Sex Ed

Dwight:Dwight approaches day laborers speaking broken Spanish, recruiting them for work

Day Laborers:Day laborers warn each other about Dwight: 'We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and none come back.'

Dwight · Nate:New hire reveals he's from 'la Philadelphia' — he's a fluent English speaker from Pennsylvania, not an immigrant

Nate · Pam · Andy · Kelly · Dwight:Nate attempts to deal with a hornet's nest using a blowtorch, then a bat — chaos ensues with people fleeing and screaming 'They're stinging him!'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional about Nate choosing between tools: 'This is do or die. If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets. And if he doesn't? He'll die.'

Michael:Michael enters asking Erin for 'any mustaches, I mean messages' while wearing a fake mustache

Michael:Michael's confessional explaining why a man would wear a fake mustache: 'He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves other things as well.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time, and she rocks harder than anyone alive.'

Michael:After Phyllis hints it might be something serious, Michael leaps to: 'You mean cancer?'

Jim:Talking head: 'It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.'

Meredith:Meredith casually announces she has herpes — 'I have it myself. That's what it is. I've never seen herpes on you. 'Cause it's on my genitals, genius.'

Michael:Michael asks 'You have a penis?' after Meredith says herpes is on her genitals

Michael · Oscar · Jim:The office debates Michael's age: 'That was, like, 10 years ago.' / 'No, it was, like, four years ago.' / 'Michael, you're at least 46.' / 'Why "at least"? If you're guessing 46, just say 46.'

Angela:Talking head: 'Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.'

Andy:Andy: 'The number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.'

Unknown:'I guess maybe she could marry a meth dealer with crabs...'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'You know what? I feel like one of those old-timey sailors with VD. (in gruff voice) Eh, it's me own darn fault. Girl in every port! What port? The Jan port? The Holly port?'

Michael · Donna:Michael calls Donna to notify her of potential herpes exposure, spelling out 'H-I' — Donna panics thinking it's HIV — then completes: 'R-P-E-E-S'

Michael:Michael to Donna: 'I am calling to see if you gave me herpes, because if you did, I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations.'

Michael · Andy · Stanley · Oscar:Andy's attention-request debate: Michael points out Andy has asked for everyone's attention 'like a year ago' and Andy protests, triggering everyone to cite specific occasions (new phone, World Cup scores)

Michael:Michael calls Holly — gets a man, says 'This is Holly.' Man corrects him. Michael says again 'This is Holly.' Man corrects again. Finally: 'No... This is Michael Scott.'

Michael · Holly:Michael on the phone with Holly: 'Any nuns?' / 'Three nuns.' / 'Missionaries from South Africa.' / 'Were they in the missionary position?' — Holly laughs

Andy:Andy sings an improvised pizza jingle to lure colleagues into his sex-ed session: 'Hot pizza, check it and see / I got a whole bunch of pepperoni'

Michael · Holly:Michael and Holly phone conversation: 'We would have twins.' / 'I don't think we'd have kids. We dated for a few weeks.' / 'We would be married.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight whispering to camera after Michael's Holly call: 'He forgot to mention the herpes.' Michael: 'It didn't come up organically.'

Jan · Michael:Jan has released an album of Doris Day covers on her own label. Michael doesn't get the reference when she sings the 'Enjoli' commercial jingle.

Dwight:Dwight asks if there's an operating theater open to visitors, then wanders off to find one

Jan:Jan: 'Michael Scott, you are here for a post-mortem. You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it.'

Andy · Jim:Andy's sex-ed class: shows photos of genitalia to the office. 'What, 'cause he's black?' / 'Nope. It's 'cause it's genitalia.'

Andy:Andy shows second STD-afflicted genital photo: 'Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it. But you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.'

Jan:Jan's analysis of her relationship with Michael: 'Well, there was a bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets, we were like Jordan and Pippen.'

Jan · Michael:Jan's 'princess' allegory: Michael asks 'Am I the princess?' Jan: 'No, I'm the princess. And the queen.' Michael: 'So I'm the guy at the station.'

Jan · Michael · Astrid:Jan is singing an improvised song to her daughter Astrid (Assie); mid-song, Michael announces 'I have herpes.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy's sex-ed pros/cons list: Kevin contributes 'It feels unbelievable.' Andy asks if that's different from 'feels amazing.' Kevin: 'Yes.' Andy writes it down.

Creed · Andy:Creed: 'The feeling of pure risk.' — submitted as a pro of sex. Andy had it in the cons column; Creed says 'It's thrilling' and Andy moves it.

Andy · Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's baby called an 'unplanned pregnancy' — 'Just admit that your baby was a mistake.' / 'She was a surprise.' / 'I'm sure they don't regret having that child. Let's move it to the pros.'

Dwight · Michael:Michael and Dwight in the car: 'To have the ability to point out if a man is making a bigger deal out of something than is really there.' 'Wait, what Holly said?' 'Yes!' 'I don't... Forget it, Michael. Today is about herpes.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'And who is going to pay.' — added as a third objective after Michael lists who gave him herpes and who has it

Dwight:Dwight yelling navigation: 'Left! Willow, now!' as Michael apparently misses the turn, with car horn blaring.

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight arrive at an elderly care facility; Michael mistakes the wrong woman for Helene and tells Dwight to 'take my grandmother for a walk' — Dwight leads the confused old lady away

Andy:Andy's sex-ed lesson: 'What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski.' (office laughs) Andy: 'I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone here was practicing abstinence.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy demonstrates condom use on a pencil. Oscar: 'Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?' Andy: 'Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith has a reaction (presumably the condom demonstration goes wrong) — 'It'll go away in time. Just don't touch it.' — implying the condom broke or something went wrong

Helene · Michael:Helene to Michael: 'I think that for you to have come here even expecting that we could have a conversation like this shows how self-deluded you are. Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.' Michael's response: 'Jerk.'

Michael · Carole:Michael arrives at a house for sale, finding Carole — his realtor ex — showing it. He pretends he 'pulled in' randomly when she clearly had him tracked down through her office.

Andy:Andy-Erin confrontation: Andy quotes his own proposal to Erin verbatim: 'My good sir, nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.'

Andy:'The only reason I said that is 'cause you asked me so politely, and it was very difficult for me to say no.'

Carole · Michael:Carole showing the house: 'You put the TV there. You put your family here.' — Michael's response to seeing a family room

Michael:Michael: 'I'm between specialists right now.' — responding to Carole asking if a doctor has checked his cold sore

Carole:Carole: 'Yes. Actually, you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date.'

Dwight · Carole:Dwight in Carole's house: 'Excuse me. Someone died in the upstairs bathroom, didn't they?' Carole: 'No.'

Unknown Man · Michael:Crying-but-not-crying stranger gives Michael life advice: 'I'm sweating... Man up, all right? Son, you will win this in the end. It's all about heart and character.' Talking head: 'I have no idea what his problem is. It's just my standard advice.'

Michael · Stranger:An old man (stranger) finds Michael crying/sweating outside. 'Are you crying?' / 'No, I'm just sweating.' / 'I don't know what's got you upset, but my advice is stop crying.'

Stranger:Stranger's talking-head: 'I have no idea what his problem is. It's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?'

Michael:Michael's voicemail to Holly: '...it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck... Holly, you're wrong. You are wrong.'

Michael:Michael's voicemail to Holly: 'Today, I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind, they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show.'

Michael:End of heartfelt Holly voicemail: 'Oh, and you might, you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael tells Oscar he needs to inform him that they may have exchanged an STD from their public kiss — 'Herpes duplex. It's probably just an ingrown mustache hair, but we have to be exhaustive.'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar: 'We were never lovers.' Michael: 'I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...'