Stanley Hudson

Stanley:Stanley's birthday card message: 'Meredith, good news! You're not actually a year older, because you work here, where time stands still.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael's team selection: 'Stanley, of course.' — Stanley: 'I'm sorry? Um... What do you play, center? Why "of course"?' — Michael: 'Uh... What's that supposed to mean? I don't know. I... I don't remember saying that.'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley: 'I heard it.' (re: Michael saying 'of course' about himself) — Michael: 'I heard it that time.' — quiet acknowledgment of his own double standard

Stanley:Stanley aggressively tips the ball — reaction: 'Stanley!' and 'You gotta be kidding me!' — Stanley apparently tips it to the warehouse team despite being on the office team

Michael · Stanley:Stanley says he threw out his Dundies. Michael refuses to believe it. Stanley insists he did.

Michael · Stanley:Michael announces separate checks instead of a group tab. Stanley reveals he did bring his family. Michael: 'I'm looking forward to meeting Terry.' Stanley: 'It's this person whose hand I'm holding, Michael.'

Stanley:Stanley's acceptance speech: 'Last year I got great work, so I don't know what to think about this award... but at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin!'

Stanley:Stanley's acceptance speech button: '...at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin!'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley reveals the 'centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl outfit' hot picture is his daughter. Michael: 'I'm taking it down right now.'

Stanley:Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college.

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight tries to fire Stanley: 'I've got some bad news. You're fired.' Stanley: 'No.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'Stanley, could you come with me, please.' / Stanley: 'No.'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley explains that women say more in pauses than in words. Michael: "Stanley, that's freakin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets?"

Stanley:Stanley: "I did learn it on the streets. In the ghetto, in fact." Then: "It's all about my bonus."

Michael · Stanley:Michael reads Stanley's email aloud: 'My boss, Michael is an ass and making me stay late.' Then declares: 'Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael insists on handling the power cord himself for "safety reasons," preventing Stanley from simply plugging in the tree lights

Michael · Stanley:Michael sings the 'banana-fana' name song to Stanley while Stanley is trying to ask a serious question

Stanley:Stanley: 'So where are you shipping your foot?' — then repeated after Michael's confused reaction, perfectly deadpan

Michael · Oscar · Stanley:Michael's disability meeting: 'Do you know what it's like to be disabled?' then attempts to name people in the room with 'real' disabilities

Stanley · Michael:Stanley: 'I'm not disabled, and neither are you.' Michael: 'What does this look like to you, Stanley?' Stanley: 'Mail Boxes, Etc.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'What does this look like to you, Stanley?' [gestures to foot] Stanley: 'Mail Boxes, Etc.'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley doing a crossword puzzle during the meeting. Michael: 'A crossword puzzle Stanley? Seriously, are you learning nothing here?'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley's dead-flat 'I'm on the phone' rebuff when Michael tries the updog prank on him

Michael · Jim · Stanley:Michael attempts to speak to Jim in 'code' about Pam using the letter P while Stanley is right there — 'P-A-M... P-A?'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.' Stanley: 'That's not what a hate crime is.' Michael: 'Well, I hated it a lot, okay.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael's video narrates Stanley: 'An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmarks of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our basis on.'

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley's confrontation with Ryan: 'That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon.'

Stanley:Boy, have you lost your mind? No. 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus can come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.

Jim · Stanley:Jim does his Stanley impression — 'Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?' — and Stanley walks in mid-impression

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley says 'I do not think that is funny.' Dwight says the exact same phrase simultaneously — then 'Jinx. Buy me a coke. No no no! No talking.'

Stanley · Michael:'Someone complained that the men's room is whites only.' Stanley: 'I didn't say that.' 'Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door.'

Stanley · Phyllis:Stanley says Phyllis cries too much and it bugs him. Phyllis: 'Stanley and I are close, too. We sit close.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley: 'You have just spit on my face.' Followed by Michael explaining there's 'something wrong with everybody in here' for not grieving

Michael · Stanley · Pam:Michael trying to force Stanley to participate in the grief ball; Michael theatrically tosses the ball to Pam instead after Stanley refuses

Stanley:Stanley confessional: 'I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day... Well, I like pretzel day.'

Stanley:Stanley asking 'What time is it?' / 'A.M. or P.M.?' / 'Oh, good.' — implying he would happily stay the night for pretzel-related reasons, or simply that he's disoriented enough to genuinely not know

Michael · Stanley:Michael to Stanley: 'Come Kwanza time, I have got you covered, baby.' / Stanley: 'I don't celebrate Kwanza.' / Michael: 'Really? You should. It's fun.'

Stanley:Stanley's talking-head: 'I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. I really couldn't be happier.' — delivered with complete flatness.

Jan · Stanley:Jan announces to the Scranton office: 'Your branch is not closing. Stamford is closing. For the time being, it seems that all of your jobs are safe.' — collective eruption, then Stanley asks: 'Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?'

Stanley:Stanley's talking-head: 'Oh, well. What can you do? It was nice to have those few hours when I thought it was over. Now I have something to look forward to.'

Michael · Stanley:Christmas is canceled. / You can't cancel a holiday. / Keep it up, Stanley, and you will lose New Year's.

Michael · Stanley:Stanley refuses to do any work until his bonus check is corrected, and Michael dismisses him with 'You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers, mon'

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley refuses to pick anyone, says 'Pass.' Michael insists. Stanley says 'I'll take the kid.' Ryan's talking head: 'I was his second choice, after pass.'

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley introduces Ryan to his client Julius as part of his pitch, then says 'I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword puzzle.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight announces: 'I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.' Stanley: 'Is it nice outside?' Dwight: 'It's gorgeous. Let's go!'

Stanley:'Oh, sweet mother of God.' — Stanley, reacting to Michael unveiling a Survivor-style beach competition

Michael · Stanley:Michael to Stanley: 'If you don't like it, you can go to the back of the bus.' — then immediately backtracking: 'Or the front of the bus, or drive the bus.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley names his team whatever Michael says; Michael assigns 'the red team.' Stanley immediately: 'No, the blue team.'

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley refuses a Schrute Buck ('I don't want it'), gets deducted 50, then says 'Make it 100'

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley: 'I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.' / Dwight: 'What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?' / Stanley: 'The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.'

Dwight · Andy · Stanley:Stanley's answer causes class to collapse: Dwight cancels class as 'punishment', Andy tries to save it, Dwight and Andy bicker while students flee

Michael · Stanley · Office:Michael announces they're going to plant a tree to distract from the Meredith accident. Stanley: 'At least we don't have to work.' / 'So, like, a freedom tree.'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley: 'You ran a woman over this morning.' Michael: 'Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!'

Michael · Stanley · Kevin · Jan:Stanley has zero sponsors. Michael: 'Come on, man, got to step it up.' Then: 'Jan called this morning and pledged $500.' Kevin: 'And isn't that your money?' Michael: 'It is for a good cause.'

Stanley:Stanley's talking head: 'Oh, yes, I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.'

Stanley:...Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.

Stanley · Michael:Stanley is clearly dancing at his desk; Michael calls him out; Stanley flatly denies it: 'No, I'm not.'

Jim · Stanley · Dwight:Jim, Stanley, and Dwight researching the legality of Michael's detention: Jim: 'We think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.' Stanley: 'Could you look up accomplices?' Jim/Dwight: 'We're looking up jail time.'

Stanley:Stanley's monologue: 'When I'm at home, at night, in my own house, in my sweats drinking some red wine, watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole godforsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael calls Stanley 'key to our urban vibe' — Stanley looks at camera

Stanley:Stanley deadpans: 'Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley interrupts Michael's dummy demonstration to announce 'I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.' — complete tonal whiplash.

Stanley · Michael:Stanley (talking head): 'I think it's because of my sales record.' Michael: 'That could not possibly be it.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley (three times): 'Money.' — in response to three different attempts by Michael to find out the 'real' reason he's leaving.

Ryan · Stanley:Ryan: 'I'm gonna miss you, man. You've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus.'

Stanley:Stanley reveals he was never planning to leave — he just wanted a raise. 'How on Earth did Michael call my bluff?'

Stanley:Stanley: 'Is he some sort of secret genius?' — genuinely asking, about Michael Scott.

Stanley · Unknown:I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die. / Why don't you just have an apple? / Why don't you mind your business?

Ryan · Stanley:"When will that be? TBD."

Michael · Stanley:Michael asks Stanley to help with 'a rap, an urban thing' — looking to Stanley specifically because he's Black

Stanley · Michael:Stanley: 'DID I STUTTER?' — the title line, delivered as a full confrontation

Michael · Stanley:Michael confronts Stanley with revisionist framing: 'I guess we are back to normal' / 'the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, and that I forgive you for'

Stanley:Stanley: 'It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.'

Michael · Stanley:'Stanley Hudson, you are fired.' / Beat. / 'Are you serious?' / Michael: 'I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.'

Stanley:Stanley's response to the fake firing: threatens a lawsuit, promises to tell 'every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office' — a full counter-escalation

Stanley:Stanley's full rant: 'Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before. And I think, there's no possible way that he can top that. But what do you do? You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are a professional idiot!'

Stanley:Stanley to Michael: 'You are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'Maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.' / Stanley: 'Michael, I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you.' / Michael: 'Any other theories?'

Stanley:Stanley's response to Michael's summer caroling pitch: 'Has potential to be your best idea yet.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight takes charge in the office, threatening people not to leave, culminating in Stanley walking out mid-threat: 'Stanley, do not walk out that door. If you walk out that door, so help me, I will— He left.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight: 'Stanley, do not walk out that door. If you walk out that door, so help me, I will...' — Stanley leaves. Dwight: 'He left.'

Stanley · Michael · Dwight:Stanley: 'Oh, strike one. I hate her already.' Michael: 'I hate her too.' Dwight: 'Why do you hate her?' Michael: 'Because she...stinks...with her ways and her...head.'

Stanley:Stanley leaves right before weigh-in, claiming he forgot something in his car — clearly sneaking food

Stanley:Stanley talking-head: 'I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons.'

Stanley:Stanley talking-head with old photo: 'Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.'

Stanley · Michael:Michael: 'Stanley, you can eat a slice of your birthday cake.' Stanley: 'I don't like cake anymore.' / 'Why not, dawg?' / 'Taste changed. Now all I like is baklava.'

Stanley:When asked for examples of time-wasting, Stanley says: 'This meeting.'

Stanley · Other Employee:Stanley is dressed as Urkel / wearing glasses so he can sleep at his desk without being noticed

Stanley · Jim:Jim asks Stanley if Kelly might be mad at him. Stanley: 'All right. Livin' in the moment. I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full-on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top.'

Stanley:Stanley's confessional: 'I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got, what, 20, 30 more years left? And my family history says I have less.'

Stanley:Stanley: 'The old Stanley Hudson would have found something to complain about this actress. But that's no way to live life. Look at this healthy, sexy, pretty, strong young woman. Come on, people. She is... hot.'

Dwight · Stanley · Michael:Dwight blows an air horn and announces 'This has been a test of our emergency preparedness.' Stanley immediately has a heart attack.

Michael · Stanley · employees:Stanley's return to the office — employees recite his greatest hits of hostile phrases: 'Are you from another planet?' / 'Boy, have you lost your mind? Because I'll help you find it!' / 'Did I stutter?'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley: 'What are you going to do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?' / Michael: 'I would die.' / 'And you're okay with that?' / 'I'm okay with the logic of it.'

Stanley:Stanley's talking head: 'Yes, I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. And I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.'

Stanley:Stanley's talking-head: 'Yes, I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. And I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'Chunky Monkey.' / Stanley: 'Chocolate.' / Michael: 'Racism is dead, Stanley. You can have any kind of ice cream you want.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley's biofeedback machine beeps rapidly when Michael approaches during the meditation exercise.

Andy · Stanley:Andy sings about the Splenda: counting them to a made-up tune, then revealing he only put two in: 'I actually only put in two. But that's not how the song goes.'

Andy · Stanley:Stanley's double: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' Andy echoes: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' — Andy mirrors Stanley's outrage back at him.

Andy · Stanley:Stanley: 'Four Splenda, are you crazy?' Andy: 'Well, no, I actually only put in two.' Stanley: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' Andy: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' (mirroring Stanley back)

Stanley · Andy:Stanley, furious about Andy's interruption: 'You bring an angel like that into this office and you don't even set me up with her.' Andy: 'We're not friends. I didn't think about it.' Stanley: 'We are friends, Stanley. We are friends. And you let me down.'

Stanley:Stanley's trade: 'Give me two clients for her.'

Stanley · Andy · Jim:Jim and Dwight planning Andy's romantic approach to Julia. Stanley advises: 'No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.'

Andy · Stanley:Andy asks: 'Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?' — referencing Stanley, not Jim, while Andy looks at Stanley for validation.

Charles · Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'What about your party?' exchange — Charles announces discretionary spending freeze including parties; Michael's party is now threatened

Michael · Stanley:Michael interrupts Stanley at a urinal: 'Can't you see I'm urinating?'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley in the bathroom: 'Can't you see I'm urinating?'

Michael · Stanley:'I want you to think about it.' / 'No.' / 'Okay, you're not letting me finish.' / 'And you just lost out on a million dollars.' / 'No, I didn't.'

Charles · Kevin · Stanley:Charles's solution to losing the receptionist: Kevin on phones, Stanley as 'productivity czar'

Michael · Stanley · Phyllis:Welcome, welcome! Let me give you the tour. / I get it. Do you need to see more? [the 'tour' of the tiny office takes approximately three seconds]

Michael · Ryan · Stanley:She's upstairs talking to Charles. / What for? / I don't know. / Are we staying till 5:00?

Dwight · Stanley:Stanley is warned to 'heat my words' — Dwight's Freudian slip for 'heed my words,' which turns out to be literally correct because the memos require heat to reveal the message

Stanley:Stanley: 'You don't take my clients away and give them to a secretary. No offense, Jim. I think she's very pretty. Her face is okay, but...'

Dwight · Andy · Stanley · Jim:Warehouse mutiny planning: suggestion escalates from 'coup' to 'taking Ryan hostage' to 'strongly worded letter' to 'strongly painted picture'

Michael · Stanley · Ryan · Pam · Andy · Dwight:Michael cross-examines the salespeople about their lunch — Stanley's detailed salmon salad order — then uses it to steal their lunches

Michael · Dwight · Stanley · Andy:Michael's response to the threat of a salesperson walkout: 'I love it! I love this idea, and I fully support you. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give you some seed money.'

Michael · Phyllis · Stanley:Michael offers 'complimentary white chocolate bark' as part of his apology; the staff dismisses it: 'Nobody likes that stuff, except for you.' / 'They wouldn't make it unless people liked it.'

Stanley · Jim:Jim is asked about setting up with Stanley's daughter: 'So, hey, I want to set you up with my daughter.' / 'Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.' / 'I thought you were gay.' / 'Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?' / 'I don't know.'

Stanley · Jim:Stanley tries to set Jim up with his daughter, thinking Jim is gay

Michael · Stanley:Michael stops Stanley to interrogate him with: 'I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?' / Stanley: 'Goodbye.' / Michael: 'Pays 5 million dollars. Nudity required.'

Stanley:Stanley, after being publicly confronted, claims it was 'racial profiling gossip' — then immediately pivots: 'Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.'

Stanley:Stanley: 'We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill.' — describing his romantic connection with his mistress

Jim · Michael · Stanley:Jim walks in on Michael's secret 'focus group' meeting. Jim: 'Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?' Stanley: 'If you don't smell this, you're fired.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley's reaction to Michael asking to share his queen bed: 'A queen-size bed is five feet wide. I am not five-feet wide, Michael.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'A queen-size bed is five feet wide. I am not five-feet wide, Michael.' / Stanley: 'I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful.'

Stanley:Stanley: 'I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.'

Stanley · Michael · Oscar:Stanley: 'You just ignore their carping.' Michael: 'Okay.' Oscar: 'A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They're mocking you with wordplay!'

Stanley:Stanley calls David Wallace's office: 'This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael as Jesus distributes gifts. He tells Stanley: 'Except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin. Look it up in the Bible, people.' Then about the scented candles gift: 'That's appropriate. A lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L, double hockey sticks. Going to hell, Stanley.'

Michael/Jesus · Stanley:And Stanley, you've been very good this year. / I have. / Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin. Look it up in the Bible, people.

Stanley · Michael:Stanley refuses to leave the bathroom during the hospital dash — multiple people have to physically deal with him as the chaos mounts

Michael · Stanley:Stanley shuts down Michael's matchmaking: 'Why don't you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?' Michael: 'Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any?'

Stanley · Angela:Stanley and Angela briefly bond over The Kardashians while a salesperson suffers nearby

Jim · Stanley:Jim almost reveals the 2% commission offer, pivots to '2% milk!' — then: 'Yeah, treats, Stanley. They've accepted our simple offer of treats only, nothing more.'

Oscar · Dwight · Stanley:Oscar and the other minorities refuse to apply, not because the program isn't good, but because they're scared of Kelly. Dwight: 'Are we scared of Kelly? That's ridiculous.' Cut to everyone clearly being scared of Kelly.

Stanley · Michael:Stanley gets up and says 'I have an idea for your weekend' — Michael enthusiastically encourages him — Stanley's idea is to go back to his desk

Andy · Stanley:Andy tells Stanley about a printer catching fire; Stanley responds: 'My doctor told me to cut out hotdogs. We all got problems.'

Stanley:Stanley's contribution to the nepotism debate: 'I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So thank you.'

Michael · Andy · Stanley · Oscar:Andy's attention-request debate: Michael points out Andy has asked for everyone's attention 'like a year ago' and Andy protests, triggering everyone to cite specific occasions (new phone, World Cup scores)

Michael · Stanley:Stanley, how do we combat him? / We sell better? / Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave?

Stanley:I would like to stay. This pertains to me.

Michael · Stanley:Why don't you go outside and take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay? / Why do you always assume I have diabetes? / I don't know. Your frame, your build. Why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic.

Stanley:Stanley checks the clock mid-meeting: 'Hold up. That clock is slow. It is 5:00. I will see you all tomorrow.'

Ryan · Stanley:Ryan's WUPHF growth chart presentation: 'Triple your investment by January.' Stanley: 'Anyone can just throw numbers up on a chart.' Ryan: 'Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend... A lot of these guys are just mac.com, at their website whatever.'

Michael · Ryan · Stanley:WUPHF from Ryan Howard: 'Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.' / Thank God.

Michael · Darryl · Phyllis · Stanley · Angela · Oscar · Erin:The entire office Christmas photo shoot where Michael keeps trying to get everyone to jump simultaneously and failing each time

Michael · Stanley:So, Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today? 'Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I'm doing fine.'

Stanley:Stanley to Toby about jury duty: 'I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for. That is the life.'

Stanley:Stanley confessional about jury duty: 'I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old... To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... That is the life.'

Pam · Stanley:Stanley's non-reaction to being mentioned; Pam: 'So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?' — Stanley says nothing

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley recognizes his own photo album in Ryan's garage sale pile

Andy · Jim · Pam · Dwight · Kevin · Erin · Oscar · Meredith · Angela · Stanley · Ryan:The office performs a parody of 'Seasons of Love' ('Rent') customized with Michael-specific details: 'You hit me with your car / You helped me get off drugs / I watch you when you sleep / I forgive you for kissing me'

Michael · Stanley:Michael gives Stanley his 'felt' — a single piece of felt — saying 'may you never lose the fun-loving quality in life'

Stanley:Stanley: 'Where's the rest of it? It's got no balls.'

Stanley:Stanley's ultimatum: 'According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I wanna keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to.'

Stanley:Stanley: 'You pick a crappy boss, you're responsible for my crappy life.'

Stanley:'Take a day off from the whole Jim shtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels, James.'

Stanley:It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt!

Stanley:I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do something. I go on with a long description and then I say, 'and shove it up your butt!' It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

Andy · Stanley:Stanley, you do puzzles all day. What do we got? / Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and shove it up your butt!

Andy · Jim · Dwight · Phyllis · Stanley:Andy's 'rap session' with the salespeople: 'Just thought we'd have a little rap session. Talk about business. See how things are going.' followed by awkward silence.

Stanley · Andy:Stanley: 'How about you want us to work harder, pay us more.' Andy: 'I can't.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight announces: 'Stanley Hudson and his mistress, Cynthia.'

Toby · Stanley:Toby/Stanley: 'How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.' followed by 'This is all pathetic.'

Stanley:Stanley's talking head: 'I've been here 18 years and I've suffered through some weird, thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, a Pulp Fiction Christmas, a Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas, Mo Rocca Christmas.'

Andy · Stanley:Stanley: 'I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. Might not have been the best idea.'

Stanley:Stanley: 'I don't want no Kwanzaa wreath. I don't need a dreidel in my face. And who's that black Santa for? I don't care. I know Santa ain't black. I could care less.'

Stanley:Stanley: 'I want Christmas. Just give me plain baby Jesus lying in a manger Christmas.'

Stanley · Jim:Stanley laughing uproariously at Dwight discovering meatballs, then cutting to him stonefaced: 'Jim, come on. So juvenile.'

Stanley · Jim:Stanley's deadpan: 'Really, Jim? Really?' — shown reacting to seeing his stapler encased in something (implied from 'Look for your stapler').

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight and Stanley's coda: 'What's the haul?' 'Thirty-two meatballs.' 'Good day.' 'That idiot's been feeding us for a week. We'll never have to buy meatballs again.'

Jim · Stanley:Jim: 'Hey Stanley, what happened to my pants?' Stanley: 'I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them.'

Stanley:You still had eight weeks more than we did.

Dwight · Stanley:Oh, I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.

Stanley · Andy · Pam · Toby:Stop calling us 'guys.' / I use the word 'guys' a lot when I'm nervous. / Guys. / Guys, guys, guys. / Andy, please. / Stop it, Andy. / Dudes-- / Andy.

Stanley:Every shirt that I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama. I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice.

Stanley:'Florida Stanley' smiles. 'Florida Stanley' is happy to go to work. 'Florida Stanley' is who you want on your Florida team.

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight trying to wake Stanley: 'Stanley! Wake up! The hotel's on fire!' Then a beat later: 'Stanley, wake up. It's pretzel day.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight sees Stanley in Florida casual wear: 'Whoa. Stanley, did you just come back from burning down a rival night club?'

Stanley · Jim:Stanley to Jim: 'You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation.'

Stanley · Jim:Stanley: 'Find some Kenny Loggins.' Jim puts on Loggins and Messina. Stanley: 'Did I say Messina?'

Stanley:Stanley: 'Life is short. Drive fast, leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos.'

Stanley:Stanley drinking rum with a straw poolside: 'It's just rum. I'm not bored. I'm a pirate.'

Stanley:Stanley listening to music with earbuds during the presentation. 'Stanley, are you listening to music?' 'Yep.'

Stanley:Stanley approaches two women: 'My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no?'

Stanley · Server:Stanley asks the server: 'Blow in my ear.' Server complies. Stanley: 'Like I'm on the beach.' [Blows] 'Oh.' [Imitates seagull calls] 'Seagull. [Cawing] And a wave crashing.' [Both imitate waves] 'Oh, that is lovely. All right. That's gonna do it for me tonight.'

Stanley · Jim · Cathy:Stanley shows up at Jim's room: 'My mini bar is oddly out of rum.' Sees Cathy. 'Oh, hello.' Jim: 'We're watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game.' Stanley: 'Got it. Good night. Careful, Jim. It gets easier and easier.'

Stanley · Unknown · Nellie:'Second best bananas foster I've ever had.' 'Oh, yeah? What's the first best?' [knock on door, it's Nellie] 'Dwight?' [lights go off]

Nellie · Stanley · Unknown:Nellie: 'Dwight?' [knocking] 'Hello? Dwight...' 'I can see the lights under your door.' [lights go off] 'Hello?' 'Look, the light went off.' 'Just as I said the light went on.' 'Dwight?' [long pause] 'Oh, Dwight!'

Stanley · Jim:Stanley reacting to being consulted: 'Don't talk to me.' Then: 'Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida.'

Stanley · Jim · Office ensemble:Stanley walks out of the elevator — he clearly has a mustache. "He does have one!"

Stanley · Nellie:Stanley picks 'American Diabetes Association' as his charity. Nellie: 'You have diabetes, Stanley.' Stanley: 'I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?'

Stanley:Stanley: 'A week off, that'd be great.' (said as a positive response to the landlord saying the repairs would shut the office down for a week)

Jim · Phyllis · Stanley:Why should we help you? Because we are friends. When is my birthday? Unfair. When's my birthday? I don't know, because we're not friends.

Stanley:I'll have the surf and turf, with a side order of lobster. Actually the surf and turf does come with lobster. Not enough lobster. Side order. How much wine do you have?

Phyllis · Stanley:You know what? I don't know where the years went. Because sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Tell me about it. Whose hands are these? They're not my hands.

Jim · Stanley:Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over. Don't be pushy, Jim. It's tacky.

Stanley · Phyllis · Jim:Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. / Shucking your peas! / Shucking my peas. / All right, just go back to the first part. You are going to cover for me?

Stanley · Jim · Phyllis:Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. / This is hilarious. But we're going to stop with all the... / Shucking your peas! / Shucking my peas.

Stanley · Phyllis:Stanley offers to pretend to be Phyllis's husband, then adds: 'I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.'

Todd Packer · Stanley · Kevin:Packer extends the Phyllis apology to 'all you double XLs — Stanley, Kevin, this kid in a few years' (pointing at a child).

Stanley:Phyllis has gotten into audio books. And lately she's been listening to Fifty Shades Of Grey, which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about, um...

Stanley:I thought Teri knew about Cynthia. She does, but neither of them know about Lydia.

Stanley:Hello, honey, I just spoke to the TV repairman, and he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring.

Dwight · Stanley:Stanley struggling to climb the stairs while Dwight named the elevator outage 'Stairmageddon' and ran a weeks-long awareness campaign

Stanley:Stanley: 'I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb stair mountain!'

Stanley:Stanley to Dwight: 'Who do I look like, Jackie Joyner-Kersee?'

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley: 'You are not my damn boss and you never will be!' / Dwight's reaction beat

Pete · Stanley:Pete being asked for iced tea: 'Three sugars, five creams.' / Pete responding cheerfully: 'Coming right up.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight produces a bull tranquilizer dart gun to compel Stanley to go on the sales call

Stanley:Stanley: 'Holy shit. No, you didn't.' — then gets tranquilized mid-insult

Stanley · Dwight · Pete:Driving to client: Stanley semi-conscious says 'Pigeons.' Dwight: 'Oh God, this is bad.'

Dwight · Stanley · Pete:Dwight to the client (Mrs. Davis): 'He gets carsick really easily' / Stanley saying 'Driving' while semi-conscious

Stanley:Half-conscious Stanley at the meeting — fixating on the client's baby photos: 'Look at that baby... Benji... He's precious... I've never seen such a beautiful child.'

Stanley · Dwight:Dwight: 'You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it.' Stanley: 'Oh. Silly me. Gotta take the stairs.'

Stanley · Dwight:Final scene: Stanley refuses to take the stairs back up. Dwight: 'We need a winch and a hoist.'

Dwight · Stanley:Dwight does a karate kick/demonstration yelling 'Fireball!' and Stanley dryly says: 'That's pretty good. I feel safe.'

Dwight · Stanley · Phillip:Dwight warns Phillip about waking the 'grumpy old walrus' — Stanley: 'I heard that.' / Mama.

Stanley:The man who delivered my divorce papers came by fan boat, which was kind of fun.