The Negotiation

Michael:Magic camp is not just for kids. There were plenty of adults there.

Michael:I was the oldest one there by like three years.

Michael:Dream. Belief in magic. And... a signed permission slip from a parent or legal guardian.

Dwight:I will be performing an incredible magic show for the office this Friday. I expect full attendance.

Jim:What kind of magic?

Dwight:I will make things disappear and reappear. I'll have you all on the edge of your seats as I work my magic deep inside the box.

Pam:That's what she said.

Dwight:Do you think Michael could escape from this?

Jim:No. Michael would die.

Jim:So if we don't escape in an hour, what happens?

Michael:Well, you're locked in here forever.

Jim:Forever?

Michael:No, not forever. Just... a very long time.

Jim:How long?

Michael:I don't know. I didn't read the rules.

Michael:I'm going to escape using magic and the magician's code.

Michael:Wait, can someone help me? Does anyone have a key?

Michael:You know what they say: the early bird gets the worm... and the second mouse gets the cheese.

Kevin:Wait, why would the worm be friends with the bird?

Michael:What?

Kevin:You said the early bird gets the worm. That means they're together, right? So they must be friends.

Michael:Pam, smell my breath.

Pam:No.

Michael:Come on, just smell it.

Pam:Why would I want to do that?

Michael:I think it smells like cumin.

Pam:It smells like you've been eating garbage.

Michael:The CFO is coming to our party tonight, and it's very important that we make a good impression.

Michael:For those who don't know, CFO stands for Chief Financial Officer. Not... Carl F. Ontariosworth or anything like that.

Jim:Well, I don't know. I just... I don't really feel like going to a party where everyone from work is going to be there.

Jim:Plus, I've been to like five of these already this year, and they're all kind of the same.

Jim:Also, Dwight will definitely try to one-up me about something, and I'm just not in the mood for it.

Jim:And honestly? I'm tired of pretending to enjoy Michael's stories.

Jim:But really, the main reason is... I'm getting tired of this show.

Jim:Thanks for inviting me.

Karen:I didn't. Michael did.

Jan:Let's just blow this party off

Michael:That's what she said

Jan:Michael, are you there? I've been thinking about you all day.

Jan:I can't wait to see you tonight. I want to do things to you that would make your head spin.

Jan:I'm getting hot just thinking about it. What are you wearing?

Jan:Tell me you want me, Michael. Tell me right now.

Roy:I can't go to the bar tonight, man. I took a bath on that used truck I bought.

Roy:Actually, you know what? Forget it. I'm getting drunk.

Roy:We're going to get hammered.

Jim:Or we could just have a couple beers.

Pam:I've decided to be more direct and assertive. No more beating around the bush.

Pam:Jim, those are my Cheetos.

Jim:Michael, we're wearing khakis and polos to a black-tie event.

Michael:So? I think we look sharp.

Jim:Everyone else is in tuxedos.

Michael:Well, I didn't get the memo.

Michael:Jim, Jim, Jim. I need to borrow your shirt.

Jim:What? Why would you need my shirt?

Michael:Because I spilled coffee on mine and I have a meeting with corporate in five minutes.

Jim:Michael, your shirt is twice the size of mine. It's not going to fit.

Michael:I don't care. Give it to me.

Jim:No.

Michael:That's fine. I'll just... I'll make it work.

Dwight:Well, of course I arrived early. It's basic mathematics. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Mice, birds, they're all just trying to survive. And survival is 90% about showing up before everyone else. Which is why I always arrive at least 45 minutes early to any social gathering. It's called 'Primus Arrivis,' a little Latin I picked up. Means 'first arrival.' The Romans knew what they were doing.

Kevin:The potato salad is from both of us.

Angela:It's from me. That's my bowl.

Kevin:We should keep the cover on the potato salad.

Kevin:If someone eats it without the cover, they're gonna get food poisoning. Bad food poisoning.

Kevin:A wedding date? Do you know what you're asking me? That's... that's a huge decision. I mean, what if I pick a date and then later there's a better date? What if it rains? What if it's too sunny? Stacey wants June, but what if June is bad this year?

Creed:You know, I've eaten things that would make a billy goat puke. I once ate a whole wheel of cheese. I'm not even sure it was cheese.

Jan:I mean, dating Michael is like... it starts out fine, and then it just gets worse and worse. Like, first it's small things, you know, he forgets to call. Then he lies about where he was. Then he's screaming at you in a Chili's. And then... I don't know, you just collapse into yourself like a dying star.

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:Oh my God.

Dwight:Your wife has terrible taste in television. The Bachelor is for people with no ambition or critical thinking skills.

Host:That's... my wife you're talking about.

Dwight:Exactly my point.

Michael:Jan, this is my boss, Jan. Jan, this is my boss.

Michael:We're... we're very close. Very intimate.

Michael:How did the merger go? It's like when Forrest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. That's mergers.

Karen:Most of the Stamford employees are being transferred here to Scranton.

Karen:And we're going to merge the two branches together.

Karen:Oh, and Ryan's in anger management now, so that's... good.

Michael:Yes, I would like a bottle of water, please. And not just any water — I want it to be from a spring. A spring that I can pronounce: Perrier.

Dwight:How much did your house cost?

Michael:It was $400,000.

Dwight:That's way too much. I could get a house like that for $200,000.

Michael:No, you couldn't, Dwight.

Dwight:Yes, I could. I know a guy.

David Brent:I'd like to propose a toast with this rather expensive scotch. You know, it reminds me of the time Lee Iacocca invented the DeLorean.

Roy:I know Pam like the back of my hand. I can read her like a book.

Pam:Actually, Roy, I'm pregnant.

Creed:Yeah, I'm the man around here. I've been here the longest, I know where all the bodies are buried. Literally. I know where they are.

Creed:I've done things you people wouldn't believe. Tax evasion, identity theft, I once bit a man's ear off in Saigon. But I got better.

Dwight:This foundation is poorly constructed. I'm going to need to examine the load-bearing walls.

Jim:Dwight, you're a guest at a party, not a structural engineer.

Dwight:A Schrute is always prepared. Plus, I noticed the drywall has water damage on the east side.

Pam:How is that even visible from here?

Dwight:A trained eye sees what others cannot. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to inspect the attic for mold and rodent droppings.

Michael:We're going to have an amazing Christmas vacation. It's going to be adults only. No kids. What's that Latin term? Oh yeah, 'No rugrats.'

Dwight:Where did you get this chair?

Host:Oh, this chair? It's been in my family for generations. My great-great-grandfather sat in it.

Dwight:How is that possible? You're only 32.

Rachel:I don't know about the chair.

Dwight:Well, that's because you're an idiot.

Jim:Wait, so all those guys you told me about... the banker, the guy from yoga, that musician...

Karen:I made them all up.

Jim:What? Why would you—

Karen:Because you kept asking about my exes, and I didn't want you to think I was inexperienced. So I just... invented some guys.

Jim:So you're saying...

Karen:You're actually my first serious relationship, yeah.

Kevin:I don't understand. Store-bought is better than homemade? That doesn't make any sense.

Kevin:My potato salad is... it's a recipe that's been passed down through my family for generations.

Kevin:But I guess... I guess Kraft just knows something my family doesn't.

Dwight:I have termites in the east wing, the septic tank is backed up, and the former owners left a pentagram in the basement. But you know what? I consider this a fun party experience.

Pam:Roy, I need to be honest with you about something.

Roy:What?

Pam:I slept with Jim.

Roy:It's the jet skis, man. Everything was fine until the jet skis.

Michael:You know what? I think that went really well.

Michael:She's upset, which means she cares. That's love.

Michael:Dysfunction is just passion without a manual.

Michael:Jan, come on. We could have a really great life together. We could have a house with a big yard, and a hot tub. And we could have little Michael Juniors running around.

Michael:And on Saturdays, we could have ketchup fights in the kitchen.

Dwight:Michael, Jan is testing you. It's what strong women do. My father always said, 'A woman who yells at you in public is a woman who respects you.' You should be honored.

Roy:You know what, Jim? I spent all my money bribing the cops, and now I'm broke. And it's YOUR fault for making me confess!

Roy:I'm gonna kill you, man. I'm serious.

Jim:Roy, I didn't make you do anything—

Roy:Shut up! You think this is funny? I'm gonna murder you!