The Job

Michael · David Wallace:Michael shows up a day early for his interview in midtown Manhattan, claiming he 'happened to be in the neighborhood' and 'thought he'd catch a show'

Michael · David Wallace:Michael's mock cross-examination of David Wallace — asking leading questions that all confirm Michael is the best candidate — culminating in 'No further questions.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. Hey, Pam yeah- I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentally. I'll be like three hours late.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin greets Andy after his haircut: 'What's different about you? You look worse.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin tells Andy his haircut is 'sexy, hot' and demands Andy turn around to see the back, which Andy refuses

Andy · Jim:Andy renames Jim 'Big Haircut,' insisting on using it relentlessly: 'What is it, Big Haircut?' / 'Sorry, I can't hear you, Big Haircut'

Pam:Pam's talking head about her beach confession: 'It only took me three years to summons the courage, so thank you.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael hands Dwight a letter of congratulations addressed to 'Dwight K. Schrute' — Dwight reads his own name and says 'But that's my name.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight reads Michael's congratulations letter: 'Dwight, congratulations a wipe. Don't screw the pooch.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight weeping and thanking Michael repeatedly while Michael says 'Stop crying' — followed by the extended tearful gratitude scene

Jim:Jim's talking head reaction to Pam telling him her beach confession was intentional: 'Pam is kind of a bitch.'

Michael · Jim · Karen:Michael pitches a 'convoy' to New York, describing mooning each other while driving

Jim · Michael:'Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?' / 'Cruise control.'

Michael · Jim:Michael interrogates Jim about who is hotter, Pam or Karen, and provides his own detailed physical breakdown unprompted

Michael · Jim:Michael tells Jim to 'take the rest of the day to figure out' who is hotter and report back

Jim · Pam · Karen:Jim tells Pam 'I really miss our friendship' — but Pam immediately realizes he's just rehearsing what he said to her at the beach, calling it 'patheticville'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: He secretly set up a Word document instead of a real blog for Creed, to protect the world from Creed's thoughts. 'Even for the internet, it's pretty shocking.'

Michael:Michael: 'I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up. And I think if she had something to say she would have called me.' — Michael has clearly been ignoring Jan's voicemails

Michael · Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Michael reveals he sold his condo — on eBay — before knowing if he got the job. 'It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.'

Dwight · Kevin · Oscar · Angela:Dwight propositions the accounting team: 'How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?' Kevin says no; Dwight clarifies he means himself, not Michael

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's dramatic goodbye to Kelly: 'Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.' — then immediately Jim's hotel: 'Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's 'Hotel Hell' roleplay: 'Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now, check out time is never.' / 'Does my room have cable?' / 'No. And the sheets are made of fire.'

Jim:Jim's summary of Dwight's fantasy: 'Just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's salary in the Hotel Hell fantasy: '$80,000 a year'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head on his ideal number two: 'My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.'

Michael · Pam:Michael calls Pam at reception: 'Defcon 10. Houston, we have a problem.' / Pam: 'What do you want me to do?'

Michael · Pam:Michael's crisis team assembly: 'If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen. What about Meredith? No. She's an alternate.'

Jan · Michael:Jan: 'I tried calling, but I kept getting voicemail.' / Michael: 'Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages.'

Michael · Pam · Phyllis · Angela · Karen:'Defcon 20. She wants to get back together.' / 'How can she make you get back together with her?' / 'She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: decides to 'hear Jan out' as 'a sign of maturity to give people second chances' — cut to reveal Jan has gotten a breast augmentation

Office workers:The office's reaction to Jan's breast augmentation: 'Oh my God. Huge!' / 'Yeah, bigger actually.' / 'She could put the cup right there.'

Creed · Angela · Oscar · Kevin:The office's split opinions on Jan's surgery: Creed: 'I love fake boobs. Often times you find them on strippers.' / Angela: 'I find it offensive.' / Michael Scott Sr.: 'Au naturale, baby. Swing low, sweet chariots.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is emotionally magnificent.'

Andy:Andy announces himself in the interview: 'Andrew Bernard. Saving the best for first.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's interview questions: 'What is the best color?' / 'White, because it contains all other colors.' / 'Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'How do you make a table?' / Andy: 'You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.' / Dwight: 'What is the capital of Maine?' / Andy: 'The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.'

Andy:Andy after being told to stop mentioning Cornell: 'Should not be a problem. I minored in history at the Ivy League school which I attended.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Time! No, you failed.' / Andy: 'Damn it!' / 'This interview is over. I'll let you know.'

Karen:Karen tells her driver she's throwing herself a 'congratulations Karen' party for getting a job she hasn't gotten yet

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'So, I guess we're getting back together.' / 'Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Two weeks ago I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.'

Karen · Jim:Karen suggests going to the UN for their New York night out

Jim · Karen:Jim: 'How often do you come here?' / Karen: 'Every time my sixth grade class has a field trip.' / Jim: 'I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim.'

Jim · Karen:Jim and Karen's New York night: dinner at the Spotted Pig, 'second acted' Spamalot by sneaking in with smokers, a bar in a former church, and possibly seeing Lorne Michaels

Jim Halpert · Karen Filippelli:Jim says he saw Lorne Michaels at a bar. Karen's confessional: 'That wasn't him.'

Karen · Jim:Karen in the car: 'We won't have a future in Scranton. There's one too many people there.' / Jim: 'You mean Kevin?' / Karen: 'Exactly.'

Michael · Wallace:Michael at corporate: 'I know where everything is, know everybody's names. Who's that?' / 'That is Beardy.' / 'Beardy?' / 'I'm gonna introduce myself.' / 'No, no, no, just- that's not his real name.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like kid actors tagging along with daddy on the big audition... Except daddy is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.'

Dwight:Dwight's coronation: 'Michael is gone. Hail to the chief!'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight immediately makes Andy his number two; Andy immediately accepts; Dwight: 'As if you had a choice.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Three months ago I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad.'

Michael · Hunter:Michael tells Jan's secretary Hunter to relay the message 'I want to squeeze them' to Jan: 'It's code. She'll know what it means.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight offers Pam the role of Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager — publicly a non-title — stripped of 'its pomp and frills'

Pam:Pam's talking head: 'I learned from Jim. If Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret, you reply, "Absolutely, I do."'

Michael · David Wallace:Michael's interview answer on greatest weaknesses: 'I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.' / Wallace: 'And your strengths?' / 'Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.'

Phyllis · Toby · Kevin:Office workers debate who gets the job: 'I think it's gonna be Michael.' / 'Do you really think he's qualified for that job?' / 'No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight introduces Schrute Bucks: 1,000 Schrute Bucks = five extra minutes for lunch; cash value = 1/100th of a cent

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley refuses a Schrute Buck ('I don't want it'), gets deducted 50, then says 'Make it 100'

Dwight · Andy · Stanley:Stanley's answer causes class to collapse: Dwight cancels class as 'punishment', Andy tries to save it, Dwight and Andy bicker while students flee

David Wallace · Michael:Wallace asks Michael 'off the record': 'What do you think about Michael Scott?' — Scott doesn't realize the question is about himself

Michael · Jan:Michael suggests he and Jan run away to Jamaica: 'Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would be fine.'

Jan · David Wallace · Michael:Jan erupts in the interview: 'You son of a bitch! You're firing me?' as Michael's interview continues — the three-way collision of Michael's interview, Jan's firing, and Michael's ignorance

Jan · Michael · David Wallace:Jan's breakdown over her augmentation: 'Is it because of these?' as the room's attention goes to her chest; Michael: ''Cause he likes them. Okay? He likes them.'

Jan:Jan: 'Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. Not leaving.' — sits down in a chair as if that settles it

Michael · David Wallace:Michael to Wallace: 'David, I did not tell her.' — a completely unnecessary statement with zero context provided

Dwight:Dwight's black office: 'It's like staring into my soul when I look at this wall. It's like outer space without the stars. It's so black.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Abandon all hope, you who enter here!' — referring to his freshly-painted black office

Michael · Hunter:Michael to Hunter on his way out: 'Good luck with your band. Don't let them change you, okay?'

David Wallace · Michael:Wallace: 'Actually, Michael, I think we're gonna take it in another direction.' / Michael: 'Good, I'm glad we're on the same page.' / 'No. We're not giving you the job.'

Michael:Michael saves face: 'You know what? That is actually good because I don't think I could take my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration.'

Michael · David Wallace:Michael: 'Do you accept my withdrawal?' / Wallace: 'I do.' / Michael: 'Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though.' / 'Yes.' / 'Good. That's all I ever wanted.'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan's talking head: 'Wow. That was some serious, hardcore, self-destruction.' / 'Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.' / 'Don't. She's nuts.'

Jan:Jan on the phone, crying: 'It's just so rude, you know? I mean the absolute nerve of that guy!' — then immediately pivots to 'Actually I think it's good... my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness'

Jan:Jan's painkiller excuse: 'It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. They make my moods totally unpredictable!'

Michael · Jan:Michael offers Jan his condo — then remembers he sold it — then suggests they 'live together' with Jan as his 'full-time job': 'I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15.'

Jan Levinson:Jan's fantasy for their new life together: 'My full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15.'

Michael:Michael's triumphant return: 'I'll be back! And I am back! How'd it go? No. No, Pam. I'm back! For good!'

Michael:Michael in the office: 'Kevin Nealon.' — apparently misremembering Kevin's last name as 'Nealon' instead of 'Malone'

Michael Scott · Dwight Schrute:Michael announces his 'withdrawal' to the office: 'I nailed the interview.' Then sees the black office: 'Why is my office black?' Dwight: 'To intimidate my subordinates.' Michael: 'That's stupid.' Dwight: 'It was Andy's idea.' Michael: 'You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management. Good thing I'm back.'

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Michael returns to find his office is black: 'Why is my office black?' / 'To intimidate my subordinates.' / 'That's stupid. It was Andy's idea. You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management. Good thing I'm back.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'Ryan, coffee.' / Ryan: 'I don't do that stuff anymore.' / Michael: 'No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place is like the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my graveyard for my bones.'

Michael · Office:The office speculation: 'Did Karen get the job?' / Michael: 'Back to work. Still waiting on that coffee.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight formally thanks Pam for her service as Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager: 'You served the office with great dignity.' — complete with a dramatic pause

Pam:Pam's final talking head: 'Jim and I are just too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen. But that is a- um- you know, not- A man. A man version. But uh- until then, I can hold my head up. I'm not gay.'

Jim · David Wallace:Jim: 'I just really appreciate the buildings, and the people, and there's just an energy that New York has. Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. So that's a bonus.'

David Wallace · Jim:Wallace: 'We want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So, long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years?' / Very long pause from Jim / 'How are your feet?' / 'Medium rare. Thanks.'

Karen · Jim:Karen on the phone, having apparently gotten the corporate job: 'I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us.' — cut to her hanging up and Jim's number in her phone: 'Who was that?' / 'Nobody. You and I are done.'