Chair Model

Michael:Michael cheerfully frames the satellite parking lot situation as a chance to 'see more of our lovely street,' then asks Jim to describe what they actually saw.

Kevin:I've been here nine years, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away. I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

Angela:I will quit. As God is my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.

Unknown · Meredith:Some of us like the walk more than others. / It hurts like hell.

Jim:And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these.

Michael:Michael describes the chair model catalogue woman in romantic/sensual terms — 'Look at her smile... her eyes... she dresses like a professional, and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch. Or in a great chair.'

Michael:Michael waxes poetic about the catalogue model: 'Look at her smile. It's the eyes. Look at her eyes.' — staring at a furniture catalogue.

Jim:I definitely remember your dinner party.

Michael:What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic, because every day I get a little more desperate, and desperate situations yield the quickest results.

Michael:Ladies and gentlemen, would you please open your supply catalogues and kindly turn to Page 85?

Kevin:When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

Michael:Michael presents the catalogue model as a 'template' for eligible women and formally dismisses the meeting: 'That will be all.'

Employee · Jim:I left my cell phone in my car. / Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.

Jim:If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael, then I'd take her for myself.

Michael · Jim:I thought you were engaged. / Nope. Stacy broke up with me.

Michael · Oscar:Hello, Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl-type friends who trust you implicitly, because they know you'd never touch 'em because of your condition.

Michael:Feisty? So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?

Michael · Oscar:Catcher or infield? / I don't know, Michael.

Michael · Oscar:Is she a dress-wearer or a pants-wearer? / Could we share a rowboat? / Could a rowboat support her? / Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing?

Michael · Oscar:It bothers me that you're not answering the question. / No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat. / Damn it! I knew it! I knew it, Phyllis!

Michael:What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them, and they're just hanging me out to dry.

Michael:I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens, I need to get laid. And before that happens, I need to be in love.

Michael:Dwight is going to hand out index cards, and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. / No, by the end of the hour, or you are fired.

Michael · Kevin:Let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [long pause] Okay, yes, that would be bad. Yes! That would be bad. Okay, so... / Help us out. / Wish I could, but I can't. / Well, can, but won't. / Should, maybe, but, shorn't.

Toby:Toby's invented word: 'Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but, shorn't.'

Toby:There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.

Phyllis:Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend, anyway. He can just deal with it.

Kevin:Kevin writes 'Your mom' on the card when asked who he's putting down. A brief escalation where he and another character squabble over it.

Michael · Kevin:Give that to me! Give that to me. / Okay, Wendy. / Hot and juicy redhead. / Let's give this a try.

Michael · Wendy's Employee:Could I just have a Frosty and a baked potato, please? / You have to come to the restaurant to order food. / Well, I'll send somebody to pick it up, just have it ready. / It's ready now. / Well, put it aside.

Michael · Dwight:Because this batch was awful. / This one says 'chair model'? / I wrote that. / Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God is my witness, she shall bear your fruit.

Michael:Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! First, go to Wendy's, get my food, come back, and then go.

Michael · Jim:She's dead? / But she's so young. She was so young, and now, she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.

Jim · Michael · Dwight:Michael, you didn't even know her. / Try not to be so hurtful, Jim. / Jim, how dare you? Please, not at a time like this.

Michael · Jim:Oh, really? What's her name? / Burger King?

Pam:I'm setting Michael up with my landlady. She's really sweet, and... Whatever, I just can't take Michael like this.

Michael:No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.

Dwight:The Five Families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him 'Cool Guy' Paul. W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A badass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Die. Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Dwight · Andy:Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. / So... / Behold our bachelorette. / Give her a 10 for her looks, and a three for her ability to describe herself.

Michael:Hello, my lady. [Michael approaches the wrong woman]

Michael · Barista/Employee:That's not... Yeah, I'm not... Michael? / Michael? / Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.

Michael · Margaret (Landlady):So you get the rent checks every month, and... / What happens next? What... / You're asking me what I do with the checks that people write to me?

Michael · Margaret (Landlady):You want to see what I walked out on? This is going to blow your mind. Look at that! / She's beautiful. Yeah. / And you can't see her whole body, down here, she has a boob job.

Michael:It was like talking to the sweet, old lady on the bus.

Margaret (Landlady) · Michael:That's incredibly rude. / Now you ruined it.

Andy:Andy introduces himself at the Five Families meeting: 'Andrew Bernard is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.'

Andy:Andrew Bernard is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.

Kevin:I have things.

Andy:Some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort, and...

Business Leaders:My God. / I don't have time for this, guys. Just give them back their spaces. / Okay. We good? Okay. / Could've done this over e-mail.

Andy:After Stacy left, things did not go well for a while. And it was hard to see... / It's just nice to win one.

Michael · Pam:Margaret the landlady? Really, Pam? Is that what you think of me? / She's sweet and cute. I thought you would get along. / Oh, okay. Well, I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. / I'm a man of intensity. Of cool, and youth, and passionately.

Pam:Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.

Pam · Jim:Yeah. / Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend, 'cause he's kind of a slob, too. / Okay. Sure. Let's do it.

Jim:I am not kidding.

Jim:Got it a week after we started dating.

Dwight · Michael:You know what you need? / Closure. / You're right. / What do you mean, though? / There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say goodbye. I think you need to say goodbye.

Andy · Kevin:We did it! I did it. / We got our spaces back. / Nice job. / Nice. Yeah. / There it is. You're welcome.

Andy:Did I do this for me? No. I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-Pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400-a-month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders, 'How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?' That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

Michael · Dwight:How did she die? / I guess you could say she died of blunt-force trauma and blood loss. / She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hangar. / God... / She was so innocent. / She was stoned, apparently.

Michael:You know, I used to think that I had this perfect person out there, waiting for me. But now I know that that's just silly. Because she's dead.

Michael · Dwight:What do you do? / You wait till next year's chair catalogue comes out, and you find someone who's still alive. / You move on. Yeah.

Pam · Jim:I hate you. / What? / My shoe is untied. What is your problem? / Oh, my God! You thought I... / No, no, no. How could I have thought that? / How could I have thought that?

Michael:Michael singing an original parody of 'American Pie' — 'Bye, bye Miss chair model lady / I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice / We had lots of kids / Drinking whiskey and rye / But why'd you have to go off and die?'

Michael:You believe in rock 'n' roll? / Can music save your mortal soul? / And then, can you have to dance real slow? / Well, I know that you're in love with him / 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym / Kicked off their shoes They both turned off their shoes / No more rhythm and blues! No verdict was returned! / Rhythm and blues / This will be the day that I die