Take Your Daughter To Work Day

Michael:I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me.

Pam:Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.

Pam:Name's Pam. Miss Beesly, if you're nasty.

Toby · Michael:Michael, you can't be nasty today. Because of that. Oh, God. Is that today?

Michael:This is like HBO. No limits. Who knows what I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated... I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw. And they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care. Both great movies, but still.

Michael · Dwight:Michael reluctantly addresses the children with a flat 'Hi, children.' after being pushed by Dwight.

Michael:I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.

Michael · Jim · Dwight:That's Batman. That's Batman. Okay. I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys? The ocean. I work with a bunch of nerds.

Ryan:Abby's my fiancee Stacey's daughter. I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. Actually, I better go check.

Michael:Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? If you don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox.

Melissa · Michael:I'm in eighth grade. / Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.

Michael:It's not that children make me uncomfortable. It's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.

Jim · Dwight:We'd have to explain everything. It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.

Angela:I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.

Ryan:Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies, immediately, with me.

Dwight · Abby:Hey, Abby, do you wanna help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool. No thanks.

Michael:I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.

Jim · Abby:Jim bonds with Abby over a shared love of 'From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler' and immediately recruiting her to help with sales calls.

Michael:Like I'm the conductor. But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here.

Sasha · Michael:All aboard for sales! Next stop, Kukabonga.

Dwight · Michael · Sasha:You broke my hand! There is no way that hurt. Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. Little girl, come over here. Shake my hand. Come on. I don't have all day. I don't feel anything. Nothing. You're so weak.

Dwight · Jakey:You call your mom, Meredith? That's very disrespectful.

Dwight · Jakey:Whatever, okay? You can refer to me as Mr. Schrute. That's your name? Mr. Poop? Schrute. Mr. Schrute. Sure, Mr. Poop.

Dwight · Sasha:Child calls Dwight 'Mr. Poop' after mishearing 'Schrute.' Dwight corrects her multiple times. She persists. He concedes: 'Schrute.'

Child · Creed:Are you Mother Goose?

Kelly:I drink like a hundred iced macchiatos a day and practically nothing else.

Kelly · Child:You've never been to Jitterz? Ryan, you are so dorky.

Kelly · Child:Give me your number so I can text you. Come on. Do you have an e-mail address?

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley's confrontation with Ryan: 'That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon.'

Stanley:Boy, have you lost your mind? No. 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus can come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.

Ryan:Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Dwight:That was Greensleeves, a traditional English ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn.

Dwight:Dwight reads Struwwelpeter to children: 'And then cuts their thumbs clean off.' There's a photo.

Michael:The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.

Michael · Dwight · Child:What's a Nazi? Nazi was a fascist movement... Don't... From the 1930s in Germany... Don't, don't talk about Nazis in front of... You know what? They're gonna have nightmares. Why don't you just shut it?

Dwight:I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.

Jakey · Michael:Bye, Mr. Poop. All right. There goes Mr. Poop.

Michael:Children cannot lie. They are innocent and they speak the truth. And out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool.

Dwight:I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities.

Michael:See all these? You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?

Michael · Child:And then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it. That's not fair.

Child · Michael:You're just a middleman. I'm not just a middleman. Wait. Why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper directly to people? You are describing Office Depot. And they're kind of running us out of business.

Michael:There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody. This is Creed. And he is in charge of something.

Creed:Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?

Michael:You know, there's something interesting about me that you might want to know. I used to be the star of a kids' show.

Michael · Child:There was a show called Fundle Bundle and I was the star. That doesn't sound like a show.

Michael:Ryan, I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson City. And if she is at the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked. I want you to boost yourself up...

Ryan · Dwight · Michael:I'm already getting the pizzas from Brunetti's, so... / You know, I can go with him. No! I will go.

Michael:I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.

Michael:The Fundle Bundle tape plays: child-Michael on TV being interviewed.

Michael:Yes! That is Edward R. Meow.

Michael:That guy's legit. (about the local TV weatherman who appeared on Fundle Bundle)

Child · Michael · Kevin:Do you have a girlfriend? I do okay. Even I have a girlfriend.

Child · Michael:So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be? I guess not.

Michael:Michael retreats to his office with a slice of pizza and goes quiet.

Pam · Jim:He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone. I can't believe his mom dressed him like that. That's the real tragedy.

Melissa:That woman is not my mother. That is my stepmother.

Jakey · Dwight:Mr. Poop, I have to tell you something. Okay. But first, that's not my name. You're ugly.

Dwight:Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school.

Meredith · Dwight:Meredith's daughter has apparently stolen items, and Meredith's response when they're returned is 'Oh, that's okay. She can keep those. Believe me, she has enough toys.'

Michael · Toby:You have to ask me that because you work for Human Resources. That's true.

Michael · Toby:Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids? / Well, you need a wife first. Or at least a girlfriend. / What about... / Not Jan.

Toby · Michael:A foster parent or something. / Or biologically. / Somehow.

Michael · Toby:Hey, does Sasha have a godfather? Because... Yes. Okay.

Child · Jim · Kevin:Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight? Oh, man, I would love to. I can't tonight. But can I come over some other time? What are you doing? You never have plans.

Jim · Kevin:Thanks, Kev. I'm actually going on a date. Nice.

Michael:Hey, no please. You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do. (Michael produces a guitar)

Pam · Jim:Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play. I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.

Michael:And they do. Your parents love you very much. One more time.

Dwight:The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood.

Dwight:No, they didn't eat the children. It never came to that.