh. Mm-hmm. There you go. I will see you in seven—' Nellie: 'Seven minutes.'

Stanley · Unknown · Nellie:'Second best bananas foster I've ever had.' 'Oh, yeah? What's the first best?' [knock on door, it's Nellie] 'Dwight?' [lights go off]

Nellie · Stanley · Unknown:Nellie: 'Dwight?' [knocking] 'Hello? Dwight...' 'I can see the lights under your door.' [lights go off] 'Hello?' 'Look, the light went off.' 'Just as I said the light went on.' 'Dwight?' [long pause] 'Oh, Dwight!'

Nellie:Nellie claims she was born in Basildon and 'until the age of 32, I talked like this' then does a thick working-class accent: 'which was bloody horrendous, innit?'

Nellie · Unknown staff member:Nellie's escalating list of what's 'lower than dirt': 'Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core'

Nellie:Nellie: 'I hit rock bottom. When I auditioned for the Spice Girls, I didn't even get a callback.'

Nellie · Unknown:Someone asks 'Which Spice Girl?' and Nellie answers 'The black one. I never stood a chance.'

Nellie · Dwight:Nellie delivers the news to Dwight: 'Okay, I will be the first to admit it — we could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation. Dwight. You're the Vice President.'

Nellie:Nellie critiques the egg sandwich: 'Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?'

Nellie:Nellie on the Harry Houdini Museum: 'What a nobody. Oh, look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine.'

Nellie:Nellie's talking head: 'I have one simple philosophy in business: If the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a Formula One car.'

Nellie:Follow-up talking head: 'The three slowest laps ever recorded.'

Nellie · Robert California:Nellie: 'We have a manager.' / Nellie: 'Do you really? Because it is 10:00, I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.'

Nellie · Kevin:Nellie attempts to intuit Kevin's name: 'I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... Chumbo?'

Nellie:Nellie's performance review philosophy: 'On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.'

Nellie · Dwight:Nellie gives Dwight an immediate raise mid-tirade: 'Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise.'

Nellie · Phyllis:Nellie compliments Phyllis on how she 'conquered her fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there...' trailing off with meaningless praise

Nellie · Darryl:Nellie and Darryl physically fight over an office chair

Nellie:Nellie: 'Well fought. I accept the outcome.' (after the chair fight)

Nellie · Pam:Nellie's Pam review: 'What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.'

Nellie · Pam:Nellie: 'Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- What is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?'

Nellie · Pam:Nellie convinces Pam to take a workplace nap, adding: 'I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau.'

Nellie:Nellie: 'And when you wake up, you will earn more money.'

Nellie · Pam:Nellie forces Pam to say 'I'm amazing' as part of the review

Nellie · Jim:Nellie explains her existence to Jim via Tinkerbell metaphor: 'I'm Tinkerbell. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.'

Nellie · Jim:Nellie: 'Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist. She dies.' / Jim: 'She dies!'

Nellie · Office Staff:Nellie asks the office for a show of hands: 'Now, who here believes in Tinkerbell?' and people slowly raise hands

Nellie:Nellie's closing talking head: 'I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard... and most of my ideas are either [bad] or total crap. Yes. I worked right into a job for which I was ill prepared, ill seated, and somebody else already had and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American Dream right there — anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.'

Nellie:"Sorry! Sorry, everyone. I'm late, but you are all here, so no harm done at all by my lateness."

Nellie:Nellie's alarm clock snooze story: "Buzz, whack, buzz, whack" — seven times

Nellie:"No will power. That is my curse."

Nellie:"backwater, suburb of a suburb" — Nellie describing Scranton

Nellie · Oscar · Kevin · Dwight:"...and I mean no offense, but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?" — followed by the room's silent alarm

Oscar · Nellie:"Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive. Ooh! Ay caramba! The natives are getting restless."

Nellie:"I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court."

Oscar · Nellie:"What does that mean?" / "Or the squash court, or the supreme court. Hmm?"

Nellie:Nellie: "Nothing is more repellent than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices."

Nellie · Jim · Dwight:"That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry. Why not call...Shh."

Nellie:"Ah, but what's 10 years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?"

Jim · Nellie:Jim looks at Nellie's photo collection: 'Just one quick question — was this Halloween or—?' 'God, no.'

Nellie:"What kind of fool gets her heart broken by a bloody stage magician?"

Nellie:"Every day, I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died."

Robert California · Nellie · Office ensemble:The office chanting 'We hate Pam! We hate Pam!' in unison

Magician · Nellie · Dwight · Jim:The magician arrives at the party: 'Are you Nellie? I think you're my volunteer.' / Dwight intercepts: 'No, I'll do it. I will volunteer.'

Nellie:Nellie's unexpected defense: 'I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees in their own way.'

Andy · Nellie:Andy introduces himself to Nellie as 'the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about' in a mirror of her own greeting

Nellie · Andy:Nellie's flat 'No' to Andy's politely worded request to vacate the office

Robert California · Nellie · Andy:Robert California, asked to mediate the Andy/Nellie office standoff, tells Nellie to 'get accustomed to' people saying no because 'then it feels good when they finally say yes'

Andy · Nellie · Angela:Andy counts down from five to dock Nellie's pay, Nellie calls his bluff ('You can't dock my pay'), Andy escalates to calling for Angela — then finds Angela won't dock Nellie's pay either

Andy · Nellie · Angela:The countdown escalation: Andy and Nellie go through multiple five-count cycles, with Andy docking increasingly absurd amounts, culminating in '$10,000,' while Nellie taunts 'you're just saying numbers'

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight's briefing for Nellie: 'One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that.' — delivered with deadpan gravitas as an intelligence report

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight's briefing continues: Gabe bragged about an air show ticket to Meredith, then immediately said his friend might take it — 'so I'll keep you posted on that'

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight reveals to Nellie that Andy couldn't perform sexually: 'Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that.' / 'By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all.'

Nellie · Dwight:Nellie responds to Dwight's erection report: 'Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant.'

Andy · Nellie:Andy attempts to call a meeting, Nellie says 'you can't call a meeting,' Andy repeats himself louder — then thanks everyone for coming to 'my meeting'

Nellie · Andy:Nellie corrects Andy mid-meeting: 'Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is impotence. Which is important in its own way.'

Nellie:Nellie informs the group: 'Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male.'

Nellie:Nellie clarifies the impotence meeting is 'not me': 'I've never had any problem in that arena. And I have been with several older men.'

Nellie:Nellie corrects Erin's date format on phone memos: 'I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest.' Then adds: 'Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional. Shut up!'

Nellie:Nellie asks what Smokey's big songs were — 'Tracks of My Tears and what else? What's one more?'

Kevin · Nellie:Kevin and Nellie scheming to get tacos: 'Call me a layman, but I wish there was some real food here. Like hamburgers. Or Oreos. Or a pizza pie. Or...' / 'Tacos.' / 'What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos.'

Nellie:Nellie: 'I've never eaten a taco. I'm not entirely sure what they are. As long as they're not slimy, and please, God, don't let them have eyes.'

Kevin · Nellie:Kevin and Nellie eating tacos — non-verbal comedy of Nellie experiencing a taco for the first time with elaborate sounds and expressions.

Nellie:Nellie: 'What do you do with the crispy holder?' — about a taco shell.

Nellie · Andy:Nellie to Andy about their working relationship: 'It's going to be terrible.' Andy: 'Not necessarily.' Nellie: 'No, I'm going to make sure that it is, and if it isn't, I will take immediate action to rectify that.'

Nellie:Nellie: 'Now, I don't like to throw around the "B" word.' [beat] 'But I'm going to be a huge bitch to you.'

Nellie · Andy:Nellie attempts slacklining in heels. Andy: 'You going to wear your heels?' Nellie: 'I'm very self-conscious about my feet.' Then immediately falls spectacularly.

Andy · Nellie:Andy throws trash toward a bin instead of walking it over. Nellie is mid-sentence about recycling. 'Oh! Swish.' Nellie: 'It was nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are.'

Nellie:Random office member tosses trash perfectly into the bin while Nellie is mid-speech about not tossing. Nellie: 'Swish.' Then: 'It was nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are.'

Nellie · Andy:Nellie: 'There are two things that I am passionate about: recycling and revenge.' Andy successfully makes another trash shot. 'Fluke.'

Nellie:'The special projects fairy has arrived.' — Nellie entering the office

Nellie:'I'd like to see him piss on that one.' — Nellie in talking head about Andy rejecting her charity initiative

Stanley · Nellie:Stanley picks 'American Diabetes Association' as his charity. Nellie: 'You have diabetes, Stanley.' Stanley: 'I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?'

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight offers to live under Taliban law to trap Nellie into abandoning Operation Giveback.

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight steals Nellie's pen and taunts her: 'Oh, this is a lovely pen. And it's mine now because I stole it.'

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight: 'That means you're not serious or someone's getting their hand cut off.'

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight brings '127 Hours' as 'inspiration' for Nellie's hand-chopping decision — 'No, no, no! No spoilers, please.'

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight and Nellie watching 127 Hours: 'The way he just cuts off his arm.' / 'If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes.'

Nellie:Nellie refers to Andy as 'Demandy' — her nickname for him due to his demanding nature.

Nellie · Pam:Nellie says she might as well practice eating while driving since she'll be doing it anyway. Pam objects with 'Brake lights!'

Nellie · Pam:Pam and Nellie's conversation about Andy being related to Michelle Obama: 'Well, somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.'

Nellie:Nellie's confession: 'I barely know how to turn on my computer' — she invented the Michelle Obama genealogy.

Pam · Nellie:Pam's driving instruction intercut with her genuine conversation about painting: 'turn signal... those are the wipers... there you go... red light... red light, red light, red, red—'

Nellie · Pam:Nellie sees Pam's mural for Angela's baby: 'I love the lion in the tuxedo.' Pam: 'Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.'

Nellie:Nellie gets Andy's text and reads it aloud: 'New special proj. Need fam. Tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt. ASAP.' And then in parentheses he wrote out, 'as soon as possible.'

Nellie:Nellie's response to the text: 'Ugh, looks like it's pretendy time again.'

Pam · Nellie:Nellie suggests connecting someone to Tonya Harding. Pam says 'I'm related to Tonya Harding.' Beat. 'No, I'm just practicing my lying.'

Nellie · Pam:Pam says Jim looks 'Nixony' when he wakes up. Nellie: 'My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying, none of the sexual charisma.'

Nellie:Nellie: 'I just made a joke then. I'm sorry.' Then immediately pivots to genuine concern about Jim.

Nellie · Pam:Nellie: 'Ugh, an affair. It is always an affair.' Pam: 'Jim? No.' Nellie: 'How can you be sure?' Pam: 'Because he just loves me too much.' Nellie: 'You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?'

Nellie · Pam:Nellie shows Pam the ugly warehouse wall: 'That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it? Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking, a mural. You mean me? Yes, you. You are so talented. It's going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.'

Nellie · Pam:Nellie interrupts Pam trying to explain something. Pam: 'I was helping Nellie drive—' Nellie: 'Do not care.'

Andy · Nellie:Nellie finds the adoption form; Andy says 'Oh, of course, you were adopted.' Nellie: 'I wish! No, I made some short lists, I had a couple of sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable, maybe. Oh, well.'

Nellie:Nellie: '[Andy] hates me. Thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness.'

Oscar · Nellie:Oscar helping Nellie with adoption form: 'Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages. Although, I have considered kidnapping one. And never say that.'

Oscar · Nellie:Oscar to Nellie: 'I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five-year-old again. I would snap you up.'

Nellie:Nellie: 'I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.'

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight nets Nellie with his 'apprehension kit' — apparently a literal net — while Nellie tries to reason with him

Dwight · Meredith · Nellie:Dwight chases Meredith with a net; chaos ensues with Dwight yelling 'The jig is up, Psychopath!'

Dwight · Nellie:Nellie drops a net/apprehension on the chase scene — 'Let's see you get out of this web.' / 'The pill is mine!'

Nellie · Dwight:Nellie confesses it's her pill: 'I take it every day, and it makes me feel better. And maybe it could help you too.'

Dwight · Nellie:'Other cousin Mose.' / [beat] / 'Got it.'

Nellie:'Other cousin Mose. Got it.' — Nellie accepts the Mose/Mose explanation without further comment

Dwight · Nellie:Nellie: 'Well, you tell Mose that he's a good man, and I hope he feels better.' / [beat] / Dwight: 'Which one?' / Nellie: 'Mose, or the real Mose?' / Dwight: 'The real Mose.' / Dwight: 'He says thank you.'

Dwight · Pam · Nellie:May I please speak to your boss? — No, she is the boss. — I am?

Dwight · Nellie:I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive, imposing. I am going to sell to you in 12 minutes. No, actually, she'd like to take her time. I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. This is gonna work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I'm finished, it's over.

Dwight · Nellie:I thought it went great. / One. Have you ever killed a woman? How many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me?

Dwight · Nellie:Dwight's nodding face — 'I can't. I just can't carry on with that face. He looks like he's laboring over a stool, having just eaten human flesh.'

Nellie:Nellie's panic monologue: 'Andy has just started to be nice to me and now I've sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man! And I cc'ed him on every incriminating memo.'

Nellie:'Pete and Erin, don't hold back. Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.'

Nellie:Nellie's confessional: 'Most relationships eventually die on their own. But sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face.'

Nellie:'You're welcome, Andy. And you're welcome, my own ass.'

Nellie · Pete · Erin:Nellie reassembles Youth Task Force — Pete and Erin clearly want it dissolved; Nellie insists; they capitulate awkwardly: 'Well, okay then.' / 'I guess we don't have a choice.' / 'Nope.' / 'Yeah.' / 'Yeah.'

Dwight · Nellie:All right, then no bottoms. We should ask you to do big rounded Ws. / Yes. Or nipple-less breasts. / Or melons like cantaloupes with the halves are cut off and then just the bottom parts.

Nellie · Pam:We should just take him down. / Wait. Are you saying... / I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face.

Nellie · Pam:Nellie: 'I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.' / Pam: 'I know.' / Nellie: 'You miss Angela, don't you?' / Pam: 'Ugh, don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.'

Andy · Nellie:Andy insists Wallace knows about the three-month absence. Nellie: 'Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?' Andy: 'I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know.' Then: 'It's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks and Caicos, people. It's in every bembe cafe.'

Andy · Nellie:Andy asks Nellie to brief him on highlights. Nellie mentions the Scranton White Pages. Andy: 'Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people.'

Nellie · Toby:Nellie to Toby about the Scranton Strangler obsession: 'Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it?'

Toby · Nellie:Toby, after the Scranton Strangler strangled him in prison: 'Well, the good news is, no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal?'

Toby · Nellie:Toby, hoarse-voiced, on the brave act of offering his neck to discover the truth: 'You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice — isn't that the expression?'

Jim · Nellie:Not one of us remembers you saying anything about $2,000. / I forgot. I completely forgot.

Oscar · Nellie:I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment...is just fine for me and Phillip and Tinkie and Crinklepuss and Bandit Two and Pawlick Baggins and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens.

Kevin · Angela · Nellie:Kevin versus Angela matchup introduced; Kevin admits he bought a pre-folded plane off Craigslist

Nellie:Nellie announces: 'I give you Toby and Angela' — described as 'two creatures, great and small'

Robert · Nellie:Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman? / Yes, I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything. / Mmm. Is she a gambler? / In a way, but not in a stand-up-and-cheer kind of way, like the song.

Nellie:We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. It's such a pity. Just use the money wisely. Okay?

Nellie:Oh, I live in Poland now. The Scranton of the EU.

Nellie:If Ryan wants his baby back, please tell him where to find me. We'll be somewhere in Europe.