Meredith Palmer

Meredith · Dwight:Meredith: 'Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.' Dwight: 'I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.' Meredith: 'A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.'

Meredith:Meredith's confessional: 'I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.' Off-camera voice: 'No you don't.'

Michael · Meredith:Michael mocking Meredith's movie choices (Legends of the Fall, Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blonde): 'Wow. Wow. Legally Blonde. These movies are just...' and 'Unforgivable.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'And Ghost. But just that one scene.'

Meredith:Meredith's talking head — a single word: "Romances?"

Meredith · Jim:Meredith immediately steals the teapot — Jim's carefully curated gift for Pam enters the Yankee Swap chaos

Meredith:Meredith's confessional: "The deal is that this is my last hurrah. Cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week."

Meredith:'The deal is that this is my last hurrah. 'Cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore.' — pause — 'During the week.'

Michael · Meredith:Michael: 'They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an—' Meredith: 'Empty mind.' Michael: 'No, that's not... No. That's not what I was gonna say.'

Meredith · Jan:Meredith begins introducing herself in the women's seminar: 'Hi, I'm Meredith, and I'm an al...' — then cuts herself off and pivots to 'Good at supplier relations.'

Meredith:Meredith's talking head: 'In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.'

Meredith · Dwight:Meredith's daughter has apparently stolen items, and Meredith's response when they're returned is 'Oh, that's okay. She can keep those. Believe me, she has enough toys.'

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight attempts to kiss Meredith (revealed complaint), then insists 'Redact it. Redact it.' while Meredith muses 'I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.'

Michael · Meredith:Meredith: 'I have a lot of work to do.' Michael: 'I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them.'

Unknown · Meredith:At the Diwali celebration: 'Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?' — someone who apparently has a foot disease responds: 'Stop it. It's a disease. I told you.'

Kevin · Meredith:Kevin approaches Meredith on her 'last day': 'I know you're seeing someone, but I'm still willing if you are.' Meredith: 'What willing?'

Kevin · Meredith:Meredith says 'I did not say that. Was that not you?' and Kevin retreats with 'Never mind.'

Meredith:Meredith gets a call from Gary Trundell about their 'deal' — immediately agrees to be at his place in 20 minutes even after starting to correct him about the branch status.

unknown_employee · Meredith:I hear Angela's party will have double fudge brownies. / But it will also have Angela. / So, double fudge... Angela.

Meredith · Jim:Meredith claims she felt the bat bite her but there's no mark — then describes feeling 'tingly' and 'strangely powerful'

Meredith:Meredith gets tangled with the bat in her hair — physical chaos with screaming

Michael · Meredith:Meredith: 'Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.' Meredith: 'I don't remember doing that.' Michael: 'What a surprise.'

Michael · Meredith:Michael yelling 'Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead.' Meredith: 'Thanks. I know how to drive.'

Michael · Meredith:Michael: 'Oh. Yeah. You really shouldn't litter.' Meredith: 'My car. My rules.'

Michael · Office · Meredith:Michael brings balloons to the hospital room, one gets loose and gets tangled in Meredith's IV tubes/medical equipment — chaos ensues with nurses being called.

Michael · Meredith:Michael asks Meredith to forgive him in front of everybody: 'You know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to godliness.' / 'No, that's not what they...'

Dwight · Meredith · Intern:Meredith's chart reveals she was previously bitten by a bat (trapped by Dwight in a bag against her head), a raccoon, and a rat — 'Separate occasions.'

Michael · Meredith:Michael visits Meredith in the hospital and frames their situations as ironic parallels: 'It's ironic, isn't it? I mean, I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water and you're in it for a disease that causes a fear of water.' / Meredith: 'I'm in because you hit me with your car.'

Michael · Meredith:Meredith says she's not mad anymore; Michael says he's not mad either. The scene's absurd equivalence — as if Michael had anything to be mad about — is played straight.

Michael · Meredith:Final scene: Michael and Meredith eat together. Michael gestures to share food with her. She starts to refuse, then accepts. Michael: 'I'm not really sick.' She puts the food down. End scene.

Michael · Meredith:Michael and Meredith share food at the hospital. Meredith: 'I'm not really sick.' Michael: 'No, I'm good.'

Michael · Meredith:Meredith asks Michael to sign her cast; he singles her out for visiting her in the hospital as though she did him a favor by being hit by his car

Kevin · Meredith:What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday. So what if there's a lot of them? / I work hard all day. I like knowing there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.

Jim · Meredith:Good game, Meredith. Don't patronize me.

Unknown · Meredith:Some of us like the walk more than others. / It hurts like hell.

Meredith · Michael · Holly · Pam:Meredith takes photo: 'Oh let's do it again. Pam, your smile is weird.' Pam: 'It's digital, so just take as many as you want.'

Michael · Andy · Kevin · Meredith:Michael puts Kelly on a chair so the office can name her beautiful features. Andy: 'Hell of an ass.' Kevin: 'I wonder what people like about me.' / Meredith: 'Probably my jugs.'

Meredith:Meredith confesses she's been sleeping with a supplier for six years in exchange for paper discounts and Outback Steakhouse gift cards

Meredith:Meredith: 'Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?' — defending her choices by appealing to the steak's quality

Meredith:Meredith explains why she accepted steak coupons: 'After we did it, when he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself.'

Meredith · Holly:Meredith walks in asking 'Am I getting fired?' at precisely the wrong moment. Holly: 'Now is really not the time, Meredith.'

Meredith:Meredith brings steak sauce from her minivan to the reconvened ethics meeting — as Outback steak is being eaten

Michael · Meredith:Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi. / Hello. / I am ashamed at your naked face. / I must cover it with my jacket. / You are now sexy in your culture.

Oscar · Kevin · Meredith:The microwave note debate — 'The note is way more obnoxious than the mess. / Get off your high horse, richy. / Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich. / Nah. They're rich.'

Meredith:Meredith's party drink: 'This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. I call it a One of Everything.'

Meredith · Michael · Office Staff:Meredith catches on fire from a candle — office staff react: 'Oh oh oh! Burnin'! Make way, we got a live one! On fire!'

Meredith:Meredith, post-fire, simply says: 'I'm all right.'

Office Staff · Meredith:The fire victim (Meredith) is called 'fire girl' by someone — response: 'Too soon.'

Kevin · Meredith:Kevin's impact statement: Meredith gave him movie tickets because she was too drunk to go. 'And that was really cool.'

Michael · Meredith:Michael drives Meredith past bars and they reminisce about missing Poor Richard's — then rapidly list alternative bars: The Bog, Cooper's, Kelly's, Brixx's, Carmen's, The Fort, Andy Gavin's — 'I have a new place.'

Meredith · Office Staff:'Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music!' — followed by dancing and 'we're party girls'

Meredith · Michael:Meredith's forced rehab admission — screaming 'THERE IS NO WAY' repeatedly while being physically guided into the facility

Meredith · Dwight:Visual gag: a star-shaped weapon (shuriken/throwing star) is discovered taped under the kitchen table. Meredith: 'How'd that get there?'

Meredith:Meredith(?): 'If you're saying Hilary Swank isn't hot, then you're saying I'm not hot, because obviously I'm not as hot as Hilary Swank.'

Meredith:Meredith's roast list: 'A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a wood chipper, Kevin, a candle and Lord Voldemort' — things she'd make out with before Michael.

Meredith:Meredith: 'My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them, and when things went bad, they had a duel over me.'

Meredith:'Little Miss Thing wants attention.' — Meredith's reaction to Michael calling a meeting

Meredith:Been there, done that.

Meredith · Michael · Toby · Oscar:Meredith's progressive Casual Friday violations — skirt riding up, then boob out, then no panties

Kelly · Meredith:Kelly telling Meredith she looks like J-Lo in the inappropriate outfit

Meredith · Michael:Meredith speaks up: 'At least Jim was being direct.' Michael: 'Thank you, Meredith.' Meredith: 'When he was telling us his dumbass plan.'

Meredith · Dwight · Jim:Meredith has switched place cards to sit at the young people's table; Dwight casually reveals he switched his card with Erin's to sit at the head table.

Meredith · Andy · Michael:Meredith dancing wildly at the hotel bar — others: 'Yeah, Meredith! Nice moves!' 'You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, okay? Like this.'

Michael · Meredith:Meredith's small talk response: 'I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an upper-decker.'

Meredith · Dwight · Andy:Dwight and Andy are assumed to be a pregnant couple by the receptionist: 'Do you guys know the sex yet?'

Meredith · Michael:Meredith won't say her 'do not mock' item out loud, writes it on the board secretly — everyone looks anyway, and she gives a resigned 'What are you gonna do?'

Oscar · Michael · Meredith:Oscar: 'This is so typical of management to spend money on this. They're a bunch of boobs.' Michael: 'Hate to break it to you, Oscar, but some of us like boobs.' Meredith: 'Calves, calves all the way.'

Unknown Office Employee · Meredith:'It's hard for me to imagine a scenario where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not. No offense, Meredith.' Meredith: 'No, I get it.'

Meredith · David Wallace:Meredith on speakerphone with David Wallace: 'How about us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith gets a paper cut on her throat from Andy's stack of cards and says 'Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith: 'I am never getting married. Like Clooney.' Michael offers to match Andy; Andy: 'Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so...'

Michael · Creed · Meredith · Angela · Phyllis:Michael distributes leads to non-sales staff — 'King Creed,' 'King Meredith,' 'King Angela' — while salespeople object

Dwight · Meredith · Michael:Dwight: 'All right, Meredith. Take off your dress.' Meredith: 'Okey-dokey.' Michael: 'No. Dear god, no. It's in the trash can.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'It's coming off either way.'

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight interrupts Meredith mid-story about Anderson Cooper ('which I do not have the decency to repeat') to pursue Isabel

Meredith · Pam:Meredith is caught using Pam's breast pump: 'I just like the way it feels.' / Pam: 'Give it back to me, now!' / Meredith: 'I was just warming it up.' / Pam: 'That's... It's disgusting!' / Meredith: 'We're both girls. Who cares?'

Meredith:Meredith talking head: 'She's way out of his league. It'd be like me going for Sean Hannity.'

Meredith · Oscar:Meredith: 'Michael, I flirt with Oscar sometimes when I want him to do something for me.' Oscar: 'Why would you even say that? I don't find you even remotely attractive.'

Meredith:Meredith: "That is something I would never do. Well, I think we all know what you're capable of, Meredith. Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on or been used to cheat with. I ask everyone in the room, 'Are you in a relationship?'"

Michael · Meredith · Jim (or coworker):Michael steals Meredith's birthday cake because 'I have an appetite for life' — 'God, that's lemon. / Good for you, man. Good for you.'

Meredith:Meredith (or another character): 'That was more horrifying than Nunsense. All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.'

Meredith:Meredith casually announces she has herpes — 'I have it myself. That's what it is. I've never seen herpes on you. 'Cause it's on my genitals, genius.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith has a reaction (presumably the condom demonstration goes wrong) — 'It'll go away in time. Just don't touch it.' — implying the condom broke or something went wrong

Meredith:Hey! That's my mug. [Meredith, from inside the fake office, complains about the mug]

Meredith:Hel...lo! / Oh, no, no, no. Don't...

Meredith:That's a great set of shoulders you got there. What is that, genetics? Creatine? Sorry.

Danny · Meredith:We should think of this as a first date. / And I think it's going very well. How about you? / Real well. Uh... Feels more like a third date to me.

Meredith · Oscar:Meredith, I-- / Oh, Manuel. This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English. / Hola. ¿Que tal? / ¿Como estas? / Uh, Manuel, cleano el window.

Michael · Meredith:Michael's confession to Danny: 'This is Meredith Palmer.' / Meredith: 'Pleased to meet you.' / Michael: 'Don't—stay away from him, please just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever.'

Jim · Meredith:Jim recruits Meredith for a task by asking about her reach and breath-holding ability. 'How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?'

Angela · Meredith:Angela explains the senator is fighting to eradicate park geese: 'You know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he's helping eradicate them as well.' Meredith: 'I mean, I think they've really become a pest.' 'Annoying.' 'Yes.'

Meredith · Ryan:Meredith announces her resolution was 'to get more attention.' Ryan immediately: 'Nope, she's lying.'

Pam · Meredith:Pam announces she might be pregnant mid-caffeine-discussion. Everyone reacts. Meredith: 'Oh, my resolution was to get more attention.' — reveals the resolution was actually made up on the spot in response to Pam's pregnancy news

Meredith:Sweet. Free ring.

Kevin · Meredith · Kevin:Gabe's mom... / Mm, Gabe's mom? / Wait, tall woman? Looks like Gabe? / Yeah, I banged her. / Yeah, there you go.

Michael · Toby · Meredith · Creed · Kevin · Others:Michael asks every person in the annex to marry him; each one says 'No' in turn — 'That marriage would be a sham.' / 'That would be hot. I would pay to see that.'

Michael · Deangelo · Meredith:Meredith answers the door in last night's clothes having clearly not come home; her door was unlocked and ajar

Meredith:Meredith excitedly invites Michael and Deangelo in for 'Vienna sausages and napkins' for breakfast

Michael · Meredith:Meredith Palmer wins 'Best Mom Dundie'; audience member: 'Say what?'

Meredith:Meredith accepts: 'I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going to be a good mom tonight!'

Michael · Jim · Meredith:Michael wants a photo of 'the best mom and the best dad' — Jim and Meredith are made to pose together

Andy · Jim · Pam · Dwight · Kevin · Erin · Oscar · Meredith · Angela · Stanley · Ryan:The office performs a parody of 'Seasons of Love' ('Rent') customized with Michael-specific details: 'You hit me with your car / You helped me get off drugs / I watch you when you sleep / I forgive you for kissing me'

Meredith · Angela:Meredith's erotic cake feminist defense: 'The women on these cakes, they're not just guys' fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing.' / Angela: 'Don't turn this into some feminist issue.' / Meredith: 'As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one.'

Meredith · Pam · Office Women:'Tell us the freaking story!' — group reaction to Angela's engagement.

Jim · Meredith · Others:Jim's response: 'Okay, fine. Uh, the guy with the tiny penis. Are you happy? Let's hire that guy! She may have a point there. Would a small penis work? Small to moderate.'

Robert California · Andy · Jim · Meredith:Winners return from lunch. Everyone claims they had an incredible time. Meredith/Pam: 'It was excellent.' 'Good times.' 'Yeah? Yeah?' 'Oh, we did.' 'It was the best time.' Robert: 'And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too, Andy.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith: 'Oh. Uh, is that a vibrator?' Andy: '20 points.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith: 'Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.' Andy: 'There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, 22 points.'

Unknown · Meredith:Can you make 10 copies of this for me? / No. / Why not? What are you doing? / Buying lottery tickets online. / Everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it.

Meredith:I stayed up all night and I watched that g.d. wedding and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day.

Meredith:You're the people's princess! Diana was nothing!

Colleague · Meredith:I thought you were at your sister's funeral. What I said was 'My sister's funeral is this weekend.' Didn't say I'd be there.

Meredith:Warms my heart thinking about them two kids... [pause] ...doing it.

Meredith:Hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub, tell the Man in Black I say hello.

Meredith · Pam:I just don't get it, Pam. You're a rational person. / Thank you. / Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs. How is this any less logical?

Pam · Meredith:Exactly. Thank you. Go! Get up there right now.

Meredith:Meredith's flat response to Kevin's plan: 'It's not that funny.'

Robert California · Meredith:Don't be afraid to get weird with it. [pause] Meredith [pause]

Meredith:If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time: 'This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me?' Well, now there is. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.

Meredith:Thought it was worth a try.

Meredith · Erin:Meredith trying to get Erin to take a shot: 'The fifth one is for you, Erin. You can take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine, too.'

Erin · Meredith:Erin takes the shot and yells 'Jiminy Christmas!' — Meredith echoes 'Jiminy Christmas, indeed' with satisfaction

Meredith · Andy:Meredith loading her junk/treasures into Andy's car as designated driver: 'It's my valuables! It's my treasures!' — Andy: 'You're a hoarder, my God!' — Meredith: 'No, I'm not! I'm gonna sell it on eBay!'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith, in the car: 'Where are we? This ain't my street.' / Andy: 'Shh, shh, shh, shh.' / Meredith: 'Mmm, this is the posh part of town, huh?'

Meredith · Andy:Andy driving away: 'Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood.' / Meredith: 'Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.'

Andy · Oscar · Kevin · Meredith · Kelly · Erin:The team self-sorting into A-team, Backup, and 'Good-timers' — with clear visual implication that Kevin and other weak players self-select into the good-timers group

Kevin · Meredith:The obscure French film question — answered correctly by the B-team because 'Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.'

Kevin · Meredith · Erin · Kelly:Final montage: The B-team rattling off answers — 'Riboflavin.' / 'Michigan.' / 'POTUS.' / 'John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath.' — with total confidence

Meredith · Erin:Meredith: 'It's no problem. You live right near me.' Erin: 'How do you know where I live?' Meredith: 'Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.'

Meredith · Erin:Erin: 'Why?' Meredith: 'He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.'

Meredith:He's licking on my finger just like my cat does.

Meredith · Phyllis:Meredith overhears 'black eye' as 'black guy in the office': 'Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?'

Meredith:Meredith: 'Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.'

Kevin · Meredith:'I'm even gonna kiss Meredith.' [Kiss] 'That is -- Hmm. That's... so good.'

Pam · Meredith:Pam's plan to throw a deliberately bad party: "It kind of makes me want to throw a really bad party. Yeah. On purpose."

Pam · Phyllis · Meredith:Pam: 'Like, not mean. Just a regular party. Not mean.' — Phyllis: 'I knew she'd crack. I wanted to leave you out, you know.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks.' / 'Suck it.'

Meredith:Meredith's confession: 'If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was 42. And then when I did, it lasted till I was 44. 43 was ju-- I got nothing done.'

Meredith:Meredith's talking head: 'Everybody told me if I moved to America I'd be murdered.'

Meredith · Pete:Meredith: 'Hey, New Jim. Come sit on my face.' Pete: 'No, thank you. My name's Pete.'

Andy · Meredith · Kevin:'Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.' Meredith: 'Cool.' Kevin: 'Stop it! Stop it, you're frightening me.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'I already ditched my uterus, and I ain't losing any more good parts!'

Dwight · Meredith · Nellie:Dwight chases Meredith with a net; chaos ensues with Dwight yelling 'The jig is up, Psychopath!'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith, upon hearing Andy's brother is in rehab, immediately asks 'Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.'

Andy · Meredith:'We're done, Meredith.' — Andy shutting down Meredith's follow-up question about how he's holding up

Meredith · Kevin:I hope you like being turned on all the time. Damn! It just keeps on coming, huh?

Meredith · Dwight:Come on in, the water's fine. Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on!

Meredith:I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me.

Meredith:If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes.

Meredith · Office:Meredith mishears 'Topless Christmas' for 'Tropical Christmas,' and then someone else proposes 'Tapas Swiss Miss — Spanish tapas and Swiss Miss hot cocoa. What's so hard to understand?'

Meredith:Wish my car had a bathroom.

Meredith · Dwight:Meredith: 'I love this hog mama.' Dwight: 'Dwight said it's hog maw.' Someone explains what maw is; Meredith reacts with disgust.

Meredith · Dwight:Meredith: 'So he's kind of like Santa?' Dwight: 'Except dirty and worse.' Someone: 'No! Much better! No one fears Santa the way they fear Belsnickel!'

Pam · Meredith:Pam says 'Morning, Meredith!' cheerfully; Meredith recoils and Pam winces — 'Yikes.'

Meredith · Pam:Meredith to Pam: 'Jesus H. in the morning, will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.' Pam: 'He didn't leave me. He just went part-time.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.'

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight to Meredith: 'God, Meredith! Lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?'

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight to Meredith: 'This is an office, it's not one of your beanbag orgies.'

Meredith:Meredith's talking-head: 'I know who I am. Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the Queen.'

Pam · Meredith:Pam approaches Meredith to confess about the lice and finds her shaving her own head with a lighter/hot wax to kill lice — 'Baking a cake. What does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.'

Meredith:Meredith, mid-waxing: 'You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.'

Meredith · Angela:Meredith appears bald: 'Sha-boom! How you like me now? Take a picture, it'll last longer.' / 'We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.' / 'Bald people make me sick.'

Meredith:Meredith's rebuttal: 'Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.'

Pam · Meredith:Pam offers Meredith something special from the store; Meredith asks for 'a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.'

Meredith:Meredith reacting to mayonnaise being applied to her newly-bald head: 'No! No! No! No! No!'

Kevin · Phyllis · Meredith:Kevin, Phyllis, and Meredith ambush Val with relationship advice: 'We think you made a big, big mistake. Big mistake. Quite enormous.'

Meredith:Meredith's speech to Val about loneliness: 'The men dry up and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you've never even worn. You stalk your old high-school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand and tell yourself you're all you need. One day you're alone, tired, at your feet, a dying bird. Where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because, in some strange way, it is you?'

Meredith:Meredith confronts Pam: 'Princess Fancy Pants, letting Jane Twelve Pack over here take the fall.'

Meredith:Meredith's response to Pam's apology: 'Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BM'ed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.'

Meredith:Meredith's account of her past office infractions: 'Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BM'ed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.'

Pam · Meredith:Pam tells Meredith she kind of looks like Elvis with the mayo hair

Meredith:Pam and Meredith go to a bar; Meredith gets the bartender's number while Pam was 'in the john': 'I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm going to take that freak to bone-town before the night is over.'

Meredith:Pam is talked into going for a beer by Meredith: 'No duh. Let's go, you're buying.'

Meredith:Meredith at the bar: 'I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm going to take that freak to bone-town before the night is over.'

Meredith:Meredith stands up to sing 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' — bald, possibly slightly drunk, with full commitment

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight notices Meredith's wig and asks what's wrong with it. She asks 'Is it on backwards?' He inspects it and confirms: 'Nope. You got it. You fixed it.'

Meredith · Angela:Meredith: 'Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby Aspirin?' Angela: 'Oh, enough with the whining already. Why don't you just have some more coffee?' Meredith: 'It's all gone.'

Angela · Meredith · Creed · Office staff:'Shut up.' 'You shut up!' 'Everybody shut up and work.' 'We don't work for you.' 'Yeah.' 'Yeah.'

Dwight · Meredith:The loyalty metaphor accidentally becomes personal — 'Let's all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships?' / 'Mmm. That's none of your damn business.'

Meredith · Brian:Meredith to Brian: 'When are you gonna boom me?'

Pam · Meredith:Pam: 'If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right?' Meredith: 'Meredith, I tell you all the time.' Pam: 'Walked right into that one.'

Meredith · Creed:Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall, which is so messed up. / It's 6782, not 83. / Uh, 6783's also a good time, less mileage.

Meredith:Meredith suggests they 'get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out, no consequences' for their last boss-less day.

Meredith:Jim says he won't rat on Andy. Meredith: 'Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no narc. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no narc. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover? Hi.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'I can't be around sad people. It makes me sad. I'm the same way with horny people.'

Meredith:Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.

Meredith:Cloken tre pige. Tre pige. '3:00 p.m. girl.' What? Why would they...

Meredith:I am a very private person. I show 'em when I want to show 'em. Who wants a taste? Boob sauce! Meredith!

Meredith:Meredith's confessional: 'I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap.'

Dwight · Meredith:AARM Challenge 1: Dwight asks Meredith what number he's thinking of. 'Two.' / '985,000,000,000,017.' / 'Not even close, Meredith.'

Kevin · Darryl · Meredith · Others:The office employees mob Darryl with requests for his final hours: one-on-one lunch at Cugino's, van time listening to Zeppelin, recording his stories for '6 or 8 or 10 hours.' Kevin wants to watch an eHow video on Excel before scheduling Darryl's 12 hours in 90-minute segments.

Meredith · Jakey · Dwight · Jim · Oscar:Meredith's son arriving as the bachelor party stripper

Meredith · Angela · Jakey:Angela, special repairman is here! / What is this? / Shut up! Jakey? / Mom?

Meredith:Stripper's only as good as his song. / Yeah! Good song choice, Jakey!

Meredith · others:Be gentle, Jakey, gentle! / Stop it, Meredith! / Sorry! My bad. Go ahead, Jakey.

Meredith:I've got a beef with that. For the first seven years I was getting my PhD in school psychology and they didn't show it. Yes, I was getting hammered, but, hey, it was college.

Meredith:Yeah, I heard. It sounds kind of lame. No offense.