Welcome Party

Michael/Andy (card signer):"Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy."

Jim · Pam · Phyllis · Kevin · Oscar · Dwight:The entire office cannot agree on or picture whether Stanley has a mustache, despite working with him for 25 years

Jim:"The whole card depends on this" — treating an absurd trivia question with boardroom-level urgency

Dwight:"Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business."

Dwight:"Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity."

Dwight:"That said, the one on the left." — Dwight immediately picks a drawing he just called beyond human insanity

Jim · Office ensemble:"Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him? Quick, who says mustache?"

Stanley · Jim · Office ensemble:Stanley walks out of the elevator — he clearly has a mustache. "He does have one!"

Robert California:"'Good morning, Robert,' says no one because our receptionist is in Florida."

Robert California · Pam:"Is this a video conference you're having with 'Drake featuring Swizz Beatz'?"

Robert California:"People, you should come to work already warm. 9:00 to 10:00 a.m. is the most productive potential that human beings..."

Nellie:"Sorry! Sorry, everyone. I'm late, but you are all here, so no harm done at all by my lateness."

Nellie:Nellie's alarm clock snooze story: "Buzz, whack, buzz, whack" — seven times

Nellie:"No will power. That is my curse."

Robert California:"I've never believed will power was very important in a woman."

Nellie:"backwater, suburb of a suburb" — Nellie describing Scranton

Nellie · Oscar · Kevin · Dwight:"...and I mean no offense, but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?" — followed by the room's silent alarm

Oscar · Nellie:"Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive. Ooh! Ay caramba! The natives are getting restless."

Nellie:"I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court."

Oscar · Nellie:"What does that mean?" / "Or the squash court, or the supreme court. Hmm?"

Kevin · Phyllis · Angela:"I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?" / "I'm still not sure why this woman is even here!"

Andy:Andy's talking-head: 'Two crazy kids on the journey of life / Going to Pennsylvania / On the road with my new girlfriend / But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend'

Andy · Erin:The 'no kisses until the breakup is official' exchange — both characters agree this is 'important'

Pam · Meredith:Pam's plan to throw a deliberately bad party: "It kind of makes me want to throw a really bad party. Yeah. On purpose."

Phyllis · Pam:"Order carrot cake" as the most subversive choice they can make for a party

Andy · Erin:Andy's worst-case scenario rehearsal: He keeps saying 'I just need you to know' and then trailing off, punching himself

Dwight:Dwight mocks Jim's Tetris skills: 'Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I have no idea what a gift this line is.'

Nellie:Nellie: "Nothing is more repellent than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices."

Jim · Pam:Jim on the phone: "hauling cube" — 'That's moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler.'

Pam · Jim:Pam's suggestion to 'hire a magician' — Pam says it as a joke, but Jim immediately says 'What? Trust me. Okay.'

Andy:Andy at the bachelorette party explaining Erin: "Why is Erin with me? That's a great question. She is my co-worker and she needed a ride because she totaled her car."

Erin · Andy:"Okay, Andy, that is a bachelorette party. This is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime." — followed by 'Should we go? / Yeah'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin looking at photos of Jessica's new boyfriend — Andy keeps misidentifying the relationship: 'I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend. Like a boyfriend? You read my mind.'

Andy:"Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory, he's a hated Italian politician."

Nellie · Jim · Dwight:"That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry. Why not call...Shh."

Nellie:"Ah, but what's 10 years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?"

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories. If it would help you to forget, [Dwight grabs candlestick] in the brain stem with this candlestick.'

Jim · Nellie:Jim looks at Nellie's photo collection: 'Just one quick question — was this Halloween or—?' 'God, no.'

Jim · Pam:Jim on the phone urgently telling Pam to cancel the magician: 'Call it off, Pam. Call it off... Cancel the magician. Trust me.'

Jim · Pam:Jim calls off the prank party on the phone with Pam, who thinks it was her idea to go normal. Jim: 'Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? Cancel the magician. Trust me.'

Pam · Phyllis · Meredith:Pam: 'Like, not mean. Just a regular party. Not mean.' — Phyllis: 'I knew she'd crack. I wanted to leave you out, you know.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks.' / 'Suck it.'

Andy · Lauren · Jessica's friends:Andy is offered a gummy penis and asks for 'just some gummy bears.' Lauren: 'These are delicious.' Andy: 'But they're penises.' Lauren: 'And we come to Matthew...'

Andy · Erin:Andy at the bachelorette party: 'Do you want a gummy penis? / No. I'll just have some gummy bears. / These are delicious. / But they're penises.'

Andy · Jessica's friends:"Maybe we don't pop that one. / No. Pop it. Pop it. Pop it."

Andy · Megan · Bachelorette party guests:Andy's old friend at the party: "You are one of the good ones, Nard Dog." — women asking Andy to sing

Andy:Andy pressed into singing at the bachelorette party: 'Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so—' then is forced to sing 'Loch Lomond'

warehouse worker · Oscar:Party committee discussing code names: 'Ryan was "Douche Bag."' / 'Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult. Plus, everyone would know who you meant.'

Kevin · Oscar:"How about 'Pam'? Simple, easy to remember." / "Because there's someone already here named Pam."

Musician/Rolf:The musician hired for Nellie's party: "They asked me to play only originals. I said, 'Have you heard my originals? They're terrible.' They said, 'Even better.' I said, 'I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie.'"

Musician:The musician announces his song will be 'over a half-hour long.'

Andy · Kenny:Kenny at the party: 'You invited me to go shopping with you / I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. / Which proves my point that I'm gay.'

Jessica · Andy:Jessica: 'Andy, you're not gay. And you seemed pretty excitable.' / 'Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time.'

Andy:"with John Stamos" — Andy uses John Stamos as evidence of what actually excites him

Robert California:Robert California's toast: 'Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled and unfriendly presence in our company.'

Nellie:"Every day, I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died."

Jim:Jim defends Pam at the toast with increasingly damning faint praise: 'she is misunderstood...maybe there's some stuff in her past that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with.'

Robert California · Nellie · Office ensemble:The office chanting 'We hate Pam! We hate Pam!' in unison

Robert California · Pam:Robert: 'Do you ever wish she would just disappear?' — the camera cuts to Pam presumably watching from outside

Andy · Erin:Jim and Erin's post-bachelorette debriefing: 'That was a really rough scene.' / 'Right? Rough scene. Yeah.'

Andy · Erin:'At least we can kiss now.' / 'Oh, yeah.'

Andy · Erin:Andy: 'You know, that stuff that I said about you to her, that's just... I was dating her at the time.'

Andy · Erin:Andy/Erin nausea: 'Probably from seeing that turkey. / Oh yeah. When we drove by the farm. Always does that.'

Magician · Nellie · Dwight · Jim:The magician arrives at the party: 'Are you Nellie? I think you're my volunteer.' / Dwight intercepts: 'No, I'll do it. I will volunteer.'

Magician · Dwight:The magician to Dwight: 'Oh, big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for birds.'

Dwight · Magician:Dwight's sabotage: blurts out 'It's the four of hearts' before looking at the card; magician responds 'No hablo el cardo, señor?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim explains his sabotage credibility: 'Little known fact about me — before I was a magician, I worked at a rope factory. Not true, because that's not a real place.'

Dwight · Magician:Dwight deliberately destroys the magician's card shuffling by violently smashing the deck — magician: 'You didn't just do that on purpose, did you?'

Dwight:"Okay, scram, wizard."

Nellie:Nellie's unexpected defense: 'I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees in their own way.'

Kevin:Kevin's complaint: "This cake has vegetables in it like a salad bar, Robert."

Kevin:"How do I get this taste out of my mouth?"

Andy:Andy returns to Jessica's party: "Super duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay that I'm in love with a girl."

Andy:"Total relationship material." — Andy using Nellie's/Jessica's earlier dismissal of Erin as a declaration of love

Jessica's friends · Kenny:Jessica's friends' escalating reactions: 'Why the hell did you come back here? / Go away / Get lost / Get out / You ruined my party / Who does that? / Yeah, run away. Run away. / You're disgusting / I can't believe you're not gay / Get out of here / Don't come back'

Pam · Hank:Hank the security guard: 'I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician.' / 'Yes, ma'am. I got my eyes open.' / 'He came and went.' / 'What? That ain't right.'

Hank:"Wait a minute. You said it was a magician, right? You don't think he could have used... It couldn't have been... Let's just go."