Jan Levinson

Jan · Michael:I'm not even on that plan. Well I recommend it, it's very good.

Michael · Jan:Yeah, when have you ever done that? I'm doing it, right now. To you.

Jan · Michael:No, I have a life. Interesting, what's that like? You should try it sometime. But then who would watch my TV?

Jan:Dwight, listen to me very carefully, you are not a manager of anything. Understand ?

Michael · Jan:You're dropping an A-bomb on me here! - Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you.

Michael · Jan:Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... That's what she said!

Jan:I am really thrilled.

Michael · Jan:Well, you're wearing it at the office. And... it, I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy. Please don't smell me Michael.

Dwight · Jan:I even come in on holidays. You do? How do you get in? I have a copy of your key.

Dwight · Jan · Michael:For instance, the time brought in deer jerky for the whole office. That was deer? Gross. - Oh, god, Did not - You liked it.

Jan:It's your personality. I mean you're obnoxious, and rude. And-and-and stupid. And you do have coffee breath by the way. And-and, I don't agree about the B.O. But you are very, very, inconsiderate.

Jan:You know, I've seen some of your spreadsheets. And I almost always...

Jan:There are always a million reasons not to do something.

Michael · Jan:Don't get hysterical. I'm not. Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.

Jan:Now who's getting hysterical?

Jan:And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I'm very nervous.

Michael · Jan:Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.

Jan:I drove two and half hours to get here. Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed.

Michael · Jan:You know, it-it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so... obtuse... a-about sexual orientation! I watch 'The L Word,' Okay? I watch 'Queer as [beep].' That's not what it's called.

Michael · Jan:Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? No. Maybe. Is that what this is about? No. I don't. No. It's not possible. Anything's possible.

Michael · Jan:The 800-pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her. So nothing can happen between us at the convention.

Jan · Michael:Step away from me, Michael. Thank you for being so brave with all of this.

Jan · Michael:How would a movie increase productivity, Michael? / People work faster after. / Magically? / No. They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.

Jan · Michael:Do I need to hire a babysitter for you, Michael? / Kitchen. Some little 14-year old girl whose job it is, is to limit...

Dwight · Jan:Many of your blouses are Claibornes. / How do you know that? / It's part of my job. / No, it's not. It's officially not.

Michael · Jan:Michael thinking Jan is calling because she misses him when she's delivering death news

Michael · Jan:Michael's robot statue proposal with arms that move and eyes that light up

Jan · Michael:Tell me what you did yesterday. Uh, nothing. Nothing? Yeah, nothing.

Michael · Jan:On whom's authority? The board's.

Michael · Jan:Am I a small number person or a severance package person? But you're a severance package person.

Josh · Jan:I, um... will not be taking the job. W... Excu... why not? As of today, I have accepted a senior management position at Staples. Today.

Jan:This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. Damn it, Josh.

Jan:Your branch is not closing. Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all of your jobs are safe.

Michael · Jan:Oh, you are such a racist. Wait, why am I a racist? Because you think he's black. He is black, right?

Jan:I was in Scottsdale, visiting my sister. Very sunny.

Jan:I am attracted to you. I don't... I don't know why, I... But I am

Jan:Jan claiming she was in Scottsdale visiting her sister, not Jamaica

Jan:Jan's speech about self-destructive tendencies and lowering expectations

Jan:Jan's 'Wait 15 minutes then meet me at your condo' instruction

Jan:Jan's disgusted 'Oh, God' reaction to Michael's movie quote

Jan:Okay, let's just go to a motel... And, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica

Jan:I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside, I, uh- date Michael Scott publicly. And collapse into myself like a dying star.

Jan:No means please don't. Slam me up against the wall, right here.

Jan · Michael:I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser.

Jan:I didn't get both of your messages.

Jan · Michael:Not leaving. / David, I did not tell her.

Ryan · Jan:So, elephant in the room, I have your old job. Well, not exactly... my job. A different title. Oh, well, excuse me. Same office. Same responsibilities. Different salary.

Michael · Jan:No-- No. No. If I go by myself, everybody'll think I'm a big loser. - Well... I've your permission to invite Carol? - What? Jesus, Michael! I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.

Jan:Jan: 'A futon's not a sofa. It folds up. You've only seen it flat.'

Jan:Jan: 'Don't sell your implants, please. I'm keeping them. I know you like them... Kind of painful and my nipples aren't as sensitive now. Looks cute though.'

Michael · Jan:No. If I go by myself, everybody will think I'm a big loser. Well... Do I have your permission to invite Carole? What? Jeez, Michael! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody that I haven't slept with.

Jan:No, I want it up. My hair.

Michael · Jan:I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna throw up. Fine, just a second. Hold on.

Jan:People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like... ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Jan:You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.

Jan:Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

Jan:You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.

Jan · Michael:Michael, I am very sorry. Oh, hey, no biggie. Just... No, no, no. This was rough. We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this.

Jan · Michael:How about Chinese? We should really try to save some money. How about something cheap? That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

Jan:This will be great to cook with... really.

Jan:And these walls, they used to be, like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer so I had it painted in eggshell white. Guess what. White and eggshell white are exactly the same color.

Jan:Yeah, he tried to set up my Tivo for me, but then I didn't have audio for a week.

Jan · Michael:You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight. / When in Rome.

Michael · Jan:You know what? Hunter was a terrible assistant. That's why Ryan fired him. / He's probably just as reliable as Pam, because it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.

Jan · Pam:You don't need two of you to do that. / That's true...

Michael · Jan:Rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger. / No rhyming!

Jan · Michael:It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe or should I tell it? / I don't like that story, babe. / Come on! It's a cute stor... Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

Jan:You are so right. You are so right! Because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges. And I moved in and I cleaned it, so I guess that makes me the devil.

Jan:You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath. / But I don't need to tell you, Pam.

Michael · Jan:And I bought this condo to fill with children. / I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world. / If you want to have kids, then fine, you win. Let's have a fuckin' kid!

Jan:I hate my life.

Jan · Michael:At least he's an artist. / B.F.D., I'm a screenwriter. And I'm a candle maker, but you don't hear me bragging about it! / No, all you do is you get me to try to work on my rich friends.

Jim · Jan · Jim · Jan · Michael:Man, I would love to burn your candles! / You burn it, you buy it! / Oh, good, I'll be your first customer! / You're hardly my first. / That's what she said!

Jan · Jim:You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil? / Cool. / Thank god they found her too. / Oh, they found her?

Jan:I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.

Jan:How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Doris Day covers on my own label? If I knew, I'd tell you.

Jan · Michael:(SINGING) Fry it up in a pan, Never, never, never let you forget you're a man. Love that commercial. I don't understand the reference.

Jan · Michael:Well, if there was anything exciting about it, it was because we both knew it was wrong. Because we worked together. No. Okay, imagine there's a princess who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all... Am I the princess? No, I'm the princess. And the queen.

Jan:(SINGING) How was school? It was cool. What did you learn? What did I learn? You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors, or you might have learned that we're all sisters and brothers... I have herpes.

Jan:Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?

Jan:Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?

Jan:Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, 'Cece' is two letters, and 'Astrid' is... I mean, there's even some adults who-- who-- who can't spell it.

Jan · Pam:Try to spell it, Pam. Um... A... X? I don't-- you got me.

Jan:Do you have a valid passport?