Search Committee

Michael:What do we get for someone in a coma? We need something thoughtful, something that says we care.

Dwight:A coma is serious. They might wake up disoriented. We should get a weapon for protection.

Jim:A weapon? Dwight, they're in a coma.

Dwight:Exactly. When they wake up, society could have collapsed. We don't know how long they'll be under.

Pam:It's been three days, Dwight.

Dwight:Three days is enough time for civilization to crumble. I'm getting them a machete, a water filter, and a map of safe zones.

Michael:Okay, so we're thinking apocalypse survival kit now?

Dwight:When they open their eyes, the world will be unrecognizable. They'll thank me.

Dwight:A survival kit is the only practical gift.

Pam:We're doing chocolate baskets this year.

Dwight:Chocolate baskets. Right. When the fallout comes, you'll wish you had dehydrated water.

Jim:You know, it's like we're prisoners or something. We need supervision or we'll just... destroy everything.

Pam:Or children.

Jim:Yeah, or children.

Jim:You know, it's amazing how this office somehow functions without any real supervision. I mean, we sell paper. It's not like we're performing surgery or anything. If we mess up, what's the worst that happens? Someone gets a ream of copy paper instead of bond? The stakes are so low that even if we all just sat around doing nothing, nobody would really notice.

Jo:Do you want to be acting manager?

Dwight:Yes. Everyone, listen up. New rules effective immediately. No more casual Fridays. No more long lunches. And everyone's salaries are being cut by 10%.

Jo:You've been acting manager for 30 seconds.

Dwight:And already this office is running like a well-oiled machine.

Dwight:As the new regional manager, I'm implementing several changes effective immediately.

Jim:Wait, what? You're not the regional manager.

Dwight:Michael left me in charge. I am now your boss.

Jim:Oh my God. Oh my God, no.

Jim:Dwight's my boss now. Dwight. My boss. I have to listen to Dwight tell me what to do all day. And he's going to be terrible at it. He's going to be the worst boss in the history of bosses.

Jim:I can't do this. I can't work here anymore. I'm going to have to quit. Or move to another country. Or fake my own death.

Dwight:No. You'd slow me down. I need someone who can keep up with my pace, my intensity, my vision. You'd be dead weight.

Jim:It's been a week, Dwight.

Jim:But yeah, it feels like three months.

Jim:Dwight installed this new time clock system. It's got this thing where you have to put your hand on it, and it scans your fingerprint. It's very... efficient.

Jim:Also, if you're late, it slowly tightens around your wrist.

Jim:Okay, so we're handing out the new business cards to set us apart from the competition.

Pam:Wait, why does mine say 'Junior Employee'?

Dwight:Everyone's been demoted to junior employee. It's a cost-cutting measure.

Jim:So we're all juniors now?

Michael:It's not a demotion if everyone gets demoted.

Jim:So we have staggered lunch breaks, which means someone's always eating. It's like we're grazing animals.

Jim:And if you get the early lunch, like 11 AM, the day just stretches out forever. You've still got six hours of work left. You're just sitting there, starving again by 2 PM, watching the clock like it's the longest day of your life.

Dwight:Everyone, stand up. We're going to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Jim:Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight:It's called patriotism, Jim. Now everyone, hands over your hearts.

Michael:You know what, I think that's a great idea, Dwight.

Pam:This is so weird.

Dwight:I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America...

Everyone:I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Dwight:Attention everyone. As Assistant Regional Manager, I'm implementing new security protocols for the office copier. Effective immediately, all copy requests must be submitted in triplicate on Form 27-B, signed by both a department head and a notary public.

Dwight:The copier will be housed in a secure location accessible only via retinal scan and a four-digit code that changes hourly. I will personally guard it during lunch breaks.

Dwight:Anyone caught making unauthorized copies will face immediate disciplinary action, up to and including termination. This is not a joke. The copier is now a classified area.

Dwight:We cannot foment insurrection in this office.

Jim:So what about insurrections that are already in progress? Are those grandfathered in?

Dwight:Define foment.

Jim:You don't know what foment means?

Dwight:Of course I know what it means. I'm asking you.

Jim:No, you're not. You're asking me because you don't know.

Dwight:I know exactly what foment means.

Jim:Okay, what does it mean?

Dwight:It means... to instigate or stir up.

Jim:That's actually right.

Dwight:So under my new system, red files indicate urgent matters, blue files are standard business, and green files are—

Jim:Dwight, why are you color-coding everything? We have a computer system.

Dwight:A COMPUTER SYSTEM?! False! Computers are a distraction from TRUE organizational excellence!

Jim:Okay...

Dwight:Why are you late?

Jim:I have hemorrhoids.

Dwight:I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy. I'm trained in basic medical examination. Drop your pants.

Andy:I didn't come up with that joke, actually.

Erin:Oh, who did?

Andy:Um, I think it was... you know what, I can't remember.

Erin:Well, that's awkward.

Andy:Yeah, it really is.

Gabe:Do you like being alone with me?

Andy:No! No, God, no. No.

Andy:Oh God, oh God, oh God.

Gabe:I know. I'm not great company.

Andy:I'm gonna head back to my desk.

Gabe:Wait. I've been crying.

Andy:Oh.

Kevin:The Fist is just a social club.

Kevin:It's like the KKK, but without all the lynching.

Kevin:We're not a rebellion. We're just a group of guys who like to hang out and have fun.

Kevin:It's just a social club.

Kevin:We meet up, hang out, grab some beers. You know, just casual stuff.

Kevin:Nothing weird about it.

Kevin:Oh, and we're working on Operation Overthrow, but that's just for fun.

Kevin:Pam, Pam, you gotta see this video. I made it myself. It's hilarious.

Kevin:It's like, you know those videos on the internet where they like, splice things together? Well, I did that. I spliced together like a hundred videos of people falling down, and then I added like fart sounds over it.

Kevin:And then at the end, there's this guy who falls into a pool, and I made it so like, a dolphin noise plays when he hits the water. It's genius.

Creed:You know, I've been thinking about happiness. It's like a plateau. Once you reach it, you can't go any higher. So you might as well just accept mediocrity and stop trying.

Creed:I am not just the VP of sales, I'm the VP of fun.

Jim:You're the assistant regional manager.

Creed:Assistant to the regional manager.

Jim:Dwight, what is all this stuff in the freezer?

Dwight:Those are my emergency rations. Frozen vegetables, lean proteins, emergency contact information.

Pam:Why is there a whole chicken in here?

Dwight:For survival situations. You never know when you'll need to subsist on poultry alone.

Jim:Okay, but what is this?

Dwight:That's beet juice. For energy and stamina.

Pam:And this... is this a squirrel?

Dwight:That is a specimen. For research purposes.

Jim:Research?

Dwight:I'm studying hibernation patterns. The freezer is the closest thing we have to a winter ecosystem here at Dunder Mifflin.

Gabe:Erin, I love you. I don't believe in a lot of things.

Gabe:I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

Gabe:I don't believe in killing animals, so I'm gonna kill you and eat you.

Gabe:I don't believe in doing laundry. Once something gets dirty, I throw it away and buy new clothes.

Gabe:But I believe in you. I believe in us.

Gabe:I don't believe in a traditional God.

Gabe:But I do believe in a lot of things. Energy. Chakras. Auras. I've seen a aura. Once. It was purple. My mother was dying and I was in the room and there was this purple haze around her. Of course, she was also under a purple light at the time, so...

Gabe:But I'm pretty sure I saw an aura.

Gabe:I'm trying to give a speech here!

Dwight:I disabled the voicemail. If someone wants to reach me, they'll keep calling until I answer. That's what commitment looks like.

Erin:Gabe is wonderful. He's so smart, and he's got such a great sense of humor, and he's really thoughtful.

Erin:The only thing is, it was really hard to be physically intimate with him.

Jim:So you've got the gun, the piranha tank... you're like a Bond villain now.

Dwight:I have modeled my desk setup after Napoleon's son, the King of Rome. It gives me a sense of order and authority in the workplace.

Dwight:Jim, I need you to promise me you'll be on your best behavior.

Jim:I can't do that. I already promised like five other people I'd be on my worst behavior.

Dwight:You're on thin ice, Jim. Very thin ice. I'm putting you on pre-firing notice.

Jim:Pre-firing notice? Dwight, you can't fire me.

Dwight:Not yet. But I'm building a case. First comes the warning, then the written warning, then the pre-firing, then the firing.

Jim:So you invented a whole new level just to threaten me?

Dwight:I'm actually working on a pre-pre-firing. You should be very worried.

Dwight:When I'm regional manager, you're fired. I'm going to fire you so hard, you'll wish you never met me.

Jim:Okay.

Dwight:And then I'm going to hire you back... and fire you again.

Jim:So I've been thinking about quitting, and Dwight said I'm in the 'pre-quitting' phase.

Jim:Which means I'm also in the 'pre-pre-quitting' phase. And before that, the 'pre-pre-pre-quitting' phase.

Jim:In fact, I've been in a 'pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-quitting' phase since the day I was born.

Jim:So technically, my entire life has just been me preparing to quit this job.

Dwight:People think you were hired for your looks. But what they don't realize is that looks fade. In ten years, you're going to look like a expired coupon. In twenty years, a gas station egg salad sandwich. In thirty years, you'll look like a haunted suitcase.

Dwight:Finally, a holster that understands me.

Dwight:My father gave me this gun. It's a family heirloom. He said, 'Dwight, a man's gun is his most prized possession.' So I've carried it with me ever since.

Dwight:A man chooses what to wear based on his needs, not his desires. I need this holster for my gun, and I need my gun because I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy.

Jim:You're not a sheriff's deputy.

Dwight:Well, not officially. But I have been trained. And I think women who wear yoga pants are making a cry for help.

Dwight:A banana in my holster? That's actually quite logical. The holster keeps the banana secure and at arm's reach for quick consumption. High potassium content is essential for optimal physical performance in the field.

Jim:Dwight, that's... that's not the point.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. There's a floor under the carpet?

Dwight:Obviously. That's how floors work.

Michael:No, I mean... why would they put a carpet over a perfectly good floor?

Jim:That's... that's literally what carpets are for.

Michael:But it doesn't make sense!

Oscar:Technically, Dwight didn't shoot Andy. He shot at Andy. There's a difference.

Andy:Oscar, can you check my symptoms on WebMD?

Oscar:Sure. What are your symptoms?

Andy:Well, I have a headache and I'm feeling tired.

Oscar:Okay, let me look that up. Oh no.

Andy:What? What is it?

Oscar:According to WebMD, you have either a common cold or pancreatic cancer.

Andy:Pancreatic cancer?!

Oscar:Yeah, that's what it says here. You should probably get your affairs in order.

Gabe:I'll take you to the hospital.

Gabe:But first, let me make sure someone's covering the front desk.

Dwight:The gun incident. I'm going to address this head-on with facts and logic. As someone who knows firearms intimately, I will be conducting a mandatory safety seminar.

Dwight:First rule: always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction. Second rule: keep your finger off the trigger. Third rule: treat every gun like it's loaded. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a posse to round up.

Dwight:A true cowboy never breaks character. A true cowboy maintains his integrity and his—

Dwight:Okay, I can't do this anymore. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Dwight:I'm testing the reliability of eyewitness accounts. What color was the car?

Unknown:It was a 1987 Honda Civic, metallic blue with a dent on the passenger side door.

Dwight:That's too specific. Completely unverifiable.

Dwight:I love each and every one of you. But I will kill you.

Dwight:I love you. You're like a brother to me. But if you ever betray me, I will kill you.

Darryl:I'm not gonna lie, man. Hearing Andy talk about his problems in the hospital waiting room, it started to get on my nerves. Like, dude, you're not the one in the hospital bed. You gotta stop making this about you.

Andy:I've prepared a song about the shooting incident.

Andy:It's called 'Threat Level Midnight: The Ballad.' I'll just grab my guitar.

Dwight:Andy, no.

Andy:Come on, Dwight. It's a beautiful tribute.

Jim:Please don't.

Andy:Fine, fine. I can see you're all not ready for this level of artistry.

Jim:Dwight, I need you to do me a favor during Jo's visit.

Dwight:Of course. What is it?

Jim:I need you to do jazz hands whenever Jo walks by.

Dwight:Jazz hands? I don't know what that is.

Jim:You know, like this.

Dwight:I have no idea what you're doing, but yes, I'll do it.

Dwight:We should begin the meeting immediately.

Jo:Relax, Schrute. Good things come to those who wait. Or in my case, good things come to those who show up in a negligee and ask for what they want.

Andy:Erin, I need to tell you something important—

Gabe:Andy promised me he'd never reveal the warehouse incident to anyone.

Erin:What warehouse incident?

Andy:Gabe, we agreed that was between us!

Andy:I have these maternal instincts toward Gabe. Like, I just want to comfort him and hold him.

Andy:I do care about Erin. I write about her in my diary all the time.

Kevin:Come on, Dwight, I need a back massage. My back is killing me.

Dwight:Fine. But this better not take long.

Kevin:Oh yeah, right there. A little lower. Oh man, that feels amazing.

Dwight:Your back is very... moist.

Kevin:Yeah, I've been sweating. Just keep going.

Dwight:Is that a rash? Why do you have a rash?

Kevin:It's nothing, just keep rubbing.

Dwight:I think I felt something pop. Kevin, I felt something pop.

Kevin:That's probably just my back cracking. Keep going, it feels good.

Dwight:There's a smell now. A distinct smell.

Kevin:Knead my back like pizza dough.

Dwight:Okay.

Kevin:But don't eat it.

Jo:You want to know what real power is, Dwight?

Jo:It's not about being in charge. It's about making people think you're in charge.

Dwight:I understand completely.

Jo:You're fired.

Jo:A Beaumont Adams? That's a girl's gun.

Dwight:Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? Why do I always sabotage myself?

Jo:Because you're an idiot, Dwight.

Jim:Hey, look, I know this is rough, but you're gonna be fine. You're a survivor, Dwight. You'll bounce back from this.

Jim:Besides, you've got skills. You're organized, you're dedicated... you're shagadelic, baby.

Creed:No.

Jim:Okay, so how do I clock in on this thing?

Dwight:It's not a 'thing,' it's a state-of-the-art biometric time tracking system with redundant verification protocols.

Jim:Right, but where do I... swipe my card?

Dwight:Card? We moved past cards in 2003. You need to input your employee ID, scan your fingerprint, answer your security question, and provide a retinal scan.

Jim:For clocking in?

Dwight:Security is no joke, Jim.

Jim:Neither is getting to my desk before lunch.