Michael prepares himself for the good or bad news about Holly and her boyfriend. In an effort to be an "awesome" office manager, Pam decides to put up a resolution board for everyone to post their New Year's resolutions.
WAR
40.7
Wins Above Replacement
“Ultimatum” ranks #100 of 183 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 77.5 — Great. The episode packs 55 scored jokes at 2.5 per minute, averaging 6.8 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Creed: One, two, three. I did it. I did a cartwheel. Fuck you! Fuck you! Oh, God! Okay, that's it. God!
Creed Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Creed: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual, like. Not make a big deal out of it. But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
Creed Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Dwight: One of our many recent good deeds, we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.
Dwight Misdirection Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Dwight · Jim: What are you gonna do now? You gonna make fun of our leader's weird voice, huh? 'Dwight, don't be bothered...' Over the line, Jim.
Dwight Jim Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Creed · Darryl: What a rush! That's all I had to do all year. Congratulations. All right. Well, all right, see you tomorrow.
All Jokes — 55 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Dwight: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels.
Dwight Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Dwight: One of our many recent good deeds, we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.
Dwight Misdirection Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Dwight: I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs. Ha, ha, ha. Screw you.
Dwight Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Dwight · Jim: What are you gonna do now? You gonna make fun of our leader's weird voice, huh? 'Dwight, don't be bothered...' Over the line, Jim.
Dwight Jim Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Dwight · Jim: Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag. Oh, come on. That sounds awesome. It was pretty cool. Was it? It was fun. It was... It was pretty awesome.
Michael: Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel
Michael Character Comedy Observational Michael: If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down.
Michael: Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said, 'It's snot.' I'm so sorry.
Michael Wordplay/Pun Cringe/Discomfort Michael: I was just thinking about snot.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Callback Angela: Wow, did your baby draw that? The glitter is blinding.
Angela Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Angela: And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?
Angela Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Michael: Sponge. Sad. To soak up my tears. Gummy bears and gummy worms. Bears sad, worms happy.
Michael Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: Ukuleles. Happy? Sad. Something to break.
Michael Misdirection Character Comedy Michael: I hope she doesn't call us up on stage, that would suck. 'Hey, you think you could do my job better?' 'I don't know.' 'What's your name?' 'Michael.'
Michael Observational Character Comedy Jim: Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life.
Jim Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: What happened? Is there a ring? So, high five me. We're back. To a happy... Woo! Look at those. Mittens. Those a present?
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Misdirection Michael: Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put her there. Give me a good firm one. Ooh, that's a good, firm handshake. You're hired.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Michael: Want me to crank the thermostat to 90? Smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.
Michael Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: Hey, right back at you, bitch.
Michael Character Comedy Misdirection Michael · Jim: Michael and Jim dance celebration with escalating moves
Ryan: 'Learn to cook for one.' Yeah, I love cooking. But I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare.
Ryan Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Ryan · Pam: Well, maybe you'll meet someone. No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.
Angela · Oscar: Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused 'cause you accidentally wrote 'The senator.'
Kevin: My resolution is 'Meet a loose woman.'
Kevin Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Darryl: 'Hey, what book is that?' 'Cool, let's hang out tonight.' 'Sex already? Whoa.'
Darryl: 2011 is coming up all Darryl.
Darryl Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Michael · Holly: E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone? Holly misses old phone. Why? New phone is confusing, gets bad reception. Oh, bummer. Bummer. Reese's pieces. Reese's pieces? Oh, God. Please stop.
Holly: No. Don't go see that one. I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too.
Holly Cringe/Discomfort Observational Michael · Pam: Do you think she's already dating a different A.J.? I don't think so. When you broke it off with Roy did you still tell him you loved him? No. But you did still love him. I'm not gonna have... Do you love him now? No!
Andy: Oh, I work at a paper company. Those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? Heard those machines hold, like, 10 books at once. Actually, it's 10,000. Holy shit. What?
Andy Observational Escalation Andy: So light. Like a croissant.
Andy Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Andy · Kevin: Why did we pretend like we work here? Is that what we were doing? I don't know...
Darryl · Kevin: What'd you get? A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.
Pam: I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?
Pam Character Comedy Observational Darryl: The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.
Darryl Observational Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Darryl: I don't know. Single moms at a skating party? Sweet 16, 10-year reunion parties. Chicks fall down, need help getting back up. Roller derby practice.
Erin: Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.
Erin Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Creed: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual, like. Not make a big deal out of it. But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
Creed Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Stanley · Pam: Since last year I ate none. Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine. Is it? Yes, because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.
Michael: I made a resolution to floss. And I did it. 12:01, January 1st. Bam! Blood everywhere.
Michael · Kevin: Why are you eating stem first? This is a new food for me. How else should I eat it?
Kevin · Michael: Can I get some Cheez Whiz? Or Hollandaise? No, no. No Cheez Whiz, no Hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it.
Kevin · Michael: Can I get some candy or something? No, you can't have any candy!
Michael · Holly: Holly Flax. Yes, Michael? Not Michael, E.T.
Kevin: It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.
Kevin Escalation Character Comedy Michael: And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Kevin: Okay, Michael, no offense. But you need to get your own life.
Kevin Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Kevin · Creed: I don't think I'm there yet, boss. Well, I am.
Kevin · Ryan: How's your fart project coming? That's real, real classy, Kevin.
Meredith: I could be pregnant. Okay, no. Oh, my resolution was to get more attention. Nope, she's lying.
Creed: One, two, three. I did it. I did a cartwheel. Fuck you! Fuck you! Oh, God! Okay, that's it. God!
Creed Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Kevin: His name is Andy. And he roller skates like a Greek God. And you know what? I kind of like hanging out with him.
Kevin Misdirection Character Comedy Michael: My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.
Michael: We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine. Just fine, just fine, just fine.
Michael Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Creed · Darryl: What a rush! That's all I had to do all year. Congratulations. All right. Well, all right, see you tomorrow.
⏩ The part you fast-forward
Our scorer flagged 08:00-09:00 as the stretch with the fewest or weakest comedic moments. Everything else lands harder.
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