Initiation

Dwight:Alright Jim, I have a riddle for you. What has keys but no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but can't go inside?

Jim:A keyboard.

Dwight:That's... actually correct. Okay, okay. What is seen in the middle of March and April that can't be seen at the beginning or end of either month?

Jim:The letter R.

Dwight:How did you...? Fine. One more. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with wind. What am I?

Jim:An echo.

Dwight:You know what? You've been Googling these beforehand. That's the only explanation.

Dwight:How do you always know the answer immediately? How?!

Jim:I don't know, Dwight. I guess I just... think about it.

Dwight:Think about it?! THINK ABOUT IT?! I've been thinking about it for TWENTY MINUTES! My brain is on fire! I can taste copper! Is that normal?! Jim, is that normal?!

Jan:So Michael, walk me through your day. What exactly did you accomplish?

Michael:Well, I... I got here at 9:15, checked my email, had some coffee, made a few personal calls, reorganized my desk supplies, took a long lunch, came back, sent some emails, watched some YouTube videos about leadership, and then it was 5 o'clock.

Jan:So you did nothing.

Michael:I mean... when you say it like that, it sounds bad. But I was here. I was definitely here.

Michael:You know what? Fine. FINE. I don't care. I'm going home. And I'm taking my ball with me. My EXPENSIVE ball.

Michael:I went home, made myself a grilled cheese sandwich, but I used two slices of cheese instead of one. I'm not a hero, I'm just a guy who did what he had to do.

Michael:You know, in this office, we need to maintain professional boundaries. That's what separates us from animals. You can't just go around calling people names or making it weird.

Michael:So Jim, I'm gonna need you to stop calling Pam 'Pam-tastic' and just treat her with respect.

Michael:Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lunch meeting with my squeeze, and then I'm gonna go bang some chicks at Chili's.

Pam:I'm watching Michael and Jan, and honestly, it's like they've regressed from acting like they're 10 years old to acting like they're 5 years old.

Jim:So you're telling me you got promoted to VP of Sales?

Ryan:Yeah, that's right.

Jim:And you're only 23 years old?

Ryan:Mm-hmm.

Jim:And you've never actually sold anything?

Ryan:...No.

Jim:Well, that's... that's great, Ryan. Really great.

Ryan:Thanks.

Dwight:Ryan, I'm building an army. An army of champions. The Dwight Army of Champions. And I want you in it.

Ryan:Um... okay?

Dwight:You will be my right hand man. We will conquer this office together. Starting with Jim and Pam.

Ryan:Where are we?

Dwight:We are wherever we choose to be, Ryan. The mind is a powerful thing. Some say we are in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Others say we are in the hearts and minds of those we love. I say we are in a state of constant flux, balanced between the material world and the spiritual realm.

Jim:Your chair keeps squeaking. Why don't you just take mine?

Pam:No, I can't. If I get up, someone will steal it.

Jim:Pam, no one is going to steal your chair.

Pam:You don't know that. Besides, I've already been sitting here for three hours. If I stand up now, all that time is wasted.

Dwight:You know what? I'm gonna do a Bill Cosby impression to really connect with this client.

Dwight:*does wildly inappropriate Bill Cosby impression*

Dwight:These beet seeds have been in my family for generations. Today, I present them to you as a symbol of—

Ryan:Yeah, thanks.

Dwight:Wait, where are you going?

Ryan:I have somewhere to be.

Pam:Jim, that prank was barely a prank. You just moved my chair two inches.

Jim:What? You seemed pretty upset.

Pam:I was ACTING upset, Jim. That was a performance. An Oscar-caliber performance. And you didn't even give me anything to work with!

Dwight:A good mentor is like a farmer. You plant the seed, you water it, you nurture it as it grows.

Jim:That's actually... kind of nice, Dwight.

Dwight:Then when it's ready, you grab it firmly and... stroke it until the juices come out.

Pam:Oh my God.

Dwight:What? We're talking about mentorship.

Ryan:That's what she said.

Dwight:Smell that? That's manure.

Ryan:Yeah, I smell it.

Dwight:That's what your business ideas smell like.

Stanley:You know, I've worked here for twelve years. Twelve years of disappointment after disappointment. My marriage fell apart, my kids don't call me, I have a beet farm that's hemorrhaging money.

Stanley:But you know what? You know what gets me up in the morning? Free pretzels in the break room. That's it. That's all I need.

Michael:These kids look tough, like they're from the street. But when you listen to what they're actually talking about, it's surprisingly innocent stuff.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Phyllis, you can't just cut in line. We all have pretzels to buy, and we're all waiting our turn. It's called respect. It's called decency.

Phyllis:Michael, I'm just—

Michael:No. No 'just.' You know what? I'm going to tell you something. When I was a kid, my mom took me to get ice cream, and a big kid cut in front of me. You know what I did? I cried. For like an hour. And I said I would never let that happen to anyone else on my watch. And that was ice cream. This is pretzels. This is serious.

Michael:That's what I'm talking about! Those guys just got...served. Wait, no—pwned. Actually, you know what? They got totally...burned. No, that's not—they got dissed. Hard. Yeah, dissed. In your face, pretzel guys. Eat it.

Ryan:I thought having a mentor would be like, you know, getting advice on business and life.

Dwight:Wrong. A mentorship is about total submission to the mentor's will. You will address me as 'sensei.' You will wear this beet-themed headband at all times.

Ryan:That's... that's not what I signed up for.

Dwight:Too late. We're doing a trust fall into the retention pond at dawn.

Dwight:I know where Ryan is.

Dwight:He's in the annex.

Kelly:♪ Na na na na na na na ♪

Jim:Kelly, please stop.

Kelly:♪ Na na na na na na na ♪

Jim:I'm serious, Kelly. Stop.

Kelly:♪ Na na na na na na na ♪

Jim:Kelly! Please! I'm begging you!

Jim:I'm filing a formal complaint. Kelly's singing is cruel and unusual punishment. I'm pretty sure that violates the Geneva Convention.

Jim:Whatever happened to TLC?

Kelly:Oh my God, Jim. TLC broke up like ten years ago.

Jim:Oh no.

Kelly:Yeah, and it was a big deal. There was like, a whole thing.

Pam:Do you want a pretzel?

Michael:Oh, yes, please. But I want it to be a soft pretzel. And I want it to be warm. And I want it to have a lot of salt on it. And I want it to be shaped like a pretzel. And I don't want it to be a hard pretzel. And I want it to cost nothing. Because it's free.

Michael:No, no, no. You see, Pam, a pretzel is not just a snack. It's a moment. It's a — it's a philosophy. It's about taking time to appreciate the simple things in life. And if I don't stop to savor that pretzel, then what am I doing here? I'm just existing. I'm not living.

Michael:I'll be back.

Dwight:Every new temp must undergo the sacred initiation ritual. You will sit in the corner for three hours while we chant the Schrute family motto.

Ryan:So... hazing?

Dwight:It is not hazing. It is a time-honored tradition passed down through generations.

Ryan:You're just hazing me.

Michael:I'll take one pretzel with everything. And I mean everything. Cheese sauce, mustard, cinnamon sugar, jalapeños, chocolate chips, sriracha, ranch dressing, and those little pretzel pieces on top.

Dwight:This is my cousin Mose. Mose, this is my best friend Jim.

Dwight:Actually, if Ryan walked in right now, I would drop you like a bag of dirt.

Dwight:False. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight:Actually, Robert Mifflin didn't commit suicide. He was murdered by the British.

Ryan:That's... that's the same thing.

Dwight:No it's not. One is a crime of passion, the other is treason.

Michael Scott:What's your greatest fear?

Ryan:Probably that I'll end up like you.

Dwight:False. Michael is an amazing boss and a great man. But also, snakes can dislocate their jaws.

Dwight:The best way to deal with a fear is to face it head on. That's why I've decided to challenge my cousin Mose to a fight.

Jim:Wait, what? Dwight, that's insane.

Dwight:Mose has always intimidated me. So I'm going to overcome that fear by defeating him in single combat.

Pam:How is that going to help?

Dwight:Once I've bested Mose in battle, I will have conquered my fear. Plus, it will establish dominance on the farm.

Ryan:I'm not wrestling you, Michael. And I'm going to be honest with you — I think you're a bad person. I'm not going to wrestle you, and frankly, the whole thing is inappropriate and kind of insane.

Ryan:I'm leaving.

Dwight:You can't leave. Where will you go?

Ryan:I don't know, anywhere but here.

Dwight:Well, if you're really set on leaving, I suppose you could always try the coffin.

Dwight:Mose made this. It's an apology gift. He whittled it himself.

Jim:What is it?

Dwight:That's... that's not important.

Dwight:I'm not just here to do a job. I'm here to win. Every interaction is a competition. When Jim says good morning, that's a challenge. When Pam brings donuts, she's trying to win office morale points. I counter by bringing superior donuts the next day. Beets. The most competitive fruit.

Dwight:Wait, what are we doing? Oh my God, we're supposed to be working!

Dwight:False. We've been slacking. Time to go into full combat mode. I am a weapon.

Dwight:Nobody move. Nobody even breathe. I'm about to make some business happen.

Dwight:I'm closing this deal. It's like Let's Make a Deal, except there's no door number three because I've already eliminated the competition. Monty Hall would weep. You know what? You're getting the zonk, except the zonk is a fantastic contract that I've negotiated. This is Jeopardy in reverse, I'm giving you the answers and you're saying yes. And if you don't take this deal, you'll be singing 'Whammy, Whammy, Big Whammy' because you just got whammied by the best salesman in the Scranton branch. So what'll it be? Do you want what's behind door number... success?

Dwight:Michael always says, 'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.'

Dwight:It's a great philosophy. Really inspiring. Except... it personally wounds me because I have taken a lot of shots and I still miss.

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up! I've decided to completely reorganize the entire office layout. We're moving desks, we're changing departments, we're implementing a new system that I came up with last night at 3 AM.

Jim:Michael, did you sleep at all?

Michael:Sleep is for people without vision, Jim!

Jim:Okay, why don't we get you some juice and a snack, and then we can talk about this after nap time?

Michael:I don't need a nap! I need to reorganize!

Jim:That's what you said before your last nap. Come on, buddy. Let's go sit down.

Michael:I've reorganized the office for maximum efficiency and professional excellence.

Phyllis:Michael, you have pretzel salt all over your shirt.

Michael:That's... that's just seasoning from my leadership style.

Michael:Do you guys think I'm funny? Because I'm funny, right? I'm hilarious. You all laughed. That means I'm funny. Right? Everyone thinks I'm funny. I can tell. You're laughing. Keep laughing. Please keep laughing. Am I funny? Tell me I'm funny. I'm funny, aren't I?

Dwight:You know, Ryan, every salesman faces rejection. It builds character. When I was your age, I lost a sale to a man who said he was 'going digital.' I told him the Internet was just a fad. He laughed at me then, but who's laughing now?

Ryan:Um, probably him. It's 2006.

Dwight:Exactly. My point stands.

Dwight:Ryan, I know you've been down lately. So I'm proposing we engage in a team building exercise.

Ryan:What kind of exercise?

Dwight:Vandalism.

Ryan:That's not a team building exercise.

Dwight:Not with that attitude.

Dwight:You know, Ryan, I have to say... I'm really glad they randomly assigned us as partners. Because if I had to choose, I never would have picked you. But now that we're stuck together, I realize you're not completely worthless.

Ryan:Thanks, Dwight.

Dwight:That's the beauty of randomness. It forces you to work with people you'd normally avoid. And sometimes, you discover they have hidden potential.

Ryan:I'm just a temp. I could be gone tomorrow.

Pam:So I went to the movie theater, and I asked for two tickets to 'The Princess Bride,' and the guy gave me tickets to 'The Princess Diaries' instead.

Jim:Wait, how did you not notice that until you sat down?

Pam:I didn't look at them! I just walked straight in.

Jim:So you sat through an entire movie about a girl becoming a princess instead of a movie about a man who gets mostly dead?

Pam:I know, I know. It was awful.

Jim:That's... that's actually incredible.

Jim:So you're telling me you didn't know that was a movie? It's only been out for like ten years.

Pam:I don't know, I haven't seen everything!

Jim:Yeah, clearly. What else haven't you seen? The Godfather? Titanic? Sesame Street?

Pam:Jim...

Jim:This is great. You move to New York for like five seconds and suddenly you're reinventing yourself as someone who doesn't know anything.

Jim:Your apartment is so basic.

Pam:What? My apartment is nice!

Jim:Pam, you don't even have three kitchens.

Pam:Who has three kitchens?

Jim:Everyone. It's the standard.

Stanley:I'm already counting down to next Pretzel Day.