Darryl Philbin

Michael · Darryl:Michael introduces the foreman: 'This is the foreman, Mitta Rogers.' — 'That's not my real name.' — 'It's Darryl. Darryl is Mitta Rogers.' — Extended chain: Darryl Rogers → Darryl Philbin → Regis → Rege → Roger → Mitta Rogers

Michael · Darryl:Michael accuses Darryl of 'chickenin' out' and 'bailin'' when Darryl says they have a 1:15 truck going out

Michael · Darryl:Darryl: 'Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.' — Michael: 'You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser works on Saturday.'

Darryl:Darryl, clearly regretting the whole thing, quietly says 'No...' after Michael announces the Saturday bet

Darryl:After a beat of hesitation, Darryl says 'You on.' — followed immediately by 'Don't screw this up.' (whispered to his own guys)

Darryl:'Like coming in an extra day is going to prevent us from being downsized.' — Darryl's quiet line after Michael's announcement

Michael · Darryl:Michael recognizes the actress in the corporate sexual harassment video: 'I banged this girl right here.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael proposes the sales department are 'the furnace' of the ship; Darryl asks 'A furnace? How old is this ship?'

Michael · Darryl:The Titanic argument: Darryl says 'everyone in the engine room drowned.' Michael: 'No. Thank you, spoiler alert.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'That's a stupid analogy.' Michael: 'Well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.'

Jim · Michael · Darryl:Jim's answer to 'who would you save if the office is on fire?': 'The customer, because the customer is king.' Michael: 'Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.' Darryl: 'He's just sucking up.'

Michael · Darryl · Dwight:Michael tries to get fire eaters in a paper warehouse; Dwight: 'Actually, it's owned by Beekman Properties and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.'

Darryl:Darryl's confessional: He taught Michael fake slang ('fleece it out,' 'going mach five,' 'dinkin flicka') — 'things us Negroes say'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl then teaches Michael the handshake — implied visual gag of Michael executing an elaborate fake handshake with complete sincerity

Darryl:Darryl introduces himself: 'Hey, Mike. Darryl. Noble Darryl.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael tells Darryl 'Don't worry about me. I'll land on my feet' — Darryl replies 'I wasn't.'

Darryl:Darryl saves the party with his synthesizer; crowd chants 'Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!'

Michael · Darryl:Michael asks Darryl if he forwarded the photo and if he got the 'second e-mail explaining the first e-mail was a mistake'; Darryl's responses — all variations of 'Yep' and 'Uh-uh' — confirm everything has gone wrong

Darryl:Roy's companion says 'Oh, brother.' in response to Roy's honeymoon argument

Michael · Darryl:Michael changes the meeting location from his office to the conference room, then back, then to the conference room again — frantic indecision visible in the staging

Michael · Darryl:Michael employs tactic #14 — declining to speak first — resulting in a long, excruciating silent standoff with Darryl that Darryl breaks effortlessly

Darryl · Michael:Mid-negotiation, Darryl notices Michael's pants: 'Are you wearing lady clothes?' Michael: 'No, this is a power suit.' Darryl: 'That there's a woman's suit.'

Pam · Michael · Darryl:Pam confirms the suit is women's clothing; the label is revealed: 'MISSterious.' Michael: 'And it is mysterious, because the buttons are on the wrong side. That's the mystery.'

Darryl · Pam · Michael:The group catalogs the suit's features: shoulder pads, fancy lining, no pockets. Michael: 'No, they don't. See?' — showing the empty pant legs

Michael · Darryl:Darryl slides his salary request across the desk; Michael reads it: 'Oh... Come on... be serious.' Darryl: 'I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael proves his salary by showing his pay stub — Darryl is shocked: 'Mike, this is barely more than I make. You've been here ten years, dog.' Michael: '14 years.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head: 'Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl tells Michael he needs to get his own raise: 'You gotta call your girl... and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.'

Darryl · Michael:That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the working man more than the boss. / Well, what am I supposed to do? / Get your own raise.

Michael · Darryl:Michael: 'I am makin' it happen... Sergeant.' — responding to Darryl's 'Make it happen, Captain.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael quotes Chris Tucker's line from Rush Hour to Darryl — 'Don't ever touch a black man's radio!' — then immediately clarifies he won't touch Darryl's radio

Darryl · Michael:Darryl coaches Michael before the Jan negotiation: 'Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.' Michael repeats it enthusiastically.

Darryl:Darryl's talking head: 'Yeah. I taught Michael some new phrases. I want him to get the raise. I... just can't help myself.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?' Michael: 'I can, and I have.' Darryl: 'No, no, no, no, no, no! I said should you?'

Michael · Darryl · Madge:Michael claims 'Pudge' has also driven the forklift; Darryl corrects: 'Madge.' Michael: 'I thought your name was Pudge.' Madge: 'No, it's always been Madge.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'Um, her. Her, yes, "her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl's story about his ankle injury: Michael kicked the ladder out and yelled 'Hey, Darryl, how's it hangin'?' — delivered as a serious workplace safety anecdote.

Michael · Darryl:Michael: 'Five bucks says it's over 50' (about arm amputations from bailers). Darryl: 'You really wanna bet?' ... 'Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?'

Michael · Darryl:Michael: 'It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world...' Darryl: 'It would be the worst thing in the world, it would! What the hell is wrong with this man?'

Michael · Darryl:Darryl: 'Heart disease kills more people than bailers.' Michael: 'That's called having a fat butt, Michael.' Darryl: 'Mmm, no, no, it's...' Michael: 'Yeah, yeah. That's fat butt disease. That's what you're suffering from?'

Kelly · Ryan · Michael · Darryl:Kelly calls a warehouse worker 'Sea Monster'; Ryan says 'Dude, please, tell your girl to shut up'; Michael says 'Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.' Kelly: 'Are you kidding me?' Darryl: 'All right, we out of here.'

Darryl:Darryl's speech: 'You live a sweet little NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.'

Darryl · Warehouse Workers:Darryl: 'This is just offensive.' / Other worker: 'At least we're outside.' / Worker: 'Hey, check it out. There's a castle over there.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael from the roof: 'You told me that I lead a... a cushy, wimpy, NERF life.' Darryl: 'Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man.' Michael: 'It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'You're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.' Michael: 'Do you really mean that?' Darryl: 'I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.' Michael: 'I'm braver than you?' Darryl: 'Way braver!'

Darryl:Darryl: 'I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head: 'Well, if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion, then I'm Sikh. But I also like hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.'

Michael · Darryl:Darryl feeds a peanut to a squirrel during Michael's speech. Michael: 'Darryl, what are you doing?' / 'I'm giving him a peanut.' / 'No, don't give him... Just... Did you hear anything I said?' / 'Look how happy he is.' / 'He's happy because he's insane. You know what? That's a perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate.'

Michael · Darryl:Darryl feeding peanuts to the dog at the awareness event. Michael: 'No, don't give him... Did you hear anything I said?' Darryl: 'Look how happy he is.' Michael: 'He's happy because he's insane.'

Michael · Ryan · Darryl:Darryl is in the video conference meeting; Ryan: 'Why is Darryl here?' Michael: 'He works in the warehouse.' Ryan: 'I invited him.' Michael: 'It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs. This isn't information you need.' Darryl: 'This information here, yeah, you're right, I don't need this.'

Darryl · Kelly:Darryl to Kelly: 'But you need to access your un-crazy side. Otherwise maybe this thing has run its course.'

Darryl · Office:The Dunder Mifflin jingle: 'The people person's paper people' — Darryl's original song

Michael · Darryl:Michael: 'I was under the impression this was going to be a rap.' Darryl: 'What's rap?'

Darryl:Game, son! All right, let's run it back.

Jim · Darryl:Yes! Way to go! See that? / Yeah. The floppy-haired girl you date won a point. Nineteen serving four.

Michael · Darryl:Michael asks Darryl for gang advice: 'Have you ever been in a gang? It's an advice question, and if you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand. It's very, very personal.'

Michael · Darryl:Darryl confirms he was in a gang. Michael: 'Who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?' Darryl: 'Both.' Michael: 'God!'

Darryl:Darryl lists his gang affiliations: 'Both. Yeah them, and the Latin Kings, the Warriors... Newsies.'

Darryl:Darryl explains gang conflict resolution: 'In the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers. That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just start tickling him.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael: 'I would've never thought that... gangs would be tickling each other.' Darryl: 'Well, it's effective.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael shouts 'Everybody, I'm dating Barack Obama!' after noticing Darryl in a suit

Michael · Darryl:Michael: 'Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don't have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain't going to college.' Then: 'What college did you go to, Mike?'

Michael · Darryl · Justin:Michael introduces Darryl: 'This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big?'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head: 'I'm really proud of you.' — after watching Kevin drive away

Michael · Darryl:Michael approaches Darryl calling himself a 'baby-daddy' and asking for advice 'from one baby-daddy to another'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'Hell, yeah. You know why? 'Cause that was my baby.' / Michael: 'You should stop calling yourself baby-daddy.' / Darryl: 'Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael points to the watermelon: 'You feel connected to this?' Darryl: 'That's not a baby.' Michael: 'You want to hold me, see how you feel?' Darryl: 'Could I? No.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael points to the watermelon on Darryl's desk: 'You feel connected to this?' Darryl: 'That's not a baby.' Michael: 'You want to hold me, see how you feel?' Darryl: 'Could I?' Michael: 'No.'

Darryl · Roy:She thought I was McNabb. / I can see that.

Michael · Darryl:Michael is taking only a lamp from Holly's apartment — Darryl points out there's another dolly in the truck

Michael · Holly · Darryl:Holly decides to ride back with Darryl instead of staying — Michael has to put her things back in the truck

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'I know it's hard, Mike. Breakups hurt.' / Michael: 'We didn't break up.' / Darryl: 'Looked like it.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl teaches Michael to sing the blues; Michael waits too long, misses his cue, plays harmonica at wrong time

Darryl:'Never mind.' — Darryl gives up on teaching Michael the blues

Darryl:Is that supposed to impress me? [reaction beat — likely Darryl's camera look or flat stare at Jim's push-up space]

Darryl:Darryl calls his daughter about Princess Unicorn: 'No, no, no. I'm just curious if you heard of it.' Then: 'This is great. My ex-wife's gonna be so pissed. For once, daddy's gonna be a hero.'

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight refuses to sell Darryl his last Princess Unicorn — Darryl begs desperately, repeating 'I need the doll' several times — Dwight sells it to him for $400

Darryl:Darryl opens the doll and it's a different version than he wanted — but he says 'it's even better than the one I wanted' — clearly lying through tears

Darryl · Dwight · Toby:Darryl confronts Dwight and Toby: 'You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass and told her to eat dog food?'

Darryl · Dwight:Darryl: 'And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister.' Dwight: 'No judge is gonna believe that.'

Darryl · Andy:Darryl to Andy about Erin: 'Believe me, if I got that card, we'd be in the bathroom doing it right now.'

Jo · Darryl:We are going to tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen. / Maybe you should be doing your sketchin' upstairs.

Darryl:Mike, I have to ask you to leave so that I can learn about this tiny television.

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin refuses a cookie from the tray: 'Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.' / Darryl: 'I brought those in. It's my birthday.'

Michael · Darryl:Phone call scene: customer service rep says 'White people, right?' — Michael enthusiastically agrees, then the rep notes maybe the angry customer wasn't white. Michael: 'Well, you can kind of tell from the voice.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael tells Darryl he probably gets pulled over for his race; Darryl says they say it's because of texting. Then Michael tells him he's probably paid less — Darryl makes $17/hour for phone calls. Michael: 'A goat with a tape recorder could—'

Darryl:Darryl: 'I got my whole life to be a minority executive. I only have about a year left in these knees, though.'

Darryl:Darryl's confessional: 'Two years ago Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment. Almost lost my job. I said, "Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's going to be an opportunity."'

Darryl:Darryl's confessional: 'I don't have a plan exactly, more of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz.' (then scats '♪ Andy don't mess with me ♪')

Andy · Darryl:Andy introduces Darryl on the whistleblower video: 'This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing.' Darryl's confessional: 'I don't want to prank anymore. Things get real. I'm going to stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day.'

Pam · Darryl:Pam's sleep deprivation plot: 'I don't think I'm gonna make it.' / Darryl reveals the warehouse workers have a secret nap spot — dark room, heat from the backup generator. 'Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home.'

Jo · Darryl:Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire? / Yeah, I did. / I was talking to this girl at a bar. I think she could sense my sadness. And I found out too late that she was a copyeditor at the Trib.

Jim · Darryl · Michael:I have never seen so many parking tickets. / All right, this is just messed up. / No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up.

Ryan · Darryl:Mike, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat. / Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl. / That's just what we need, another black man in prison, you know?

Darryl · Nick · Michael:Hey, listen, man, you can't take it personally. / You call me 'man'? I just said my name, just now. Did you forget it already? / No, sport.

Andy · Darryl:Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down and children to die. / Does that make me a hero? / No, it does not. / Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either. / It does!

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam · Ryan · Creed · Andy · Oscar · Angela · Kevin · Darryl · Erin:The entire cold open lip sync/dance performance to 'Nobody But Me' — the whole office is participating in an elaborately choreographed music video, including Dwight with a CamelBak hydration pack, Creed awkwardly appearing, and Ryan ignoring it for his laptop

Luke · Oscar · Kevin · Darryl:Luke (the new assistant) arrives with coffee and calls out nicknames: 'Here you go, big 'O'... Tiny... Darryl Hannah.'

Darryl · Luke:Darryl to Luke: 'Hey... turn off the chumbawamba and scram, twerp.'

Darryl:Darryl threatens: 'You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling AAA.'

Darryl:Darryl's nephew analogy: 'Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? 'Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool, but he can't come in my house.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'Cover his ass like tidy whities.' Michael: 'I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.' Darryl: 'Was how I put it on clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying?'

Unknown · Darryl · Andy:Office reaction to the spanking: 'There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.' 'That was awesome.' 'Texas justice.' 'Yeah, your nephew is so lame. He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter.'

Darryl · Jim · Michael:Darryl insists the world-class Sweeney Todd actor is his plumber; others dismiss him, then his bio confirms he is, in fact, a plumber discovered at karaoke who never even auditioned

Darryl:Darryl at the cast party: 'Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.'

Darryl:'This plumber has pipes.' — Darryl's compliment to the Sweeney Todd actor

Jim · Darryl:Jim recognizes Darryl's idea: 'That's like exactly sort of the idea that you had.' Darryl: 'Yes, I do remember saying something like that to you.'

Jim · Darryl:Jim apologizes to Darryl. Darryl: 'I'm just glad we're gonna try it out.' Jim: 'Really? We're good? We're cool.' Darryl: 'Okay.' Then Darryl notices: 'What's that in your shirt?' Jim: 'Oh, that's a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.'

Michael · Darryl · Erin:Michael has Erin put Darryl on speakerphone — Darryl says 'I'm good' instead of coming out to the office.

Michael · Darryl:Michael to Darryl: 'You need to stop being so shy. Come out here and embrace who you really are, Superstar.'

Darryl · Michael:Michael's big speech about screwing corporate — then Darryl cuts him off: 'Corporate stole nothing. Okay? Darryl brought this idea to me, and then I told them, giving Darryl full credit. So no need to screw corporate.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael dressed as Darryl, confronting Darryl directly at the costume catwalk: 'Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk!'

Michael · Dwight · Darryl:Ouija board spells out 'A-S-S': Michael's question to the spirit world was whether Darryl is a bad friend, and the Ouija board begins spelling out a word. Michael reads: 'A... S... S...' then deflects: 'H... E... T. An asset. Aah!'

Michael · Darryl · Dwight · Gabe:Gabe's chain-of-command meeting devolves into an argument about a hat. Michael: 'We will put it in a hat and have Erin pick it out of the hat.' Darryl: 'I don't understand the point of the hat.' Michael: 'You're right. We don't need a hat.' Dwight: 'I am not budging on the hat issue.'

Michael · Darryl · Gabe:Gabe/Michael/Darryl chain of command negotiation ends with the hat proposal: 'We will put it in a hat and then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat and let her decide.' Darryl: 'I don't understand the point of the hat.' Michael: 'You're right, we don't need a hat.' Gabe: 'I am not budging on the hat issue.'

Andy · Darryl:Andy: 'And that's actually when I heard eight male voices singing, unencumbered by instruments.' / Darryl: 'So is becoming CEO of this company your a cappella group?'

Andy · Darryl:Andy texts Darryl to inform him that he and Michael are wearing the same tie

Darryl:'There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. They'd all say the same thing: "I'm comin' over, baby." And I would text back. "BTB."'

Andy · Darryl:Andy texts Darryl 'Megan Fox?' with a question mark

Darryl · Andy:Darryl: 'You're one bad text away from gettin' blocked.' Andy: 'Yes, but one good text away from a high five.' / 'You accept these terms?' / 'It's on.'

Andy · Darryl:Darryl receives Andy's text: 'Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action.'

Andy · Darryl:Darryl goes to the parking lot, Andy warns him he'll scare the pigeons away, and the final image is presumably two men crouched watching pigeons

Michael · Darryl · Phyllis · Stanley · Angela · Oscar · Erin:The entire office Christmas photo shoot where Michael keeps trying to get everyone to jump simultaneously and failing each time

Darryl:Darryl's confessional about TiVoing iCarly for his daughter and praising 'the friend with the video camera. He's got a nice way of talking.'

Darryl:Darryl argues on the phone with his ex in front of the Christmas tree lot: 'This is my daughter too, Justine!'

Michael · Darryl · Jada:Michael as Santa greets Jada. Jada: 'He doesn't look like Santa Claus.' Darryl: 'No, he doesn't.' Michael: 'I told her Santa would be here.' 'Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date.'

Michael · Jada · Darryl:Michael's Grinch subplot: he dresses as the Grinch and hides the star, then poses a political trivia question as Jada's 'challenge': 'How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed?'

Darryl · Jada:Darryl takes Jada to the vending machine room as a wonderland: 'You have a whole room of vending machines.' Jada: 'I know. Isn't it something?' She can't decide what she wants.

Darryl:Darryl's resolution exchange: 'Wait, wait, wait. It's that easy? That's not a resolution. That's just something I wanna do. Okay, fine. I can do that.'

Darryl:Darryl's imagined bookstore pickup script: 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head: 'My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the book store, I can eat my PB and J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.'

Darryl · Andy · Michael:Darryl: 'All right, we should divide up by section. I will take Romance and Travel.' Andy: 'I'll take the entirety of the second floor.' Michael: 'I got that cutie behind the counter.'

Andy · Darryl · bookstore employee:Andy and Darryl pretend to be bookstore employees: 'Well, if you read a lot you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.' Darryl: 'Oh, I work at a paper company. Those things terrify me. They could put us out of business.' Worker: 'Heard those machines hold, like, 10 books at once.' 'Actually, it's 10,000.' 'Holy [bleep]. What?'

Darryl:'So light. Like a croissant.' — Darryl holding the e-reader with wonder

Andy · Darryl:After pretending to be employees: 'Why did we pretend like we work here?' 'Is that what we were doing?' 'I don't know...'

Andy · Darryl:'How'd you do?' 'Good. Yeah. Good, real good. Yeah. I think we kind of nailed it. Yeah, pretty much. But you know, this place is kind of tapped out.'

Michael · Andy · Darryl:Michael's book haul: 'What'd you get? A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.'

Darryl:Darryl on the day-shift strip club: 'I got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.'

Darryl:Darryl's rapid-fire list of who goes roller skating: 'Single moms at a skating party. Sweet 16, 10-year reunion parties. Chicks fall down, need help getting back up. Roller derby practice.'

Darryl:Darryl reports going to the strip club: 'I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.' Darryl then asks 'So that's it, guys?' with apparent disappointment at his own day.

unknown · Darryl · Andy · Michael:'If you want I can put on the strobe.' ALL: 'Yeah!'

Darryl:Not once have I used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason... Me.

Darryl · Michael:Darryl reads a sympathy card that says 'Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted.'

Darryl:More card messages are read aloud: 'Have fun today, big guy,' 'Oh yeah, party time, whoop-whoop,' 'Hooray, live it up big D,' 'Time to celebrate. You deserve this.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael delivers 'birthday punches' to Darryl — 'One, two, three...' through '25' — while apologizing repeatedly

Darryl · Michael · Unknown Offscreen Voice:Birthday punches — someone off-screen begins counting birthday punches as a 'joke' while Michael apologizes

Erin · Andy · Darryl:Erin and Andy's whispering scene in Darryl's office — whispering about whether Darryl can hear them, then testing by calling him a jerk, then immediately apologizing.

Michael · Darryl:Cherokee Jack's training method: 'Mop the ice.' / 'I'm not here to learn how to mop, I'm here to learn how to hockey.' / 'Mop it.'

Darryl · Pam:Darryl discovers Pam found Andy's computer 'in the warehouse.' Darryl: 'I know every inch of that warehouse... Maybe you could go back down there and find me some extra sick days.'

Pam · Darryl:Pam and Darryl negotiating sick days: 'I think I saw one sick day.' 'I think maybe I saw five.' 'Three.' Pam's talking head: 'I'm full-on corrupt.'

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:Andy proposes making the Dallas board game 'a little interesting' after Kevin reveals there are no instructions

Kevin · Andy · Darryl:Kevin plays a 'blackmail card' and 'proxy meeting card' in the same turn in Dallas board game; Andy says you can't do both

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:Andy plays a 'share the wealth' card from The Game of Life — 'It was in the box.'

Darryl · Andy:Darryl: 'No, but that's not fair.' Andy: 'Well, that's Dallas.' Darryl: 'Dallas indeed.'

Kevin · Andy · Darryl:Kevin's Dallas endgame: 'Hey, guys, it's my turn.' / 'You can't go. You're dead. I shot you five moves ago.'

Darryl:Darryl's button on the Dallas sequence: 'And that is Dallas.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael gives Darryl his only copy of 'Somehow I Manage' — a chapter called 'Gum' with one sentence: 'Everybody likes the guy who offers them a stick of gum.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'Mmm-hmm. It's true.' — about the gum sentence

Michael · Darryl:Michael asks to use the warehouse baler as his last wish. Darryl says no. Michael says 'Darryl said I could use the baler because I'm leaving.' Darryl: 'No.'

Jim · Darryl:Darryl describes Pam's future book series: 'Quirky tenth grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes the horse flyer.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head: 'The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say. And soon, I will say it in Chinese.'

Darryl:Did they say what caused it? 'Cause I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.

Darryl:I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim, and it got to me.

Darryl:Darryl's talking head about his advantages for the manager job, listing credentials, then ending with a beat: '...And it doesn't hurt that I'm [pause] black!'

Darryl · Jim · Toby:Darryl's interview awkwardness: candidate is already talking casually ('I think we make a good fit') before the interview has started, then claims it was 'a little joke' when corrected.

Darryl · Jim · Toby:Darryl uses a warehouse fight as a teaching moment about 'actions and consequences of actions' — an extremely long, uncomfortable pause follows.

Jim · Darryl:Darryl is told that the other candidate is 'an amazing man. He's a Rhodes Scholar. He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser.'

Jo · Darryl:Jo reviews Darryl's resume: 'Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in 10 years at one company?' / Darryl: 'Yes, thanks to you who promoted me after we, uh, interfaced.'

Jo · Darryl · Dwight:'Coordinated and implemented receipt, storage, and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory.' / '2.5 billion, Darryl?' / 'Paper material, ma'am.' / 'Pieces of paper.' / 'Jo, may I speak to you for a second?' / 'Or what? You gonna shoot me?'

Andy · Darryl:Hoist him aloft! Come on, Darryl! Lift, lift, Darryl.

Darryl:Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got something much better... This soda. This is mine.

Andy · Erin · Darryl:The nickname chain: Erin calls Andy 'D Dog,' Andy approves it, tells Erin she's 'E Dog,' the whole office adopts dog names

Andy · Darryl:Andy describing sleeping with his ex-wife: 'Yeah, we had a few fights I suppose, but last night we put a lot of that to bed.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'I was just thinking about Robert. Man, what a boss. Just throws down goals, you know?' — clearly sycophantic with nothing of substance to add

Darryl · Val:Val catching Darryl apparently faxing (or doing something suspicious); his panicked 'Don't—' and disclaimer 'I'm using the fax. This isn't... No, wait. I'm not supposed to represent the company, right?'

Darryl · Justine:Darryl's new girlfriend Justine mistakes a random person for Darryl at the fax machine; Darryl talking-head: 'Rub a dub, dub, apricot scrub'

Darryl · Justine:Darryl leading Justine away with: 'I've been thinking about you all morning. I don't know what you did. I can barely walk today.'

Darryl:They won playing my birthday.

Andy · Darryl:Darryl not checking email until lunch — 'Four hour work week.' Andy: 'This is kind of time-sensitive.' Darryl: 'I got it. I'm doing it.'

Darryl:They guys did invite me out to celebrate, but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.

Darryl · Andy:Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.

Darryl · Job Applicant · Andy:Why do you want to work here? / I need a job. / It's not a good reason. / Good. Keeping them honest. Don't just take the first job that comes your way. 'Cause next thing you know, it's 10 years later, and you're still there.

Andy · Darryl:You could write your obituary tomorrow. It's not going to change. / Are we scaring them straight? I hope so. / Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.

Darryl:I've never been lucky. And I'm not talking about the lottery. I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at 35. / Who gets a soy allergy at 35? / And why is soy in everything?

Andy · Job Applicant · Darryl:Is everyone licensed? / Like a driver's license? / No, warehouse license. / Masters in warehouse sciences? / I feel that Darryl has talked about a license of some kind. Is this a joke? / No. Not joking. This is real. Painfully real, what is happening right now.

Darryl · Andy:Then I think you should fire me. / What are you talking about? I'm not going to fire you. / Yeah, just put me out of my misery.

Darryl · Andy:Make me manager or fire me. / I'm not going to give you my job. It's my job! I earned it! / And here's the thing. You weren't even next in line. I asked about you. I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people, and you hired Glenn, your buddy, to replace you in the warehouse. He was under-qualified. They saw that.

Nate · Darryl:Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem. It's just when there's a lot of noises... / Nate. Please. / Thank you.

Darryl · Andy:He died. / He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive.

Andy · Darryl · Unknown Interjector:And I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it? / What was... What was the last... I'm having a... / No part of this has anything to do with you.

Andy · Darryl:I didn't have time because of my daughter. But you had time for a softball clinic. And a Mediterranean cooking class. / Hey, I'm not going to tell you this stuff if you're going to throw it back in my face!

Darryl:My future's not going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's going to be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.

Darryl · Dwight:Darryl's response to Dwight's 'no burping, no slurping, chew thoroughly' lecture: 'What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head about Andy's family: 'I think if I had parents like that, I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too. Guess we found Andy's Rosebud.'

Oscar · Darryl:Oscar correcting Darryl's Citizen Kane interpretation — 'No, Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was. It just represented what was important to him as a child that he missed.' / 'Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree.' / 'No. You're wrong.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'I'm too hot anyway. My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn't that strange? I've never been there.'

Darryl · Andy:Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party? / November's sure creeping up, ain't it? You can't stop that month.

Darryl · Val:Warehouse safety meeting: 'Third—' / 'Who knows what the belt is for?' / 'It's for protecting my ass when you suckers lift more than you can handle.'

Darryl:It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.

Andy · Darryl:Did she have any last words? / That is messed up.

Kevin · Darryl:It's like a porno: Did anybody order a pizza? / It's not pizza. And we're not about to make love.

Darryl · Kevin:Bang out a few tunes / I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?

Darryl · Kevin · Andy:Nice scatting, man. I think I said 'doop' instead of 'boop' at one point. / Not bad, fellas. You're better than you look. / Screw you!

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:I had given up on hanging out with Robert, and now he wants to be in our band. And in a rock n' roll band, you're bonded for life. Usually that life is short and tragic. / That's okay, right? / Yeah, even cooler.

Darryl · Andy · Kevin:We had to leave because of creative differences. / Yeah, they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing. / Guys, this means... They're Kevin and the Zits now. / No, man... We are.

Andy · Jim · Darryl:Hunger for victory. Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride. / Hunger for hamburgers. / Hunger for chicken chimichangas.

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight shows his gym equipment: 'Gravel bucket squat yoke.' 'Dedicated phone book ripping station.' 'You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'Obviously, you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not gonna pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'Did you bring your passport with you?' Mystery character: 'Who walks around with their passport?' Darryl: 'Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.' Character: 'Have you had any?' Darryl: 'No.'

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight to Darryl at the gym: 'I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was? Eight minutes!'

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight: 'Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings?'

Darryl · Dwight:Darryl: 'It's Lejon Brames.' Dwight: 'That's what I said.' Darryl: 'Yeah.' [knowing look at camera]

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight to Darryl in the gym: 'This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.' Darryl: 'Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions, and I might not do what you say.'

Dwight · Darryl:This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked. / Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight: 'First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.' Darryl: 'Okay, I'm not doing that.'

Dwight · Darryl:Darryl has actually done the pelvic bowl stretch. Dwight: 'Darryl joined.' Darryl: 'Looks that way.' Dwight: 'Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.'

Dwight · Darryl:Off-screen voice screaming at Darryl during his workout: 'You're nothing! You're so weak! You call yourself a man? Huh?'

Darryl · Dwight:Darryl: 'This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.' Dwight: 'Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!'

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight: 'Come back and spot me.' Darryl agrees. Dwight: 'But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?' Darryl: 'To push this bar up.' Dwight: 'No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now.'

Darryl · Dwight:Darryl: 'To look good for Val.' Dwight: 'Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense.'

Darryl · Erin:Darryl explains the upstairs corporate party: 'There's a Christmas party upstairs tonight.' — Erin asks 'Isn't that just for popsicles?' / 'Popsicles?' / 'Yeah, like, upstairs people. 'Cause you got a stick up your butt.'

Gabe · Darryl:Gabe, overhearing the conversation: 'I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.' — then a pause as everyone registers this

Darryl:Darryl arrives at the upstairs party in a full tuxedo — visible reaction from the upstairs crowd

Robert California · Darryl:Robert California to Darryl: 'I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a Ghostbuster.'

Robert California · Darryl:Robert California: 'I thought you'd wear a sweater.' / Darryl: 'Since when does a sweater mean dressed up?' / Robert: 'Am I your grandson?'

Erin · Darryl:Erin to Darryl: 'How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.' — Darryl: 'A thousand.' / 'Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.' / 'Maybe you should mind your own business.' [pause] 'Just kidding.'

Darryl:Darryl to female partygoer: 'You know? Don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a... A princess.' [clearly reaching for the compliment, landing on 'princess' awkwardly]

Robert California · Darryl:Robert to Darryl about love advice: 'I've been married thrice, and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce. I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice.'

Robert California · Darryl:Robert to Darryl: 'When you do your make-up... how long does it take usually? 'Cause...' [implying Darryl takes too long on his makeup as relationship advice]

Darryl · Jim:Darryl: 'That doesn't sound right. I want to say Ladameon Washington.' / Jim: 'Wrong, for so many reasons.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'That's it, I'm going to go watch the boats on the river.'

Val · Darryl:Val: 'Hey Darryl, want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.' Darryl: 'No, I'm good. Thank you.' Val talking head: 'Does Darryl not swim?' Other voice: 'That's racist, I don't know.' Val: 'But I would say by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.'

Darryl:Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying 'Hey, we're uptight. You can't dance.' And then, you have to be like 'Oh, yeah, Mayor Stress? Well, watch this.' And then, we dance. Oh, how we dance.

Darryl:Sex also works

Darryl:Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until 6:00 twice to cover for you. / My wife got to the TV first. I had to sit through damn Rizzoli & damn Isles.

Darryl:Val knit me a beanie. But I can't tell if it's a 'we're just friends' beanie or a 'I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it popping' beanie.

Darryl:You like it? Super comfortable, like sweatpants for my head.

Darryl:It's really itchy, but to be fair, my head is constantly itching. So I can't really peg it on the hat.

Darryl:Wow, it's like the nation of Islam down here.

Val · Darryl:I like to knit. Don't hate. And who's that for? Oh, this is a gift for my man, Nate, here.

Nate · Darryl:Darryl, you shouldn't have. Can I open it? No, no, no, maybe just-- Ah, I can't wait, I'm sorry, I'm too excited.

Nate · Darryl:Wow, those are really nice. They're so elegant. / Cashmere. / How'd you know? / Just a hunch.

Darryl · Val's boyfriend Brandon:This is Darryl. / Oh, sorry, I asked for the main shipping number. I just need the address for the warehouse. I want to send my girlfriend some flowers. / Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?

Darryl:We're friends, we're friends.

Darryl · Val's boyfriend Brandon:Yeah, yeah, sorry, I'm just looking for a pen. / Why do you need a pen? / Back off. I got my reasons.

Darryl · Val:Nice flowers. / Thanks, they're from my mom. / Your mom? / Yeah. / Oh, so I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep-voiced woman. / Yeah, that's her. / She said her name was Brandon, I think. / Your mom's name is Brandon?

Darryl:I guess I figured out where I stand. This is a love beanie.

Darryl · Andy:Darryl gives Andy advice on Reception using a zoo field trip analogy: 'Andy, when I was 12 years old... I was in love with her. But when the sun came up I knew it wasn't real — because she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. Reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog.'

Darryl:Andy, when I was 12 years old we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up I knew it wasn't real because she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. Reception today but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog.

Darryl · Brandon · Val:Dwight introduces Brandon as Val's 'boyf' — Brandon confronts Darryl about sleeping with Val, Darryl denies it. 'Dude, you didn't tell me you were fucking Val.' 'High five.'

Kelly · Darryl · Others:Text analysis: 'The moon is huge tonight.' 'Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning.' 'Yeah, sorry.' 'That's regular text talk.'

Kelly · Darryl:'You're such a great friend,' dot dot dot dot dot. 'Five dots, Darryl? Are you kidding me? Three dots means to be continued, four dots is a typo, but five dots means: Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind.'

Darryl · Unknown:Darryl: 'Brandon, Darryl and me? That's ridiculous, right? Yeah. Totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I'm stranded on Shutter Island over here.' 'You look like Ed Harris. If they stretched him a little bit.'

Darryl · Kevin:Cookie-selling subplot begins: 'Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada. Want the same as last year?' 'Would if I could and I can, so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice.' 'I'll put you down for shortbreads.' 'Damn it!'

Toby · Darryl:Toby appears selling cookies for his daughter: 'Knock, knock. Hey, it's Sasha's first year in the troupe, so I'm selling cookies for her.' Darryl's reaction: 'No!' immediately and firmly.

Darryl:Darryl defending his cookie territory: 'This is the only place I interact with people. Can't you sell at... Your church or barbershop? Or... Chess club?'

Darryl:Darryl negotiates territory split: 'You can have sales, the annex, creed.' — listing Creed as a territory.

Darryl:Darryl's talking head about Kevin: 'All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined, and then some. When I first started selling cookies, he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.'

Darryl · Kevin:'It's not a scratch and sniff, Kev.' 'I know. But sometimes you still get a little something.'

Toby · Darryl:Darryl catching Toby poaching Kevin: 'Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin.' Darryl: 'You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See you next year, sport.'

Kevin · Darryl · Toby:Cookie competition escalation: Kevin's hunger level negotiations — '40 boxes?' / 'Hungrier.' / '50?' / 'Hungrier.' / 'Triple digits.'

Darryl · Toby:'I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens.' 'Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.'

Kevin · Darryl · Toby:Kevin demands: 'Now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?' Darryl: 'Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.' Toby: 'I refuse to be another man's horsey.'

Nellie · Darryl:Nellie and Darryl physically fight over an office chair

Darryl · Jim:Darryl: 'The warehouse isn't downstairs?' — delivered after being told it is, clearly just didn't know the layout after years of working there.

Darryl:Darryl declining the slackline: 'This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'I absolutely will do that.' — then Darryl's talking head: 'Guess I'll just head over to the mall, then. Buy Erin some sexy fun outfits. That Clark, huh?'

Darryl:Darryl talking head: 'Andy made me his consigliere, which means assistant regional manager. I guess he thought I would be into The Godfather because I'm black. Wrong. I'm into The Godfather because I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface because I'm black.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color.' — as his body compliment contribution

Darryl · Andy:Darryl answers Andy's 'which talented individual is related to the First Lady' with 'Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.'

Darryl · Andy:Darryl says to Andy about the slave ancestry: 'Right on, brother. Word dat.'

Andy · Darryl:Andy asks Darryl to help him 'po' mouth' — invent a hardscrabble childhood — and suggests 'My dad beat me, and I just left out the croquet of it all.' Or: 'I could just go all the way and say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?'

Andy · Darryl:Andy: 'Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here.' Then leaves for a walk.

Andy · Darryl:Andy tells Darryl his productivity suggestions are 'textbook assistant regional manager stuff' and that Darryl is doing 'none of the heavy lifting' — then announces he's going for a walk, apparently solving nothing.

Darryl:Darryl's talking head: 'It's not just today, it's every day. Seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.'

Jim · Darryl:Jim tells Darryl about a sports marketing job in Philly in cryptic, tantalizing terms, and Darryl responds with immediate enthusiasm: 'Hell yeah.' Jim: 'And it's in Philly.' Darryl: 'I love Philly.' 'It's not even a thought—' 'Not even a thought.'

Darryl · Jim:'It's not real until your wife is on board.' Darryl's line to Jim, who has clearly not told Pam about the Philly job.

Pam · Darryl:Pam's reaction as she clearly sees Jim returning from a Philly meeting: 'You know what this is all about?' Darryl: 'Yeah.' Pam: 'You too, huh?' The knowing exchange, then Pam's confessional pivot.

Dwight · Darryl:Darryl: 'Hey, Darryl. I'm just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead. You know, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning.'

Darryl · Dwight:Darryl egging Dwight on: 'Maybe get the cheeks.' / 'Is that where the nanobots like to come in?' / 'Get all the way up to your lip, yeah.'

Darryl:Darryl says 'I worked at a Jiffy Lube' in response to 'Don't you guys have a place where you spent summers and have all those memories?'

Jim · Darryl:Jim's attempt to use Darryl's Jiffy Lube to convince him Andy would feel the same about the boat, and Darryl's immediate rebuttal: 'I would if I owned it and I went broke.'

Darryl:I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song — No, Woman. No Cry.

Darryl:Andy, it's Darryl. Take your drawers off your head.

Darryl · Pete:Make it go taller. That's the idea. No, not taller this way, taller this way.

Darryl · Kevin:Kevin, I can hear you. Uh-huh.

Pete · Darryl:This next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex.

Darryl:Actually that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm going to let them think the other thing.

Pete · Kevin · Darryl:All right! Check it out. Yes! Like a phoenix from the ashes! Nice. Pretty soon, we're going to be at the ceiling.

Kevin · Pete · Darryl:Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Go, Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! [Kevin chanting, others joining]

Darryl:Darryl's confessional: 'Do you know who's not going to get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, aka the alleged Scranton Strangler. Because he's in prison for something he may not have done.'

Darryl:Darryl confessional: 'Jim, that guy. You got to stick to your word, like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy. What are you going to do? Lie to your buddy? That's awful.'

Darryl:Darryl confessional: 'Meredith is a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, an Emma Stone thing.'

Darryl:Darryl's breakup advice: 'Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you going to do, break up with me?" Like, as a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.'

Darryl:Darryl to his warehouse crew: 'No messing with the baler. And be cool in front of me and Val, we just broke up.'

Darryl · Unknown Warehouse Worker:Someone gives Darryl a beer at work, saying 'You need that more than me.'

Darryl:Darryl opens a warehouse meeting with: 'Let's talk pubes, people.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking-head: 'I'm back together with Val.' / [Beat.] 'Yay.'

Darryl:Darryl's realization: 'Kinda like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get... what do you get?' then spirals into 'Oh, my God! Why didn't I think of this?'

Erin · Darryl:Erin panics about receiving a box of pens: 'What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details... I haven't been trained for this.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head about his interview nerves: 'I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview.' Then: 'Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims.'

Darryl:Darryl on Jim: 'I love the guy, but he's basically gumby with hair.'

Darryl · Jim · Athlead employees:Darryl falters in his interview, and the Athlead employees go around the room explaining their diverse and impressive backgrounds: 'I was a newspaper editor. Science teacher. Volleyball coach. I work at a home shopping network. I'm a lawyer.' Then Jim: 'And as you know, I was a paper salesman.'

Athlead employee · Darryl:One employee advises Darryl: 'Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked.' The camera cuts to Darryl's reaction: 'Cool.'

Darryl:Darryl after his successful interview: 'I think it'd be like... you know what? I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot -- perfecto!'

Darryl:Darryl's reaction shot after his interview — the camera cuts to him looking stunned/happy, then we get the talking head: 'Oh, my God.'

Darryl:Darryl explains in talking head: 'They are the ones put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece. So I'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario.'

Darryl:Darryl celebrates his job offer: 'Two-one-five or die!' (the Philadelphia area code).

Darryl:Darryl's talking head after getting the job: 'Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That's how you do that, baby.'

Darryl · Dwight:Darryl reveals he's also working for Athlead — 'Yeah. Just weekends for now, but pretty soon I'm switching over.'

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight makes Darryl try to spell 'Loyalty' under pressure: 'L... It. LoYa V Loyaw'

Darryl:Darryl's immediately-after-meeting reaction: 'So, should we go call Jim and go tell him to go screw himself?'

Dwight · Darryl:Dwight: 'It can't be more fun than selling paper and paper products.' Darryl: 'It can.' Dwight: 'Are you pretending to be crazy?'

Darryl:'I'm going to miss the paper business.' — Darryl, watching the milkshake replay

Erin · Darryl:Darryl, meet Bear-yl. / How much did you pay for that? / Nothing. Won him at the carnival. / Spent a ton on tickets, though.

Darryl:Erin was so excited about being sneaky sneaks, I went along with it. / Darryl, you are too much. / That guy's hilarious. He's here today.

Darryl:Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom. I'm couching it. Which usually means there are clothes all over the living room. And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?

Darryl:I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just he uses old T-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to 'soak.'

Jim · Darryl:I'm sorry about that. / It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes.

Jim · Darryl:Oh. It's your go-to-- oh, man, that's a bummer. / No big deal. / No big deal. / No, no, if it's a big deal, it's a big deal. No big deal. / No, no, no, no, you don't have to do that. Honestly, I don't mind.

Jim · Darryl:Did you want me to wash it for you or...? / I don't know. Are you gonna wash it, or are you gonna let it soak?

Jim · Darryl:Jim and Darryl's argument over the flour labeling — 'I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that, if I needed flour, I couldn't use that? / What you need flour for, Jim? / That's not the point. / What you making, bread? / No, I'm not making bread. / What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?'

Jim · Darryl:Jim/Darryl lunch break — Darryl brings out a tiny TV: 'I usually watch TV during my lunch break. It's cool?' / Jim: 'Yeah, cool.'

Darryl · Jim:All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, but just, you know, I get a little finicky about my stuff. That's all. / It's all good. / Are we all good? / We good. / What's that cooler? / Nothing. It's mine.

Darryl · Jim:What happened to my Tavis Smileys? / Oh, crap. Were those yours?

Darryl · Pam:Pam calls Darryl to get intel on Frank's truck. 'While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that?' / Yeah. I was kind of hoping you could. / I gotta go. Bye.

Jim · Darryl:Jim dumps the cooler of liquid/ice on Darryl as revenge/payback — 'Oh, come on. Uh. Oh! Damn. You wins.'

Jim · Darryl:How good did that feel? / It felt really good actually.

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin awkwardly asks Darryl to pretend to be a couple for the discount. Darryl flatly says 'No.' Then immediately says 'Yes. Yes. Why wouldn't I?'

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin tries to coach Darryl on pretending to be gay; Darryl snaps 'Stop talking about it. I said I'm fine with it.' Then they both look at the chocolates and simultaneously agree they're terrible.

Darryl · Kevin · Nail Salon Worker:Darryl and Kevin attempt to claim the couples discount. Worker: 'No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.' Darryl: 'We are together, romantically.' Worker flatly refuses.

Darryl:Darryl's speech to the nail salon worker: 'Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More in love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes and no kids, and we're taking our business elsewhere.'

Darryl:Darryl defending himself to Andy: 'Hey, boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks. I emailed him shots of my junk.'

Andy · Pete · Darryl:Andy: 'Great advice. Thank you. You can leave now.' / Pete tries to be earnest. Andy: 'Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.'

Darryl:Why is Phyllis so aroused? She's listening to Fifty Shades Of Grey. Well, there you go. That's muy caliente.

Jim · Darryl · Ryan Howard (athlete):Watch this. Eat fresh. Now, what does that make you think of? Subway sandwiches. Yeah. How? I didn't say 'Subway sandwiches.' It's called playing the subtext.

Jim · Darryl · Ryan Howard (athlete):I actually wrote a screenplay. It's called The Big Piece. Based on his nickname. I like it already.

Jim · Darryl · Ryan Howard (athlete):"Together we will win this baseball game against the Evil Space Yankees. Eat fresh." That'll pay for the exploding helicopter. Smart.

Jim · Darryl:I tell you what. It's really strong. Can't wait to read the rest of it later, see how it ends. It's so strong. Keep reading then.

Jim · Darryl · Ryan Howard (athlete):We can look into it. We'll look into it. We need Darth. We gotta get him. Go after Darth then. We're gonna go get him. That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go get him.

Andy · Jim · Darryl:Good night, Andy. Yeah. See ya. Oh! What?

Andy · Darryl:Are you in that paper documentary, too? Yup. You need an agent? No. I mean, you never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage. I was in The Wiz in high school.

Andy · Darryl:Darryl, what do I do? Hold up, I'm looking at my spit in the microscope.

Andy · Darryl:They want me to use real water in the eyewash scene. / So? / I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eyedropper.

Andy · Darryl:Do you believe in me? / I believe you.

Darryl · Andy:Darryl to Andy: 'Show business is cold. Let's say you get a job, which you probably won't. They're not gonna cut you any slack. You're meant for a job with lots and lots of slack.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking-head: 'The male is a funny species. We don't just tell each other how we feel. That's chick stuff. So instead of saying, "Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don't want you to leave," you say something like, "Hey, Andy, you're making the worst mistake of your life. You're not talented."'

Andy · Darryl:After Darryl's sincere-in-code speech, Andy simply says: 'Right back at you, Darryl.' with full understanding, no irony.

Darryl · Andy:Darryl: 'Don't wanna see you in a porn next year.'

Darryl:Darryl reveals he's been secretly moving furniture: 'Delivered all my furniture to Philly.' / 'I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.'

Darryl · Pam:Darryl's candid assessment of Jim's life choices: 'Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?' / 'That's what he says.' / 'If you say so.'

Darryl · Warehouse workers:Darryl's non-goodbye catches up with him: warehouse workers drag him upstairs; he narrates 'So, I'm going upstairs.'

Kevin · Darryl · Meredith · Others:The office employees mob Darryl with requests for his final hours: one-on-one lunch at Cugino's, van time listening to Zeppelin, recording his stories for '6 or 8 or 10 hours.' Kevin wants to watch an eHow video on Excel before scheduling Darryl's 12 hours in 90-minute segments.

Darryl · Office Staff:We want to dance with you. / You want to dance? / One dance. All of us together.

Darryl:Darryl's confessional about his goodbye dance: 'I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here.'

Andy · Darryl:Hey, man. How you doing? I didn't call 'cause I figured you changed your number. No, I didn't change the number. All good, though. Phone never rings.

Darryl:Oh, man! I never thought I'd say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow.

Darryl · Jim:Yeah, people hate you. / I'll go talk to the manager.

Darryl · Andy:You did good. Real good. / Thanks, Dad. Darryl.

Darryl · Creed:How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt, and how we made each other laugh, and how we got through the day. How did you do it? / Also how do cameras work?