Andy Bernard

Andy:Andy's confessional: "I got Angela. She's into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that."

Andy:'Steer clear, Big Tuna. Head for open waters.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I went to Cornell. You ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the a cappella group, Here Comes Treble.'

Jim · Andy · Josh:I'm just killing Germans any way I can. / We're on the German team. / Shoot the British.

Andy · Jim:Andy's war room Call of Duty briefing: 'It's the new guy.' / 'Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.'

Andy:Jim! In Carentan? Are you playing for the other team? You don't snipe in Carentan, okay? It's saboteur! Saboteur!

Andy:I'm gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Jim · Andy:Stamford: Jim being schooled on Call of Duty while Andy whispers about him, Jim catches them.

Jim · Andy:Jim shoots Andy's character in the back during the game after being ridiculed. Andy: 'Wow!' / 'Psychopath.'

Andy · Karen:Andy declares that Karen's snack food preferences fall 'under the umbrella of his authority' as project supervisor and that work stops until she gets the chips she requires

Andy · Karen:Andy insists Karen is 'not a quitter' when she tries to end the chip quest; Karen: 'I am not a quitter. I will do this all day, if you want.' Andy: 'Really?' Karen: 'Yeah, all day.'

Jim · Andy · Karen:Jim's deadpan recap to the third party joining: 'We went right for the copier. Mm-hmm. And then we checked the fax machine. Yeah, nothing there.'

Andy · Jim:The chip-quest phone call to 'West Side Market': Andy pretending to be 'Mike from the store,' then asking Jim what his store number is. Jim whispers: 'Six.' Andy: 'Six? — no. I'll call you back.' Then to Jim: 'Shut up. Six?'

Andy · Jim:Andy's French phone call to a Montreal supermarket: 'Bonjour, je cherche de chips de la marque Herr's. Non? Oh, merci comme même. Au revoir.' Jim: 'Sounded good.'

Andy · Jim:The chair standoff — Andy accuses Jim of taking his chair; Jim explains he 'took back the chair that you took from me' but didn't take Andy's chair

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'When you get up, I'm just gonna take it back anyway, so...' Andy: 'So I guess I can't get up?'

Andy · Jim:Andy approaches Jim to ask him to 'stand up and talk to me over there' — an elaborate attempt to steal the chair

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'That's it? That's what you came up with?' Andy: 'I am acting my heart out here.'

Andy · Jim:Andy and Jim take shots together at the Diwali party: 'One, two, three, shot!' followed by Andy's extended reaction: 'Oh, holy mother of God... Oh, that burns! Golly... That's good...'

Andy · Jim:Andy performs a cappella at the party; Jim shuts him down: 'Andy, no a cappella.' Andy continues anyway, and somehow Jim joins in.

Andy · Jim · Karen:(ANDY AND JIM SINGING together) / Wait. / The less I seek my source / Oh, come on, guys, please. / The closer I am to fine / That's not good. / Tuna! Are you kidding me?

Karen · Andy:Drunk Andy stumbles out, and Karen yells: 'Hey, dummy, get in the car.' / Andy: 'I'm a drunk driver.' / Karen: 'Yes, you are.'

Andy · Karen:Andy in the car: 'And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right?' — Karen: 'Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything.'

Andy:Andy tells someone at Stamford about the Scranton rumors and says 'In your face. Well, I work here now. Sucker.'

Andy:Andy introduces Josh to a crowd: 'Ladies and gentlemen, our fearless leader, Josh Porter! Josh, take a bow. Take a bow!'

Andy:Andy's talking-head about Jim returning: 'Jim Halpert, will Big Tuna be transferring to Scranton?' Then proceeds to describe the Cornell alumni network with increasing self-congratulation, ending in '...I'll probably go back and teach or something.'

Andy:Bernard made staple hats as the Stamford branch closes

Andy · Jim:Andy interrogating Jim about Michael: 'Likes, dislikes, favorites sports, favorite movies, favorite man's magazine'

Andy · Jim:'Good luck over there, tuna. Cross me, and I will destroy you.' 'Sounds good, Andy.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I'll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter that makes stairs.'

Andy:Andy confessional: 'I'll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off handshakes. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter that makes stairs.'

Michael · Andy:Michael greeting Andy with 'Aloha and welcome!' / Andy responding 'Aloha and... hello.'

Andy · Michael:Andy to Michael: 'Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom... Mike.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight vs. Andy title dispute: 'Regional Director in charge of sales' vs. 'Assistant Regional Manager.' Andy: 'I'm a director, which on a film set is the highest title there is.' Dwight: 'Do you know anything about film?' Andy: 'I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.' Dwight: 'Congratulations.'

Andy:Andy's talking head explaining his strategy to marginalize Dwight while 'Andy Bernard is out there, laying on the charm'

Andy · Angela:Andy showing Angela his screensaver and her unexpectedly responding 'I do like it, actually' — and the audience not seeing what it is

Andy · Unknown:Someone from the new group: 'I told you this guy had a sense of humor.' / 'Very funny, Michael. Really, really funny, Michael.' (clearly sarcastic)

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle.'

Michael · Andy:Andy complimenting Michael with 'great Aplam' (probably 'élan') as he's trying to get back in favor; Michael tells him to shut up mid-compliment: 'Shhh, shut it. That's...' Then in talking head: 'Suck up.'

Andy · Jim:Andy approaches Jim and opens with: 'Jim Halpert. I am so horny.'

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'Okay, I can't help you with that.' Andy: 'Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna.'

Andy:Andy describes Kelly: 'Tell me about that Indian chick Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.'

Jim · Andy:Jim on Kelly: 'She is dating Ryan, I think.' Andy: 'Oh, and I care why?' Jim: 'She's high maintenance.' Andy: 'Next.'

Jim · Andy:Jim suggests the camera operator's girlfriend: audience sees Jim gesture toward the camera; Andy says 'Blondes are more fun. Come on, trust me on that.' Jim: 'That would be fun for no one.'

Jim · Andy:Andy asks about Pam; Jim's camera look, then: 'Absolutely you should.' Jim is clearly sending Andy into disaster.

Jim · Dwight · Andy:Jim tells Andy Martin was in prison; Andy's reaction shot — a beat of silence followed by 'No, Dwight. Be cool, be cool.'

Jim · Andy:Jim's advice to Andy on Pam: 'She loves pranks.' / 'Frisbee-based competitions. Are you kidding? I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell where I went to college. I live to frolf.'

Andy:Jim: 'Are you kidding? I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell where I went to college. I live to frolf.'

Andy · Pam:Andy's approach to Pam: 'Listen, you're cute. There's no getting around it. So I don't know if I like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to the fields, crank up some tunes. Smoke a few Macanudos. Maybe even toss a disc around.'

Andy · Pam:Andy speaks pig Latin to Pam: 'Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?' Pam is silent. Andy: 'Think about it. I'll hit you back.'

Andy:Andy's 'Bros before hoes' speech, escalating to 'then suddenly, she's not your ho no mo'.'

Michael · Andy:Michael conflates the barista who didn't recognize him (after buying her lattes for a year) with Carol

Andy:It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I'm here for Michael?

Andy:One part eggnog. Three parts sake! / Some places won't make it for you, though, because eggnog is seasonal.

Andy:Andy: 'You should put out salt for the rims.' Waitress: 'That's a great idea.'

Michael · Andy:Nothing he's doing is cheering me up. / Wait for the onion. Trust me.

Andy · Michael:Andy points out Michael made the waitress laugh. 'Yes! She totally digs us.'

Michael · Andy:Onion volcano appears. Michael: 'Huh? Huh?' Andy: 'What did I tell you?' Michael: 'You're right. That's good.'

Michael · Andy:The waitress Cindy appears to fall asleep mid-dream-house description — narcolepsy diagnosis

Andy · Creed:Andy to Creed (who is preoccupied): 'Hey, look when you get done with your... meeting, you should come to the break room.' Creed: '...All right? See you later.'

Michael · Andy:Michael and Andy covertly discussing the waitresses: 'They have been checking us out all night.'

Michael · Andy:Michael invites the waitresses to the Christmas party: 'Because you have had such a rough day, you get Cindy. Oh, you are such a mensch, my friend.'

Michael · Andy · Jim:Michael can't identify which waitress is his girlfriend — 'It's one of those two.' / 'You don't know?' / 'Dude, you should know.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Five of us transferred from Stamford. There's two of us left... It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what. I'm not falling in a chocolate river.'

Andy · Michael:Andy's elaborate pause before choosing Michael as his sales call partner — 'Oh, I don't know... Michael Scott.'

Andy · Michael:Andy sycophantically picks Michael first, calling him 'PhD. Doctor of sales.' Michael responds with layers of mutual complimenting that spirals into absurdity.

Dwight · Michael · Andy:Dwight arrives with his car. Andy comments on shirts on hangers in the back seat. Michael asks 'He does your laundry?' Dwight says 'Long story.'

Andy · Michael:Michael explains the Dwight laundry situation. Andy responds: 'Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting.'

Andy:Andy offers his services as Michael's laundry folder: 'I used to work at Abercrombie. So... pretty good folder.'

Michael · Andy:Michael and Andy drive into a beauty salon. Andy asks to take the lead on the pitch. Michael: 'Mind? Nothing would delight me more.'

Andy:Andy to Michael in the car: 'It's like everyone has their own special skill. You know, just like the Super Friends. Except for Dwight, who's kind of more of a super dud.'

Andy:Andy: 'He'd be a Super Friend, if there was a Super Friend whose super power was always being late. You know? Hawkman.'

Andy:Andy casually claims to have 'caught an 80-pound shark off Montauk' with 'a rifle from the crow's nest' of his dad's '42-foot Bayliner.'

Michael · Andy:Andy undersells Dunder-Mifflin as 'just two rooms and a warehouse.' Michael interrupts to correct him: 'We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.'

Andy:Andy tells Michael he 'really Schruted it' and explains: 'It's just this thing people say around your office all the time. Like when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you Schruted it. I don't know where it comes from, though.'

Andy · Michael:Andy shows Michael a toll booth receipt from New York City as 'evidence' against Dwight. Michael: 'Why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone?'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's name on the corporate security sign-in sheet: where it asks you to 'state your business,' Dwight wrote 'Beeswax Not Yours, Inc.'

Andy:Andy's final talking head: 'Am I happy about the way things turned out? Well, happy's such an ugly word... But I saw what needed to be done, and I did it. And now I'm thrilled. So it's pretty... Hello? Pretty good.'

Andy:Andy has recorded all four parts of 'Rockin' Robin' himself on his computer and set it as his ringtone

Andy:Andy: 'I called it myself. Just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.'

Andy · Jim:Andy: 'I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you. I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you are younger and have less experience.'

Andy:Andy's toast: 'Andy and the Tuna.'

Andy:Andy's forced casual conversation with Jim: 'TGI Wednesday. Am I right?'

Andy:Andy's itinerary: 'Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on.'

Andy · Jim:Andy invites Jim to hang out; Jim gives a non-committal 'maybe'; Andy: 'I'll take that as a maybe.'

Andy · Jim:Andy follows Jim to the bathroom by announcing he's going to the kitchen and offering to 'walk with' him

Andy:Andy confessional: 'Things are going pretty good. Getting a lot of face time with the boss.'

Andy · Angela:Andy tries to join the party planning committee; Angela: 'Never.'

Andy:Andy's response to a sales win: 'Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.'

Andy:Andy: 'I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Got my rod here.'

Andy · Jim · Pam:Andy realizes his cell phone is missing and searches desperately while Jim and Pam play innocent

Andy:Andy: 'Large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device?'

Andy · Jim:The phone is heard ringing from inside the ceiling; Andy: 'Maybe it's in the ceiling.' Jim: 'You know what? Maybe YOU'RE in the ceiling.'

Andy · Phyllis:Andy accuses Phyllis: 'I don't trust you, Phyllis.'

Michael · Andy:Michael's Saturday plan monologue: 'you, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell/Hofstra, slaughter. Then quick nap at my place, and we hit the tiz-own.'

Andy:Andy, after being told to stop, retreats with: 'Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.'

Andy:Andy's overwrought speech about the phone prank: 'Here's a little newsflash. It's not funny. In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny.'

Andy:Andy's confessional after his office speech: 'That was an overreaction.'

Andy:Andy's callback: 'It's not freaking funny.' — echoing his earlier speech, now that someone else is getting pranked

Andy:Andy recounts the Roy fight with breathless excitement: 'All of a sudden — bam! Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell... on time. Now I'm back, got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. So look out, Dunder-Mifflin!'

Andy · Office Staff:Andy walks back into the office saying 'Hey, guys! Guess who's back?' — multiple people scream and recoil in fear

Pam · Andy:Pam greets Andy as 'Andy'; he corrects her with 'Drew'; she apologizes; he says 'Apology not accepted... because it wasn't even necessary in the first place.'

Andy:Andy's talking-head confessional: 'I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.'

Jim · Andy:Jim refuses to call Andy 'Drew': 'No, I'm not gonna call you that.' Andy: 'Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.'

Jim · Andy · Dwight:Jim passes along false messages: 'Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.' / 'Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's shunning negotiation with Andy: 'I'm temporarily lifting the shun.' / Andy: 'Thank you.' / Dwight: 'It means nothing.' then 'Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.' for the drawbridge question.

Dwight · Oscar · Andy:Dwight summons the warehouse: 'Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.' Oscar: 'Whoa, what's the situation?' Dwight: 'Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.'

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'Beer me.' Andy: 'What's that?' Jim: 'Hand me that water. I always say beer me. Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.'

Andy · Jim:So how's what's-her-name? / You know her name. / Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends.

Andy:Andy's forced small talk with Jim: 'How's the apartment hanging? / Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right?'

Jim · Andy:Jim's girlfriend's mix tape plays — we don't hear what it is but Andy says 'I was thinking more like a CD or... a CD?' suggesting it was something profoundly awkward

Andy:My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.

Andy · Jim:Andy tries to figure out which student is his girlfriend — 'Oh, is she that teacher in the white?' Jim: 'No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.'

Andy · Jamie:Andy runs into his girlfriend at the high school and realizes she's a student: 'You never told me you're in high school.' / 'This is weird. I gotta go to Spanish.'

Andy · Jamie:Andy's girlfriend is revealed to be a high school student: Jamie saying 'Yeah' and 'I gotta go to Spanish'

Andy:'We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.'

Andy · Jim:Andy staring after the boy at Jamie's locker: 'Who was that guy?' Jim: 'Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony.'

Andy:'One of your students is a bitch.' — Andy blurting this at the principal/teacher during the meeting

Principal · Andy:The issue with the watermark is very serious. / You don't teach it well enough. / One of your students is a bitch.

Andy:Andy: 'That's not what I had in mind.' — in response to Jim suggesting 'Good luck' for the yearbook ad

Andy:I think he had Tourette's or something. (Andy, after his outburst, explaining himself to Jim)

Andy · Michael:Andy: 'Then the fashion models could come here and work with me.' Michael: 'What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.' Andy: 'Yes.' Michael: 'Thank you.'

Andy · Jim:Andy in the women's bathroom: 'Hey, Jim. You want to go in the women's bathroom? No? Yeah, but it's every guy's fantasy.' Jim: 'I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Aye, aye, Captain.' Andy: 'More like, aye, aye, General.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Think we'll find him?' Andy: 'Yeah, I do. Because justice never rests.' Dwight: 'Halvsies?' Andy: 'No. Wholesies.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy: 'You're not a total ass.' — Dwight's talking head reaction after Andy compliments him

Michael · Andy:Andy's hot dog count: initially declared 14, then 'One came up. 13 hot dogs, everybody.' Andy: 'Damn it!'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight explains 'Sabotage' to Andy — 'the ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team' — while having clearly been saying 'sabotage' to miscommunicate

Andy · Angela:Andy, floating away on a sumo suit in the lake, screaming for help while Angela watches passively

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'What does a great manager need most of all?' Employee (straight answer): 'Courage.' Michael: 'I mean, sure thing, that sounds smart.'

Andy:Andy, stranded and adrift, announces himself through the phone: 'My name is Andrew Bernard. I was with a group called Dunder-Mifflin.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin greets Andy after his haircut: 'What's different about you? You look worse.'

Kevin · Andy:Kevin tells Andy his haircut is 'sexy, hot' and demands Andy turn around to see the back, which Andy refuses

Andy · Jim:Andy renames Jim 'Big Haircut,' insisting on using it relentlessly: 'What is it, Big Haircut?' / 'Sorry, I can't hear you, Big Haircut'

Andy:Andy announces himself in the interview: 'Andrew Bernard. Saving the best for first.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's interview questions: 'What is the best color?' / 'White, because it contains all other colors.' / 'Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'How do you make a table?' / Andy: 'You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.' / Dwight: 'What is the capital of Maine?' / Andy: 'The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.'

Andy:Andy after being told to stop mentioning Cornell: 'Should not be a problem. I minored in history at the Ivy League school which I attended.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Time! No, you failed.' / Andy: 'Damn it!' / 'This interview is over. I'll let you know.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight immediately makes Andy his number two; Andy immediately accepts; Dwight: 'As if you had a choice.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Three months ago I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad.'

Dwight · Andy · Stanley:Stanley's answer causes class to collapse: Dwight cancels class as 'punishment', Andy tries to save it, Dwight and Andy bicker while students flee

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Michael returns to find his office is black: 'Why is my office black?' / 'To intimidate my subordinates.' / 'That's stupid. It was Andy's idea. You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management. Good thing I'm back.'

Dwight · Kevin · Andy:Dwight, Kevin, and Andy pile on Michael with increasingly absurd theories for why he hit Meredith: 'Was she talking back? Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?'

Michael · Andy:Andy greets Michael with 'My lord, my liege!' before Michael delivers a talking head comparing himself to 'top dog in a fairly large pond' versus Ryan as 'a little fish in a big pond.'

Andy · Kevin · Phyllis:Tuna! Awesome! I knew it. To the two of you.

Andy:Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best-looking single guy in the office?

Andy:You should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together.

Ryan · Andy:Next night, I'm out at a bar, 2:00 a.m. I figure I'll get a sandwich, 'cause you can get a sandwich any time of the night. I run into Vince Vaughn. / No way. / Literally. / Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do.

Andy · Jim:Jim, how awesome is Ryan now? / Yeah. He's definitely something. / What does that mean? / That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing? / ...He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like.

Andy:Tuna, check you later. 'Cause he's so money that he doesn't even know it.

Andy · Pam:Pam talking to Andy about setting him up: 'Hey, do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.' Pam: 'I'll get back to you. Let me know.'

Michael · Andy:Michael asks Andy about Angela as a potential romantic target, spelling out 'W-O-M-A-N' to clarify he means romantically; Andy says he hadn't noticed she's a woman

Michael · Andy:Michael suggests Andy date Kelly since 'she works here too'; Andy says that's different because 'she works in the annex.' Michael: 'You're also welcome to date Toby.'

Andy · Angela:Andy to Angela while she works: 'You looking for dinner and a movie? You're not gonna find it in that box. It just so happens I know where you can find it, but again... Not in the box.'

Andy:Andy to Michael: 'They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy notices Dwight staring at Angela and confronts him: 'Why are you looking at her like that? Hey!'

Andy · Angela:Andy scratches Angela's upper back for her — she hasn't asked for this; she reacts with 'I didn't ask you to scratch it' — Andy explains his feelings; Angela: 'I'm not dating you.'

Andy:Andy's talking head about pursuing Angela: 'So Angela is stubborn as a mule... She's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested... But do I like her or not? Because if I like her, then I can't back down.'

Andy · Angela:Andy serenades Angela with ABBA's 'Take a Chance on Me' — performed sincerely, with full commitment — ending with: 'That's all I ask of you, Angela.'

Andy · Angela:Angela and Michael compete over the car; Andy: 'Why don't you just pretend that you have a car? Good practice in case you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car.'

Andy:Andy moonwalks past accounting 10 times trying to get Angela's attention: 'I have moonwalked past accounting like 10 times.'

Andy · Pam:Andy: 'She's very religious.' Andy: 'Okay, well, I come from a line of WASPs so long it leads back to Moses.'

Andy · Pam:Andy: 'Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.' Pam: 'That's right. You did.'

Andy:Andy leaves a cat outside Angela's door: 'I left a little present for Angela... I found it outside Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together.' Beat. 'I got game.'

Andy:Andy starts singing 'Break me off a piece of that...' and completely blanks on the Kit Kat jingle

Andy:'Break me off a piece of that... applesauce'

Andy:'Break me off a piece of that... Chrysler car'

Andy · Michael:'Break me off a piece of that... football cream.' 'Okay. It's football cream.'

Michael · Andy:Michael introduces Andy as 'Andrew Bernard, the Nard Dog' to the ad professionals

Andy:'Who let the Nard dog out?' Andy says to the ad guys

Michael · Andy:Michael tells the ad guys Andy 'gives the best back rubs in the office' and Andy enthusiastically confirms

Andy:'You just got Nard-dogged!'

Andy:Andy confessional: 'I've been making out with Angela lately. We've been necking. But only necking. Right? Not actually kissing our mouths. Just neck on neck. It's just like rubbing/nuzzling our necks together.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy: 'That's not different enough.' Dwight: 'Dwike?'

Andy:'News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation F'allen Angel.' 'Remind me to tell you later.'

Andy:Andy's Kit Kat guesses continue: 'lumber tar,' 'Snickers bar,' 'Grey Poupon'

Andy:Andy's Andy/Angela update: describes neck-on-neck nuzzling escalating to ear lobe kissing, Angela not kissing back but closing her eyes and saying 'Oh, D. Oh, D.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'She called you D?' Andy: 'Yeah. D for Andy.' Dwight's reaction beat as he processes that 'D' likely means 'Dwight'

Andy · Dwight:Andy re-enacting 'Oh, D! Oh, D!' with increasing enthusiasm while Dwight must sit silently

Andy · Pam · Oscar · Toby:Finer Things Club discusses 'A Room with a View' while Andy lurks outside trying to look like he's casually reading the same book.

Andy:'Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious.'

Andy:Andy (talking head): 'The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my backup, and Kevin's band is my safety.'

Andy:Andy (joining Finer Things Club to discuss Angela's Ashes): 'Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I.'

Andy · Oscar:Oscar asks if Andy really liked Angela's Ashes. Andy: 'No, I mean I really liked it. I thought it was a fun read.'

Oscar · Toby · Andy:Quiz: 'Did you even read it?' / 'How does it end?' / 'Who was the main character?' — Andy's answer: 'Angela. Nope. The ashes.'

Andy · Jim:Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale. / Not your birthday. / Well, I'm just saying, if you want to make people happy, namely me...

Andy · Angela:Andy brings a single flower for the group and gives one to Angela: 'Except for one flower, which is for my flower.'

Jim · Pam · Angela · Andy:Beat after 'oaky afterbirth' — guests' silent, horrified reaction

Dwight · Andy:Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. / So... / Behold our bachelorette. / Give her a 10 for her looks, and a three for her ability to describe herself.

Andy:Andy introduces himself at the Five Families meeting: 'Andrew Bernard is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.'

Andy:Andrew Bernard is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.

Andy:Some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort, and...

Andy:After Stacy left, things did not go well for a while. And it was hard to see... / It's just nice to win one.

Andy · Kevin:We did it! I did it. / We got our spaces back. / Nice job. / Nice. Yeah. / There it is. You're welcome.

Andy:Did I do this for me? No. I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-Pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400-a-month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders, 'How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?' That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

Michael · Andy:Michael inviting Andy to New York, then immediately disinviting him because he's not single, then citing 'Curse of Three'

Andy · Angela:Andy: "Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately, if you know what I'm saying." Angela is standing right there.

Andy · Phyllis:Andy shows the office his new back tattoo — Phyllis immediately says she considered a back tattoo too

Andy:Andy's tattoo is 'Back to the Future' — 'Back' because it's on his back; 'Future' because he's the kind of guy who likes to look ahead

Andy:Andy's tattoo artist has never heard of Back to the Future — Andy tells her to take a film education course

Andy · Dwight · Office workers:Mad Libs scene: 'The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. Sit down, Mister Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?'

Andy · Jim:Andy suggests changing the voicemail message to have 'more zing and pep'; Jim immediately one-ups with 'even newer voicemail message with even more zing and pep'

Andy:Andy confessional about the Xterra: 'You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight, and look over and there's an Xterra next to you. They're always driven by chicks, so there's your icebreaker.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's brutal car evaluation: 'Scratch.' / 'That's a racing stripe.' / 'Bumper's sagging.' / 'I doubt that very much.' / 'This car is crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's countdown pressure close: 'Three, two, one... / Five, four, three, two... / Say it. Do it. Now. Now. Now.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy realizes Dwight is reselling his car for profit: 'You're flipping my car for profit.' / Dwight: 'Seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.'

Andy:Andy: 'My grandfather would be spinning in his urn if he knew I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now or I will take it off for you, sir. I am totally and completely kidding!'

Andy:Andy: 'Hit about twelve hundred balls last night in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. It's actually not funny at all. It's incredibly painful.'

Andy:Andy confessional: 'People assume I'm great at golf, but like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid, so I used to just hang out with the sailing club instead. Got my knot on.'

Andy:Andy tries a shortcut on the golf course and apparently falls into a sand trap or worse: 'Shortcut, shortcut.' then a scream

Andy:Andy's deadpan report: 'I fell in the sand trap.'

Andy · Jim · Phil:Jim's final accounting: 'Okay, Jim, you owe me $120. And, Phil, you owe me $230.' Andy has beaten both of them at golf.

Jim · Andy · Phil:Phil: 'Let's open a tab, because you and me are going to be playing more often.' Andy: 'Count me in.' Jim: 'Nope.'

Jim · Andy:Jim and Andy doing a mutual porn music impression: '(BOTH IMITATING PORN MUSIC)'

Andy · Phyllis:Andy reveals he's going to propose to Angela tonight; Phyllis's reaction is 'Holy crap!'

Andy · Angela:Andy proposes to Angela with his parents present ('Andrew and Ellen Bernard, thank you for sharing this joyous moment'), full PA announcement, then asks her to 'join me onstage'; she doesn't move; he says 'Okay then I will come to you, my flower.' She says 'okay' into the mic barely audibly.

Andy:Andy: 'Damn it!' — trips or stumbles going toward Angela to propose

Andy · Angela:Andy's proposal: 'Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right.'

Kelly · Andy:Kelly runs up to Andy: 'Can I be your bridesmaid?' Andy: 'No.'

Andy · Jim:Andy to Jim: 'Tuna! I'm engaged!' Jim: 'I know. That's awesome, man. That's great.' Andy: 'Mr. Andrew Bernard. It's got a nice ring to it.'

Andy · Jim:Andy bursts out: 'Did you see Holly's butt?' Jim: 'No, I didn't. You know why? Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.'

Jim · Andy:Jim lists Holly's qualities: broke her left leg twice in one year, allergic to sesame seeds, read Lonesome Dove three times — then: 'And that her butt refuses to quit.'

Andy · Jim:'That's insane. I thought you had to pee.' — reaction to Jim apparently deciding to wait rather than use the bathroom (following Michael's no-bathroom rule)

Andy:Andy serenades Angela to the tune of 'Umbrella' by Rihanna: 'Ang...ela / Ela, ela, ela / Under my Angerela / Ela, ela, eh, eh'

Andy:Andy pitches The Breakers, Newport, RI as a wedding venue: 'My dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.'

Andy:Andy talking-head: 'Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.'

Andy · Angela:Andy's four non-refundable wedding deposits: 'Hot air balloons over Napa Valley, world famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba diving wedding in the Bahamas, and Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.' Angela's reaction: 'Dangerous, tacky, sharks, haunted. No.'

Andy:Andy talking-head about his sleep routine: 'I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book and it's lights-out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night.'

Michael · Andy · Kevin:'Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?' / 'Shotgun weddings.' / 'That's not what that is.' / 'Fright. Being scared to death.'

Michael · Andy · Kevin · Meredith:Michael puts Kelly on a chair so the office can name her beautiful features. Andy: 'Hell of an ass.' Kevin: 'I wonder what people like about me.' / Meredith: 'Probably my jugs.'

Andy · Pam:Andy talks-head about his nephew's tee ball game: 'Tonight is my nephew's tee ball game and I kind of missed the first three, so...' Pam: 'You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you.' Andy: 'I know. I suck.' Pam: 'Yes, you do.'

Andy · Office:The office turns on fans and heaters and runs in place to sweat out weight before the final weigh-in. Andy talking-head: 'Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they're unfair.'

Andy · Angela:Angela's first dance demand: 'The Little Drummer Boy.' Andy agrees immediately and reveals his a cappella group 'Here Comes Treble, class of '96' has been booked, will be the wedding band AND collectively his best man, and are crashing with them for three weeks.

Andy:Andy lists Here Comes Treble members: 'Carl I, Carl II, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunchbox. Boner Champ, that's me, Pubey Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich.'

Andy:Andy sings a parody of 'Let's Get Physical' — 'Let's get ethical, ethical / I wanna get ethical'

Andy:Andy: 'Yeah, I took intro to philosophy twice — no big deal.'

Jim · Andy:Jim tests Andy's Battlestar Galactica knowledge — Andy says it's 'really so-so' despite clearly not having seen it

Michael · Andy:Michael asks Andy, 'Would you like to have my baby?' and Andy immediately says 'Yes!' before Michael shuts it down

Andy:Andy shows off the baby photo guessing game — 'Who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?'

Andy · Phyllis:Baby photo game: Andy identifies a baby photo as two babies who would grow up to marry each other, then discovers one is Phyllis

Andy · Phyllis:The baby photo turns out to be Phyllis. Andy: 'I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy tells Dwight 'Take that sweatshirt off' as if it's a joke, then immediately is revealed to be serious

Dwight · Phyllis · Andy:Dwight says 'if someone who barely outsells Phyllis can get in, then I should be fine'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight claims Cornell's agricultural program is responsible for modern cabbage: 'Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage, at least not modern cabbage.'

Andy · Dwight:Dwight says 'Stop saying we' — he keeps referring to Cornell as 'we' despite not being an alumnus or even an applicant yet

Unknown Employee · Andy:'It's pronounced Colonel. It's the highest rank in the military.' / 'It's pronounced Cornell. It's the highest rank in the Ivy League.'

Andy · Unknown female coworker:Kevin or Meredith says they once dated guys from Cornell who 'gave them a ride home'; Andy says 'I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you'

Andy:'That's Big Red Bear. That's a bobble Big Red Bear. God!'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight interrupts a tense Andy moment with: 'Andy, I've been meaning to ask you. Which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs? Or the Do-Re-Migos?'

Andy:Dwight's talking-head on Andy's Cornell interview: 'If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's role models in the Cornell interview: 'Dane Cook, Jack Bauer and Eli Whitney.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy announces the time of the interview in archaic English: 'When the hour glass strikes 3:00, then in the room whence employees confer.' / Dwight: 'What?' / Andy: 'The conference room.'

Andy · Dwight:Cornell interview: Dwight answers Cornell history question incorrectly; Andy misidentifies the answer himself in correcting Dwight

Dwight · Andy:Dwight and Andy's mutual interview evaluation escalation: 'Comprehension skills subpar' / 'Interviewing skills subpar' / 'Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer' / 'Interviewer has suspect motives' / 'Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid.'

Andy · Dwight:'You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?' / 'Cornell.' — Dwight eats a raw beet and says only 'Cornell' in response

Dwight · Andy:Andy: 'I see what you are doing, but I do not know where you are going with this.' / Dwight: 'Well, you will as soon as you visit my new beet farm.'

Andy · Jim:Andy barges in to gloat about his good scores, calls Jim 'Tommy Tuna', uses Jim's mug without asking

Andy · Jim:The mug standoff: Andy drinks from Jim's mug (which has Jim's face on it), won't give it back, Jim says 'It has my face on it' / Andy: 'Make the face.'

Andy · Michael:You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. / No, I don't want to wear a bra. / Let me help you. / Stop it. Stop it!

Andy:I'm just bidding a bon voyage à la mon petit fiancé. Translation: Good-bye, my petite fiancée.

Michael · Andy:Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid. / Yeah, baby! That's what I'm talkin' about.

Andy · Michael:Harry and the Hendersons. / Shh! Keep it down.

Andy · Oscar:It's just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time. / How could anyone stand that woman?

Andy:I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she's working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I've ever seen and I can't wait to have sex with her.

Oscar · Andy · Oscar · Andy:You haven't had sex? / No. / Y— Are you guys waiting to get married, or? / Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for.

Angela · Andy · Angela · Andy:What is wrong with you? / Why won't you do Andy? / What? / That's Oscar, and he wants to know why you won't do me, and I think it's a valid question.

Angela · Andy:Are you drunk? / This is Andy Bernard.

Andy:I wanna take you to sex school.

Andy:I want to see you naked.

Oscar · Michael · Andy · Oscar · Michael · Andy · Michael · Andy · Andy:I can't believe we called her up. / Totally. / What — Who? / I'm talking about Angela. / I can't believe we called her up last night. / We called Angela? / You — You call — You called her. / That was real?! / I thought I dreamed that.

Michael · Oscar · Michael · Oscar · Andy:She is so pissed. / Mmm. / She's taking us back to first base. / What's first base with Angela? / I get to kiss her forehead.

Andy · Dwight:You're in for a spanking, my friend. / Myself and my lady — no secrets.

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's wedding venue directions include '156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left. Walk until you hear the bee hive.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight's solution to having only one bathroom: 'We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy: 'Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.' Dwight: 'We're going to put out stumps.'

Andy:Andy's confessional: 'I have looked at 12 venues, I have lost eight deposits and I've seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy negotiates with Dwight to slaughter the entrées the day before the wedding, treating it as a reasonable compromise.

Dwight · Andy:Dwight steps in something off-camera. 'Darn!' 'There's a hose out back.'

Dwight · Angela · Andy:The mock ceremony: Andy is unknowingly signing the actual marriage certificate while Dwight presents the twine ring exchange as a 'rehearsal'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Hey, Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you.' — to Andy, showing him a tuna sandwich.

Andy:Andy begins singing 'There's a Place in France' at the Christmas party

Andy:Andy's Christmas carol serenade to Angela at the party — 'Deck the Halls' performed with full sincere commitment as a romantic gesture — 'roo da da da doo / ra doo doo doo doo doo'

Andy:Andy, left alone after the room empties: 'Ooh. Tough room. Come on, I just learned it. Just so you know, protocol is a little round of applause.'

Andy:Andy formally addresses the whole office about the elephant in the room — that no one has RSVPd to his wedding — completely unaware that the ACTUAL elephant is that his fiancée is cheating on him

Andy · Jim · Pam · Oscar · Kevin:The entire office awkwardly tries to stop Andy from finishing his sentences about the affair situation — a cacophony of interruptions and avoidance

Andy · Pam:Pam: 'I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.' [Andy, referring to seat position to see Pam better, mid-wedding planning conversation]

Michael · Andy:Michael's extended, meandering attempt to tell Andy about the affair — 'these things... that are bad things that you hear... in your ears' — before completely chickening out

Andy · Michael:Andy: 'Kick Wallace's ass.' Michael: 'Okay, I will.'

Michael · Andy:Michael tells Andy about the affair through a car window, and Andy can't hear him through the glass. Michael repeats it louder. Andy just says 'What? All right. See you later.'

Andy:Andy: 'Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married?' — using wedding flower logic as proof of Angela's commitment

Andy:Andy's horrified reaction beat to 'a little bit' — the silence before he asks 'how long has it been going on?'

Angela · Andy:Angela: 'I love you.' Andy: 'Why should I believe that?' Angela: 'Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying, that we're not good together -- ' Andy: 'Who says that?'

Andy · Kevin:Andy addresses the office: 'I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying to my face.' Kevin: 'You are welcome.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight and Andy's confrontation: 'she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me' / 'Angela Bernard will never be her name' / 'It will be her name, and you will have to call her that'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight and Andy each announce they'll 'take their break at 4:00 in the parking lot' as if coincidentally scheduling the same break time

Andy · Dwight:Andy's formal written note: 'Dear Dwight, By now you have received my note. How are you? I am well.'

Andy:Andy's note continues: 'The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly.'

Andy · Dwight · Jim · Pam:The Prius scene: Andy slowly rolling toward Dwight in a silent electric car; Dwight reading the note, back turned; office workers whispering 'The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight and Andy fighting while Dwight is pinned against the car: 'Get out and face me like a man!' 'I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiancée!'

Andy:Andy: 'All you do is dress fancy and sing! La la la la la la la!'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'You can't even protect her! Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton? Last year, idiot!'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Trust fund'll take care of that.' / Andy: 'What did you say?' — Dwight taunting Andy with his wealth

Jim · Dwight · Andy:Jim: 'Are your legs broken?' Dwight: 'No, my right one's falling asleep a little bit.' Andy: 'Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this.'

Dwight · Jim · Andy:Dwight: 'Back off. This isn't your fight.' Jim: 'Oh, how much is this gonna cost?' 'Trust fund'll take care of that.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy: 'You're like a sasquatch. You live in the woods.' Dwight: 'Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a sasquatch.'

Dwight · Andy:The revelation: Dwight realizes Angela has only been sleeping with him twice; Andy realizes she told him she was 'only sleeping with me'; both discover she's been managing both affairs simultaneously

Andy:Andy calling to cancel his sailboat-shaped wedding cake: reading out his name letter by letter — 'B-E-R-N-A-R-D... Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat.'

Andy:Andy's(?) facial symmetry/koinophilia argument: 'The obvious symmetry of the face. It's the natural appeal of the scientific standard of koinophilia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she's attractive, but she is not hot.'

Andy:Andy enters with a wheelchair for Stanley: 'A throne for your highness.' — doing a British accent.

Michael · Andy · employees:The entire office joins in singing 'Stayin' Alive' during CPR chest compressions, turning the training into a group performance.

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.'

Andy:Andy performs an original song roast of Michael to the tune of 'What I Like About You': 'Stanley tried to die just to get away.'

Jim · Andy:Andy sees an attractive woman at Utica: 'She's out of your league, Andy.' Andy: 'For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.' Jim: 'Sexually?'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.'

Andy:Andy trying to learn about Julia's music taste by looking at her CDs: 'Trying to see what CDs she's got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing.'

Andy:Andy looks at Julia's CD collection and reacts: 'Feist. Yes!' Then immediately: 'No! Oh my god. Oh no. That is so awful. That is the worst news.'

Andy · Stanley:Andy sings about the Splenda: counting them to a made-up tune, then revealing he only put two in: 'I actually only put in two. But that's not how the song goes.'

Andy · Stanley:Stanley's double: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' Andy echoes: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' — Andy mirrors Stanley's outrage back at him.

Andy · Stanley:Stanley: 'Four Splenda, are you crazy?' Andy: 'Well, no, I actually only put in two.' Stanley: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' Andy: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' (mirroring Stanley back)

Stanley · Andy:Stanley, furious about Andy's interruption: 'You bring an angel like that into this office and you don't even set me up with her.' Andy: 'We're not friends. I didn't think about it.' Stanley: 'We are friends, Stanley. We are friends. And you let me down.'

Stanley · Andy · Jim:Jim and Dwight planning Andy's romantic approach to Julia. Stanley advises: 'No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.'

Andy · Julia:Andy asks Julia: 'How does your boyfriend deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you or?' Julia: 'Actually, I don't have a boyfriend.' Andy: 'Really? Is that— Wow, that's so weird.'

Andy · Stanley:Andy asks: 'Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?' — referencing Stanley, not Jim, while Andy looks at Stanley for validation.

Andy · Michael:Andy, after apparently kissing Julia without permission: 'Wait, what?' Followed by Michael's review: 'I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen — kind of mean.'

Andy · Julia:Andy walks Julia to her car and she mentions she's cold. Andy: 'Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?' Julia: 'Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.'

Andy · Julia:Andy invokes 'the Nard-Dog guarantee' to impress Julia. Julia: 'What's a "Nard-Dog"?' Andy: 'This is the Nard-Dog.' (gesturing to himself)

Andy · Julia:Andy kisses Julia without warning. Julia: 'What the hell?' Andy: 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I — I thought we had this energy, and I'm a mess, and I just had my heart broken...'

Andy · Julia:Andy impulsively kisses Julia. Julia: 'What the hell?' Andy: 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I thought we had this energy, and I'm a mess, and I just had my heart broken, and you came in today and you're so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.'

Andy · Julia:Julia says she also just got out of a relationship. Andy: 'Yeah — RIGHT?!' and immediately suggests going to a mall: 'Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall or something, just walk around?'

Andy:Andy trails off: 'Sorry I tried to kiss y—' Then talking head cut to: 'We lost the account.'

Andy:Andy: You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'

Andy:He wants to be more than just friends. Put your heart out there, it's liable to just turn into this blackened, carbon brick, where it has barbeque sauce of shame and rage.

Andy:And two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that. — Andy (looking at Jim and Pam)

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Andy:Michael pitches his paper company to the salespeople with theatrical seriousness: 'It's going to be worldwide.'

Michael · Andy:Michael pitches Andy and an unnamed colleague — everyone responds with vague, non-committal enthusiasm ('Lots of potential. Yes. What a courageous venture.')

Andy:'The whole office feels darker. You know? It's just a sad, dark day.'

Jim · Andy:'Andy, he's gone. You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.'

Kevin · Jim · Andy:Kevin wrote the transfer procedure on his hand but then washed it off.

Kevin · Jim · Andy:The transfer coaching sequence: Jim, Andy, and Kevin practice the three-step transfer in real time while a live caller waits — 'It is 1:34. Kev. Kev, come on. Hustle. You are murdering the Nard Dog.'

Andy:Andy answers the phone: 'Andy Bernard.' Caller: 'My maid died.'

Andy · Unknown Colleague:You should come into town this weekend, man. Hang out Scranton style. / Hey, you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend. / Please don't listen to my phone calls.

Andy:She'd probably be a six in New York, but she's like a seven here in Scranton.

Andy:Then the boss is my old boss from Dunder Mifflin.

Dwight · Andy:I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin [flushed] and I'm assuming a little bit of blood rushed in... Well, a little bit of blood rushed into me as well.

Dwight · Andy:The last thing I wanna do is step on your funk, man. / And I yours. So I will cede her to you.

Andy:That was great, but it's still a little choppy. Don't worry, it's hard. I mean, it took me a while too.

Andy:It's really technically proficient, but you sort of put no soul in it.

Andy · Dwight:Hey, you want to sing with me? [launches into Take Me Home, Country Roads] In German!

Andy · Dwight:Literally, every song is better a cappella. Name a song. / Cherry Pie. Warrant. / Better a cappella. / No. / Really?

Andy:Did you even hear the music I just played for you? What's wrong with you?

Andy:When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.

Andy:I know a few things about love — horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Andy:"Noishe." ...I just don't know if I can do it.

Andy:Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?

Jim · Andy:I'm pretty emotionally needy. And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants.

Andy · Michael:When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back. Well, so what? Your body's a ten.

Andy:Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody. Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed.

Kevin · Andy:Andy, I think Jim is messing with you. Oh, really? Okay.

Andy:Oh man. He got me so good.

Andy:Andy's talking head after: 'Oh, man. He got me so good.' / [cut] 'I learned something about myself today.'

Andy:I wish this was a sofa, 'cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.

Andy · Oscar:Andy offers to loan Oscar socks he was going to wear to volleyball practice

Dwight · Andy:Andy's plan to embed a secret code in the memo — but Andy has already reorganized all his files in reverse alphabetical order before realizing it's a hidden message

Andy:'It is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.'

Dwight · Andy · Stanley · Jim:Warehouse mutiny planning: suggestion escalates from 'coup' to 'taking Ryan hostage' to 'strongly worded letter' to 'strongly painted picture'

Michael · Stanley · Ryan · Pam · Andy · Dwight:Michael cross-examines the salespeople about their lunch — Stanley's detailed salmon salad order — then uses it to steal their lunches

Michael · Ryan · Dwight · Andy:Michael and Ryan eating stolen office lunches — including Dwight's pony meat sandwich

Michael · Dwight · Stanley · Andy:Michael's response to the threat of a salesperson walkout: 'I love it! I love this idea, and I fully support you. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give you some seed money.'

Andy:You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you.

Andy · his fiancée:This is so cheesy. Yes. I like cheesy. Me, too.

Andy's fiancée · Andy:You know, I think maybe I want a wedding wedding. Me, too. Really? Yeah.

Andy · Dwight:Are you sure that's not the gay ear? Gay ear? Are you 12 years old?

Andy · Dwight:Son of a bitch! Andy, that was just the ice. It was? Yeah, it was.

Andy · other players:Andy injures himself during volleyball: 'Ow, my ankle!' / 'What happened?' / 'I twisted it.' / 'You weren't even moving.'

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Michael, Dwight, and Andy shouting 'Parkour!' while running through the office parking lot like children

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Visual gag: The parkour sequence continues with Michael calling for 'Truck to refrigerators to dumpster, 360 spin onto the palettes, back flip, gainer into the trashcan' — an absurdly elaborate plan none of them can execute

Kevin · Andy:Two office workers discussing Andy's rumored gayness via a prolonged tea metaphor: 'Do you like it as much as you like men's butts? Because you're gay.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school? This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence.'

Andy:Andy's talking head continues: 'Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy asks Oscar if he thinks the gay rumor is true. Oscar: 'Are you attracted to other men?' Andy: 'No. But let me kick you a scenario...' — the Brad Pitt beach cabana fantasy

Jim · Andy:Jim's talking head at lunch: Andy asks Jim to set him up. Jim says Pam might have friends. Andy: 'Women friends? Not guy friends? Are you interested in her guy friends?' Andy: 'No. I mean for the record I prefer women. But off the record I'm kind of confused.'

Jim · Andy:Jim advises Andy to figure out his sexuality by having sex with 'a woman. And then a man. And then compare.'

Dwight · Jim · Andy · Erin · Michael:The gossip-tracing scene: 'Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me working me with controls?' — traced back through Andy, Erin, to Michael

Michael · Jim · Andy · Erin · Dwight:The gossip chain traced back: 'I heard it from Andy.' 'I heard it from Erin.' 'I heard it from Michael.' Everyone turns to Michael, who tries to sneak away. 'Where are you going?' 'Nowhere.'

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'Okay, I made it all up.' Andy: 'Even the fact that I'm gay?' Michael: 'Yes. Yes!' Andy: 'YES!'

Andy · Michael:Andy's sales are down because of 'a weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine.'

Andy · Michael:Andy shows Michael a suspicious email from his cousin: 'Hey, Andy, let's go visit Grandma and then get drunk together. Ha, ha.'

Michael · Andy:The cheese cart arrives at the conference room. Michael inside — 'Just backing up and turning around.'

Michael · Andy:The physical execution of the cheese cart scheme — Andy wheeling Michael in, the cart crashing or bumping, Michael trying to stay hidden

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Michael is like the fun dad. Jim is like the serious mom. And wittle Andy is stuck in the middle, and he wuvs them both vewy much, but if he had to pick one, well, goodness gracious, he would probably pick Jim because Jim gives Andy his num-nums on time. Num-nums are, of course, my commission checks.'

Michael · Andy:Michael asks if someone wants to sit up front with him. Andy: 'Nah, this is so much cooler. We feel like we're in a limo and you're our driver.'

Andy:Pam's brothers' toast talking head: 'They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me up there.'

Andy:Andy responds to Pete's toast with 'Douche. Ah, thanks, Pete. That was really nice.'

Andy · Michael · Dwight:Andy: 'Meemaw's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.' Michael: 'Oh my god. Are you serious?' Dwight: 'There's gonna be a free room?'

Meredith · Andy · Michael:Meredith dancing wildly at the hotel bar — others: 'Yeah, Meredith! Nice moves!' 'You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, okay? Like this.'

Andy · Pam:Andy does a split on the dance floor and screams — then: 'I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket. I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.'

Andy · Pam:Andy: 'Andy, I'm getting married in eight hours.' Andy: 'Everyone else is too drunk.' Andy: 'Just don't let me die here.'

Andy · Pam:Pam driving Andy to the hospital: 'Well, at least slow down a little bit, because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum.'

Andy:Andy: 'Well, it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so...' [justifying his dance injury as 'doing Pam's job']

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?' Andy: 'No. No, that was real.'

Kevin · Andy:Andy and Kevin morning-after exchange about the scrotum injury: Kevin: 'There's still something there?' Andy: 'Excuse me?' Kevin: 'It didn't get torn off?' Andy: 'No they didn't— nothing got torn off. Who told you that?' Kevin: 'I may have told some people that.'

Michael · Andy:Michael offers Andy his seat cushion: 'I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer.' Andy: 'It's my scrotum.' Michael: 'Um. And it was. Thank you.'

Andy:Andy post-wedding: 'My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man, my dogs are barking.'

Andy:Andy: 'My feet were so sweaty, I can't even feel the cold.' [post-Kleenex shoes]

Andy · Dwight:Andy and Dwight in Jim's office discussing Grotti: 'And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.'

Andy · Dwight:'He drives an SUV.' / 'I knew it.' / 'More trunk space. Or should I say corpse space?'

Michael · Andy · Dwight:Michael: 'Guys, I drive an SUV. Does that mean I'm in the mob?' / 'No, not that by itself.'

Andy:Andy arrives at the restaurant dressed as a mechanic with a tire iron: 'If I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion. And I have to justify it somehow, so I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.'

Michael · Andy:'Do you know how to use it?' / 'To change tires? No. But it's metal. I could hit somebody.'

Michael · Andy:Michael sees Andy's loafers under the mechanic costume: 'You're wearing loafers.' / 'Forget it!'

Andy · Stranger:A stranger approaches Andy (in mechanic costume) asking him to jump-start her car because her battery's dead and she has her kid with her.

Andy · Dwight · Stranger:Andy attempting to jump-start the car with no idea what he's doing. Dwight watching: 'He seems bad at this.' / Stranger: 'You want to do this, Junior?' / Dwight: 'I didn't think so.'

Andy:Andy's diagnosis: 'You got a leaky spark tube. So your car's totaled. You're just gonna want to get a refund on that.' / 'I work exclusively on motorcycles.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight to Andy: 'We have let Michael down. And it's 85% your fault.' / Andy: 'He's alive, so you're welcome.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy suggests convincing Michael the guy isn't mafia. Dwight: 'That seems a little far-fetched.' Andy: 'More far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy and Dwight presenting fake evidence that Grotti is clean: 'Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how it works.' / 'Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force, really. Class act. Boy scout.'

Dwight · Andy:'You successfully backed down the mob. You made the mafia apologize to you. You made the mafia be polite.'

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Michael's retelling of the phone call: 'So I looked him in the eye, and I said, "Not today, Grotti. Not today. And not tomorrow. And not the next day or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they are already dead." I said something like that.' / 'Very close.'

Andy:Andy appears with hot chocolate: 'Who wants a hot chocolate?'

Andy:'Sure thing, tuna boss.'

Jim · Dwight · Andy:Jim uses the mallard/listening device to feed Dwight false information about opera — a disinformation prank

Dwight · Andy:Dwight and Andy bicker about who will sing the cold call melody — Andy sings first, Dwight protests: 'Yeah, I was gonna sing that part.' Andy: 'I know. Now you don't have to.'

Meredith · Dwight · Andy:Dwight and Andy are assumed to be a pregnant couple by the receptionist: 'Do you guys know the sex yet?'

Andy · Michael:Andy and Michael's elaborate fake-couple role-play at the second client meeting, complete with 'we complete each other,' 'she loves to cook, he loves to eat,' and belly dancing story

Andy · Pam:'Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room.' / 'And I'll watch him.'

Andy · Michael:Andy feels the baby kick and says it's 'like a little magical foot just high-fived me'; starts talking to the belly: 'Hey, li'l soybean, what do you want?' / 'I love you, too, daddy.'

Andy:Andy confesses he got 'caught up in the fantasy' of having a wife and baby: 'I'm so sick of being single.' Pivots immediately to asking Jim about Erin.

Andy · Michael:Andy's post-meeting talking-head: 'If I'm being completely honest, I could have done without the belly kiss.' Michael: 'I knew I was kissing your belly too much.'

Erin · Andy:Erin asks Andy if the cold call day went well: 'No, it was a total waste of time.' Then immediately: 'Um, it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool.'

Andy · Erin:Andy: 'He's like Marlon Brando.' Erin: 'Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.' Andy: 'I actually do mean Marlon Wayans, yeah.'

Andy:"Feel it against your cheek." — Andy about the freshly polished briefcase

Dwight · Andy:Dwight advises Andy to clench his buttocks while walking to take pressure off his knees, then demonstrates

Andy:Andy preemptively offers to change the batteries in Dwight's wireless mouse

Dwight · Andy:Dwight and Andy fight over who will pay the restaurant check — physically blocking each other from reaching it

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I like Erin. There, I said it.'

Andy:Andy's talking head concludes: 'It is time for the nard-dog to take matters into his own paws.'

Andy · Erin:Andy gets character card 'Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and... Nellie's brother.' — reacting with dawning horror to the sibling relationship with his potential love interest's character.

Andy · Michael:Andy (as Nathaniel) arrives late, is told 'Sir, there has been a murder and you are a suspect.' Andy: 'Okay. Hang on just a second. Let me settle in and I'll be right back.'

Andy · Erin:Andy (as Nathaniel) asks 'Nellie' (Erin) out on a date within the game — she accepts in character — both grinning.

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin, which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone, and she might be a murderer.'

Kevin · Jim · Andy · Erin:Kevin: 'I was just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. So funny. The guy's dead the whole time.' Jim: 'I haven't seen it.' Kevin: 'Speaking of weekends — you excited about our date this weekend?'

Andy · Erin:Andy (as Nathaniel) offers Erin (as Nellie) a date at 'The finest steakhouse in all Savannah.' Erin: 'Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin simultaneously deny the date was real. Andy: 'Did you mean a real date?' Erin: 'No.' Andy: 'Totally not.' — both clearly disappointed.

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I thought it was for real... so I was excited, but it was just — it was part of the game.'

Andy · Michael:Andy suggests a softball question for Michael: 'Michael Scott, you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin, how do you do it?' Michael: 'No, no, that's too hard.'

Andy · Security Guards:Andy trying to chat up the Secret Service agents: 'You guys ever protect the president?' / 'No.' / 'What about Madonna? Obama twins? Anybody famous?' / 'Not supposed to talk about it.' / '...Nelly Furtado.'

Michael · Andy:Michael reads the complaint back: 'Andy have a boo-boo tummy.'

Michael · Andy:'Andy have a boo-boo tummy.' Michael reads this back deadpan from a written report as if presenting evidence in court.

Andy:Andy defends himself: 'Would you rather me say, Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up... Crazy diarrhea happening right now. 'Cause things can get real adult real fast.'

Michael · Andy:Michael reads the full list of Andy's baby-talk offenses: 'Wittle-ittle, footie-wooties, num-nums, jammies, make boom-boom, widiciwus, and Whode Island.'

Andy:Andy responds to Michael's confrontation: 'Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws?... Well, if I do, Andy's sowwy.'

Andy · Michael:Andy retaliates: 'A lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.' Michael immediately asks who, then defends it when Andy says he personally likes it.

Michael · Andy:Michael and Andy devolve into mutual compliments: Andy says Elvis voice is 'tops,' Michael says baby voice is 'tops,' and they end up doing both voices together — 'Tank you, Mr. Elvis.' / 'You're welcome, baby.'

Andy:Talking head — Andy reveals his scheme: 'I just need Andy to think it's his idea so it won't get traced back to me.'

Michael · Andy · Erin:Michael accidentally reveals that Andy gave Erin her gift: 'No, Andy had Erin. It was a secret. Michael! You...' Michael: 'What? Was I not supposed to say?'

Andy · Erin:Andy confessional about the 12 Days of Christmas gift to Erin: 'I thought that you would like it.' Erin: 'It was a little much, Andy.' Andy: 'Well, it's the thought that counts.' Erin: 'What were you thinking?'

Andy:Andy confessional: 'I suppose a gentleman might throw in the towel at this point. Guess what. Not gonna happen.'

Andy:Andy picks up a guitar and starts playing/singing 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' ('Walk a lonely road / Only one that I have ever known / Don't know where it goes / But it's all to me and I walk alone'). The office stares in silence. 'We all walk alone. Jim. Jim.'

Erin · Andy:Andy's confessional: 'I think when Andy finally asks me out, he's gonna try to top what he did with the drum line.' Cut to Erin's confessional: 'The ball is totally in Erin's court, after the whole drum line thing.'

Andy · Erin:Andy tries to hint to Erin about doing something on the weekend: 'Hey, any fun weekend plans?' / 'No. You?' / 'No, actually.' / (beat) / 'So, nothing? No movies or parties or anything you might want to invite someone to?' / 'Nothing. It's wide open.' / 'Okay. That's as hard as I can hint.'

Andy:Andy's talking-head: 'I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit. It cost, like, $200. Pretty sure it was worth it, though. It was definitely worth $50.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith gets a paper cut on her throat from Andy's stack of cards and says 'Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.'

Andy · Erin:Andy gives Erin a Valentine's card and says it smells good because 'it's Roger Federer for men. I sprayed some in there.' Then adds 'It's got pheromones in it.'

Andy · Erin:Andy gives Erin the Valentine's card and explains the Snoopy/Woodstock connection to the birds he gave her for Christmas. Erin says 'You named them?' Andy: 'Uh, Charles Schulz did.'

Darryl · Andy:Darryl to Andy about Erin: 'Believe me, if I got that card, we'd be in the bathroom doing it right now.'

Andy:Andy mass emails the entire office: 'Coworkers, you may have received a valentine from me. Please understand this does not mean that I like you in any way.' Signs it 'Yours in professionalism, Nard Dog.'

Phyllis · Andy:Phyllis reads Andy's email aloud: 'You don't even like us as friends?' Andy: 'Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like like you.' Phyllis: 'What are we, five?'

Kelly · Andy:Kelly confronts Andy: 'Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?'

Andy:Andy is asked who he likes. He stammers and doesn't say Erin's name for almost 20 seconds of awkward silence as the camera holds on him.

Andy:Andy talking head: 'Guys, a word of advice, speaking as a former baby...'

Andy:Andy's talking head: He was named Walter Junior, but when his brother was born, the parents felt the brother 'better exemplified the Walter Junior name' and gave it to him, leaving Andy with 'Andrew' from a baby name book.

Meredith · Andy:Meredith: 'I am never getting married. Like Clooney.' Michael offers to match Andy; Andy: 'Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so...'

Andy:Andy talking head: 'Yes, I'm gonna ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.'

Andy:Andy, hiding behind a hospital plant watching Erin and Kevin, explains to camera: In college he would hide behind plants in botany class to eavesdrop — but then he'd jump out and confront people saying 'You think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.'

Andy · Erin:Andy sends Erin a fax asking her to dinner — the fax is sent to their own office fax machine. Andy stands waiting for the confirmation. Fax is busy; Erin says she'll keep trying.

Andy · Erin:Andy demands Erin send the fax immediately or she's fired. Erin: 'You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong.' Andy: 'I've been having a tough day.' Erin reads the fax aloud: 'Erin, will you have dinner with me? From, Andy.'

Andy · Erin:Andy threatens to fire Erin for not sending his fax fast enough. Erin: 'You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong.' Andy: 'I've been having a tough day.'

Andy:Andy wearing his sister's old field hockey skirt as a kilt for St. Patrick's Day

Andy:According to How I Met Your Mother, that's the day your kids are gonna wait patiently to hear about, and you'd better have a good story for them.

Andy:She's still gonna like me in a week. Right?

Andy · Bar Friend:Phone call from the bar: 'Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance.' / 'Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!' / 'Maybe next queer!'

Andy · Erin:Andy: 'I'm in my jammy jams.' Erin: 'That's okay, I'm in my worky works.'

Andy · Erin · Reed:Erin's foster brother Reed showing up in bed with her during Andy's date — 'I didn't know you had a brother.' 'He's my foster brother.'

Reed · Erin · Andy:Reed inviting Andy to take the easy chair: 'Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet.' Erin: 'They smell like roses. Smell them.'

Andy · Reed · Erin:So how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent, or— None. We were in the same house from ages 10 to 12, and then from 15 to 18.

Reed · Andy:Reed saying 'Nice skirt' to Andy; Andy: 'It's a kilt.'

Andy · Reed · Erin:Slavic/Eastern European folk music playing loudly in the apartment, interrupting the date; Andy and Reed looking around confused

Andy · Erin:Erin showing up at Andy's door after the failed date, both awkward, then laughing together — 'Ah. Oh, great, now I'm gonna get sick.'

Andy:'Well, then no Andy Bernard, per se.' Andy dramatically excuses himself from the meeting

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin's coded couple-speak: 'Are you going later? / Sure, if you are. Yes.' followed immediately by Erin threatening to 'cut your face off'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin's confessional about keeping their relationship secret 'because of the drama' — while talking over each other in perfect sync, clearly enjoying the drama

Andy:Andy talking head: 'That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know...' — clearly referring to something we can't see or hear

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin are at the arcade section of the bar, playing children's games separately (racing game, Whac-A-Mole) to avoid being seen together

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin's plan to throw people off: Andy approaches a woman and starts 'talking to himself to confuse other people'

Andy · Erin:Andy pulls Erin away: 'We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers.' / 'I was flirting with a man.' / 'What movie? Black Snake Moan?'

Andy · Erin:Confessional: Andy and Erin watching their colleagues — 'This is not what I want my relationship to look like' — presumably looking at any number of dysfunctional office couples on the dance floor

Andy:Andy's formal announcement to the bar: 'Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.'

Andy · Erin:After Andy's big announcement, Erin says 'You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama.' Andy: 'I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'It is Erin's and my three-week anniversary, so perfect storm for a romantic gesture.'

Andy:Andy's confessional: 'I sent an email blast, a text blast, a good old-fashioned talk blast... I sent a snail-mail blast a week ago, and a stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.'

Michael · Andy:Michael describes Erin: 'She's kind of a rube.' / Andy: 'That's my girlfriend you're talking about.'

Andy:Andy asks about lunch: 'Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?'

Andy:Andy's speech about Erin: 'That 115-pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon... to a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax confirmations, but to me, she is my girlfriend, in addition to being the person who brings me my fax confirmations.'

Andy · Erin:Andy announces 'Secretary of Love' and begins playing banjo — then Erin immediately interrupts to confront him about Angela mid-performance.

Andy:Andy's confessional spiral: 'Who cares? I mean, it's not like I killed somebody. Big deal, right? This is gonna blow over in two seconds. She never asked me, so if you think about it, it's kind of... I probably should have told her, I guess. Everybody does stupid things.'

Andy:Andy: 'Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.' [beat] — delivered with complete conviction as his defense for not being secretive

Andy:Andy's escalating self-talk: 'She never asked me, so if you think about it, it's kind of... I probably should have told her, I guess. Everybody does stupid things.'

Erin · Andy:Andy's confessional about trust, then Erin interrupts: 'Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?'

Andy:Andy's confession: 'I mean, yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.'

Erin · Andy:Erin's breakup speech: 'I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like that girl Precious in Precious, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Okay?' / Andy: 'I didn't see that movie.'

Dwight · Andy · Kevin:Dwight's talking head: 'Can you smell the power of Halperts? Power couple. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.' Andy: 'Oh, they wish they were Power Rangers. Good luck getting Ninjor to share his power coins with these two.' Kevin: 'Okay, nerd alert. Never saw the show. And that stuff was not in the movie.'

Andy:Andy talking head on reading signals: 'It's easier than it used to be. If a lady is interested, she'll send me a wink. And then I'll send back an e-flirt. And if it doesn't work out, I block her.'

Andy · Kelly · Ryan:Andy interrupts Kelly and Ryan's serious fight about the dates: 'Ah, scrote's still tender. I'm sorry.' Kelly: 'Andy, we're trying to have a private conversation.' Andy: 'I'm sorry.'

Andy · Stanley:Andy tells Stanley about a printer catching fire; Stanley responds: 'My doctor told me to cut out hotdogs. We all got problems.'

Gabe · Andy:Gabe's repeated interjections about almond butter/apricot preserves while Andy tries to escalate a safety crisis

Kevin · Andy:Kevin tells Andy that Gabe said 'Andy, problem, eliminate' — Andy: 'What? You don't know what it meant? How about, "Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him."' Kevin: 'Oh! I hadn't even thought of that.'

Andy · Gym Trainer:Andy receives a text reading '911' from someone, panics, calls it urgent — cut to the gym trainer trying to motivate a downbeat man: 'Look, I'm not down anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you've just gotta stand up for yourself.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy and Dwight decide they need proof — 'I need, like, a printer to catch on fire.' Dwight: 'I can videotape it.' Andy: 'Yeah.' Beat. 'There it is.'

Gabe · Andy:Gabe rewards Andy's safety report with a Dunkin' Donuts gift card: 'That's good for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts.'

Andy:Andy tries to schedule plans with someone; they keep being unavailable — until Andy invents a fake concert: 'Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row.'

Andy:Andy's whistleblower video — he introduces himself formally: 'My name is Andrew Baines Bernard and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned state's witness, because I'm in danger, because I know too much.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight tells Andy he should speak in a higher voice because the camera makes him sound weird — Andy adjusts increasingly higher until speaking in a squeaky tone

Andy · Darryl:Andy introduces Darryl on the whistleblower video: 'This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing.' Darryl's confessional: 'I don't want to prank anymore. Things get real. I'm going to stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day.'

Andy · Unknown office member:"Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film Wanted." / "All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden... Is there a curtain rod in the room?"

Dwight · Phyllis · Toby · Andy:Dwight's solution: line them all up and shoot one bullet through all three throats simultaneously, then demonstrates with Phyllis as Hitler, Toby as Toby, Andy as Bin Laden

Dwight · Phyllis · Toby · Andy:Dwight's solution: line them all up and shoot one bullet through all three throats simultaneously, then physically demonstrates by having Phyllis play Hitler, Toby play Toby, and Andy play Bin Laden

Andy · Jim · Pam:Andy's confessional: "ANDY: No secret crying. / Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there. / Could he still be seeing her? / I don't think he'd do that. / So, we're gonna say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight? / It happened to Tom Hanks in Big. / Exactly. It happened in Big."

Andy:Andy's talking head: "My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I would so much rather play the part on stage."

Andy · Michael:Andy vocalizing at the youth baseball game, cheering loudly while Michael shushes him

Andy:"Stage right or stage left? / I played batboy in Damn Yankees."

Andy:"And now coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and a heart capable of feeling pain..."

Michael · Andy:"He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach... / That's him. / Look at him. High fiving? He didn't even do anything. The kid did all the work. / I bet he does that at home. 'Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes? High five, Donna.' / 'Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers? High five. I'm taking all the credit.'"

Andy · Michael:"He seems pretty well liked by the team. / Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary. / You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players. / I know. I know. I know. That was a euphemism."

Andy · Michael · Shane (Coach):Andy: "Great game, Coach." Michael: "Shh." Andy (to spectators): "You guys are awesome. Best game I've ever seen in my life." Coach: "You must be rooting for the other guys."

Shane (Coach) · Michael · Andy:Coach: "Do I know you?" Michael: "No, just big fans." Andy: "Both of us." Coach: "Are you somebody's parents? Are you guys Kenny's dads?"

Andy · Shane (Coach):Andy: "(Laughs) No, no, but we're gay for baseball." Coach: "Okay. But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot."

Andy · Michael · Shane (Coach):Andy approaches the coach as 'Sheldon' with fake stomach cramps after being called over by Michael

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I just want to go on record as saying I do not condone this affair. And I even went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior.' — then it's revealed 'confronting the victim' was shaking his hand at a Little League game

Andy · Phyllis · Michael:Andy's talking head: "I even went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior." / "Did you talk to him?" / "I did." then Michael finds the encounter charming and doesn't change his mind

Andy:I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.

Dwight · Andy:Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. / And? / You did it. / What? Based on what? / Just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you.

Nick · Andy:And you... This guy. You're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it and I also saw a Quicktime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch.

Andy · Phyllis:Hey, Phyllis, have you seen my bag? / You deserve it.

Andy · Darryl:Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down and children to die. / Does that make me a hero? / No, it does not. / Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either. / It does!

Pam · Andy:Andy? Hey. I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press. / Thanks. Yeah, you know. Just seemed like the right thing to do.

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam · Ryan · Creed · Andy · Oscar · Angela · Kevin · Darryl · Erin:The entire cold open lip sync/dance performance to 'Nobody But Me' — the whole office is participating in an elaborately choreographed music video, including Dwight with a CamelBak hydration pack, Creed awkwardly appearing, and Ryan ignoring it for his laptop

Andy:Talking head (likely Andy or another character): 'Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.'

Andy:Andy's confessional about his summer friends: 'Broccoli Rob, obviously, will be there... And J.C. We call him Blorville because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.'

Andy:Andy's anger management confessional: 'Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger management, okay? So right now I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.'

Andy:Andy's confessional: 'The new guy sucks. Calls me the Nard Man. I'm the Nard Dog, okay? Nard Man is my father.'

Unknown · Darryl · Andy:Office reaction to the spanking: 'There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.' 'That was awesome.' 'Texas justice.' 'Yeah, your nephew is so lame. He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter.'

Andy · Michael:Michael: 'You follow him on Twitter?' Andy: 'Everywhere I look, it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally, a kid who's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.'

Kelly · Andy · Jim:Kelly: 'We should start our own mall.' / Andy: 'Yeah!' / Jim: 'Wait, wait, wait. Actually, that's a really good idea, Kelly.' / Kelly: 'What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.'

Michael · Dwight · Andy · Jim:Michael tries to describe the plot of Pretty Woman but doesn't know the title — 'Apparently there's a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980s... beautiful girl.' Everyone has to correct him: 'Pretty Woman.'

Michael · Andy · Jim:Michael describes Pretty Woman's plot: 'The sex worker is denied service... that can't be right.' / Andy and Jim insist on hearing his version anyway.

Andy · Michael:Andy dramatically delivers the 'Big mistake. Huge.' line, cutting off Michael mid-telling

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Wait, I see you every day. Can I say, "good month?"' — in response to being told to greet people with 'good morning, good afternoon'

Dwight · Andy · Jim:Dwight's acceptance drill: 'Please. / Thank you. / Copy. Thank you. / Please. / I think he's got it.'

Andy · cast members:Cast of Sweeney Todd bursts into the Dunder Mifflin office performing the show's opening number with full theatrical gusto

Andy:[cockney accent] 'a wee bit of viral marketing, gov'nor!'

Coworker · Andy:Phyllis (or a coworker): 'I auditioned for this! When did the cast list go up?' / 'Like a month ago.' / 'They didn't call me!'

Andy:Talking head: Andy asks 'Who am I playing?' followed by cheerful music sting and title card

Andy:Andy presents two comp tickets: 'Two comps for m'lady and her Gabe.' He immediately reveals his plan to use the show to make Erin fall back in love with him.

Andy:'It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.'

Andy · Gabe:Gabe seemed to think no one was going — Andy reacts with 'What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe?' and then immediately begins polling the office

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?' / 'I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd.' / 'You're that friend.' / 'I'm going to see your play.'

Andy:Andy's talking-head mid-show: 'His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.' — Andy narrating his own performance from the perspective of the audience

Andy:Andy checks his phone mid-show in a confessional: 'Just checking my emails. See if I got any last-minute break a legs or I still love you type texts.' — then finds nothing from Erin

Andy · Angela:Andy's fake 'kill me' theatrical warm-up with Angela backstage: 'Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!' — Angela appears to actually stab him with a prop

Andy · Jim · Pam:Andy shows Jim and Pam the 'best seats in the house' — the seats they would have had — explaining where the speakers converge and 'the sound just, like, nails you right here'

Michael · Andy:Andy at the cast party, feeling post-show blues: Michael finds him and says: 'I get those every day after work.'

Oscar · Andy · Michael:Oscar's sass at the cast party: 'It was like amateur hour.' / Andy: 'It was an amateur production, technically.' / Oscar: 'Oscar, enough with the sass, please! God! What is wrong with you?'

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.' / 'Thank you. That feels good.' / 'I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.'

Andy · Michael · coworkers:Andy sings 'Try Again' (Macy Gray) spontaneously at the cast party; it becomes an emotional, beautiful moment as his coworkers join in

Nate · Pam · Andy · Kelly · Dwight:Nate attempts to deal with a hornet's nest using a blowtorch, then a bat — chaos ensues with people fleeing and screaming 'They're stinging him!'

Andy:Andy: 'The number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.'

Michael · Andy · Stanley · Oscar:Andy's attention-request debate: Michael points out Andy has asked for everyone's attention 'like a year ago' and Andy protests, triggering everyone to cite specific occasions (new phone, World Cup scores)

Andy:Andy sings an improvised pizza jingle to lure colleagues into his sex-ed session: 'Hot pizza, check it and see / I got a whole bunch of pepperoni'

Andy · Jim:Andy's sex-ed class: shows photos of genitalia to the office. 'What, 'cause he's black?' / 'Nope. It's 'cause it's genitalia.'

Andy:Andy shows second STD-afflicted genital photo: 'Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it. But you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy's sex-ed pros/cons list: Kevin contributes 'It feels unbelievable.' Andy asks if that's different from 'feels amazing.' Kevin: 'Yes.' Andy writes it down.

Creed · Andy:Creed: 'The feeling of pure risk.' — submitted as a pro of sex. Andy had it in the cons column; Creed says 'It's thrilling' and Andy moves it.

Andy · Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's baby called an 'unplanned pregnancy' — 'Just admit that your baby was a mistake.' / 'She was a surprise.' / 'I'm sure they don't regret having that child. Let's move it to the pros.'

Andy:Andy's sex-ed lesson: 'What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski.' (office laughs) Andy: 'I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone here was practicing abstinence.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy demonstrates condom use on a pencil. Oscar: 'Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?' Andy: 'Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith has a reaction (presumably the condom demonstration goes wrong) — 'It'll go away in time. Just don't touch it.' — implying the condom broke or something went wrong

Andy:Andy-Erin confrontation: Andy quotes his own proposal to Erin verbatim: 'My good sir, nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.'

Andy:'The only reason I said that is 'cause you asked me so politely, and it was very difficult for me to say no.'

Michael · Andy · Jim:Michael struggles to ride a bike while everyone chants his name, then crashes into something.

Andy:Says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's sherpa survived to tell the tale.

Andy · Jim:Oh, my god! What? Is Dan okay? No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob.

Andy:"some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, calci-yum, featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio."

Jim · Andy:Oh, that's great news for your friend. / Yeah. Yeah. It's great. / You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder.

Andy:I was the artsy musical one. And here comes trouble. I had four solos. Broccoli Rob had three.

Andy:♪ knockity-knock, don't knock back ♪ Just kidding, you can knock. It's your office. Do you have a minute?

Andy:Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into weightwatchers.com.

Oscar · Andy:How much? / 60 bucks a session. / That's crazy money. I'll take 40.

Andy · Oscar:The band plays a song from the point of view of a little girl about bringing troops home, but it's sung by Andy (adult man) in falsetto.

Oscar · Andy:I don't think they usually skate to such... bad songs. / Rude. And not helpful.

Kevin · Andy:Well, I really, really, really liked it. / Well, that really bums me out. / You're welcome.

Staff · Michael · Kevin · Andy:Josh Duhamel. / Yeah, I can see that! / No. No. No. Somebody in this office. / He's like a better-looking Andy. / Thanks, Kevin.

Andy · Oscar:Songs about truth. / Yeah. / What's something you really care about? / Reverse snobbery. / More universal.

Andy · Oscar:Andy and Oscar spontaneously compose 'Closet Full of Me' in real time — 'couldn't get outta bed today / wish the alarm clock would go away / which me am I gonna be today / I got a closet full of mes'

Andy · Band:♪ sun's in her eyes / tongue full of flies / would you like to share my pad / croak, croak, croak ♪ [The novelty frog song plays over credits]

Andy · Gabe:Andy calls Gabe 'Gabe-wad' to his face.

Andy:Andy's Cornell a cappella origin story: 'When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, the Cornell Daily Sun. This was at Cornell...'

Andy · Darryl:Andy: 'And that's actually when I heard eight male voices singing, unencumbered by instruments.' / Darryl: 'So is becoming CEO of this company your a cappella group?'

Andy:Does the Nard dog want Nard pups? Yeah. I want a big old litter of Nard pups, all jumping around and sucking on the teat. Put them in a box, give them to my neighbors.

Andy:For all your paper and printer needs.

Andy:Teach For America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts.

Andy:I bet he's wishing he had a hybrid, right? Sixty miles to the gallon in the city!

Kevin · Andy:Andy, look, all I know is, if I was a girl and I had to choose between a tall dude who loved Asia and a you-looking dude who loved sweaters and wearing sweaters, I'd choose you. That's really nice. Thank you. And I'd blow your mind.

Andy:Hello, UPS, still waiting on that five minutes with Erin I ordered. Oh, never mind, it's here.

Andy · Erin:Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose? / Andy, you look awful. / You're four seasons in a day.

Michael · Andy:Michael coaxing Andy into WUPHF under false pretenses, then suggesting Andy could 'buy the Bernard Estate and burn it to the ground while your entire family watched.'

Michael · Andy:Maybe the next offer will be from Cornell. And they laughed you off of campus, right? So who's laughing now?

Andy · Oscar:W.U.P.H.F. / Oh, God. They only want it for the initials. The domain name.

Andy · Darryl:Andy texts Darryl to inform him that he and Michael are wearing the same tie

Andy · Darryl:Andy texts Darryl 'Megan Fox?' with a question mark

Darryl · Andy:Darryl: 'You're one bad text away from gettin' blocked.' Andy: 'Yes, but one good text away from a high five.' / 'You accept these terms?' / 'It's on.'

Andy · Darryl:Darryl receives Andy's text: 'Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action.'

Andy · Darryl:Darryl goes to the parking lot, Andy warns him he'll scare the pigeons away, and the final image is presumably two men crouched watching pigeons

Andy:Erin and I make great use of ours. [beat] Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we're still dating?

Dwight · Andy:Andy asks to join the snowball fight; Dwight says 'No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing.'

Michael · Andy:Michael as 'Santa Bond': 'The name is bond... Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred.' Andy: 'Classic Brosnan.'

Andy:Andy: 'Pick a damn tree already.'

Michael · Andy:Michael's resolution: 'Meet a loose woman.' Andy immediately: 'Oh, God. That's a good one. Yeah? You know what? That's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.'

Darryl · Andy · Michael:Darryl: 'All right, we should divide up by section. I will take Romance and Travel.' Andy: 'I'll take the entirety of the second floor.' Michael: 'I got that cutie behind the counter.'

Andy · Darryl · bookstore employee:Andy and Darryl pretend to be bookstore employees: 'Well, if you read a lot you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.' Darryl: 'Oh, I work at a paper company. Those things terrify me. They could put us out of business.' Worker: 'Heard those machines hold, like, 10 books at once.' 'Actually, it's 10,000.' 'Holy [bleep]. What?'

Andy · Darryl:After pretending to be employees: 'Why did we pretend like we work here?' 'Is that what we were doing?' 'I don't know...'

Andy · Darryl:'How'd you do?' 'Good. Yeah. Good, real good. Yeah. I think we kind of nailed it. Yeah, pretty much. But you know, this place is kind of tapped out.'

Michael · Andy · Darryl:Michael's book haul: 'What'd you get? A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.'

Andy:Andy at the roller rink met a man named Andy who 'roller skates like a Greek God' — his resolution to meet women resulted in befriending a man

unknown · Darryl · Andy · Michael:'If you want I can put on the strobe.' ALL: 'Yeah!'

Andy:Andy advises Darryl to order a cheeseburger at Blu Wasabi: 'They say they won't do it, but they will if you make a scene.'

Erin · Andy:Erin explaining she did Andy's sudoku by accident and is avoiding Stanley: 'I accidentally did his sudoku.'

Andy:Andy describes his new girlfriend: 'She's neat. I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.'

Erin · Andy · Darryl:Erin and Andy's whispering scene in Darryl's office — whispering about whether Darryl can hear them, then testing by calling him a jerk, then immediately apologizing.

Gabe · Erin · Andy:Gabe's treasure hunt song plays on a boom box: '(Singing) The temp at night / The temp at night'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin struggle to decode the treasure hunt instruction 'pick it up, take it out' — repeating it back and forth in confusion.

Andy · Erin · Ryan:Andy and Erin finding Ryan in the break room/office — it's implied he's with a woman. 'Oh. Cool.' followed by Andy and Erin gasping and looking away.

Ryan · Andy · Erin:Ryan accuses them of wanting to have sex in his office. 'You wanted to have sex in my office.' Andy: 'No. Definitely not. That's disgusting.' Ryan: 'It's cool. Just um, try to put everything back where you found it. Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here.'

Andy · Erin:Andy asks Erin: 'B-9. Like benign tumor.' Erin corrects: 'Maybe it's just more like Be mine.'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin stare at each other after reading 'the real treasure is your Valentine's kiss' — both realize they're supposed to kiss, neither moves

Andy:Andy: 'If you donated my computer to Africa, it would become famous as the slowest computer in Africa.'

Pam · Andy:Pam coaching Andy to 'take three deep breaths' while clearly trying to manage her own frustration about the computer situation

Andy:Andy deliberately infecting Erin's new computer with viruses: 'Allow all cookies? Why, soitenly. Pop-ups? Yes, please. Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah, why not? I hope you don't get sick, Mr. Computer.'

Andy:'Why are you doing this to me, Andy?' — the computer seemingly 'responds' to Andy's sabotage (implicitly another character or Erin sees him)

Andy:'Because I hate your broke ass. And a 76ers fan to boot.'

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:Andy proposes making the Dallas board game 'a little interesting' after Kevin reveals there are no instructions

Kevin · Andy · Darryl:Kevin plays a 'blackmail card' and 'proxy meeting card' in the same turn in Dallas board game; Andy says you can't do both

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:Andy plays a 'share the wealth' card from The Game of Life — 'It was in the box.'

Andy:"We must honorably adhere to the rules that we are making up on the spot."

Darryl · Andy:Darryl: 'No, but that's not fair.' Andy: 'Well, that's Dallas.' Darryl: 'Dallas indeed.'

Kevin · Andy · Darryl:Kevin's Dallas endgame: 'Hey, guys, it's my turn.' / 'You can't go. You're dead. I shot you five moves ago.'

Andy:"I start having rules now, everything we've built collapses."

Michael · Andy:Andy wins 'Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award'; Michael reads: 'By his own admission, this person actually tried marijuana in college.'

Andy · Michael:Andy's acceptance speech: 'There's a lot of people I'd like to thank, but I think we all actually want to thank you, Michael.'

Andy · Jim · Pam · Dwight · Kevin · Erin · Oscar · Meredith · Angela · Stanley · Ryan:The office performs a parody of 'Seasons of Love' ('Rent') customized with Michael-specific details: 'You hit me with your car / You helped me get off drugs / I watch you when you sleep / I forgive you for kissing me'

Michael · Andy:Michael gives Andy his top 10 client accounts, saying Andy 'needs confidence that he is a great salesman' — Andy immediately says 'You know I'm the worst salesman here, right?'

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'But you're the best salesman on the inside.' Andy: 'What does that even mean?' Michael: 'You sold us all on Andy. A product that nobody wanted.'

Andy · Michael · Oscar:Andy bursts in to interrupt Michael's moment with Oscar: 'Michael, I just lost Porter Hardware!'

Michael · Andy:Michael's transfer of Erin to Andy: 'She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.'

Andy · Erin:Andy: 'You're not prone to seizures?' — apropos of nothing, to Erin

Michael · Andy:Michael's sales pitch approach with Andy: 'Okay, what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow?' Andy: 'I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.'

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'That's stupid. Well, what do I know? I know. What do you know?'

Michael · Andy:Michael, looking for a way to 'get psyched up': 'Is there an animal shelter on the way?' Andy: 'Yeah.' Michael: 'Awesome! Ani-ani-shelto. Here we come.'

Andy · Michael:Andy: 'Do you know how to high-five?' Michael: 'Yeah.' Andy: 'Cause if you do, now's the time.' Michael: '...Not while I'm driving.'

Erin · Kevin · Andy:Kevin walks by; Erin: 'Kevin?' / Kevin: 'Andy.' — Erin mistook Kevin for a romantic option

Andy · Erin:Andy gives Erin a heartfelt speech ending with: 'you are beautiful, and you are fun, and you are smart... you don't need a mom, because you have my number and you can call me anytime. Extension 147.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy's talking-head defense of Deangelo: 'What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine?' / Dwight: 'What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine?'

Andy:Andy: 'I took a crapload of women's studies courses at Cornell. And I wrote my own companion piece to the vagina monologues called the penis apologies.'

Andy:Andy: 'I'm going in to the belly of the beast. I'm gonna infiltrate and change from within.' Then: 'What's up, man cave!'

Gabe · Andy:Are you still in love with Erin? / What? / Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore. / Andy, do you like being alone with me right now? / No. This is horrifying.

Dwight · Andy · Office Staff:Okay, all right, fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. / — Sorry I freaked you guys out — / Aah! Andy! / Aah! God! / It's so loud!

Andy · Office Staff:Andy returns from the hospital to a hero's welcome — 'Our hero! You look fantastic!' — when he burst his eardrum

Andy · Dwight · Office Staff:Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition. / American Idol? What? No. / Okay. I guess I can just not go. / Do you guys wanna hear my solo? / No. / * Why did my temporary boss / go on a shooting spree? * / Okay. Fine. You can go on your singing audition.

Andy · Dwight · Office Staff:Andy leverages his 'injury' to extract concessions from Dwight: American Idol audition day off, then an extra vacation day, pet day back (no dogs), full vending machine restoration, weapons elimination including 'killer fish'

Gabe · Andy:Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again? / Did I say that earlier? / Yes, I did.

Andy · Gabe:Because you, Gabe, were crying... / No, I was not. / And sobbing uncontrollably. / Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. / And my maternal instincts kicked in.

Andy:Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it on Wednesdays and Fridays.'

Andy:'So, I don't know. I guess you could say this job is on my list and we'll see what Rosa comes back with.'

Andy · Kevin · Jim:Andy's pre-interview pep talk: he asks his friends what they need to tell him. Kevin says 'I think Andy should be the boss. He's just so great.' Jim says 'If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course.'

Andy · Toby · Jim:Andy's interview: 'I really think we can streamline communication around here.' / Toby: 'Whoa. That's a very heavy accusation to level against Toby.'

Andy · Jim · Toby:Andy says he'd 'streamline communication,' and Jim and Toby immediately interpret this as an accusation against Toby's HR department.

Jim · Toby · Andy:Andy is asked how many windows are in New York City, pivoting to 'How far away is the sun?' Andy answers both seriously.

Erin · Andy:Erin has been turned into a puppet: 'I've been turned into a puppet. Okay. Look at the puppet. Hi, puppet. Who are you? I went to drop off the FedEx forms, and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet!'

Andy:Andy's confessional about not having 'the feeling' for Erin: 'Aren't there some things that you really want to like but you just can't seem to like it? Like Mad Men or football.'

Andy:Andy announces he wants the job: 'I want the job. There. I said it. I'm educated, I'm capable, I like all of you, and I won't make any changes.'

Andy:Andy sees himself as manager: 'I see it. I see it like I see a mountain that I'm standing in front of and facing and I'm liking.'

Andy:Planking is one of those things where, hey, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.

Andy:Robert California took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him CEO. Her own job. He talked her out of her own job and I don't really know how someone does that.

Andy:Pause/beat before Andy reveals he got the manager job — 'and he chose...' followed by silence and then a cut to Andy.

Andy:True, I might have been the second choice, but I was the first choice's first choice.

Andy · Dwight:I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer.

Kevin · Andy:Kevin is planking on something (likely a desk or copier), can't get down, and Andy has to intervene — 'This has got to stop. / I can't get down. / Ke-- Kevin!'

Andy · Pam:Oh, yeah, pregnant. Right here. Little Michael Scott. / Nope. I told you I don't like that joke.

Andy:Look! It's, uh, little pregs and big pregs.

Andy · Darryl:Hoist him aloft! Come on, Darryl! Lift, lift, Darryl.

Andy · Dwight:Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this? / Say no more.

Andy · Dwight:Andy asks Dwight to handle the planking situation. Dwight: 'Say no more.' — followed by scene of Dwight throwing plankers off surfaces.

Andy:Andy barges in on Robert and Erin's intense conversation to announce a scheduled 'casual chitchat' that he emailed Robert to confirm.

Andy:First item on the agenda -- Can I get everyone an extra long Columbus day weekend? Item number two -- Connect with the guy. Robert California -- What does he think of me? Don't know. Super care. Number three, time permitting -- we lost our biggest client.

Andy:Really great list of names, guys. Thank you so much. Good work.

Robert · Andy:You read my notebook, and-- and photocopied it, and distributed it. / No. / They did, and they asked me to ask about it.

Andy · Robert:And by the way, I am so glad I asked. / Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Andy · Stanley:Stanley, you do puzzles all day. What do we got? / Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and shove it up your butt!

Andy:Well, we should all be really excited about our... Very own pizza party.

Andy · Oscar:Great group! Pizza party! / How is this a pizza party? / Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here? / Yeah, well that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.

Andy:Okay, now clearing the obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better?

Andy:Come here, Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously.

Andy:Andy comforting Pam: 'Chins up, okay?' — then immediately: 'Bad joke.'

Robert California · Andy · Jim · Meredith:Winners return from lunch. Everyone claims they had an incredible time. Meredith/Pam: 'It was excellent.' 'Good times.' 'Yeah? Yeah?' 'Oh, we did.' 'It was the best time.' Robert: 'And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too, Andy.'

Andy · Pam:Is everything all right? / Yeah, I'm fine. [clearly not fine]

Andy:When I was a salesman, I could just be like, 'not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course. But now... it is my job, and my prob.

Jim · Andy:Andy, don't go in there! / I'm going in there.

Robert · Andy:I'm not going to change my list, Andy, and I don't use ballpoint pens. / Well, then I will make a new list for you.

Andy:You may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?

Andy:Meredith Palmer, supplier relations -- The word 'no,' not even in her vocabulary.

Andy · Robert:And just to show you that I'm being fair, you had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is... / Astute. Good call.

Andy · Robert:The Friday before Columbus day — we're going to take a half-day so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend. / You want a 3 1/2 day weekend for Columbus day. / Yes, I do. / And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of native Americans. / I don't care.

Andy · Office Worker:So Columbus day -- We got that half-day on Friday. / We get that every year. / Well, you got it this year too.

Andy · Jim · Pam · Dwight:End-of-day goodbyes — everyone says 'Good night, Andy' as he leaves last, slightly excluded from the warmth of the group departures

Andy:Andy's warning: 'basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants'

Andy · Kevin:Andy: 'What are you going to do with all this time?' Kevin: 'See world.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy: 'Kevin, are you saying "see the world" or SeaWorld?'

Dwight · Jim · Andy:The Sabre Pyramid tablet: absurd weight, battery pack requirements, and memory measured in 'L' (a unit nobody recognizes)

Andy · Jim:Andy interrupting Dwight's meeting about a failing product to ask about tie clips and calling Jim 'C-Span'

Andy · Jim:Andy explains 'C-Span' = Cocker Spaniel, 'Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline, Cocker because—' [cut off]

Robert California · Andy:Robert California referring to Jim as 'Your friend Neil Patrick Harris' to Andy

Andy · Erin · Darryl:The nickname chain: Erin calls Andy 'D Dog,' Andy approves it, tells Erin she's 'E Dog,' the whole office adopts dog names

Andy · Darryl:Andy describing sleeping with his ex-wife: 'Yeah, we had a few fights I suppose, but last night we put a lot of that to bed.'

Andy:Andy: 'I can't tell you what I did with my ex-wife last night. I have to sing it.' — then sings about their shower together

Andy · Andy's father:Andy's father walks in mid-song, just as Andy is singing about being naked with his ex-wife

Andy:'Oh. Hi, Dad. Oh, boy.' — someone walks in while Andy is mid-song about his sex life

Robert California · Andy:Robert California: 'Andy, do you know why I chose you? I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor.' Andy: 'Vanilla?' Robert: 'Vanilla? No.'

Robert California · Andy:Robert: 'You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess.' Andy: 'You were saying you chose me. There was a reason.'

Andy · Robert California:Andy serving Robert a freezing cup of old coffee and drinking it himself: 'I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. Mmm.'

Andy · Robert California:Andy: 'You got it. Double.' Robert: 'Done.' Andy: 'I'm not kidding.' Robert: 'Neither am I.' Andy: 'It's already done.' [pause] 'I'm just kidding. It's going to take some time. Double.'

Andy · Robert California:Andy: 'Double. Done.' Robert: 'I'm not kidding.' Andy: 'Neither am I. It's already done.' [beat] 'I'm just kidding. It's going to take some time. Double.'

Andy · Dwight · Jim · Oscar:Andy's 'rap session' — gathering the team for a 'little rap session to talk about business' that has no agenda and no ideas

Andy · Jim · Dwight · Phyllis · Stanley:Andy's 'rap session' with the salespeople: 'Just thought we'd have a little rap session. Talk about business. See how things are going.' followed by awkward silence.

Jim · Oscar · Andy:Jim: 'If we could just double our sales, we already would have.' Oscar: 'You're not making any sense.' Jim: 'He brings up two good points.'

Andy:Andy wraps up the pointless meeting with 'Good sesh' and someone says 'That leg's asleep'

Andy · Dwight:Andy to Dwight: 'D Bone, there you are. Let me guess — somebody needs a brownie. Lick the spoon?'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight complaining about profits: 'I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.' Andy: 'I know, right? Yeah.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy pivots: 'Got to be some way you could double your beet sales.' — applying Robert's impossible target to Dwight's farm as if it's advice, then: 'You wanted the job, the job is yours, just do the job. And I'll do mine.'

Andy · Office Staff:The reveal of Andy's incentive prizes under the blanket — a pile of kids' toys, a vibrator, and random items

Oscar · Andy:Oscar's immediate deconstruction: 'It seems like a basic reward system where you give us points and then we redeem those points for prizes.' Andy: 'You're exactly right. And you get a point.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith: 'Oh. Uh, is that a vibrator?' Andy: '20 points.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith: 'Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.' Andy: 'There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, 22 points.'

Stanley · Andy:Stanley: 'How about you want us to work harder, pay us more.' Andy: 'I can't.'

Andy:Andy: 'I didn't mean to offend you and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very very "sari." 16 points.' [holds up a sari]

Andy:Andy escalating the incentive system: 'For 500 points, I will wear a dress to work.'

Andy:Andy: 'For 1,000 points, I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding dong.'

Andy:Andy: 'For 5,000 points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old S.S. Bernard.'

Andy · Jim:Andy: 'I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.' Jim: 'No. You definitely weren't kidding. That came across loud and clear.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight handing in 120 points: 'Yeah. Big sale. Don't worry about it though. I don't really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though.'

Andy:Andy calling a professor he found in a management book ('Management' by Professor Frank) to ask about 'de-incentivizing strategies' and describing himself as being in a 'classic ass-tattoo-incentive situation'

Andy:Andy's response to learning the office hit 5,000 points in one day: 'Took 'em one day.'

Andy:Andy's car as a prize: 'My car. For 1,000 points. Or best offer.'

Andy · Office Staff:Andy: 'We should think about this. Does anyone have any better ideas?' Everyone: 'I like what we have.' 'Yeah, nice try.'

Jim · Andy:Jim to Andy outside: 'Nobody really expects you to go through with this.'

Andy:Andy confessional before the tattoo: 'No one expects me to go through with this, right?' Camera presumably cuts. Beat. Andy: 'Absolutely not.'

Andy:Andy: 'Let's ink my stink.'

Andy:Andy: 'My heart belongs to music but my ass belongs to these people.'

Andy · Tattoo Artist:Tattoo artist: 'Uh, you can keep your pants on actually. If you just drop them down a bit that'd be great.' Andy: 'They are already off my good sir.'

Andy:Andy: 'I think down's better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.'

Andy · Tattoo Artist:Andy: 'This is where I grin and bear it.' [cotton swab touches him] 'Ow, ow!' Artist: 'That was just a cotton swab.' Andy: 'Invest in softer cotton, sir.'

Andy · Tattoo Artist · Office Staff:The reveal of the completed tattoo: 'It's a Nard dog.' 'That's my nickity name! I love it!'

Andy:The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. $950,000. And then they quit. And no one else can focus.

Andy:This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work. I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.

Andy:Andy on the phone with Justine: 'No, no, no. I didn't win. When I got promoted, I stopped...' then awkward silence as he processes that he left the lottery pool when he got promoted.

Andy:If I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. To down here, like Mr. T. And this would get seriously annoying.

Andy · Darryl:Darryl not checking email until lunch — 'Four hour work week.' Andy: 'This is kind of time-sensitive.' Darryl: 'I got it. I'm doing it.'

Andy · Kevin · Unknown:Who's in? [for warehouse duty] / As long as you guys don't need me up here. / I think we'll be fine. / No, we don't.

Andy · Unknown:Is chivalry dead? Are you volunteering? Of course I would. But my hip... I would kill to be at 100%.

Andy:And Kevin. Good old Kevin. He'll do anything.

Darryl · Andy:Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.

Andy:Welcome, everybody. My name is Andy, and this is my other brother, Darryl. / What? No Newhart fans?

Andy:One of them, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club. But on a boat. And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals.

Andy:Maybe grab a coffee, or if there's any donuts out, you can split one. You know, they're for everybody, so people get fussy. You know what? Just have a donut.

Darryl · Job Applicant · Andy:Why do you want to work here? / I need a job. / It's not a good reason. / Good. Keeping them honest. Don't just take the first job that comes your way. 'Cause next thing you know, it's 10 years later, and you're still there.

Andy · Darryl:You could write your obituary tomorrow. It's not going to change. / Are we scaring them straight? I hope so. / Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.

Andy · Job Applicant · Darryl:Is everyone licensed? / Like a driver's license? / No, warehouse license. / Masters in warehouse sciences? / I feel that Darryl has talked about a license of some kind. Is this a joke? / No. Not joking. This is real. Painfully real, what is happening right now.

Andy:Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap?

Darryl · Andy:Then I think you should fire me. / What are you talking about? I'm not going to fire you. / Yeah, just put me out of my misery.

Andy:So Darryl says to me 'fire me,' but what he really means is 'I'm going to say something really weird, try and figure out what it means.' So I say 'No, you're not fired.' But what I really mean is 'I've no idea what you're talking about, but I'm going to go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.' / I really hope that's what he and I mean.

Andy:Andy calls out to someone: 'Hey, idiot, what did Erin want again?' Person answers: 'A hot chocolate tea.'

Andy · Job Applicant:You, coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that? / Made it.

Andy:What a cross section we have here. It's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet, or know or even talk to.

Andy · Kevin:Message in a Bottle, The Postman... / Kevin Costner. / Kevin Costner, yeah.

Darryl · Andy:Make me manager or fire me. / I'm not going to give you my job. It's my job! I earned it! / And here's the thing. You weren't even next in line. I asked about you. I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people, and you hired Glenn, your buddy, to replace you in the warehouse. He was under-qualified. They saw that.

Darryl · Andy:He died. / He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive.

Andy · Darryl · Unknown Interjector:And I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it? / What was... What was the last... I'm having a... / No part of this has anything to do with you.

Andy · Darryl:I didn't have time because of my daughter. But you had time for a softball clinic. And a Mediterranean cooking class. / Hey, I'm not going to tell you this stuff if you're going to throw it back in my face!

Jim · Dwight · Andy:And we did. / I don't know. / Jim, tell them what it's called. / That's all right. / No, Jim, tell them what the name is. / Doesn't matter what the name is. / Señor Loadenstein, that's stupid. / Señor Loadenstein.

Andy:Yeah. I lost my client.

Andy · Colleague:Andy excitedly asks about the billboard campaign, not yet knowing it's been defaced with phallic graffiti

Andy:Andy's reaction upon learning the billboard says '20 dongs' — 'Great billboard. Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it. Loved it.' when asked which one he saw

Andy:Andy: 'I promise to be under-bearing for a week if you guys just all step it up.'

Andy:'This is not a picnic, Phyllis. It's a garden party. There are rules.'

Andy · Colleague:Andy's description of 'Connecticut casual' dress code, and someone asking if it's 'Pennsylvania business, i.e., this is what I'm wearing to your party'

Andy:Andy singing along to his family's video: 'It's my dad and my brother / I would have joined in but this melody doesn't really support another harmony part, so'

Andy:Andy's awkward cover story: 'Did Robert California get an invite? Yeah, of course. I mean, yeah. I think he did.'

Andy:Andy to Mable: 'Mable, Mable, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.'

Andy · Mr. Bernard · Mrs. Bernard:Andy's parents arrive and immediately correct that Andy is not the CEO but merely the regional manager: 'I thought you were the CEO.' / 'I don't know how you got there. You said you were running the company.' / 'This branch. I'm the regional manager.' / 'That makes more sense.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That's crazy. No, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves. Which, as a matter of fact, they did last week. They threw one for my baby brother, and it was totally amazing. But I couldn't care less.'

Andy:Andy's toast strategy: 'Toasts are great. I mean, you toast somebody, they toast you back. It just goes round and round. That's my favourite part about toasts, the reciprocity.'

Gabe · Andy:Gabe to Andy: 'Why are you talking to Stanley's mistress?' — whispering at the party

Andy · Oscar · Others:Two separate people attempt to toast Robert California — Oscar then someone else — and Andy intervenes: 'You can't triple-toast somebody. At least not until we hit everyone once.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy tries to continue his toast to Robert immediately after Robert finishes — 'From the moment you entered our building and our hearts, you—' — then gets immediately cut off by Dwight announcing Walter Jr.

Andy · Mr. Bernard:Andy and his father try to perform 'More Than Words' — the guitar is too high-pitched and they argue about the key while guests watch uncomfortably

Andy:Andy: 'Is anyone filming this? Seriously. Erin!'

Andy:Andy's terrible sales call to Cece Halpert (a baby): 'Hello, Cece Halpert. This is Andrew Bernard. I'd very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs.'

Andy:'That wasn't even my worst sales call.'

Mr. Bernard · Andy:Mr. Bernard confronts Andy privately: 'I'm not going to tell you how impressed I am that you're a manager of some rinky-dink branch of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.'

Andy · Unknown Guest:Andy's apology to the party: 'Hey, everybody. I'm going to leave and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry.' / 'Cheeseburger or hamburger?'

Oscar · Andy:Oscar calling Andy 'Nard-Dog' — Andy's reaction of genuine, childlike gratitude

Andy:Chef from South Park. It's genius. Just some chef.

Andy:I have three simple rules: don't be offensive, don't be cliché, and don't take the first two rules too seriously.

Unknown Employee · Andy:The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The one who sacrifices his life. Whoa! Spoiler alert. It's been out for ages, man.

Andy · Ryan · Angela:What are you? Some kind of Jamaican zombie woman? / Ryan: Whoopi Goldberg. / Has no one here heard of Kerrigan from StarCraft?

Andy:It's all Toby's fault. Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing: you can't bring weapons into the office. And every year he says the same thing: 'As soon as I get my weapons back, I'm going to kill you.' But there I am at Thanksgiving, alive, you know? I'm a lucky turkey.

Andy:I just got a text from Broccoli Rob. 'Boo!' It scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California: 'Looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high.' Scared the * out of me.

Andy · Pam:G'day, Pameroo. Could you shoot this off for me? / Pam's reaction to Andy's random Australian accent.

Erin · Andy:What are you doing? I just wanted to see how you do it. If you're doing something I don't...

Robert California · Andy:Looks like we're under a Jack attack. / And you, on this day of fantasy, are a labourer.

Darryl · Andy:Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party? / November's sure creeping up, ain't it? You can't stop that month.

Robert California · Andy · Multiple Office Members:What the hell is going on here? / Okay, I think we've seen enough. You can turn it off now. / Kill it. / How'd you get in my car?

Erin · Andy:All I knew is that you wanted to have a talk with me at the end of the day, and I got nervous, so... / Did you think I was going to fire you? / No, I wasn't.

Andy · Erin:She's never come by, so. And she's never called here. / Unless it's your mom. / No, I didn't want her to call because I thought it would be weird, but now it's weird that she's not calling.

Erin · Andy:Two dates? / Three dates? / Thirty-one. / Wow. / I'm so happy for you guys. Um. Let me know when you get to 40.

Andy:Andy sings 'Closing Time' as an end-of-day office tradition, belting it out while employees look on with varying degrees of tolerance

Andy:Andy storms off: 'You know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys but if you don't want to sing, no traditions.' Then immediately turns back and sings the outro.

Robert California · Andy:Robert calls Kevin and Oscar 'Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum' then clarifies: 'Who are they? They're both Kevin.'

Angela · Andy:Angela's flat response to Robert: 'Andy, sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.' Followed by Andy: 'I would agree with that.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy: 'Have I not been a reliable number two?' / Dwight: 'Do not go there.' / Andy: 'You're the deuce I never want to drop.'

Andy · Dwight:Dwight: 'I will do my voodoo.' / Andy: 'Go do the voodoo that you do so we—' / Dwight: 'I will do my voodoo.'

Andy · Kelly:Kelly's email PS: 'We should kill him.' / Robert's reaction-beat read as Andy delivers it flatly: 'That's not that bad, actually.'

Andy:Andy's reaction to learning five strikes have been reached: 'I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.' [pulls out bottle]

Kevin · Andy:Kevin: 'Can you tell me now where paper comes from?' / Kevin: 'The man tree puts its penis...' / Andy: 'Okay. All right.'

Andy · Pam · Kevin:Andy's plan: 'Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you, and your breasts are enormous, that could help us.' / Kevin's assignment: 'Kevin has that lovability.'

Andy · Jim:Jim about Robert's location: 'He's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash.' / Jim: 'I'll try both.'

Andy · Erin:Andy's elaborate scheme to impress a client by staging a fake important phone call that he'll heroically refuse to take

Andy · Erin · Client:The back-and-forth where Andy insists his mom isn't dead while Erin doubles down ('She was hit by a bus'), and everyone escalates around the bewildered client

Andy · Darryl:Did she have any last words? / That is messed up.

Andy:Erin, please hold all my other calls.

Darryl · Kevin · Andy:Nice scatting, man. I think I said 'doop' instead of 'boop' at one point. / Not bad, fellas. You're better than you look. / Screw you!

Kevin · Andy:Kevin: 'We're called Kevin and the Zits.' Andy/others: 'That was never agreed upon.'

Andy · Kevin:Guys, Robert is gonna be a Zit. / Again, never agreed upon.

Andy · Kevin · Darryl:I had given up on hanging out with Robert, and now he wants to be in our band. And in a rock n' roll band, you're bonded for life. Usually that life is short and tragic. / That's okay, right? / Yeah, even cooler.

Darryl · Andy · Kevin:We had to leave because of creative differences. / Yeah, they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing. / Guys, this means... They're Kevin and the Zits now. / No, man... We are.

Andy:Hey. All right, obviously we all want to die, but we have to get through this

Andy:Customers, clients, it's like a war out there. I am a leader, but you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today, I'm turning the inspire factor up to 10 — with a little help from my friend, America's bloodiest battle.

Andy:Why even read business books? We should be studying war.

Andy · Unknown Employee:And is anyone kosher or halal? / What's the halal option? / Dates, tabouleh and bagel with cream cheese. / Out. / You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there.

Andy:I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg.

Andy:Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.

Andy:Phyllis, think fast! [throws sandwich at Phyllis]

Andy:All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy The Civil War.

Andy:It's just not appropriate. If we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it, I'd be rooting for it... Limitless, Limitless, Limitless, Limitless, Limitless!

Andy:Fun fact: In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.'

Andy:The Andy Bernard Tour... After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley right through here. They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called 'lunch.'

Andy:Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. It makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments... elementary schools.

Andy:Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln. Some people call me the 'Great Emancipator,' but you might know me from the penny.

Andy:I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours. I have saved the very soul of our nation and yet, happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.

Jim · Andy · Unknown Employee:By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus? / Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought. / Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast, and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.

Andy · Jim · Darryl:Hunger for victory. Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride. / Hunger for hamburgers. / Hunger for chicken chimichangas.

Andy · Unknown Employee:I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. It cost me $200. / Only $200?

Andy:Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Jerk right, jerk left, jerk!

Andy · Jim:I'm still going, and I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm just going to assume that you're with me. [walks off, pauses] / You said you weren't going to look back.

Andy:Yeah, I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.

Andy · Jim:You don't like the hats? / They're terrible. / I hate myself.

Andy:The world will little note nor long remember the fight that Jim and I had here at Gettysburg. And that's good, because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be like this army and I was their general. But I guess it's really just more like they're people who work in an office and I'm their manager. Yeah, that's really probably a better analogy. Now that I think about it.

Andy:Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. / Oh, Mary, this is wonderful. / Okay, Mary, stop your scolding. I'll be quiet. / I need her like I need a hole in the head. / [Bang!]

Andy:Andy fills out a form and writes 'Andrew Baines Bernard,' then says 'I love filling these out because it's like, oh, I'm taking a test but I know the answers.'

Robert California · Andy:Robert California storms in: 'In four seconds, my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I don't know. He wasn't talking to me. But if I were you, I wouldn't hire his wife.'

Andy · Robert California:Andy: 'I would love to, but I have to be completely honest with you guys. We're 100% staffed up.' Robert: 'Andy, let's see if there's a good fit first then we'll talk.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy knocks on a door while saying 'Knock, knock, knock.' Dwight: 'You don't have to say it if you're doing it.'

Andy · Ryan:Andy: 'All right, well it was really nice to meet you, Brian.' Ryan: 'Ah, it's actually Ryan.' Andy: 'Oh, Ryan. Yeah.' Ryan (under his breath): 'Bitch.'

Andy:'We will start here at Erinville.' — Andy has named the reception area after Erin.

Andy · Erin:Andy: 'Although, I was watching a movie and Meryl Streep had two secretaries.' Erin: 'I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.'

Robert California · Andy:Robert: 'Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring. Wouldn't you agree, Andy?' Andy: 'I'll explore exploring it.'

Andy:Andy's tour: 'Next stop on the tour, sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy, our resident truth teller. All right, have at it, let her rip. What do you hate about this place?'

Andy · Dwight:Andy: 'Dwight, why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies?' Dwight: 'Oh... Survival skills. Ranking of animals.' Andy: 'Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'How am I supposed to pull this off? The entire office is being nicer to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room-clearing farts right now.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy suggesting accounting as a fit for Mrs. California: 'I really clicked with Oscar, and I do have some experience with bookkeeping.' Accountants: 'We already have a surplus of accountants.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.'

Robert California · Andy:Robert calls his grandmother mid-conversation: 'Hello? Say hello, grandma.' Then coaches Andy: 'Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second.'

Robert California · Andy:Robert to Andy on the phone while grandma listens: 'You numbskull! You were given a very simple task.' Then: 'Now say, Are you taking your medicine?' Andy: 'Are you taking your med-meds?'

Robert California · Andy:Robert: 'You didn't say good-bye to your grandmother.' Andy: 'We promised we'd never say good-bye.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy's staff meeting: 'Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.' Oscar: 'Andy, if he didn't want her working here, then why did you hire her?'

Andy:Andy: 'Oscar, it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.'

Andy:Okey-dokey, artichokey.

Susan California · Andy:Susan: 'My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?' Andy: 'Yes. The dude is an enigma.'

Jim · Andy:Jim is found by Robert and Susan. Jim: 'No, no. No, no, no. Don't. Damn it, Tuna.'

Andy · Robert California:Andy confesses Robert's exact words: 'Robert storms in and he says, in four seconds my wife's gonna be in here, I told her she could work here, under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.' Robert: 'You lying son of a bitch.'

Robert California · Andy:Robert: 'Where's Jim?' Andy: 'He just rolled out and crawled out.' Robert: 'Can you call security, tell them to keep an eye out for him?'

Andy · Susan California:Susan to Andy as she leaves: 'You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him.' Andy: 'Especially me.'

Andy:Andy introduces himself as 'the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true' while clearly wearing a Santa suit and taking his role extremely seriously

Andy · Stanley:Stanley: 'I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. Might not have been the best idea.'

Andy · Erin:Andy reveals he brought his bicycle to be Erin's designated driver 'in the event that you drink too much, which is by no means required'

Andy:An unnamed character's Christmas wish is to not attend 'meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood' — Andy says he can't grant it but did get them an acre of property on the moon

Andy · Jim:Andy's biggest wish is that everyone get along with his girlfriend Jessica, then: 'She's not your grandmother, is she?' / 'Ugh, gam gam's name is Ruth, Jim. You should know. I introduced you on speaker phone that time.'

Andy:Andy: 'Jessica is my super serious girlfriend who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way, our repartee.'

Andy:Andy: 'mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault. And don't go near gam gam.'

Kelly · Andy:Kelly: 'Just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica, if you want me to be. Oh, no, no, it's fine, Kelly. It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.'

Andy:Andy: 'I hate to have to take my Santa hat off and put on my hard ass hat' — then physically switches to a different hat labeled accordingly

Andy:Andy: 'I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand. Monet.' [beat] 'Money.'

Andy:Andy talking head: 'My ex is meeting my sex. Which is always scary. You know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis. That's just part of it.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?' — then later is asked if the porcupine has been quilled — 'Yes, I was quilled.' / 'And what's its name?' / 'Henrietta.' / 'Oops.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight: 'Fingerprints can be planted. You know, with a severed hand—' [everyone stares] 'Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?'

Angela · Andy:Angela about the porcupine: 'You might want to run that by Angela. 'Cause it's so cute.' [Angela] 'No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs.'

Dwight · Andy:Animal control asks the porcupine's name; Dwight answers 'Henrietta,' then says 'Oops.' Andy: 'What?' Dwight: [silence]

Andy · Jim:Andy watching Erin be drunk: 'That's, uh, that's the girl you dated.' / Jim: 'Um, yeah, she's not really like that.' / Andy: 'She seems fun.' / Jim: '...Yeah, uh, excuse me.'

Erin · Andy:Drunk Erin to Andy: 'I don't want to put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take an apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.'

Erin · Andy:Erin: 'I'd said I wish Jessica was dead.' / Andy: 'You — you mean you wish she wasn't here or something.' / Erin: 'I wish she was in a graveyard under the ground with worms coming out of her mouth.'

Erin · Andy:Erin: 'You promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So which one are you, a murderer or a liar?'

Andy · Robert California:Andy Santa hat-check: 'You all right, Santa?' — Andy asks himself/Robert two-friends-sleeping-together rhetorical question

Kelly · Jessica · Andy:Kelly leans into Jessica and whispers something — then Andy looks over and: 'Jessica, did you just fart?'

Andy:Andy: 'Thank God Erin's getting a ride home with Robert, 'cause she is trashed. And who better to drive her home than Robert? I mean, what a standup guy... Separating from his wife, showing up at the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith loading her junk/treasures into Andy's car as designated driver: 'It's my valuables! It's my treasures!' — Andy: 'You're a hoarder, my God!' — Meredith: 'No, I'm not! I'm gonna sell it on eBay!'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith, in the car: 'Where are we? This ain't my street.' / Andy: 'Shh, shh, shh, shh.' / Meredith: 'Mmm, this is the posh part of town, huh?'

Andy:Andy pulls up outside Robert California's house and sees Erin and Robert on the porch — 'Oh, my God.' [camera reaction implied]

Meredith · Andy:Andy driving away: 'Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood.' / Meredith: 'Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.'

Unknown · Andy:Someone singing '♪ I'ma love you downstairs tonight ♪' during the group distraction purge, repeated despite Andy's attempts to move on

Andy:Andy getting increasingly unhinged about the concept of infinity as a sales pitch: 'There is an INFINITY of things you can do with paper!'

Andy:'Let's get high on our own supply!' — Andy pitching the office to buy their own paper

Andy:'...and, the next quarter, I need to sell the $2,200 of paper that's in my garage.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy's plan to make a fake accounting error: 'So make that error!' — Oscar refuses because it's not his kind of thing, Andy says 'I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing'

Oscar · Andy:'It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a $1,000 prize.' / 'What?' — Andy's total confusion at the word 'Triviocalypse'

Andy · Jim · Others:Andy interrupting Oscar's trivia bar story: 'Stop right there. I love it.' / 'I'm in.' — before Oscar even finishes explaining

Andy:'I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought, I was like, this sounds really stupid.' — Andy admitting his own plan was stupid only after everyone agreed

Andy · Oscar:Andy shows up at the bar: 'How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy's response to 'What does this say about you?' — 'That I believe in my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything.' / Oscar: 'Not anything.'

Andy · Oscar · Kevin · Meredith · Kelly · Erin:The team self-sorting into A-team, Backup, and 'Good-timers' — with clear visual implication that Kevin and other weak players self-select into the good-timers group

Andy · Others:Dwight's A-team reaction beat: 'Except...' followed by an implied long pause at [10:08]

Andy:Scoreboard reveal: 'Dunder-Mifflin A-team has four points.' followed by 'So, the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands and brains of Kevin, Meredith, Erin, and Kelly.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Do I like these odds? My answer is no.'

Andy:Andy's closing speech: 'here's a piece of trivia... A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So, if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.'

Andy · Oscar · Team:The office discovers the bar is hosting the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships with a $4,500 prize — four times what they expected

Andy:Andy: 'Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.' — when they discover it's a championship

Andy:Andy on the phone with Jessica: 'I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on... I'm taking an Italian class. So far I have learned tortellini, spaghettini, linguine.'

Andy:Andy clarifies: 'Well, it's not so much a class as a restaurant. But I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 7:00 to 9:00.'

Andy:Andy blurts 'Jessica, I love you' then immediately: 'That's a message from my mom.'

Andy:Andy: 'I haven't proposed to anyone in years.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Mom took the main diamond out. She thought that had more of a 'my little brother' kind of vibe to it.'

Andy · Erin:Andy hits on Erin about her car: 'It's great, you know, reliable, great mileage.' Andy: 'How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain.' Erin: 'Well, I can't, I'm going skiing with Jessica.'

Andy · Erin:Andy: 'Couple of dopes on the slopes.' Erin: 'Oh. Like a goodbye trip?' Andy: 'No. What?'

Kelly · Andy:Kelly finds the ring in the pool: 'I just found this insane engagement ring! Is anyone missing this? The main stone's missing.' Kelly: 'It looks pretty great to me.'

Dwight · Andy:Erin proposes chicken fights. Dwight: 'I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all.' Andy: 'No thanks.' Dwight: 'Dang it!'

Creed · Andy:Creed to Andy: 'Same old party, same old people, am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis' birthday.' Andy: 'Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis' birthday.' Creed: 'I know. But boy, that Erin, she sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Meow!'

Andy · Creed:Andy: 'Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation. So I just want to make sure that you are completely 100% done with Erin.' Creed: 'Last I checked I'm with Jessica and I like to get my mongo on.'

Creed · Andy:Creed tells Andy he can 'go crazy' on Erin: 'Just go nuts... With sex.' Andy: 'Have at it.' Creed: 'Or take it slow, whatever you guys work out.'

Andy:Andy's reaction to Creed's advice: talking head or camera look — 'You're an idiot.' (directed at himself, implied).

Erin · Andy:Erin steps on Andy's ring: 'So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours.' Andy: 'Yeah.' Erin: 'Oh. Wow.' Andy: 'How did you know it was mine?' Erin: 'The Bernard family seal, duh.' Andy: 'Duh.'

Andy · Erin:Erin: 'Sorry if your special night was ruined.' Andy: 'Oh, whoa, whoa, no it's not a special night.' Erin: 'Oh, you weren't going to do it?' Andy: 'Honestly, Erin, I don't know what I'm doing.'

Andy:Tuna wrap. Okay. Hand roll.

Andy · Jim:Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets? / It was actually a pretty boring case. / How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.

Jim · Toby · Andy:Oh man, Ernesto's! That was our favorite restaurant too. / You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck. / Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.

Andy:I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere.

Andy · Gabe:Gabe, bring it in. How many of you have seen a premature baby before? It's going to be really tiny so please don't say anything offensive. Got that, bimbo? / Got it, bimbo.

Andy · Dwight:Andy force-feeding Dwight a chill pill / 'Down the hatch, good. Now, chill.' / Dwight reluctantly swallowing it.

Dwight · Andy:But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty — you would have to fire him, right? / Yeah, sure. Of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu.

Andy:You ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up? No. / You know why you never heard of it? / Covered it up.

Andy:They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps. / My nickname was actually King Butt because I had a king-sized butt.

Andy:Usually I'm a burrito guy but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.

Andy · Dwight · Jim:Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there. / Why? / Because my car broke down.

Andy:I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?

Andy:I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your [bleep].

Dwight · Andy:And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse. / Uh, I did. Every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.

Andy · Phyllis:Uncle Andy. / Oh. / Aunt Phyllis. / Wow.

Andy:There is crosshatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a 2-year-old.

Andy · Jim:Hey, Cece — why don't you draw another picture for us exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style? / You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command. That's very weird. Just take that. Thank you.

Jim · Andy:So, you guys, you know what's an even more useful treat is cash, so-- Nope, it's over.

Dwight · Andy:You can't tantalize me. Oh, maybe I can.

Jim · Andy:We're pin twins. / Pin twins.

Andy:This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift, really. Real gifts come later.

Jim · Andy:Two question marks. / No, just do one. / Two question marks is kind of aggressive. You know, it's like, 'wh-- what?'

Andy · Dwight:You want to take Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela, and Oscar? Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like a-- A Creed or a Meredith perhaps? / Oh, my God.

Andy:They're not expendable, exactly, I just can't-- I can't think of the word I'm trying to find.

Jim · Andy:It's perfect. You emphasized the golf, completely omit the Florida. / Yeah, it's a golf text. / Total golf text, send it.