Kelly Kapoor

Michael · Kelly:Michael approaches Kelly with an Indian accent: 'Welcome to my convenient store. Would you like some gookie cookie? I have some very delicious gookie cookie, only 99 cents plus taxes. Try my gookie cookie.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael's race card interaction with Kelly — he approaches her convenience store counter character and asks for 'gookie cookie' at '99 cents plus taxes'

Kelly · Michael:Kelly slaps Michael across the face. Michael: 'All right, yes.'

Dwight · Pam · Kelly:Dwight confronts the women about what's written on the bathroom wall. He demands to know who wrote it. When someone mentions 'Dave Barry,' Dwight takes it seriously as a suspect.

Michael · Kelly:'The Spicy Curry award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor!'

Michael · Kelly:Kelly: 'Spicy curry, what does that mean?' Michael: 'Not everything means something, this is a joke.' Kelly: 'Yeah but why did you give it to me?' Michael: 'I don't know, I'd just...' Kelly: 'This is a bowler!' Michael: 'I know, they didn't have any businessmen, so...'

Kelly · Unknown Character:Kelly asks the new Asian character 'You a big William Hung fan?' — he responds 'Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?'

Michael · Kelly:Michael grabs Kelly, tells her to remove her stockings because 'they'll melt right into your flesh,' and instructs her to breathe through her nose while she struggles to get away from him

Michael · Dwight · Kelly:Michael approaches Dwight in the kitchen, then says: 'Good. Wow, that's actually pretty cool, Dwight. Excellent. Now, watch. Let me take you from behind.' Kelly: 'What?' Michael: 'Watch out, Kelly, he might sucker punch you.'

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: "Michael and Jan definitely made out. Maybe more. Also it is Thursday but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So keep that going. Yay!"

Michael · Kelly:Michael to Kelly after she corrects him: 'Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment. So maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions.'

Michael · Pam · Kelly:Michael announces the karaoke song is a duet and invites Pam to sing — then invites Kelly when Pam doesn't immediately respond

Kelly:Kelly's confessional: "I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I got him this shamrock keychain."

Jim · Kelly:Jim moves to Kelly's area; Kelly explains Toby had to move 'because of an allergy.' Jim: 'Allergy to... the desk?' Kelly: 'Weird.'

Kelly:Kelly talking head: 'Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones...'

Jim · Kelly:Jim asks Kelly to relay Michael's question about the chair lever; Kelly: 'That's what I told him. Thanks.' / Jim afterward: 'Oh, my God, he is so cute.'

Kelly · Jim:Kelly begs Jim to be her go-between with Michael: 'Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? ... Oh, please, Jim. Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please, he's so cute. I like him so much... Please, Jim. Please, please, please. Please, Jim. Please, please, please.'

Kelly · Jim:Jim as romantic go-between: Kelly tells him Michael is interested in 'long-term, fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?'

Kelly · Jan:Kelly: 'What about second base? Like if Michael said he got to second base with you?'

Kelly:Kelly's follow-up: 'Like, you went to Chili's, and he got to second base with you.'

Kelly · Jim:Kelly's rapid-fire recap of her night with Ryan, ending with: 'I mean, I just said it to him. Can you believe that?' Jim's face during this monologue.

Kelly:Kelly's talking head about Ryan: 'I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan to Kelly: 'I mean, I know that it's Valentine's Day or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all of any kind whatsoever.'

Ryan · Kelly:Kelly declines Ryan's invitation because she has plans — Jim's poker game — and Ryan's visible non-reaction / the beat of awkward politeness between them.

Jim · Kelly:Jim invites Kelly to his poker game to cheer her up. Kelly: 'Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan?'

Kelly:I drink like a hundred iced macchiatos a day and practically nothing else.

Kelly · Child:You've never been to Jitterz? Ryan, you are so dorky.

Kelly · Child:Give me your number so I can text you. Come on. Do you have an e-mail address?

Kelly:Kelly compares Kevin's potential skin cancer to a 'Grey's Anatomy' plotline about a lifeguard with skin cancer, then leaps to 'I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever.'

Pam · Kelly:Pam's talking-head about Jim's impressions: She tries to demonstrate his Phyllis impression and completely fails, then the confession dissolves into Kelly interrupting with a party story

Kelly:Kelly's story about chugging at a party: 'The guys are saying chug chug chug but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie M pretzels from the food court. So I said, is it okay if I sip it?'

Kelly:Kelly's confessional about her upcoming second date with Ryan — new dress, 'kind of low cut at the top to show some things but not everything. I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise.'

Kelly · Ryan · Michael:Kelly: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Michael: 'Join the club.' Ryan: 'My voicemail's real spotty sometimes.'

Kelly · Toby:Kelly: 'I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking.' Toby: 'To your HR representative.' Kelly: 'To my friend, I thought.'

Kelly:Kelly: 'Kobe Bryant has a foundation and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. Maybe he did it.'

Kelly · Pam:Kelly is ecstatic about Pam's date ('Are you so excited for tonight?') while we can infer flies are in the office — Pam's 'This' response to 'What are you wearing?' showing her plainness

Kelly · Angela · Pam:Kelly advises Pam not to sleep with Allen on the first date. Angela overhears and asks 'Sleep with who?' Kelly says it's her neighbor Allen going on a date. Angela: 'Oh wow. Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do? Wear your wedding dress.'

Kelly · Pam:Kelly advises Pam not to sleep with Allen on the first date — 'it gives him all the power' — but another coworker interrupts asking 'Sleep with who?' Kelly corrects: 'Whom. Whom?'

Kelly:'Well, a word of advice — unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe.'

Kelly:Kelly about Allen the cartoonist: 'And they're like so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time.'

Angela · Kelly:Angela date advice: 'You should order the most expensive thing on the menu. So he knows you're worth it.' Kelly: 'If you do that, you're gonna have to put out.'

Allen · Kelly:Allen talking about his cartoons: 'I don't like ketchup.' Kelly: 'You love ketchup. He loves ketchup.'

Kelly:Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!

Kevin · Kelly · Angela:Kevin: 'I'm sure Dwight will protect him.' Office worker: 'I don't know, Dwight's so weird.' Kevin: 'He's not weird, he's just individualistic.' Other: 'No, he's a freak.' Kevin: 'You're a freak!'

Michael · Kelly:Michael mimics Kelly: 'It's... I have... It's so super fun and it's gonna be great.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael introduces Kelly for his Diwali seminar with fanfare: 'Kelly, you are on!' — and Kelly's entire explanation is that it's 'awesome and there's food and there's gonna be dancing, and I got the raddest outfit.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael asks Kelly 'How many gods do you have?' and she replies 'Like hundreds, I think, maybe more. I don't know.'

Ryan · Kelly · Kelly's sisters:Ryan approaches Kelly's sisters; they speak to him in Hindi, and Kelly screams at them: 'Rupa, Neepa, Tiffany, stop acting like such little losers and just be cool!'

Kelly's Mom · Kelly · Ryan:Kelly's parents try to set up Kelly with a doctor named Vali while Ryan stands there: 'Ryan is a temporary worker. Makes no money. Vali is a whole doctor, so handsome. Makes good money.' / Kelly: 'Do you think I want to date a doctor?'

Kelly:'If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo + Juliet. The Claire Danes one.'

Pam · Kelly:Pam signs Kelly's company directory and writes: 'Kelly. Best wishes. Love, Pam. P.S. What a long, strange trip it's been.'

Kelly:Kelly runs through the office screaming: 'I am so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! It is the best day of my whole life!'

Kelly · Jim:Kelly reunion with Jim: 'Oh my god! I have so much to tell you! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby... Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby... What's new with you?' 'I just told you.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim's pitch: holds up his phone to demonstrate a competitor on hold. Kelly picks up immediately: 'Oh my God, Jim, how are you?' Jim closes with his card: 'I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim calls Dunder Mifflin customer service to demonstrate responsiveness; Kelly answers immediately: 'Oh my God, Jim, how are you?'

Jim · Kelly:Kelly, don't do this. / Do what? I just asked you a question.

Kelly:You know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.

Kelly · Pam:Kelly to Pam: 'This must be so awful for you... Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.' Then Kelly's advice: 'If I was you I would just, like, freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly's story about Ryan being scared of a murderer in his apartment and calling her at night — Ryan's attempt to reframe: 'I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you.'

Kelly · Ryan · Michael · Darryl:Kelly calls a warehouse worker 'Sea Monster'; Ryan says 'Dude, please, tell your girl to shut up'; Michael says 'Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.' Kelly: 'Are you kidding me?' Darryl: 'All right, we out of here.'

Kelly · Ryan:The Netflix queue explanation to Ryan: an extended, patient explanation of how queue reordering works, concluding with 'It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?'

Kelly:'This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.' Kelly starts spelling it and then continues into the next scene

Kelly:Kelly tells the accountants 'I know the reason you became accountants is 'cause you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So give yourselves a round of applause.'

Kelly:Kelly: 'I know. Probably a lot.' — responding to Oscar's point about missed calls

Kelly · Kevin · Angela:Kelly's Bridget Jones impression and the accountants' Australian role-play: 'I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.' / 'I like ice cream, too, mate. Alli-gators and dingo babies.'

Kelly · Oscar:Kelly coaching Oscar via earpiece — Oscar robotically relays Kelly's words verbatim: 'And the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not.'

Kelly:Kelly: 'How are things with Ryan?' Kelly: 'Awesome. Awful, I mean. But sometimes awesome.'

Toby · Kelly:Toby offers his leftover sunscreen to Kelly, who cheerfully accepts; shot plays as pathetically touching

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly: 'I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.' Ryan: 'Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm is turning people off.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael: 'Who's Bob Hope?' Office: 'God!' Kelly: 'He's like Amanda Bynes.' Michael: 'Who's Amanda Bynes?' Kelly: 'She's from What a Girl Wants.' Michael: 'Oh, I love that movie.' … 'The person to replace me has to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael to Kelly: 'Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.' / 'That's Buddhists.' / 'Are you sure?' / 'No.'

Kelly:Kelly: 'God is dead. If there was a God, then Ryan and I would be married by now.'

Kelly:Kelly Kapoor? Can we speak privately about our relationship?

Kelly:Good. A lot. Black guys, mostly.

Ryan · Kelly:I said no because I was committed to our relationship. / Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant. And guess what, buddy? I am keeping it.

Kelly:We have a date. [Kelly talking head, satisfied]

Ryan · Kelly:You lied about being pregnant. Right. So? / You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry? / No. We're never getting back together. / Why not?

Dwight · Kelly · Jim:Kelly receives a paper delivery she ordered online; Dwight confronts her: 'Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!' Jim: 'Who's 'it'?'

Darryl · Kelly:Darryl to Kelly: 'But you need to access your un-crazy side. Otherwise maybe this thing has run its course.'

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: 'Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?'

Kelly · Jim:What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at Ping-Pong? Hi, Kelly. Guess whose boyfriend it is? I don't want to guess. I'll give you a hint, it's not my boyfriend.

Kelly:I don't talk trash. I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, 'Your mama's so fat she could eat the Internet.' But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, 'You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.'

Kelly:Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn't hit a Ping-Pong ball if it was the size of the moon. Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at Ping-Pong?

Kelly:Hey, hey, you, you / I don't like your boyfriend / 'Cause, 'cause, 'cause, 'cause / 'Cause he sucks at Ping-Pong

Pam · Kelly:You know what? I'm sick of this. Let's go. You and me! / What? / Let's go! Pick up a paddle. / Okay. Bring it on. I am. / You think you can handle this? / In my sleep.

Pam · Kelly:Volley for serve. 'P.' 'O.' 'P.' 'O.'... Do you want to go play on the table upstairs? 'P.' 'O.' Yes.

Kelly:Kelly's defense of Ryan: "I am not applauding sarcastically."

Kelly:"But now, at a time TDB, all of these problems will be in the past."

Kelly:"You done good, kid. You done good."

Michael · Kelly:Michael greets Kelly instead of Toby: 'Good morning, Kelly. I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel?'

Kelly:Ryan is being led away by police; Kelly: 'Oh my god. I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit and get my hair done. And then be like, Hi Ryan. And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison.'

Michael · Kelly · Angela:Michael performs 'Goodbye, Toby' to the tune of 'Goodbye Stranger' by Supertramp; coworkers give confessionals during the song

Kelly · Andy:Kelly runs up to Andy: 'Can I be your bridesmaid?' Andy: 'No.'

Kelly:Kelly is shaking and snapping at people on day three of her maple syrup/lemon juice/cayenne pepper cleanse. Talking-head: 'I just bought some bikinis online, size two. So... Gonna look amazing!'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan apologizes to Kelly: 'I think I never really processed 9/11.' Kelly's response: 'Cool. We should get a drink later, catch up.' / 'Pick me up around 8:00?'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly's brutal rejection of Ryan's reconciliation attempt: 'I'm dating Darryl still and we're like crazy in love, so...' / Ryan: 'Cool.' — five-second pause — 'Well, maybe I'll see you around. It's a small office.'

Dwight · Kelly:Dwight confronts Kelly in her 'nook' — a tiny customer service closet — and demands she admit to the conspiracy

Dwight · Kelly:Kelly: 'Dwight, get out of my nook!' Dwight: 'That's what she said! That's what she said!' — then immediately looks for validation

Jim · Kelly:Jim tries to make small talk with Kelly — Kelly gives one-word answers and leaves. Jim: 'That was weird.' 'Have you ever had a conversation where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?'

Kelly · Michael:Michael says he'll give Kelly one last chance. Kelly: 'I love your tie, Michael.'

Kelly · Michael:Kelly: 'I was raped.' Michael: 'You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.'

Kelly · Michael:Kelly: 'I was raped.' Michael: 'You cannot say I was raped and expect all your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.'

Kelly:Kelly confesses: 'I did it because you didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to, and then didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael tells Kelly: 'Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?' Kelly: 'No problem.'

Kelly · Ryan:This can't happen again. / This has to happen again.

Kelly · Ryan · Jim (inferred) · Darryl (inferred):Darryl can't happen again. / Look at me. / Do you want me to do more push-ups? / Yeah. / Okay.

Kelly · Ryan (inferred):Oh, my god. He's gonna kill us. / I'd like to see him try.

Kelly · Kelly · Ryan (inferred) · Unknown:Oh! He says it's cool. / He said, 'it's cool!' / That's all he wrote? / Can I see it?

Unknown · Kelly:Didn't you two date for like a long time? / Mm-Hmm. This is like a fairy tale!

Kelly · Ryan:I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you. / That was your choice. Don't put that on me.

Oscar · Kelly:Oscar to Kelly after the belly dancing: 'Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.'

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: 'I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry.'

Jim · Kelly:Kelly greets Jim with: 'Hey, Kelly.' Kelly: 'Screw you.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim, affronted: 'Uh, excuse me. That is no way to address a superior.' Kelly: 'Oh, yeah? Screw you, too.'

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: 'My birthday was yesterday and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word... I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.'

Kelly · Jim · Dwight:Kelly's birthday confrontation: 'Screw you guys. You're dead to me.' Jim: 'If you say screw you one more time—' Kelly: 'Yeah, screw you, beefer.'

Kelly:Kelly's birthday speech: 'I guess my only wish would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again... In a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bear it.'

Dwight · Kelly:Dwight snaps: 'What kind of cake do you want, imbecile?' Kelly: 'Ice cream.'

Kelly · Pam:'Hi, Kelly. Screw you.' / 'Excuse me.' / 'Screw you, too.'

Dwight · Kelly:Kelly's juvie record read aloud: 'Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center.'

Dwight · Kelly:Dwight interrogates Kelly: 'What did you learn in there? I'll bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv.'

Kelly:Kelly's juvie story: 'My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his boat. He told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. I just thought it'd be really romantic, like Thelma & Louise, but with, like, a boat.'

Kelly:Kelly: '...And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim: 'I thought you said yesterday was your birthday.' / Kelly: pause / Jim: 'Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.'

Kelly · Jim · Dwight:Kelly's birthday cake is revealed: plain, no decorations, no name. 'I hate it.'

Jim · Kelly:How do you hate it? It's a cake. Well, there's no flowers or toys or... I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this?

Jim · Kelly:Jim on the cake theme: 'It's birthday. Frosting.' / Kelly: 'Those aren't themes. There's always a theme.'

Jim · Dwight · Kelly:Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Surprise. / Hey, it's not a surprise. / This doesn't look good.

Kelly · Jim:Why is there a Chiclet on my cake? / That's the best part. That represents a pillow. Or a television.

Jim · Dwight · Kelly:Kelly picks 'nap' and everyone immediately has to vacate the conference room, eating cake at their desks: 'Everyone out! Get out. Let's go, go, go, go, go, come on.'

Kelly · Jim · Dwight · Office Workers:Can she pick a half hour of each? / No. No. / Then pick TV. / Pick a nap. / No, no. TV. / Watching TV at work is really cool. / Pick a nap. Nothing good is on right now. / Bonnie Hunt is on.

Kelly:Kelly: 'I'm too excited to sleep.' (after being given an entire hour to nap)

Michael · Kelly:Michael: 'Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly...' Kelly: 'His heart was in the right place.' Michael: 'But now his heart is in Thailand... Along with the rest of his body, having random sex.'

Kelly · Pam:'Oh, my God, he's like a black George Clooney.' / 'Really? I don't see it. I mean, he's okay. He's not unattractive, he's...'

Kelly:Kelly chasing after Charles: 'I could see our kids facing obstacles, being half black and half Indian, but it's so worth it, you guys. There's just me here.'

Kelly · Pam · Angela · Oscar · Toby:The office staff forms a chaotic line outside Toby's door, each mimicking his 'if you do this, I'll do that' dress code negotiation gestures

Kelly · Meredith:Kelly telling Meredith she looks like J-Lo in the inappropriate outfit

Michael · Kelly:Michael, having spread the eating-disorder rumor about Kelly, says to her face: 'I am so happy you're eating again.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael to Kelly: 'So jealous of your boobs.'

Kelly:Kelly's response: 'Thank you.'

Ryan · Pam · Kelly:Ryan commits: 'Yes. I'm coming to your wedding.' / 'Okay. Ryan Howard, yes.' / 'Probably yes.' / 'Kelly Kapoor, yes.'

Kelly · Jim:Kelly enters the angry crowd: 'What the hell? Why are you being such a jerk?' Jim: 'Hold on, Kelly.' Kelly: 'Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?' Kelly: 'No. How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?'

Ryan · Kelly · Michael:Michael asks Ryan and Kelly to share their room. Ryan: 'Oh, gross.' Kelly: 'Blow my brains out.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly to Ryan: 'Do you think they'll cancel?' Ryan: 'Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim.' Kelly: 'Those two treat the whole office like a 1970s key party.'

Kelly · Jim:'You're so cool.' / 'Which reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.'

Kelly · Dwight:Kelly: 'I thought you were killed by Polluticorn or something.' Dwight/Recyclops: 'Polluticorn wishes.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly reads Andy's Valentine's card aloud: 'You brighten my day with the sound of your voice. You bring so much laughter and love. You are everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me.' Ryan deadpans: 'Jeez Louise.' Kelly: 'I know. Obsessed with me much?'

Kelly · Andy:Kelly confronts Andy: 'Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?'

Kelly · Creed:Talking head cut to Kelly and Creed (presumably) saying Jim is 'getting a little frazzled' and laughing at him

Kelly · Jim:Kelly complains she had to email Jim four times asking him to come to her desk; Jim: 'Honey, if I don't have time to answer an email, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael: 'You could be the Indian Bill Gates. You could be the Indian Ted Turner.' Kelly: 'I could be the Indian Julia Roberts.' Michael: 'That's not— She's— Okay. Yes.'

Dwight · Kelly:Dwight trying to coach Kelly: 'You have a terrible personality and an awful work ethic. Maybe we can cobble something together from the emotional turmoil you felt being an Indian.'

Dwight · Kelly:Dwight berates Kelly about her 'accent': 'You do. Central Pennsylvania. Allentown suburbs, maybe. It's really annoying.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly and Ryan cyberbully a girl from the mall. Ryan: 'Tell her everyone in homeroom thinks she's fat.' Kelly: 'Oh, that is so good.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly on interview prep: 'It's easy. You just turn every question around on them.' Practice: 'Do you think you're treated differently because of your race?' Kelly: 'Would you ask that same question if I was white?' Kelly/Ryan: 'We're so in.'

Kelly:Kelly's interview application 'hobbies': yoga, belly dancing, snake charming, beds of nails.

Kelly · Dwight:Kelly: 'God, I hate you so much!' Dwight: 'Caucasians, am I right?'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly tells Ryan he can buy her old clothes. Ryan assumes she means free hand-me-downs; Kelly clarifies she means clothes she was going to give to Goodwill anyway — not gifting them to him.

Kelly · Dwight:Kelly to Dwight: 'I'll never forget everything that you've done for me.' Dwight: 'Gosh.' Kelly: 'Because I never forget anything.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly: 'Will you make sure to come and visit me?' Ryan: 'I can't make it.' Kelly: 'What do you mean you can't make it? I haven't told you the dates.' Ryan: 'I'm sorry. What are the dates?' Kelly: 'No, you just said you couldn't make it and I didn't even tell you what the dates are.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly gets the Yale sweatshirt and does a celebratory leap/toss — throws it — Ryan catches it — 'And wait for it. Boom. Ah! I gave myself a front wedgie.'

Andy · Kelly · Ryan:Andy interrupts Kelly and Ryan's serious fight about the dates: 'Ah, scrote's still tender. I'm sorry.' Kelly: 'Andy, we're trying to have a private conversation.' Andy: 'I'm sorry.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan and Kelly's final argument: 'I'm not a liar.' 'Yes, you are.' 'No, I'm not.' 'It's — I don't always know the truth until I'm in it.' 'Are you sure?' 'No.'

Kelly:Kelly: 'Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating?' — planting the episode's central conflict with zero tact

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan corrects Kelly's 'some diner' reference: 'Some diner? It was the Starlight Diner. It's in a Life magazine spread about Americana.'

Kelly · Ryan:"Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore. / Okay."

Pam · Ryan · Kelly:Pam and Ryan bicker about anthropology vs. Anthropologie (the store) — Pam says she read 'a book about anthropology', Ryan thought she meant the clothing store

Kelly · Erin:Oh! Did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? / Aw! It's kissing its mommy.

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: 'This summer I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm like really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, 'Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?' And I'd be like, 'blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah,' giving you the exact right answer.'

Kelly · Andy · Jim:Kelly: 'We should start our own mall.' / Andy: 'Yeah!' / Jim: 'Wait, wait, wait. Actually, that's a really good idea, Kelly.' / Kelly: 'What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.'

Dwight · Oscar · Kelly:Dwight's glasses are removed; multiple people say they liked them / thought they were cute; Dwight says 'I can't see.'

Nate · Pam · Andy · Kelly · Dwight:Nate attempts to deal with a hornet's nest using a blowtorch, then a bat — chaos ensues with people fleeing and screaming 'They're stinging him!'

Kelly:When colleagues agree with Oscar that the coupon book is a bad deal, Kelly shuts it down: 'Yeah, shut it, Oscar. Pam. This is an amazing prize.'

Ryan · Kelly:Gossip about Jim and Pam's reaction to Danny's party: 'Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go.' / 'Or you're dead.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan and Kelly discuss not getting invited to parties: 'This sucks for Jim, right? But it also sucks for us, because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties.'

Ryan · Kelly:Party guest list: 'Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl, Creed's a maybe.' / 'Creed's going?'

Kelly · Pam:Kelly changes her costume mid-day. Pam: 'Kelly! You cannot change costumes in the middle of the day!' / 'Pam, she's out.' / Kelly: 'Um, if I'm out, I'm gonna sue this entire company for discrimination!'

Oscar · Kelly:Oscar: 'Guys, you're arguing over a 1 in 16 chance. Over a prize worth... 40 bucks.' / Kelly: 'Um, 15,000 bucks, Oscar.'

Kelly · Ryan · Jim:Hello Kitty laptop sleeve as the annual Sabre Christmas gift — 'Hello Kitty's for girls.' 'Nashua got mp3 players.'

Kelly:I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white. 'Wow...' 'Come on.' 'I said I wonder. I didn't say I think.'

Pam · Kelly:Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets. 'Blankets? What am I, five?'

Kelly:Kelly: 'Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.'

Michael · Holly · Kelly:Holly has a new phone; Michael does an elaborate E.T. bit to communicate with her. 'E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone? Holly misses old phone.' Holly plays along. Kelly: 'Oh, God. Please stop.'

Kelly:Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced.

Kelly · Ryan:Ryan and Kelly announce their divorce before anyone knew they were married

Kelly · Ryan:Ryan was crying a lot. That's not a relevant detail.

Kelly · Ryan:Ryan, I changed my mind. / Okay, fine. You know what? This actually isn't amicable at all, and we actually do need people to take sides.

Kelly · Holly:Kelly: 'He humped Michael.' Holly: 'Well, if that's the case, I guess I've got to be fired, too.'

Todd Packer · Kelly:Packer: 'Three muske-queers.' Kelly: 'Mean, but good.'

Kelly:After winning Cutest Redhead: 'That is bull.' — reaction beat from another female employee (Kelly or Phyllis implied)

Michael · Kelly:Michael gives Kelly a goodbye: 'Kelly? If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift I could give you?' Kelly: 'Yes, please. Please go away and stop using that weird, slow voice.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly: 'Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie.' Ryan: 'I'd die for you too.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan performing as Kelly's fake boss: 'Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company.' Kelly: 'Sure thing, Mr. Howard.' Ryan: 'Whoo.'

Angela · Pam · Kelly:Angela, Pam, and Kelly reveal they are all department heads but Deangelo has never spoken to any of them. Camera cuts to: Pam, Kelly, and Angela's silent dawning realization.

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan's talking head: 'So I am the new customer service supervisor. When Deangelo's around. And I'm also a very dutiful boyfriend when—' Kelly: 'All the time.' Ryan: 'All the time.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan's fake-boss performance with Kelly continues: 'Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company. No one likes a money-grubber.'

Kelly:Kelly breaks: 'I can't do this. I'm sorry, I just can't do it. Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss... He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically, just like the way Rango didn't save those animals.'

Deangelo · Kelly:Deangelo: 'I like Ryan, you seem kind of hysterical to me.' Then: 'Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan quietly tells Kelly: 'Close call. Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2:00 A.M., huh?'

Kelly · Jim · Toby:'So I think all we need is a resume and we'll be good, right?' / 'I just thought you knew me.' — Kelly doesn't have a resume.

Kelly:Kelly erupts with a long, manic speech about what she wants in a manager: 'I just want, for once, a smart, professional, decisive, well-hung man in his 40s.'

Jim · Kelly · Unnamed Employee:Jim's sarcastic resolution: 'The guy with the tiny penis. Are you happy? Let's hire that guy!' — response to Kelly's criteria. Then: 'Would a small penis work?' / 'Small to moderate.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly advocates for Darryl. Ryan says 'Minorities sticking together.' Kelly responds: 'I am so much more than that. I am a dancer. I'm a singer. I'm a fashion designer.'

Kelly:Someone toasts Robert California. Kelly immediately yells 'Yay, Robert!'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan toasts 'someone who isn't here but who will be in just four short months — Welcome to the world, Philip Lipton.'

Robert California · Kelly:Now then, how are we today? / Fine. Great. / Just fine, Kelly? Everything all right? / Mm-hmm. / You feeling fulfilled in your life? / I guess. / You guess? So there is something you want that you do not have. Try not to think about it. Because it's too terrifying to imagine.

Robert California · Kelly:What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours? / Never marrying. / Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary.

Dwight · Jim · Oscar · Kelly:The office learns the failsafe will also forward every negative email they've ever sent Robert about him. Reading of the emails: 'Creep by TLC, Creep by Radiohead.' / 'There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.' (Jim) / 'He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him.' (Oscar)

Andy · Kelly:Kelly's email PS: 'We should kill him.' / Robert's reaction-beat read as Andy delivers it flatly: 'That's not that bad, actually.'

Ryan · Kelly · Other:Asking for a friend. Do you know if that new girl is single? / Doubt it. / Yeah, me too. / You doubt it? / What's that? / Why do you doubt that? / Honestly, I have no idea. / Just figured we'd save her from Ryan.

Kelly · Pam:You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. / You wish you had her life. No offense, Pam. / None taken.

Kelly:Kelly: 'I have these sneakers which are basically just like a gym for your feet, so...'

Kelly · Andy:Kelly: 'Just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica, if you want me to be. Oh, no, no, it's fine, Kelly. It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.'

Kelly · Erin:Kelly wishes Erin 'Happy Pancha Ganapati' — Erin asks 'Ew, what is that?' — Kelly explains it's a five-day Hindu celebration honoring Ganesh, patron of the arts — Erin: 'Cool.'

Kelly · Jessica · Andy:Kelly leans into Jessica and whispers something — then Andy looks over and: 'Jessica, did you just fart?'

Kelly:Kelly: 'And that is how it's done.'

Kelly:Kelly after the fart accusation, in confessional: 'And that is how it's done.'

Andy · Oscar · Kevin · Meredith · Kelly · Erin:The team self-sorting into A-team, Backup, and 'Good-timers' — with clear visual implication that Kevin and other weak players self-select into the good-timers group

Kelly:Kelly's triumphant explanation: 'Lamar winning sixth man was a big storyline on Khloé and Lamar.'

Kelly:'Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC, and Oxygen.' — Kelly assigning TV network identities to team members

Kevin · Meredith · Erin · Kelly:Final montage: The B-team rattling off answers — 'Riboflavin.' / 'Michigan.' / 'POTUS.' / 'John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath.' — with total confidence

Kelly · Andy:Kelly finds the ring in the pool: 'I just found this insane engagement ring! Is anyone missing this? The main stone's missing.' Kelly: 'It looks pretty great to me.'

Kelly · Oscar:Kelly and Oscar debate the ring's bad energy. Kelly: 'Ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?' Oscar: 'I don't think you're being silly.' Kelly: 'Oh, God.'

Kelly · Oscar:Kelly: 'You know what? I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.' Oscar: 'Oh.' Kelly: 'Then another woman will get it, we can't allow that. We have to destroy it.'

Kelly:Kelly throws Andy's ring into the pool, proclaiming: 'You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. We're in the pool. Shove it, Angela.'

Kelly · Cece:Did you color this pretty picture? / No. / So then this means nothing to you?

Kelly · Darryl · Others:Text analysis: 'The moon is huge tonight.' 'Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning.' 'Yeah, sorry.' 'That's regular text talk.'

Kelly · Darryl:'You're such a great friend,' dot dot dot dot dot. 'Five dots, Darryl? Are you kidding me? Three dots means to be continued, four dots is a typo, but five dots means: Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind.'

Kelly:Kelly volunteers for the self-defense demonstration: 'I have had a lot of pent-up aggression. Thanks.'

Kelly · Toby:Kelly attacks Toby while yelling: 'You think you're so pretty! Well, you're not gonna be so pretty come prom time!'

Ryan · Kelly · Phyllis:Ryan tells Kelly he updated his Tumblr to announce Erin's departure: 'Ryan, why didn't you tell me?' 'Thought you checked my Tumblr.' 'You never update it.' 'Well, I updated it.'

Kelly · Ryan · Pam:Kelly responds to Ryan pointing out he cheated on her with 'Which time?'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan claims to have written an 'amazing love poem' for Kelly but says he can't read it because 'my heart couldn't handle it.' When pressed: 'This poem would crush you!'

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: 'Ravi makes me incredibly happy. And Ryan puts me through so much drama. So I guess I just have to decide which of those is more important to me.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan's marriage proposal: 'I wanna marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday. And probably.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan's closing proposal line: 'Even if the odds are 50/50 that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly. Ryan. Will you roll those dice with me?'

Ryan · Kelly:After Kelly rejects Ryan and asks for a hug, Ryan stares blankly and says 'What?' then 'This was really cool.'

Ryan · Pam · Kelly:After everything, Ryan reads from his 'poem' — it's barely coherent ('Kapoor and Kadesperate. He watches... He is a drifter out to see...') — and Kelly is clearly moved despite herself

Kelly · Narrator/Documentary:Kelly announcing she's going to Miami to 'hang with LeBron James and Gloria Estefan' — cut to: Miami University is in Ohio.

Kelly:On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused. 'Enjoy the snow, losers!'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan and Kelly both appearing without costumes — 'I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year.' 'Me neither.' 'It's Halloween.'

Kelly:This is a documentary? Oh! I always thought we were, like, specimens in a human zoo.

Kelly · Ryan:Whose baby is this? Oh, are you, like, a manny now? / No, this little guy is mine. / So, I was dating this girl, and one day she went out to get a new charger for her e-cigarette. Never came back. / Oldest story in the book.

Kelly · Ravi:Ravi's a pediatrician, and some of his patients are total uggos. / Uh, they're called premature, sweetie.