Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager

Deangelo:Now, I want to talk to you about something very important. You see this? This is what we call a 'door.' It's a rectangular panel that swings or slides on hinges or tracks. When you want to enter or exit a room, you use the door. You push it, or you pull it. Some doors you push, some doors you pull. It's important to know which ones are which.

Deangelo Vickers:Darryl, you're going to business school. Deal with it.

Deangelo Vickers:I don't want my employees to like me. I want them to fear me. But not in a bad way. In a good way, where they respect me and want to work hard for me because they're afraid of disappointing me.

Toby:Thank you for the new chair, Deangelo.

Deangelo:Don't thank me. I don't want your thanks.

Toby:Oh, I was just being polite.

Deangelo:Well, don't be. Don't thank me. Ever. For anything.

Deangelo Vickers:You know, I don't care what people think. It's like ice cream - there are so many flavors, and everyone's got their favorite, but at the end of the day, it's all just frozen dairy. And you know what? I'm lactose intolerant.

Deangelo Vickers:So effective immediately, we're banning ice cream from the office. Yes, even in the break room freezer. It's a health code violation and also it upsets my stomach just knowing it's there.

Kevin:That sounds great.

Kevin:But I'm not doing it.

Kevin:That's a tough one.

Deangelo:What do you mean? It's a simple question.

Kevin:Well, I see both sides of it.

Deangelo:Kevin, that's actually... that's really wise.

Pam:So I was thinking, you know my friend that I've told you about? I think she'd be perfect for that job opening we have.

Michael:Oh really? Tell me about her.

Pam:Well, she's super smart, really organized, great with people...

Michael:Sounds great! Is she married? Does she have any kids?

Pam:She's not married, but she does have a daughter.

Michael:Perfect! You know what? I'm going to make her my godmother.

Pam:What? Your godmother? Michael, you're already in your 40s.

Michael:I know, but I've never had one, and I think it's time.

Andy:There is no inner circle.

Jim:We're literally in the inner circle right now.

Andy:There is no inner circle. Everyone in this office is equal.

Andy:Well, except for me. I'm in the inner circle.

Kevin:I'm part of the inner circle here. I mean, not officially, but I know things. Secret things that only people in the inner circle know. Like, I found out about the memo before most people, which proves I'm in the loop. But I don't tell anyone about it because that's what being in the inner circle means—keeping secrets. Even though I just told you.

Deangelo:No thank you, I don't drink coffee. You know, it's like making sausage — you don't want to see how it's made.

Michael:That's not what that means.

Deangelo:What do you mean? Of course it is. They grind up all these things, throw it in a casing...

Michael:No, the saying is about understanding a process that seems bad but produces something good. It has nothing to do with coffee.

Deangelo:Well, I don't want to see coffee being made because it looks disgusting.

Deangelo Vickers:You know, my relationship with Dwight is a lot like my relationship with my son.

Deangelo Vickers:I'm always trying to connect with him, but... he just doesn't want anything to do with me.

Deangelo Vickers:Wait. I'm talking about my son rejecting me, aren't I?

Deangelo:We need to go after the biggest client in the region.

Michael:What if we just kidnapped them instead?

Deangelo:That's... that's not a business strategy.

Michael:Not with that attitude.

Deangelo:This basketball is regulation size and weight. Notice the superior grip texture - that's premium rubber compound.

Jim:It's a toy basketball.

Deangelo:Exactly. A toy basketball has a much lower PSI rating, which means it requires 40% more upper body strength to achieve the same arc trajectory. The seams are also positioned differently to account for shorter throwing distances in recreational play.

Jim:You're just making stuff up.

Deangelo:I played D1 basketball. I think I know the physics.

Ryan:I'm going to tell Deangelo that I've been working on a strategy to increase sales, without lying.

Kelly:You're such a liar, Ryan.

Ryan:I would die for you.

Kelly:Really?

Ryan:No, but I would do almost anything else.

Deangelo Vickers:You know, I actually have the secret formula for Coca-Cola. My grandfather worked at the plant in Atlanta back in the day. He wrote it down on a napkin and gave it to me right before he passed. I've been making my own cola in my basement for years now. It's identical to the real thing. I could sell it, but I like to keep it close to the vest, you know? Very exclusive.

Deangelo Philbin:My cousin is an extremely successful businessman. He owns three car washes.

Dwight Schrute:Three car washes? That's cute. I own four beet farms. Each one is 60 acres. That's 240 acres of beets. I also have a malthouse, a grain elevator, and I've been investing in both chickens and goats for the past several years. I would say I'm doing better than your cousin.

Deangelo:I'm going to win you over, Dwight. You'll see.

Dwight:No.

Deangelo:Yes.

Dwight:No.

Deangelo:Yes.

Dwight:No.

Deangelo:Yes.

Dwight:No.

Deangelo:Yes.

Dwight:Uh-oh.

Deangelo:Look at this resume. The guy's applying for the position of 'assitant regional manager.' He can't even spell the job title he's applying for.

Darryl:You put juggling on your resume?

Deangelo:Yes, I juggle. I juggle motivationally.

Deangelo Vickers:I can't juggle in here. This office is exactly 4,000 square feet. I need at least 4,500 to properly execute a three-ball cascade. The ceiling height is only 9 feet 6 inches - I'd need a minimum of 12 feet for safety. Plus, the fluorescent lighting creates a glare factor of approximately 34%, which throws off my depth perception. It's basic physics, people.

Andy:Here, try these juggling balls.

Deangelo:Juggling balls? I haven't juggled since I was a kid.

Andy:It's like riding a bike. Once you learn, you never forget.

Deangelo:These are sacred. A performer never lets their balls touch the ground. It's bad luck.

Andy:That's... that's not a real thing.

Deangelo:You don't know theater, Andy.

Deangelo:I'm going to juggle without balls. It's very dangerous.

Deangelo:You have to really concentrate or you could put out an eye.

Deangelo:You see, people, juggling is like management. You gotta keep all the balls in the air.

Phyllis:But you're not actually juggling anything.

Deangelo:Exactly! Because the real juggling happens up here. In the mind.

Kevin:I don't see any balls.

Dwight:You're not actually juggling. Those balls aren't even leaving your hands.

Deangelo:Yes, I am.

Dwight:No, you're not. Real juggling requires the balls to be airborne.

Dwight:But then again, what's the point of real juggling? It's equally pointless.

Andy:I would recognize sexism. I'm very attuned to it. I'm basically a feminist. I'm the VP of Feminism at the Feminist Club.

Angela:You should talk to Deangelo about the sexism in this office.

Jim:Why would I do that?

Angela:Because he's the boss, and he needs to know that this behavior is unacceptable. Plus, girls find that kind of thing really attractive.

Jim:What kind of thing?

Angela:A man who stands up for women's rights. One more comment like that and I'll cut your balls off.

Deangelo:Who here thinks I'm sexist?

Kevin:Pam's being bitchy.

Deangelo:I'm going to prove to you all that I'm not sexist by conducting a completely anonymous survey.

Deangelo:Question 1: Describe your genitalia in three words or less.

Deangelo:Question 2: On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with your genitalia?

Deangelo:Question 3: Would you ever change your genitalia if you could?

Deangelo Vickers:Both? I have both.

Michael Scott:You can't have both.

Deangelo Vickers:I'm very smart.

Dwight:I'm all for gender equality. Women are just as capable as men.

Dwight:But let's be honest, I'm not watching the WNBA. I only watch sports where the athleticism is, you know, actually impressive.

Jordan:I was a Regional Manager at a retail store, but it was so lame. *in annoyed voice* 'Welcome to the Gap, can I help you find the perfect khakis?' No thanks.

Pam:You've never managed before?

Jordan:No.

Deangelo:That's actually an advantage. He hasn't developed any bad habits yet. He's like a blank slate. A beautiful, angry blank slate.

Andy:Hey guys, what's up? Just thought I'd swing by, see what the cool kids are up to.

Jim:We're just... talking about the Sanderson account.

Andy:Sanderson, yeah. That's tight. That's real tight.

Jim:

Jordan:Dwight, do you need anything?

Dwight:No, thank you.

Jordan:She said you're a loser and she doesn't want to talk to you.

Jim:I'm stuck here, you know? Just... stuck.

Jim:Meanwhile, Pam's probably out there living her dream. She's probably writing that book series. You know, the one about the girl who falls in love with the guy from the warehouse?

Jim:And it's a bestseller. Like, Harry Potter numbers. They're making movies. She's on Oprah. She's got a yacht.

Jim:And in the third book, the characters finally get together, and everyone's like, 'Oh my God, I called that from page one.' And Pam's laughing, signing books, living her best life.

Jim:And I'm... I'm still here.

Kelly:Ryan is like Rango, except Rango actually knew what he was doing and people liked him.

Kelly:It's like Rango. You know, Johnny Depp? He's this lizard, and he goes to this town, and he has to pretend to be someone he's not? It's basically my life story.

Ryan:I haven't seen Rango.

Deangelo:I meant Michael Jordan! Michael Jordan!

Deangelo:Watch this. I can do his move.

Deangelo:The tomahawk dunk.

Darryl:Yeah, man, you got some serious hops. You could've gone pro.

Darryl:I'm just saying that because you're helping me get into business school.

Deangelo:You know what, I would do it, but I need NASA to lower the basketball hoop first. My vertical leap is so powerful, if they don't reduce the height, I might actually break the Earth's gravitational pull.

Dwight:You know, that's like the time my cousin Mose and I got into a confrontation with a flock of chickens. We were outnumbered, but we stood our ground. Mose took out three with a broom handle. I got five with my bare hands. In the end, the chickens scattered, but we proved a point. That's what I respect about this game.

Dwight:I'm not going to engage in some kind of pissing contest with you.

Deangelo:A pissing contest? You think you can out-piss me? I will piss on you. I will piss on this company. I will piss on this entire world. You're fired!

Dwight:I'm not submitting to authority. I'm attracted to leadership.

Deangelo Vickers:Watch this. I'm about to throw down the most incredible dunk you've ever seen.

Deangelo Vickers:I've been practicing this move for years.

Michael Scott:Oh wow, okay, we're doing this.

Deangelo Vickers:Here we go!

Erin:Who should I say is calling?