Jan Levinson

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Corporate really doesn't interfere with me at all' — immediately cut to Jan calling.

Pam · Michael · Jan:Pam reveals to Jan that the fax went into the wastepaper basket — Michael's 'special filing cabinet for corporate documents.'

Michael · Jan:Jan delivers the news of potential branch closure; Michael responds 'alarm bells are kinda going ringy dingy dingy!'

Jan:Jan's deadpan clarification: 'Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?'

Michael · Todd Packer · Jan:Todd Packer calls Jan 'Godzillary' and asks 'Does the carpet match the drapes?'

Michael · Jan:Michael insists the 'gold plan' includes acupuncture; Jan tells him she's not even on that plan; Michael says 'Well I recommend it, it's very good.'

Michael · Jan:Michael calls picking a healthcare plan 'a suicide mission' to Jan's face, expecting sympathy.

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'Yeah, when have you ever done that?' Michael: 'I'm doing it right now. To you.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Last night on Trading Spouses... have you seen it?' Jan: 'No, I have a life.' Michael: 'Interesting, what's that like?'

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'You should try it sometime.' Michael: 'But then who would watch my TV?'

Dwight · Jan:Dwight calls Jan to get permission to fire Jim — using Michael's cell phone.

Dwight · Jan:Jan: 'Dwight, listen to me very carefully, you are not a manager of anything. Understand?' Dwight: 'That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.'

Dwight · Jan:After Jan says no to firing Jim: 'Please don't use my cell phone ever again.' Dwight: 'This is your cell? I thought this was your off—'

Michael · Jan:Michael pretends to check notes for what Jan just said, stalling with 'Let me, uh... check my notes' before repeating her words almost verbatim

Michael · Jan:Michael interrupts a serious corporate call to ask about Alan and tell him 'the Mets suck. From me, big time. Go Pirates!'

Michael · Jan:Michael asks if 'top salesman' includes people 'who were at one time such outstanding salesmen that they've been promoted to...' — Jan cuts him off before he finishes

Michael · Jan:Jan says she's not coming. Michael's response: 'You could take the bus, work on the way here, sleep on the way home.'

Jan:Jan: 'We don't approve of this Michael. You only have the budget for one office party a year, so we're not paying for this.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'You're dropping an A-bomb on me here!' Jan: 'Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you.'

Michael · Jan:Jan reveals Michael already spent the party budget on a '05-05-05 party.' Michael: 'It happens once every billion years!'

Michael · Jan:Jan mentions the 'tsunami relief fundraiser that somehow lost a lot of money.' Michael: 'It was a FUN-raiser. I think I made that very clear on the flyers. Fun, F-U-N.'

Jan · Michael:Jan arrives at the Dundies. Michael: 'Jan Levinson Gould!' Jan: 'Good, I'm just in time for Ping.'

Jan:Jan arrives and immediately asks for a drink. The camera/audience registers this is significant.

Michael · Jan:Michael and Jan drinking from apparently empty glasses. Michael: 'I think those might be empty.' Jan: 'No, 'cause the ice melts, and then it's like a second drink!'

Michael · Jan:Michael introduces 'James P. Albini, I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in free speech issues. And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits. This guy does it all.'

Michael · Jan:Jan reveals Michael's hired lawyer is actually the corporate lawyer — Michael: 'So I'm not in trouble?' / Jan: [pause] / Michael: 'I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting corporate that I forget that I am corporate.'

Jan:Jan's 'He said what?' — the final line of the episode, after the camera has pulled back

Michael · Jan:Oh, I changed it to Chili's. / Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine said that. It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.

Michael · Jan:Mm-hmm. Power trip. What?

Michael · Jan:Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here. Not more... the same amount of work... is done whether I am here or not.

Michael · Jan:We should come up with a signal of some sort. Why would we need a signal? Well, in case one of us gets into trouble... What kind of trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?

Michael · Jan · Christian:Just Jan Levinson. No Gould? No. / Is Gould dead? / We got divorced, okay? / Wow, you're kidding me. Do you wanna talk about it?

Jan · Michael:We got divorced, okay? / I'm so sorry, excuse me. Wow, you're kidding me. Do you wanna talk about it?

Michael · Jan · Christian · server:Awesome Blossom? I think we should share an Awesome Blossom. What do you say? They are awesome. Extra awesome?

Michael · Jan · Christian:Hey, I heard a very very funny joke the other day. You wanna hear it? / Just the one. / Well, if it's just gonna be one... I will think of a different joke.

Michael · Jan · Christian:Did somebody say baby back ribs? Hmm? Hmm? / I don't think Christian has time for that, Michael. / I have time.

Michael · Jan · Christian:Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but you think we could, Jan? [implied signal] / So, I guess I'll see you in...

Michael · Jan:Yes! We did it. We got it! Nailed it, nailed it! Come here. / Let's go. / What? Let's go. / Go and... okay. Where are we going? / Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go-go.

Michael · Jan:Michael on the phone with Jan keeps referring to their romantic moment as happening "in the parking lot of the Chili's"

Michael · Jan:Jan tells Michael to exhibit completely professional behavior. Michael immediately responds: "I'm thinking about you."

Michael · Jan:Jan asks Michael on the phone if the cameras are in his office. Michael says no. Cut to: the cameras are clearly in his office.

Michael · Jan:Michael holds the door for Jan, says 'Apres vous,' Jan thanks him, he responds 'Nice to see you.' Jan: 'Nice to see you too, Michael.' Michael: 'Really?' Jan: 'Not like that.'

Jan:Please don't smell me, Michael.

Dwight · Michael · Jan:Dwight's case for a raise: "Let me bring up one word. Dedication." — followed by a pause — "I have never been late." / "I come in on holidays." Jan: "You do? How do you get in?" Dwight: "I have a copy of your key." Michael: "That's a serious offense." Jan: "That is a serious offense."

Jan · Michael:Jan's revelation that the deer jerky Dwight brought in was deer: "That was deer? Gross."

Jan:Jan outside Michael's office, to the documentary crew: "I know it's your job, I know you have to ask. But I promise you, I'm not going to discuss it with him. I'm certainly not going to discuss it with you. Do you have a light?"

Dwight · Michael · Jan:Dwight's closing argument for his raise quotes Lex Luthor: '"Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."' Michael: 'That's from Superman?' Dwight: 'Smallville.'

Michael · Jan:Michael chases Jan to her car begging for closure: "Never as in never, ever, ever? Or never as in there's no chance?" Jan: "Never for me always means never, ever, ever."

Jan:Jan catalogs Michael's flaws: "You're obnoxious, and rude. And stupid. And you do have coffee breath by the way. And I don't agree about the B.O."

Jan · Michael:Jan: "You cried with me and I appreciate that." Michael: "No, I wasn't, I wasn't crying."

Michael · Jan:Michael barging into Jan's Women in the Workplace session despite being explicitly told he's not allowed, then launching into a rambling 'speech'

Michael · Jan:"What is more important than quality?" / "Equality."

Meredith · Jan:Meredith begins introducing herself in the women's seminar: 'Hi, I'm Meredith, and I'm an al...' — then cuts herself off and pivots to 'Good at supplier relations.'

Jan:Jan responding to Meredith's sobriety goal: 'That is an excellent goal. 4 1/2.'

Jan · Female employees:One woman says she doesn't want to schlep kids in a minivan; another says she wants an SUV with three rows of seats — Jan nods approvingly at both

Jan:Jan's seminar pivoting to 'dress for the job you want, not the job you have'

Michael · Jan:Michael to Jan: 'Don't get hysterical.' Jan: 'I'm not.' Michael: 'Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women. Let's... be... rational... here.'

Michael · Jan:Michael telling Jan about the union: 'Don't get hysterical.' / Jan: 'I'm not.' / Michael: 'Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.'

Jan:Jan: 'The cons are that everyone will lose their job, Michael. Everyone. Office, warehouse. What do you think the pros... are... here?'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Come on, Jan. After all we've been through. We have history. Between us.'

Jan · Female employees:Jan's sports metaphors explanation: 'Fumble means... Mistake. Slip. Right.' / 'Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Uh, below par means worse.' / 'Wait, that should mean better. That doesn't make sense.'

Kelly · Jan:Kelly: 'What about second base? Like if Michael said he got to second base with you?'

Jan:Jan's corporate threat to the warehouse workers: 'If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that.'

Jan:'They unionized in Pittsfield, and we all know what happened in Pittsfield.'

Pam · Jan:Pam's confessional about her terrace dream — 'I don't know. It was just something I read in this book when I was 12.' / Jan: 'So you're not doing it?'

Jan:Jan's talking head: 'And, well, it is Michael. So, yeah, I'm very nervous.'

Michael · David Wallace · Jan:Michael begins his presentation: 'What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports?' [Long pause.] 'Sure.'

Craig · David (CFO) · Jan:Craig's explanation for having no financial presentation: 'I was under the impression this was more of like a meet-and-greet type deal.'

Craig · Jan · Michael:Craig blames Michael's video: 'You know what? Michael made that stupid movie. He doesn't get in any trouble. Maybe I should've slept with you too.'

Jan · Michael:Jan to Michael after the Craig disaster: 'I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael.'

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'The CFO thinks that we slept together.' Michael: 'Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Surely, you cannot be serious.' Jan: [presumably mortified] Michael: 'I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. Airplane.'

Michael · Jan:Jan thanks Michael for defending her to the CFO. Moment of genuine warmth. Then: 'So, uh, happy Valentine's Day.' 'Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.' — beat of longing between them.

Michael · Jan:The long pause after the 'Happy Valentine's Day' exchange between Michael and Jan — inferred from [20:07] to [20:31] timestamp gap — before the scene ends

Jan:Jan's final muttered line: 'Oi vey... schmear.'

Michael · Jan:Michael calls Jan saying it's 'urgent,' then reveals it was just to wish her a happy birthday — she doesn't have the same birthday as him.

Jan · Michael:Well, today's not my birthday, so. / Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Top 80%' in response to being told his branch is fourth out of five

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you — not that I have you or have ever had you.'

Michael · Carol · Jan · Pam:Michael invites Carol to Casino Night mid-call, then Jan calls on line two, and Michael invites her too — double-booking two dates in real time

Michael · Jan · Carol:Jan arriving and Michael's awkward 'open relationship' explanation to Carol

Jan · Carol:Jan introduces herself to Carol as 'Michael's boss' — the hierarchy clarification as its own power move

Jan · Carol:Jan's interrogation of Carol about where she's staying — working through every hotel ('Radisson? Super 8? Motel 6? Best Western? Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre?') — ending with 'Are you staying with Michael?'

Michael · Jan:Michael to Jan on the phone: 'I watch The L Word, okay? I watch Queer as— ' Jan: 'That's not what it's called.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair?' Jan: 'No... Maybe.' Michael: 'Is that what this is about? No. I don't... No. It's not possible.' Jan: 'Anything's possible.'

Jan:Jan's exasperated reaction to Michael on the phone: 'You can't wait to get out of here, ARM.'

Michael · Jan:Jan meeting Michael's eyes and attempting to set ground rules — Michael tells her nothing can happen between them at the convention because he's still dating Carol: 'Step away from me, Michael.'

Jan · Michael:Jan to Michael: 'I can't stay on top of you 24/7.' Michael's silent reaction to camera.

Jim · Jan:Jan arrives late to lunch ('Sorry, my meeting ran late') with a new client lead from Hammermill — supposedly exclusive with Staples. Jim: 'Used to be.' They've landed the account.

Jan · Michael:'Am I the first to arrive?' Michael: 'People have been filtering in and out.'

Jim · Jan:'Blood, urine, or semen.' Jan: 'Oh God, I hope it's urine.'

Michael · Jan:People work faster after. / Magically? / No. They have to, to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.

Jan:Do I need to hire a babysitter for you, Michael? Some little 14-year-old girl whose job it is...

Dwight · Jan:Dwight calls Jan and offers to meet her at a Liz Claiborne outlet — because he has catalogued her blouse brands.

Jan · Dwight:Jan's shopping bags visible as she meets Dwight — she did go to the Liz Claiborne outlet.

Dwight · Jan:I could save the branch. Really? If you let me run it.

Jan · Michael:JAN: Michael! Hi. I had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees. / MICHAEL: Oh, that's nice. / JAN: No, it wasn't.

Michael · Jan:Michael asks Jan 'does somebody miss me?' in response to a call informing him his former boss died

Michael · Jan:Michael argues for a day off, then reverses himself: 'You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off.'

Michael · Dwight · Jan:Michael and Dwight's escalating robot-memorial plan: a life-sized robot of Ed with light-up eyes and moving arms. Michael: 'Better make it 2/3. Easier to stop if it turns on us.'

Michael · Jan:Jan ends the call; Michael shouts 'You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck! But Ed Truck can't because he is—' Jan hangs up mid-sentence: '—dead!'

Michael · Jan:Michael to Jan: 'You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck! But Ed Truck can't because he is— [Jan hangs up] —dead!'

Jan · Michael:Jan says 'I don't care how your day was, Michael.' Michael petulantly responds 'I don't care how your day was either, Jan.'

Michael · Jan:Michael immediately asks 'Am I a small number person or a severance package person?' — then Jan's pause followed by 'But you're a severance package person.'

Michael · Jan:Michael begs Jan: 'Don't hurt me like I hurt you.' — while she's trying to leave.

Josh · Jan:Josh announces he's leaving for a senior management position at Staples — he leveraged Dunder Mifflin's restructuring into another offer. Jan explodes: 'Damn it, Josh, this whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you.'

Jim · Jan:Jan calls Jim to offer him the number two position at Scranton — Jim hesitates, citing 'some personal stuff' and being 'not ready to revisit that.' Jan says simply: 'Michael.'

Jan · Stanley:Jan announces to the Scranton office: 'Your branch is not closing. Stamford is closing. For the time being, it seems that all of your jobs are safe.' — collective eruption, then Stanley asks: 'Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?'

Jan:Jan: 'Well, reasons are not important.' — declining to explain why Scranton was saved.

Michael · Jan:Jan calls Michael about Tony: 'You do realize Michael that now we have to pay him severance?' Michael: 'Yes.' Jan: 'You do?' Michael: 'But, do you realize that was actually Dwight's idea?'

Michael · Jan:Jan tells Michael that Jim is his number two, not Dwight. Michael: 'Yes, I know that, or I do read the memos.' Then: 'So, after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new number two.'

Michael · Jan:Jan arrives at the office and Michael greets her: 'Hi, Jan. You look tan.' Jan: 'I was in Scottsdale, visiting my sister.'

Jan:Packer's colleague (offscreen) asks 'How was it?' about Jan's Scottsdale trip; Jan responds: 'Very sunny. Family's important.'

Jan:Jan's speech to Michael about her psychiatrist, her self-destructive tendencies, and 'lowering my expectations or redefining the word itself' — all as a preamble to saying she's attracted to him

Michael · Jan:After the emotional confession, Michael says 'So, thanks for coming by' and Jan says 'Yes... I... Oh. Good. Okay.'

Jan:Jan says 'Wait 15 minutes, okay? Then find an excuse and meet me at your condo, okay?'

Jan:Jan's response to 'You complete me': 'Oh, God.'

Michael · Jan:Michael tells Jan about the stripper at work — Jan's reaction: 'You went to a bachelor party at work? / Yes, I kind of arranged it.'

Michael · Jan:So you don't want to end our relationship? / I'm closer to firing you. / That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?

Jan · Michael:Let's just blow this party off. MICHAEL: That's what she said. Yeah. JAN: Am I on speakerphone?

Jan · Michael:Jan on speakerphone: '...just, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.'

Michael · Jan:I'm still on speaker? I... I... I don't know. Are the cameras there? Maybe.

Jan · Michael:You're dressed exactly like the servants. Shut up.

Jan · Michael:Okay, change shirts with me. Wait. I don't think yours will fit me. I don't care.

Jan · Michael:The love contract scene: Jan asks Michael to sign a legal document releasing the company from liability if their relationship interferes with work. Michael: 'Awesome. I'm gonna frame mine.'

Jan · Michael:You realize this is... This is a legal document that says you can't sue the company... Over our love.

Jan:I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside? I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.

Jan · Michael:What's this over the 'l'? It's a heart.

Jan · Michael:Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh, my God, what am I saying?

Michael · Jan:I love this woman! Oh, God.

Dwight · Rachel · Jan:Rachel, your house is beautiful. Thank you. What's the square footage? About 5,000. Does that include the garage? Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.

Michael · Jan:You and the missus should join us in Sandals, Jamaica next Christmas. Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family. Yeah. They don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non grata there.

Jan · Michael:The bathroom scene: Jan pulls Michael into the bathroom for what she implies is sexual, he resists. 'No means Please don't. Means... Slam me up against the wall right here.' 'I'm not going to slam you up against anything. You're acting inappropriate, Jan.'

Michael · Jan:What has gotten into you? No, no, no. / What? / Come on, let's get back to the party. Come on. / Wait, let me just take my dress off. We're missing everybody. / Don't take that... No, stop it! Stop it! Jan! No! No! No! / MICHAEL: No means 'Please don't.' Means... Slam me up against the wall right here.

Jan:You know, we were good when we were just running around, you know? In secret. It was wrong and it was exciting, and maybe it was a mistake to take it public.

Michael · Jan:Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million pieces? / It was never a love contract, Michael. / Yeah. And besides, I have already given a copy to David. It would be just as embarrassing to get it back from him as it was handing it to him...

Michael · Jan:I love you, Jan. Okay.

Michael · Jan · Toby:Jan asks if Toby is there; Michael says 'No.' Toby quietly says 'I'm here, Jan.' — Michael has denied Toby's existence to Jan

Michael · Jan:Michael says 'Yeppers.' Jan: 'What did I tell you about yeppers?' Michael: 'I don't remember.' Jan: 'I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?' Michael: 'Ye--sh.'

Michael · Jan:Michael says 'Bippity boppity' to Jan in the negotiation — a mangled version of Darryl's fake phrase

Michael · Jan:Michael threatens Jan: 'You give me a good raise, or no more sex.'

Jan · Michael:Jan coaches Michael to ask for 15% so she can say no and give 12%: 'I just need you to ask for it... so I can record that you asked for it.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'I would like a 15% raise.' Jan: 'No! But we can offer you 12.' Michael: 'But you just said 15.' Jan: 'Negotiation is an art.'

Michael · Jan:Michael's talking head continues: 'But, you know, life is about more than just salary. It's about... perks. Like having sex with Jan.' Jan, off-camera: 'Michael!'

Jan · Michael:Jan on the phone: 'Michael, come over after work tonight, okay? I miss your body... I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser.'

Michael · Jan · Women:Jan's call goes to voicemail while Michael panics. Everyone tells him simultaneously to answer and not answer. The call stops.

Jan · Michael:Jan appears in person at the mall, having driven there to apologize to Michael — immediately after he left the breakup voicemail

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'So, we're good?' Jan: 'Abso-fruitly.'

Jan · Michael:Jan hears the voicemail while standing with Michael — the breakup message plays as Michael suggests dinner ('Maybe some Italian... Chinese?')

Jan · Michael:Jan's phone rings while she and Michael are reconciling; she hands it to him — it's his own voicemail playing back

Jan · Michael:Jan: 'I tried calling, but I kept getting voicemail.' / Michael: 'Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages.'

Michael · Jan:Michael suggests he and Jan run away to Jamaica: 'Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would be fine.'

Jan · David Wallace · Michael:Jan erupts in the interview: 'You son of a bitch! You're firing me?' as Michael's interview continues — the three-way collision of Michael's interview, Jan's firing, and Michael's ignorance

Jan · Michael · David Wallace:Jan's breakdown over her augmentation: 'Is it because of these?' as the room's attention goes to her chest; Michael: ''Cause he likes them. Okay? He likes them.'

Jan:Jan: 'Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. Not leaving.' — sits down in a chair as if that settles it

Jan:Jan on the phone, crying: 'It's just so rude, you know? I mean the absolute nerve of that guy!' — then immediately pivots to 'Actually I think it's good... my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness'

Jan:Jan's painkiller excuse: 'It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. They make my moods totally unpredictable!'

Michael · Jan:Michael offers Jan his condo — then remembers he sold it — then suggests they 'live together' with Jan as his 'full-time job': 'I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15.'

Michael · Stanley · Kevin · Jan:Stanley has zero sponsors. Michael: 'Come on, man, got to step it up.' Then: 'Jan called this morning and pledged $500.' Kevin: 'And isn't that your money?' Michael: 'It is for a good cause.'

Jan · Pam:Jan's apparent jealousy about Pam seeing Michael naked: 'So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.' / 'What? No, it was not...' / 'Look, I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, okay? So, hands off.'

Ryan · Jan:So, elephant in the room, I have your old job. / Well, not exactly my job. I mean, I had a different title. / Oh, well, excuse me. Same office, same responsibilities. Different salary. You'll get there. Don't worry.

Michael · Jan:What is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles? / What? / I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.

Jan · Michael:He's being a real twerp about it, too. It's all about youth and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people. He's such a snake. / I hope he gets hit with an ageism suit.

Michael · Jan:So older people have just as many rights as younger people? / Yes, Michael. They do.

Michael · Jan:Michael on the phone with Jan: she refuses to go to the party because she was terminated. Michael: 'All your friends will be there.' Jan: 'My friends? Michael, I was terminated.' Then Michael begs not to go alone: 'If I go by myself, everybody'll think I'm a big loser.'

Michael · Jan:Michael, after being told not to invite Carol (his ex), says: 'I'm sorry. It's just the first girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.'

Michael · Jan:Michael and Jan argue about decorating; Jan dismisses the futon: 'A futon's not a sofa.' Michael: 'It folds up. You've only seen it flat.'

Michael · Jan:Michael comes home late; Jan: 'How was yoga?' Michael: 'I didn't go.' Jan: 'Why?' Michael: 'I just didn't.' Cut to him getting in the car, clearly having just come from work.

Michael · Jan:Michael on the train: 'I am out of answers, Jan.' / 'This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you.'

Michael · Jan:Jan on the phone with Michael about her breast implants: 'Don't sell your implants, please.' Jan: 'I'm keeping them. I know you like them.' Michael: 'They're kind of uncomfortable, though.' Jan: 'Looks cute. Kind of painful, and my nipples aren't as sensitive now. Looks cute, though.'

Michael · Jan:Tell them how much you're going to get if you win. Come on, Michael, that's tacky. Million dollars. 4 million. $4 million! Man, that is a lot of guacamole! Lot of the green. Lot of green.

Jan:People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at, like ice-skating. He is a very good ice-skater.

Michael · Jan:How could you give up my diary like that? / I had to. I'm sorry, but I need to win this. / How did you even find it? / You keep it under my side of the mattress. I don't like the lump.

Jan:All right, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.

Michael · Jan:Fine. I love you. I love you, too.

Michael · Jan:What do you want to do for dinner? / How about Chinese? / We should really try to save some money. How about something cheap? / That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

Michael · Jan:Can you do fast food? / Fine. / Fast food's fine.

Jan:Jan thanks Pam for the wine and says 'This will be great to cook with.' — a passive-aggressive slight on the gift's quality

Michael · Jan:Michael painted bedroom walls 'eggshell white' to make them softer — 'Guess what? White and eggshell white are exactly the same color.'

Jan · Michael:Jan to Michael in front of guests: 'I thought you said you were gonna tidy things up... Shame on you.'

Jan:Jan's response to Michael offering tech help: 'I bet you are.'

Michael · Jan:Michael says Jan chose the neon beer sign over the Dundies for the living room; Jan: 'I said, honey, keep the trophies.' Michael: 'Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here.'

Jan · Pam:The Osso Buco hasn't started braising yet — dinner is 3 hours away

Jan · Michael:Jan: 'You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.' Michael: 'When in Rome.'

Jan · Michael:Jan plays Hunter's CD at the dinner party — the song appears to be about a sexual relationship ('the night', intimate lyrics)

Jan:Jan: 'I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam, being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me. Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes.'

Michael · Jan · Jim · Pam:Charades game — 'Joe Camel!' / first name of animal + capital state = 'Joe Montana'

Jan · Michael:Babe, can you just, like, really... You're just, like, really... Could you just simmer down? Seriously. I'm just making people laugh. No. Yes, I was watching Jim's face. I was watching Jim. And he was laughing. No smile. Look at him. He's laughing.

Michael · Jim · Jan:First name is blank, and he goes on a cruise. He goes on a Caribbean cruise. I don't know. Katie Holmes. No, but he's married to her! Oh, Dawson's Creek. No, it has to be a real person, Jim. Come on!

Jan · Michael:Michael announces the sliding glass door shattered 'because he thought he heard the ice cream truck'

Michael · Jan:You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible. You are so right! Because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges. And I moved in and I cleaned it, so I guess that makes me the devil.

Jan · Michael:Jan: 'Before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges. So I moved in and I cleaned it, so I guess that makes me the devil.' Michael: 'You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell!'

Jan · Angela · Pam:Jan to Angela in the kitchen: 'You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath. But I don't have to tell you, Pam.'

Jan · Pam:Jan insists Pam and Michael used to date and she 'sees the way Pam looks at him'

Jan · Michael:Michael/Jan argument: 'When I wanted to see Stomp and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see? We saw Wicked.'

Michael · Jan:Jan escalates the vasectomy argument: Michael wanted kids, Jan didn't, Michael got a vasectomy, then reversed it, then reversed it back — 'Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap!'

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'Do you mean it? You want to have a kid?' / Michael (quietly): 'I hate my life.'

Jan · Michael:Jan to Michael: 'Can you not do that? It's disgusting.' Michael: 'You know I have soft teeth. How could you say that?'

Michael · Jan:Michael wants to keep the neon beer sign up over Jan's objection: 'I think it ties the whole room together.'

Michael · Jan:Michael and Jan fight about Hunter: 'At least he's an artist.' / 'BFD, I'm a screenwriter.' / 'And I'm a candle maker, but you don't hear me bragging about it!'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Man, I would love to burn your candles!' Jan: 'You burn it, you buy it!' Michael: 'Oh good, I'll be your first customer!' Jan: 'You're hardly my first.' Michael: 'That's what she said!'

Jan:Jan throws a Dundie at Michael's small plasma TV, destroying it

Kevin · Jan · Michael:Kevin calls Michael to the supermarket: there's Jan, very pregnant. Kevin: 'I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Well, okay. So it's not mine, and it's not somebody else's, so...I know the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so... I went to a sperm bank.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'When we were going out, you'd rather have somebody else's sperm than mine?' Jan: 'No, no. It's not just any sperm bank...it's right next to that little breakfast place in the city where you can draw on the tables.' Michael: 'IHOP.'

Michael · Jan:Michael can't understand why Jan used a sperm bank instead of him: 'You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than mine?' Jan: 'No, no, no. It's not just any sperm bank. It's a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue.'

Jan · Michael:Jan: 'It's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.' Michael: 'Ihop.'

Jan:Jan: 'If I was 22 and had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one. But honestly, I need to make this one count.'

Jan:Jan: 'I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner' in lamaze class

Jan · Kevin · Oscar:Jan shows up at the office to use the copier. 'How's the candle game?' / 'Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names.' / 'You remember last week when that girl went missing — guess whose candles they used for the vigil?' / 'Cool. Thank God they found her, too.' / 'Oh, they found her?'

Jan · Jim:Jan stops Jim: 'I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.' Hands him condoms.

Michael · Jan · Dwight:Jan simulating labor contractions while Michael coaches her like a birth partner, but they are practicing with a watermelon

Michael · Jan:Jan tells Michael her cervix is ripening; Michael says 'Okay, good' as if receiving a routine status update

Jan · Jim · Michael:Jan arrives at the office — she has already had the baby, and Michael had no idea

Michael · Jan:Michael calls the baby 'Astird'; Jan corrects him: 'Astrid.' Michael: 'Oh!'

Jan:Jan dismisses the gift stroller: 'She already has a stroller. And this is way worse than the stroller she came with. She's got an Orbit. That's a $1,200 stroller.'

Jan:Jan sings 'Son of a Preacher Man' at the baby shower — she has been singing for 20 minutes

Jan · Office Staff:Jan singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' at the baby shower, alone, for 20+ minutes while the office stares

Jan:Jan's baby is let outside and nearly goes near a fence/barbed wire; Jan shouts 'Don't hit the fence!' and 'Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!' and 'Playtime is over!'

Creed · Jan:Jan: 'No, it's actually really hygienic, Creed. After the birth, you get out—' Creed: 'I'm done.'

Jan:Jan asks Michael to remind her to talk to him about Astrid's 529, then: 'Wake me in 20.'

Jan · Dwight:Jan asks where the stroller she came in with is — Dwight immediately says he put it in her trunk. The gift stroller he just destroyed is gone.

Jan · Michael:Jan asks Michael not to date Holly — Michael: 'That's... I hate her.' — then immediately starts defending Holly before walking back 'not that it matters, 'cause I don't'

Jan · Michael:Jan has released an album of Doris Day covers on her own label. Michael doesn't get the reference when she sings the 'Enjoli' commercial jingle.

Jan:Jan: 'Michael Scott, you are here for a post-mortem. You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it.'

Jan:Jan's analysis of her relationship with Michael: 'Well, there was a bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets, we were like Jordan and Pippen.'

Jan · Michael:Jan's 'princess' allegory: Michael asks 'Am I the princess?' Jan: 'No, I'm the princess. And the queen.' Michael: 'So I'm the guy at the station.'

Jan · Michael · Astrid:Jan is singing an improvised song to her daughter Astrid (Assie); mid-song, Michael announces 'I have herpes.'

Jan · Molly:Molly! / David Wallace is in Vermont. / Oh, my God. Um, I talked to his assistant. And I guess it did get a little confusing 'cause you said not to tell anyone your name. And then also, these bluetooths are very hard to hear with. I know you love the way they look, but Tom never had us use them.

Jan · Astrid:Astrid's song: ♪ Mommy, you're a princess / Mommy, you're a superstar / Mommy, you're the greatest / How can I ever fill your shoes? ♪

Pam · Jan:Your voice is as lovely as ever. / Well, that was me too. / Oh, okay. It's just that's how Cece does it with the backwards Es.

Jan:Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, 'Cece' is two letters, and 'Astrid' is... I mean, there's even some adults who — who — who can't spell it.

Jan · Pam:Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam. Um... A... X? I don't — you got me.

Jan · Pam:Don't patronize me. / I'm so sorry. / I hate this. You're better. Okay, we should go now.

Jan · Molly:Jan: 'Could I get some more water?' — Receptionist: 'No.'

Jan:I-I-- / Hmm? / I don't recall. / And, yes, Molly is crap.

Jan:He's been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... so young.

Jan · Dwight:Can you turn around for me, please? / Dwight, you can go.

Jan:Do you have a valid passport?

Andy · Jan:Andy calls Jan to 'clear up' the Scranton White Pages deal. He says 'coolio' to Jan mid-call while the deal collapses.

Andy · Clark · Jan:Jan invokes her 30-day exit clause and cancels the contract. Andy pleads: 'Jan, please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.' Clark, on the phone: 'Jan, I don't know what he's talking about, but--'