Ryan Howard

Michael · Ryan:Ryan's introduction: Michael greets him with 'Howard, like Moe Howard, Three Stooges' and immediately does Moe impressions at a job applicant.

Ryan · Michael:Ryan: 'You should have put him in custardy.' Michael: 'Oh, hey! Yes! New guy, and he scores!'

Michael · Ryan · Pam:Michael's fake firing setup: 'As you know, there's going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'Hey, temp, why don't you take two. Because you don't get healthcare, and faster metabolism.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael and Ryan doing a 'secret sign' handshake greeting that is clearly not secret at all and slightly awkward

Michael · Ryan:Ryan is described as having 'a lot of passion, a lot of heart' — Ryan's response: 'But I'm getting paid to skip lunch, right?'

Ryan:Ryan's talking-head: 'Basketball was kinda my thing in high school. And I'm... Yeah. I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael introduces Katy and asks Ryan to watch the purses; Ryan explains he's installing File Share; Michael: 'Yeah, well, blah dee blooh dah blah blah. Techno babble. Just do it, okay?'

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'I should never have let the temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons, and now I have four folders.' Ryan: 'It's actually better this way.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan, examining the garbage in Michael's car: 'Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?' Michael: 'That's over several months, Ryan.' Ryan: 'Still...'

Jim · Ryan:Jim tells Ryan he's planning to see Katy this weekend: 'dinner, drinks, movie... matching tattoos.' Ryan: 'That's great. Big stuff.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking-head: Michael has taped every Dundies and is making Ryan watch hours of footage to find highlights.

Kevin · Ryan:Kevin stands in front of the camcorder all night in the old footage, blocking it.

Michael · Ryan:'The hottest in the office award goes to... Ryan the temp!'

Ryan:Ryan's confessional about receiving the 'hottest in the office' award: 'What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I don't know what I'm gonna do. That's the least of my concerns right now.'

Todd Packer · Ryan:Packer asks Ryan to drive him around 'because of the DUI situation'

Todd Packer · Ryan:Packer greets Ryan: 'Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got lost for half an hour.' / Ryan: 'I don't have any DUIs, so I can drive myself. But thanks.'

Ryan:What was the thing you needed me to come in early for?

Michael · Ryan:Ryan says he wants to own his own company; Michael responds: 'That is ridiculous.'

Ryan:Ryan's reaction: 'Got it.' — after the circular rule-one wisdom

Ryan:Ryan's reaction to 'Adapt, react, readapt, apt' — asking Michael to take it slower

Michael · Ryan · Dwight:The count-off: Michael insists he is number one, refuses to let Ryan be number two, assigns him 'number 14' because 'Marjorie's not here today'

Ryan:Ryan: 'I don't wanna be, like, a guy here, you know? Like, Stanley is the crossword-puzzle guy and Angela has cats. I don't wanna have a thing here.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael vs. Ryan: business school quiz. Michael confidently answers 'equal' to whether it's cheaper to acquire or retain a customer. Ryan: 'It is 10 times more expensive to sign a new customer.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael reacts to Ryan explaining 'market fragments': 'You are so smart. You are so effing smart. You should be teaching me.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head response: 'I can't believe I started the fire.'

Michael · Ryan · Dwight:Ryan's budget analysis finds one department with three people doing two people's work; Michael excitedly says 'Who do you think it should be?' Ryan: 'Jim.' Michael: 'No, Jim brings in money.'

Michael · Dwight · Ryan:Dwight begging not to be fired while Michael and others debate it in front of him — the escalating crosstalk of 'Not Dwight / I'm not saying that's what he said / I know that's what he said'

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan asks if Dwight's call was from his mom; Dwight clarifies it was his sensei. Ryan: 'Oh, I thought it was your mom.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael describing the emergency contact update as a 'top-secret mission'; Ryan responds flatly: 'Why is that secret?' Michael: 'Hello. Oh, God. Busywork. Oh, get away, cretin.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'That's the problem with being a boss, is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you. Catch-22.' Ryan: 'Catch-22. Yes.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael calls Ryan's cell phone doing a Michael Jackson impression: 'This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.' Ryan corrects him: 'You mean Neverland?' Michael: 'This is Tito.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan is palm-reading Michael: 'You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?' Michael: 'I am just following the website.'

Michael · Kevin · Ryan:Kevin's emergency contact is 'Stacey' — and Michael calls the number doing a Mike Tyson impression: 'Hello? This is Mike Tyson.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael's emergency contact is Todd Packer. He reveals: 'Todd F. Packer. Know what the F stands for?' Ryan: 'Fudge?' Michael: 'Yeah.'

Ryan:And I could work here for years. And years and... years.

Ryan:I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool too. I'm not a complainer.

Dwight · Ryan · Kevin · Oscar:Office gossip chain: "That's my girlfriend." / "I heard they made out and had sex." / "I heard they just made out." / "Well, I heard they made out... and had sex."

Ryan:Ryan: "Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?"

Ryan · Michael:Ryan opens his Secret Santa gift to reveal a video iPod — a $400 gift when the limit was $20

Michael · Ryan:"Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee!" / "Oh, no, I REALLY did not do anything."

Jim · Ryan:Ryan on the phone at the party, pretending to be on an important call — Jim: "You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know." / Ryan: "I was just checking out my present."

Michael · Ryan:Ryan asks to skip the mandatory booze cruise to study for a business school exam; Michael says 'You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan. I'm already in business school.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan finds pudding cups at a gas station in Carbondale — Michael celebrates this as a major achievement

Michael · Ryan:'Did you get the yams?' 'No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight delegates spring cleaning to Ryan: 'Do you think, or do you know?' Ryan: 'I think.'

Ryan:Ryan returns: 'What's going on in here?' / 'What? I did not do that.' — immediate defensive denial before anyone accuses him

Ryan:Ryan in talking head, insistent: 'It wasn't me. It wasn't me. It was not me.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim and Ryan conversation that slides into vacation planning: 'I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend. And when I wake up, I feel fine. But it's so weird to fall asleep.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I hooked up with her on February 13th.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan to Kelly: 'I mean, I know that it's Valentine's Day or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all of any kind whatsoever.'

Ryan · Kelly:Kelly declines Ryan's invitation because she has plans — Jim's poker game — and Ryan's visible non-reaction / the beat of awkward politeness between them.

Michael · Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Phyllis · Creed · Ryan:Michael yelling 'Heisman!' while throwing a football in the parking lot, interspersed with him demanding the ball back from every single coworker including Creed, as the football chaotically passes through the entire office staff

Michael · Ryan:Ryan gets tackled or knocked down during the football game; Michael's only follow-up is a perfunctory 'You all right, Ryan?' and Ryan's flat 'Yeah.'

Ryan · Pam · Jim:Ryan casually mentions he doesn't see himself ever getting married — Pam reacts with an 'Oh.' — long uncomfortable beat — then Ryan is later told to be more sensitive because 'it's obvious she likes you'

Jim · Ryan:Jim pulls Ryan aside: 'Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you.' — Ryan: 'I know what I said.' — Then Ryan pivots to apologize to someone for their hearing aid, completely changing the subject

Ryan:Abby's my fiancee Stacey's daughter. I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. Actually, I better go check.

Ryan:Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies, immediately, with me.

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley's confrontation with Ryan: 'That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon.'

Ryan:Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Ryan · Dwight · Michael:I'm already getting the pizzas from Brunetti's, so... / You know, I can go with him. No! I will go.

Michael · Ryan:Michael says 'Calling cards are the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.' Ryan immediately asks 'Who uses calling cards anymore?'

Michael · Ryan:Michael responds to 'It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme' with 'Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight to Ryan: 'Hey, temp, you know, we still got five feet of sandwich left.' Ryan: 'Someone ate three feet of that thing?' Dwight: 'Hell, yeah.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight's interrogation of Ryan: 'Your ass is on the line, Mister!' followed by Ryan calmly answering 'Six' when asked what time he left

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight threatens to search Ryan's car 'the hard way' — which turns out to be going to the police station on his lunch break to get a warrant

Ryan:Ryan: 'Yeah, let's do it that way.' — after Dwight outlines the elaborate warrant process

Kelly · Ryan · Michael:Kelly: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Michael: 'Join the club.' Ryan: 'My voicemail's real spotty sometimes.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'I don't like you.' — delivered directly to Michael.

Ryan:Ryan orders 'one 7 and 7 with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can' — and the bartender's look

Ryan:'So, that's still going on? You and Kelly?' — implied by someone (likely Toby or Jim) with the flat affect of genuine sympathy/horror

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'it will not say Ryan Howard is a temp. It will say Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. That'll show 'em.'

Ryan · Pam:Ryan approaches Pam's desk to ask her something, she answers the phone mid-sentence and takes a message, leaving him hanging. He forgets what he was going to say.

Ryan:Ryan's talking head explaining the new clothes: 'I just... I felt like it was time to maybe, just get new clothes.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael eagerly volunteers to go to the warehouse to get Ryan a pencil — an absurdly menial errand for a regional manager — just to use the rope swing/zip line

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'Do you know where we are, temp?' Ryan: 'I know where we're not.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight hands Ryan a beet seed and begins a solemn speech; a goat or animal walks in and interrupts, causing Dwight to yell 'Damn it.'

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan: 'I don't think you know what you're saying.' Dwight pivots immediately to a demonstration about bull manure: 'It smells pretty bad, doesn't it?'

Dwight · Ryan:'It smells pretty bad, doesn't it?' 'Uh-huh.' 'It's called bull crap, and a client can smell it from a mile away.'

Dwight · Mose · Ryan:Eerie music plays at Schrute Farms; Mose runs past in the background while Dwight and Ryan stand solemnly

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'You have walked the long, lonely walk of loneliness...' Ryan cuts him off to call out the hazing

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan: 'Look, man, I was in a frat in college, so I know what you're doing. I get it.' Dwight's response: 'You know what your problem is? You think you know everything.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight's formal question session: 'What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?' Ryan: 'Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.' Dwight: 'Wrong. Flash floods.'

Dwight · Ryan:Ryan hears a noise; Dwight: 'Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.' Ryan: 'Is that your cousin Mose?'

Dwight · Ryan:'What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?' Ryan: 'Depression?' Dwight: 'Wrong. He hated himself.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight asks the final question: 'What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?' Ryan answers: 'Loneliness.' Then adds: 'Maybe women.'

Ryan:Ryan answers Michael's greatest fear: 'Loneliness.' pause. 'Maybe women.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!' — followed by Ryan's absolute refusal and Dwight's 'Just get in the coffin.'

Ryan · Michael (referenced):Michael always says 'K-I-S-S. Keep It Simple, Stupid.' Ryan: 'Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan confessional: 'They really didn't like me.' Michael: 'They did not. But they didn't have to say it to your face.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight and Ryan running and yelling 'Temp! Temp! Temp!' and 'Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!' as they apparently speed through the parking lot — a celebratory release after the sales win

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight to Ryan: 'Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.' Ryan: 'I think about that all the time.'

Dwight · Ryan:'Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.' / 'I think about that all the time.'

Jim · Pam · Ryan:Ryan walks in and interrupts Jim and Pam's call; they scramble to end the conversation with multiple awkward false starts: 'Okay, bye!' 'Oh, yeah, I should probably go, too...' 'Oh, no, I was...' 'I don't know what...' 'Do you have to go?' 'Yeah... No, I should probably go, too.'

Jim · Pam · Ryan:Ryan walks in on Pam's phone call; Pam hastily ends the conversation: 'Hey, Ryan, are you okay? Pam? Yeah. Yeah. Pam? Okay, bye!' followed by mutual confused trying to hang up

Unknown Coworker · Ryan:Nice dress, Ryan. / It's not a dress, it's a kurta.

Phyllis · Ryan:Phyllis or another female coworker fawning over Ryan in his kurta: 'You look so handsome. You really do.' / 'How come you didn't get me one?'

Ryan · Kelly · Kelly's sisters:Ryan approaches Kelly's sisters; they speak to him in Hindi, and Kelly screams at them: 'Rupa, Neepa, Tiffany, stop acting like such little losers and just be cool!'

Ryan · Kelly's sisters:Kelly's sisters apparently say something to Ryan about Zach Braff.

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight spots Ryan across the Diwali party and yells 'Temp! Temp!' while chasing him down.

Kelly's Mom · Kelly · Ryan:Kelly's parents try to set up Kelly with a doctor named Vali while Ryan stands there: 'Ryan is a temporary worker. Makes no money. Vali is a whole doctor, so handsome. Makes good money.' / Kelly: 'Do you think I want to date a doctor?'

Ryan · Kelly's Parents:Ryan's talking head with Kelly's family: 'Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So the compensation is a lot more competitive.' / 'So you're saving money now to start a family and home?' / 'Oh, or travel? And buy an Xbox.'

Ryan · Kelly's parents:Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So the compensation is a lot more competitive. / So you're saving money now... / ...to start a family and home? / Oh, or travel? / And buy an Xbox.

Ryan · Kelly's Parents:Kelly's family asks if there's anything Ryan wanted to ask them; Ryan asks: 'Can you believe that my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Is it?'

Ryan · Kelly's parents:Can you believe that my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? / That is so Michael. / Is it? / He's really outgoing, huh? / Yeah.

Ryan:Ryan's confession: 'As far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best.'

Ryan:Ryan inventing excuses not to go to Benihana: MSG allergy, peanut allergy, 'I just ate there last night.'

Ryan:Ryan's confessional — Karen asks if he wants to talk about something; he says 'Nope.' Full stop. Camera holds.

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley refuses to pick anyone, says 'Pass.' Michael insists. Stanley says 'I'll take the kid.' Ryan's talking head: 'I was his second choice, after pass.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I'm very flattered. I was his second choice, after Pass.'

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley introduces Ryan to his client Julius as part of his pitch, then says 'I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword puzzle.'

Ryan:Ryan's pitch begins. He says 'Hi.' Client says 'Hello, Ryan.' Ryan says 'Hi' again. Long pause. Another 'Hi.'

Client · Ryan:Client recaps Ryan's pitch: 'And you just said, "Hi. Hi. Hi."... You sounded like... My niece. And she's six months old.'

Jim · Ryan:Ryan: 'Do you want to pull a prank on Andy?' Ryan: 'Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim: 'I liked you better as the temp.' Ryan: 'Me too.'

Ryan:I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy, the art.

Pam · Ryan:You know, Ryan, I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever. / RYAN: Okay.

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?'

Michael · Ryan:Michael asks Ryan what the most inspiring thing he ever said was; Ryan deadpans: 'Don't be an idiot. Changed my life.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael has pre-planned a hat-toss moment with the line 'May your hats fly as high as your dreams' — for a class where nobody is graduating

Michael · Ryan:Michael calls Ryan 'spazzy boy' and 'such a little spazz' while Ryan is driving, causing the car to swerve; Michael says 'We have fun'

Michael · Ryan:Michael tells Ryan to 'pack your things' — Ryan panics thinking he's being fired; Michael reveals he's just moving Ryan to the annex 'where Kelly is'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly's story about Ryan being scared of a murderer in his apartment and calling her at night — Ryan's attempt to reframe: 'I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But if he did intend that... wow. Genius.'

Kelly · Ryan · Michael · Darryl:Kelly calls a warehouse worker 'Sea Monster'; Ryan says 'Dude, please, tell your girl to shut up'; Michael says 'Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.' Kelly: 'Are you kidding me?' Darryl: 'All right, we out of here.'

Jim · Pam · Kevin · Angela · Ryan · Oscar:The office workers betting on how many jellybeans (or similar objects) are in a jar; escalating guesses with Kevin being eliminated: 'Ten. Kev's out. Damn it!'

Kelly · Ryan:The Netflix queue explanation to Ryan: an extended, patient explanation of how queue reordering works, concluding with 'It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?'

Ryan · Pam · Jim:Ryan's talking-head: timed Kelly's Netflix explanation at 2 minutes 42 seconds; Pam wins ten because Kelly said 'awesome' 12 times; Jim wins five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Ryan:Ryan: 'We're laughing at Phyllis but she's not even here. So, no harm, no foul.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior section. There are petite adults who are sort of smaller, who need to wear maybe a kids' size 10.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'Sometimes the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I am forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly: 'I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.' Ryan: 'Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm is turning people off.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan chooses Michael as his teammate: 'I choose Michael!' Michael: 'I'm not playing.' Ryan: 'Okay, temp.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: He secretly set up a Word document instead of a real blog for Creed, to protect the world from Creed's thoughts. 'Even for the internet, it's pretty shocking.'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan's talking head: 'Wow. That was some serious, hardcore, self-destruction.' / 'Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.' / 'Don't. She's nuts.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'Ryan, coffee.' / Ryan: 'I don't do that stuff anymore.' / Michael: 'No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'People keep calling me a wunderkind. I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means. It means very successful for your age. So I guess it makes sense, but it's a weird word.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.' Ryan: 'Excellent! Simpsons.' Dwight: 'Wait, Imodium or Ex-Lax?' Ryan: '...'. Cut to: Toby running very well.

Ryan · Michael:You're gonna have to treat me the same way you treated Jan. / That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way. / I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.

Ryan · Kelly:I said no because I was committed to our relationship. / Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant. And guess what, buddy? I am keeping it.

Ryan · Jan:So, elephant in the room, I have your old job. / Well, not exactly my job. I mean, I had a different title. / Oh, well, excuse me. Same office, same responsibilities. Different salary. You'll get there. Don't worry.

Ryan · Kelly:You lied about being pregnant. Right. So? / You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry? / No. We're never getting back together. / Why not?

Ryan:Yes, Kelly is Indian. I understand that's confusing.

Ryan · Andy:Next night, I'm out at a bar, 2:00 a.m. I figure I'll get a sandwich, 'cause you can get a sandwich any time of the night. I run into Vince Vaughn. / No way. / Literally. / Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do.

Ryan · Pam:Ryan asks Pam to dinner after approving her logo designs — 'Wear something nice'

Michael · Ryan:This office will not be using any new technology ever. / Starting now. / That is not correct.

Ryan:I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise, but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. It was $200.

Ryan:Ryan's talking head about the website launch devolving into business buzzword salad: 'Apple's apple is flying at 30,000 feet... don't get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest... convergence, viral marketing, we're going guerilla... keeping an eye on the stree, Wall Street... I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael is introduced on the New York webcam by Ryan and immediately says: 'I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that, asshole.' Ryan: 'Always a jokester.'

Michael · Ryan:Ryan calls Michael: 'First off, thanks for the shout-out.' Michael pretends to have a bad connection: 'You're breaking up. I can't hear you.' Ryan: 'Why's there a kid on your web cam saying he's being held against his...'

Ryan:Ryan's final drunk/humiliated talking head: 'I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way I thought it would... I have egg all over my face. And I'm 12 years old. I spent so much time in Scranton, but I never sold any paper. I started a fire with my cheese peeler. And dated an Indian girl. I started a fire. Now I got a beard. And I have new shoes and I'm your boss. I'm hot. I'm so hot. That's why everybody-- I don't get-- I don't understand that. That's part of it.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'Are you a cocktail waitress?' (about Michael having a second job)

Michael · Ryan · Darryl:Darryl is in the video conference meeting; Ryan: 'Why is Darryl here?' Michael: 'He works in the warehouse.' Ryan: 'I invited him.' Michael: 'It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs. This isn't information you need.' Darryl: 'This information here, yeah, you're right, I don't need this.'

Michael · Ryan · Dwight · Oscar · Toby:The 'whoever vs. whomever' debate: Oscar corrects Ryan, Dwight says 'whomever' is a made-up word to trick students, Ryan says it's the formal version — Oscar: 'Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly. Not a native speaker.'

Michael · Ryan · David Wallace:Michael to David Wallace: 'Ryan is being a little bitch again.' Then realizes Ryan is on the call: 'I'm on, Michael.'

Ryan:Ryan confessional: 'When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.'

Ryan · Stanley:Ryan: 'I'm gonna miss you, man. You've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus.'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan enthusiastically recounting the trip in a TH; Jim walks in and flatly says 'Hey. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just wrap it up.'

Michael · Ryan:No. Money isn't everything, Ryan. And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude. / Take the call, friend. I refuse.

Ryan · Michael:Ryan's corporate visit framing: he's caused the entire branch to work Saturday, and Michael greets him as 'my favorite branch'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan subtly threatening Jim after Jim reveals he told David Wallace about the website concerns at the Christmas party

Ryan · Stanley:"When will that be? TBD."

Ryan · Phyllis:The Dunder Mifflin website was 'infiltrated by sexual predators' via its social networking feature

Ryan:"And then an older gentleman asks you, 'Boxers or briefs?'"

Michael · Ryan:Michael physically clinging to Ryan while begging for a girlfriend hookup in New York

Ryan:Ryan's reaction when he sees Michael and Dwight: dramatically enthusiastic, then cut to him telling his NYC friends 'Thanks a lot, guys. Good job!'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: "You resemble the Tolkien character." (about Troy the hobbit-sized friend) / Ryan: "He basically is, man. He's a regular banking wizard." / Dwight: "No, no, not a wizard. A hobbit."

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight notices Troy has been to the bathroom several times and diagnoses a possible bladder infection, then offers to order cranberry juice

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight to Ryan: 'This needs to be shared.' — then Ryan sees Dwight has been narrating the weevil situation to Michael via text/radio

Troy · Ryan:Troy's monologue about nuclear holocaust and jungle tribes ruling the world — Ryan's 'Yeah, maybe' response

Michael · Dwight · Ryan:Ryan's apartment: one sofa, one floor; Michael and Dwight fight for the sofa while Ryan watches; Dwight offers to sing a lullaby

Dwight · Ryan · Michael:Dwight offers to sing a sick-bed lullaby to Ryan; Ryan says no; Dwight persists

Ryan:Ryan confessional: 'I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?'

Ryan · Jim · Toby:Ryan gives Jim a formal performance warning — but it's transparently retaliatory because Jim talked to Wallace about Ryan's website

Ryan:Ryan: 'I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it.'

Ryan:Ryan's confessional: 'I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk... has finally caught up to him... with Pam.' (extended pause before 'with Pam')

Jim · Ryan · Kevin:Ryan returns with a goatee. Jim: 'And you got a goatee.' Ryan: 'I did.' Jim: 'Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?' Ryan: 'Yes.' Jim: 'Goatee!' / 'Fired guy!'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan's apology to Jim includes: 'I realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history.' Jim: 'You're talking about your court-ordered community service?' Ryan: 'I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.' Jim: 'But he did, right?'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan apologizes to Kelly: 'I think I never really processed 9/11.' Kelly's response: 'Cool. We should get a drink later, catch up.' / 'Pick me up around 8:00?'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly's brutal rejection of Ryan's reconciliation attempt: 'I'm dating Darryl still and we're like crazy in love, so...' / Ryan: 'Cool.' — five-second pause — 'Well, maybe I'll see you around. It's a small office.'

Holly · Ryan:Holly says 'without mentioning any names' about the fired corporate employee — Ryan is sitting right there

Michael · Ryan · Office:Ryan sits in the meeting; Michael says 'He was hired.' The office reacts with 'Ooh, hired guy.'

Ryan · Holly:Ryan's 'good speech' is him bragging about hooking up with a Survivor contestant lookalike

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim... I played it full-on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it costs.'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan mentions Kelly's America's Got Talent finale party — Jim didn't go. 'Crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there.' 'You were, remember you being there.' Jim: 'I wasn't, but thank you.'

Kelly · Ryan:This can't happen again. / This has to happen again.

Kelly · Ryan · Jim (inferred) · Darryl (inferred):Darryl can't happen again. / Look at me. / Do you want me to do more push-ups? / Yeah. / Okay.

Ryan:We're back together again, baby. We're back. They tried to keep us apart, but they couldn't. It was like destiny. I — I realized that, for whatever reason, I just couldn't do better than Kelly.

Pam · Ryan:Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me? / Oh, totally. / Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still?

Pam · Ryan:Are you inching away from me? / No. / Reach your arms out. / I'm always this close.

Ryan:Camptown lady sing this song doo-dah doo-dah [Ryan humming to escape]

Michael · Dwight · Ryan · Toby:Michael trying to provoke Toby into hitting him — 'You scared? Those are fighting words. You mad? You want to punch me? Hmm? Huh???' while escalating

Ryan:Shoulda hit him, man. Guy was asking for it. Once in a lifetime, man.

Pam · Ryan:Pam confronted by Ryan about the microwave — eventually agrees 'someone's gonna have to just get in there and clean it up' / 'I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?' / 'Oh no, trust me. I would just make it worse.'

Ryan · Pam:Oh, no, trust me. I would just make it worse. / How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse? / I-- I would find a way.

Kelly · Ryan:I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you. / That was your choice. Don't put that on me.

Ryan:I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school. Well, a high school.

Ryan:Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time, and if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing.

Ryan · Pam:Ryan to Pam: 'What do you make, secretary?' Pam: 'Back to work, shoe bitch.'

Michael · Pam · Ryan:Michael openly steals bowling shoes from the rack while no one is watching. Pam: 'Look what he's doing.' Michael: 'He's already paying for himself.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat ten feet away from my fiancée. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up, and then I do something too big. Like this. Who does this?'

Michael · Ryan:Michael's pep talk attempt: 'My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world, and that's why God made so many—' Ryan cuts him off: 'We don't have any money.'

Ryan:Ryan to Pam in the car: 'How come out of everyone in the office, I'm the only one who went with you? Is it because I'm that stupid? I mean, your own grandmother doesn't even believe in you.'

Ryan · Michael:What should we do now? / We wait and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon.

Michael · Pam · Ryan · Charles:Oh, this is awkward. [beat after Michael, Pam, and Ryan pass Charles in the hallway]

Michael · Ryan:How is it insulting to say that you're good at something? / Because the thing you're saying I'm good at is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.

Michael · Ryan:I could run GM, but I couldn't fix a car. / Really? 'Cause it sounds like one of those is better than the other.

Michael · Ryan:I don't want to look at your friend Jasmine's boobs all day. / You could be hot too if you made any effort at all.

Michael · Ryan:Like how? Dying my hair blonde? / This is from the sun.

Pam · Ryan:We could work from home. / Or you could fire one of us. / Whoever has less education.

Michael · Pam · Ryan:One, two, three, [expected cheer] — No, you're supposed to say 'Rock the house!' / How would we know that?

Ryan · Pam · Michael:That's my corner. / I thought that was your corner. / No, this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work. / Is my corner the one with the copier?

Michael · Ryan · Stanley:She's upstairs talking to Charles. / What for? / I don't know. / Are we staying till 5:00?

Ryan · Michael:These are terrible, boss. You've gotta make 'em in a circle so they cook evenly. They're shaped like paper.

Michael · Ryan:I'm not gonna do that. That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan? I can get there.

Michael · Ryan · Pam:U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, you ugly, you mama says you ugly — Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

Ryan:Ryan's reaction to the morning cheer: 'I'm here. I'm part of this now.' — delivered flatly to camera.

Ryan:Ryan trying to reach the Schofield account: 'Mr. Schofield, please.' / 'He's in a meeting.' / 'Damn it!'

Ryan:Ryan on Michael's Rolodex: 'Look at that old dude and his Rolodex go. I spent a month putting that Rolodex on his BlackBerry, which he now uses as a nightlight.'

Ryan:Wow. High score?

Michael · Ryan:Come on. No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. De-nied!

Ryan:Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air... that just really makes me sick.

Ryan · Michael:You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael? — Milk and sugar. — Awesome. You're a life saver. — Wait, is this just milk and sugar? — That's what I said. — Do you drink this every day? — Every morning.

Michael · Pam · Ryan:We have 20... Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry, no. It's... It's a paper company now. It's not for the church.

Michael · Pam · Ryan:You know what we need? We need some couches. — We should really consider getting a delivery guy. — You know what you would love? It's if we built a loft. — Why would I love that? — Can we afford a delivery guy? — Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top. — I know what a loft is. — Most dorm rooms don't even have that. — Most do in the magazines.

Ryan:A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.

Michael · Ryan · Pam:Right. So... Why don't you explain what that is... So they can under... — Explain what that is. — Explain what you think that is. — Just explain.

Michael · Ty · Ryan:Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again. — It's a program. There's no such... — Just crunch 'em, please. — Crunch. Did it help?

Ryan · Pam:I never went to Thailand. — Really? — I went to Fort Lauderdale. — Was it nice? — Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great pad thai place, though. — I love pad thai. — You never had pad thai.

Michael · Ryan · Pam · Jim:Are you being serious? — He's bluffing. — What you don't understand is that this company's worthl... — We don't have... — I'm here to learn as little information as possible.

Michael · Pam · Ryan · Jim:Maybe. — Three yes.

Michael · Jim · Ryan:We're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks. — Missed the last part. — That's a pun. — Got it.

Michael · Ryan · Pam:OK, so you're not going to reveal in any way that we're broke. Of course not. That we're having any problems at all. Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate we are going broke. There is no way in hell that I'm going to say that we're broke. — I'm really worried I'm gonna say it.

David Wallace · Michael · Ryan:In order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer. — And we are prepared to reject that offer. — You haven't even heard... — Never accept their first offer. — What is your second offer? — $12,000.

Michael · Pam · Ryan:$60,000? — We are so... — rich. — Jerry, the one that got away.

Michael · Ryan · Pam:How could you do this to me? You just cost me $60,000. — Why would you get the whole thing? It's a lot of money. — But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. — Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish? — I would rather have $60,000, honestly.

Ryan · Michael:Ryan distributes memos written in invisible ink — 'Fresh, hot ink.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael praises Ryan and Pam for 'having the stones' to follow him, then the Chiklis/Commish/Shield debate

Michael · Stanley · Ryan · Pam · Andy · Dwight:Michael cross-examines the salespeople about their lunch — Stanley's detailed salmon salad order — then uses it to steal their lunches

Michael · Ryan · Dwight · Andy:Michael and Ryan eating stolen office lunches — including Dwight's pony meat sandwich

Ryan · Dwight · Jim:Ryan vs. Dwight phone battle over client Mr. Bart — both talking over each other on the same call

Dwight · Ryan:'You're a secretary! What do you know?' / 'And you're a temp! And I'm taking your phone. I'm confiscating this!'

Ryan · Pam:Ryan and Pam compete graciously for the sales job by recommending each other to Michael

Ryan:I don't do lunch. I'm doing five small meals a day now. Now that I'm back to doing the job of a temp again, I find that food is one thing I can control.

Dwight · Ryan · Erin:Ryan asks Dwight to put Erin on his row ('Bro-migo'); Dwight misreads it as Ryan wanting Erin to set him up for spikes, and offers Phyllis instead: 'She's the best setter on the team.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight misreads Ryan's request to be next to Erin as wanting her to set up his spike — 'Sly dog' — then puts him next to Phyllis instead

Ryan:Ryan sitting on the ground during the game, saying 'We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77, so...' [implying $75/person for a wedding is fine]

Ryan · Pam · Kelly:Ryan commits: 'Yes. I'm coming to your wedding.' / 'Okay. Ryan Howard, yes.' / 'Probably yes.' / 'Kelly Kapoor, yes.'

Ryan · Pam:Ryan: 'Niagara Falls in October? Hells yeah!' — then refuses to fill out an RSVP card

Ryan:Ryan: 'I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs' and will text directions 'the day of.'

Ryan · Kelly · Michael:Michael asks Ryan and Kelly to share their room. Ryan: 'Oh, gross.' Kelly: 'Blow my brains out.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly to Ryan: 'Do you think they'll cancel?' Ryan: 'Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim.' Kelly: 'Those two treat the whole office like a 1970s key party.'

Ryan:Ryan on the mafia: 'First of all, there's no such thing as the mafia. What you have are specific families.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan asks about fedoras — 'Do you think I should get a fedora?' — while the office is in crisis

Michael · Ryan:'Where'd you get your fedora?' / 'I'd rather not say.'

Jim · Oscar · Ryan:The article about Dunder Mifflin declaring bankruptcy cuts off mid-sentence and costs $1.99 to finish.

Ryan:Ryan and one other decline the limo invitation with flat 'No thanks' / 'No.' Then someone says 'I'll use it when you're done.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim asks Ryan to consolidate contacts into Outlook. Ryan: 'Doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under.' Extended back-and-forth ends with 'Might as well do it now.'

Jim · Phyllis · Ryan:Jim asks 'What's so funny?' about being co-manager. Phyllis reveals he can't fire people. Jim asks who told them. Various people point to Ryan. Ryan: 'Sorry, I'm plastered.'

Ryan:Ryan's excuse for not doing data entry: 'I'm such a perfectionist that I'd kinda rather not do it at all than do a crappy version.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim's approach to Ryan's distraction: 'I think I know the problem. I think you seem distracted.' / Ryan: 'Yep, that is the problem.' / Jim: 'And you know what, I came up with something and I think it's really gonna help.' — then reveals Ryan's 'new office' (a closet or storage room)

Jim · Ryan:Jim's solution to Ryan's distraction: he gives Ryan a tiny office (closet). 'Your new office. How great is that, right? For a job well done.' Ryan: 'Well... not done.'

Ryan:Ryan in his tiny new office: 'Is there internet?'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan greets Jim: 'Dr. Tuna M.D., I have some terrible news... The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.'

Ryan · Jim:Jim asks Ryan what their chances are. Ryan says '0%... Unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!'

Ryan:Ryan lists his impressive work history: 'Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.'

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan finds Dwight: 'I know about your diabolical plan. I found a copy of it in the copier tray.' Dwight: 'Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin...' Ryan: 'So what do you want?' / 'I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.'

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan to Dwight: 'So, listen, I know about your diabolical plan.' Dwight: 'What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin...' Ryan: 'I found a copy of it in the copier tray.'

Michael · Ryan · Jim:Michael tries to physically drag Ryan onto his lap ('Come here! Come here! I need this!'). Jim intervenes. Michael: 'You can't yell out, I need this, I need this, as you pin down an employee on your lap.' Michael: 'With two Santas in the room, things get ruthless.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight's talking-head: 'Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen, he's been promoted to sole manager. We have got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in 90 seconds. 89, 88...' Cut to Dwight waiting: 'You're 20 minutes late.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight: 'Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.' (In response to Ryan asking 'Did you see Saw?')

Dwight · Ryan:Ryan's plan: lure Jim to Dwight's barn and do 'what they did in Saw.' Dwight: 'I mean, we don't kill him, obviously.' Ryan: 'He's supposed to cut his leg off?'

Ryan:Ryan's talking-head: 'You know, I say I'll do these things like work with Dwight on a diabolical plot or watch all the Michael Moore movies, and then I don't know, I just lose interest and bail. I just gotta stick with one of them, you know? I'm looking forward to this plot making me a better person.'

Dwight · Ryan:Ryan: 'I don't-- I have a mask...' Dwight: 'Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life.' / 'He's supposed to cut his leg off?'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight on the IT guy: 'He's very trusting. He's looking for friends. He's been given an awesome amount of power and does not know how to wield it.' Ryan: 'Like Frodo.' Dwight: 'Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay, dumb jock?'

Dwight · Ryan:Ryan: 'Well, I think he can be corrupted, like Gollum.' Dwight: 'Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum. God, when this whole thing is done, I'm gonna bring you out to the farm and read you the entire trilogy and show you what an idiot you are.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.' (referring to Dwight)

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly reads Andy's Valentine's card aloud: 'You brighten my day with the sound of your voice. You bring so much laughter and love. You are everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me.' Ryan deadpans: 'Jeez Louise.' Kelly: 'I know. Obsessed with me much?'

Dwight · Ryan · Nick:Dwight threatening Nick: 'We could make things very, very difficult for you.' — followed by awkward silence and then Dwight's camera stare

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan's talking-head about the Dwight conspiracy: 'Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.' Dwight: 'Oh, temp, I like that. I'm gonna engrave that into a piece of wood.'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight and Ryan argue about where to celebrate. Ryan: 'No, because martini bars are pretentious.' Dwight: 'I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do.' Ryan: 'It is not farm boy swill. I will show you. It is beet vodka, and it is delicious.' Dwight: 'I'm not interested in anything I have to make myself.'

Ryan:Ryan and an unnamed person discussing cables: 'It's not a good idea to force it if the shapes don't match up.' / 'The shapes don't matter, Ryan. As long as there's a connection, stuff can pass through it.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim on selling at a loss: 'Sometimes it makes financial sense to lose money, right? Like for tax purposes.' Ryan: 'Actually, ran the numbers on this, and in this case it makes more financial sense to gain money.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly and Ryan cyberbully a girl from the mall. Ryan: 'Tell her everyone in homeroom thinks she's fat.' Kelly: 'Oh, that is so good.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly on interview prep: 'It's easy. You just turn every question around on them.' Practice: 'Do you think you're treated differently because of your race?' Kelly: 'Would you ask that same question if I was white?' Kelly/Ryan: 'We're so in.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly tells Ryan he can buy her old clothes. Ryan assumes she means free hand-me-downs; Kelly clarifies she means clothes she was going to give to Goodwill anyway — not gifting them to him.

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly: 'Will you make sure to come and visit me?' Ryan: 'I can't make it.' Kelly: 'What do you mean you can't make it? I haven't told you the dates.' Ryan: 'I'm sorry. What are the dates?' Kelly: 'No, you just said you couldn't make it and I didn't even tell you what the dates are.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly gets the Yale sweatshirt and does a celebratory leap/toss — throws it — Ryan catches it — 'And wait for it. Boom. Ah! I gave myself a front wedgie.'

Andy · Kelly · Ryan:Andy interrupts Kelly and Ryan's serious fight about the dates: 'Ah, scrote's still tender. I'm sorry.' Kelly: 'Andy, we're trying to have a private conversation.' Andy: 'I'm sorry.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan and Kelly's final argument: 'I'm not a liar.' 'Yes, you are.' 'No, I'm not.' 'It's — I don't always know the truth until I'm in it.' 'Are you sure?' 'No.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan corrects Kelly's 'some diner' reference: 'Some diner? It was the Starlight Diner. It's in a Life magazine spread about Americana.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan's rapid-fire infidelity checklist: 'Does she keep her phone locked? Does she watch how much she drinks? Does she leave the room for calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex?' — and Michael says 'Yeah, she does all that.'

Kelly · Ryan:"Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore. / Okay."

Pam · Ryan · Kelly:Pam and Ryan bicker about anthropology vs. Anthropologie (the store) — Pam says she read 'a book about anthropology', Ryan thought she meant the clothing store

Michael · Unknown woman · Ryan:Michael to the camera (or a woman in the office): 'You know what? I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you.' — the recipient asks 'What about Kelly?' — Michael: 'You read my mind. / Is this a joke? / Yep.'

Ryan · Michael:Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. / We're not going for yogurt.

Ryan · Michael:Guys, I couldn't help it. It is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. / It might be less interesting than a morgue. / Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.

Ryan:I can't control what I say to people. I spend the whole day talking. I mean, I video chat, I skype, I text, I tweet, I phone, I woof. / Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking.

Ryan · Erin:For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals, so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But look, why tell you, when I can show you? I just sent myself a woof. / Ryan, you have a woof on line one. / Thank you, Erin. / Woof!

Ryan · Pam · Ryan:Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case. / Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers? / No, okay, not all the computers. Just our computers.

Ryan · Darryl:Mike, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat. / Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl. / That's just what we need, another black man in prison, you know?

Ryan:If you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl. That's just what we need, another black man in prison, you know?

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam · Ryan · Creed · Andy · Oscar · Angela · Kevin · Darryl · Erin:The entire cold open lip sync/dance performance to 'Nobody But Me' — the whole office is participating in an elaborately choreographed music video, including Dwight with a CamelBak hydration pack, Creed awkwardly appearing, and Ryan ignoring it for his laptop

Ryan:Ryan sitting at his laptop during the office-wide lip sync, saying 'Wuphf.com. This is how you build a business.'

Ryan · Jim:Okay. Stark Industries isn't real. I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me-- / That sounds awesome. Just have him pitch to you.

Ryan · Kelly:Gossip about Jim and Pam's reaction to Danny's party: 'Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go.' / 'Or you're dead.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan and Kelly discuss not getting invited to parties: 'This sucks for Jim, right? But it also sucks for us, because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties.'

Ryan · Kelly:Party guest list: 'Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl, Creed's a maybe.' / 'Creed's going?'

Ryan · Michael · Erin:The WUPHF demo: 'I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard back.' / 'You should've sent me a WUPHF.' / [all devices go off simultaneously] WUPHF! WUPHF! Dot-com!

Erin · Ryan:Erin enthusiastically shouts 'WUPHF! WUPHF! Dot-com!' as the product demo jingle/chant.

Ryan:Yes, I have a dream. And it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.

Oscar · Ryan:Oscar suggests WUPHF as an emergency notification for shooters or gas leaks on college campuses. Ryan: 'No, no, Oscar, it's not a digital rape whistle.'

Ryan · Stanley:Ryan's WUPHF growth chart presentation: 'Triple your investment by January.' Stanley: 'Anyone can just throw numbers up on a chart.' Ryan: 'Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend... A lot of these guys are just mac.com, at their website whatever.'

Ryan · Michael:Earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend. You have his email? / A lot of these guys are just mac.com, at their website whatever.

Ryan · Michael · Office Staff · Oscar:Ryan's WUPHF condom marketing pitch: 50,000 condoms dropped from a helicopter over Spring Break Daytona Beach — the whole office joins in enthusiastically before Oscar brings it back to reality.

Ryan:Ryan's plan after extended deliberation: My aunt and uncle have a house in the Poconos. I can borrow it... no TV, no WUPHF... just play a video game, read a book, clear my head. I just need just, like, three good days.

Michael · Ryan:Ryan suggests a second mortgage on his condo. Michael: 'A lot of people are doing that. And there don't seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower.'

Ryan · Michael:You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot, eating our private meal cooked by our private chef. / Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so... / We totally should. / Tonight? / I got to work on this. / Oh, right. What am I saying? / Rain check.

Michael · Ryan:Ryan, I believe in you, just like I believe in all of you. / You have nine days to save everybody's money. / Oh... Uh, that's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time. / You can't have it.

Michael · Ryan · Stanley:WUPHF from Ryan Howard: 'Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.' / Thank God.

Kelly · Ryan · Jim:Hello Kitty laptop sleeve as the annual Sabre Christmas gift — 'Hello Kitty's for girls.' 'Nashua got mp3 players.'

Michael · Ryan:Michael describing Holly: 'How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover... and was a complicated part of my past...' Ryan: 'She's one sassy black lady.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'I will help. Although my 'brid... My hybrid... My Prius hybrid, won't fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.'

Ryan · Pam · Jim:'I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup.' [Pam suggests Darryl] 'You know Darryl?' 'Yeah, he works here. We all know him.'

Ryan:Ryan is playing guitar and a bystander asks 'Hey, it's just you. Anything you want to hear?' Ryan: 'Dave Matthews Band. No hits, deep tracks only.' Person leaves. Ryan: 'I said, no hits.'

Kevin · Ryan:Kevin interrupts Ryan's artistic monologue: 'Hey, Ryan. How's your fart project coming?' Ryan: 'That's real, real classy, Kevin.'

Kevin · Ryan:Kevin claps back at Ryan's 'real, real classy': 'Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?' Ryan: 'Me.' Kevin: 'Kevin, don't.' 'Come on.'

Meredith · Ryan:Meredith announces her resolution was 'to get more attention.' Ryan immediately: 'Nope, she's lying.'

Kelly · Ryan:Ryan and Kelly announce their divorce before anyone knew they were married

Kelly · Ryan:Ryan was crying a lot. That's not a relevant detail.

Ryan:No, with the messed-up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.

Kelly · Ryan:Ryan, I changed my mind. / Okay, fine. You know what? This actually isn't amicable at all, and we actually do need people to take sides.

Ryan:You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Takes a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people.

Andy · Erin · Ryan:Andy and Erin finding Ryan in the break room/office — it's implied he's with a woman. 'Oh. Cool.' followed by Andy and Erin gasping and looking away.

Ryan · Andy · Erin:Ryan accuses them of wanting to have sex in his office. 'You wanted to have sex in my office.' Andy: 'No. Definitely not. That's disgusting.' Ryan: 'It's cool. Just um, try to put everything back where you found it. Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here.'

Ryan · Toby · Kevin:Reaction beat: Three co-workers shown in separate interviews saying 'He finished his movie? No kidding.' / 'Wow. That's great.' / 'Yeah, good for him.' — each clearly surprised and vaguely condescending

Packer · Kevin · Ryan:Packer's apology: 'I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.' Kevin: 'I wasn't offended.' Packer: 'Well, like I said...'

Ryan:Ryan is selling his mom's pesto at the garage sale under false pretenses — he told her it was for a 'pesto party for all my friends'

Ryan:Ryan confessional: "And Phyllis just had that 'mom look' I wanted."

Customer · Ryan:"You got this kosher certified?" / "No. I meant like, 'It's cool. It's kosher. It's all good.'"

Ryan:Ryan's confessional: 'Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects.' — Ryan says this about himself in third person

Ryan:"Why would I want some random black man's old photo album sitting on my bookshelf? I'm not James Franco."

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley recognizes his own photo album in Ryan's garage sale pile

Ryan:Ryan's confessional: 'My mom also makes the best salsa.' — completely unprompted pivot after the Stanley confrontation

Jim · Ryan:Jim and Ryan plant the magic beans in a pot and something appears to have grown — 'That's impossible. It is, right? I mean, it's impossible.'

Ryan · Michael · Oscar:Ryan's 'breadsticks are like crack' exchange — 'What can I use? I don't know. Something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.' 'You're right, you're right. No, I'm a middle-class fraud.'

Ryan · Michael:Ryan demonstrates banter: 'Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.'

Andy · Jim · Pam · Dwight · Kevin · Erin · Oscar · Meredith · Angela · Stanley · Ryan:The office performs a parody of 'Seasons of Love' ('Rent') customized with Michael-specific details: 'You hit me with your car / You helped me get off drugs / I watch you when you sleep / I forgive you for kissing me'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'The problem with having it, or the x-factor... is that it's impossible to put into words what you're bringing to the table. So to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying, strongly implied that I'm Kelly's supervisor.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly: 'Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie.' Ryan: 'I'd die for you too.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan performing as Kelly's fake boss: 'Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company.' Kelly: 'Sure thing, Mr. Howard.' Ryan: 'Whoo.'

Deangelo · Ryan · Kevin:Deangelo reacts to 'sexist': 'Damn!' / Ryan: 'Whoa.' / Kevin: 'Hot.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan's talking head: 'So I am the new customer service supervisor. When Deangelo's around. And I'm also a very dutiful boyfriend when—' Kelly: 'All the time.' Ryan: 'All the time.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan's fake-boss performance with Kelly continues: 'Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company. No one likes a money-grubber.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'I did not see Rango.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan quietly tells Kelly: 'Close call. Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2:00 A.M., huh?'

Ryan:'Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly advocates for Darryl. Ryan says 'Minorities sticking together.' Kelly responds: 'I am so much more than that. I am a dancer. I'm a singer. I'm a fashion designer.'

Ryan:Kind of seems like the left side's the side to be on -- me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense, Pam.

Ryan:Don't be such a right-sider.

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan toasts 'someone who isn't here but who will be in just four short months — Welcome to the world, Philip Lipton.'

Andy · Ryan · Angela:What are you? Some kind of Jamaican zombie woman? / Ryan: Whoopi Goldberg. / Has no one here heard of Kerrigan from StarCraft?

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me. There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham — we just make a mistake.'

Ryan · Kelly · Other:Asking for a friend. Do you know if that new girl is single? / Doubt it. / Yeah, me too. / You doubt it? / What's that? / Why do you doubt that? / Honestly, I have no idea. / Just figured we'd save her from Ryan.

Ryan · Other staff:Ryan's follow-up: 'Just figured we'd save her from Ryan.' — said by someone else, while Ryan is in the room.

Ryan:Word on the street is she has a boyfriend. He's probably a drug dealer. The best way to land a hot girlfriend — you get her hooked on blow.

Andy · Ryan:Andy: 'All right, well it was really nice to meet you, Brian.' Ryan: 'Ah, it's actually Ryan.' Andy: 'Oh, Ryan. Yeah.' Ryan (under his breath): 'Bitch.'

Ryan:A-team's Ray Charles answer: 'Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer, where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?'

Ryan:Ryan: 'Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?'

Ryan:I have a new swimsuit I need to break in.

Ryan · Dwight · Ryan:Is that the buzzer from Taboo? / Shut up, maggot! / It is.

Ryan · Dwight:How did a mosquito get in here? / I released 300 mosquitoes into the conference room. / Just temporarily. / When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes.

Dwight · Ryan:You want to spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? / Huh, do you? / Ring it. Ah. / What was that? / Mosquito.

Ryan:It did, it did. You know what might be great is if instead of a genius bar, we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it.

Nellie · Ryan:Nellie announces seat assignments: 'Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.'

Ryan:Ryan puppeteering a souvenir puppet, addressing Nellie: 'Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car.'

Nellie · Dwight · Ryan:Ryan asks about the store concept. Nellie: 'Probably going to look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right?' ...Ryan: 'What do you think it should look like?' Nellie: 'It might be fun if each store had a different theme — beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.' Dwight: 'No. Not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.' Nellie: 'Well, that was just one idea.' Dwight: 'Oh, no, it does. It has to be winter, and I reject it.'

Ryan:Ryan holding a mini pizza up to his face: 'Look at me. I'm huge.' Repeated beat of Ryan making himself look larger with the tiny pizza.

Famous Amos · Dwight · Ryan · Group:Famous Amos begins his speech. 'So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos—' Someone: 'What's under the cloth?' Amos: 'We'll get to that.' 'Cookies. I bet you anything it's cookies.' 'It's cookies.' 'Let me finish my speech first.' 'Oh, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just don't be coy. Make with the cookies.' 'Cookies.'

Ryan:Ryan talking head: 'Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying in Florida if she didn't want me to make some sort of last-ditch, nothing-to-lose, Kelly ka-who run at her?'

Ryan · Erin:Ryan to Erin: 'I'm really impressed by how much you've grown. Since I met you, it's like night and day. You should move down here with me. We could be roommates. We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl — Maybe in six months —' Erin: 'Six months?' Ryan: 'Um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly.'

Ryan · Erin:Erin to Ryan: 'That was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again?' Ryan: 'Sure.' Ryan: 'Hey, just so you know, me and you — I don't think that's ridiculous. Dot, dot, dot... Dot, dot.'

Ryan:Ryan: 'When people see this presentation, they're gonna [bleep] in their pants.'

Ryan:Ryan's pre-presentation meltdown: 'No bleep, Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging before I go out there in front of a million people?'

Jim · Ryan:Jim's Kelly impression continues: 'You're so ignorant, you barely know what you're talking about. That's so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple of books.' Ryan: 'What's a book?'

Ryan · Unknown:Ryan's circular feedback loop: 'I would just fix that one—' / 'Oh, "fix" means you hate it! I knew it!'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan's drink order meltdown: 'Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!' — standing there while Jim doesn't move

Ryan:Ryan calls his uncle to get a Ritalin prescription: 'Hey, Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew, Ryan. I could use a prescription for Ritalin right now... I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it's different because it's your wife? Well, that doesn't make any sense to me.'

Ryan:Ryan calls his Uncle Lucas from the bathroom asking for a Ritalin prescription, referencing 'Aunt Carol' as precedent

Ryan:Ryan's text to Dwight: 'I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it. I need to see my mom. I'm going home.'

Ryan · Kelly · Phyllis:Ryan tells Kelly he updated his Tumblr to announce Erin's departure: 'Ryan, why didn't you tell me?' 'Thought you checked my Tumblr.' 'You never update it.' 'Well, I updated it.'

Ryan:Ryan set Kelly up with Ravi 'because Kelly is Indian, and...' then immediately backtracks: 'Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together. Why!'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome... if you're into Indian people. I'm not.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?'

Ryan · Pam:Pam says the photo was taken 'right before we got in that huge fight'; Ryan says he doesn't remember the fight, only how pretty Pam looked taking pictures of him

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor... all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.'

Kelly · Ryan · Pam:Kelly responds to Ryan pointing out he cheated on her with 'Which time?'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I'm not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan... I mean Ravi.' Then adds he's not trying to get access to the pediatrician.

Ryan · Pam:Ryan confronts Pam: 'If you have something bad to say to me, say it to my face.' Pam: 'Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before.'

Brian (documentary crew) · Ryan:Brian from the documentary crew chimes in about Ravi: 'just having knowing you short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan claims to have written an 'amazing love poem' for Kelly but says he can't read it because 'my heart couldn't handle it.' When pressed: 'This poem would crush you!'

Ryan:Ryan claims to have written Kelly 'the most amazing love poem' but says he can't read it because 'my heart couldn't handle it.' When pressed, he says 'This poem would crush you!'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan's marriage proposal: 'I wanna marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday. And probably.'

Pam · Ryan:Pam yells 'Barf! Ugh, you suck!' at Ryan's proposal — then the old woman in the convertible refuses to turn her car around for Ryan

Ryan:Ryan physically tries to turn a bus or vehicle around to face Kelly, demanding help: 'Can we turn this back around quickly, please? Help me turn this fucking thing around, please. Thank you. She don't wanna turn around.'

Ryan:Ryan's proposal clause: 'I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan's closing proposal line: 'Even if the odds are 50/50 that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly. Ryan. Will you roll those dice with me?'

Ryan · Kelly:After Kelly rejects Ryan and asks for a hug, Ryan stares blankly and says 'What?' then 'This was really cool.'

Ryan:Ryan's 'What?' reaction to Kelly's hug request — visual beat

Ryan · Pam · Kelly:After everything, Ryan reads from his 'poem' — it's barely coherent ('Kapoor and Kadesperate. He watches... He is a drifter out to see...') — and Kelly is clearly moved despite herself

Ryan · Pam:Smokey Robinson is dead — Ryan announces it gravely, Pam says 'I really liked him,' Ryan responds: 'Oh, you liked him? That's nice.'

Ryan:'Did you like when he changed the course of American music like, two or three times?'

Ryan:'Tracks of My Tears is maybe the last true love song ever written.'

Ryan:'I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today.' — Ryan storms off from naming Smokey songs.

Ryan:'I'm sorry that I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim's jaw-drop reaction: 'You don't like the Beatles?' — followed by Ryan saying 'That's not the point.'

Ryan · Jim:'You always think you have time to see these legends before they go. What was I so busy doing?' — Ryan, then immediately Smokey Robinson is confirmed alive.

Ryan:'How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that?' — Ryan about Paul Anka opening for Smokey Robinson.

Ryan · Pam:'That's not what Smokey would have wanted.' / 'Does want.' — the correction after almost saying 'would have wanted' for a living person.

Ryan:'Tears of a Clown. Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that.'

Documentary Narrator · Ryan:Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons.

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'Southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie.'

Ryan:This is not garbage. It's my clothes.

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan and Kelly both appearing without costumes — 'I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year.' 'Me neither.' 'It's Halloween.'

Ryan:We have the dopest time back in the annex. We even go to lunch, pick up babes. Smile if you love men's prostates.

Ryan:Ryan confessional: 'This airs tonight? Oh my God. If my parents see this, I am toast.'

Ryan:I bike to work now. It saves on gas, it's cheaper than a vasectomy, and, oh, yeah, it's good for the environment, too.

Ryan:After Dwight fired me, I moved to New York to write the Great American Novel. I have six roommates, which are better than friends, you know, because they have to give you one month's notice before they leave.

Kelly · Ryan:Whose baby is this? Oh, are you, like, a manny now? / No, this little guy is mine. / So, I was dating this girl, and one day she went out to get a new charger for her e-cigarette. Never came back. / Oldest story in the book.

Ryan:No, Kelly, he is not named after a hip-hop artist from 2011. It's Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake.

Ryan:Rules and stuff? [Said in the context of Kelly and Ryan's romantic reunion and departure]