Night Out

Michael · Dwight:Michael has gum in his hair because he crawled under Stanley's car to inspect something shiny

Jim:"But, best-case scenario, you thought it was a quarter."

Michael:"Kill me, right now."

Michael · Jim:Michael demands an ice cream sandwich for his hair; Jim clarifies the peanut butter is for the gum, not a snack, and it's 9am

Jim · Michael:"No, Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are gonna get mad." / "Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about."

Dwight · Michael:Dwight tasting the peanut butter from Michael's hair and noting the calorie content

Michael:Michael's talking head about dating: 'men are visual creatures' leading into his inability to name a famous artist

Michael:"Or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude."

Michael:"They just lack a certain Crawfordness."

Ryan · Michael:Ryan's corporate visit framing: he's caused the entire branch to work Saturday, and Michael greets him as 'my favorite branch'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan subtly threatening Jim after Jim reveals he told David Wallace about the website concerns at the Christmas party

Michael:Michael's protective speech: defending Ryan from mockery including his 'height or his half-beard'

Ryan · Stanley:"When will that be? TBD."

Ryan · Phyllis:The Dunder Mifflin website was 'infiltrated by sexual predators' via its social networking feature

Ryan:"And then an older gentleman asks you, 'Boxers or briefs?'"

Kelly:Kelly's defense of Ryan: "I am not applauding sarcastically."

Kelly:"But now, at a time TDB, all of these problems will be in the past."

Kelly:"You done good, kid. You done good."

Michael · Ryan:Michael physically clinging to Ryan while begging for a girlfriend hookup in New York

Michael:"Would you have sex with Meredith? Do you think she'd keep it quiet?"

Jim:Jim's reaction to the Meredith question — 'I'm gonna go to my desk'

Michael:"Jim, it's not the horniness, okay? It's the loneliness."

Michael · Andy:Michael inviting Andy to New York, then immediately disinviting him because he's not single, then citing 'Curse of Three'

Andy · Angela:Andy: "Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately, if you know what I'm saying." Angela is standing right there.

Michael:Michael's exit speech: 'I am going to go get laid. Goodbye! With sex!'

Jim:Jim's plan to work late to avoid Saturday — confessional: 'And they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas. The one time a year they hear one.'

Michael · Dwight:The club is called 'Prerogative' — Michael calls it out excitedly as if it's significant

Dwight:Dwight calling the packed club a 'fire hazard'

Michael · Dwight:"These women look like white slaves." / "No, they're just hot. Hotties."

Michael:Michael's digression about going to Cabo not to see poverty but for 'glamour'

Ryan:Ryan's reaction when he sees Michael and Dwight: dramatically enthusiastic, then cut to him telling his NYC friends 'Thanks a lot, guys. Good job!'

Jim · Dwight:The office is locked from the inside — Jim's plan backfires because the security guard wasn't told and Dwight locked everyone in

Phyllis:Phyllis: "If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead."

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: "You resemble the Tolkien character." (about Troy the hobbit-sized friend) / Ryan: "He basically is, man. He's a regular banking wizard." / Dwight: "No, no, not a wizard. A hobbit."

Michael:Michael asks for chicken fingers and a Midori Sour at the bottle service; told no food served; orders cups of olives and maraschino cherries

Dwight:Dwight asks Troy: "Do you live in a regular-sized house?"

Jim · Toby · Kevin · Oscar:Jim trying to call the security guard without knowing his name — 'Who have I got here?' / 'The African-American guy'

Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Toby · Phyllis:The cascading wrong name guesses for the security guard: Eddie, Evan, Hank, Edgar, Elliot

Dwight:Dwight tells Ryan's friends about weevil season on the beet farm: 'They lay their eggs inside the unripe beetroot, then, come springtime, the babies eat their way out.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight notices Troy has been to the bathroom several times and diagnoses a possible bladder infection, then offers to order cranberry juice

Jim · Dwight · Phyllis:Hank (the security guard) says he'll be there 'in just under an hour' and the staff reacts with despair

Jim · Phyllis · Others:The staff realizes nobody chipped in for Hank's Christmas tip last year — Jim was supposed to collect it

Kevin:"Now he's never gonna come." — after revealing Jim didn't collect Hank's Christmas tip

Andy · Phyllis:Andy shows the office his new back tattoo — Phyllis immediately says she considered a back tattoo too

Andy:Andy's tattoo is 'Back to the Future' — 'Back' because it's on his back; 'Future' because he's the kind of guy who likes to look ahead

Andy:Andy's tattoo artist has never heard of Back to the Future — Andy tells her to take a film education course

Michael:Michael says the club is 'like a sexy preschool' and wants a place to meet 'older women'

Michael · Dwight:Michael approaches the Jersey State varsity basketball team — a group of very tall women — and calls them 'Amazons'

Dwight:The basketball players send Dwight a drink; Dwight immediately suspects poisoning and sends it back

Dwight:Dwight tells the woman he meets at the club that he 'washes dogs' — then clarifies 'That's one aspect of small pet grooming'

Michael · Woman:Michael tells a woman he 'works in finance' (Ryan's pickup advice), while the woman tells him she washes dogs

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'This needs to be shared.' — then a long pause before the next scene

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight to Ryan: 'This needs to be shared.' — then Ryan sees Dwight has been narrating the weevil situation to Michael via text/radio

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'She washes dogs' / 'I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom.'

Troy · Ryan:Troy's monologue about nuclear holocaust and jungle tribes ruling the world — Ryan's 'Yeah, maybe' response

Hank · Jim:Hank's phone call: 'Stop calling me, so I can put on my damn socks.'

Michael:Michael on his cell phone at the club talking to his mom about asking girls to dance and whether he shaved the back of his neck

Pam · Jim:Pam imagines Michael had planned 'Scrambled Egg Saturday'; Jim counters: 'More like, Hey everyone, let's get your boss laid Saturday'

Jim · Pam:Jim's hypothetical: 'I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's confessional after getting beaten up by the basketball team: 'Those girls really whaled on you bad.' / 'Why wouldn't they let me dance?'

Dwight Schrute · Michael Scott:Dwight refuses to go back in: 'I don't want to go back in.' / 'I know. Here we go.' — Michael's resigned acceptance

Oscar · Jim:Oscar suggests the cleaning crew can help them escape; Jim assumes they speak Spanish; Oscar corrects him; they do in fact speak Spanish

Jim:'They happen to speak Spanish. Lucky us.'

Michael · Dwight · Ryan:Ryan's apartment: one sofa, one floor; Michael and Dwight fight for the sofa while Ryan watches; Dwight offers to sing a lullaby

Michael · Dwight:Michael/Dwight fight over the sofa: 'I got the sofa.' / 'I got the sofa.' / 'Dwight, I got the sofa, I'm the boss.' / 'Come on! I got floor!'

Dwight:Dwight: 'In case anybody needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't want to get my head stepped on.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight offers to sing Michael a lullaby; Michael refuses; Dwight: 'It's a lullaby.' — as though that settles the matter

Dwight · Ryan · Michael:Dwight offers to sing a sick-bed lullaby to Ryan; Ryan says no; Dwight persists

Ryan:Ryan confessional: 'I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.'

Michael:Michael's drug advice: tell Troy you're his friend, then put a wire on him to flip him into a snitch to catch bigger dealers — 'I've been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.'

Michael:Michael's final confessional: 'Best night ever.' / 'It's not about the horniness. It's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys?'

Michael:Michael: 'Like a famous person once said, Boys on the Side. But I don't disagree. I say, Let's Hear It for the Boys.'

Hank:Final shot: 'Son of a bitch.' — presumably Hank finally arrives to find the office empty

Unknown:Final shot: someone (likely Creed or Kevin) walks into the office the next morning to find everyone still there — or an employee discovers the Saturday situation