The Farm

Jim · Dwight:Dwight enters wearing elaborate mourning attire; Jim says 'New glasses.'

Dwight:Dwight explains he is 'dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning.'

Pam:Pam: 'Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother. My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.'

Dwight:Dwight explains the Schrute funeral invitation custom: red fertile dirt in the face = invited; black acidic soil = stay away.

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks 'What color is it?' Someone replies 'It looks pretty black.' Then Dwight spits the dirt out.

Pam:Pam says 'Oh, thank God' upon being disinvited from the funeral, then immediately panics and backpedals.

Pam:Pam admits she's relieved because she has a personal training session.

Pam:Talking head: 'I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight 12 years. Twelve years. Time is a son of a bitch.'

Dwight · Oscar:Someone tries to make a dirtball and is told 'you can't make a dirtball' while Dwight is grieving; Dwight screams into dirt.

Mose:Mose asks 'Will there be ghosts there?' about the funeral.

Dwight · Zeke:Both Dwight and Zeke simultaneously say 'Get in the sidecar' to each other, then argue about who should get in.

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar shows up at the farm; Dwight says 'Oh, yeah' when reminded he threw red dirt — meaning he accidentally invited Oscar.

Dwight · Jeb:Dwight and Jeb greeting: bear-hug wrestling match where neither will go through the door first, escalating to grunting and 'Uncle! Uncle!'

Jeb · Oscar:Jeb greets Oscar: 'Hey, moon face. Nice to see those shiny little Chinese eyes of yours.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking-head reaction to Jeb's racist greeting: just 'Bad.'

Todd Packer:Todd Packer arrives at the office announcing he is in recovery and on 'step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous, step nine of Narcotics Anonymous.'

Todd Packer:Todd Packer arrives at the office announcing he's in a 12-step program: 'Step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous, step nine of Narcotics Anonymous.'

Todd Packer · Pam:Packer's 'apology' to Pam: 'Pam Pam and her pampams. Well, I have said some crude things about those. But they are beautiful, and I guess that's why I acted out.'

Todd Packer · Pam:Packer: 'I'm sorry I objectified you and personified your breasts.'

Todd Packer · Phyllis:Packer apologizes to 'Phylly' for things said 'to your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings.'

Todd Packer · Stanley · Kevin:Packer extends the Phyllis apology to 'all you double XLs — Stanley, Kevin, this kid in a few years' (pointing at a child).

Jim:Someone calls out: 'Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.'

Todd Packer · Jim:Packer introduces cupcakes from a bakery he calls 'Nipples' (it's called 'Nibbles').

Officiant:The funeral officiant: 'We are here today to join this woman and the ground.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight and Oscar argue about the soil quality at the cemetery: 'It's crap soil. Nothing's gonna grow here.' / 'It's a cemetery.' / 'I'm saying it's garbage soil, that's all.'

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar: 'The only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.' Dwight: 'That's fine, cause they're not gonna grow.' Oscar: 'Well, I thank God they're not, because we don't wanna make zombies.' Dwight: 'Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.'

Esther · Henry:Dwight's neighbor Henry and love interest Esther arrive at the funeral; Esther says she came because 'This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.'

Dwight · Esther:Dwight flirts with Esther via an agricultural efficiency proverb: 'If you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens?'

Oscar:Oscar's horrified reaction to Dwight's chicken-neck flirtation while they're at a funeral.

Officiant:The funeral eulogy mentions Aunt Shirley's land size: 'Shirley, at 1,600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area, sharing borders with six other farms...'

Dwight:Dwight explains the Schrute custom of confirming death: doctors are needed because of 'an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers' and when 'grave robbers discovered scratch marks on the inside of coffins.'

Dwight:The doctor/officiant apparently checks the body and confirms death. Dwight: 'That's it for me.'

Kevin:Kevin knows the exact price of the cupcakes: '$3.75 a cupcake actually, $3.67 if you buy a dozen. I never forget a number. Names, in one ear and out the other. Places, nope. Faces, that's rich. But numbers, I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.'

unnamed coworker · Kevin (likely):I don't think we should eat Packer's cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction. / Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense but they're also really fluffy.

Todd Packer · Clark:Clark introduces himself to Packer; Packer immediately apologizes: 'Sorry for calling you a fat little runt earlier.' Clark: 'You didn't actually say that.' Packer: 'No? Wow, I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts in my head.'

Jim · Pam:Jim starts reconsidering eating the cupcakes, invoking the prank history: 'Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we've sent him down to Florida on a prank, and you did fire him.'

Jim · Pam · Phyllis:The entire group's dignity debate devolves into a tangent about whether Supermart's bakery is any good: 'It's awful! And it's getting worse every day.'

Aunt Shirley:Aunt Shirley's pre-recorded funeral message: 'Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly.'

Aunt Shirley · Fanny:Aunt Shirley's video: 'Fanny, a single mama in the city.' Fanny: 'Thank you.' (As if it's a compliment.)

Aunt Shirley · Jeb:Jeb's backstory: he bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. 'Turns out worm means something else out there, and I am now in the business of pain management. Or the smoking of pain management.'

Fanny · Dwight:I don't wanna be mean, or insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain sort of sophistication that Cammie and I are drawn to. / I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And I was recently published. Which is just... Maybe I have... Yep, I do. Here it is, from the hartfordwomens litquarterly.com. 'A Willing Ignorance' by Fanny Schrute.

Jeb:Jeb's talking head: 'Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Dwight was obviously the cool one, and Mose was the visionary, which left me to be the comedian.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.'

Fanny:Fanny explains Schrute courting custom: man throws crow beaks at woman; if interested, she destroys the beaks.

Kevin · Angela:Kevin's anti-cupcake resistance breaks: 'Kevin, you can do this.' 'You don't know that.' — Kevin is clearly very close to eating the cupcake.

Angela · Kevin:The Skyfall distraction gambit: 'Let's think of something to distract us. Like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?' / 'James Bond was a spy.' / 'Yes, he was a good spy.' / 'Yeah. He was the best.' / 'James Bond would love this cupcake.'

Todd Packer:Packer's confessional: 'I am going through a 12-step program. I'm currently on step zero, which is have a [bleeped] load of fun.'

Todd Packer:Packer describes spending six hours carefully layering drugs and laxatives into the cupcake frosting: 'some legal, some not, some laxative, some constipating.'

Pam:Pam eats the cupcake the next morning. The group reconvenes to compare drug/laxative effects.

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight takes eggs from chickens described as 'killer chickens'; he tells Oscar: 'Yes, very. You really need to stand back. 'Cause these are killer chickens.' / 'I was just asking you something I didn't know.' / 'Which is fine, and you learned something. But it was kind of a stupid question, so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.'

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar: 'Is that a guillotine?' Dwight: 'This? No. That'd be cool though. It's for milking.'

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar asks 'That's a cow?' Dwight: 'Did you just ask me if this was a cow?'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight teaches Oscar to milk a cow: 'Grab a teat with each hand.' / 'Okay, you suck at this. Gimme those teats.'

Dwight · Oscar:Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. / There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull, use some muscle. Draw the milk out. / Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy? / I don't know any of that. / Okay, you suck at this. Gimme those teats.

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight: 'Didn't your father teach you anything?' Oscar: 'I never met him.'

Pam:Hey, everybody. I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim, I talked to my sister, and I think that as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's okay.

Phyllis · Others:Drugged cupcake aftermath montage: Phyllis played with dolls and ordered thousands of dollars of American Girl outfits; others got diarrhea; someone went Christmas caroling in March and 'fertilized some bushes along the way.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy is asked what he did last night. He says 'Nothing, really' while clearly having done something; Kevin is asked and also denies it. They insist they did not see each other while clearly reacting to something off-screen. Then they scream together.

Pam · Andy:What did you do, Andy? / ANDY: Last night! Oh, God. I don't know. Nothing, really. [audio of screaming] Gosh, actually, it is hard to recall. Pretty normal night.

Todd Packer · Jim:The group decides Packer is 'officially the worst human being.' Then someone gives him a red velvet cupcake and he apologizes again. 'I should apologize too.' 'It's okay. I'm over it.' Then Packer eats a drugged cupcake from his own stash.

Todd Packer · unnamed coworker:So, that's it. I just wanted to make amends. [cupcake box still in hand] / That's big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage. / Red velvet.

Dwight · Fanny · Jeb:Schrute siblings play 'Not It' over who manages the farm: 'Not it. Not it. It.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight tells Oscar his kid needs farm time: 'If your kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that.' Oscar: 'All right, fine.'