Test The Store

Dwight:Dwight's talking-head intro: 'I, Dwight Truth I'm in charge of the entire operation' — clearly a grandiose self-introduction undercut by the absurd mangled title

Dwight · Erin:Erin admits she's afraid of falling off the chair while Dwight insists 'your tiny fingers make the best knots'

Erin:Erin breaks from her 'hipster Tabitha' cover identity to whisper to the camera: 'Psst. It's me, Erin.'

Nellie:Nellie claims she was born in Basildon and 'until the age of 32, I talked like this' then does a thick working-class accent: 'which was bloody horrendous, innit?'

Nellie · Unknown staff member:Nellie's escalating list of what's 'lower than dirt': 'Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core'

Nellie:Nellie: 'I hit rock bottom. When I auditioned for the Spice Girls, I didn't even get a callback.'

Nellie · Unknown:Someone asks 'Which Spice Girl?' and Nellie answers 'The black one. I never stood a chance.'

Dwight:Dwight's dossier on bloggers: 'Bloggers are gross, bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'When people see this presentation, they're gonna [bleep] in their pants.'

Dwight · Packer:Dwight assigns Packer as 'the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls obsessed with the pyramid'

Packer:Packer's talking-head: 'Schrute's out to get me. But I'm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of ET, candy poured out of the screen.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Speaking of pimples, let's release the bloggers!'

Andy · Jim:Andy dismisses Jim mid-sentence: 'Don't care. Tell me later.' then immediately pivots to 'Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.'

Meredith · Phyllis:Meredith overhears 'black eye' as 'black guy in the office': 'Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?'

Oscar:Oscar: 'Since the interesting thing happened till now, so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.'

Andy · Pam:Andy's 'gang' story: motorcycles, weapons, 'punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple'

Erin:Erin's hipster persona mispronounces 'Zooey Deschanel' as 'Zoo-ey Desh-channel' and 'Coachella' as 'Couch-arilla Music Festival'

Andy · Office workers:Andy desperately escalates against calling the police, citing 'neighborhood pride' and shouting his zip code: '1-8-5-0-5... Dash 7-4-2-7!'

Toby:Toby's reaction when asked to teach self-defense: 'Me?' — then a beat — 'I can't believe you remembered I do self-defense. Um, I'll go put on my cup.'

Office ensemble:The office collectively cheering 'Yes! Okay!' when Toby agrees to teach self-defense

Blogger:Blogger spots Andy's untouched Sabre phone: 'He's got his Sabre phone on, and he's not even using it. This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight frantically demonstrates how Jim should have used the phone: 'Hello. Hi, sweetie. It's Jim. I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead...' doing a Jim impression

Dwight · Jim:Jim offers: 'Maybe pretend to be Chuck?' and Dwight responds 'You could have pretended to be Chuck. I BEGGED you to pretend to be Chuck — but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! Surrender the tripack.'

Dwight:Dwight trying to operate a camera/projector and failing: 'Point it towards the store, idiot!' and 'One of these buttons is— Damn it. Take over.'

Dwight · Erin:Dwight spots elderly visitors: 'The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!' then instructs Erin to shoo them away by telling them the pigeon fountain is 'out behind the bank'

Toby:Toby's self-defense class: 'Strike, scream, and run.' Demonstrates — immediately injures someone. 'Ow.' 'That may have been my fault.'

Toby:Toby's 'I-a-a-t-g' acronym: 'It's all about the groin.'

Dwight:Dwight (presumably): hypothetical of a '4'11" man who's penisless' as an attacker scenario — demanding Toby address this specific case

Toby:Toby: 'Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?'

Andy:Andy's self-defense suggestion: 'Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like a fifth-grade girl, and then, if we have time, on up to a scary man.'

Andy · Toby:Andy pivots to a 'point of view of the attacker' question — asking how an attacker can protect himself after getting sucker-punched — and Toby notes: 'It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker.'

Toby:Toby mentions 'The latest Chad Flenderman novel, based from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu' as a comparison for perspective-switching

Dwight · Cathy · Patty Grossman:Cathy is introduced to 'fatty gruesome, freelancer for Wired Magazine' — actually Patty Grossman, who is a woman

Ryan:Ryan's pre-presentation meltdown: 'No bleep, Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging before I go out there in front of a million people?'

Dwight:Dwight's attempt at encouragement: 'You just need to realize so much rides on this. You have no idea.' — then to camera: 'I'm trying to make him feel important.'

Jim:Jim improvises a Kelly impression to encourage Ryan: 'Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim's Kelly impression continues: 'You're so ignorant, you barely know what you're talking about. That's so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple of books.' Ryan: 'What's a book?'

Dwight:Dwight tries to do the Kelly impression and it fails immediately: 'You can... You can do it, Ryan. And you know that I'm capable of this. You're the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.'

Ryan · Unknown:Ryan's circular feedback loop: 'I would just fix that one—' / 'Oh, "fix" means you hate it! I knew it!'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan's drink order meltdown: 'Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!' — standing there while Jim doesn't move

Toby:Toby, mid-self-defense class: 'Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.'

Mother · Andy · Office:A woman arrives claiming her daughter had an altercation with 'some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice' — and points to Andy: 'That's him... The guy I hit.'

Andy · Girl's father · Girl:Andy's daughter and her father confront Andy at the office — revealing the 'gang' was a 12-year-old girl and her dad

Kevin:Kevin blurts: 'Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?'

Mother · Pam:The mother: 'What about the lady you hit with a pine cone?' / 'There. That chubby one.' — pointing at Pam, who just had a baby

Girl:The girl apologizes: 'Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your "thin" girlfriend.' — with air-quotes on 'thin'

Girl:Girl follows up: 'How 'bout we wait till next year after you have your kid?' — about Pam

Girl's father:Girl's dad: 'You know what? Tiffy's going to college.' — said as a final statement of dominance before leaving

Girl's father:Girl's dad: 'Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work.' — to the Dunder Mifflin employees after everything

Toby · Andy:Toby: 'My ex-wife used to demolish me. No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.'

Ryan:Ryan calls his uncle to get a Ritalin prescription: 'Hey, Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew, Ryan. I could use a prescription for Ritalin right now... I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it's different because it's your wife? Well, that doesn't make any sense to me.'

Dwight:Dwight pitches the remaining bloggers on Ryan: 'We got this young whiz kid — Ryan. He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates.'

Ryan:Ryan calls his Uncle Lucas from the bathroom asking for a Ritalin prescription, referencing 'Aunt Carol' as precedent

Ryan:Ryan's text to Dwight: 'I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it. I need to see my mom. I'm going home.'

Elderly woman · Erin:Old woman at the store tells Erin she's searching for 'handsome men' after being redirected from the Sabre store, and expresses sympathy when told Erin was rejected by Andy: 'Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas?'

Elderly woman · Erin:Elderly woman to Erin: 'And you should forget your husband.' Erin: 'Well...' — the implication being that Erin's 'husband' (Andy) is not actually her husband

Dwight · Jim:Dwight pivots from Ryan's absence: 'As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!' — pointing at Jim

Jim:Jim: 'This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight insists there's a costume for the presentation. Jim: 'A costume?' Dwight: 'Of course there's a costume!'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight hovering outside the changing room: 'Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?'

Dwight · Jim:Jim: 'I'm not wearing eyeliner.' Dwight: 'You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.'

Jim:Jim's presentation opening: 'Time. Space. Gender. There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future.'

Jim:Jim's presentation devolves into personal confession: 'I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain.'

Jim:Jim: 'When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney World. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me. I just wanted to go home. This is what the pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world.'

Jim:Jim, landing the product specs with the same gravity as his emotional confessions: 'It has a USB port. Wireless... will be available in 2013.'

Jim:Jim: 'You can play anything from Chuck to Cars 2.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim catches Dwight's eye during the presentation and Dwight gives him a thumbs-up/encouraging signal — the absurdity that this is going well

Jim · Dwight:Jim appears to take a bow/finish the presentation — then Dwight hisses 'Psst!' from offstage and Jim realizes he missed something and returns

Dwight · Jim:After Jim's presentation: Dwight leads the team in celebration. Jim: 'Thank you very much.' Dwight: 'Okay, this isn't over. Let's stay focused, okay?'

Toby:Toby's self-defense callback to Andy: 'Little things can be dangerous. Whether it's a Gremlin or Chucky the Doll — the key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace or a tub of electricity.'

Unknown:Reaction: 'What is a tub of electricity?' — another character calls out Toby's nonsense advice

Kelly:Kelly volunteers for the self-defense demonstration: 'I have had a lot of pent-up aggression. Thanks.'

Kelly · Toby:Kelly attacks Toby while yelling: 'You think you're so pretty! Well, you're not gonna be so pretty come prom time!'

Toby:Toby's running commentary during Kelly's attack: 'Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing.' Then, after getting hit: 'Okay, I'm at what's called the decision point.'

Toby:Kelly hits Toby in the eye: 'God! My good eye!' — Toby's reaction

Jim:Jim laughs at Toby being hit, then immediately claims he's laughing at 'something Cece did on the playground... yesterday... this morning.'

Andy:Andy's talking-head defense of himself: 'You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others... Pam and Toby. You may want to ask yourselves, where were you when the girls came?'

Andy:Andy's final talking-head: 'Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good!'

Dwight:Dwight's final talking head: 'Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good!'

Nellie · Dwight:Nellie delivers the news to Dwight: 'Okay, I will be the first to admit it — we could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation. Dwight. You're the Vice President.'

Dwight:Dwight's celebration erupts into wordless physical comedy: 'Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Okay! Come on! Aah! Right on! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Boom!'