Creed Bratton

Michael · Creed:Michael asks Creed to role-play the firing: 'I want you to fire me, and I will take it. I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.'

Michael · Creed:During the role-play: Creed-as-Michael says 'I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!' Michael: 'That's an overreaction.'

Michael · Creed:During the role-play, Creed stays in character threatening to kill Michael while Michael's phone rings: 'I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth...' — Creed continues threatening him as Michael tries to answer the phone

Michael · Creed:Michael calls Creed into his office and tells him how 'great' and 'ambitious' he is and that he wants to 'spread his wings and fly the coop'; Creed: 'What are you telling me?'

Michael · Creed:Michael tries to fire Creed by framing it as Creed's own desire to grow: 'I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer.'

Michael · Creed:Creed: 'No, I wanna stay right here.' Michael: 'No, you wanna leave.' Creed: 'No, I wanna stay here.' Michael: 'Why, why are you making this so hard?'

Michael · Creed:Creed: 'Let's fight it. Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.' Michael: 'What old days? What are you talking about?'

Michael · Creed:Creed: 'Undo it!' Michael: 'I can't change anything.' Creed: 'No, you have the power to undo it.' — Creed physically pushing the paper away

Creed:Creed's random non-sequitur: 'Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?'

Creed:Creed immediately pivots from the deer story to strategy: 'Fire someone else. Fire Devon, he's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.'

Creed · Michael:Creed successfully convinces Michael to fire Devon instead of him; Creed's exit: 'God bless you. You're a fine man.' / 'Devon's terrible. No one's gonna miss him.'

Creed:Creed: 'Devon's terrible. No one's gonna miss him.'

Michael · Toby · Creed:Toby: "Aren't the suggestions meant for you?" Michael: "Well, Toby. If by me you are inferring that I have B.O..." Then Creed: "Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring."

Toby · Michael · Creed:Aren't the suggestions meant for you? / Well, Toby. If by me you are inferring that I have B.O... / Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.

Creed:"I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't."

Michael · Creed:An older employee (likely Creed) says 'When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.' Michael responds: 'What... how old are you?'

Creed · Michael:Michael asks Creed if he organized the menu book. Creed: 'Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.' Michael: 'No, that was mandatory.' Creed: 'Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.'

Creed · Oscar:Creed and Oscar's exchange: 'Who do you think did it?' / 'Are you kidding? I thought it was you.' / 'Really? I thought you.'

Michael · Creed:Creed's non sequitur: Michael says 'My biggest fear is turning into him [Ed Truck].' Creed: 'Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy?' Michael: 'Why am I talking to you?'

Creed:Creed's final voicemail: 'I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.'

Michael · Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Phyllis · Creed · Ryan:Michael yelling 'Heisman!' while throwing a football in the parking lot, interspersed with him demanding the ball back from every single coworker including Creed, as the football chaotically passes through the entire office staff

Creed · Michael · Jim:Creed stands up to toast 'Amsterdam' and reveals he went there after his divorce for 'about a week. Or maybe a month.' Michael: 'Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam, trust me.'

Child · Creed:Are you Mother Goose?

Creed:Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?

Creed:Creed's complaint: 'Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.'

Creed:Creed explains the 'distinct old man smell' by revealing he sprouts mung beans on damp paper towel in his desk drawer. 'Very nutritious, but they smell like death.'

Creed:Creed's confessional: 'Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly... I love stealing things.'

Creed · Michael:Creed wins the chip tournament — 'Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin' — and his response: 'Thanks, I never owned a refrigerator.'

Creed:Creed wins the mini fridge: 'Thanks, I never owned a refrigerator.'

Creed:Creed talking head: 'I am not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors. In the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.'

Creed:'In the Martin family, we like to say... looks like someone took the slow train from Philly. That's code for check out the slut.'

Michael · Creed:Michael: 'That town is full of history.' (defending Philadelphia against 'Ugh, that town smells like cheese steaks.')

Creed:Creed confessional: 'Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her.' Beat. 'Mmm.' Then just: 'Creed.'

Creed · Michael:Creed reveals Ed Truck was decapitated — drunk, slid under an 18-wheeler, 'Pop, it snaps right off' — and declares it 'the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.'

Creed:Creed's confessional: 'When I was five, my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet. And it never came back. So we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking, "I'm a little too old for this." And I was five.'

Creed:Creed: 'Don't go. They eat monkey brains.'

Creed:Creed's talking-head: 'Congratulations.' 'Thank you. I made like 1,200 bucks.' — cut from Stanley's somber reflection.

Pam · Creed:Oh, I think you're supposed to put a toy in the box, Creed. / And a happy holiday to you.

Andy · Creed:Andy to Creed (who is preoccupied): 'Hey, look when you get done with your... meeting, you should come to the break room.' Creed: '...All right? See you later.'

Creed · Dwight:Creed announces he'll handle the bat, tells everyone not to hurt it; then the moment the bat appears, screams 'Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!'

Creed:What you looking for? You bring dip?

Creed:I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff's station.

Creed:Creed appears eating an apple when people are going to get watermelons — he is just there, eating an apple, then holds up a potato: 'I found a potato.'

Creed:Creed confessional: 'Every week, I'm supposed to take 4 hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And, of course, the one year I blow it off, this happens.'

Creed:Creed's confessional: He calls the paper mill to find out who was supposedly supposed to be there for his inspection, using the call itself to construct an alibi by getting the name 'Debbie Brown' and the date

Creed:Creed calls the paper mill pretending he WAS there for the inspection and gets them to give him the name of the absent manager to cover his tracks

Creed:Creed confessional: 'The difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.'

Creed:Creed's elaborate false alibi confessional: invented a dentist appointment story to cover for Debbie Brown, who actually called in sick

Creed:Creed passes around a farewell card and collection for Debbie Brown — who was fired because Creed framed her

Creed:Creed confessional: 'I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight.' — completely wrong about who caused it

Creed · Angela · Oscar · Kevin:The office's split opinions on Jan's surgery: Creed: 'I love fake boobs. Often times you find them on strippers.' / Angela: 'I find it offensive.' / Michael Scott Sr.: 'Au naturale, baby. Swing low, sweet chariots.'

Creed:Creed: 'I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.'

Creed:Creed's race strategy: 'Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance.' Shown presumably walking or barely moving.

Creed · Michael:Creed? Everything okay? Everything's cool, dude. I'm 30. Well, in November, I'll be 30.

Michael · Creed:Why do we, as a society, hate old people so much? / Because they're lame.

Creed:Creed's bankruptcy advice: 'Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.'

Michael · Creed:Michael's response to the Monopoly comparison: 'Nobody just picks up Get Out of Jail Free cards. Those things cost thousands.' Creed: 'That is a good point.'

Creed:'Piss or get off the pot!' — shouted during what appears to be an otherwise quiet/transitional moment

Jim · Pam · Creed:Creed steals Pam's hash browns — Jim reports it matter-of-factly: 'I'm sorry. I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns.'

Creed:"If I had created a website with this many problems, I'd kill myself."

Creed · Angela:Creed calls the office on the phone: 'Hiya, pumpkin, it's Creed. So, we're gonna ditch this bitch. You in?' — speaking to Angela

Creed · Angela:Angela refuses; Creed: 'Pumpkin's out. Let's go, gang.'

Dwight · Creed:Dwight talking-head: 'I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it.' / 'Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.'

Creed:Creed's talking-head response to the tapeworm revelation: 'That wasn't a tapeworm.'

Creed:Creed: 'Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.' (about the afterbirth floating in the tub birth)

Creed · Jan:Jan: 'No, it's actually really hygienic, Creed. After the birth, you get out—' Creed: 'I'm done.'

Creed:Creed's talking-head: 'Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.'

Creed:Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.

Michael · Creed:Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. / It just says Creed. / Yeah, that's all-inclusive.

Creed · Other Character:'Damn it, Creed. I've been up since 4:00.'

Creed:Creed rubs the genie lamp 'in a creepy way' and someone wishes he would stop; Creed responds 'stupid, everybody knows to ask for 100 more wishes'

Creed:Creed's talking head: 'I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do... to porn.'

Creed:'He has no wallet, I checked.' — said by an unknown character, implying someone already searched the dummy's pockets.

Creed · Jim:'Give it up. He's dead.' / 'He just sent a text.' / 'What's a text?'

Creed:Creed appears in the warehouse with no explanation: 'I saw a crowd. Thought there might be a dog fight.'

Jim · Toby · Creed:Jim and Toby hiding out playing chess with Creed in the middle of the office crisis

Jim · Creed:Jim and Creed playing chess; Jim calls 'Challenge' over what appears to be a chess move, then: 'And Bingo was his name-o'

Creed · unnamed:Cafe Disco? More like crappy disco. You're bad.

Creed:Boss, this used to hang from my windshield, but it belongs in here.

Creed:No problem. I'll just have no idea who's driving behind me now.

Creed · Kevin:Creed/Kevin exchange: 'They've been in there a while.' 'Yeah. Can't be good.' 'Think they're talking about me?' 'No, I think they're talking about me.' 'Yeah. That makes way more sense.'

Creed · Unknown Employee:Creed in talking head: 'I am so pissed at this company.' Employee: 'And Jim.' Creed: 'Yeah.' Then: 'Who said that?' Employee: 'I think it was Creed.' Creed: 'Yep.'

Creed · Pam · Jim:Creed's wedding gift gambit: 'Would you guys rather have $100 now or $5,000 a year from now?' Pam: '$100 now for sure.' Creed: 'Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in 100 of my own money as the gift...' Pam backs out. Creed: 'Instead of $5,000 a year from now?'

Creed:Creed adds: 'Don't tell Jim.'

Creed:Creed: 'I reserve the right to peel my hardboiled eggs at my desk.'

Kevin · Oscar · Creed:"My money's on Pam." "It's not a fight — what other outcome could there be?" "Michael could win." "How?" "He can't hit his back."

Creed · Jim:Creed asks Santa what happens if you've been 'really, really bad — more evil than strictly wrong.' Jim cuts him off: 'Hey, Creed? We covered it. Lump of coal.'

Creed:Creed, eyeing the electrical cord: 'This cord has Creed written all over it.'

Creed · Nick · Gabe:Creed notices Nick (new IT guy) going through his desk and asks 'Hey, who the hell's going through our stuff?' — is told it's the IT guy setting up a site blocker

Kelly · Creed:Talking head cut to Kelly and Creed (presumably) saying Jim is 'getting a little frazzled' and laughing at him

Michael · Creed · Meredith · Angela · Phyllis:Michael distributes leads to non-sales staff — 'King Creed,' 'King Meredith,' 'King Angela' — while salespeople object

Michael · Creed:'I say dance, they say how high?' immediately followed by Creed being disqualified for butt too high

Creed:Creed appears in the background and goes 'Psst!' — then cut to his confessional where he explains he'd do the prank for free and has done 'a lot more for a lot less'

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam · Ryan · Creed · Andy · Oscar · Angela · Kevin · Darryl · Erin:The entire cold open lip sync/dance performance to 'Nobody But Me' — the whole office is participating in an elaborately choreographed music video, including Dwight with a CamelBak hydration pack, Creed awkwardly appearing, and Ryan ignoring it for his laptop

Creed · Unknown:Creed awkwardly appearing in the lip sync with the caption 'You got Creed' followed by 'You make it so hard to love you sometimes.'

Creed · Michael:Creed reveals he came to the parking lot 'to feed the feral cats like I usually do' and found packages in Luke's car.

Michael · Creed:Michael's response to the packages found in Luke's car: 'All right, those might be his. He might own an eBay store.' Creed: 'Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, 'I don't own an eBay store.''

Creed · Andy:Creed: 'The feeling of pure risk.' — submitted as a pro of sex. Andy had it in the cons column; Creed says 'It's thrilling' and Andy moves it.

Creed:Creed's talking head: 'To my chickens, I'm the Scranton Strangler.'

Creed:Creed's witch joke: 'Why don't witches wear panties? Because they need to grip the broom.'

Unknown · Creed:Hey, Creed. Do you read Chinese? / Better than English.

Creed:Creed proposes: 'What if we all get together and help each other, hire a new guy and then we all kill him but first we take out a $100,000 life insurance policy?'

Creed:Creed's resolution: 'I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual, like. Not make a big deal out of it. But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.'

Michael · Creed:Creed: 'Well, I can't. I don't know how.' Michael: 'You're just going to somersault around for the rest of your life. And you know what's gonna be on your tombstone? Loser.' Creed: 'My tombstone's already made, thank you.'

Creed · Michael:Creed: 'Okay, Michael, no offense. But you need to get your own life.' Michael: 'You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends.' Creed: 'I don't think I'm there yet, boss.'

Creed:Creed's cartwheel attempt — 'One, two, three. I did it! I did a cartwheel.' — followed by apparent chaos offscreen

Creed:Creed confessional after the cartwheel: 'Lesson learned.'

Creed · Michael:Final scene: Creed finally doing a successful cartwheel — Michael coaches him: 'Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel... You know what? I'm gonna stay here as long as it takes. I really appreciate it. I'm gonna spot you.' Creed does it. 'What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.'

Kevin · Oscar · Creed · Pam · Other Office Workers:The office group confessional about Michael and Holly's PDA culminates with Kevin saying 'I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny,' causing group disgust.

Michael · Toby · Meredith · Creed · Kevin · Others:Michael asks every person in the annex to marry him; each one says 'No' in turn — 'That marriage would be a sham.' / 'That would be hot. I would pay to see that.'

Gabe · Erin · Creed · Michael:Gabe follows Erin into the women's bathroom and Michael says 'Hey, Creed. Not cool, man.' — then Creed is apparently also in the women's bathroom

Jim · Jo · Creed:Uh, well, we probably don't wanna go just on seniority. Who is it? [Jo reveals it's Creed]

Creed · Dwight:Hey, Dwight. What's up? / Shut up.

Creed:Creed's opening monologue: 'Or as I like to call it, Great Bratton. Keep it running.'

Creed:Creed renames Dunder Mifflin 'Great Bratton' and says 'Keep it running' as if he's been secretly running a shadow company

Creed:Creed's confessional list: 'Do I love being manager? I love my kids. I love real estate. I love ceramics. I love my job. I love wrestling. Find out what language this is.'

Creed:Creed assigns Phyllis to both teams simultaneously in his 'team building' exercise.

Creed · Kevin:'Boboddy. Boboddy. What does the first B stand for?' — Creed has invented a person named Boboddy and is making an acronym from it.

Creed · Phyllis:Creed and Phyllis discuss whether Phyllis might be Erin's biological mother, connecting it to the release of Porky's.

Creed:Creed pretends to call Dunder Mifflin's biggest client, has a colleague put 'the client' through — and it's himself playing the client: 'Hello, this is the client. It's Creed.'

Creed:Creed uses the 'client call' to poach his own coworkers for his competing paper company: 'FYI, I'm starting my own paper company. Looking to poach some chumps. You in?' / 'Yes.' / 'Cool! Let's keep this on the Q.T., okay? I don't want you to be a dead mamma jamma.'

Creed:Creed advocates for 'an outsider... someone on the margins of society who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person.'

Creed:Creed: 'I got the call. But I'll tell her some other day.' — about possibly being Erin's father.

Creed:Creed sets up a client call at the end, patches together his 'ninth and fourth biggest clients,' and they have an awkward introductory conversation about paper. Creed plays matchmaker: 'Hey, are you single? This seems like a love connection to me! It's kismet.'

Dwight · Creed:Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed? / No. / Are you scared of snakes? / You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.

Creed:Honestly, Jim gives me the creeps.

Susan California · Creed:Mrs. California delights over a tiny dog in a ladle: 'Oh, he's so tiny! Is he in a ladle?' 'Yeah, he's in a ladle.' 'That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?' 'He did it himself.'

Susan California · Creed:Mrs. California: 'Is that ladle stainless?' Creed: 'Stainless. Williams-Sonoma.' 'Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup.' Creed: 'It's not that kind of ladle.'

Jim · Creed:Jim to Creed: 'Creed, I was never here, all right?' Creed: 'Okay. What about your friend?'

Creed · Andy:Creed to Andy: 'Same old party, same old people, am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis' birthday.' Andy: 'Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis' birthday.' Creed: 'I know. But boy, that Erin, she sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Meow!'

Creed:Creed: 'And to think I always thought of her as a second Meredith.'

Andy · Creed:Andy: 'Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation. So I just want to make sure that you are completely 100% done with Erin.' Creed: 'Last I checked I'm with Jessica and I like to get my mongo on.'

Creed · Andy:Creed tells Andy he can 'go crazy' on Erin: 'Just go nuts... With sex.' Andy: 'Have at it.' Creed: 'Or take it slow, whatever you guys work out.'

Creed:Talking head: 'Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all. Wow!'

Creed:Creed: 'Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did.'

Creed:Creed: 'Why is it that things are their most beautiful in the autumn of their lives?'

Creed · Dwight:Creed: 'No one's raping this guy.' / Dwight: 'Well, I don't want to get raped.' / Creed: 'No, it was my idea to not be raped.'

Kevin · Creed:Creed, I just bid $20 on six jujitsu lessons. / No one's raping this guy. / Well, I don't want to get raped. / No, it was my idea to not be raped.

Creed:Creed: 'You ladies are as tangy as the salad dressing over there. I love it.' — appearing suddenly in the conversation.

Creed:Physical gag: Creed drops/spills salad on the way back, requiring cleanup — 'Forgot a few salads.'

Creed:Up next, we got a whole lot of Creed. Let's find out what I did.

Creed:Creed ends up paired with the only remaining person and says to camera: 'Stuck with the weirdo.'

Creed:Creed to someone (possibly Angela) about his services: 'You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.'

Creed:Creed talking-head: 'I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time.'

Creed · Erin:Creed reveals: 'I didn't get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.' Then: 'I saw the leaves twitch.'

Angela · Meredith · Creed · Office staff:'Shut up.' 'You shut up!' 'Everybody shut up and work.' 'We don't work for you.' 'Yeah.' 'Yeah.'

Dwight · Creed:Dwight uses Erin/Creed as his loyalty example, then course-corrects to 'Mr. X' — 'Let's try it out.' / 'No, let's not say Creed. Let's say Mr. X.'

Creed:Creed's endorsement of Pete: 'Well, Andy's cute, but he's too vanilla. Whereas Pete, he's just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird.'

Creed · Office members:Creed's 'Good night' / 'Night' / 'Night, Creed' end-of-day exchange — office leaving for the night

Meredith · Creed:Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall, which is so messed up. / It's 6782, not 83. / Uh, 6783's also a good time, less mileage.

Creed:I think I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through. Beep, beep. Ow! Ow! I didn't see you! You should have been yelling 'crossing!'

Creed:Creed Bratton upon Dwight's announcement: 'Creed Bratton is the new manager!'

Creed:Creed: 'Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours, and just see what we get.'

Panel audience member · Creed:How did it feel to see your lives played out on TV? / It's like seeing a documentary about how your food is made. / It's kind of disgusting. / You learn a lot, but I didn't want to know any of it.

Creed:Oh, that's for PBS executives only. I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this.

Creed:But seriously, you made a nine-year documentary and you couldn't once show me doing my origami?

Darryl · Creed:How did you capture what it was really like? How we felt, and how we made each other laugh, and how we got through the day. How did you do it? / Also how do cameras work?