Angry Andy

Jim:Phyllis says the same thing every time it rains. 'It's raining cats and dogs.' Every single time.

Jim:So I started keeping track. I've got a betting pool going with Dwight and Ryan.

Jim:If she says 'cats and dogs,' we all chip in five bucks. Whoever guesses her next cliché wins the pot.

Jim:Last week she said, 'Well, I guess the farmers needed this.' I won thirty dollars.

Jim:It's basically a retirement plan at this point.

Jim:So Phyllis, how was your weekend?

Phyllis:Oh, you know, Bob and I just stayed in. We ordered a pizza, watched a movie. Nothing fancy.

Jim:Let me guess - you're not one of those fancy people?

Phyllis:No, I'm not! I'm just a simple gal. I like the simple things in life.

Jim:And let me guess - you wouldn't change a thing about yourself?

Phyllis:That's right. What you see is what you get with me!

Jim:So Phyllis, when you think about relationships, what's the one thing that really matters?

Phyllis:Um... honesty?

Jim:Right, right. But like, if you had to pick one word. The most important word. Something... communication-related?

Phyllis:I... don't know what you're asking.

Jim:It's a word that rhymes with 'rust.' Starts with a T.

Phyllis:Trust?

Jim:YES! Trust! See, you knew it all along.

Phyllis:You know, I really appreciate how nice everyone's being to me today. It's so sweet.

Phyllis:I guess what I'm trying to say is... everything happens for a reason.

Kevin:It's a nice sweater, but it's got a turtleneck. I can't eat soup in a turtleneck.

Kevin:I don't know, I bobblized it.

Kevin:Now it's called a bobble-me-not.

Kevin:So my character is half-man, half-mermaid. His name is Aquaman—wait, that's taken. Okay, his name is... Mer-Man. And his superpower is that he can breathe underwater, but also on land. And he has a trident that shoots lasers. And he's really good at fishing.

Kevin:Yeah, I mostly just write about the mermaid love-making.

Andy:Hi, I'm Andy Bernard. Regional Director of the Scranton branch.

Nellie:Actually, I'm the Regional Director now.

Andy:Right, well, as the former Regional Director and current... uh... Vice Regional Director of... sales, I think you'll find that I'm still very much in charge of... certain things.

Nellie:What things?

Andy:Important things. Things that matter. I have a lot of... influence around here.

Andy:Nellie, I really think I should have my office back. I was here first.

Nellie:No.

Andy:But it's traditionally the regional manager's office.

Nellie:No.

Andy:I'll let you use it on Fridays?

Nellie:No.

Ryan:You gotta tire them out first. That's the key. Just like Jim.

Jim:What?

Ryan:You need to be put down before the baby can go to sleep.

Ryan:Well, she's great with children.

Ryan:Wait, no— I mean, she's good at her job. She's a pediatrician. Why would I—

Jim:So you're saying... don't shake the baby?

Ryan:Right. You hold it gently. And you support the head. Babies have very fragile necks.

Jim:I think most parents know that, Ryan.

Ryan:Well, you'd be surprised. A lot of people don't know that. I learned it from a book.

Ryan:I'm totally cool with Kelly dating that guy. I mean, I'm mature about it. I don't care that he's... you know, a different ethnicity. I'm not racist or anything. I just have a preference for... my own race. That's not racist, right? That's just a preference, like preferring pizza to sushi.

Ryan:I mean, if she really loved me, wouldn't she want to be with me instead of him?

Ryan:Is this what love is? Being possessive and selfish?

Camera operator/Interviewer:Yeah.

Nellie:Well, Robert, I've found that if someone says no, you just have to keep asking until they say yes. That's what I do with the men in my life, and it works out beautifully.

Robert:I have a very specific method for making business decisions. First, I address any sexual tension or desire I might be experiencing, because that clouds judgment. So I take care of that. Then, and only then, can I think clearly about the business at hand.

Robert California:Sexual desire is a primal force that clouds judgment. So I channel it. I take that energy and I redirect it into my work. It makes me unstoppable. That's what Warren Buffett does.

Andy:You know what, Nellie? I'm docking your pay 5%.

Nellie:Oh yeah? Well I'm docking YOUR pay 10%.

Andy:That's it. 15% pay cut for you.

Nellie:20% for you!

Andy:25%!

Nellie:30%!

Angela:I'm just gonna sit here and watch my pay stay the same.

Darryl:Yeah, back in the day I had some anger issues. Now when I feel that rage building up, I just take a deep breath, count to ten, and think about something peaceful. Like a nice sunset or a cool breeze.

Andy:I'm docking your pay by $5,000!

Nellie:Oh yeah? Well I'm docking YOUR pay by $10,000!

Andy:That's it! I'm docking your pay by one million dollars!

Nellie:Andy, we don't even make that much in a year. This is meaningless.

Andy:...You're docking my pay by two million dollars.

Andy:So... last night was...

Erin:Amazing? Incredible? Life-changing?

Andy:I was going to say awkward, but sure, let's go with that.

Erin:Well, I've been working on my moves. I took a class.

Andy:A class on what exactly?

Erin:Being sexy. Watch this.

Erin:*attempts an awkward, uncomfortable seductive pose*

Andy:Oh my God, please stop.

Erin:It's not a big deal.

Andy:...It's kind of a big deal.

Erin:Looking at these photos from our trip, this timeshare was amazing!

Andy:Actually, it's called a fractional ownership property.

Ryan:I love you Kelly. Always have, always will.

Ryan:Again, that could change.

Interviewer:Has your job loss affected your personal life?

Andy:Well, I've been dealing with a condition called penial softiosis.

Andy:Look, I'm telling you, everything's working just fine down there.

Erin:Really? Because I heard you couldn't even get the Washington Monument up.

Andy:That's not fair, Erin. That's a very tall monument.

Erin:Well, what about the Eiffel Tower?

Andy:Okay, the Eiffel Tower is even taller!

Erin:And the Burj Khalifa?

Andy:Erin, that's the tallest building in the world. I'm not a miracle worker.

Pam:Kelly, remember when Ryan cheated on you?

Kelly:Oh my god, which time?

Ryan:I'm doing this for Kelly. She deserves better. And before you say anything, no, this has nothing to do with me wanting to look good or gain anything from this situation.

Dwight:Nellie, I need to report that Andy Bernard has been having sexual performance issues. However, I want you to know that I have no such problems. My sexual prowess is legendary. I can go all night. Multiple times. My stamina is unmatched. I've had partners weep with joy. I once made a woman lose consciousness from pleasure.

Nellie:Dwight, why are you telling me this?

Dwight:Because you need to understand the contrast. Andy is weak. I am strong. Andy wilts like a flower in the sun. I am a mighty oak that continues to stand tall and proud, no matter the conditions.

Nellie:Oh Andy, I'm so sorry to hear about your... condition. But you know, a man's worth isn't measured by his job performance.

Andy:Thanks Nellie, I appreciate—

Nellie:Although in your case, they're pretty much the same thing.

Andy:Everyone in this office is important.

Nellie:Did you say impotent?

Andy:No, important.

Nellie:Oh, because you looked impotent.

Nellie:You know, I always say that the mind is like a garden. You have to tend to it, nurture it, and sometimes you have to pull out the weeds of doubt.

Nellie:I have no idea if that's a real quote or if I just made it up.

Nellie:But honestly, who cares? I don't read books. Reading is for people who don't have enough money to buy a television.

Dwight:Erectile dysfunction is a very common problem affecting millions of men. But did you know that seahorses are the only species where the male gets pregnant? That's right. The seahorse male carries the eggs. So if a seahorse can't get it up, the entire species fails. There is no backup plan. That's pressure.

Andy:I don't have erectile dysfunction.

Andy:See? Still works.

Andy:So Jim, have you ever had any... erectile dysfunction issues?

Jim:Uh, no, I... Why are you asking me that?

Andy:I'm just curious. You know, man stuff.

Jim:Well, I mean, there was that time I couldn't fit into my old college jeans, and I had some real anxiety about that for like three weeks.

Kevin:Hey Andy, cheer up man. Erin was telling me about you two, and she said you were really good.

Andy:She did?

Kevin:Yeah, she went into some pretty graphic detail actually. Like, really graphic. She described positions I didn't even know existed.

Jim:Well, it was this one time... I was at a beach in Brazil, right? And I had just eaten this really spicy fish tacos...

Jim:So anyway, I'm walking along the shore, and suddenly this parrot flies down and just... startles me.

Jim:And then a wave hits me, knocks me over, and I'm lying there in the sand thinking about my grandfather's funeral for some reason.

Jim:It was very traumatic. Very traumatic experience.

Robert:You know, I had a problem once. Took me two years to have an orgasm.

Robert:Two years. Finally happened. I was at a Sandals Jamaica resort, eating a coconut.

Robert:I will never forget that coconut.

Dwight:Well, you could use a combine harvester. The vibration is quite therapeutic.

Andy:Yeah, so they're moving me back to sales. No, no, it's actually great! I get to spend more time doing what I love. Plus, I'll be making less money, which means I'm less of a target for criminals and kidnappers. It's a win-win, really.

Nellie:I prefer my dates in the European format: day, month, year. It just makes more sense.

Nellie:Wait—no, that's not what I meant. I'm talking about the numerical format for dates, not... oh my God, why are you all looking at me like that?

Nellie:Don't you dare laugh at me! I said what I said and I meant it exactly as I stated it!

Erin:Andy doesn't need you guys talking about him like that. He's a good person and he can handle himself.

Andy:Actually, I need Erin to keep defending me. I'm very fragile.

Andy:Dad, you're being really unfair right now.

Andy:Oh yeah? Well, you're short!

Andy:You're a jerk! A big stupid jerk! And you're ugly too! Yeah, how do you like that? You're the worst person ever. You smell bad. You're dumb. And your face is weird. And you're a doofus, a dunderhead, a nincompoop! I'm gonna throw this at you!

Andy:Ow! My hand! I hit myself! This is your fault, Nellie! Everything's your fault! Now I'm throwing the lamp! Ow, ow, ow!

Kevin:That's what she said.

Darryl:Hey, you know what? I'm actually looking forward to anger management class now. If Andy's gonna be there, it's gonna be like a reunion!

Ryan:Come on, just say bad things to my face.

Pam:Okay. Um... you're not a good person. You're not a good employee. And you smell like... wet dog and broken dreams.

Creed:Ryan's a temp. He's not even a real employee. I wouldn't wish that guy on my worst enemy.

Creed:I don't even know who Ravi is, but he's gotta be better than Ryan.

Creed:That kid's a snake. Always has been. Tell you what, Kelly should date someone named Derek.

Ryan:You guys just don't understand. She's obsessed with me. It's like I'm some kind of... prize she can't have.

Ryan:The way she yells at me, the way she throws things... that's passion. That's love.

Ryan:This is exactly like Romeo and Juliet. Except instead of her family keeping us apart, it's... everyone here. And her restraining order.

Andy:Boo! Boo! You're toxic!

Pam:Andy, you're being ridiculous.

Andy:Boo! Toxic! Toxic Pam!

Ryan:Kelly, I've run the numbers. Based on our relationship metrics, there's a 73% probability of long-term compatibility, factoring in our opposing work schedules, your spending habits, and my commitment issues.

Kelly:Is that a proposal?

Ryan:It's a cost-benefit analysis. But yes, will you marry me?

Robert:Andy, I'm giving you one final chance to avoid being fired.

Andy:No.

Andy:I feel like I'm in control of my own destiny right now.

Kelly:I'm not crying, you're crying.

Kelly:That was actually really beautiful, Ryan.