Jim Halpert

Michael · Jim:Michael calls Jim 'Grasshopper' and positions himself as the 'master' — then Jim reveals Michael actually called him in.

Jim:Jim's talking head: describing his job as calling clients about quantities and types of copier paper — 'I'm boring myself just talking about this.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight's stapler is in Jell-O — Jim's prank, third time apparently.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'It's not on your desk, it's overlapping. One word, two syllables: demarcation.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight threatens a safety violation — 'I could fall and pierce an organ.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know — tonnage price of manila folders. Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Pudding. Putting. I'm trying to think what other dessert to do.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: long pause, then 'Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding?'

Jim:Jim talking head: 'Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding?'

Jim · Pam · Roy:Jim and Pam's parking lot goodbye: 'What's in the bag?' revisited — Pam leaves with Roy, Jim watches.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Retaliation. Tit for tit.' Jim: 'That is not the expression.' Dwight: 'Well it should be.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'This is my biggest sale of the year... I make one call every year just to renew their account. And that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year. So I buy a mini bottle of champagne and celebrate.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight playing Solitaire/Freecell at work. Dwight: 'A 6 on 7.' Jim: 'I know, I saw that.' Dwight: 'So then why didn't you do it?' Jim: 'I'm saving that cause I like it when the cards go...' Dwight: 'Who doesn't love that?'

Jim:Jim's reaction confessional after seeing Michael sign as Daffy Duck: 'He's gonna lose it when he reads that.'

Jim · Michael:Jim's question after the video: 'Uhh, is that it?' Michael: 'Yes, I only had an hour to put it together, but I'm gonna add onto it later on.' Jim: 'It was kind of hard to hear.' Michael: 'Yeah that probably has something to do with the camera work.'

Michael · Jim:Michael reveals he is 'also part Native American Indian' — '2/15ths.' Jim: 'That fraction doesn't make any sense.' Michael: 'Well, it's kinda hard for me to talk about. It's suffering.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight watching something on the office computer — apparently a show Jim downloaded. Dwight: 'I downloaded it on her computer, I hope she doesn't mind, she has a lot of extra space.' Jim: 'No way, I think she really likes this stuff.' Dwight: 'She's cute, hein?' Jim: 'Yeah, she's engaged but—' Dwight: 'Oh no, the girl on the... sketch.' Jim: 'Oh yeah, she's hot.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight discuss whether the girl in the video is 'cute' — Dwight says 'She's engaged but... oh, no, the girl on the sketch — oh yeah, she's hot'

Jim:Jim on the phone with Mr. Decker: realizes mid-call that another salesman has already taken the account, offering a bigger discount. Jim's expression/silence as he processes this.

Jim:Jim's final confessional: 'Not a bad day.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Anytime Michael asks me to do anything I just tell him that Dwight should do it.'

Michael · Jim:Michael peeks out his office door at Jim with pathetic hope: 'Michael can I talk to you?' Michael: 'I would like to, but I'm really busy, rain check?'

Jim:Jim and co-worker inventing fake diseases for the form. Jim: 'Don't write Ebola, or mad cow disease. All right? Cause I'm suffering from both of them.' Then: 'So let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?'

Jim:'Spontaneous dentohydroplosion.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Damn it! Damn it! Jim!' — Michael realizes Jim has prank-locked him in the office.

Jim · Dwight:Dwight: 'Government-created killer nano-robot infection.' Jim co-worker: 'It's an epidemic.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Count Choculitis.' Dwight to Jim: 'Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim locks Dwight in the conference room using Dwight's own keys — 'Those are my keys.' Jim: 'Good luck.' — Dwight screams 'Jim! Damn it!'

Jim · Dwight · Michael:Jim answers Michael's frantic calls with 'Jim Halpert' in a professional phone voice while Michael screams to be let out; then Dwight calls, threatens to fire Jim; Jim: 'No you can't fire me'; Dwight: 'Yes I can, I'm manager for the day.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight threatens to fire Jim; Jim says he can't; Dwight: 'Yes I can, I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.' Jim: 'Ok, can you hold on one second, I'm getting a bip.'

Jim · Pam · Michael:The Pam/Jim call while Michael screams in the background: both of them having a cheerful normal conversation about the weekend and shoe shopping while Michael is audible and frantic.

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim: 'Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.' — revealing Michael has completely forgotten that he delegated to Dwight specifically to avoid blame.

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five and... What time is it? What time is it?' Jim: 'It's after five.' Michael: 'It's awful.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight approaches Jim and solemnly proposes they form 'an alliance'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Everything Dwight does annoys me... I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only ways that would get me arrested. Then here he comes and says No, Jim, here's a way'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight flexes unprompted and says 'Did you get your tickets? / To what? / The gun show.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight insists the alliance must be 'totally a secret' — immediately followed by Jim telling Pam about it

Jim · Dwight:Dwight panics when he sees Jim talking to Pam — Jim convinces him Pam is an alliance asset because she 'knows the most information'

Jim · Michael:Jim's card message: 'Meredith, I heard you're turning forty-six but come on, you're an accountant — just fudge the numbers'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight and Jim covertly observe Kevin and Toby talking in the kitchen, treating it as enemy intelligence gathering

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight become genuinely distracted discussing how good the deli sandwiches look mid-spy operation

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'We need to assume everyone in the office is forming an alliance' / Dwight: 'Damn it, why us?' / Jim: 'Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.'

Pam · Jim:Pam's fake-concerned confessional to Jim about overhearing sensitive corporate conversations — she's entirely making it up

Jim:Jim's talking head reaction: 'Jackpot. That was beautiful. All her idea, too. Awesome. She's so great.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's concern: 'If you tape the lid down you won't be able to breathe.' / Dwight: 'I can breathe just fine, ok?' / Jim punches air holes anyway

Jim:Jim's revelation to Pam: 'He's in a box, Pam. He's in a BOX. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor near the shells.'

Michael · Jim:Michael catches Jim watching; Jim explains the Oscar charity donation was '$25' / Michael: 'Money isn't everything, Jim. Not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy.'

Jim:Jim: 'Three dollars a mile will end up like fifty bucks. God, can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.'

Jim · Pam:Jim reveals to Pam: he's convinced Dwight he needs to go to Stanford (Connecticut) to spy on the other branch, AND dye his hair to go undercover

Roy · Jim · Pam:Roy overhears Jim trying to explain the alliance prank to Pam and confronts them: 'What the hell is this? Are you trying to cop a feel or something Halpert?'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam trying to explain the alliance to Roy: 'Dwight asked me to be in an alliance... and we've just been messing with him... It's just office pranks. It's stupid, it's just office pranks.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight, newly empowered to assign Saturday work, immediately selects Jim

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Dwight lobbies to be 'assistant team manager' — Michael: 'No, I am the team manager!' — Dwight: 'Assistant team manager?' — Michael: 'No.' — Dwight: 'Okay, we'll see who's working this weekend then.' — Michael immediately: 'Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's conversation with Pam: He offers to take her to the outlet mall on Saturday 'if Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive' — then: 'I think I'll see you at the mall.' 'Yeah.'

Jim · Pam:Pam: 'Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.' Jim: 'I think I'll see you at the mall.' / 'Yeah.'

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim after a hard foul: 'You all right, Jim? Suck it up. He's afraid of you now.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Dwight fouls his own teammate (Jim) — Michael: 'Same team, Dwight.' — Dwight: [no response implied, just continuing]

Michael · Jim:Michael asks Jim his type; Jim says Katy's 'not really my type.' Michael: 'What, are you gay?' Jim: 'Mmm, I don't think so, no.' Michael: 'Well, what is your type?'

Roy · Jim · Pam:Roy: 'Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.' Jim, Pam (off screen): 'We're not dating, we're engaged.' Roy: 'Engaged, yeah.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems... with stuff like work, or, uh, her fiancé Roy. Or, um... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's advice to Dwight: 'If you hit a stall, you have a perfect fallback.' Dwight: 'What's that?' Jim: 'You buy a purse.' Dwight: 'I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls.' Jim: 'Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?' Dwight: 'No.' Jim: 'Okay, I do.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight holds up a purse and says: 'This is the prettiest one of all. I'm gonna be the prettiest girl in the ball.' Jim watches from afar, whispers 'Oh, God, it's sad. It's so sad.'

Jim · Katy:Jim to Katy regarding the purse Dwight is buying: 'You need a hot date more than anyone.' Katy: 'Oh, I wish, right?'

Jim · Katy:Jim asks Katy on a date in private. She says 'I don't think so. I'm really busy.' He persists, she refuses again. He clarifies outside: 'I wanted to ask you out on a date.' She says 'No.' — followed by a long beat.

Jim · Katy:After being rejected, Jim asks: 'Okay, was that no to talking to me in private or no to the date?' Katy: 'Both.'

Jim:Jim, after being rejected, responds to a question about his favorite colors: 'Gray, dark gray, charcoal.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim tells Ryan he's planning to see Katy this weekend: 'dinner, drinks, movie... matching tattoos.' Ryan: 'That's great. Big stuff.'

Jim · Pam:Pam tells Jim she and Roy are going to 'help Roy's cousin move. Because Roy's got a truck.' Jim: 'That's cool.' Pam: 'Uh-huh.' Jim: 'Yes.' Pam: 'That is cool.' Extended beat of mutual awkwardness.

Michael · Katy · Jim:Michael enthusiastically tries to carry Katy's bags for her as she leaves; she politely declines; he insists — 'Sure you don't want me to help you with that? 'Cause I can grab that, no problem.' — and she leaves with Jim instead

Jim:"You know what they say about a car wreck where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you."

Michael · Jim:Michael's old footage labels Jim as 'Fat Halpert' on the Dundies tape.

Jim · Michael:Jim says he keeps his Dundies hidden so he won't 'get cocky,' then Michael reveals his are in a display case above his bed.

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time, so you're kind of there.'

Jim:Jim's closing confessional recap: 'We got to see Ping, and we learned Michael's true feelings for Ryan, which was touching. And we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs, which for me has ruined them for life.'

Jim · Pam:Jim helps drunk Pam to her car. Pam says 'I just wanted to say thanks.' Jim: 'That's not really a question.'

Michael · Jim:Michael orchestrates a fake email chain so he can 'discover' a forwarded joke in his spam folder — the joke setup is entirely manufactured by him for an audience of one

Todd Packer · Jim:Packer to Jim: 'What's up, Halpert? Still queer?'

Jim:'Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy!' — Jim uses Packer's own joke structure against him, mid-scene

Jim:Jim's talking head about Pam's visiting mom: 'She really wants to meet everybody... I have a lot of questions. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?'

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim: 'No, thanks, I'm good.' / Michael: 'That's what she said.' — immediately after announcing his retirement from comedy

Jim · Michael:Jim: 'Does that include That's what she said?' / Michael: 'Mm-hmm, yes.' / Jim: 'Wow, that is really hard. Do you really think you can go all day long?'

Jim:You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.

Jim:Fair enough.

Jim · Unknown colleague:This scented candle, which I found in the men's bathroom, represents the eternal burning of competition... or something. / It smells like cookies. / Yes it does, yes it does my friend.

Jim:We will be competing for gold, silver, and bronze yogurt lids. Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the backside of the gold, so no flipping, okay? Honor system.

Jim · Pam:You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies, and I'm blanking on the name... could you help me out Pam? / Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton — in English, 'box of papers snowshoe racing.'

Phyllis · Jim:Flonkerton visual: Phyllis shuffling down the office with paper boxes strapped to her feet.

Jim:Phyllis by a nose — gold medal in flunenton — Flonkerton! Thank you, delegate from Iceland.

Jim · Phyllis:I think that's a HOR for Stanley, and a HO for Phyllis. / Are you calling me a ho?

Jim:Oh my god, Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

Jim:Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration? Ryan Howard! Ryan, gold medal.

Jim · Pam:I made something for a closing ceremony. / What? Oh my god! / When did you have time to make that? / Automatic voice-mail.

Jim:Yeah, I filled out these expense reports. That took about 5 minutes. And then I closed 2 sales at lunchtime. So... about as productive as any other day, if not more so.

Jim:Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?

Jim · Michael:Michael? / Yep. Jim, slim Jim.

Michael · Jim:Michael tells Jim about the condo: 'it's a 3-bedroom gay-friendly.' Jim: 'nice.'

Jim · Pam · Michael:These are the closing ceremonies, step up! / Here on the top one. / Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo — gold medal!

Pam · Jim · Dwight:And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. / Get on up here Dwight! / Silver medal. / Yep, but not as good as gold!

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'What the hell is that?' Jim: 'Those are the doves.' — referring to what are presumably paper doves or similarly improvised visual effects.

Jim · Pam:Jim flatly suggests Katy could just call his extension, Pam replies 'Okay' — a loaded non-answer that speaks volumes

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'He hasn't evaluated me in years.'

Jim:Jim's camera look / talking head reaction: 'So, it's not the same thing at all.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's desert island movies: 'Fargo, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused... Breakfast Club... The Princess Bride.' Then: 'Yes, in my top three, so suck it.'

Jim · Michael:Jim lists The Princess Bride as his all-time favorite movie but gets cut off by Michael for going over five

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's barely verbal response to Jim calling his name — 'Come on, Dwight, use words'

Jim · Dwight:Jim suggests Dwight quit: 'Then Ryan wins.' Dwight: 'Yeah, you're right.' — treating workplace dynamics as a literal competition

Jim:Jim's answer to 'Who would you do?': 'Kevin, hands down. Yeah, I mean he's really got that teddy bear thing going on and afterwards we could just watch bowling.'

Jim · Kevin:Jim's 'Who would you do' answer: 'Kevin, hands down. Yeah, I mean he's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards we could just watch bowling.'

Jim · Michael:Jim: 'What if he dies in the fire, and that's the last thing you ever said to him?' Michael: 'I didn't say it to him. I said it about him.'

Jim · Katy:Jim asks Katy for her number, then pretends he doesn't have it — she has to give it again while he clearly had it all along

Dwight · Jim · Pam · Michael:The office collectively piles on Ryan: 'Toaster Oven 101. You failed?' / 'I'm so sorry.' / 'Hey, I know what'll impress everybody. I'll start a fire.' / 'Bad idea jeans.'

Jim · Katy:The crowd has dispersed — Katy gives her answers to an empty group: 'Okay, I think the game's over. People are, like, leaving.' / 'There was a bigger crowd last time.'

Pam · Jim · Katy:Jim and Katy leave together while Pam watches; the group coos 'They are so cute.' Cut to Pam's face.

Jim · Michael:Jim's costume: 'I'm a three-hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain white Jim, or three-hole punch.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head dismissal of Dwight's costume: 'Three round pieces of paper taped to his shirt.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam have posted Dwight's resume on Monster.com, Google, and Craigslist, specifically targeting jobs that take him out of state — 'Preferably Alaska, or India'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's Dwight resume writing: 'He's a gun nut' becomes 'He sticks to his guns'

Jim · Pam:'A dog-like obedience to authority' reframed as 'the ultimate team player'

Jim:Jim: 'We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Preferably Alaska, or India.' — camera look/beat after 'India'

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes.' Beat. 'Pennies.' Beat. 'Walnuts.'

Jim:Someone notices a woman's dress is stuck 'kind of just...' — a visual wardrobe malfunction beat

Jim:Jim explains to the camera: 'This is called leveraging an offer.'

Michael · Jim:Jim tells Michael about the Cumberland Mills offer; Michael: 'Fantastic.' Jim: 'And I turned it down.' Michael: 'WHAT? That would've solved all my problems.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Oh, you idiot.' Dwight: 'If you left I wouldn't have to fire anybody.' Jim: 'But then you wouldn't have me here.' Michael: 'Big deal, oh!'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Can you call 'em?' Dwight: 'I can't, I suppose I could, no. They never really made me an offer anyway.' Michael: 'Why are you torturing me?'

Pam · Jim:Pam to Jim: 'Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'Of course I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim has moved Dwight's entire desk — with everything on it — to an unexpected location, prompting Dwight's panicked 'Where is my desk?'

Jim:Jim: 'I think you should retrace your steps.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim playing 'Hot and Cold' as Dwight wanders around the office looking for his desk — 'Colder.' / 'Warmer.' / 'Cold. Cold. Cold. Back up.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim guides Dwight through 'warmer/warmer/warmer/cold/cold/back up' in the hot-cold game while Dwight follows instructions

Jim · Dwight:'Warmer. Hot. Red hot. Hot. Very hot.' — culminating in Dwight finding his desk in an absurd location

Jim · Dwight:Jim calls Dwight about paper pricing — information he has clearly asked for many times before as a prank mechanism

Dwight · Jim:Dwight answers the phone 'Dwight Schrute. Hi, Dwight.' — answering his own greeting

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.' Dwight: 'Assistant Sensei.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight: 'As sempai, do you ever think that there's gonna be a day where humans and robots can peacefully coexist?' Dwight begins to answer earnestly: 'Impossible. The way they're programmed...'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'You're mocking me.' Jim: 'No, I'm not.' Dwight: 'Well, let me offer you a little piece of advice...'

Jim · Dwight:Jim steals Dwight's purple belt. Dwight: 'Okay, give that back to me.' Jim: 'Say please.' Dwight: 'No.' Jim: 'Please? Please!' Dwight: 'Good. And it absolutely is a toy.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'I've beat up black belts.' Jim: 'And how did you know they were black belts?' Michael: 'They told me after.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, right?' Jim: 'You're a Jet?'

Michael · Jim:Jim asks if Michael has signed expense reports. Michael: 'Yes, in theory I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's.'

Jim · Pam:Jim bribes Pam to get Michael to ask Dwight to stay late: 'I'll buy you a bag of chips.' Pam: 'French onion?' Jim: 'Obviously.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'Well, we're all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tricks Dwight into looking at his palm: 'Your love line... I'm just kidding. I can't see anything.' Dwight: 'Look closer.' Jim: 'Oh, okay. One point for me.'

Michael · Jim:Michael does a Raging Bull pose for the camera: 'You talking to me?' Jim: 'Raging Bull. Pacino.' Michael: 'Oh, I want that footage, I want it. I need it.'

Michael · Jim:Michael and Jim spot Ryan eating lunch by his car and Michael says: 'Let us play with him. This is going to be hilarious.'

Michael · Jim:Michael calls Ryan's phone: 'Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.' Then: 'Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy. But I never knew why. Interesting.'

Jim · Pam:It is a screenplay... starring himself. Agent Michael Scarn. Of the F.B.I.

Jim · Pam:Oh, wait, stop. Drawings. What is that? Oh, those are drawings in case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head.

Jim · Phyllis:Do we all have our copy of Threat Level Midnight by Michael Scott? All right, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions. And Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta-Jones. That's the character's name?

Dwight · Jim:This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy. You took something that doesn't belong to you. / Do you want to play the lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?

Jim · Phyllis · Dwight:Inside the F.B.I., Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta-Jones enters. Sir, you have some messages. Not now! They're important. Okay, what are they? The first message is... I love you. That's from me. Not in 1,000 years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk.

Jim · Dwight:If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang. / Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight. / Thank you for noticing.

Jim · Oscar:A man sitting several seats down who has a gold face turns to Michael Scarn. / Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?

Jim · Dwight:Samuel, you are such an idiot! You are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. Wait, who's Dwigt?

Dwight · Jim:Okay, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end. / Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so... / Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim.

Jim · Pam:For the bugs. / Nice. / That's excellent because bugs love... my famous grilled cheese sandwich.

Jim · Pam:Jan didn't come back for her car last night. What? Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?

Jim · Pam:I'm not a complainer. / Wow. For the bugs. / Pretty good date. / We didn't dance. / You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like... swaying. / Swaying isn't dancing. / But still romantic.

Pam · Jim:Why might some say that? / 'Cause there was dinner. By candlelight. / Dinner and a show if you include Michael's movie. / And there was dancing and fireworks.

Jim:At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.

Jim:At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.

Jim:At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.

Jim:Oh, come on. Pam, I'm... Okay, we didn't dance. And I was totally joking, anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.' Jim: 'Done.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: "When people say something is mutual, it never is. But this was mutual." Then plays the voicemail — 'I guess I missed you.'

Michael · Jim:Michael insists "I guess I missed you" means Jan is romantically conflicted; Jim says it literally means she missed him and he won't be happy with the interpretation

Michael · Jim:Michael forces a more favorable interpretation — "she's conflicted, she has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings for you" — and when Jim gives him this, he immediately loves it

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim the tip for his performance review is to suggest double-tabbed manila file folders — "We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders." "Oh yes we do." "No we don't."

Jim · Dwight:Jim announces he's going to ask for a pay decrease. Dwight: "That is so stupid." Jim: "What if he gives it to you?" Jim: "Then I win."

Jim:Jim's talking head: "Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon."

Jim · Dwight:The Apprentice conversation: Dwight thinks it's Thursday and panics about missing the show he watches every Thursday night.

Pam · Jim:Pam and Jim's talking head about Michael and Jan: "Do you think Michael and Jan actually..." / "I don't really want to picture it, but thank you, Pam." Then: "How do you come back from that?" / "You don't." / "No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that as a human being?" / "Oh yeah. No. I don't think you can."

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Final scene: Michael checks his watch and notices Dwight is absent. "Never missed a day my ass." — then Dwight bursts in at 20:55: "I'm here! I'm here! It's okay!"

Jim · Dwight · Angela:Jim confessional: 'Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to delete all of her sensitive e-mails. Immediately!'

Jim:Jim's confessional comparing his curiosity about Dwight/Angela to 'squishing a spider under a book — it's gonna be really gross, but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight for advice about 'a friend' who likes two women at work — one tall and brunette, one short, blond, perky, and 'kind of judgmental' — clearly describing Pam and Katie

Jim:Jim confessional: Lists three ingredients for a great party (beer, karaoke, not inviting Michael) as parallel items with equal weight

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'My roommate wants to meet everybody, because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up.' Cut to Dwight: 'He is very real.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight finds out about Jim's party via internet directions; Jim tries to manage the situation by telling Dwight it's a surprise party for Michael

Jim:Jim and colleague's confessional: 'Dwight thinks tonight is a surprise party for Michael.' 'Really? That's great.' 'Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.'

Jim · Pam:Jim casually asks if Roy is coming, Pam says no, Jim responds 'Oh, okay. Cool.' with a very studied casualness

Jim:Jim's party intro: 'Despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly. So please enjoy.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight corners Jim at the party to ask when the 'guest of honor' is coming, excited for Michael's surprise

Jim:Jim gives an improvised 'group tour' of his own house to party guests, complete with rules: no flash photography, please refrain from touching things

Jim · Unknown:Party guest asks if Katy is coming; Jim says he 'hasn't talked to her in a while'; guest asks to call her; Jim says 'We'll talk about that later'

Jim · Pam · Michael:Michael wanders into Jim's bedroom during the tour and ends up at Jim's desk; Pam sits in Jim's chair

Jim · Pam:Jim sets up his home-office desk to recreate the Dunder Mifflin layout; Pam sits in Jim's chair, Jim notes that makes her 'right here' and Dwight would be 'you know what, let's just leave that image out of it. This is a happy place.'

Jim · Pam:Pam sees young Jim in yearbook: 'Oh, yeah. You were so dorky!' Jim: 'Thank you.'

Jim · Guests:Jim's party: guests start talking about paper sales ('I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did'); Jim: 'I'm sorry, guys, can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about.'

Michael · Phyllis · Jim · Pam:Phyllis, when Michael asks about secret office romances: 'You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim, right?'

Jim:Jim confessional: 'Hey, how's your new side project going?' 'Oh yeah, I gave that up.' 'Really?' 'Yeah. It turns out I was just grasping at straws.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean they're together. People can just be friends. And I think it was really unfair of us to assume that there was anything else going on.'

Jim · Michael:"Why did you get it so big?" / "A, that's what she said. And B, I wanted it to be impressive."

Jim:Jim's talking-head confessional about getting Pam in Secret Santa — the teapot stuffed with inside jokes including a high school yearbook photo that 'really makes her laugh'

Jim:"I'm not sure why." — Jim's reaction to explaining why his yearbook photo makes Pam laugh, delivered with a small sheepish pause

Jim:Jim kept a hot sauce packet Pam accidentally put on a hot dog two years ago, and kept 'the other two'

Jim:Jim holds up an additional item in the teapot — "This would take a little too long to explain. So I won't."

Jim:"And this is a card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel." — Jim, staring at camera with complete awareness

Jim:Jim gets a gift that is clearly something the giver grabbed from their own closet — Jim's camera look and deadpan delivery

Jim:"He obviously forgot to get me something. And then he went into his closet and dug out this little number. And then threw it in a bag." — Jim's confessional, followed by: "Yep, that's exactly what happened."

Jim · Michael:"This is 400 bucks." / "You don't know that." / "Yeah, you left the price tag on." / "I did, what? Oh, shoot. Wow."

Meredith · Jim:Meredith immediately steals the teapot — Jim's carefully curated gift for Pam enters the Yankee Swap chaos

Jim:"I bought that specifically for Pam." — Jim, helpless as his gift circulates

Jim:Jim's confessional: "Yes! There you go. I want the teapot." — then steals the teapot for himself with relief

Jim:Jim takes the book of short stories to free up Oscar's teapot, then immediately steals the teapot: 'Yes! There you go. I want the teapot.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim attempting to trade with Dwight for the teapot — offers a shamrock keychain: "A real man makes his own luck. Billy Zane, 'Titanic'."

Jim:Jim's camera look after Dwight describes pouring tea into his nose — "To think that my gift to Pam will be used for that... it's a little too much to handle."

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'To think that my gift to Pam will be used for that... It's a little too much to handle.'

Jim · Ryan:Ryan on the phone at the party, pretending to be on an important call — Jim: "You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know." / Ryan: "I was just checking out my present."

Pam · Jim:Pam at her desk pretending to check her phone when Jim approaches; 'No. I was just checking out my present.'

Jim · Pam:Jim reveals he traded with Dwight for the teapot — Pam's reaction

Pam · Jim:Pam opens the teapot and discovers all the inside-joke items — yearbook photo, Boggle timer — her genuine delight

Jim · Dwight:Jim has placed all of Dwight's desk items inside a vending machine, requiring Dwight to buy them back with coins

Jim:Jim's talking head prediction: 'Michael stands in the front of the boat and says he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.'

Jim:Jim's quiet confessional about Roy: 'Sometimes I just don't get Roy.' — delivered after the camera catches him watching Pam

Jim · Pam:Jim to Pam on the deck: 'So... what's it like dating a cheerleader?' — long pause, scene lingers

Jim · Dwight:Jim confessional: 'I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?' — immediately followed by Dwight's proud response that Captain Jack gave him real responsibility

Jim · Michael · Darryl:Jim's answer to 'who would you save if the office is on fire?': 'The customer, because the customer is king.' Michael: 'Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.' Darryl: 'He's just sucking up.'

Katy · Jim:Katy to Jim: 'Do you think that'll ever be us?' Jim: 'No.'

Jim · Katy:Katy: 'What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?' Jim: 'I don't know.' / 'Let's break up.'

Jim · Michael:'What happened to you?' / 'Captain Jack has a problem with authority.' / 'Right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking?' / 'Yeah. He just totally lost it.' / 'If you ask me, he caused the panic.'

Michael · Jim:Michael's all-purpose consolation: 'Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.' / 'She was always engaged. Roy said the first one didn't count.'

Jim · Michael:Jim confessional: 'You know, to tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...' Michael: 'Really? You're kidding me.' / 'You and Pam? Wow!' / 'I would have never put you two together. You really hid it well. God!'

Jim · Michael:Jim's confession to Michael: 'I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'You know I made out with Jan.' Jim: 'Yeah, I know.' Michael: 'Yeah, yeah.'

Jim:Jim describes Pam: 'She's really funny, and she's warm, and she's just... Anyway.'

Jim · Dwight:Episode closing: Dwight confidently navigating, Jim tells him 'It's a fake wheel, dummy.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight volunteers to rescue Michael despite Michael explicitly not wanting him

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight immediately crashes his car into a pole while rushing to rescue Michael

Jim · Pam:'He's still driving.' followed by 'Dwight... you forgot your bumper!'

Jim · Pam:Jim's Russian music website joke with Pam — 'the only thing is, all the songs are in Russian'

Jim · Pam:Jim calls Pam 'Pan' as he leaves — an apparent concussion symptom

Jim · Pam:Jim's talking head: 'So I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now.' Cut to Pam: 'Oh God, no. Dwight isn't my friend.'

Jim · Pam:Pam and Jim watch something off-camera — 'Hey, cut...' — implying Dwight is doing something alarming or bizarre

Michael · Jim:Michael falls off the toilet and gets wedged between the toilet and wall

Michael · Jim:'Not you. Someone else. Get Pam.' / 'I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room.'

Michael · Jim:Michael demands Ryan 'clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.' Jim: 'Ryan is...dead.' Michael: 'No he's not.' Jim: 'Dead.'

Jim · Michael:Jim tells Michael that Ryan is 'dead.' Michael: 'No he's not.' Jim: 'Dead.' Michael: 'I just saw him.' Jim: 'He's...'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'Do you think Dwight's being a little weird today?' Pam: 'No... He's actually been really nice and helpful.' Jim: 'And that isn't weird?'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Michael's disability awareness poster wall includes Tom Hanks — twice — from different movies

Jim · Pam:Talking head discussion about Dwight: 'The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion.'

Jim · Pam · Michael:Nobody wants to take Dwight to the hospital — each person tries to pass responsibility to someone else

Dwight · Jim:Dwight doing 'Vietnam sounds' — possibly moaning, humming, or making sound effects — on the way to the elevator

Michael · Jim:Michael, from the front seat, calls 'Shotgun!' — Jim: 'You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight?'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Michael on seeing it's a minivan: 'Oh God, a minivan. What is Meredith's problem? Well, I think she has a kid. Yeah, she has one kid and no husband. She's not going to find one driving this thing around.'

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight finds a bottle under the seat and drinks from it in the van on the way to the hospital

Jim · Dwight · Michael:'Dwight, what is your middle name?' 'Danger.' '...Something with a K.' 'It's Kurt.' 'Wow, I'm so sad that I know that.'

Jim · Michael:The hospital admission form: Jim writes 'bringing someone to the hospital' under reason for visit instead of his own symptoms

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam phone call: tender reconciliation, then immediately both say 'Okay, uh, yeah, no' — talking over each other and neither saying anything meaningful

Jim · Michael:Jim sets up the 'updog' joke on Michael, who walks right into it

Jim · Dwight:Jim tries to get Dwight with 'does this place smell like updog' and Dwight almost bites but then catches himself — 'Damn it'

Jim:Jim's camera look after Michael makes Phyllis's bridal talk weird — 'Man, this must be torture for you.'

Michael · Jim:Michael sidles up to Jim at the vending machine: 'See the game last night?' Jim: 'Which game?' Michael: 'Any of 'em.'

Michael · Jim · Stanley:Michael attempts to speak to Jim in 'code' about Pam using the letter P while Stanley is right there — 'P-A-M... P-A?'

Jim:Jim to the woman at the vending machine: 'Peach iced tea. You're gonna hate it.'

Jim:Jim drinking grape soda: 'It's grrrrape soda' with a Tony the Tiger impression

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Tony the Tiger, you don't hear that much anymore.' Jim: 'Not so much.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael deflects Dwight's interrogation by making up a fake story about the Oscar investigation — Dwight becomes satisfied and thanks him

Michael · Jim:Michael proposes a picnic in the break room to 'talk about you-know-who' — then Jim immediately capitulates to the more public option of going out to avoid this

Michael · Jim:Michael introduces Jim and himself as brothers, Jim immediately denies it, Michael pivots to 'I'm his boss, and I can afford to pay for his lunch'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'What do you like best about Pam? Her legs or boobs?' Jim: 'She's easy to talk to and has a good sense of humor.' Michael: 'Really? She never gets any of my jokes.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'What about you?' [meaning 'what do YOU like about Pam'] — Michael answers: 'Her boobs, definitely.'

Michael · Jim · Dana:The Hooters staff sings Happy Birthday to Jim — Michael announces it behind Jim's back as a surprise, clearly enjoying it more than Jim is

Jim · Michael:Michael asks what Jim and Dana talked about: 'Just, you know, politics. Literature.' / 'I hate you.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.'

Jim:Jim's camera look when Pam asks 'which one is Pam?' or when Michael announces his secret has gotten out

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Well, the cat's out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam. And now I don't.' — three-second pause, camera holds on him.

Jim · Pam:Jim finds expired coupon in desk cleaning: 'Coupon for a free sandwich.' 'Score.' 'Expired in August.' 'Big day. Big day.'

Jim · Pam:Pam: 'I kind of thought maybe you did. When I first started.' Jim: 'Oh, you did? You saw through me. Great.'

Jim · Pam:Pam: 'I kind of... I thought that maybe you did. When I first started.' / Jim: 'Oh, you did?' / Pam: 'I mean, just cause we, like, got along so well.' / Jim: 'You saw through me. Great.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'So are you gonna be, like, totally awkward around me now?' Pam: 'Oh yeah.' Jim: 'Hope that's okay.' Pam: 'Mm-hmm.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'And Pam. It was, like, three years ago. So I am totally over it.' — then sustained camera hold.

Michael · Jim:Michael's emotional scene — he's crying in his office, tells Jim 'I just hope this doesn't affect our friendship!'

Jim:Jim sees Michael exiting Pam's office: 'Shut it, Michael. I'm done. That's it, I'm out.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'What? Oh, nothing.' — delivered to camera after being asked about Pam's vacation

Jim:Jim continues: 'And she set a date for the wedding with Roy. June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:The discovery of something horrible in Michael's office: 'Whoa! God! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! What? Yuck! Wow, what happened in there?' ... 'How could that happen? How could... Right in the middle of the carpet.'

Jim:Jim's silent reaction beat — implied camera look — to Michael suggesting they share a desk

Jim · Kelly:Jim moves to Kelly's area; Kelly explains Toby had to move 'because of an allergy.' Jim: 'Allergy to... the desk?' Kelly: 'Weird.'

Michael · Jim:Todd Packer's desk history: Jim and Michael discuss that Packer used to sit in the bullpen; Michael's face lights up

Jim · Kelly:Jim asks Kelly to relay Michael's question about the chair lever; Kelly: 'That's what I told him. Thanks.' / Jim afterward: 'Oh, my God, he is so cute.'

Kelly · Jim:Kelly begs Jim to be her go-between with Michael: 'Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? ... Oh, please, Jim. Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please, he's so cute. I like him so much... Please, Jim. Please, please, please. Please, Jim. Please, please, please.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim and Ryan conversation that slides into vacation planning: 'I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend. And when I wake up, I feel fine. But it's so weird to fall asleep.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim starts to ask Dwight about Kelly: 'What do you think of Kelly?' Dwight: 'I don't know. It depends if you like a little junk in...' Jim: 'She's really cool.'

Kelly · Jim:Jim as romantic go-between: Kelly tells him Michael is interested in 'long-term, fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?'

Jim:Jim leaves a voicemail for 'Brenda from the boat': citing that she gave her number to corporate 'probably because you wanted me to ask you out, right?'

Pam · Jim:Pam's reaction shot to Jim's voicemail: 'You just asked a girl out on the phone.' Jim: 'Yep.' [pause] 'Yes.'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin to Jim: 'I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.' / Jim: 'Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.' / Kevin: 'I got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.'

Roy · Jim:Roy confronting Jim about the 'crush' rumor — the entire conversation where Roy insists they're 'cool' while Jim clearly is not fine

Michael · Jim · Roy:Michael's 'guys' gripe session: 'We even like the same girls, some of us.' — followed by extreme awkward silence with Jim and Roy both present

Jim · Roy:Jim and Roy's awkward 'should I leave?' exchange after Michael's comment about liking the same girls

Warehouse workers · Jim:The warehouse workers complaining about taking dates to restaurants but then pivoting to 'gas ain't free!' / 'On our salaries!'

Jim · Warehouse workers:Jim being slowly absorbed into the warehouse workers' union conversation: 'Word.' / 'No, you don't. You don't feel us.' / 'Not literally.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'You know what? We could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line.' / 'This here is a run-out-the-clock situation.'

Jim:'Just like upstairs.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's phone call — Pam says 'We watched a video about our changing bodies.' / Jim: 'Did you really?' / Pam: 'No. Oh. Almost.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'You gotta take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you wanna be a receptionist here, always?'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else. So this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day.'

Kelly · Jim:Kelly's rapid-fire recap of her night with Ryan, ending with: 'I mean, I just said it to him. Can you believe that?' Jim's face during this monologue.

Jim · Kelly:Jim invites Kelly to his poker game to cheer her up. Kelly: 'Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan?'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's goodbye: 'Heading out?' 'Yeah.' 'All right, Beesly.' 'Hey, happy Valentine's Day.' 'Bye.'

Michael · Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Phyllis · Creed · Ryan:Michael yelling 'Heisman!' while throwing a football in the parking lot, interspersed with him demanding the ball back from every single coworker including Creed, as the football chaotically passes through the entire office staff

Michael · Jim:Michael reading sale ads and musing 'Maybe I should get a TiVo... DVD burner... you are so lucky, Jim, you don't have this problem' — implying the 'problem' is having money to spend

Jim · Michael:'What was the ninth place prize again? A loaf of bread?' — 'Cojino's pizza.' — 'Question, do their pizzas play DVDs?'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Dwight was the top salesman of the year... It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania based mid-size paper company regional salesman can attain, so...' — long pause to camera

Michael · Jim:Michael asking Jim 'Are you sad that Dwight beat you? Are you gonna cry? Do you need a tissue?'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael's public speaking joke lesson: 'What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? A saleswoman has a vagina.' — Jim: 'It's a joke, Dwight, it's not a sex ed class.' — Dwight: 'But I'm right.'

Jim:Jim's 'toast': 'I am going on a trip. But I'm not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended.'

Creed · Michael · Jim:Creed stands up to toast 'Amsterdam' and reveals he went there after his divorce for 'about a week. Or maybe a month.' Michael: 'Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam, trust me.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim asks Dwight where he'd travel; Dwight says he'd go to New Zealand 'and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mt. Doom. Now just leave me alone.'

Ryan · Pam · Jim:Ryan casually mentions he doesn't see himself ever getting married — Pam reacts with an 'Oh.' — long uncomfortable beat — then Ryan is later told to be more sensitive because 'it's obvious she likes you'

Jim · Ryan:Jim pulls Ryan aside: 'Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you.' — Ryan: 'I know what I said.' — Then Ryan pivots to apologize to someone for their hearing aid, completely changing the subject

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Australia? I have always wanted to go there. I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor, but other than that... Yeah, I bought the ticket. Non-refundable.'

Jim · Pam:Jim tells Pam he's leaving on June 8th. Pam says 'Oh.' Jim: 'Yeah, and I'm really sorry about that.' Long pause. Pam: 'Oh, yeah, that's too bad.' Then awkward silence.

Jim · Pam:Jim offers to take Pam's papers 'on my way out'; she says 'It's okay, I got it'; he says 'All right. Thanks. Okay.' and leaves — extended awkward non-exchange

Michael · Jim · Dwight:That's Batman. That's Batman. Okay. I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys? The ocean. I work with a bunch of nerds.

Jim · Dwight:We'd have to explain everything. It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.

Jim · Abby:Jim bonds with Abby over a shared love of 'From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler' and immediately recruiting her to help with sales calls.

Pam · Jim:He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone. I can't believe his mom dressed him like that. That's the real tragedy.

Child · Jim · Kevin:Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight? Oh, man, I would love to. I can't tonight. But can I come over some other time? What are you doing? You never have plans.

Jim · Kevin:Thanks, Kev. I'm actually going on a date. Nice.

Pam · Jim:Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play. I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.

Jim:Various employees give talking heads about what they'd do with a week to live — Jim mentions Europe, South America, the Grand Canyon, the Pacific Ocean — 'It would be a pretty busy week.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's inventory of Kevin's gift: '69 Cup of Noodles — which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number. And his favorite lunch.'

Jim:Jim mentions Kevin lent 'American Pie 2' to Creed, so 'I can guarantee you he won't get that back.'

Jim:Jim and another employee (apparently in a laundry room or similar offsite location) have a mundane conversation about fabric softener while hiding from the Michael birthday chaos.

Jim · Pam:I dare you to make an announcement. / You dare me? How old are you?

Jim · Pam:Jim dares Pam to make an announcement over the store PA system. She does: 'Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.'

Jim · Pam:Pam gets on the PA again: 'Jim Halpert, price check on fabric softener.' Jim's visible embarrassment and her line 'How old are you? / I hate you.'

Jim:Jim asks Pam if she can get on her fiancé's health plan — 'Our health plan is terrible.'

Jim:Jim tells Pam she should do a breast self-exam in the shower: 'Those things are like ticking time bags.'

Jim · Pam:Jim/Pam talking head closer: 'Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know. It was a good day.' — quiet, simple, repeated.

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.' Then lists marijuana symptoms that describe Kevin exactly.

Jim:Jim confessional: 'I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight holds up the drug evidence: 'Do you know what this is?' / Jim: 'Yes, it's marijuana.' / Dwight: 'How do you know that?' / Jim: 'It's labeled.' / Dwight: 'Dammit.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.' Jim: 'No. It's marijuana.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Jim: 'Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.' Jim: 'I would remember.' Dwight: 'Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?' Jim: 'That's not how it works.' Dwight: 'Now, how do you know how it works?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight interrupts his own interview by switching to asking Jim to do a Stanley impression — having heard from Pam that Jim does impressions

Jim · Stanley:Jim does his Stanley impression — 'Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?' — and Stanley walks in mid-impression

Jim:Jim (still under Jinx) gestures/reacts but cannot speak — and someone says 'Sorry, that's not my problem.' Jim is visibly frustrated but mute

Dwight · Jim:Dwight takes Jim aside: 'I know you're innocent. But I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.' — conducting a fake interview for appearances

Michael · Pam · Jim:Michael puts Pam in charge of finding a drug tragedy story — suggests Jim has 'an amazing story about a relative caught up in the world of drugs' — Jim who is under Jinx and cannot speak

Jim · Michael:Jim fake cries — escalating melodrama — then stops abruptly. Michael: 'Oh. Okay, are you sure? That looked like it was gonna be good.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim sitting silently under Jinx while Dwight tries to get him to confess something — 'You look like you wanna tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim (unable to speak due to jinx) sits across from Dwight during the investigation while Dwight tries to get him to confess something; Jim just stares

Jim · Dwight:Jim finally breaks Jinx by buying Dwight a magazine instead of a Coke — 'I'd like a magazine.' / Lab worker: 'We just need urine, sir.' / Dwight: 'I'd still like one.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim he passed thanks to 'your untainted pee'; Jim looks at camera

Jim · Dwight:Jim buys Dwight's Coke from him — establishing contact — 'I haven't talked to you in hours, and it's been weird.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Wow, what a terrible day to not be able to talk.'

Jim:We both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet.

Toby · Dwight · Jim:Toby has a standing Friday 4pm appointment with Dwight to file grievances against Jim. The box labeled as a 'special file in New York' is just a box in Toby's office.

Jim · Pam:Jim asks about Roy's opinion on Pam's feelings. Pam: 'I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.' Jim: 'You mean, like your thoughts and feelings.' Pam: 'Yeah.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's parking space non-resolution: 'I know you keep saying it's your space even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting.' 'Yes, that's the problem.' 'I guess so.' 'Okay. Well, all settled then.'

Jim:Jim suggests he and Dwight take their ID photo together to 'save time' — implying they could start carpooling.

Michael · Jim · Dwight:Jim's grievances read aloud: crayons replacing pens, everyone calling Dwight 'Dwayne' for $5 each, a bloody glove planted in Dwight's desk with Jim claiming Dwight might be 'the real murderer.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's prank: telling Dwight there's an abandoned infant in the women's room. 'When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.' 'Gag.'

Jim:Jim's nickel prank: gradually adding nickels to Dwight's handset until he got used to the weight, then removing them all so Dwight knocked himself in the head with the phone.

Jim:Jim's macro prank: every time Dwight typed his name, it printed 'diapers.'

Jim:Jim's desk prank: moving it one inch closer to the copier every time Dwight went to the bathroom. 'And that's how I spent my entire day, that day.'

Jim:Jim's talking head reflection: 'You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight's shared talking head about whether Stamford would be good: 'It's a good market. Higher volume.' Dwight: 'Maybe we should both go.' Jim: 'I have a girlfriend.' Dwight: 'Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's voicemail to Pam about a 'doctor's appointment in the city' — revealed to be a meeting with Jan about the Stamford transfer.

Jim:Jim asks the Hooters waitress 'How long is the wait for a table for two?' at the Casino Night setup

Jim · Pam:Jim's grandfather was buried in the tux — 'family heirloom'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight claims he can win at roulette through 'mind control' and that he's had this power since he was 8 or 9

Jim · Dwight · Office Staff:Jim's extended 'telekinesis' performance — the full 30-second silence as everyone waits for him to move the coat rack

Jim:Jim watching wedding bands with Pam: 'These are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And yes, they're all probably very bad. And that'll make me feel better about not having dreams.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam sprint back to stop Kevin losing the band: 'You're gonna lose him to another wedding. Kev!'

Roy · Jim:Jim's confessional: 'I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon...' — wait, that's Roy. Followed by 'Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well... I have no future here.'

Kevin · Jim · Pam:Kevin discovered playing drums AND singing simultaneously in Scrantonicity — Jim and Pam's escalating disbelief ('On the drums! On the drums!')

Jim · Dwight:Jim's fake poker tell: Jim coughs; Dwight folds. Confessional: 'Every time I cough, he folds.'

Jim · Pam:Jim tells Pam he's in love with her

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's kiss: 'You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.' 'Me too.'

Jim · Pam:'I think we're just drunk.' 'No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?' 'No.'

Jim:Jim's phone buzzes and he looks at it — it reads 'Pam'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.'

Jim:Jim's talking head from Stamford: 'I miss that.'

Jim:Jim watching someone else do a Jell-O mold prank (the calculator) via webcam or reference — 'I miss that.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's note to Dwight on the Jell-O prank: 'I hope this helps. Jim.' — and we infer the calculator has been restored, meaning Jim set this up before he left

Michael · Jim:Michael greets Jim at the convention: 'There's the traitor. Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here!' then stumbles over 'the prodical... progidal... my son returns.'

Jim:Jim's reaction shot confessional after seeing Dwight: 'When I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight to Jim about his commission question: 'Oh, Dwight, I missed you so much.' Jim: 'You're so immature.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim and Dwight arrive in their hotel room with multiple liquor bottles and a dart board. Dwight: 'Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget?'

Jim · Michael:Jim starts to tell an inside joke about a Stamford bartender, then says 'You know what? You just have to be there.' Michael: 'Wish I was. I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.'

Jim · Pam:Jim on the phone confirms Ryan is at his old desk. 'Oh. Tell him I say hi.' Jim: 'I will call him later with that message.'

Michael · Josh · Jim:Michael challenges Josh to a game of trashcan basketball — 'A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton.' Josh declines; Jim is peer-pressured in

Jim · Jan:Jan arrives late to lunch ('Sorry, my meeting ran late') with a new client lead from Hammermill — supposedly exclusive with Staples. Jim: 'Used to be.' They've landed the account.

Jim · Dwight:Jim uses Dwight's room key to enter Dwight's room. Confessional: 'What can I say? Old habits die hard.' Then inside Dwight's room, discovers: 'Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker.'

Jim:Jim: 'Oh, my God, I gotta call... I gotta call somebody. I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!'

Jim · Michael:Jim's confession to Michael: 'I transferred because of Pam.' Michael: 'Oh, my God. You don't even know. She's single now.'

Jim:Jim: 'I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice.' Long pause.

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim: 'Hey, you know what? I will talk to her.' Jim: 'No, that's okay.' Michael: 'I'll talk to her.' Jim: 'You should at least talk to... Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling.'

Jim · Jan:'Blood, urine, or semen.' Jan: 'Oh God, I hope it's urine.'

Jim:Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And Pam called it Pretendonitis.

Jim · Andy · Josh:I'm just killing Germans any way I can. / We're on the German team. / Shoot the British.

Andy · Jim:Andy's war room Call of Duty briefing: 'It's the new guy.' / 'Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.'

Jim · Andy:Stamford: Jim being schooled on Call of Duty while Andy whispers about him, Jim catches them.

Jim · Andy:Jim shoots Andy's character in the back during the game after being ridiculed. Andy: 'Wow!' / 'Psychopath.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks 'So did you hear the news?' — Dwight replies 'The news that you just announced? That Ed died?'

Josh · Karen · Jim · Stamford Office:The Stamford office scene where someone off-screen shouts 'Suck up!' at Karen for answering Josh's question, then Josh proceeds as if nothing happened

Dwight · Jim:Dwight, having apparently been given a leash/extension cord restriction: 'Look, I gave him a six-foot extension cord, so he can't chase us.'

Jim · Andy · Karen:Jim's deadpan recap to the third party joining: 'We went right for the copier. Mm-hmm. And then we checked the fax machine. Yeah, nothing there.'

Roy · Pam · Jim:Roy interrupts the grief counseling session to tell Pam something is wrong with her car radiator — revealed to Jim as a fabrication to rescue her

Andy · Jim:The chip-quest phone call to 'West Side Market': Andy pretending to be 'Mike from the store,' then asking Jim what his store number is. Jim whispers: 'Six.' Andy: 'Six? — no. I'll call you back.' Then to Jim: 'Shut up. Six?'

Andy · Jim:Andy's French phone call to a Montreal supermarket: 'Bonjour, je cherche de chips de la marque Herr's. Non? Oh, merci comme même. Au revoir.' Jim: 'Sounded good.'

Jim:Jim's chip-quest resolution confessional: 'I called the manufacturer, who referred me to the distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door.'

Andy · Jim:The chair standoff — Andy accuses Jim of taking his chair; Jim explains he 'took back the chair that you took from me' but didn't take Andy's chair

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'When you get up, I'm just gonna take it back anyway, so...' Andy: 'So I guess I can't get up?'

Andy · Jim:Andy approaches Jim to ask him to 'stand up and talk to me over there' — an elaborate attempt to steal the chair

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'That's it? That's what you came up with?' Andy: 'I am acting my heart out here.'

Pam · Jim:Pam's brief, loaded phone call: 'Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi, Jim. He's on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jim.'

Jim · Pam:Jim calls and immediately says 'I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing.' — a transparent excuse

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam talk past each other both trying to speak, creating a cascade of 'Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.' 'No, I...' — and then Pam fills the void with 'Everything's pretty much the same here. Oh, good. A little different.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'What time is it there?' Pam: 'What time is it here?' Jim: 'We're in the same time zone.' Pam: 'Yeah, right.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'I type 90.' Pam: 'Shut up.' Jim: 'Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's typing reveal: Pam guesses 70, Jim says 'Forget it' and then 'Sixty-five' — Pam laughs, Jim: 'Okay, no need to laugh. Respectable? Respectable?'

Jim:Jim watches a horror movie alone, waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up. He has confused '28 Days' with '28 Days Later.'

Jim · Pam:Pam: 'Would I make that up?' Jim: 'Yes.' Pam: 'Fancy new Beesly would make that up. New apartment, new stories...'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'You got totally taken for a ride, Beesly.' Then: 'Most apartments these days have like three kitchens.' Pam: 'Three kitchens?' Jim: 'Yes.' Pam: 'How are you gonna cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?'

Jim · Pam · Ryan:Ryan walks in and interrupts Jim and Pam's call; they scramble to end the conversation with multiple awkward false starts: 'Okay, bye!' 'Oh, yeah, I should probably go, too...' 'Oh, no, I was...' 'I don't know what...' 'Do you have to go?' 'Yeah... No, I should probably go, too.'

Jim · Pam · Ryan:Ryan walks in on Pam's phone call; Pam hastily ends the conversation: 'Hey, Ryan, are you okay? Pam? Yeah. Yeah. Pam? Okay, bye!' followed by mutual confused trying to hang up

Jim · Pam:The goodbye sequence: 'Okay.' / 'I mean...' / 'Yeah.' — neither Jim nor Pam can actually end the call

Jim · Pam:'Bye, Pam.' 'Bye, Jim.' — the final exchange, delivered after the extended false-start sequence

Jim · Unknown:Jim asks vaguely who's going to the Diwali event; another character immediately translates: 'Oh, you mean like, Is Pam going?'

Jim:Jim arrives at work visibly sweaty from biking in, and delivers a talking head about how biking saves gas, keeps him in shape, helps the environment — 'and now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.'

Unknown · Jim:Someone comments on Jim's bike: 'Nice basket.' / Jim: 'Thank you.'

Jim · Karen:Jim asks Karen to help retrieve his stuck vending machine chips with her 'skinny little arms.'

Jim:Jim's talking head about Karen: 'We have such a roller-coaster thing, Karen and I... Roller-coastery friendship. Hot and cold, on again, off again, sexual tension-filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane.'

Jim:Once a quarter, the sales staff of this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.

Jim:Jim in the Stamford office, alone while everyone's at Diwali: 'You guys ready to party!' — greeted by the empty, silent office.

Andy · Jim:Andy and Jim take shots together at the Diwali party: 'One, two, three, shot!' followed by Andy's extended reaction: 'Oh, holy mother of God... Oh, that burns! Golly... That's good...'

Andy · Jim:Andy performs a cappella at the party; Jim shuts him down: 'Andy, no a cappella.' Andy continues anyway, and somehow Jim joins in.

Andy · Jim · Karen:(ANDY AND JIM SINGING together) / Wait. / The less I seek my source / Oh, come on, guys, please. / The closer I am to fine / That's not good. / Tuna! Are you kidding me?

Michael · Jim:After the a cappella, someone passes food that burns: 'Wow. That's so spicy. Here.' / Michael's distinctive exclaim.

Jim · Dwight:Jim to Dwight: 'Hey, can I have a ride, man? I have my bike.' / Dwight: 'No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it, though. It's a roomy twin.'

Jim:Jim explains that he stole Dwight's stationery before leaving Scranton so he could send Dwight faxes from himself from the future.

Jim · Dwight:The fax text: 'Dwight, at 8:00 a.m. today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.'

Jim:Jim is asked if he's okay and responds: 'Yeah, great, amazing. Best physical condition of my life.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head comparing the Scranton staff coming to Stamford to a high school reunion where they all decide to move in with you forever.

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.'

Jim · Jan:Jan calls Jim to offer him the number two position at Scranton — Jim hesitates, citing 'some personal stuff' and being 'not ready to revisit that.' Jan says simply: 'Michael.'

Pam · Jim:Pam reveals to the camera that she's already been attending art school — 'I started a while ago' — after Jim expresses excitement as if it's a new idea.

Stamford employee · Jim:Stamford employee: 'Cornell has an extensive alumni network. We look out for each other. I'll probably go back and teach or something.' Jim: 'Where'd you go to college?' Employee: 'Cornell.' Jim: 'That's good.'

Jim:Jim tells a coworker he might move to Scranton because 'New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here,' and the coworker says 'And you wanna move to Scranton' — then tells Jim he'd move to New York.

Jim · Pam:Jim tells Pam he's glad she's 'still gonna be working here' because 'it'd be a pain to have to find another job.' Pam agrees 'yeah, totally.'

Jim:Jim tells the camera 'I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton, it's not that bad.' Then tells his Stamford coworker they should take a job there too — 'I think you should take it.'

Andy · Jim:Andy interrogating Jim about Michael: 'Likes, dislikes, favorites sports, favorite movies, favorite man's magazine'

Andy · Jim:'Good luck over there, tuna. Cross me, and I will destroy you.' 'Sounds good, Andy.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight claiming he can outrun Jim's running pace on a skateboard, then claiming he outran a black pepper snake last weekend

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim poking his head out to tell the still-running Dwight: 'Hey. Three more laps to go. You've gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby.'

Jim · Martin · Michael:Jim greeting Martin: 'Martin Nash, I presume?' / 'This is a little gift bag for you, free of charge.' / 'Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. Not...'

Jim · Pam:Jim pretending to be new: 'Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.' Pam: 'Oh my god! It's really you!' Jim: 'I was just doing a little joke there about how we had never met...' Pam: 'I know, I don't care!'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Jim: 'Fact. I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.' Jim: 'Okay. Sounds good.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight screaming 'Meet my eye line, Jim! I AM!' after Jim keeps looking at his forehead

Jim · Karen:Karen sits at Jim's old desk; Jim realizes he has to move his things; Karen says 'You can call it whatever you want' about her taking the desk

Jim · Karen:Jim returns to his old desk. Karen is sitting there. Long uncomfortable pause, then: 'Oh. Um... Then I must be really really wanna pack.'

Toby · Jim:Toby greeting Jim with an awkward hug/handshake hybrid that neither of them acknowledges

Kelly · Jim:Kelly reunion with Jim: 'Oh my god! I have so much to tell you! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby... Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby... What's new with you?' 'I just told you.'

Jim:Jim confessional cutting against 'Lazy Scranton' playing: 'It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day. The Scranton Witch Project. I'm so scared! When people don't label their personal food.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam: Jim mentions he's 'evolving' away from grape soda to bottled water; Pam: 'Oh, you've changed so much.'

Hannah · Jim:Hannah tells Jim 'Take a picture. It'll last longer' about him staring; then: 'I'm sorry... it's just a little distracting.' Hannah: 'Ditto that, my brother.'

Jim · new employee:New employee: 'When do people work?' / Jim: 'Oh, we find little times during the day.'

Jim:Jim on the phone: 'I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's awkward final conversation — Pam tells Jim she's 'started seeing someone'; Jim says 'Oh, that's totally cool. You can do whatever you want.' Both claim everything is fine through obvious discomfort.

Jim · Dwight:'1985 called and wants its car back.' / 'Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87.'

Dwight · Jim:'Idiot!' 'You're the idiot!' 'Nice comeback!' 'I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked.' / Dwight talking head: 'I totally got the best of that interchange.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Yes, I've started to see Karen. It's very new, and I'm not really ready to talk about it openly yet... just because I think once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us. Or... I don't know. Just not yet.'

Andy · Jim:Andy approaches Jim and opens with: 'Jim Halpert. I am so horny.'

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'Okay, I can't help you with that.' Andy: 'Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna.'

Jim · Andy:Jim on Kelly: 'She is dating Ryan, I think.' Andy: 'Oh, and I care why?' Jim: 'She's high maintenance.' Andy: 'Next.'

Jim · Andy:Jim suggests the camera operator's girlfriend: audience sees Jim gesture toward the camera; Andy says 'Blondes are more fun. Come on, trust me on that.' Jim: 'That would be fun for no one.'

Jim · Andy:Andy asks about Pam; Jim's camera look, then: 'Absolutely you should.' Jim is clearly sending Andy into disaster.

Jim · Dwight · Andy:Jim tells Andy Martin was in prison; Andy's reaction shot — a beat of silence followed by 'No, Dwight. Be cool, be cool.'

Jim · Andy:Jim's advice to Andy on Pam: 'She loves pranks.' / 'Frisbee-based competitions. Are you kidding? I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell where I went to college. I live to frolf.'

Jim:Jim's reaction beat — implied camera look — as Dwight delivers the 'halfsie' confessional

Jim:Jim's advice list continues: 'She loves hunting... she also loves those ads for Six Flags with the old guy.'

Jim · Karen:Jim tells Karen he's messing with Andy, sending him to women in the office 'with just terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.' Karen: 'I love it. I want in.'

Jim:Jim: 'I feel like I already sicced him on Pam... let's give her a break.'

Jim:And circle gets the square.

Jim:It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is bold the right word?

Pam · Jim:Pam reveals she's been sending Dwight letters from the CIA

Jim · Pam:Jim declines to continue the prank because of his promotion — 'I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore.'

Jim:Jim's talking head about his promotion giving him a chance to start over

Michael · Jim:Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley! / What does that mean?

Karen · Jim:The Stamford people's reaction to the Party Planning Committee dynamics — 'It would never work here.'

Karen · Jim:Does anyone ever stand up to Angela? / I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight claims to be number three in the office; Jim claims to be number three; Dwight says Jim is number four

Jim:Jim forms the 'committee to determine the validity of the two committees' with himself as the sole member, then immediately rules in favor of the rival committee

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Permission to join the validity committee.' Jim: 'Permission denied.' Dwight: 'Damn it!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim to Dwight: 'Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.' / 'Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in WWII. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight steals a chair from a couple on a date at Benihana

Dwight · Jim:Dwight challenges the Benihana chef on knife choice — 'I still think nakiri's better.' / 'I think he'd know.'

Jim:Oh, no, this is different. The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight. This is more like a, um... / Okay, it's pretty much the same thing.

Jim:I'm sure they'll want to meet her too.

Michael · Andy · Jim:Michael can't identify which waitress is his girlfriend — 'It's one of those two.' / 'You don't know?' / 'Dude, you should know.'

Jim · Dwight · Karen:Jim narrates a series of increasingly absurd fake events into Dwight's tape recorder — Dwight taking off his pants, having a knife, being completely nude, wearing a baby bonnet, Jim Carrey walking in, a Muppet Babies tattoo, and finally chopping off Phyllis's head with a chainsaw

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's break room scene — Jim admits he's in a 'stupid fight with Karen'; Pam's visible reaction beat before offering to talk

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam discuss Karen's apartment situation while intercut — Jim says 'Same street, I think that might be a little close'; Pam is visibly processing the irony given her own history with Jim

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight's damage control report: disconnected the T1 line, ordered printouts taken down, 'destroyed all printouts from the bathroom' — 'There are copies in the bathroom?' — 'There were a lot of them.'

Michael · Jim:Michael introduces Harvey the computer, which immediately says 'Jim sucks.'

Michael · Pam · Jim:Harvey says 'Me so horny. Me love you long tim.' to Pam.

Michael · Jim:After Jim explains 'long time,' Michael says 'Oh, well, you should bring Long Tim in one day. I'd love to meet Long Tim.'

Michael · Jim:Jim tells Michael 'You ruined a funny joke' and Michael responds 'You get out of my off-five.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight arrives late; Jim immediately says 'Hey, Dwight, pass the tardy sauce.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim says he wants to trade Dwight as a partner. Dwight immediately offers to trade too. Jim says 'Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time.'

Jim:Jim's talking head staring at a photo of himself with Dwight: 'Oh, young Jim. There's just so much I need to warn you about.' Pause. 'And yet, tragically, I cannot.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim refuses to sit in the front seat of Dwight's car, insisting on sitting in the back. 'It's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Every success I've ever had, in my job, or with the lady folk, has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight insists Jim leave the car keys. Jim: 'You still do that thing?' Dwight, still insisting: 'Leave the keys.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'My plan is taking longer than I thought. But I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons, so...'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight insists Jim walk ahead of him. Jim: 'That still leaves a 30% chance I'll attack you from the front.' Dwight: 'Yeah, but it'll be easier to stop.'

Michael · Jim · Client:After Jim rescues the pitch, the client says 'I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.' Michael immediately interrupts: 'No. Stop it. Stop. Ow.'

Michael · Jim:After the pitch, Michael asks 'Do we even want that guy buying our paper?' Jim: 'Yes.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim's pitch: holds up his phone to demonstrate a competitor on hold. Kelly picks up immediately: 'Oh my God, Jim, how are you?' Jim closes with his card: 'I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim calls Dunder Mifflin customer service to demonstrate responsiveness; Kelly answers immediately: 'Oh my God, Jim, how are you?'

Karen · Jim:Karen's talking head: Jim admits he had a crush on Pam before leaving for Stamford. Karen: 'Did I ever have a thing for her? No. Why, did she say something?'

Jim:Jim's confessional admitting he had a crush on Pam before leaving — 'I had... a crush on her... before I left. And I told her about it, and she didn't feel the same way.'

Andy · Jim:Andy: 'I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you. I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you are younger and have less experience.'

Jim:Jim's reaction beat: silent stare at the camera after 'Andy and the Tuna'

Jim:Jim confessional: 'I miss Dwight.'

Jim:Jim confessional: 'Congratulations, universe. You win.'

Andy · Jim:Andy invites Jim to hang out; Jim gives a non-committal 'maybe'; Andy: 'I'll take that as a maybe.'

Andy · Jim:Andy follows Jim to the bathroom by announcing he's going to the kitchen and offering to 'walk with' him

Jim · Pam:Jim to Pam: 'I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me.'

Jim:Jim explains he can't prank Andy because Dwight's inherited files are password-protected with different mythical creatures

Jim:Jim describes Andy: 'Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv something.'

Jim · Ryan:Ryan: 'Do you want to pull a prank on Andy?' Ryan: 'Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim: 'I liked you better as the temp.' Ryan: 'Me too.'

Andy · Jim · Pam:Andy realizes his cell phone is missing and searches desperately while Jim and Pam play innocent

Andy · Jim:The phone is heard ringing from inside the ceiling; Andy: 'Maybe it's in the ceiling.' Jim: 'You know what? Maybe YOU'RE in the ceiling.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight crashes through ceiling tiles pursuing his phone — 'That's half-inch drywall. I think we broke his brain.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight: 'Do you still have feelings for her?' — long pause — Dwight: 'Yes.'

Jim:Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and every night for the last five nights.

Jim · Pam:The Jim-Pam sleep advice scene — Pam gives Jim banal advice about getting more sleep while both are clearly uncomfortable discussing his relationship problems

Jim:Good advice, Beesly. Thanks.

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner! / Who wants some man meat? / I do! I want some man meat! / Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Jim · Ben Franklin (actor):So I guess, you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, 'How can I put this to practical use?' / Well, I'd like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator, and he really pressured him into it.

Jim · Ben Franklin (actor):Care for a piece of chocolate? / Chocolate? Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon, but it has not yet been imported to the United States.

Jim · Ben Franklin (actor):Who is the king of Austria? / Joseph II. / Who is the king of Prussia? / Friedrich Wilhelm III. / Who is the king of England? / Why, the tyrant, King George, of course!

Jim · Kelly:Kelly, don't do this. / Do what? I just asked you a question.

Jim · Dwight:Jim offers Dwight an Altoid; Dwight's reflexive response 'What do you think?' implies he always refuses, setting up the conditioning experiment

Jim · Dwight:Montage of Dwight accepting Altoids without hesitation across multiple sessions — 'Okay.' / 'Sure.' / 'Yes.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight catches himself craving a mint unprompted, confused: 'I don't know, I... Oh, my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.'

Dwight · Jim:The 'P and R' flowers — Dwight and Jim note they stand for 'Phyllis and Robert' but also 'Pam and Roy'

Jim · Bob:Jim repeats Michael's exact threat to Bob: 'If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.' Bob: 'Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis!'

Jim · Pam:Jim to Pam about the wedding: 'I know I don't normally notice these kind of things, but, uh... this wedding's really nice. I mean, the flowers and stuff.'

Jim · Pam:Jim to Pam: 'When are we gonna get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?' Pam: 'I'm such a dorky dancer.' Jim: 'I know! And it's very cute.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then...' followed by another confessional: 'No, it's totally hypothetical.'

Jim · Karen:Jim and Karen's moment: Jim reveals he paid Scrantonicity $20 to play 'their song' — which turns out to be a song they associate together.

Jim · Pam:Jim asks Pam to dance at the wedding by simply saying: 'You wanna dance?' — followed by a long beat and then them dancing

Jim · Pam:Jim to Pam after the dance: 'Hey, you want to get out of here?' — with Karen watching from nearby

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Here's a non-hypothetical. I'm really happy I'm with Karen.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And Brangelina is with Frangelina. Moving on.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim asks what Dwight is doing; Dwight replies 'Solving a mystery, if that's quite all right with you'

Jim · Dwight:Jim is told he is 'number two in this office' and needs to show leadership on the bat situation; Jim reacts with 'I'm sorry, what did you say? / So weird.'

Meredith · Jim:Meredith claims she felt the bat bite her but there's no mark — then describes feeling 'tingly' and 'strangely powerful'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tests whether Jim is a vampire by giving him 'white-hot' garlic bread — Jim says it burned him; the bread is cold

Jim · Angela:Jim complains about a headache from 'the glare' — revealed to be the glare from Angela's crucifix

Dwight · Jim:Dwight proposes forming an 'allegiance' to use 'sudden violence'; when asked about making a stake from a mop handle, he responds 'What size?'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight: 'Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.' Then: 'Cool, okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down. Draw the shades. There's just so much sun in here.'

Jim · Pam:Jim tries to leave: 'It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.' Then about Pam's art: 'Your art was the prettiest art of all the art.'

Jim · Karen:Karen clarifies: 'It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited.' Jim: 'I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't'

Jim:So we shouldn't help you no matter how much you might beg and plead?

Michael · Jim:Jimbo, last chance, carpool... I Spy... Play some games?

Jim:I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time. Or in my work time. And did I use the word 'pointless'?

Jim:I really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going?

Michael · Jim:But you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great? We're good.

Karen · Jim:Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kind of saw him for a little bit when they were separated. Oh, didn't notice. Really? I thought it was so obvious.

Unknown CFO-party guest · Jim:Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you. I was... Hey, don't you have a daughter?

Karen · Jim:Don't mention that you and I are dating 'cause I think he might still have feelings for me. Wallace? What the hell? Have you dated, like, every guy here?

Karen · Jim:You got me. So none of them? Of course not. I mean you're, kind of, like, my first. Oh, my God, it's so easy... it's not even fun.

Karen · Jim:Karen calls Jim 'agoraphobic' for preferring to watch a Phillies game on the couch over going out

Roy · Jim · Dwight · Pam:Roy charges at Jim in the office and Dwight pepper sprays him — the sound and chaos inferred from 'Roy! Ahh! Roy, don't! God!'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I really don't want to talk about it... I just don't want to comment on what happened.'

Jim:Jim's second talking head: 'I guess... all things considered... I was lucky Dwight was there.'

Jim:Jim: 'And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, and not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tries to thank Dwight; Dwight: 'Thank you not necessary, and thus not accepted.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim presents a gift; Dwight: 'Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.'

Jim · Pam:Jim to Pam: 'Sorry I almost got you killed.' Pam: 'Yeah. That was nuts.'

Jim:Jim tells Pam 'I'm sure you guys'll find your way back to one another someday' about her and Roy — deeply passive-aggressive given his feelings

Dwight · Jim:Dwight compares accepting Jim's lunch offer to Han Solo receiving payment for saving the rebel cause

Jim · Dwight:Jim gives Dwight a fake 'Certificate of Bravery from the Scranton Police Department' — complete with a teddy bear in a policeman's cap

Dwight · Jim:Dwight, holding the children's bravery certificate: 'Please, they hand these out to little kids. Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.' Jim: 'Mm...didn't think you'd notice.'

Jim:Jim's talking head about the fake certificate: 'I... will never say a word. And now... we are even.'

Jim · Andy:Jim refuses to call Andy 'Drew': 'No, I'm not gonna call you that.' Andy: 'Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.'

Jim · Andy · Dwight:Jim passes along false messages: 'Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.' / 'Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Andy... Nah, that's too far. / Dwight: Damn you.'

Jim · Pam · Kevin · Angela · Ryan · Oscar:The office workers betting on how many jellybeans (or similar objects) are in a jar; escalating guesses with Kevin being eliminated: 'Ten. Kev's out. Damn it!'

Oscar · Pam · Jim:Jim wins jellybean count; Pam's neighbor complains: 'He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. Okay. No, constantly... like, for years.'

Ryan · Pam · Jim:Ryan's talking-head: timed Kelly's Netflix explanation at 2 minutes 42 seconds; Pam wins ten because Kelly said 'awesome' 12 times; Jim wins five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Jim:Jim: 'If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.'

Crowd · Jim:The crowd watching Michael: 'Oh, my God!' 'He's gonna jump.' 'Oh.' 'He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.' 'Yeah.'

Jim:Jim's camera is blurry, then adjusts — the cold open reveals Jim dressed as Dwight, complete with glasses and mustard-yellow shirt, doing the Dwight bit before the reveal

Jim:Jim (as Dwight): 'Question. What kind of bear is best?' / 'Dwight' (Jim): 'It's a ridiculous question.' / 'False. Black bear.'

Jim:'Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.'

Michael · Jim · Other:Michael yells 'Cry-Man Squaw, F and C, double time!' — then has to spend 30 seconds explaining what it means

Jim · Employee · Jim:I think you could make the argument that it wastes time. / Yeah, she has a good point. / For example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.

Michael · Jim:Jim: 'That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!'

Jim:Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'Beer me.' Andy: 'What's that?' Jim: 'Hand me that water. I always say beer me. Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.'

Andy · Jim:So how's what's-her-name? / You know her name. / Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends.

Jim · Andy:Jim's girlfriend's mix tape plays — we don't hear what it is but Andy says 'I was thinking more like a CD or... a CD?' suggesting it was something profoundly awkward

Jim:'Lord, beer me strength.' — Jim quietly to himself before entering the school with Andy

Andy · Jim:Andy tries to figure out which student is his girlfriend — 'Oh, is she that teacher in the white?' Jim: 'No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.'

Jim:Jim: 'Well... that's not gonna hold up in court.' — after Andy says he had no idea his girlfriend was in high school

Andy · Jim:Andy staring after the boy at Jamie's locker: 'Who was that guy?' Jim: 'Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Andy is having a real rough day today.' — Jim directly to camera, completely deadpan

Jim:'I wanna take out an ad in your yearbook. A full page, two words.' — Jim to Andy, implying a message to Jamie

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim he looks nice today; Jim says 'I look like an idiot'

Dwight · Jim:The demerit escalation ladder: demerit → citation → violation → verbal warning → written warning → disciplinary review, written up by Michael and placed on the desk of his immediate superior

Jim · Michael:Jim: 'What's a... What's that?' Michael: 'Oh, you don't want to know.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces?' Dwight: 'Answer. No, because this is being given priority one.'

Andy · Jim:Andy in the women's bathroom: 'Hey, Jim. You want to go in the women's bathroom? No? Yeah, but it's every guy's fantasy.' Jim: 'I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Anna Maria's.' Dwight: 'What's the occasion?' Jim: 'Six-month anniversary.' (pause) 'Nothing. I think we all kind of thought you guys were just, like, hooking up.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim prank: calls Dwight claiming to have seen the sex predator — reveals the location is 'the women's bathroom, above the sink' — i.e., a mirror

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'I have information about the sex predator.' Dwight: 'You have information about the sex predator?' Jim: 'I saw him two minutes ago.' Dwight: 'Where?' Jim: 'In the women's bathroom, above the sink.'

Jim:Talking-head confessional: 'About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight names his tribe 'Gryffindor'; Jim immediately suggests 'Slytherin.' Dwight: 'Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.' Jim: 'I know.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael names his team 'Voldemort' and keeps saying the name while Dwight protests; Dwight: 'Idiots!'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am.'

Jim:Jim's reaction during sumo wrestling: 'I have never seen that look in a man's eyes ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day.'

Dwight · Jim:After losing sumo, Dwight claims he didn't really lose: 'The only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work things out with words.' Jim: 'That's not why you lost.'

Dwight · Jim:After claiming non-violence, Dwight immediately starts wrestling Jim again — grunting, charging — while yelling 'I totally could have kicked your butt so bad!'

Karen · Jim:Karen calls David Wallace to interview for the New York job — and Jim overhears, mispronounces 'as well' as 'in well', then jokes 'This job is in a well. I don't want it.'

Jim · Michael:Jim refuses to walk the fire: 'Nope.' Michael: 'Why not? Come on.' Jim: 'Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned.' Michael: 'You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager.'

Jim · Michael:Jim declares to Michael he's also interviewing for the corporate job: 'On Thursday, I'm gonna drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York.' Michael: 'Okay, that is not funny. I am deducting 60 points from Voldemort for false pretenses.'

Jim · Michael:Jim tells Michael directly he's going to interview for the corporate job too; Michael deducts 60 points from 'Voldemort' for 'false pretenses'

Andy · Jim:Andy renames Jim 'Big Haircut,' insisting on using it relentlessly: 'What is it, Big Haircut?' / 'Sorry, I can't hear you, Big Haircut'

Jim:Jim's talking head reaction to Pam telling him her beach confession was intentional: 'Pam is kind of a bitch.'

Michael · Jim · Karen:Michael pitches a 'convoy' to New York, describing mooning each other while driving

Jim · Michael:'Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?' / 'Cruise control.'

Michael · Jim:Michael interrogates Jim about who is hotter, Pam or Karen, and provides his own detailed physical breakdown unprompted

Michael · Jim:Michael tells Jim to 'take the rest of the day to figure out' who is hotter and report back

Jim · Pam · Karen:Jim tells Pam 'I really miss our friendship' — but Pam immediately realizes he's just rehearsing what he said to her at the beach, calling it 'patheticville'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's dramatic goodbye to Kelly: 'Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.' — then immediately Jim's hotel: 'Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's 'Hotel Hell' roleplay: 'Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now, check out time is never.' / 'Does my room have cable?' / 'No. And the sheets are made of fire.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?' / Dwight: 'I'm the owner. The co-owner with Satan!'

Jim:Jim's summary of Dwight's fantasy: 'Just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's salary in the Hotel Hell fantasy: '$80,000 a year'

Karen · Jim:Karen suggests going to the UN for their New York night out

Jim · Karen:Jim: 'How often do you come here?' / Karen: 'Every time my sixth grade class has a field trip.' / Jim: 'I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim.'

Jim · Karen:Jim and Karen's New York night: dinner at the Spotted Pig, 'second acted' Spamalot by sneaking in with smokers, a bar in a former church, and possibly seeing Lorne Michaels

Karen · Jim:Karen in the car: 'We won't have a future in Scranton. There's one too many people there.' / Jim: 'You mean Kevin?' / Karen: 'Exactly.'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan's talking head: 'Wow. That was some serious, hardcore, self-destruction.' / 'Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.' / 'Don't. She's nuts.'

Jim · David Wallace:Jim: 'I just really appreciate the buildings, and the people, and there's just an energy that New York has. Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. So that's a bonus.'

David Wallace · Jim:Wallace: 'We want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So, long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years?' / Very long pause from Jim / 'How are your feet?' / 'Medium rare. Thanks.'

Pam · Jim:Pam's tearful talking head: 'If he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just- we never got the timing right... I'm totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally...' / Jim appears: 'Pam. Sorry. Are you free for dinner tonight?'

Karen · Jim:Karen on the phone, having apparently gotten the corporate job: 'I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us.' — cut to her hanging up and Jim's number in her phone: 'Who was that?' / 'Nobody. You and I are done.'

Jim:Jim's talking head about Karen: '...but the next day her desk was empty.' Followed immediately by Jim saying 'I am single now and looking. So, if you know anybody...'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam casually coordinate weekend plans in front of the whole office while the co-workers debate their relationship status — they talk about the flea market and mountain biking separately, acting like just friends.

Michael · Jim · Office:Michael panicking about rabies contagion: 'Oh, God, rabies? I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that? Is that like an STD?' / 'No. You've got to be bitten by something.' / 'This place is so cursed.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I told you I'm not dating anyone... when I do fall in love, like, when it's for real, the last person I'm going to talk about it to is a camera crew or my co-workers.' / 'Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.'

Michael · Jim:Jan pledges $500 to Michael's run. Jim: 'And isn't that your money?' Michael: 'It is for a good cause.'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Discussion of finding a 'rabies doctor' to hand the check to: 'There is no such thing as a rabies doctor.' / 'What about a rabies nurse?' / 'I don't think so.' / 'You know what, though? I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour for parties and bachelor events.' / 'That's possible. Look into that. It's going to cost a couple hundred bucks and... Actually more with tips.'

Pam · Jim:Pam processing what she saw: 'So I closed the door but the image of his... Baguette? ...dangling participle still burned in my eyes.'

Michael · Jim:Jim demonstrates the correct way to enter a room — knock, wait, receive permission — while Michael's question: 'On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office, just ballpark?'

Jim · Toby:Jim mocks Toby's pre-race stretching via talking head: 'Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a working office? And not a French beach?' — then the camera pans to Toby stretching as Jim narrates 'Look at me. I'm Toby. I'm stretching. I know what I'm doing.' / 'Why is he even here?'

Michael · Jim:Michael refuses water during the race in solidarity with rabies victims: 'No water for me! Not while rabies causes fear of water! Solidarity!' / Jim: 'Michael, that's irrational.' / Michael: 'Rabies victims have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So, the least I can do...'

Dwight · Jim · Toby:Dwight put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race — then: 'Wait, Imodium or Ex-Lax?' / Toby's subsequent talking head: 'I'm making great time. Usually, I'd have to take a bathroom break halfway through a race like this, but not today.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam stop at an estate sale during the 5K race: 'I'm really committed to winning.' / 'Okay, but what if I told you that all the money you spend here goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured?' / 'Yes. That's what I thought.' / 'Let's do some good.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam at the estate sale; Pam shows Jim a lamp: 'You like it?' / 'It's kind of designy and cool.' / 'It was $8.' / 'Oh, and I get to carry it.'

Jim · Pam:Jim realizes the race ended far from where it started: 'Where are we?' / 'I don't know, like five kilometers from the office.' / 'He couldn't have made it a circle?'

Michael · Jim:Michael's mid-race crisis monologue: 'There are people all over the world with all sorts of problems and afflictions and diseases. They're deformed and they're abnormal and they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust... And rabies wins. Wow! You are a downer.'

Jim · Michael:Jim shows Michael the $8 lamp: 'Hey, Michael, look at this lamp. $8.' Michael: 'That's a good deal.'

Jim:Actually, we've been dating for a couple of months.

Michael · Jim:That's what she said. / 'Can you make that straighter?' / 'That job looks hard.' / 'You should put your mouth on that.' — How can you even use that one naturally? — Blowing up balloons, I thought.

Jim · Pam:Dwight and Angela — dating. Have been for six months. / No, they have been dating for, like, two years. Since before your barbecue.

Jim:And that is why we waited so long to tell people.

Jim · Dwight:Why do you have the Big Picture up again? You used that already when you burned your foot. / Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.

Jim · Pam:Is the magic gone? / It's funny you bring that up because, yes, it is. / I knew it! / I now find you repulsive. / That's honest.

Jim · Michael:What about a gift basket full of cash? / Yes. Cash basket. Nice work, Tuna.

Andy · Jim:Jim, how awesome is Ryan now? / Yeah. He's definitely something. / What does that mean? / That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing? / ...He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like.

Michael · Jim · Phyllis:How can they not know how much better we are? / I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable. That is true. Like Angela in accounting. / Yes. She is nuts.

Jim:I guess he can't get any girl he wants.

Michael · Pam · Jim · Office Staff:The entire office is mesmerized watching the bouncing DVD screensaver cube, desperately hoping it hits the corner

Pam · Jim:Pam claims she saw the screensaver hit the corner; Jim's skeptical talking head cuts to Pam's furious rebuttal

Dwight · Jim:Dwight declares he will challenge the website to a sales competition; Jim's response: 'Waste of time... I don't care, but yes. I don't care, and you won't. I won't be watching, and I won't.'

Jim:Jim's talking head explaining Dwight and Angela's conflict: 'Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who were both already prone to unpleasantness.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's pre-competition ritual: Power gel, 'Carb up.' / Jim: 'Really? Power gel?' / Dwight: 'Hey, you wanna win, you gotta fuel like a winner.'

Jim · Pam:Jim proposes the prank on Dwight to Pam: 'What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim pretends to be the Dunder Mifflin website in an IM chat with Dwight, claiming to have 'just become self-aware' and being programmed to destroy him

Dwight · Jim:Dwight (via IM) to the 'website': 'How do I know this isn't Jim?' — the website/Jim responds: 'What is a Jim?'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Michael's talking head: he has two tickets to the New York party and asks Jim and Pam 'What are you doing this evening?' — then cut to them clearly communicating nonverbally about who goes

Jim · Pam:'Not it. I won. / Not it. Nope. / Definitely not. If anything, it was a tie. / Tie goes to the girlfriend.'

Dwight · Jim:Website/Jim's IM to Dwight: 'Here's a suggestion, computer. I assume you read binary. So why don't you 011-11-011-011?' — Website responds: 'Um, while you were typing that, I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything... And mastered the violin. Oh, and sold more paper.'

Dwight · Kelly · Jim:Kelly receives a paper delivery she ordered online; Dwight confronts her: 'Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!' Jim: 'Who's 'it'?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Kelley: 'If this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.' Jim: 'Who's 'it'?'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples.'

Michael · Jim:Michael in the car with Jim: 'I got [the book] for Ryan. I wanted to get him 'Oh, the Places You'll Go' but they were sold out.' Jim: 'It's the same sort of stuff in here.' Michael: 'It's not, but it's a good book.'

Michael · Jim:Michael discovers the New York party is actually online — the 'exclusive nightclub' called 'Chat Room' has a password of literally 'password'

Jim · Michael:Jim: 'Doesn't it piss you off sometimes that little twerp got the promotion over us?' Michael: 'Oh, actually I withdrew from consideration.' Jim: 'Yeah, I withdrew too.'

Jim · Dwight:Website's final IM to Dwight: 'You beat me. You are the superior being.'

Jim · Stanley · Dwight:Jim, Stanley, and Dwight researching the legality of Michael's detention: Jim: 'We think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.' Stanley: 'Could you look up accomplices?' Jim/Dwight: 'We're looking up jail time.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'I've seen this kid — he sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.' Jim: 'Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.'

Jim · Michael · Dwight:Jim: 'We are accomplices.' Dwight: 'Stop talking all at once.' Jim: 'You need to let him go.' Michael: 'Let go of little jerk boy? Before he has learned his lesson?' Jim: 'Yes.' Michael: 'I'm not kidnapping him. I'm keeping him until I get what I want. As a hostage.' Jim: 'You over-think it.' Michael: 'You under-think it.'

Michael · Jim:Michael calls Alfredo's to negotiate: 'Could you tell the manager that I am keeping his delivery kid until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered?' Then adds: 'Also I would like him to throw in two — three pizzas just for our... [Jim: Ransom.] ...trouble.'

Michael · Jim:Michael takes the good pizza to the roof with Jim's help — Michael: 'If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof?' Jim: 'I'm all over it.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam on the roof: Jim recalls his first day — Pam's memory of the moment she knew she liked Jim: 'That mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.' Jim: 'That was the moment that you knew you liked me?' Pam: 'Yep.' Jim: 'Can we make it a different moment?' Pam: 'Nope.'

Jim · Office Staff:Office toast: 'To avoiding a class 2 felony charge.'

Michael · Jim:Michael decides he needs New York-style sushi and declares 'there's only one place to get New York-style sushi' — someone suggests Tokyo; Michael says 'New York.' They go to New York for sushi.

Michael · Jim:Michael and Jim end up at the New York nightclub after all — Michael is recognized: 'Hey, you're the Scranton guy. Guilty.' 'This is the guy that beat the computer.' 'It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'You running a bed and breakfast?' Dwight: 'It is not a B&B. Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.' Jim: 'I wouldn't understand or it's a secret?' Michael: 'You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.'

Pam · Jim:Jim and Pam arrive at Schrute Farms; Pam riffs on hotel name puns: 'The Beets Motel.' 'The Borscht Hotel.' 'The Embassy Beets.' 'Radish Inn.'

Pam · Jim · Dwight:Pam: 'Yes. We will be requiring a bedtime story.' Dwight: 'No.' Jim: 'Not even Harry Potter?' Dwight: 'No, Jim, come on.' Jim: 'But you promised...' Dwight: 'Mose, bags, now.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's talking head: 'I'd say one in six.' Pam: 'What?' Jim: 'I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight.'

Jim:Jim's talking head about his imagined first night away with Pam: 'Maybe a nice hotel or a romantic dinner, wine, but wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagine less manure. I mean some manure, just less.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight reads Harry Potter bedtime story to Jim and Pam: 'And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand... his heart racing.' Dwight: 'What you got tonight?'

Jim:Jim reviewing Die Hard 4: 'In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter in the air... He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator.'

Dwight · Jim · Pam:Dwight enters Jim and Pam's room at night: 'Come in. Did you have another nightmare?' / 'I thought you were Mose. Does Mose have nightmares? Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.'

Jim · Dwight:'Does Mose have nightmares?' / 'Oh, yes. Ever since the storm.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight in innkeeper mode: 'Just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here.' Jim: 'Oh, well, I'll look into that in the morning.' Dwight: 'Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?' after Jim asks about 'money problems.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight about the hotel business; Dwight: 'Stupid.' Jim: 'Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?' Dwight: 'No.' Jim: 'Maybe you should.' Dwight: 'Maybe you should... Whatever.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's Trip Advisor review of Schrute Farms: 'The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times.' 'The dawn goose walk will tug at your heart strings.' 'Table-making never seemed so possible.' 'You will never want to leave your room.' 'The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton? Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam... I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And weird stuff, like food had no taste... And that includes you.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.' Pam's talking head: 'Yeah. I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'You playing that game again?' Dwight: 'Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores.' Jim: 'Oh, it has losers.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim shows the ad exec Dwight's Second Life, which contains a 'Second Second Life' for people who want to be removed even further from reality

Jim · Dwight:Jim's Second Life avatar: 'Philly Jim' — a sports writer with a guitar on his back, and Jim denying he spent much time on it

Pam · Jim:Jim tries to change subject back to animation; Pam insists: 'No, no, no. I want to see more of Philly Jim.' / 'I want Philly Jim.'

Jim:Jim confessional: 'I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one.'

Jim · Pam · Creed:Creed steals Pam's hash browns — Jim reports it matter-of-factly: 'I'm sorry. I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns.'

Jim · Michael:'Hey, seemed like a big hit.' Michael: 'No. People are stupid. People like waving. Waving sells, not art.'

Jim · Oscar · Pam:Jim is excluded from the Finer Things Club because 'some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.'

Jim:Jim's camera look when Michael announces the 'panty raid' plan to go to Utica.

Jim:Jim's reaction to the Finer Things Club setup — he sees it and reacts with 'Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I have no words.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael and Dwight have driven past the Corcroan exit. Dwight announces: 'Surprise!'

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight grabs Jim's phone and throws it out the car window to prevent Jim from warning Karen.

Jim · Michael:Jim reveals his brother's baby photos were on the thrown phone. Michael: 'Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.'

Michael · Dwight · Jim:Michael's plan: warehouse uniforms, silly string, Dwight's gasoline and chunks of rubber to make 'stink bombs — or real bombs.'

Jim:Jim (talking head): 'So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim pivots to the alphabet car game to escape Dwight's sex interrogation. Dwight gets stuck on what 'Alan' sells in Alaska and can't let it go.

Dwight · Jim · Michael:Dwight is revealed to be urinating into an empty can in the car while Michael is driving.

Michael · Jim:Michael offers Jim an afro wig as part of his disguise. Jim refuses and stays in the car.

Jim:Jim (talking head): 'This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.'

Jim:Jim: 'You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.'

Jim:Jim: 'First of all, stop using my name.'

Jim · Karen:Jim runs into Karen in the Utica parking lot while wearing a disguise. 'I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so...'

Jim:Jim: 'Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.' Then, after a beat: 'Copy that.'

Jim · Karen:Karen confronts Jim: 'So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?' Jim: 'Yeah, trying to quit though.'

Jim · Karen:Jim's verbal spiral: 'Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see you.'

Jim · Karen:Jim: 'I'm going to go because of the... traffic.' Karen: 'Traffic, yeah.' Followed by an extended awkward exit.

Jim:Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a get-to-know-you weekend. Michael wasn't invited.

Jim:Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Ryan · Jim:Ryan enthusiastically recounting the trip in a TH; Jim walks in and flatly says 'Hey. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just wrap it up.'

Jim:Talking-head cut: 'Michael wasn't invited.'

Jim · Michael:When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes. / Oh, do you want to go today? / And I am always busy.

Michael · Jim:How often can you actually donate blood? Is there a limit? I don't... / Your body only has a certain amount.

Michael · Jim:I think you go camping by yourself in the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy or two guys, if your plans change. / They're not going to change.

Michael · Jim:Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours. / No. The choice is actually yours.

Pam · Jim:Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday... It's birthday month.

Jim:Michael's toast types — 'Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug.'

Jim:He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday.

Jim:He is a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault. [Cut to: Happy Birthday! — apparent failed surprise party reaction]

Jim · Dwight:Do you think it's a good idea? / No. I think it's a great idea.

Andy · Jim:Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale. / Not your birthday. / Well, I'm just saying, if you want to make people happy, namely me...

Toby · Jim:Toby's birthday was two months ago. There was no party. Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. People sang in the parking lot.

Jim:Toby's great. He's great. But sometimes he can be a little bit much. 'I don't see the harm in that.' Well, it's a cake, Toby, so come on.

Angela · Unknown · Jim:Angela explodes about the party plans: '...these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have Devil's Food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps...' / 'I'm allergic to mushrooms.' / 'That's a bummer.'

Jim:So who has problems with the birthday thing? One, two, three, everybody. Okay, so then we just shouldn't do it.

Jim · Kevin · Unknown:What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie? / I'll take them. / Well, nobody's touching my cobbler.

Phyllis · Jim:Hey, Michael. I mean Jim. / Yeah. Phyllis called me Michael.

Jim · Office Staff:Happy birthday being sung while someone skips around the room; Jim: 'Okay, all right, yikes. Don't do that. You're going to break something.'

Jim · Michael:I tried to put all the birthdays together at once. / Oh. So, terrible idea. / Yeah. / Okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.

Jim · Michael:'Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years, but...' / 'That's what I said.' [Pause] 'That's what she said.'

Michael · Jim:That's what who said? I never know. But I just say it, you know, to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard. / That's what she said. / Hey. Nice.

Kelly · Jim:What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at Ping-Pong? Hi, Kelly. Guess whose boyfriend it is? I don't want to guess. I'll give you a hint, it's not my boyfriend.

Jim · Meredith:Good game, Meredith. Don't patronize me.

Jim · Dwight:Check this out, though. Spin serve. Works, like, 80% of the time, so... / Nice.

Jim · Pam:Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? / No, no, no, he works here, dumb ass!

Jim · Darryl:Yes! Way to go! See that? / Yeah. The floppy-haired girl you date won a point. Nineteen serving four.

Jim · Pam:What do you want to do for dinner? How about Chinese? We should really try to save some money. How about something cheap? That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

Michael · Jim:Michael pretends there is a corporate overtime assignment to trap Jim and Pam into dinner, revealed via Jim's talking head

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least nine times. And every time, we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit. He got me.'

Michael · Jim:Michael asks Jim what he's been up to since he saw him an hour ago

Jim · Michael:Jim's reaction: 'It seems pretty narrow and short' about Michael's bench-bed; Michael insists 'It's actually a lot bigger than it seems'

Michael · Jim:Michael identifies his handmade table as possibly pine, nordic cherry, then 'It's pine. Yeah.' — but then mentions he failed at setting up Jim's TiVo, leaving him without audio for a week

Jim · Pam · Angela · Andy:Beat after 'oaky afterbirth' — guests' silent, horrified reaction

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for at a dinner party.'

Michael · Jan · Jim · Pam:Charades game — 'Joe Camel!' / first name of animal + capital state = 'Joe Montana'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game. And it's called, "Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests." And they're both winning.'

Jim:Jim's fake flooding escape attempt — 'My landlord says my apartment flooded... something with the sprinkler'

Jim · Michael:Jim: 'I don't know, because everything I own is there.' Michael: 'You can buy new stuff, but you can't buy a new party.'

Michael · Jim · Jan:First name is blank, and he goes on a cruise. He goes on a Caribbean cruise. I don't know. Katie Holmes. No, but he's married to her! Oh, Dawson's Creek. No, it has to be a real person, Jim. Come on!

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim: 'I noticed you checking out Jan's candles... candles are the number-one fastest-growing product in the scent-aroma market. $2 billion a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of Serenity by Jan.'

Michael · Jim:Jim, I noticed you checking out Jan's candles. Oh, no, she just put it in front of my face.

Jim:Jim: 'Thought about it. I'm in.' (immediately, without pause)

Dwight · Jim:Dwight about his date: 'I was his babysitter. And now you guys are dating? Purely carnal, that's all you need to know.' / 'Would you write down your e-mail? Because I have so many questions.'

Jim · Pam:Michael asks if he can stay with Jim and Pam; Jim: 'My apartment's on fire.' Pam: 'Flooded.'

Jim:And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these.

Jim:I definitely remember your dinner party.

Employee · Jim:I left my cell phone in my car. / Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.

Jim:If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael, then I'd take her for myself.

Michael · Jim:I thought you were engaged. / Nope. Stacy broke up with me.

Michael · Jim:She's dead? / But she's so young. She was so young, and now, she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.

Jim · Michael · Dwight:Michael, you didn't even know her. / Try not to be so hurtful, Jim. / Jim, how dare you? Please, not at a time like this.

Michael · Jim:Oh, really? What's her name? / Burger King?

Pam · Jim:Yeah. / Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend, 'cause he's kind of a slob, too. / Okay. Sure. Let's do it.

Jim · Pam:Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. / I hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works. / Oh, right. Yeah. / Wait, I'm serious. / It's happening. Okay. / And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly.

Jim:I am not kidding.

Jim:Got it a week after we started dating.

Jim · Pam:Oh! / You know what? That one... / Hey, Pam? / Will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?

Pam · Jim:I hate you. / What? / My shoe is untied. What is your problem? / Oh, my God! You thought I... / No, no, no. How could I have thought that? / How could I have thought that?

Jim:"But, best-case scenario, you thought it was a quarter."

Michael · Jim:Michael demands an ice cream sandwich for his hair; Jim clarifies the peanut butter is for the gum, not a snack, and it's 9am

Jim · Michael:"No, Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are gonna get mad." / "Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about."

Ryan · Jim:Ryan subtly threatening Jim after Jim reveals he told David Wallace about the website concerns at the Christmas party

Jim:Jim's reaction to the Meredith question — 'I'm gonna go to my desk'

Jim:Jim's plan to work late to avoid Saturday — confessional: 'And they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas. The one time a year they hear one.'

Jim · Dwight:The office is locked from the inside — Jim's plan backfires because the security guard wasn't told and Dwight locked everyone in

Jim · Dwight:Jim's talking head about Dwight holding both master keys — 'If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks'

Jim · Toby · Kevin · Oscar:Jim trying to call the security guard without knowing his name — 'Who have I got here?' / 'The African-American guy'

Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Toby · Phyllis:The cascading wrong name guesses for the security guard: Eddie, Evan, Hank, Edgar, Elliot

Jim · Dwight · Phyllis:Hank (the security guard) says he'll be there 'in just under an hour' and the staff reacts with despair

Jim · Phyllis · Others:The staff realizes nobody chipped in for Hank's Christmas tip last year — Jim was supposed to collect it

Hank · Jim:Hank's phone call: 'Stop calling me, so I can put on my damn socks.'

Pam · Jim:Pam imagines Michael had planned 'Scrambled Egg Saturday'; Jim counters: 'More like, Hey everyone, let's get your boss laid Saturday'

Jim · Pam:Jim's hypothetical: 'I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday.'

Oscar · Jim:Oscar suggests the cleaning crew can help them escape; Jim assumes they speak Spanish; Oscar corrects him; they do in fact speak Spanish

Jim:'They happen to speak Spanish. Lucky us.'

Jim:Jim confessional: 'Andy and Angela seem very happy. I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.'

Jim · Pam:Jim fake-proposes to Pam: 'I propose that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world.'

Andy · Jim:Andy suggests changing the voicemail message to have 'more zing and pep'; Jim immediately one-ups with 'even newer voicemail message with even more zing and pep'

Jim · Dwight:Jim talks to Dwight about the Eagles: 'How do you live with a franchise this bad?' / Dwight: 'On a wing and a prayer, mostly.'

Ryan · Jim · Toby:Ryan gives Jim a formal performance warning — but it's transparently retaliatory because Jim talked to Wallace about Ryan's website

Jim · Pam:Pam asks Jim what Ryan wanted; Jim deflects with 'bureaucratic stuff.' Pam: 'Because you're very important?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim confessional: 'What's Dwight up to?' / Cut to Dwight in the parking lot reselling the car / Jim: 'Oh, probably nothing.'

Jim · Pam:As the office clears out, Pam can't find her glasses and Jim offers his hand: 'Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them? And let's get out of here.'

Kevin · Oscar · Jim:'Why are you dressed like that? Like what? Like you're applying for a loan? Maybe he's going to church or court.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Today I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about.'

Jim:Jim's confessional ends with: 'So I'm about to do something very bold at this job, that I've never done before. Try.' — followed by Jim exclaiming as he picks up a golf club

Jim:Jim confessional: 'I'm going to take this petty cash that I got from Oscar and turn it into next month's rent.'

Jim · Phil:Phil: 'I just came out here to get out of the office a little bit, so why don't we just play, okay?' Jim: 'Absolutely. Will do. So I guess I'll just work on my short game.'

Pam · Jim:Pam calls Jim while he's in a bad spot on the course: 'I just drove 20 miles round trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So I could've just had them fax it to me, I guess.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'Oh, I like you.' — responding to Pam's fax realization

Phil · Jim:Phil definitively shuts down Jim: 'Even with free shipping, doesn't work. It's just not in the stars, Jim.'

Andy · Jim · Phil:Jim's final accounting: 'Okay, Jim, you owe me $120. And, Phil, you owe me $230.' Andy has beaten both of them at golf.

Jim · Andy · Phil:Phil: 'Let's open a tab, because you and me are going to be playing more often.' Andy: 'Count me in.' Jim: 'Nope.'

Jim:Jim confessional: 'I also told him that I don't quit, either. And I'd call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after fifteen minutes of me blocking his car.'

Jim:Jim: 'And I shot a 102 today, so I'm feeling pretty good.'

Jim · Andy:Jim and Andy doing a mutual porn music impression: '(BOTH IMITATING PORN MUSIC)'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Cut to Jim's car window with Pam inside; Michael says 'Kiss her. Kiss her good.' — Jim and Pam share a moment, unaware Michael is watching/commenting

Jim · Dwight:Jim pairs Dwight's cell phone to his own headset and begins taking Dwight's calls as 'Dwight Schrute'

Jim · Caller:A caller says 'You sound sexy' and Jim-as-Dwight replies 'Thank you. I've been working out.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight demands Jim's earpiece; Jim refuses: 'I can't do that. Unsanitary.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim forwards Dwight's desk phone to his own; answers: 'This is Dwight.' Then aside: 'And I forwarded his desk phone to mine.' A caller says 'Oh hello, mater. Good news, I've married. Tell fater.' Jim: 'Such a nice woman.'

Jim · Dwight:'Oh hello, mater. Good news, I've married. Tell fater.' / Jim: 'Such a nice woman.'

Pam · Jim:Pam announces she got into the Pratt School of Design, then admits: 'I didn't read it carefully. I just saw congratulations and skimmed the list. I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack. Busy morning.'

Jim · David Wallace:Jim to David Wallace: 'Congratulations.' Wallace: 'Don't interrupt. Congratulations on doing your job.'

Michael · Jim:Michael on making a CD mix for Holly, explaining it works 'on two levels': 'Welcome to Scranton' and 'I love you.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Was that U2?' Jim: 'Yes.' Michael: '...You don't love Holly.'

Jim:Jim tells Michael to court Holly, then gets lost describing his own history with Pam: 'First time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was...in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and I remember that.'

Jim:Jim leaves a message for Ryan: 'I don't know what you got lately, but I really don't care because you're trying to get rid of me... I bet you think I don't care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong.'

Jim:Jim's second voicemail to Ryan: 'Totally disregard that last voice mail because you obviously have your hands tied.'

Pam · Jim:Jim and Pam: 'Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not. Is he?'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam exchange: 'It was easy to get in, but impossible to rise up. That's what she...' 'A lot of places are like that.'

Andy · Jim:Andy to Jim: 'Tuna! I'm engaged!' Jim: 'I know. That's awesome, man. That's great.' Andy: 'Mr. Andrew Bernard. It's got a nice ring to it.'

Andy · Jim:Andy bursts out: 'Did you see Holly's butt?' Jim: 'No, I didn't. You know why? Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.'

Jim · Andy:Jim lists Holly's qualities: broke her left leg twice in one year, allergic to sesame seeds, read Lonesome Dove three times — then: 'And that her butt refuses to quit.'

Andy · Jim:'That's insane. I thought you had to pee.' — reaction to Jim apparently deciding to wait rather than use the bathroom (following Michael's no-bathroom rule)

Jim · Unknown coworker:Pam is leaving in 10 minutes. Someone asks her to fax something. Jim calls it out; the response: 'It's not going to take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim.'

Jim:Jim talking-head: 'Why haven't I proposed yet? ...we just decided that we didn't want to spend the first three months of our engagement apart. Something in her past, I guess. Not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here.'

Jim:Jim talking-head about Ronni, the temp: 'I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years. And eventually declare my love for her.'

Pam · Jim:Jim and Pam's first video call — Jim is still trying to set it up while Pam riffs: 'Ceramics class, then dinner by myself. I'm going to watch HGTV, and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.'

Jan · Jim:Jan stops Jim: 'I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.' Hands him condoms.

Jim:Jim: 'I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snow storm on top of a monsoon.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head from Pam's dorm: 'Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.'

Jim · Ryan · Kevin:Ryan returns with a goatee. Jim: 'And you got a goatee.' Ryan: 'I did.' Jim: 'Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?' Ryan: 'Yes.' Jim: 'Goatee!' / 'Fired guy!'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan's apology to Jim includes: 'I realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history.' Jim: 'You're talking about your court-ordered community service?' Ryan: 'I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.' Jim: 'But he did, right?'

Jim · Pam:Jim is hiding from his ex-girlfriend in a restaurant: 'Just hide me.' / 'Wow, was it the age difference?' / 'Actually, kind of, yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head from the restaurant: 'I made friends.' — as a triumphant conclusion to hiding from his ex-girlfriend

Jim:Jim's talking-head from summer: 'Summer's going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Klump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York, and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight IM each other while sitting near each other in the office. 'What are you writing about me?' 'I'm going to write you both up for not working.' — Jim and Dwight immediately turn it around to threaten to write each other up.

Jim · Pam:Jim proposes to Pam at a gas station in the rain, at the midpoint of their drives, because he can't wait.

Pam · Jim:Pam tells Jim not to say hi to the office on her behalf because she's mad at them for not congratulating her on the engagement

Jim:Jim's talking-head: He's helping Holly set up because his 'strategy is to sort of merge this into a relationship without her even knowing'

Holly · Dwight · Jim:Holly challenges Dwight: 'Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?' — Dwight: 'Never.' — Jim: 'You are a thief of joy.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight timing Jim's yawn with a stopwatch — 'Yawn — four seconds'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Oh wait a minute — so you're gonna time me every time I yawn? That's absurd.' Dwight: 'Really?' — shows stopwatch

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch, everybody. He's ti—' Dwight: 'Personal conversation — 17 seconds.'

Jim · Andy:Jim tests Andy's Battlestar Galactica knowledge — Andy says it's 'really so-so' despite clearly not having seen it

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's reaction: 'Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?' — Dwight takes the bait; Jim feeds him false information

Jim:Jim: 'It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head: Dwight has been monitoring him — 'At 12:45, he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head continues: Dwight documented that Jim peed in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports

Jim:Jim's talking-head kicker: 'And on the flip side, I've been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight announces 19 minutes and 48 seconds of non-work time — Jim demands to know what they were doing; Dwight says 'None of your business'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'So maybe you're not completely ethical after all.' Dwight: (long pause) 'Yes... maybe I'm not.'

Jim · Unknown:Jim: 'Wait a second, how does the steak factor in again?' — someone responds 'I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash.'

Jim · Pam:Jim on the phone with Pam while she tells an extremely convoluted art school story — Jim can barely follow the names and keeps getting corrected

Jim · Pam:Pam: 'No, Stacy is a boy.' Jim: 'This is so frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?'

Jim:After hanging up, Jim says to no one: 'That was a good story.' Then: 'Who's Sarikaya Komzin?'

Jan · Jim · Michael:Jan arrives at the office — she has already had the baby, and Michael had no idea

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's dueling voicemails — each calls the other, gets voicemail, leaves a message. Jim talks to Pam's outgoing message; Pam talks to Jim's.

Jim:Jim's voicemail to Pam: 'I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but guess you must be out or something. I'll leave a message.' — immediately after getting voicemail

Jim:Jim's voicemail message to Pam references 'that crazy guy who pushed you' at the laundromat — then remembers they went shopping the next day to buy a washer-dryer — 'And yet, here you are, back in a Laundromat.'

Jim:Jim's voicemail: 'I'm headed home.' Then catches himself: 'I'm headed to my dorm. Not home.'

Jim · Dwight:- What are you making? - A knife. - You're making a knife with a knife? - You got a better way?

Jim · Dwight:You wanna talk about it? / About what? / You know I know. / You know they know. / I know none of that.

Dwight · Jim:Presents on your birthday, preventative medicine. / - It's nice to learn new things. - I was talking to myself.

Jim · Pam (voice/implied):Why is she marrying Andy? / Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.

Jim:Camera look / reaction beat after Holly and Michael go back for his 'keys.'

Jim:So apparently Pam went out last night and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning. I'm on minute six of this message.

Jim:You can take the girl out of Philly. / Scranton.

Jim:The future mother of my children.

Michael · Jim:You know what? I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm gonna start the bidding cause this is something that I've dreamt of. / Mike, you can't do this. It's conflict of interest. / $5. / Sold to Jim!

Jim · Roy:Jim casually tells Roy: 'She's engaged... to me.' — beat between 'engaged' and 'to me'

Jim:She's engaged... to me.

Jim · Roy:Last night, she was out with her friends till like, 8:00 A.M. / What?

Jim:No. You know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And... we are not that couple.

Jim:Jim in New York — no one dresses up for Halloween at corporate; Jim is in full costume with greasepaint mustache

Jim:'I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my mustache, and I can't even take off my hat because then I'm Hitler.'

Michael · Jim:Michael tells Jim he can let people go a couple minutes early if he wants

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'My brother Pete from Boston and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.'

Tom · Pam · Jim:Tom at lunch: 'So, Pam, how much money does an artist make after they leave art school?'

Tom · Pete · Pam · Jim:Tom and Pete reveal the prank: 'We pranked you. It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind.'

Jim · Pam:Jim reading a text from his brother: 'Pam cool. Welcome to the family.'

Jim:"Which is kind of great for me because, you wouldn't know from looking at her, but... Pam's a gold digger. New York ain't free. Get back to work."

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam reveal they're secretly connected via the world's tiniest Bluetooth earpiece all day — talking to each other during the workday without anyone knowing

Jim · Pam:"Pam, what do you want in your coffee? Sprinkle of cinnamon."

Andy · Jim:Andy barges in to gloat about his good scores, calls Jim 'Tommy Tuna', uses Jim's mug without asking

Andy · Jim:The mug standoff: Andy drinks from Jim's mug (which has Jim's face on it), won't give it back, Jim says 'It has my face on it' / Andy: 'Make the face.'

Jim · Pam · Dwight:Jim describes Dwight's emotional noise to Pam: "That was Dwight. He seems upset about something. Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?" — "It is more of a spicy brown, actually."

Dwight · Jim:Dwight says he's 'being sabotaged' about his bad scores; Jim's response: 'Or you could just be nice to your customers.' Dwight: 'You're an idiot.' Jim: 'There's the charm.'

Jim · Pam · Dwight:Jim says 'Love you' into the Bluetooth; Andy/Dwight stare confused as Jim apparently talks to himself; Dwight: 'What do you think I am saying to you?' Jim: 'Not talking to you.'

Michael · Jim:"Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant." Jim: "I think you mean 'smug'." Michael: "Arrogance. And there's our smudgeness."

Jim:"And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford."

Jim:"Pam doesn't know about the house, so... Fun surprise."

Pam · Jim:Pam via Bluetooth: "Maybe it's cause you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist." Jim: "A little bit. Worth it."

Michael · Jim:"Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you... Manage you two on a more personal scale. A more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?" Jim: "Microgement."

Dwight · Jim · Michael:The 'Buttlicker' cold call role-play: Dwight calls Jim (playing 'Bill Buttlicker') and takes the name seriously

Dwight · Jim:"Really? That's your real name?" / "How dare you? My family built this country, by the way!"

Jim:Jim (as Buttlicker) pretends to take another call, tells the fictional person 'I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman... I'm probably gonna keep him on hold forever and not buy anything.'

Dwight · Jim · Michael:The 'hard of hearing old man' escalation: Dwight is forced to yell 'BUTTLICKER, OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!' at increasing volume

Michael · Jim:Michael takes over the call as 'regional manager,' Buttlicker immediately loves him and pledges $1 million in paper: "I like the sound of your voice." Michael: "See how it's done?"

Michael · Jim · Dwight:Buttlicker's condition: Michael must fire the salesman who treated him badly — 'Don't do it, Michael.' Michael considers it. 'It's a million-dollar sale.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight drags Jim into his car to speak privately about sabotage — 'They might be listening to us.'

Dwight · Jim:"Could be the mob. But then Dunder Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that." Jim: "Is there some evidence?"

Jim · Pam · Dwight:Pam (via Bluetooth) is shopping for shoes online during Dwight's conspiracy rant; Jim: "How many shoes do you need?" — Dwight: "Who are you talking to?" Jim: "Pam." Dwight: "She's not here, Jim!"

Jim · Kelly:Jim tries to make small talk with Kelly — Kelly gives one-word answers and leaves. Jim: 'That was weird.' 'Have you ever had a conversation where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?'

Stanley · Jim:Jim asks Stanley if Kelly might be mad at him. Stanley: 'All right. Livin' in the moment. I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full-on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top.'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan mentions Kelly's America's Got Talent finale party — Jim didn't go. 'Crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there.' 'You were, remember you being there.' Jim: 'I wasn't, but thank you.'

Pam · Jim:Via Bluetooth: 'I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tries to see Dwight's coffee mug (to confirm it's the Kelly party favor). Dwight hides it: 'No! Is that it? No. Why?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tells Dwight: 'I think it was Kelly... she's mad at us for not coming to her party.' Dwight: 'Man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?' Jim: 'Probably just Kelly.' Dwight: 'Obviously. I knew it.'

Jim · Dwight · Michael:Jim and Dwight's mutual 'I knew it the whole time, buddy!' celebration — Dwight is so loud Michael hears from his office

Jim:Jim via Bluetooth: 'That's it, I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.' (about Alex, to Pam via Bluetooth)

Dwight · Jim:Dwight spots Jim's earpiece: 'Is that the Matsuhashi B400? World's tiniest bluetooth.' Jim: 'May I?' Dwight: 'Don't.'

Jim · Colleagues:T-Minus... 6.5 days. / One more week! (repeated countdown from various colleagues)

Jim:And everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.

Jim:Just checkin' out where I'm gonna be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension. For you. I'm with Darryl.

Jim:This looks like where I'll probably do my push-ups every day.

Pam · Jim · Pam:Failing. / Wow. I thought you were good at Flash. / I was, and then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I — I hate computers.

Jim · Dwight · Jim · Dwight:How does everyone know already? / Know what? / Pam failed art school. / Oh, well. / Doesn't surprise me.

Dwight · Jim · Dwight · Jim · Dwight:Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions. / Dwight, stop it. / What?! Are there two suns? / Oh, my god. / Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda Galaxy.

Michael · Pam · Jim · Kevin:The slow dawning reveal that Toby has returned, with the office coaxing Michael to 'meander back there' and 'dare I?' buildup

Jim · Michael:He looks great. Well-rested. / No. He looks worse.

Jim:Jim's talking head about buying the house without telling Pam, justified by shag carpets and 'a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building'

Jim:Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.

Jim · Pam:Jim shows Pam the house: shag carpet, wood paneling, clown painting nailed to the wall

Pam · Jim:What are we doing at your parents' house? / I have a surprise for you. / All right. Ready? Close your eyes. And now... Open your eyes. Ta-Da!

Jim:Yeah, I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it, but he is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft, I guess. A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood.

Jim:This is the master bedroom. But I'm actually not allowed in here, so.

Jim:So I'm still in the process of converting the garage. It's got great light in here. And I was thinking it could be perfect for an art studio.

Jim · Pam:And if you really hate it, I totally understand. / I love it. / You do? / Yeah, I love it. Really? / You bought me a house.

Pam · Jim:Um, do we have to sleep in your parents' bedroom? / No. No. We'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about. / And the clown? / Yeah, I can't — really can't move him.

Jim:Jim explains he switched to the copier side because since dating Pam, he feels weird asking her to make copies for him — 'so I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you.'

Michael · Jim:Michael commends Jim: 'Jim, good for you standing up to Pam like that. The balls on you, man.'

Pam · Jim:Pam tells Jim he is 'on very dangerous ground' regarding the chair/copier vote, while calmly insisting she loves him.

Michael · Oscar · Jim:Michael returns from lunch with 'egg on his face' — both factions have been lobbying him and he plays them both — cutting to: 'Great food. Great friends. Thank you, Michael.'

Jim · Pam:Jim gives Pam tiramisu: 'I got you some tiramisu, so no hard feelings.'

Jim:Jim asks 'What's 394 times 5912?' to mock Michael's fake math display.

Pam · Jim:Pam asks Jim for 'three copies of each of these, stapled and collated' — then says 'I'm totally kidding. I'm going to need four.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight tells Jim 'you are so pathetic' about an elaborately wrapped gift, then Jim reveals it took five minutes because he is 'a black belt in gift wrapping'

Jim · Phyllis:Jim asks if he needs his invite to get into the party — Phyllis says yes — Jim says 'awesome' and pockets it

Jim:Jim plays along: 'Wow, that is delicious. I can't believe no one's thought of it.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight and Jim improvise a permit exchange for controlled human burning: Dwight says he could let Meredith burn 'if it was a controlled burn in a well-ventilated area,' Jim says you'd need a permit, Dwight says he can get one in an hour.

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam (or another character) watch Michael and Meredith through a window: 'They've been in there for 45 minutes. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now.'

Jim:Jim approaches the belly dancer to make a request — 'Please stop' — because it's a Christmas party