Welcome Party

Jim:"A moustachectomy? Stanley, I didn't know you were having that done."

Pam:Oh right, because your jokes are SO much better.

Jim:Stanley, I have to say, you don't have the facial hair to pull off that look.

Pam:Did you... did you shave your beard, Stanley?

Stanley:Yeah, I shaved this morning.

Pam:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. No, no, no, no, no. Stanley, your face. I... I can't even look at you right now. You look like a completely different person. A scary person. A very, very scary person.

Jim:Has anyone seen Stanley today?

Pam:I think he came in this morning.

Dwight:Stanley Hudson is always here. He's like furniture.

Michael:Wait, we have a Stanley?

Kevin:Well, Stanley's always in his office with the door closed. And when he does come out, he's usually wearing a disguise so nobody recognizes him.

Kevin:Well, I mean, they're both pretty bad. But this one... this one has a certain je ne sais quoi of incompetence that really speaks to me. It's like the artist was trying to draw Stanley, but gave up halfway through and just decided to make some kind of abstract representation of despair. And this other one? This one's worse.

Michael:Okay, okay, everyone listen up. We need to settle this once and for all. Does Stanley have a beard or not?

Pam:I think he does. I've definitely seen facial hair.

Jim:No way, that's just his face. Stanley's always looked like that.

Dwight:I have conducted extensive visual analysis. The evidence is inconclusive.

Stanley:Why are you all looking at me like this?

Kevin:You've got something going on with your chin, man.

Oscar:This is the most pointless debate in the history of this office.

Michael:Stanley, stand up. Let's get a good look.

Stanley:Absolutely not.

Everyone:Aaaaahhhhh!

Robert California:Where is Pam? You know, it's funny... when I walk in, nobody looks up. But when Pam doesn't show up? Suddenly everyone's concerned. I suppose that says something about me.

Robert:Pam, what are you doing? Are you watching music videos?

Pam:I was just taking a quick break.

Robert:I see. Well, I'm going to need you to stop that. We have a professional environment to maintain. Now, who was that gentleman? Fifty Cent? Two Dollars?

Pam:It's Fifty Cent.

Robert:Right. Well, tell Fifty Cent and his associate Twenty-Five Cent that they need to clock out.

Robert:Why are you late?

Nelnie:Well, my alarm went off at 6 AM, and I hit snooze. Then it went off again at 6:09, and I hit snooze again. Then 6:18, snooze. 6:27, snooze. 6:36, snooze. 6:45, snooze. 6:54, snooze. 7:03, snooze. 7:12, snooze. 7:21, snooze...

Nellie:I have no willpower.

Robert:Willpower is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. Women are like water — they adapt to whatever container you put them in.

Nellie:I mean, Scranton? It's like being exiled to a third-world country. The people here are so... unsophisticated.

Nellie:But please, don't take that the wrong way. I'm sure you're all very nice.

Nelline:Oh come on, it's just a little joke! Why is everyone so sensitive these days?

Nelline:Ay caramba, amigos! I was just trying to bring some spice to the office, like a conquistador bringing civilization to the New World!

Nellie:I want everyone to keep their hostility outside of this office.

Nellie:If you have a problem with someone, take it to court.

Nellie:Traffic court, small claims court, basketball court, whatever you need.

Nellie:But resolve it there, not here.

Jim:Why me?

Oscar:Wait, so Robert is helping Nellie get back into the company after she basically took over and kicked everyone out? That's like... that's like helping someone break into your house after they robbed you, and then thanking them for it. The logic is completely backwards.

Stanley:Why are we all making such a big deal about Nellie? We're all just gonna die anyway.

Erin:Oh, a cabin! That sounds nice. My parents had a cabin once. Well, it was more of a shack. And it burned down. With my family inside it. So that's why I'm so cheerful now.

Angela:If you want to throw a party that will absolutely fail, book the venue in the warehouse and serve liver cake.

Erin:I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, but we're done.

Andy:Cut! Perfect. That was exactly 47 seconds. Good timing on the tears.

Erin:Thanks! I've been practicing in the bathroom.

Andy:It really shows. Let's go again from the top.

Dwight:You're rotating it wrong. That's not how Tetris works. You go like this—*makes exaggerated rotation motions*—'Oh no, I'm Jim Halpert, I don't understand spatial relations, I'm just gonna jam it in there sideways and hope it fits.'

Nellie:Magic is just... it's repulsive. The way they contort their bodies, the way they make things disappear into their bodies. I once saw a magician pull a rabbit out of his pants. Out of his pants! Where was it before? I don't want to know.

Dwight:We were trying to make manual labor sound hip. You know, 'hauling cube.' It didn't work.

Andy:This is Erin. She's my... administrative assistant.

Erin:I'm his girlfriend.

Andy:She means... intern. She's very confused about office hierarchy.

Nellie:You know, I've been thinking about this a lot. The human heart can only take so much disappointment before it simply gives up.

Nellie:Also, I discovered this wonderful social media platform called 'The Tweeter.' Simply marvelous for sharing one's thoughts with the masses.

Jim:So this guy... he's just a friend?

Dwight:No, Jim. Obviously they're together.

Jim:But how can you tell? They're just standing next to each other. Could be coworkers.

Dwight:They're holding hands, Jim.

Jim:Oh, that could mean anything. Maybe he's guiding her. She could have terrible eyesight.

Jim:So someone photoshopped this guy's face out... Maybe he's in witness protection? Or he's a vampire and doesn't show up in photos?

Jim:Oh wait, it's probably just Toby.

Nellie:I call my box Benjamin.

Dwight:Why?

Nellie:Because that's what I want to call it.

Nellie:These photos are painful memories.

Dwight:I can fix that. I know a very effective way to cause brain damage.

Nellie:Henry was the love of my life. We met in college, and he just swept me off my feet. He was so mysterious, so charming. He'd disappear for days at a time without explanation.

Nellie:I never knew where he went or what he was doing. He'd come back with these elaborate stories, but they never quite added up. I felt like I was living in a constant state of confusion.

Nellie:One day I finally confronted him. I said, 'Henry, I need to know the truth. Where have you been? What are you hiding from me?' And he looked at me with those eyes and said...

Nellie:'Nellie, I'm a stage magician. I've been touring the country doing shows.'

Jim:We need to leave. Now. Right now.

Pam:What? Why? What's wrong?

Jim:Nellie's ex-boyfriend is a magician, Pam. A magician.

Pam:...Okay? So?

Jim:So?! He could make us disappear! He could make our baby disappear!

Pam:Jim, that's not how magic works.

Jim:You don't know that!

Angela:No. We are going to have the meanest party this office has ever seen. And if you don't like it, you can get out. We're going to make fun of everybody. We're going to laugh at their pain. And there's nothing you can do about it. So there.

Andy:What is this candy shaped like?

Woman:It's a penis.

Andy:Oh. Well, it's anatomically incorrect.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. That one's me. That's my balloon. I'm a bad boyfriend.

Woman 1:Pop it!

Woman 2:Pop it!

Andy:No, no, no. I'm trying to change!

Darryl:We got code names for people. Keeps things interesting in the warehouse.

Darryl:Ryan's code name is 'The Temp Who Thinks He's Better Than Everyone.'

Jim:Darryl, that's not a code name. That's just... what he is.

Darryl:Exactly. Defeats the purpose.

Kevin:How about Pam?

Pam:Kevin, I'm standing right here.

Magician:So you all wanted me to perform here tonight... at this party...

Magician:Because you thought it would be ironic? Because a magician at a corporate party is... funny?

Magician:Wait. No. You didn't hire me because I'm *good* at magic, did you?

Magician:You hired me because I'm *bad* at magic.

Andy:Jessica, there's something I need to tell you. I'm... I'm gay.

Jessica:What? Andy, that doesn't make any sense. We've been together for months.

Andy:I know, and I'm sorry. I just... I've been struggling with this the whole time. I think we should break up.

Jessica:This is insane. You're making this up just to get out of this relationship.

Andy:No, I'm totally serious. Very gay. So, so gay.

Andy:I had to fake attraction to Jessica.

Andy:I fantasized about John Stamos washing my car in the rain.

Robert:Nellie is a consummate professional. Pam, on the other hand, can barely manage to show up on time.

Robert:Nellie closes deals. Pam closes... nothing. She just sits there at that desk.

Robert:If Pam were any less effective, I'd have to let her go. Actually, if she were any less effective, I'd want her to go. Off a cliff. I'd push her off a cliff myself.

Robert:Pam, you've been a real problem around here.

Stanley:Yeah!

Kevin:She never refills the coffee!

Angela:And her art is terrible.

Everyone:PAM! PAM! PAM!

Pam:Guys, what is happening right now?

Dwight:The people have spoken!

Everyone:PAM! PAM! PAM!

Erin:I feel so tired after that emotional scene.

Andy:That's probably because you didn't eat lunch. I had a really big breakfast, so I'm fine.

Magician:You're very tall.

Magician:Do you play basketball?

Magician:How's the weather up there?

Magician:You'd better watch out for low-flying birds.

Magician:No, no, no. You're supposed to pick a card, any card.

Dwight:I know what I'm doing.

Magician:Okay, now put it back in the deck.

Dwight:Already did.

Magician:That was fast. Now I'm going to find your card using ancient magic. El card-o has been selected-o. The card-o is in the deck-o. Uno, dos, tres card-os!

Magician:So I was at this restaurant, right? And the waiter comes up to me and says, 'Sir, we have a problem.'

Jim:That didn't happen.

Magician:What?

Jim:That didn't happen. You weren't at a restaurant.

Dwight:That wizard is a hack.

Kevin:Carrot cake is not cake. It's a salad. You eat salad to be healthy. Cake is supposed to be bad for you. That's the whole point of cake.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. I need to take that back. I'm not gay. I'm actually... extremely heterosexual. Like, aggressively heterosexual. I'm so heterosexual that other heterosexual men feel inadequate around me.

Bachelorette party woman:Are you serious?! You mean to tell me you're straight?

Hank:A magician? Got past security? How'd he do that?

Hank:He just... walked right through the door?

Hank:Wait. Wait a minute.

Hank:Was it... real magic?