Safety Training

Pam · Andy:Pam greets Andy as 'Andy'; he corrects her with 'Drew'; she apologizes; he says 'Apology not accepted... because it wasn't even necessary in the first place.'

Andy:Andy's talking-head confessional: 'I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.'

Jim · Andy:Jim refuses to call Andy 'Drew': 'No, I'm not gonna call you that.' Andy: 'Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.'

Jim · Andy · Dwight:Jim passes along false messages: 'Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.' / 'Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!'

Jim · Dwight:Jim: 'Andy... Nah, that's too far. / Dwight: Damn you.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head: 'And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?' Michael: 'I can, and I have.' Darryl: 'No, no, no, no, no, no! I said should you?'

Michael · Darryl · Madge:Michael claims 'Pudge' has also driven the forklift; Darryl corrects: 'Madge.' Michael: 'I thought your name was Pudge.' Madge: 'No, it's always been Madge.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'Um, her. Her, yes, "her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl's story about his ankle injury: Michael kicked the ladder out and yelled 'Hey, Darryl, how's it hangin'?' — delivered as a serious workplace safety anecdote.

Michael:Michael: 'Bail 'er? I hardly know her.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael: 'Five bucks says it's over 50' (about arm amputations from bailers). Darryl: 'You really wanna bet?' ... 'Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?'

Michael:Michael: 'Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael: 'It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world...' Darryl: 'It would be the worst thing in the world, it would! What the hell is wrong with this man?'

Toby · Michael:Toby's safety tips all converge on taking ten minutes away per hour for different reasons — Michael does the math: 'Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like a half an hour every hour.'

Michael · Toby:Michael: 'Like sometimes, computers can explode. Can they not?' Toby: 'No, no.'

Toby · Michael · Dwight:Toby's sweater/cardigan tip devolves: Michael asks 'What about a long-sleeved tee?' Dwight: 'Long johns? A shawl?' — escalating suggestions until Toby says 'anything that warms you.'

Toby · Michael:Toby reads: 'sedimentary lifestyle' — Michael corrects: 'Sedentary.' — and the word had already been in Toby's printed materials for how long?

Michael · Darryl:Darryl: 'Heart disease kills more people than bailers.' Michael: 'That's called having a fat butt, Michael.' Darryl: 'Mmm, no, no, it's...' Michael: 'Yeah, yeah. That's fat butt disease. That's what you're suffering from?'

Kelly · Ryan · Michael · Darryl:Kelly calls a warehouse worker 'Sea Monster'; Ryan says 'Dude, please, tell your girl to shut up'; Michael says 'Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.' Kelly: 'Are you kidding me?' Darryl: 'All right, we out of here.'

Darryl:Darryl's speech: 'You live a sweet little NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.'

Michael:Michael's talking-head: 'Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal. I worked in a warehouse... Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter.'

Michael:Michael demonstrates his Men's Wearhouse greeting to the camera: 'Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.'

Jim · Pam · Kevin · Angela · Ryan · Oscar:The office workers betting on how many jellybeans (or similar objects) are in a jar; escalating guesses with Kevin being eliminated: 'Ten. Kev's out. Damn it!'

Oscar · Pam · Jim:Jim wins jellybean count; Pam's neighbor complains: 'He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. Okay. No, constantly... like, for years.'

Michael · Pam:Michael's pitch to Pam: 'Nobody commits suicide because they work with a bailer.' He wants to demonstrate depression is as dangerous as the warehouse hazards.

Michael:Michael's science museum metaphor: 'You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball. Your hair sticks up straight. And you know science.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight's panicked planning session: 'Because you know what our killer is? Depression. Wolves. Depression.' / 'Visual aids. Yes. A quilt... depression quilt?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'A quilt... depression quilt?'

Michael:Michael on the trampoline, talking-head: 'You may be asking yourself, "What am I doing on a trampoline?" Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not!'

Michael:Michael's plan: 'I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note... they might think, hey, I should've been nicer to Michael. But that's not why I'm doing this.'

Kelly · Ryan:The Netflix queue explanation to Ryan: an extended, patient explanation of how queue reordering works, concluding with 'It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?'

Ryan · Pam · Jim:Ryan's talking-head: timed Kelly's Netflix explanation at 2 minutes 42 seconds; Pam wins ten because Kelly said 'awesome' 12 times; Jim wins five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Michael · Dwight:Michael's plan to test the trampoline Letterman-style: 'Throw a TV over.' / 'We measured it once.' / 'Go buy some watermelons.' / 'Seedless?'

Creed:Creed appears eating an apple when people are going to get watermelons — he is just there, eating an apple, then holds up a potato: 'I found a potato.'

Michael · Dwight:The watermelon test: they drop it and it visibly hits a car in the parking lot, setting off an alarm. Dwight: 'Oh, crap!'

Michael:Michael: 'Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini. See if he handles hate crimes.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Take apart the trampoline, stick it in the bailer.' Dwight: 'We're not allowed to use the bailer.' Michael: 'Have Patch do it... or the sea monster.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's shunning negotiation with Andy: 'I'm temporarily lifting the shun.' / Andy: 'Thank you.' / Dwight: 'It means nothing.' then 'Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.' for the drawbridge question.

Dwight:Dwight advises Michael on bouncy castle landings: 'When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.'

Dwight:Michael: 'I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'This is about doing, not thinking.' / 'Right, doing! Totally doing! It's rock and roll! Rock and roll! Yeah!' / 'You're right; I'm not thinking.'

Dwight · Oscar · Andy:Dwight summons the warehouse: 'Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.' Oscar: 'Whoa, what's the situation?' Dwight: 'Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.'

Oscar · Dwight:Oscar: 'When's the shunning thing gonna end?' Dwight: 'Un-shun... never! Re-shun.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight announces: 'I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.' Stanley: 'Is it nice outside?' Dwight: 'It's gorgeous. Let's go!'

Dwight · Office Workers:Someone asks 'Do I need my jacket?' / 'Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?' — Dwight: 'Everyone's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!'

Michael · Dwight:Michael's performance on the roof: 'Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year, according to a 2004 study.' Dwight: 'Is that the last year to date it was available?'

Michael · Dwight:Dwight forgot to bring the warehouse workers. Michael: 'That's the whole point, dummy.' Dwight: 'You said to just...' Michael: 'That's the whole point, dummy.'

Jim:Jim: 'If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.'

Dwight:The second performance: Dwight announces Michael's rooftop distress. Michael delivers identical lines. Dwight talks to camera: 'Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Um... Might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.'

Darryl · Warehouse Workers:Darryl: 'This is just offensive.' / Other worker: 'At least we're outside.' / Worker: 'Hey, check it out. There's a castle over there.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight (into phone or to Michael): 'They found the castle, Michael.' Michael: 'Damn it.'

Crowd · Jim:The crowd watching Michael: 'Oh, my God!' 'He's gonna jump.' 'Oh.' 'He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.' 'Yeah.'

Pam:Pam (on phone from below): 'Hey, uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that 'cause you are going to get horribly, horribly injured.'

Dwight:Dwight guesses Pam's present is 'A Repliee Q1 Expo female robot. They're only available in Japan.'

Pam · Dwight:Pam: 'Dwight, you are such a liar.' Dwight: 'Pam, really, what is it?'

Michael · Darryl:Michael from the roof: 'You told me that I lead a... a cushy, wimpy, NERF life.' Darryl: 'Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man.' Michael: 'It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.'

Darryl · Michael:Darryl: 'You're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.' Michael: 'Do you really mean that?' Darryl: 'I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.' Michael: 'I'm braver than you?' Darryl: 'Way braver!'

Michael:Michael: 'I Braveheart.'

Michael:Michael's final talking-head: 'An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life... my own.'