Last Day In Florida

Jim:Dwight is no longer with us. He's gone.

Coworker:What?!

Jim:He got promoted and transferred to the Stamford branch.

Coworker:Jim, that announcement was misleading.

Jim:What? I said I was being promoted to Regional Manager. That's not misleading.

Coworker:You made it sound like you were dying.

Jim:Oh. Well, I'm not dying. I'm ascending to a higher plane of existence where I will shed my mortal coil and be reborn as pure management energy.

Dwight:I have hidden a treasure somewhere in this office. It contains items of immense value. I'm giving you one chance to find it before I take it to my grave.

Jim:What's in it?

Dwight:That's for me to know and you to... never find out.

Pam:Is it money?

Dwight:Better. It's a collection of the finest beet seeds and a handwritten Schrute family recipe passed down through nine generations.

Dwight:You see, the treasure isn't about the gold. It's about the journey. The obstacles we overcome make us stronger.

Jim:Dwight, we've been walking in circles for three hours.

Dwight:Exactly. Circles are the most efficient shape. We're getting closer.

Pam:We're literally at the same tree we started at.

Dwight:Then we've come full circle. The treasure was inside us all along.

Jim:Did you seriously just trap us in a Princess Bride logic loop?

Dwight:What you fail to realize is that we've already won by questioning whether we've won.

Jim:So Dwight, what does this treasure represent to you? Like, spiritually?

Dwight:It represents the eternal struggle between man and nature, the quest for—

Pam:He just wants to find buried money.

Jim:No, no. I think Dwight's trying to tell us something profound. It's about the journey inward, discovering your true self.

Dwight:Exactly. The treasure is a metaphor for—

Jim:It's beautiful, man. Really beautiful.

Oscar:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Michael:Oh my God, what is in this thing? It could be anything. It could be... dangerous.

Jim:Maybe we should call someone?

Pam:Like who? The treasure police?

Michael:Okay, I'm going in.

Michael:Oh... it's just a picture of us at the office party.

Dwight:That's it? We risked our lives for a group photo?

Jim:Sweet photo revelation is immediately followed by someone getting hit by a dart

Dwight:It's poison!

Jim:It's not poison.

Dwight:Oh thank God.

Stanley:Why would you stand there? That's the first place I would've gotten hit by a dart.

Robert California:Dwight and I have formed a partnership that rivals the greatest duos in history. We are like Laurel and Hardy, like Abbott and Costello, like Bonnie and Clyde.

Dwight Schrute:I was unaware we were comparable to those legendary pairs.

Robert California:Of course. In fact, I'd say we're even more formidable than Snarglewhop and Fizzlebottom.

Robert California:You know, it's like Laurel and Hardy. Two guys, perfect comedic timing, one fat, one thin.

Robert California:Actually, I made that up. There's no such thing as Laurel and Hardy.

Robert California:But it's exactly like the Marx Brothers—Groucho, Harpo, and Zippo.

Jim:Dwight is... I'm searching for the right word here. Sweet. No bitter at all.

Stanley:Yeah, yeah, I'll take a box. I don't care what kind.

Erin:Oh great! You're getting the Samoas!

Stanley:Wait, what? No, no, I wanted the Thin Mints.

Darryl:You could sell them at the chess club.

Darryl:See, Kevin used to be thin. Well, relatively thin.

Kevin:Hey!

Darryl:I'm just saying, back in the day, you could've fit through a doorway without turning sideways.

Erin:I was late because I ate 100 cheese samples at the store.

Irene:My grandson can float on his back.

Irene:And he can dog paddle across the shallow end.

Irene:He's only been taking lessons for two weeks!

Irene:Would you like some tea?

Erin:Oh, yes, please!

Irene:I should tell you, I boiled Gatorade instead of making tea.

Robert California:Cookie season? Yes, yes, I know all about cookie season. It's a magical time of year when the Girl Scouts emerge from their hiding places like beautiful, sash-wearing woodland creatures, and they peddle their delicious contraband to unsuspecting adults. And I, for one, welcome our thin-mint overlords.

Robert California:♪ It's cookie season, cookie season, the most wonderful time of the year! ♪

Robert California:♪ When the cookies are flowing and my willpower is going, and I don't even care! ♪

Robert California:♪ Samoas and Tagalongs, the boxes are long, I'll buy them by the dozen or more! ♪

Kevin:I'm not saying the Girl Scouts cookies are better than the Boy Scouts cookies. I'm just saying the Girl Scouts cookies are better.

Kevin:Look, I want both organizations to want me. I want to be fought over.

Kevin:I want them both to say, 'We need Kevin. He's too valuable to lose.'

Kevin:That's what she said.

Kevin:I didn't mean it like that! You guys are the ones with dirty minds. Oscar, you're the pervert!

Oscar:What? How am I a pervert?

Kevin:Because you understood what I meant!

Jim:Dwight, I... I'm really gonna miss working with you.

Dwight:I'm gonna miss you too, man.

Jim:You've taught me so much.

Dwight:FALSE. I have taught you nothing. Fact: I win.

Robert California:The Sabre store concept is fundamentally flawed. You're essentially running a traveling con game. You show up in a town, sell everyone on the idea of office supplies, extract whatever value you can, and then you move on to the next town before anyone realizes they've been had.

Dwight:I'm the gentleman.

Dwight:Suck it!

Todd Packer:Yeah, yeah, this is genius. I'm gonna write this down, this is gonna change everything.

Todd Packer:You know what? Forget it. This'll work better as toilet paper anyway.

Todd Packer:Hey Halpert, you look like a potato.

Jim:A potato? Really?

Todd Packer:Yeah, you know, like a Mr. Potato Head.

Jim:So I look like a toy potato.

Todd Packer:Exactly. But like, the sad version.

Jim:There's a sad version of Mr. Potato Head?

Todd Packer:Now there is.

Jim:Wait, are you saying Operation and Wooly Willie are the same character?

Todd Packer:Of course they are! They're both games where you mess with a guy's stuff.

Jim:No, no, no. Operation is the guy you're operating on. Wooly Willie is just a magnetic head.

Todd Packer:Exactly! Same guy, different haircuts!

Todd Packer:You're like the tallest hobbit. You're not tall enough to be a real man, but you're too tall to be a hobbit.

Erin:Can you help me with my password? I can't remember it.

Jim:Sure, what is it?

Erin:It's 'password123.'

Jim:Erin, that's the least secure password possible.

Erin:I know, that's why I added the period. For security.

Erin:Hi Andy!

Andy:Oh my God, Erin, what happened to your face?

Erin:What? Nothing happened to my face.

Andy:Your face is all pixelated and weird.

Erin:Oh, it's just the video chat. The connection is bad.

Jim:With great power comes great responsibility. With Dwight, it's like with great power comes great annoyance.

Kevin:You guys don't understand. Only a big guy like me knows what it takes to buy cookies. It's not about the cookies, it's about the commitment. When I buy cookies, I'm not just buying cookies. I'm buying a lifestyle.

Kevin:Darryl's better for cookie sales because he's got that street credibility. Plus, he actually knows how to talk to people.

Kevin:I mean, can you imagine Toby in bed with a model? That's like imagining a prison guard as a motivational speaker.

Darryl:My daughter, she's gonna sell a lot of Girl Scout cookies. She's got the face for it.

Darryl:I mean, she's not gonna be a supermodel or anything, but she's got that... chubby thing going on that people find irresistible.

Darryl:Honey, Daddy didn't mean it like that.

Andy:Wait, what is that right there?

Erin:What? Where?

Andy:On your shoulder. Is that a freckle or part of your tan?

Erin:It's a freckle.

Andy:No, it's darker than the rest of your tan.

Erin:That's because it's a freckle, Andy.

Andy:Freckles are smaller. That's a tan spot.

Erin:I've had this freckle my whole life!

Andy:Well, your tan is covering it up and making it look like a spot.

Andy:Erin, your tan is absolutely gorgeous. Have you been to a tanning bed? You're like a beautiful... bronzed goddess.

Erin:Um, thanks Andy?

Andy:No, I mean it. You're so... tan-tastic. Or should I say... muy caliente?

Erin:That's... that's making me uncomfortable.

Andy:Come on, don't be shy. In Spanish, you would be 'la morena hermosa.' The beautiful dark one. It's romantic!

Andy:Erin's not coming back... She's really gone.

Andy:♪ She was young, she was happy, she had her whole life ahead of her... ♪

Andy:♪ And now she's gone, gone, gone... ♪

Kevin:Yeah, so I was thinking maybe we could do like 50 boxes this year?

Darryl:50 boxes? Kevin, that's a lot of cookies.

Kevin:Well, actually, I was thinking more like 75.

Toby:75? We need to file the proper paperwork for that quantity.

Kevin:No, no, no. I'm thinking... 100 boxes.

Darryl:100?!

Kevin:Actually, 150.

Kevin:Come on, Darryl. Do the song. I got cookies.

Darryl:Kevin, I'm not doing a song for cookies.

Kevin:They're Chips Ahoy.

Darryl:Well... puts on a top hat and cane, singing in an exaggerated vaudeville style 'Good morning, good morning! It's great to stay up late! Good morning, good morning to youuuuu!'

Dwight:Jim keeps coming back. It's like he's a boomerang. A Amish boomerang.

Dwight:We call it a 'returner.' You throw it, and through the power of Amish engineering and prayer, it comes back to you.

Dwight:We must all move forward. And I have accomplished much in my life. I have become a regional manager. I have mastered the art of beet farming. I have trained a loyal assistant. And I have my cousin Mose.

Dwight:I am ready to face my date with destiny. Nothing can stop me now. I am unstoppable, a force of nature, a—

Dwight:*crashes into door frame/falls down stairs*

Dwight:I've been practicing my saliva production. I can generate up to 3 ounces per minute if I really focus.

Todd Packer:I know this stuff inside and out. Frontways, backways, sideways, doggy-style.

Todd Packer:Hey there! What's up, everybody? Todd Packer here. So yeah, I'm the new VP of Sabre retail, which is awesome because I love retail, I love Sabre, and I love meeting new people. So let's have some fun with this, huh?

Jim:FALCONNNNN PUNCH!

Kevin:Hey, it's Kevin. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm with my girlfriends, Mandy and Brenda. Leave a message.

Darryl:Mandy? Really?

Toby:Yeah, those are guy names.

Kevin:No they're not!

Darryl:Kevin, Mandy is a guy name.

Toby:And Brenda sounds like a truck driver.

Kevin:Okay, so if you sell 50 boxes, you get a free lunch. 100 boxes, I'll do your TPS reports for a week.

Kevin:150 boxes, I'll dress up like a clown and do a little dance.

Kevin:200 boxes, I'll let you punch me in the arm.

Kevin:250 boxes, I'll be your pony.

Toby:Okay, Kevin, I think we need to draw the line somewhere.

Darryl:Yeah, man. I'm not riding you.

Toby:This is exactly the kind of thing I'm here to prevent.

Todd Packer:Look, I may have botched that presentation, but let me tell you something about life. We're all just floating through this corporate universe, trying to find meaning in spreadsheets and conference calls.

Todd Packer:Sure, I lost the account. But did I really lose it? Or did the account lose me? Think about it.

Todd Packer:I'm not getting fired. I'm being liberated. This is my chrysalis moment. In six months, I'll be a butterfly, and you'll all be jealous.

Todd Packer:This is the beginning of my legend, not the end. History will remember Todd Packer. They'll write songs about me!

Todd Packer:Canceling my soul? What are you, some kind of woke fairy? I'm old school, baby. You can't cancel Todd Packer. I've been doing the same thing for thirty years and I'm not about to stop now.

Computer:Please confirm your purchase.

Andy:Yes, yes, confirm!

Computer:Processing...

Andy:Come on, come on, come on!

Computer:Still processing...

Andy:No, no, no! Erin needs me!