Michael prepares himself for the good or bad news about Holly and her boyfriend. In an effort to be an "awesome" office manager, Pam decides to put up a resolution board for everyone to post their New Year's resolutions.
WAR
96.4
Wins Above Replacement
“Ultimatum” ranks #76 of 183 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 89.1 — Elite. The episode packs 79 scored jokes at 3.5 per minute, averaging 7.4 on craft and 7.1 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Dwight: 'One of our many recent good deeds, we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.'
Dwight Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Creed · Michael: Final scene: Creed finally doing a successful cartwheel — Michael coaches him: 'Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel... You know what? I'm gonna stay here as long as it takes. I really appreciate it. I'm gonna spot you.' Creed does it. 'What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.'
Creed: Creed's cartwheel attempt — 'One, two, three. I did it! I did a cartwheel.' — followed by apparent chaos offscreen
Creed Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Kevin: "No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party."
Kevin Deadpan/Understatement Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Creed: Creed confessional after the cartwheel: 'Lesson learned.'
Creed Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Standout Moments
Dwight: 'One of our many recent good deeds, we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.'
Dwight Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Creed: Creed's cartwheel attempt — 'One, two, three. I did it! I did a cartwheel.' — followed by apparent chaos offscreen
Creed Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Creed · Michael: Final scene: Creed finally doing a successful cartwheel — Michael coaches him: 'Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel... You know what? I'm gonna stay here as long as it takes. I really appreciate it. I'm gonna spot you.' Creed does it. 'What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.'
All Jokes — 79 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Dwight · Jim: Dwight presiding over a 'Knights of the Night' meeting in the office, reading official minutes aloud as 'Secretary Schrute'
Dwight: Dwight explains the Knights of the Night: 'We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels.'
Dwight Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jim · Dwight: Jim wanders into the Knights of the Night meeting claiming to look for his BlackBerry; Dwight immediately assumes Jim is there to mock him
Dwight: "No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs. Ha, ha, ha. Screw you."
Dwight Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dwight · Knight member · Jim: A fellow Knight mocks Jim doing an impression of their leader's 'weird voice': 'You gonna make fun of our leader's weird voice, huh? Dwight, don't be bothered...' — and Dwight snaps 'Over the line, Jim.'
Dwight · Jim: Dwight reads from the minutes: 'Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.' Jim: 'Oh, come on. That sounds awesome.' Dwight: 'It was pretty cool.' Jim: 'Was it?' Dwight: 'It was fun... It was pretty awesome.'
Dwight Jim Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Michael: Michael's talking head: 'January 3, 2011. A day which will live infamously.'
Michael Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Michael: Michael describes Holly as 'otherwise known as a living, breathing angel'
Michael Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Michael: Michael has made a video of himself talking himself down — 'nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down'
Michael Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Michael: On the self-help video, Michael-on-tape says: 'Holly is engaged to somebody else and you want to kill yourself. That may seem like a good idea, but it's not.'
Michael Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: Michael-on-tape says '...it's not' and present-Michael mishears it as 'snot,' starts laughing. 'Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot.'
Michael Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Pam · coworker: Pam introduces the Resolution Board — 'Wow, did your baby draw that? The glitter is blinding.'
Pam · unknown coworker: Pam's talking head: she mentions the cool office administrator Sue at Vance Refrigeration, then cut to: 'I know Sue, she's not that great. And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?'
Erin · Michael: Erin goes through happy/sad items: 'Sponge — sad. To soak up my tears.' / 'Gummy bears and gummy worms — bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.'
Michael · Erin: Ukuleles: Erin guesses 'Happy?' — Michael: 'Sad. Something to break.'
Michael · Erin: Michael: 'Two bottles of scotch. Both sad.' Erin: 'And did you get the tickets?' Michael: 'Two front row center to Paula Poundstone, live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite.'
Michael: Michael imagines being called up on stage by Paula Poundstone: 'I hope she doesn't call us up on stage, that would suck. Hey, you think you could do my job better? I don't know. What's your name? Michael.'
Michael Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential unknown: Talking head about Holly: 'if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life'
unknown Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement Michael · Holly: Holly arrives — Michael tries to see if she has a ring by manufacturing an elaborate mitten handshake sequence: 'Those are so fuzzy and warm. Let me feel those... Put her there. Give me a good firm one... You're hired.'
Jim · Michael: Jim to Michael, re: the thermostat scheme: 'Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat to 90? Smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.' Michael: 'Yes. No, what? Stop. Yes.'
Michael · Holly: Michael sees no ring on Holly's hand and realizes she's NOT engaged — 'Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum.' Holly: 'Yes, I told everyone.' Michael: 'Ha! Hey, right back at you, bitch.'
Michael: Michael's pure joy explosion — 'Happy, happy, happy, happy!' followed by a physical freakout requiring multiple people to restrain him
Michael Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Michael · colleague: 'Wait a second. Are you listening to music?' — Michael has headphones in during his emotional breakdown and is ignoring advice
Michael · various employees: Office dance-off erupts in the bullpen — 'Michael dance-off!' with various employees joining in
Dwight · Pam: Dwight refuses to write a resolution: 'Not doing that.' Pam: 'Why not?' Dwight: 'I've achieved plenty, and there's no better than the best.'
Dwight Pam Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Kevin · Pam: Kevin's resolution card: 'Learn to cook for one.' Talking head: 'I love cooking. But I always find myself throwing out half the food... So I figured it's time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.' 'Well, maybe you'll meet someone.' 'No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.'
Kevin Pam Cringe/Discomfort Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Angela · Jim: Angela's resolution: 'Make time for romance.' Jim: 'Who's the senator?' Angela: 'My boyfriend.' Jim: 'Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused 'cause you accidentally wrote The senator.'
Kevin: "No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party."
Kevin Deadpan/Understatement Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Darryl: Darryl's resolution exchange: 'Wait, wait, wait. It's that easy? That's not a resolution. That's just something I wanna do. Okay, fine. I can do that.'
Darryl Character Comedy Observational Michael · Andy: Michael's resolution: 'Meet a loose woman.' Andy immediately: 'Oh, God. That's a good one. Yeah? You know what? That's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.'
Darryl: Darryl's imagined bookstore pickup script: 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa.'
Darryl Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Darryl: Darryl's talking head: 'My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the book store, I can eat my PB and J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.'
Darryl Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Michael · Holly · Kelly: Holly has a new phone; Michael does an elaborate E.T. bit to communicate with her. 'E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone? Holly misses old phone.' Holly plays along. Kelly: 'Oh, God. Please stop.'
Jim: Jim's phone call with Pam — clearly a domestic conversation about movies — ending with 'I love you, too.' The camera lingers on the phone.
Jim Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement Michael · Jim: Michael to Jim about Holly: 'Do you think she's already dating a different A.J.?' Jim: 'I don't think so.'
Michael: Michael: 'she would think of me as her friend. Oh, hi, friend.' — said with complete horror
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Michael · Jim · Pam: Jim suggests Pam talk to Holly; Michael: 'You think she'd talk to you?' Jim: 'Why wouldn't she?' Michael: 'That's true, she's really nice. She'd talk to anybody.'
Darryl · Andy · Michael: Darryl: 'All right, we should divide up by section. I will take Romance and Travel.' Andy: 'I'll take the entirety of the second floor.' Michael: 'I got that cutie behind the counter.'
Andy · Darryl · bookstore employee: Andy and Darryl pretend to be bookstore employees: 'Well, if you read a lot you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.' Darryl: 'Oh, I work at a paper company. Those things terrify me. They could put us out of business.' Worker: 'Heard those machines hold, like, 10 books at once.' 'Actually, it's 10,000.' 'Holy [bleep]. What?'
Darryl: 'So light. Like a croissant.' — Darryl holding the e-reader with wonder
Darryl Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Andy · Darryl: After pretending to be employees: 'Why did we pretend like we work here?' 'Is that what we were doing?' 'I don't know...'
Andy · Darryl: 'How'd you do?' 'Good. Yeah. Good, real good. Yeah. I think we kind of nailed it. Yeah, pretty much. But you know, this place is kind of tapped out.'
Michael · Andy · Darryl: Michael's book haul: 'What'd you get? A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.'
Michael: Michael approaches a woman reading alone: 'Follow my lead. Hey, want some company? Want some company?' — two identical approaches to two different women
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Running Gag Pam · Holly: Pam asks Holly: 'Not even for a week to make him buy you a present?'
Dwight: Dwight at the strip club entrance: 'I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.'
Dwight Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Darryl: Darryl on the day-shift strip club: 'I got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.'
Darryl Observational Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Darryl: Darryl's rapid-fire list of who goes roller skating: 'Single moms at a skating party. Sweet 16, 10-year reunion parties. Chicks fall down, need help getting back up. Roller derby practice.'
Darryl Character Comedy Escalation Erin: Erin's resolution update: 'My goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.'
Erin Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Gabe · Erin: Gabe intercepts the gift from Sabre meant for Erin — 'Intercepted. Hey... Gabe.' 'Oops-e-doops.'
Gabe Erin Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Creed: Creed's resolution: 'I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual, like. Not make a big deal out of it. But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.'
Creed Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Kevin: Kevin's resolution confession: 'Since last year I ate none.' (re: vegetables)
Kevin Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dwight · Michael: Dwight confesses he had a sip of coffee but insists it's fine: 'with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.' Then: 'Next year? Come on. I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that?'
Michael: Michael: 'I made a resolution to floss. And I did it. 12:01, January 1st. Bam! Blood everywhere.'
Michael: Michael snaps at everyone failing their resolutions: 'What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott.' — then orders Erin to get vegetables and Creed to do a cartwheel immediately
Michael · Creed: Creed: 'Well, I can't. I don't know how.' Michael: 'You're just going to somersault around for the rest of your life. And you know what's gonna be on your tombstone? Loser.' Creed: 'My tombstone's already made, thank you.'
Kevin · Gabe · Michael: Kevin being force-fed broccoli: 'Why are you eating stem first?' Kevin: 'This is a new food for me. How else should I eat it?' Gabe: 'The other way.'
Kevin · Michael: Kevin mid-broccoli: 'Can I get some Cheez Whiz? Or Hollandaise?' Michael: 'No Cheez Whiz, no Hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on, here comes the airplane. There you go.'
Kevin · Michael: Kevin: 'Okay, I ate the fluffy part. Can I be done?' Michael: 'Let me see if you swallowed it. Open your mouth. Under your tongue.'
Kevin · Michael · Pam: After the broccoli ordeal: Kevin asks for candy; Michael refuses; then: 'I'll get him water.' / 'Oh, my God!'
Michael · Holly: Michael sets up an apology meeting and says 'I thought there should be an HR rep here for this' — implying Holly being HR makes his apology to Creed and Kevin somehow need oversight
Kevin: Kevin: 'It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.'
Kevin Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Michael's apology: 'You loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.'
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Michael: Michael to Kevin and Creed in the apology: 'you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line'
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Creed · Michael: Creed: 'Okay, Michael, no offense. But you need to get your own life.' Michael: 'You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends.' Creed: 'I don't think I'm there yet, boss.'
Ryan: Ryan is playing guitar and a bystander asks 'Hey, it's just you. Anything you want to hear?' Ryan: 'Dave Matthews Band. No hits, deep tracks only.' Person leaves. Ryan: 'I said, no hits.'
Ryan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Kevin · Ryan: Kevin interrupts Ryan's artistic monologue: 'Hey, Ryan. How's your fart project coming?' Ryan: 'That's real, real classy, Kevin.'
Kevin · Ryan: Kevin claps back at Ryan's 'real, real classy': 'Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?' Ryan: 'Me.' Kevin: 'Kevin, don't.' 'Come on.'
Meredith · Ryan: Meredith announces her resolution was 'to get more attention.' Ryan immediately: 'Nope, she's lying.'
Pam · Meredith: Pam announces she might be pregnant mid-caffeine-discussion. Everyone reacts. Meredith: 'Oh, my resolution was to get more attention.' — reveals the resolution was actually made up on the spot in response to Pam's pregnancy news
Creed: Creed confessional after the cartwheel: 'Lesson learned.'
Creed Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Andy: Andy at the roller rink met a man named Andy who 'roller skates like a Greek God' — his resolution to meet women resulted in befriending a man
Andy Character Comedy Misdirection Darryl: Darryl reports going to the strip club: 'I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.' Darryl then asks 'So that's it, guys?' with apparent disappointment at his own day.
Darryl Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Callback unknown · Darryl · Andy · Michael: 'If you want I can put on the strobe.' ALL: 'Yeah!'
Michael: Michael's talking head resolution: 'My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.'
Michael Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Holly: Holly alone, repeating 'we're gonna be just fine' until it stops sounding like words: 'Going to be just fine. Just fine, just fine, just fine.'
Holly Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Top Episodes — The Office
