Safety Training

Andy:I've decided to go by a new name.

Pam:Oh my god, I'm so sorry for calling you by your old name!

Andy:No, no, Pam, you don't need to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong.

Andy:I used to have a real problem with anger. But I've been working on it, and I've made a lot of progress. Now when I feel that rage building up inside me, I just take a deep breath and I call it 'the grumpies.'

Andy:Okay, so I've been reading about this thing called 'intentional rebranding' and I really think we should all start calling me 'Drew.'

Jim:No.

Andy:Jim, I'm coming from a place of personal growth here. I'm trying to establish healthy boundaries around my identity.

Jim:Still no.

Andy:You know what? That's fine. I accept your resistance. I'm going to let that be your truth, and I'm going to exist in my truth, which is that my name is Drew now.

Dwight:I'm shunning Andy. It's like slapping someone with silence. And I'm looking forward to it.

Dwight:When I was a child, I was shunned for something I didn't even do. I was accused of eating the last brownie at a school bake sale. I didn't eat it. But nobody believed me. For three years, nobody would talk to me. Three years. All because of one brownie.

Dwight:I need to know if you're with me or against me.

Jim:He says... he thinks you're a coward and your sales technique is outdated.

Andy:Whoa! Well, tell him he's a fraud and a phony.

Jim:Dwight says you have no business sense and you smell like a barn animal.

Dwight:What? I didn't say that!

Jim:He also said your bear knowledge is completely made up and you've never actually seen a bear in the wild.

Dwight:That is completely false! I have extensive bear knowledge!

Jim:And he said the only thing you know about bears is from watching nature documentaries at 2 AM in your underwear.

Dwight:Jim, you need to stop spreading false information about bears. Bears are apex predators that deserve respect based on facts, not fiction.

Jim:Dwight, come on. I was just having a little fun.

Dwight:Fun? You told everyone that bears can't run downhill. That's completely false and dangerous misinformation.

Jim:Okay, okay. You're right. That's crossing a line. Sharing actual bear facts? That's too far, man.

Michael:Darryl's got a safety presentation for us today, and let me tell you, it is going to be zoppity.

Darryl:Did you just make up a word?

Michael:No, zoppity is a real word. It means awesome. All the kids are saying it.

Michael:Hey Pudge!

Madge:Actually, it's Madge. It's always been Madge.

Michael:Right, right, of course. Madge.

Darryl:So I'm falling, right? And this guy from the office yells up at me, 'Hey Darryl, I guess you could say things are really hanging in the balance!'

Darryl:Hanging in the balance. I'm plummeting to my death and he's making puns.

Michael:Bailer? I hardly know her!

Michael:You know what? I'm not even worried about workplace safety anymore. March Madness is over. What am I supposed to do with my time now?

Michael:It's just a machine. How dangerous could it be?

Darryl:It's a bailer, Michael. It crushes cardboard into cubes. It will crush you into a cube.

Michael:Adds cruel personal insult about Toby screwing up everything in his life

Michael:So if I take my 15-minute break, plus my lunch hour, plus my two 10-minute breaks, that's... one hour and 35 minutes a day I'm not working.

Toby:You could take them all at once.

Michael:What?

Toby:Take all your breaks at the same time. Then you'd only lose an hour and 35 minutes once, instead of spread throughout the day.

Michael:Toby, you genius.

Michael:Computers can explode. It's a safety hazard.

Toby:No they can't.

Michael:Yes they can, Toby. I've seen it happen.

Toby:No, you haven't.

Michael:You need to dress warmly. Maybe a sweater?

Toby:A sweater should be fine.

Michael:Or a cardigan. Very professional. Or a poncho. Actually, a cape. A cape is always appropriate in an office setting. Or a shawl.

Toby:Sitting all day is very sedimentary to your health.

Michael:Did you just say sedimentary?

Toby:Yes, sedimentary lifestyle.

Darryl:He means sedentary. And basically what he's saying is you got a fat butt disease from sitting down all day.

Kelly:Sea monster.

Warehouse Worker:You know what? I like that. Sea monster. That's kind of hot.

Darryl:Sittin' on your biscuit, never havin' to risk it

Michael:I've worked in a warehouse before.

Darryl:Oh yeah? Where?

Michael:Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter.

Michael:Welcome to the store! How are you doing today? Can I help you find anything? We have a sale going on right now. Check out our clearance section in the back. Thanks for coming in!

Oscar:It's called strategy. In 'The Price is Right,' you always bid one dollar more than the previous bid.

Someone:That's the most annoying thing I've ever heard.

Oscar:Well, it works.

Angela:You have an unfair advantage! You're always at the reception desk with Pam.

Jim:Angela, I sit at my desk most of the day.

Angela:Oh really? Because I've seen you over there. Every day. Multiple times. Lingering. Talking. Laughing. I've timed it. Seventeen minutes on Tuesday. Twenty-three minutes on Thursday. Forty-five minutes last Friday between 2 and 3 PM.

Pam:Angela, that's... that's not—

Angela:And the hand gestures. The way you lean against her desk. I've documented it all.

Jim:Okay, this is getting weird.

Michael:Depression is like a baler. You don't think about it, and then suddenly you're in it, and the tines are crushing you. That's depression.

Michael:And suicide... suicide is like when the power goes out on the baler. You think everything's fine, but then boom, it turns back on and... that's what causes suicide.

Michael:That's why I always say, you touch the ball, you know science.

Michael:Depression, wolves, and depression.

Michael:I'm not doing this for sympathy. I'm doing this because I genuinely want people to feel bad for me.

Michael Scott:Ta-da!

Ryan:Netflix is a revolutionary platform that disrupts the traditional model of content distribution through a sophisticated algorithm that leverages big data to create personalized viewing experiences while maintaining a sustainable subscription-based revenue model that scales globally.

Jim:Forty-seven seconds.

Pam:I had fifty-two. He said 'disrupts.'

Andy:Does the thing where he touches his hair count as a tic?

Jim:That's plus ten seconds automatically.

Ryan:What are you guys doing?

Pam:Nothing. Keep going.

Kelly:You're such a ditz! You literally just spent like three minutes explaining how Netflix works and you forgot already?

Dwight:Should we use seedless watermelons for the crash test?

Jim:Why would it matter if they're seedless?

Dwight:Because seeds are a projectile hazard in a high-impact collision scenario.

Michael:Dwight's right. We need to think safety first.

Creed:Oh, I found a potato.

Michael:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Dwight, we need to call a lawyer. We need to call a lawyer right now.

Dwight:Michael, it's just a watermelon. We can clean this up.

Michael:No, no, no, you don't understand. That car is registered to corporate. Do you know what that means? That means we're liable. We are liable, Dwight!

Dwight:I'll take full responsibility.

Michael:No, you can't take responsibility because then it looks like negligence. We need to make it look like an accident. A genuine accident. Get the hose, wash away all the evidence. And Dwight, do not tell anyone about this. Not Jim, not Pam, nobody.

Dwight:You can count on me.

Michael:And if anyone asks, the watermelon was defective. Defective. Got it?

Michael:Okay, everyone, listen up. We need to file a report about the car accident. Now, I know this is sensitive, but we have to be thorough.

Michael:Stanley, I'm going to need you to think very carefully about whether you consider this a hate crime.

Stanley:What? No, Michael, it was an accident.

Michael:Are you sure? Because if you do consider it a hate crime, we need to handle this very differently.

Michael:I need someone to dispose of this trampoline in the bailer.

Michael:Hey, where's Speedy and The Funk?

Dwight:Andy, I need your help. I'm lifting the shun.

Andy:Really? Does this mean we're friends again?

Dwight:No. I'm lifting the shun for practical purposes only. Once I no longer need you, the shun will be reinstated immediately.

Dwight:Andy, I need you to acquire an inflatable castle for the office.

Andy:Okay, I'll do it.

Dwight:Good.

Andy:Does it have a moat?

Dwight:Yes.

Andy:Drawbridge?

Dwight:Yes.

Andy:Turrets?

Dwight:Yes.

Dwight:When you land, you need to land like an eight-year-old.

Michael:What does that mean?

Dwight:Knees bent, arms flailing, screaming.

Michael:What if I test it and it turns out I don't want to do it?

Dwight:Then stop thinking about it.

Andy:Everyone outside, NOW! This is an emergency!

Stanley:What kind of emergency?

Andy:Just get outside!

Phyllis:Should I grab my sweater?

Andy:I don't care about your sweater, just GO!

Stanley:What about my tie?

Andy:Leave the tie! Everything outside, NOW!

Phyllis:But my shoes are uncomfortable...

Andy:I don't care! MOVE!

Dwight:I'm not depressed. Depression is for people who lack the strength to deal with reality.

Michael:You ignorant slut!

Kevin:Look, Michael's suicide is fake. I'm betting my life savings on it. Same logic applies to the John Mellencamp Oscar bet.

Oscar:That was... actually pretty good. The way you threw yourself into it—literally and figuratively. I'm thinking of bringing my family back to see the matinee.

Michael:Okay, okay, everyone! I have an announcement. I am going to do my famous impersonation of—

Jim:Is that a bounce castle?

Michael:What? No. No, that's not— Let me finish. As I was saying, my impression of—

Pam:Michael, there's literally a bounce castle right there.

Michael:Okay, fine, yes, there's a bounce castle, but that's not the point. The point is my impersonation. It's very good. Everyone, if you could just focus on me for one second—

Jim:Can we go in the bounce castle?

Michael:No! I mean, yes, later. But right now, I am performing. This is my time.

Jim:This is going to be the best day of his life or the worst day of his life. There's really no in between.

Dwight:I can help you. Tell Michael you got him a present. Here's what you say you got him: a bonsai tree, but it's dead, so it's actually just a small, dead tree in a pot.

Pam:That's... that's not a present.

Dwight:It's better. It's a cry for help.

Michael:You called me a wimp!

Darryl:Calling you a wimp wasn't a death sentence, man.

Darryl:You know what, Michael? It takes real courage to be who you are.

Michael:Really? Thanks, Darryl.

Darryl:I mean, if I was you, I'd need a lot of courage just to look in the mirror every morning.

Darryl:You got the heart of a warrior, Michael. Like Braveheart. 'They can take our lives, but they can't take our freedom!' Except in your case, they took your dignity, but they can't take your optimism.

Michael:Thank you, Darryl. That means a lot. I am like Braveheart. I fights for what I believes in.

Michael:I can't say whether I'm a hero or not. That's for other people to decide. But yes, I'm a hero.