Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager

Dwight:All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse...

Jim:So as it turns out, unless you're a young child or a prison inmate, you don't need anyone supervising you. People just come in and do their work on their schedule. Imagine that — people like us allowed to sell paper.

Jim:That was Jo asking me if I wanted to take over as acting manager while they find a replacement. I told her... I don't want to mess this up, right? There's a consensus. People are happy.

Dwight · Jordan:Dwight Schrute. [long pause, then Dwight answers phone] Yes, I would. Thank you. Jordan. Gather my things from my desk.

Jim:[Coworker sees Dwight is now acting manager] Wait... [long beat] What have you done?

Dwight:Mose... You'll never guess where I am right now. Aaaaahhhhh!

Jim · Dwight:Do I at least get to go with you in this fantasy? / You'd slow me down.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight has been acting manager for... Three months now. / No. A week. / Just feels like three months.

Jim:We all have to punch into a time clock which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger.

Jim:We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition. Which is how I learned that our titles are all now 'junior employee.'

Jim:Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30. And I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.

Dwight · Office Staff:The entire office reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in unison, led by Dwight, before morning announcements.

Dwight:Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you and you only.

Dwight · Oscar · Jim:Dwight tells the staff he expects no one to 'foment insurrection.' Oscar asks if people who have already fomented insurrection can be grandfathered in. Dwight says 'Define foment.' Oscar: 'You define foment.'

Dwight · Jim · Other employee:I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate nor will you foment insurrection. / Question. If we've already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in? / Define foment. / You define foment.

Dwight · Employee:Dwight jumps out and scares a late employee. 'Gotcha! Why are you late?' / 'It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal.' / 'All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area.'

Unknown employee · Others:In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so... / Oh! Darryl's funny. / I know, right.

Gabe · Andy:Are you still in love with Erin? / What? / Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore. / Andy, do you like being alone with me right now? / No. This is horrifying.

Gabe:No. I don't like being alone with me either, okay? I have to get her back.

Kevin or Jim:Oh, it's just a social club. You know, like the French revolution or the black panthers or communism. It's just a club. Guys talkin'.

Dwight · Rebellion member:I would love to join the fist. / And we would love to have you — but not today. Unfortunately it's a bad day, what with operation overthrow and everything.

Unknown:Pam, I have to show you this video. You're gonna love it. It's Beyonce falling... with a fart mixed in.

Jim · Pam:Jim excitedly tells Pam about a YouTube video of Beyoncé falling — 'with a fart mixed in'

Dwight · Jim:I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life, because I am manager of the Scranton branch of Dunder-Mifflin. / Acting manager.

Kevin · Oscar · Jim:Someone has to do something about Dwight. He put some snacks in the freezer for us. / You mean the frozen mice for the piranha? / No. The blueberry slurpee pouch. / Hmm. He means the ice pack.

Gabe · Erin:Erin. I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. I sure as hell don't believe in God. / What? / Or maybe there's a God. I don't know. I mean, it's just not a guy with a long white beard. Or it could be.

Gabe · Erin:Uh, do we not have voice mail? / Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages.

Erin:It was a challenge being touched by him.

Dwight:The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek.

Jim:If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.

Jim:If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, 'well, that's pretty premature to think,' but I always say it's better to be pre-pre-preprepared.

Dwight · Jordan:Everyone here thinks that you're a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks, which won't last long anyway. As your pale skin and severe bone structure imply, you'll age swiftly and poorly.

Dwight:It's a holster. [Dwight reveals he's wearing a shoulder holster under his jacket, which has been visible as a bulge]

Pam · Dwight:Dwight, are you carrying a gun? / The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. / I guess he's saying that he's proud of me.

Dwight · Pam:The gun is just an accessory to the holster, okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster. / Why do you need to wear the holster at all? / Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?

Pam · Dwight · Jim:You could put your cell phone in it instead. / Uh... Hello! / You could put a banana in it. / Why would I put a banana in my holster? / In case you weren't hungry now but you got hungry later.

Dwight · Andy · Office Staff:Okay, all right, fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. / — Sorry I freaked you guys out — / Aah! Andy! / Aah! God! / It's so loud!

Dwight:Oh my God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?

Kevin · Jim · Dwight:Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head. / No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! / No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun.

Oscar · Jim:I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms? / Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD.

Dwight:Oh. I should get the accident report binder. / [beat] / I've never used the gun violence forms before.

Dwight:Howdy, partners. It's me, gun-safety Dwight.

Dwight · Employee · Dwight:Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andy's tie look like? / Navy blue. Little red anchors. / I have no way of knowing if that's true.

Dwight · Kevin · Others:Would you consider this a terrorist incident? / I felt terrorized. / Come on. / Oh, there's a whole nother terrorism booklet for that.

Andy · Office Staff:Andy returns from the hospital to a hero's welcome — 'Our hero! You look fantastic!' — when he burst his eardrum

Darryl:Did they say what caused it? 'Cause I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.

Darryl:I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim, and it got to me.

Andy · Dwight · Office Staff:Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition. / American Idol? What? No. / Okay. I guess I can just not go. / Do you guys wanna hear my solo? / No. / * Why did my temporary boss / go on a shooting spree? * / Okay. Fine. You can go on your singing audition.

Andy · Dwight · Office Staff:Andy leverages his 'injury' to extract concessions from Dwight: American Idol audition day off, then an extra vacation day, pet day back (no dogs), full vending machine restoration, weapons elimination including 'killer fish'

Pam · Jim:Oh, it's my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... You know what? I think I'm good. / Thank God.

Kevin · Dwight:Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in 'shagadelic, baby,' at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough, can you do jazz hands? / What's jazz hands? / Fine.

Jo · Dwight:What the fuck is that? / Oh, my...

Jo:Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers.

Jo · Jim:Jim Halpert — the only man that ever turned me down. / Well, I don't know about that. Just wasn't for me.

Office Staff · Pam:The office scrambles to clean up all signs of the gun incident — broken glass, hole in floor — while Jo is in the building

Gabe · Andy:Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again? / Did I say that earlier? / Yes, I did.

Andy · Gabe:Because you, Gabe, were crying... / No, I was not. / And sobbing uncontrollably. / Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. / And my maternal instincts kicked in.

Andy:Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.

Kevin · Dwight · Jo:Gimme a back massage. No, Kevin, come on. / My back is sore, Dwight. Massage it. / Kevin, not now. / Hey, Jo... [Kevin escalates to rope in Jo during a meeting]

Kevin · Dwight · Jo:No. Under the jacket. / You're kidding me. / Oh... God, what am I touching? It's moist. / I don't feel anything. / Oh, it's so wet. / Push harder, Dwight. / I can't push harder! / Go a little higher. / There. / There you go. Nope. Higher. / Higher. / Oh, my God! / There we go. / Knead it like a pizza. / I'm kneading it! / But don't eat it.

Dwight:Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today. I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly.

Dwight · Jo:But if you think that extortion is worse — / Shooting is worse! / Are you kiddin' me? It's not even in the same — / You shot a gun? What is wrong with you?

Dwight · Jo:It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps. / Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.

Dwight · Jo:Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes. / Stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.

Jo:I love you, Dwight. But you don't fit this job.

Jo:Now I gotta find a replacement for my replacement.

Jim · Jo · Creed:Uh, well, we probably don't wanna go just on seniority. Who is it? [Jo reveals it's Creed]

Creed · Dwight:Hey, Dwight. What's up? / Shut up.

Jim · Dwight:You do know that Jo was right to take the job away from you, right? There's no debating that. But I will say... in your one week, every single one of the orders went out on time. And I think that is shagadelic, baby.

Oscar · Dwight · Jim · Others:The entire final scene: the office struggling to enter the new 21-digit copier code — reading numbers aloud, arguing, making mistakes, starting over.