Murder

Michael:Michael introduces a self-defense class with the framing: 'as we all know, the one thing that thousand-year-old martial arts do all the time is change.'

Michael:Michael's scenario: 'You are all members of the yakuza, and you happen to be visiting the lackawanna trolley museum, and you are attacked by triads. How can you hold them off until your clan arrives?'

Michael:Michael's self-defense advice: 'You cannot go wrong with a throat punch.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin refuses to attack Michael: 'No way. Last time, you pulled my pants down, and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.' Michael: 'False. I did choke you with your shoelace.'

Michael:Michael confirms that his most worthy opponent is himself, then immediately qualifies: 'That is correct, unless there happen to be measles present.'

Dwight:Dwight fights himself — attacking himself with a throat punch, blocking, grasping his own wrist, then the demonstration escalates into Dwight genuinely struggling against his own body.

Jim · Pam:Jim's reaction beat: 'Oh my god, he's making you look like such a fool.' Pam: 'He really is, but not for long.'

Dwight:The self-fight climaxes with both 'sides' of Dwight losing control: 'You let go! You let go! Oh, you're right, I can't hold on!'

Michael:Michael: 'The important thing to remember, Jim, is we always have what is called the element of surprise.' — delivered while the fight is ongoing and Michael himself has been watching the chaos he created.

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'I did stand-up comedy once. I killed.'

Michael:Michael: 'I get like eight emails a day.' (as if this is an enormous quantity)

Erin · Michael:Erin mishears 'the Journal' as Michael's personal feelings journal: 'Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.'

Michael:Michael: 'Oh, the wall.' (in response to being told he means the Wall Street Journal online)

Jim · Oscar · Ryan:The article about Dunder Mifflin declaring bankruptcy cuts off mid-sentence and costs $1.99 to finish.

Dwight:Dwight offers everyone jobs at Schrute Farms 'as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.'

Michael:Michael ends a phone call with David Wallace with: 'I'll catch you on the flippity-flip.'

Michael · Erin:Michael emerges from the bathroom. Erin asks if he threw up. Michael: 'No, just poopin'. You know how I be.' Erin: 'But it smells like throw-up in here.' Michael: 'Crazy world, lotta smells.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I like Erin. There, I said it.'

Andy:Andy's talking head concludes: 'It is time for the nard-dog to take matters into his own paws.'

Jim · Michael:Jim tries to calm the office: 'Monkey see, monkey do.' Michael: 'Monkey pee all over you. That... rhymes.'

Oscar:Oscar is giving a dry, detailed coupon code update in a staff meeting about the letter O vs. zero confusion — while the office is in potential financial collapse.

Dwight:During the coupon meeting: 'He needs me. Seat-save infinity.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: '"Battleship" got me through my parents' divorce. "Operation" got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation.'

Michael:Michael: 'I don't think I would have been able to endure my break-up with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.'

Michael:Jim pushes back on the game idea; Michael responds: 'This is my call, Jim. Big picture stuff. It's about murder.'

Jim:Jim's talking head explains 'Tube City': Michael's plan to run plastic tubes all over the office and place hamsters inside of them.

Michael:Michael assigns characters for the game. To the character who talks slowly in real life: 'Your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.'

Andy · Erin:Andy gets character card 'Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and... Nellie's brother.' — reacting with dawning horror to the sibling relationship with his potential love interest's character.

Kevin:Kevin is assigned 'Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps': 'I'm not comfortable with this.'

Michael:Michael complains about his character 'Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy': 'Every night, a different woman, being oogled, having to hug and kiss and spoon. Oh! I make them feel beautiful.'

Jim · Michael:Jim checks his BlackBerry in character; Michael: 'It's my BlackBerry, Michael. I'm trying to get updates on the company.' Michael: 'Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.'

Jim · Michael:Jim: 'You don't have to keep saying, I do declare. Anytime you say something it means you're declaring.' Michael: 'That is the way southern people talk.' Jim: 'And what designing woman are you basing that on?' Michael: 'Delta Burke, I do declare.'

Pam:Pam introduces herself as 'Deborah Utante' and someone remarks: 'That's clever. Debutante.'

Michael:Michael describes the Savannah accent as 'more like molasses, just sort of spillin' out of your mouth.'

Oscar · Michael · Kevin:Oscar: 'Now do the Swedish Chef.' Michael: 'Uh, I'm not familiar. What province is he from?' Kevin: 'He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.'

Dwight:The butler (Dwight or another) goes full class-warfare on the accusation: 'You rich people! You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!'

Dwight:Dwight (as butler): 'I will poison your food.'

Andy · Michael:Andy (as Nathaniel) arrives late, is told 'Sir, there has been a murder and you are a suspect.' Andy: 'Okay. Hang on just a second. Let me settle in and I'll be right back.'

Michael:Michael: 'I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really divin' into their characters. Y'all...' [long pause] 'I made a mistake.'

Andy · Erin:Andy (as Nathaniel) asks 'Nellie' (Erin) out on a date within the game — she accepts in character — both grinning.

Kevin:Kevin (as Voodoo Mama Juju) explains his dark arts: 'It's not my fault. I was exposed to Harry Potter.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight (mid-accusation) pivots to ask Phyllis out: 'Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Phyllis (as Nellie): 'Well, you know old Nellie is always up for a romp in the hay.' Dwight: 'How 'bout a threesome?' Phyllis: 'My boudoir's always open.' Dwight: 'Nice.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin, which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone, and she might be a murderer.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar tries to deliver real news about stopped vendor payments; Michael refuses to engage until Oscar delivers it in character with a Southern accent.

Oscar:Oscar (in forced Southern accent): 'This here plantation, we're runnin' low on, uh, greenbacks, and we're havin' problems payin' the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay 'em.'

Michael:Michael insists the narrator's reveal is 'a misdirection': 'We still don't know who the murderer is.'

Michael:Jim trying to restore order while Michael wanders calling: 'Nellie Nutmeg, come back in heyah! I can't do this mahself. Voodoo Mama Juju! What am I gonna do?'

Kevin · Jim · Andy · Erin:Kevin: 'I was just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. So funny. The guy's dead the whole time.' Jim: 'I haven't seen it.' Kevin: 'Speaking of weekends — you excited about our date this weekend?'

Andy · Erin:Andy (as Nathaniel) offers Erin (as Nellie) a date at 'The finest steakhouse in all Savannah.' Erin: 'Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin simultaneously deny the date was real. Andy: 'Did you mean a real date?' Erin: 'No.' Andy: 'Totally not.' — both clearly disappointed.

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I thought it was for real... so I was excited, but it was just — it was part of the game.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael (as Caleb Crawdad) is interrogating Dwight (as himself) about an attack with water. Dwight: 'I already declared you it was too dark to tell!' Michael: 'Stop playing games with me, Crawdad! This is not a game! This is my life!'

Jim · Pam:Pam and Jim's private conversation about the bankruptcy: Jim: 'I'm trying to think of a way this all ends up fine, and I can't think of one.'

Michael · Pam:Michael sees Pam stressed and says 'Deb, what in the world? Do you have the vapors?' — immediately trying to pull her back into the game.

Michael · Dwight:Michael is lying on the floor as a dead body with 'brain chunks' around him. 'I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks.' Dwight: 'Hey, shut up. You're dead.'

Michael · Jim:Jim tries to pull Michael aside to talk seriously. Michael: 'They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game, all right?'

Michael · Erin:Erin startles Michael, who dramatically clutches his chest: 'You startled me! My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest.'

Michael · Erin:Erin tells Michael it's David Wallace on the phone. Michael (as Caleb): 'Tell him I'm not heyah.' Erin: 'You're not gonna answer the phone?' Michael: 'No, I only answer to Detective Wallace, 'cause I got a warm body in the other room.'

Jim · Pam · Office:Jim reports back on Wallace's call: 'What's the news?' Jim (beat): 'Nothing yet.' — but we saw the call where Wallace said the company is insolvent.

Jim:After receiving devastating news from David Wallace, Jim tells the office: 'Nothing yet.' Cut to Jim looking at camera.

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I think today was a good day to have two managers, because if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'My little heart can barely take it no more.' — completely in character as his Southern game persona, about the murders.

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.'

Michael · Dwight · Office:The final game standoff: Michael calls for everyone to put down their guns. Dwight: 'I have crossbows.' Michael: 'We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three.' Count reaches 'two' — long pause — then 'three' — another pause — 'three.'

Jim:Narrator: 'Andy revealed himself to be a double agent, at which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing he also was a double agent, and then Michael announced to everybody that, get this, he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.'

Jim:'Oh, and it is 6:00.' [End of workday; everyone's still in character and doesn't care]

Office:The episode ends with the office still in-character chaos: 'It wasn't me! I'm not goin' down for this! Hey, I want to go home. Get the keys out of my purse, start the car.'