Oscar Martinez

Michael · Oscar:Michael introduces Oscar to the documentary crew by his first name, Oscar barely tolerates it, then Michael is surprised to learn his last name is Martinez — 'first name basis'

Michael · Oscar:Michael asks Oscar if there's 'a term besides Mexican that you prefer. Something less offensive.' Oscar: 'Mexican isn't offensive!' Michael: 'Well, it has certain connotations.' Oscar: 'Like what?' Michael: 'Like... I don't know.'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar comes in to ask for a charity donation; Michael dramatically commits to '$25' like it's a fortune

Michael · Oscar:Michael goes back to Oscar to 'clarify' that his donation was 'a kind of flat, you know, twenty-five dollars one time donation'

Michael · Oscar:Michael asks Oscar how many miles his nephew walked last year — Oscar says eighteen — Michael: 'Son of a bitch!'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'Here's Oscar! Oscar, this is Katy.' Oscar: 'I'm on the phone.' Michael: 'Ooh, ooh, oh, Oscar the Grouch. Right? I thought of that.' Oscar: 'That was on Sesame Street.'

Michael · Oscar:Archive footage: Oscar receives 'Show Me the Money' award

Oscar:The scoreboard goes back two years.

Oscar · Kevin:The chair race: competitors stop mid-race to argue about whose stopwatch it is, ignoring the race entirely.

Oscar:Oscar appears at Michael's door: 'Oh, hey, Karate Kid. The Hilary Swank version.'

Oscar:Michael's movie? Two thumbs down.

Jim · Oscar:A man sitting several seats down who has a gold face turns to Michael Scarn. / Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?

Oscar · Dwight:Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be comfortable in my private jet. Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage. I forget it, brotha.

Dwight · Ryan · Kevin · Oscar:Office gossip chain: "That's my girlfriend." / "I heard they made out and had sex." / "I heard they just made out." / "Well, I heard they made out... and had sex."

Michael · Oscar:Oscar confronts Michael about email surveillance; Michael responds: 'Oh, no. Everybody, Oscar's gone crazy.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael does an extended 'robot' bit ('I will destroy everything in my path') in response to Oscar asking if Michael thinks he's a robot

Michael · Pam · Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Michael works through the office trying to find someone — ANYONE — to spend Friday night with: Pam (no), Oscar (on a call), Kevin (Alaska Film Festival with brother), Angela (Charity Bake Drive)

Oscar · Unknown Employee:'So that he can have us rob a bank and then escape through the sewers.' / 'And brush our teeth.'

Michael · Oscar · Stanley:Michael's disability meeting: 'Do you know what it's like to be disabled?' then attempts to name people in the room with 'real' disabilities

Pam · Oscar:Pam goes out of her way to tell Oscar that Dwight is okay, framing it as something she 'thought he'd wanna know.' Oscar's confused 'Okay.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight catches Oscar on the phone from the pharmacy, confronting him: 'So, sounds like you're too sick to come into work, but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight calls Oscar: 'I called six minutes ago and no one answered — so I was wondering if you could explain...' then realizes Oscar is at the pharmacy

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight finds Oscar at the ice skating rink: 'Oh man, you are so busted. Ice skates. Shopping bags. I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.'

Dwight · Oscar · Gil:Dwight meets Gil at the skating rink and immediately pivots to extortion: 'I don't tell Michael, and in exchange, you owe me one great, big, giant favor redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.'

Oscar:Oscar talking head: 'Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know.'

Creed · Oscar:Creed and Oscar's exchange: 'Who do you think did it?' / 'Are you kidding? I thought it was you.' / 'Really? I thought you.'

Michael · Oscar · Phyllis:Michael's video ending: 'What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants.'

Oscar · Kevin:Oscar at the reception desk receives nothing for Valentine's Day. Kevin's advice: 'Nothing for me? Join the club.' Followed by Oscar: 'Who's it from?' About his gift. 'My mom.'

Michael · Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Phyllis · Creed · Ryan:Michael yelling 'Heisman!' while throwing a football in the parking lot, interspersed with him demanding the ball back from every single coworker including Creed, as the football chaotically passes through the entire office staff

Dwight · Michael · Oscar:The chair-hoisting attempt: colleagues half-heartedly lift Michael, something goes wrong, Oscar disclaims responsibility: 'It wasn't me.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight asks Oscar: 'Have you ever... pooped a balloon?'

Oscar:Oscar simply walking out of the interview after 'Have you ever pooped a balloon?'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'This year, more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.' Oscar: 'Where did you get these facts?'

Oscar:Oscar's meltdown: 'It's like child abuse! I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean, on so many levels!'

Oscar:Oscar's counter-attack: 'It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls.' Then: 'This is so much more offensive to me than hard-core porn.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'Again. We do that every year' about the Boy Scouts charity, followed by 'They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts'

Michael · Oscar · Dwight:Michael: 'I will donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS' — and the ensuing confusion about 'Afghani' vs 'afghan' (dog vs shawl) vs 'Afghanistanis'

Michael · Oscar:Michael apologizing to Oscar while asking how 'you do that to another dude' — framing his curiosity about gay sex as a reasonable part of the apology

Oscar:Oscar's deadpan talking head: 'That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'It is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'Yes, I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company. In Scranton. Much like, uh, Sir Ian McKellen.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'Sure, sometimes I watch Will & Grace. And I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes, when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.'

Oscar · Michael:'Am I the first gay man you ever knew?' 'Trick question. Because you can't always tell, so how would I know? Was that the right answer?'

Michael · Dwight · Oscar:'Oh, damn popups.' / 'What are you doing?' / 'Watching some of your friends.' / 'This is stupid. Excuse me. Don't touch me. Help! Ow.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar repeatedly refusing Michael's hug: 'I'd rather not.' / 'I really would... would... I'd really rather not.' / 'I don't want to touch you. Ever considered that?'

Michael · Oscar:Michael kisses Oscar on the mouth — the room goes silent, then Oscar says 'I'm sorry, Michael.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'I was going to quit, but Jan offered me a three-month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gil and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.'

Oscar · Michael:Michael, what will you do? / Oh, I'll be fine. / Do you have any savings? / No, no, I don't. But... / Michael, you might lose your condo.

Oscar · Michael:Oscar catches the ball: 'I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my Uncle Bernie died. And so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive.' Michael: 'Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar's response when caught: 'Do you think that this is a game?' Michael: 'Well, there is a ball.'

Phyllis · Kevin · Oscar · Others:Phyllis tries to organize a group lunch. Kevin suggests Dee Jay's. Phyllis suggests Cugino's in Dunmore. Someone says no seafood. It collapses with 'Okay. Forget it.' Then someone suggests Hooters. 'No.' Immediately: '$400 for the CPU. Done.'

Oscar · Pam:Oscar returns Pam's favor ('Oh, don't worry about it') and says it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell

Oscar · Pam:Oscar and Pam: 'Also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan... How have we not talked about this already? I mean, what happened there? Kidnapping?'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'How was your gay-cation?' then immediately: 'I thought of that like two seconds after you left.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael on Dwight leaving: 'Addition by subtraction.' Oscar: 'What does that even mean? That is impossible.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela's greeting to Oscar: a cold, clipped 'Oscar.' Nothing more.

Michael · Oscar:Michael asks Oscar to join the party planning committee. Oscar: 'The committee with all the women?' Michael: 'Yeah.' Oscar: 'Because I'm gay.' Michael: 'No, no—'

Oscar:Oscar's party planning: 'I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey, into the office, like Pepe?' Michael: 'Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would... but it turned out great.'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar criticizes Pam's art, comparing it to motel art; Michael defends it by saying 'Van Gogh's first try drew the hands of the peasants' — Oscar responds 'Meaning what?' — Michael: 'Meaning real art takes courage and honesty. Well, those aren't Pam's strong points. Yeah, exactly. That's why this is motel art.'

Jim · Pam · Kevin · Angela · Ryan · Oscar:The office workers betting on how many jellybeans (or similar objects) are in a jar; escalating guesses with Kevin being eliminated: 'Ten. Kev's out. Damn it!'

Oscar · Pam · Jim:Jim wins jellybean count; Pam's neighbor complains: 'He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours. Okay. No, constantly... like, for years.'

Dwight · Oscar · Andy:Dwight summons the warehouse: 'Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.' Oscar: 'Whoa, what's the situation?' Dwight: 'Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.'

Oscar · Dwight:Oscar: 'When's the shunning thing gonna end?' Dwight: 'Un-shun... never! Re-shun.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer it.'

Kelly · Oscar:Kelly coaching Oscar via earpiece — Oscar robotically relays Kelly's words verbatim: 'And the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar suggests Dwight is putting women in a burlap sack and hitting them with a stick — Michael agrees he's 'celebrating' women and encourages Pam to 'show more cleavage'

Michael · Oscar:Michael tells Oscar he can't swim in leather pants — implying that's a real swimming wardrobe consideration

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'Do you expect me to believe that you're truly making your recommendations on this basis?' Michael: 'Word.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kind of looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.'

Michael · Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Michael reveals he sold his condo — on eBay — before knowing if he got the job. 'It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.'

Dwight · Kevin · Oscar · Angela:Dwight propositions the accounting team: 'How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?' Kevin says no; Dwight clarifies he means himself, not Michael

Creed · Angela · Oscar · Kevin:The office's split opinions on Jan's surgery: Creed: 'I love fake boobs. Often times you find them on strippers.' / Angela: 'I find it offensive.' / Michael Scott Sr.: 'Au naturale, baby. Swing low, sweet chariots.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin got a virus clicking on a celebrity sex tape offer online; refuses to say what kind of celebrity or how much he paid: 'It all happened so fast.'

Oscar · Angela · Other Office Workers:Office workers debating whether Jim and Pam are together: 'Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret. Right? / I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things.'

Oscar:Talking head: 'One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.'

Kevin · Michael · Oscar · Office Staff:Kevin reveals Michael ordered from 'Pizza by Alfredo' not 'Alfredo's Pizza Cafe'; office erupts; Michael: 'What is better, a medium amount of good pizza or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?' Oscar: 'A medium amount of good pizza.' Multiple voices confirm it's bad.

Michael · Oscar · Pam · Kevin:Michael has ordered Pizza by Alfredo instead of Alfredo's Pizza Cafe. When told they're the same thing: extended debate about quality, ending in: 'It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.'

Michael · Ryan · Dwight · Oscar · Toby:The 'whoever vs. whomever' debate: Oscar corrects Ryan, Dwight says 'whomever' is a made-up word to trick students, Ryan says it's the formal version — Oscar: 'Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly. Not a native speaker.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael 'proves' he has no money problems by pulling out a large bill, dramatically preparing to destroy it — then putting it back in his pocket: 'You just put it back in your pocket.' 'Yeah.' 'Yeah, but I destroyed it. It's not even usable anymore.'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar: 'You can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.' Michael: 'I didn't say it. I declared it.' Oscar: 'Still. That's not anything.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar reads Michael's credit card statements: '$125 at Amazon. Oh, best of The Muppet Show on DVD. Classic.'

Michael · Oscar:The Core Blaster Extreme explanation: '$1,200. What's a Core Blaster Extreme?' Michael explains: 'you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stirrups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist and you twist and you twist... Your back core, your arm core, your... The Marine Corps actually uses it. I think that's how they got corps.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar builds Michael's budget in PowerPoint with a bar chart featuring a 'scary black bar' for things 'that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael about the debt presentation: 'Michael, I'm gonna set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator.' Michael: 'No. No. We are going to leave Jan out of this.' 'She has to know.' 'We will find another way. We'll ask PowerPoint.' Oscar: 'Michael, this is a presentation tool.' Michael: 'You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael's plan to tell Jan the debt 'has been cut in half' through 'fancy financial footwork': 'Jan is smart.' Michael: 'She poses.'

Oscar:Oscar (talking head): 'Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.'

Jim · Oscar · Pam:Jim is excluded from the Finer Things Club because 'some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.'

Andy · Pam · Oscar · Toby:Finer Things Club discusses 'A Room with a View' while Andy lurks outside trying to look like he's casually reading the same book.

Andy · Oscar:Oscar asks if Andy really liked Angela's Ashes. Andy: 'No, I mean I really liked it. I thought it was a fun read.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?'

Oscar · Toby · Andy:Quiz: 'Did you even read it?' / 'How does it end?' / 'Who was the main character?' — Andy's answer: 'Angela. Nope. The ashes.'

Michael · Oscar:Hello, Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl-type friends who trust you implicitly, because they know you'd never touch 'em because of your condition.

Michael · Oscar:Catcher or infield? / I don't know, Michael.

Michael · Oscar:Is she a dress-wearer or a pants-wearer? / Could we share a rowboat? / Could a rowboat support her? / Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing?

Michael · Oscar:It bothers me that you're not answering the question. / No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat. / Damn it! I knew it! I knew it, Phyllis!

Jim · Toby · Kevin · Oscar:Jim trying to call the security guard without knowing his name — 'Who have I got here?' / 'The African-American guy'

Jim · Kevin · Oscar · Toby · Phyllis:The cascading wrong name guesses for the security guard: Eddie, Evan, Hank, Edgar, Elliot

Oscar · Jim:Oscar suggests the cleaning crew can help them escape; Jim assumes they speak Spanish; Oscar corrects him; they do in fact speak Spanish

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'It's like a mock execution.' / Oscar: 'That's not a good idea.' / Michael: 'Yes, it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.' Michael: 'I'm not firing him. I'm not.'

Kevin · Oscar · Jim:'Why are you dressed like that? Like what? Like you're applying for a loan? Maybe he's going to church or court.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael and Oscar arrive at the job fair booth — Michael has brought only a single blank sheet of paper while surrounding companies have elaborate displays

Oscar:Oscar's deadpan: 'Conceptual.'

Michael · Pam · Oscar:The kid signs the blank sheet of paper, defeating its 'conceptual' purpose. Michael: 'Okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams, and he just made it into a stupid piece of paper.'

Holly · Oscar:Holly suggests a yoga teacher as a romantic prospect for a coworker — 'He's a catch.' The coworker responds: 'Actually, I'm a lesbian.' Then immediately walks it back.

Oscar · Holly:Holly: 'I'm messing with you, Holly.' — Oscar catches her, and she immediately claims she knew: 'I knew that. Okay, bye.'

Jan · Kevin · Oscar:Jan shows up at the office to use the copier. 'How's the candle game?' / 'Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names.' / 'You remember last week when that girl went missing — guess whose candles they used for the vigil?' / 'Cool. Thank God they found her, too.' / 'Oh, they found her?'

Oscar · Unknown:Oscar about Jan: 'She's very beautiful.' / 'Yeah, she is. And clinically insane.'

Oscar · Holly:Oscar, after the lesbian/yoga incident, quietly goes back to Holly: 'I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.'

Oscar:Oscar corrects Holly: 'That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I would not steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.' — earnest moral stance after Dwight's absurdist derailment

Toby · Oscar:Holly tries to pause on the piracy confession; Toby casually mentions 'I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it.'

Oscar · Kevin:Great, they stole my laptop. / Well, they stole my surge protector. / How does that even compare? / Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.

Oscar:I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.

Oscar:So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?

Michael · Concierge Marie · Michael · Oscar:You look, how you say, radiant tonight. / Thank you. / And it is, how you say, a beautiful night — / Michael, why?

Michael · Oscar · Michael:Those two dudes are as good as naked. / How do you even know they're gay? / Come on! It's Dandy Cale and Foppy McGee over there.

Oscar:Bad decision in a glass.

Andy · Oscar:It's just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time. / How could anyone stand that woman?

Oscar · Andy · Oscar · Andy:You haven't had sex? / No. / Y— Are you guys waiting to get married, or? / Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for.

Oscar · Michael:Andy, something is wrong with that woman. What is wrong with her? I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her.

Oscar · Michael · Oscar:Oh, my god. Don't call her. Don't call her, Andy. Andy, don't call her. / Too late. Too late, it's dialing. / Now it's ringing.

Oscar:You know, it's true what they say — Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada.

Oscar · Michael · Andy · Oscar · Michael · Andy · Michael · Andy · Andy:I can't believe we called her up. / Totally. / What — Who? / I'm talking about Angela. / I can't believe we called her up last night. / We called Angela? / You — You call — You called her. / That was real?! / I thought I dreamed that.

Michael · Oscar · Michael · Oscar · Andy:She is so pissed. / Mmm. / She's taking us back to first base. / What's first base with Angela? / I get to kiss her forehead.

Michael · Oscar · Michael · Michael:You up for a chest bump? / No. / Bro hug? / Back to basics. I like it.

Oscar · Kevin · Meredith:The microwave note debate — 'The note is way more obnoxious than the mess. / Get off your high horse, richy. / Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich. / Nah. They're rich.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael interrupts the lemonade stand analogy to say 'I'll be six.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'Okay. Break it down in terms of... Okay, I think I'm getting you.' — then a long silent beat before the next scene

Pam · Oscar:Pam argues that having to make too many copies is evidence the chairs are terrible: 'Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.'

Pam · Oscar:After the lunch exodus, Pam and Oscar exchange looks and the confessional reveals: 'So I guess that's how they're going to play this. It is on. It is so on.'

Michael · Oscar · Jim:Michael returns from lunch with 'egg on his face' — both factions have been lobbying him and he plays them both — cutting to: 'Great food. Great friends. Thank you, Michael.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar demonstrates the copier to Michael, giving him copies: 'And I have my original. You got it. So suck it.'

Oscar · Michael · Office Staff:Oscar instantly calculates 15% of 4,300 as '$645' when Michael hints at it — revealing the whole office knows exactly what Michael is doing.

Oscar · Michael:Oscar capitulates on chairs: 'I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.' Michael: 'Good work. I'm proud of you.'

Oscar · Kelly:Oscar to Kelly after the belly dancing: 'Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.'

Oscar:Oscar explains that a Moroccan cookie is served during Ramadan — someone finds this delicious — visual joke of Moroccan food at a Christmas party

Angela · Dwight · Oscar:Angela's 911 calls about speeding cause a radar gun to be placed out front, which then becomes a traffic hazard as office workers try to beat each other's speed records while running past it

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight demands a do-over at 13 mph; Oscar hits 31 mph and Dwight insists it's 'humanly impossible'

Andy · Jim · Pam · Oscar · Kevin:The entire office awkwardly tries to stop Andy from finishing his sentences about the affair situation — a cacophony of interruptions and avoidance

Oscar · Dwight:Oscar: 'Are you still having intercourse with her?' Dwight: 'What is wrong with you? She is engaged.'

Oscar · Dwight · Jim:'Did you ever have intercourse in this office?' followed by a long pause and camera pan as characters silently process where exactly it happened

Oscar · Jim:Oscar asks if Angela is 'crazy in bed'; when asked 'how so, specifically?' he says 'eager and flexible'

Oscar:Oscar's response: 'I don't even get the discussion — hot is a temperature, people — but Kevin deserves to lose for what he said. So yes, she's hot. She's hot as heck. She's a female Boris Becker.'

Oscar:Oscar asks 'Did you bring your jerky in again?' while smoke fills the office, completely missing that there's a fire.

Oscar · unnamed coworker:Oscar being pulled through a ceiling tile and then dropped — 'Pull me up! / You're too heavy.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar's 'That's what she said' joke about the biofeedback machine: 'Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? / That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay.'

Oscar · Toby:Oscar's roast: 'Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.' / Toby: 'Cut off your nose to spider face.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay and kept the money for the cat. 'He wouldn't have wanted that.'

Kevin · Angela · Oscar:The Nanny Cam reveals two cats mating: 'That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady.' / 'No!' / 'Awesome.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'The other one's watching.' (as a third cat observes on the Nanny Cam)

Oscar:Office worker on Nanny Cam reaction: 'This is getting weird. Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue?'

Oscar · Kevin:'Has this been on the entire time?' / 'I have no idea. I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head about the cat behavior: 'The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin: 'Hawaiian Blood Punch.' Oscar: 'That's gross.' Kevin: 'Type O-cean Spray.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael tries to get Oscar to share a story: 'I'm sure whatever you did wasn't your fault.' Oscar declines. Awkward silence and Michael moves on.

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'Where's Andy?' Oscar: 'He's on one of his honeymoons.' Michael: 'What?' Oscar: 'He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's knockin' 'em off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning, and later he's got a couples' massage.'

Oscar · Jim:It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania. — Oscar reveals the client / That's kind of a big client.

Oscar · Michael · Jim:The reveal that all five golden tickets went to the same client — Blue Cross, their largest account

Michael · Oscar:Nobody panic. The good news is they can't fire all of us, right? — Michael / They can. — Oscar / No, they can't. — Michael / Yes, they can. — Oscar / Well, Oscar, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. — Michael / Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is? — Oscar / All right, then we're screwed.

Michael · Oscar:Michael introducing Oscar: 'He is Latino, and he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart, but he didn't bring any of that into work... and I am very proud of him for that.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael introduces Oscar by announcing he 'just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart' but 'didn't bring any of that into work'

Oscar · Michael:'You put a note in my food?' / 'I made it sterile.' / 'Just saying sterile doesn't make it so.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar's business-plan reality check: 'Best-case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least five years.' / 'You already have the job. You don't have to convince me.'

Angela · Oscar:Mose wearing sandals to work — 'The man is wearing sandals. I don't need to see Oscar's toes at work. Gross.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy offers to loan Oscar socks he was going to wear to volleyball practice

Meredith · Michael · Toby · Oscar:Meredith's progressive Casual Friday violations — skirt riding up, then boob out, then no panties

Kelly · Pam · Angela · Oscar · Toby:The office staff forms a chaotic line outside Toby's door, each mimicking his 'if you do this, I'll do that' dress code negotiation gestures

Oscar:If you don't take out his battery, he just keeps going all day.

Michael · Oscar:Daddy's here, and Daddy is going to take care of you. Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.

Oscar · Michael:Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you? Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it.

Michael · Oscar:Michael gossips that Stanley is having a midlife crisis and was 'at a club for young people.' Oscar immediately counters: 'Stanley is way past the middle of his life, especially considering his height-to-weight ratio.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael's gossip montage: 'Kelly has an eating disorder.' / 'Yes.' / 'She always eats my lunch.' / 'Anorexia.' / 'She's an anorexitic.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy asks Oscar if he thinks the gay rumor is true. Oscar: 'Are you attracted to other men?' Andy: 'No. But let me kick you a scenario...' — the Brad Pitt beach cabana fantasy

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael asks Oscar about colonoscopy sensations and whether to have a safe word

Oscar · Michael:Oscar's horrified 'Oh, my God!' reaction beat — then asks about a safe word

Oscar · Jim:Oscar: 'My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?' Jim: '...yeah.' Oscar: 'Her kid needs shoes, Jim!'

Dwight · Oscar · Office Staff:Dwight's motivational speech to the office mob: 'What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Think about it. Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as smart as Oscar? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? Some rule by imposing their rule through their heft. Is he heftier than—' Oscar: 'We get it.'

Oscar · Kevin · Penny:Pam introduces Kevin, but Kevin's sister-in-law Penny thought his name was 'Gill' — and she assumed he was Oscar's boyfriend. Oscar: 'You thought I was dating this?'

Oscar · Kevin · Penny:Oscar: 'I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.' Then: 'Are you seeing anyone right now?' Oscar: 'She has a boyfriend. He's out of town.' 'Cool. Thank you.'

Dwight · Michael · Oscar:Dwight's hotel bar outfit described as looking like he's 'going to a fish fry.' Dwight's explanation: 'No, they're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women. Because of howling during sex.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.' Michael: 'Yeah, but that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.'

Oscar · Angela:Angela and Oscar have clearly spent time together — Oscar is nursing what appears to be morning-after distress; Angela says wedding emotions made her cry. Oscar: 'People say you cry all the time.' Angela: 'Well, that's...' [trails off]

Toby · Oscar:Toby talking head: explains he's 'trying to decide if I have time to pee.' Oscar: 'How long do you take to pee?' Toby: 'The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The coalition for reason is extremely weak.'

Oscar · Pam · Jim:Oscar calling Jim and Pam on their honeymoon: 'I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon... It's Michael. He thinks he's being shaken down by the mob.'

Oscar · Kevin:Oscar to Kevin: 'This constitutes identity fraud.' / Kevin: 'I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar. I'm not like you.' / Oscar: 'What's that supposed to mean?' / Kevin: 'You don't know about jail? You would love jail.' / Oscar: 'Why would I love jail?' / Kevin: 'Because... you would love it.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.'

Oscar:Oscar confessional: 'Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.'

Pam · Oscar:'Don't call my mother your lover!' / 'Ooh. That's what I'm talking about.'

Oscar · Pam:'Maybe you're right. Who are we to--' / 'Shut up, Oscar.' — Pam cuts off Oscar as he starts to sympathize with Michael

Oscar · Pam:'My mother's in a wheelchair.' / 'Well, he could still...'

Stanley · Michael · Oscar:Stanley: 'You just ignore their carping.' Michael: 'Okay.' Oscar: 'A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They're mocking you with wordplay!'

Michael · Oscar:The koi that Michael stepped on has died; the custodian wants $300. Michael: 'I could get a fish for a five-cent worm.' Oscar: 'You're paying way too much for worms, then. Who's your worm guy?'

Michael · Erin · Oscar:The koi has died; it 'stepped on its head' — Michael is billed $300

Michael · Oscar:Michael responds to the koi funeral question: 'Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock.' / 'He did not suffer.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'I could get a fish for a five-cent worm.' / Oscar: 'You're paying way too much for worms, then. Who's your worm guy?'

Oscar · Jim · Michael · Office Staff:The tape plays and Oscar stops it; it's revealed Jim stepped aside and let Michael fall rather than catching him

Jim · Oscar:Jim's excuse: 'I think when I started to see you go in, I think I just froze.' Oscar: 'I don't think you froze.'

Oscar:Oscar to Jim: 'Hey, what's up, lifeguard?'

Kevin · Oscar · Creed:"My money's on Pam." "It's not a fight — what other outcome could there be?" "Michael could win." "How?" "He can't hit his back."

Oscar:Oscar: "Are you eating popcorn?" Re: audience member eating popcorn at the fight

Jim · Oscar · Ryan:The article about Dunder Mifflin declaring bankruptcy cuts off mid-sentence and costs $1.99 to finish.

Oscar:Oscar is giving a dry, detailed coupon code update in a staff meeting about the letter O vs. zero confusion — while the office is in potential financial collapse.

Oscar · Michael · Kevin:Oscar: 'Now do the Swedish Chef.' Michael: 'Uh, I'm not familiar. What province is he from?' Kevin: 'He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar tries to deliver real news about stopped vendor payments; Michael refuses to engage until Oscar delivers it in character with a Southern accent.

Oscar:Oscar (in forced Southern accent): 'This here plantation, we're runnin' low on, uh, greenbacks, and we're havin' problems payin' the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay 'em.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar explains the company's financial crisis in bullet points: bad investments, no cash. Michael asks him to condense it. Oscar: 'That's as simple as I can make it.'

Oscar · Michael · Meredith:Oscar: 'This is so typical of management to spend money on this. They're a bunch of boobs.' Michael: 'Hate to break it to you, Oscar, but some of us like boobs.' Meredith: 'Calves, calves all the way.'

Oscar · Shareholder:Oscar: 'I just want to take those stupid board of directors by their necks.' Shareholder: 'You should do that, get in line.' Oscar: 'Oh, what a great idea and lose my job. No, thank you.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael presents Oscar to the board: 'This is Oscar Martinez, accountant extraordinaire... he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky murky situation. Take it away.' — Oscar has no idea what Michael has promised

Michael · Oscar:Oscar begins speaking to the board carefully and diplomatically. Michael interrupts: 'That wasn't what you were saying to me.' 'He was much more articulate and that was better.'

Michael · Oscar:After the disastrous Oscar presentation, Michael: 'Wow, man, that was embarrassing. For me.' Oscar: 'For me too.' Michael: 'For you? You embarrassed me.'

Oscar · Michael · Scranton crew:Oscar, Michael, and the Scranton crew steal the limo: 'Oscar! Oscar, come on!' / 'Limos are for people who make the company money, not lose millions and have no plan. So we're leaving early.' / 'Woo-hoo! Go, go, go, go!'

Pam · Oscar:Pam defending her win: 'Wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.' Oscar: 'Oh, really? From what? Two to four?' Pam: 'Yep.'

Oscar · Warehouse Guy:Oscar tells a warehouse guy his lasagna secret: 'Every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box.' The guy responds: 'That's funny.' Oscar: 'Is it funny? I thought it was more interesting than funny.'

Oscar · Warehouse Employee:Oscar visits the warehouse, where a man tells him Matt is out on a delivery and offers to take his check. Oscar asks: 'Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think?' The man immediately says 'I'll just leave it here with you.' Camera holds on Oscar's disappointed reaction.

Oscar · Matt · Pam:Pam nudges Oscar to go talk to Matt. Oscar's approach: 'Good pâté, right? Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar?' He then flags Oscar over himself to introduce them.

Angela · Oscar · Michael:Oscar and Angela argue over Michael's homemade orange juice popsicles that disappeared from the freezer. Oscar: 'That's because you kept opening the freezer door to check if they were frozen.' Angela: 'Yeah, but then I left it closed, and now they're all gone.' Angela: 'Those were my homemade orange juice popsicles.' Oscar: 'Well, whatcha gonna do about it? You can't fire us anymore.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar confronts someone about the popsicles: 'Do you know how long it took me to freeze those?' / 'That's because you kept opening the freezer door to check if they were frozen.'

Oscar · Pam (phone):Oscar doing the scavenger hunt: 'I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?'

Oscar:Oscar correctly interprets Michael's clue: 'He means his mopey place. It's under that street lamp that he thinks was in Casablanca.'

Jim · Oscar:Oscar/non-sales staff approach salespeople to make peace; salespeople: 'If the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad. Did you ever think of that?'

Jim · Dwight · Oscar:Peace offering negotiations: 2% commission reduced to '1% a month instead of 2%'

Oscar · Jim:Sales team brings a full pastry spread as a peace offering; non-sales: 'We get it — you eat like royalty.'

Oscar · Matt:Oscar tries to engineer a run-in with his crush Matt by arriving at the gym early, but Matt says 'No. I always come in at 7:00.' Then Oscar says 'No you don't.' Then Matt says 'Well...'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head about Matt: 'We talked this morning, and we talked at Christmas, so a little momentum there.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'Couple hours to kill before work' — delivered after we've established he came in early specifically to see Matt

Jim · Oscar:Jim: 'I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right?' Oscar: 'I couldn't understand a word he said.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin confronts Oscar about Matt: 'Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.' Oscar: 'Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.'

Oscar:Oscar realizes she's been sitting on her Girl Scout cookies: 'Wait, I'm sitting on them. This is awesome.'

Kevin · Oscar · Dwight:Kevin's Oscar/Count retaliation video: Oscar calls Kevin about accounting discrepancies; Kevin reveals he made a Cookie Monster vs. The Count parody with Oscar as The Count because 'the Count is purple, and Oscar wears purple.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'There's a third base? Baseball? Really? I always thought it was based on orchestra chairs.' — pause — 'And now you're telling me there's a third base in the orchestra? No. That's a bass-heavy orchestra.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight to Oscar: 'Speaking of rainbows, Oscar... you are kind of a double minority. Gay.' — then immediately pivots away without explaining the rainbow connection

Oscar · Dwight · Stanley:Oscar and the other minorities refuse to apply, not because the program isn't good, but because they're scared of Kelly. Dwight: 'Are we scared of Kelly? That's ridiculous.' Cut to everyone clearly being scared of Kelly.

Meredith · Oscar:Meredith: 'Michael, I flirt with Oscar sometimes when I want him to do something for me.' Oscar: 'Why would you even say that? I don't find you even remotely attractive.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael interprets Donna leaving her barrette as a romantic signal: 'People don't just take barrettes off.' Oscar: 'Michael... She doesn't want you to return the barrette. She's not interested in you.' — the whole office's defeated delivery

Oscar · Michael:"You were being really funny and then you went too far. / I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby. / No, that's still..."

Kevin · Michael · Oscar:'Did you talk to the man whose wife you're having an affair with? / Yes. / Wow, that is crazy. / Was there a fist fight? / No, we just talked. He's very nice. / And it didn't change your mind? / It did not.'

Oscar · Michael:'Michael, that's awful. / Isn't it? / Yes. / I'm awful, aren't I? / Yeah. / I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now I want a piece of cake.'

Michael · Oscar:I am officially the second most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site. / What's number one? / Oh? That teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. / Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again.

Oscar · Jim:Yeah, you know? I mean, for all we know, it could have been Jim. / Really?

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Pam · Ryan · Creed · Andy · Oscar · Angela · Kevin · Darryl · Erin:The entire cold open lip sync/dance performance to 'Nobody But Me' — the whole office is participating in an elaborately choreographed music video, including Dwight with a CamelBak hydration pack, Creed awkwardly appearing, and Ryan ignoring it for his laptop

Luke · Oscar · Kevin · Darryl:Luke (the new assistant) arrives with coffee and calls out nicknames: 'Here you go, big 'O'... Tiny... Darryl Hannah.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael invokes God and Jesus to defend nepotism: 'God, when he needed help on earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.' Others: 'That's a really tight argument.' 'Thank you.' 'Yeah.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I couldn't care less about nepotism. But I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat.'

Oscar · Unknown:Oscar picks up something from the car: 'Oh, sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.' Someone else: 'Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.'

Michael · Luke · Oscar · Angela:In a parallel scene, Michael is training Luke with a laser pointer, which Luke keeps pointing at colleagues — Oscar's head, Angela's 'boob' — while Michael desperately tries to redirect him.

Oscar · Michael · Luke:Oscar: 'Oh my God, is it in my eyeball?' 'Yes.' 'I think he's burning my eye.' Michael: 'Sack up, man.'

Oscar · Dwight:The advice 'not so monochromatic, not so matching' — less matching = more rich — confuses Dwight: 'Wait, less matching to appear more rich?'

Dwight · Oscar · Kelly:Dwight's glasses are removed; multiple people say they liked them / thought they were cute; Dwight says 'I can't see.'

Oscar:'It's nice, like Up.' (another character comparing the balloon bouquet to the Pixar film)

Oscar:The critic's confessional: 'Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances.'

Michael · Jim · Pam · Oscar:Colleagues start booing Michael after he dismisses the idea of people booing him: 'Boo! Boo!' / Michael: 'I appreciate the feedback.' / More boos / 'I don't like that at all.'

Oscar · Andy · Michael:Oscar's sass at the cast party: 'It was like amateur hour.' / Andy: 'It was an amateur production, technically.' / Oscar: 'Oscar, enough with the sass, please! God! What is wrong with you?'

Michael · Oscar · Jim:The office debates Michael's age: 'That was, like, 10 years ago.' / 'No, it was, like, four years ago.' / 'Michael, you're at least 46.' / 'Why "at least"? If you're guessing 46, just say 46.'

Michael · Andy · Stanley · Oscar:Andy's attention-request debate: Michael points out Andy has asked for everyone's attention 'like a year ago' and Andy protests, triggering everyone to cite specific occasions (new phone, World Cup scores)

Andy · Oscar:Andy demonstrates condom use on a pencil. Oscar: 'Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?' Andy: 'Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael tells Oscar he needs to inform him that they may have exchanged an STD from their public kiss — 'Herpes duplex. It's probably just an ingrown mustache hair, but we have to be exhaustive.'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar: 'We were never lovers.' Michael: 'I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...'

Michael · Dwight · Oscar:The escalating list of locations where Oscar supposedly had sex: 'Flower shops, fireworks celebrations... Fence with a hole in it. Moonlit gondola. Carriage ride through Central Park. The woods behind the liquor store. Electric car dealership. The Democratic Primary.'

Oscar:If you don't enter them immediately, you forget. What?

Oscar · Andy:How much? / 60 bucks a session. / That's crazy money. I'll take 40.

Andy · Oscar:The band plays a song from the point of view of a little girl about bringing troops home, but it's sung by Andy (adult man) in falsetto.

Oscar:That's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid.

Oscar:Not really. It's kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl.

Oscar · Andy:I don't think they usually skate to such... bad songs. / Rude. And not helpful.

Meredith · Oscar:Meredith, I-- / Oh, Manuel. This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English. / Hola. ¿Que tal? / ¿Como estas? / Uh, Manuel, cleano el window.

Andy · Oscar:Songs about truth. / Yeah. / What's something you really care about? / Reverse snobbery. / More universal.

Oscar:Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by.

Andy · Oscar:Andy and Oscar spontaneously compose 'Closet Full of Me' in real time — 'couldn't get outta bed today / wish the alarm clock would go away / which me am I gonna be today / I got a closet full of mes'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin says his costume makes him look like Michael Moore.

Oscar:Oscar debunks the coupon book prize: 'Everyone realizes this coupon book is not actually worth $15,000, right? You'd have to spend $200,000 on crap you don't even need to get $15,000 worth of benefits.'

Oscar · Kelly:Oscar: 'Guys, you're arguing over a 1 in 16 chance. Over a prize worth... 40 bucks.' / Kelly: 'Um, 15,000 bucks, Oscar.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I guess you could say I'm still in costume. I'm a rational consumer.' / 'Yeah, I heard you say it to Phyllis.' / 'That's a good line.'

Oscar · Pam:Oscar walks the catwalk with a sign: 'The Rational Consumer' — and is presented by Pam: 'I present to you the Rational Consumer. As it were.'

Oscar · Pam:Oscar wins the costume contest. Oscar wins with his 'Rational Consumer' costume, beating out all the actual Halloween costumes.

Oscar:Oscar's talking head explaining his vote: 'If I have to vote for someone I don't want it to be someone who can be me. Shake things up. I'm an inner guy.'

Oscar · Kevin:For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless? Try 'Jesus.' Opus Dei.

Kevin · Oscar · Michael:You could feed the hungry. Us. OSCAR: Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time. Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene.

Jim · Oscar:Jim checks scores on his phone during a commercial break; Oscar demands he flip it back.

Multiple · Jim · Oscar:Oh, my God. What song was that? / I wasn't recording it. / They did Blinded by the Light, and they did it with an actual blind guy. / Was it worth it, Jim? 'Cause we missed it.

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin's repeated 'Dunh-duh-na-dah!' fanfare followed by 'Zero.' twice — the second time after Oscar recalculates.

Oscar:Also, the Internet has a history of rewarding annoying white boys. All the ingredients are there.

Oscar · Ryan:Oscar suggests WUPHF as an emergency notification for shooters or gas leaks on college campuses. Ryan: 'No, no, Oscar, it's not a digital rape whistle.'

Ryan · Michael · Office Staff · Oscar:Ryan's WUPHF condom marketing pitch: 50,000 condoms dropped from a helicopter over Spring Break Daytona Beach — the whole office joins in enthusiastically before Oscar brings it back to reality.

Oscar:That's good. That'll leave six days. Nice little vacation? Perfect.

Andy · Oscar:W.U.P.H.F. / Oh, God. They only want it for the initials. The domain name.

Oscar:Consider it a WUPHF in person.

Oscar:It's not that we don't believe in the company. We don't believe in you.

Michael · Oscar:Michael's computer advice: 'Try control P.' 'That's print.' 'Not if the printer isn't hooked up.' 'You're making very dangerous assumptions.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael at coffee with Oscar: 'Did you know that China has a new missile that can sink a US naval carrier 900 miles off the coast?' / 'We have missiles too.'

Michael · Oscar:Oscar argues China is just a 'boogeyman' and references Japan in the 1980s; Michael counters with manufacturing stats: '17% in China vs. 8% in the US.' Oscar pivots to the information sector; Michael pauses — then clearly has no comeback.

Michael · Oscar:Michael at coffee: 'China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives and they will control us.' Oscar: 'Actually, we're in a mild recession...'

Michael · Oscar:Michael vs. Oscar debate reaches genuine deadlock: Michael cites 17% vs 8% manufacturing growth; Oscar counters with information sector relevance; Michael clearly knows more than expected

Michael · Oscar:Michael's conclusion: 'As long as people like you and me don't stop talking... nobody can stop the USA.' Oscar: 'Right.' Michael: 'I am talking about freedom. About choice. America...'

Oscar:Oscar's reaction after Michael leaves: 'That wasn't what we were... That wasn't the whole...' — trails off, defeated.

Michael · Darryl · Phyllis · Stanley · Angela · Oscar · Erin:The entire office Christmas photo shoot where Michael keeps trying to get everyone to jump simultaneously and failing each time

Angela · Oscar:Angela name-drops her senator boyfriend repeatedly, each time being corrected: 'He's a very busy senator.' 'State senator.'

Angela · Oscar:'We went to a picnic thrown by the comptroller's wife.' 'Oh, that would be impressive... if anyone knew what a comptroller was.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela describes the ribbon-cutting ceremony photo shoot: '...how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony?' 'I do. Two.'

Toby · Oscar:Toby: 'I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty.' [beat] 'That was the worst joke ever.'

Oscar · Pam:Oscar reads Pam's Bear Man comic and critiques the origin story: 'We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise it's the bear's quest.'

Oscar · Pam:'It's also a little derivative of a serial called Bear Man.' 'Did you look that up?' 'No.'

Oscar · Angela:Angela complains about the cold. Oscar: 'Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car for screwing Americans.'

Oscar:Oscar on Senator Lipton: 'Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.'

Oscar:You know what, Ryan? I talked to the other gay guys, and we're okay with it. We all agreed it's fine for you to get married.

Pam · Oscar · Kevin · Gabe:The office workers conducting the caption contest via secret I.M. chat to circumvent Gabe's rules — and Gabe intercepting it.

Oscar · Michael:Oscar clears his throat loudly twice to get Michael's attention; Michael asks if Oscar is sick and if he needs to go home because he's 'grossing him out.'

Kevin · Oscar · Creed · Pam · Other Office Workers:The office group confessional about Michael and Holly's PDA culminates with Kevin saying 'I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny,' causing group disgust.

Oscar:Oscar's description of Michael's kissing: 'I hear them kissing all the time. It's this horrible plipping sound... it's like Chinese water torture. Just... (imitates kissing) Like it's coming from my own head.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises. That's weird. I mean, that's weird to have sex in the office.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar's analysis of Michael and Holly's PDA, listing three possible causes including: '...you're at an age where your sexual climaxes aren't as powerful, so you need to overcompensate with foreplay, taboo behavior.' Michael: 'Yes, it was that. It's that one. Number three.'

Oscar:Oscar admits: 'No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two, it's reaching the level of a complex.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael announces Holly and he are moving in together, then immediately tells Oscar: 'Oscar, this must be tough for you watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend.' Oscar: 'Are you kidding? I wasn't trying to break you guys up.' Michael: 'Better luck next time, pal.'

Michael · Oscar:As Michael and Holly leave making out, Michael calls back: 'Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you.' Oscar: 'I just told them to do it.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as president, even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.'

Oscar · Holly:Oscar and the others to Holly: 'Don't what's up us. You think you're so cute with your pretty blond hair. Pull it back.'

Oscar · Holly:Oscar: 'We can't fire someone because we don't like him. Right. This isn't the U.S. government.' Holly: 'What are you referencing?' Oscar: 'Everything.'

Oscar:Oscar owns a large collection of Will & Grace merchandise/DVDs despite not being a fan — everyone assumes he is because he's gay

Ryan · Michael · Oscar:Ryan's 'breadsticks are like crack' exchange — 'What can I use? I don't know. Something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.' 'You're right, you're right. No, I'm a middle-class fraud.'

Oscar:'Damn, that was cold.' — audience member reacting to the breakup

Andy · Jim · Pam · Dwight · Kevin · Erin · Oscar · Meredith · Angela · Stanley · Ryan:The office performs a parody of 'Seasons of Love' ('Rent') customized with Michael-specific details: 'You hit me with your car / You helped me get off drugs / I watch you when you sleep / I forgive you for kissing me'

Toby · Oscar:Toby: 'It's fine.' / 'It's his last Dundies. You got to play along, man.' / 'Come on, Toby.' — Toby accepting the award to protect Michael's feelings

Andy · Michael · Oscar:Andy bursts in to interrupt Michael's moment with Oscar: 'Michael, I just lost Porter Hardware!'

Michael · Oscar:Michael gives Oscar a 'Scarecrow' diploma he made by hand — Oscar's talking head: 'It looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional, moved despite himself: 'And he just... he just accepted it... that I put all this work into it. He has the lowest opinion of me of anybody.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael to Oscar: 'Was it just me, or did you think we were gonna have sex at some point?' Oscar: 'It was just you.' Michael: 'How would you have wanted to do it?'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar showing pictures of the senator 'antiquing... rollerblading.' — Then: 'Who's that guy? / Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide.' — Long pause.

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'Glad he's not my boss.'

Deangelo · Kevin · Angela · Oscar:Deangelo insists the foul line is where he says it is. Kevin volunteers to sit under the basket. 'Someone wanna sit in Kevin's lap?' / 'Angela?' 'No.' / 'Oscar?' 'No, thank you.'

Dwight · Oscar · Jim:Dwight tells the staff he expects no one to 'foment insurrection.' Oscar asks if people who have already fomented insurrection can be grandfathered in. Dwight says 'Define foment.' Oscar: 'You define foment.'

Kevin · Oscar · Jim:Someone has to do something about Dwight. He put some snacks in the freezer for us. / You mean the frozen mice for the piranha? / No. The blueberry slurpee pouch. / Hmm. He means the ice pack.

Oscar · Jim:I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms? / Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD.

Oscar · Dwight · Jim · Others:The entire final scene: the office struggling to enter the new 21-digit copier code — reading numbers aloud, arguing, making mistakes, starting over.

Angela · Pam · Oscar:Angela shows off her engagement ring: 'It's a little flashy. I mean, what am I, Naomi Judd?'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head about Angela's engagement to the Senator: 'Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, I'm a little excited. But overall, horrified.'

Oscar · Pam:Oscar discussing whether the Senator is gay: 'The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins. What? Forget it. I'm never gonna know what goes on there.'

Pam · Oscar:'You're in the gay mafia.' Oscar: 'You're thinking of another group, much wealthier, much older.'

Andy · Oscar:Great group! Pizza party! / How is this a pizza party? / Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here? / Yeah, well that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.

Oscar:Oscar's intellectual over-analysis: 'He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.'

Andy · Dwight · Jim · Oscar:Andy's 'rap session' — gathering the team for a 'little rap session to talk about business' that has no agenda and no ideas

Jim · Oscar · Andy:Jim: 'If we could just double our sales, we already would have.' Oscar: 'You're not making any sense.' Jim: 'He brings up two good points.'

Oscar · Andy:Oscar's immediate deconstruction: 'It seems like a basic reward system where you give us points and then we redeem those points for prizes.' Andy: 'You're exactly right. And you get a point.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight spraying water from a bottle at the dog through the car window, not aiming well. 'Dwight, at least aim it.'

Oscar · Group:Oscar smashes the car window with a rock. The crowd cheers. 'Nice job, Oscar.' 'And one for good measure.' Oscar hits it again.

Oscar:I think I would keep working. And for my salary, I guess I would take, like, $1 a year.

Oscar:Obviously, I wouldn't come in till noon. And I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do. / I mean, I'm getting paid $1 a year, okay? You can chill.

Kevin · Oscar:Come on, Oscar. Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy? / Bulk or definition?

Oscar:It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy, Dean. But Dean got fixated on his calves, and his triceps went to hell.

Andy · Oscar · Others:Two separate people attempt to toast Robert California — Oscar then someone else — and Andy intervenes: 'You can't triple-toast somebody. At least not until we hit everyone once.'

Oscar · Darryl:Oscar correcting Darryl's Citizen Kane interpretation — 'No, Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was. It just represented what was important to him as a child that he missed.' / 'Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree.' / 'No. You're wrong.'

Oscar · Andy:Oscar calling Andy 'Nard-Dog' — Andy's reaction of genuine, childlike gratitude

Dwight · Jim · Oscar · Kelly:The office learns the failsafe will also forward every negative email they've ever sent Robert about him. Reading of the emails: 'Creep by TLC, Creep by Radiohead.' / 'There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.' (Jim) / 'He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him.' (Oscar)

Oscar:Oscar's email: 'He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'No, we're not. And you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'When the stakes are this high, there's only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by Thai food and Spanish reds.'

Oscar · Kevin · Pam:It's gonna be nice to have a healthy, young, fit presence in the office. Aesthetically speaking, strictly. She adds a nice presence. Good energy. / It's gonna be nice to have someone hot at Pam's desk?

Oscar · Dwight:Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal? / Okay, I will. I don't know who that is but I'm going to tell you this. He's a historian.

Oscar · Dwight:Was it the second most northern? [pause] Sure! I would cede it was the second most northern battle.

Oscar:I apologize for my friend. And for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.

Robert California · Oscar:And why is BlackRock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared? / Yeah, I don't know. / Right? I mean, you're an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane. / Yes, I am an accountant.

Oscar:You're right, there should be a monument to this.

Andy · Oscar:Andy suggesting accounting as a fit for Mrs. California: 'I really clicked with Oscar, and I do have some experience with bookkeeping.' Accountants: 'We already have a surplus of accountants.'

Oscar:All I need is another gym. As if I don't have enough drama. We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom. Who's spotting who?

Andy · Oscar:Andy's staff meeting: 'Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.' Oscar: 'Andy, if he didn't want her working here, then why did you hire her?'

Oscar:Oscar to Mrs. California: 'Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now: No.'

Robert California · Oscar:Robert's bartending: 'Oh, never considered myself a mixologist. Oh, this is daunting. I need a mortar, pestle, muddler. Does anyone have any chocolate shavings?'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin saying 'Oh yeah' every time he eats a candy bar, Oscar calling him out, and Kevin being unable to stop himself — doing it again immediately after being confronted

Andy · Oscar:Andy's plan to make a fake accounting error: 'So make that error!' — Oscar refuses because it's not his kind of thing, Andy says 'I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing'

Oscar:Oscar's dramatic refusal to cook the books — then revealing he's skipping out to go to 'Triviocalypse'

Oscar · Andy:'It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a $1,000 prize.' / 'What?' — Andy's total confusion at the word 'Triviocalypse'

Andy · Oscar:Andy shows up at the bar: 'How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy's response to 'What does this say about you?' — 'That I believe in my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything.' / Oscar: 'Not anything.'

Andy · Oscar · Kevin · Meredith · Kelly · Erin:The team self-sorting into A-team, Backup, and 'Good-timers' — with clear visual implication that Kevin and other weak players self-select into the good-timers group

Oscar · Kevin:Kevin checking his phone during trivia: 'I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account.'

Andy · Oscar · Team:The office discovers the bar is hosting the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships with a $4,500 prize — four times what they expected

Robert California · Kevin · Oscar:Robert agrees to the party, then: 'Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.' Kevin immediately: 'Hey, Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air, or was it me?' Oscar: 'That was you, Kevin.' Kevin: 'It was me.'

Kelly · Oscar:Kelly and Oscar debate the ring's bad energy. Kelly: 'Ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?' Oscar: 'I don't think you're being silly.' Kelly: 'Oh, God.'

Kelly · Oscar:Kelly: 'You know what? I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.' Oscar: 'Oh.' Kelly: 'Then another woman will get it, we can't allow that. We have to destroy it.'

Kevin · Oscar:Is it black? Because that would be hilarious. / Why? / You know.

Oscar · Kevin:Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby? / A little bit. Yeah. Right, guys? Back me up.

Kevin · Oscar:Oh. Did I win the pool? / Uh, no. Right month, wrong year.

Kevin · Oscar:Philip is so fat. / Kevin! / You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. You didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.

Oscar · Kevin:Yes, he's substantial. Hey. / He's more than substantial. He's a monster.

Oscar · Angela:Preemie pajamas. / I think he came early just so he could wear these.

Oscar · Angela:Honestly, I can return this for a larger size. / It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.

Oscar · Angela:Chicken marsala. / Right.

Angela · Oscar · Pam:Angela asks if anyone wants to see a picture of Philip, then pivots to her cat Philip — but Oscar's dog is apparently doing baby things too

Pam · Oscar:Talking head: Angela and Pam simultaneously — 'Angela is such a liar.' / 'It's maddening.'

Oscar · Angela · Pam:Oscar pivots from baby talk to 'There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat' — Angela and Pam: 'Unbelievable! Un-be-lie-va-ble.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'Since the interesting thing happened till now, so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.'

Oscar:Confessional: 'Which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure! Oh, God, I'm Wallace Shawn — The Princess Bride!'

Oscar · Andy:'I am dying to know what's in there.' 'Yeah, I know, Oscar. We all are. But nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane.'

Jim · Oscar:Jim: 'He said "I did like Dwight"? He's gonna fire him.' Office Worker: 'No, no, I think it was more like... "I liked him, but I don't any more, 'cause he did a bad job. So I'm definitely gonna yell at him."' Jim: 'Robert doesn't talk like that.'

Oscar:'Did a good job, buddy. Now it's time to come home.' — said to a deflating balloon

Oscar:Oscar: 'I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.'

Jim · Pam · Phyllis · Kevin · Oscar · Dwight:The entire office cannot agree on or picture whether Stanley has a mustache, despite working with him for 25 years

Nellie · Oscar · Kevin · Dwight:"...and I mean no offense, but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?" — followed by the room's silent alarm

Oscar · Nellie:"Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive. Ooh! Ay caramba! The natives are getting restless."

Oscar · Nellie:"What does that mean?" / "Or the squash court, or the supreme court. Hmm?"

warehouse worker · Oscar:Party committee discussing code names: 'Ryan was "Douche Bag."' / 'Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult. Plus, everyone would know who you meant.'

Kevin · Oscar:"How about 'Pam'? Simple, easy to remember." / "Because there's someone already here named Pam."

Oscar · Robert California:Oscar: 'Are you kidding me? 'Cause I'm way into [photography].' / 'Children? Yes. / Homeless people? Yes. / 'Cause in a way they're more real...than the rest of us!'

Oscar:Oscar: 'He wanted to rock more than just my vote.' — describing the Senator's flirtation.

Oscar:Oscar's 'the look' demonstration in a talking head — he re-creates the Senator's seductive glance for the camera.

Kevin · Oscar:Call me a layman, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers or Oreos or a pizza pie or... what's another food that we like? Tacos!

Oscar · Jim:Oscar: 'He gives his cell out to everybody.' — Jim has just proved this by getting the Senator's cell number himself.

Oscar · Pam · Jim:'A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.' / 'A gay man wouldn't leave the store wearing those shoes.' / 'Hey, you bought me these shoes.'

Oscar:Oscar talking head: 'No, sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here. No, I'm certainly not disappointed that Angela's husband wasn't hitting on me... I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'No, sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here. No, I'm certainly not disappointed that Angela's husband wasn't hitting on me.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.'

Senator · Oscar · Angela:Senator to Oscar, at the end of the event: 'And don't forget to call.' — with Angela standing right there.

Oscar:Oscar: 'Why does this always happen to me?' — talking head, after the Senator turns out to be giving his number to everyone.

Oscar:Oscar: 'Why does this always happen to me? Ahh!'

Angela · Oscar:Angela to Oscar: 'If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.' Oscar: 'Those guys always turn back, Angela.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela on why she's giving away the cat: 'Allergies.' 'Your husband?' 'No, the baby.' Then: 'It's the only time I've seen him cry, other than our wedding night.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela: 'He has this business dinner tonight. C'est la vie.' Oscar: 'Please don't teach the cat French.'

Oscar · Angela:Oscar calls Angela's husband 'Robert' and says he'll see him 'tonight when you come over for dinner.' Angela freezes.

Oscar · Andy:Oscar calls out the absurdity of the body-compliment exercise. Andy responds: 'Newsflash, everyone, the human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.' Then: 'Walter Cronkite. Cronkite was hot! If I could go back in time, I'd take that moustache ride.'

Oscar:Oscar's reaction to learning Pam is learning Dothraki: 'That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today, but this was a great nerd-out.'

Oscar · Andy · Kevin:Oscar's speech: 'The difference is, Andy, that you're the only one here still benefitting from the terrible things your ancestors did.' Andy: 'Might have done.' Oscar: 'Your family's rich.' Andy: 'There's nothing wrong with being successful in America. I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth could one day benefit society, if capital gains are ever taxed at the same rate as earned income.' Beat. 'Okay, Kevin did that.'

Oscar · Andy:Oscar: 'Is this like a blooper reel?' Andy: 'A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? Do I look like Bob Saget?'

Oscar · Andy:Oscar: 'That was just normal video with you making vulgar noises.' Andy: 'Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar.'

Oscar · Office Staff:Oscar: 'How many times do you need to take a stroll?' Unnamed character: 'My legs cramp up, okay? It's a circulation issue.' Someone: 'Boy, I will hammerspank your rear.'

Oscar · Nellie:Oscar helping Nellie with adoption form: 'Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages. Although, I have considered kidnapping one. And never say that.'

Oscar · Nellie:Oscar to Nellie: 'I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five-year-old again. I would snap you up.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin approaches Oscar with a pie. Oscar realizes Kevin wants to get hit in the face with a pie and says so. Kevin: 'You don't have the guts, you stupid, dumb do-do face.'

Kevin · Oscar:Oscar pies Kevin in the face. Kevin's response: 'Yes!' Then: 'Oh, my God, I'm getting so stuffed.'

Dwight · Andy · Oscar:After Treble performs: 'What lab did these little clones escape from?' / 'My Cornell a cappella group.' / 'You went to Cornell?'

Oscar · Clark · Andy:Oscar: 'Ugh, I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that.' Clark: 'I do! I love the boss' interests!' Andy: 'Attaboy, Clark.'

Toby · Oscar:Toby appears in costume: 'I'm Sexy Toby.' Oscar: 'Gross! I love it.'

Senator Lipton · Oscar · Angela:Senator Lipton: 'Wait a second. Who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together. This is mayhem.' Then immediately abandons Oscar to find Phyllis.

Oscar:Oscar talking head about Angela/Senator: 'The more I hear about all this a cappella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela's conversation about Senator Lipton: 'Last night he was so tired, he just wanted a little Mexican brought in.' Oscar reacts with horrified restraint: 'I can't! It's too much!'

Angela · Oscar:'The Senator is just pushing back as hard as he can.' — Oscar's cringe reaction: 'Hmm! Please stop!'

Oscar:Oscar's talking-head: 'I'm in big trouble.' / Documentary narrator voice-over: 'Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin's talking-head: 'Hey, Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion? I hope that's it, Kevin. Me, too. 'Cause then I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.'

Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Oscar bribing Kevin with snack machine money to separate Kevin from Angela mid-conversation

Oscar · Dwight:Oscar confessing to Dwight he made up the gambling accusation against Kevin: 'Those figures I gave you? They're false. No. I was mad at Kevin. We had a fight, and I acted vindictively.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight's Scranton Strangler digression: 'A few years ago, when I was on the jury, the Scranton Strangler? I always thought he might have been set up, but I felt pressured to convict.' / 'Well, that's got to be tough.' / 'Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.'

Angela · Senator Lipton · Oscar:Senator Lipton's arrival: 'Honey! What are you doing here?' / Senator (to Oscar): 'Oscar! Looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise?'

Oscar:Oscar's pivot to campaigning: 'We're not just going to sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support!'

Oscar · Office Staff:Oscar's pivot: 'Senator Lipton has a big election next week... We all need to give him our support!' — becomes a USA chant

Oscar:Oscar's talking-head: 'I have to say, I'm impressed with Kevin. He showed a lot of self-control. I totally forgot about the affair for a minute.'

Oscar:Oscar's second talking-head: 'Oscar is having sex with the Senator and Angela doesn't even know. Her life is a complete sham!'

Kevin · Phyllis · Oscar:Pizza Friday could come back. Hey, remember that week in the '90s when we got bagels? I miss Clinton.

Oscar:I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens.

Oscar:And then I make Angela's husband spoon me back to bed.

Oscar:Angela, Blake's also a guy's name, so he may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about.

Oscar · Pam:Huh. Blake. Who is Blake? I don't know. I just never heard about the Senator and yoga from you.

Angela · Oscar:We need to go and check this out. — Angela, I'll go with you.

Angela · Oscar:Oscar, you were right. I had nothing to be worried about. Thank you. Let's go. — No, whoa, whoa. Shut up. Hold on.

Angela · Oscar:The Senator is seen through the yoga studio window clearly making an intimate phone call / interacting in a way that confirms the affair.

Oscar · Angela:It's Robert who's enjoying it. What? This could be the affair you're scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are. / But, uh, he's probably not gay. He's straight. He's straight, so...

Angela · Oscar:The Senator is seen outside on a phone call — 'Oh, oh!' — the reaction as it becomes clear something intimate is happening.

Oscar:Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I am having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see when she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual.

Angela · Oscar:Angela enters and says 'Good morning' warmly — a long pause before Oscar's relieved reaction beat

Angela · Oscar:Angela asks Oscar if it's cool in the office, and Oscar — terrified she's being metaphorical about their situation — over-confirms and immediately pivots to blaming the thermostat.

Oscar:This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.

Oscar · Angela:I brought you a cookie. Thanks, Oscar, you're such an angel.

Oscar:I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so, yeah, we're good. Yeah, we dodged a bullet.

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar! Oscar, good! Listen! Hey, come with me! What? Come with me! What are you doing? There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers... I'm working. ...drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary. Yahtzee!

Trevor · Oscar · Dwight:Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez. / I am Oscar Martinez. / No, not him, outside! Outside!

Dwight · Oscar:There's no time to explain! Dwight... Okay, actually there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your kneecaps.

Dwight · Oscar:My God! What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who is the father of her child?

Angela · Oscar:You made my husband gay! / What I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is gay and he was gay when you married him.

Oscar:Angela, it's a lead fricking pipe! God!

Dwight · Oscar:Where does gayness come from and how is it transmitted? My pastor said it can come from breast feeding. He said that? Well, he didn't fight me hard on it.

Dwight · Oscar:What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet? Uh... Is it called Red Vine-ing? We heard it was called Red Vine-ing. People Red-Vine?

Dwight · Oscar:Where are gay men's vaginae? / They don't have vaginae. / What? / No. They're just regular men.

Oscar:Someone (Oscar?) says, apropos of nothing: 'Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight.'

Oscar · Dwight:Oscar reads from Wikipedia: 'His partner Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter, a slave boy often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and black face.' Everyone slowly reacts.

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar is judged 'impish' and gets hit with Belsnickel's switch. 'You hit people with that thing?' Dwight: 'No, I'm carrying around a stick in order to look cool.'

Oscar · Clark:Oscar corrects Clark's pronunciation of 'espresso': 'Actually, it's pronounced espresso.' Clark: 'Wait. That's what you said.' Oscar: 'I apologize. I just assumed you would mispronounce it.'

Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Oscar sings '♪ Yolo! ♪' to advocate for trying all 16 espresso flavors, then gets called out: 'You just do not look cool saying it.'

Oscar · Erin:Oscar to Erin: 'Stocking pens, huh? You're like the new office administrator.' Erin: 'No. I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth.'

Kevin · Oscar · Erin · Pam:Pam's colleagues shout 'Pam, look out! Erin's gunning for your job!' — twice. Erin: 'No, I'm not. It's not like that at all.' Kevin: 'Pam, look out!'

Oscar · Office staff:Moving the copier reveals they've torn up the carpet. Brief panic: 'We're gonna be in so much trouble!' Then Oscar sees the hardwood underneath: 'It's beautiful. Hardwood. I always knew it was down here. I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.'

Kevin · Angela · Oscar:Kevin assumes 'Irish-American Cultural Center mural' is a joke setup and enthusiastically waits for the punchline: 'Potato?'

Oscar:Oscar's horrified realization: 'What we have? Hmm. I just remembered. I kissed that man.'

Pam · Oscar:Pam asks if anyone wants to see Cece's recital video — Oscar: 'Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped.' / The camera cuts to Oscar doing nothing.

Pam · Oscar · Toby:The video reveals Pam filmed only the introduction and applause — not the actual recital

Oscar:'User error. I've heard it happens to other people.' — Oscar

Oscar:Oscar: 'I'm sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child.'

Pam · Oscar:Pam: 'Just don't wanna make assumptions based on people's physical appearances.' Oscar: 'Of course not. But does physical appearance include smell?' Pam: 'They smell so bad.'

Kevin · Oscar · Jim · Pam:Office workers reacting to the candidates: 'I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. Now look what he's doing to us.' / 'Jim, this is all your fault.' Jim: 'How is it my fault?'

Oscar · Pam:Office argument: 'We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.'

Oscar:Angela's husband and I are in love, but as a politician in this town you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs.

Angela · Oscar:Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too. [beat — Oscar's reaction]

Oscar · Pam:The extended exchange about paint colors — 'They used worse paint than your paint.' / 'I don't think so...' / 'They put paint where you didn't want paint' / '...I wanted different-colored paint in the spots where they put their paints'

Oscar:Opening with puff pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck.

Oscar:That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a Guinea hen be so terrifying?

Oscar:Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend, but he could have invited any number of Hispanics that he knows-- his gardener Rohelio, or he could have invited... Rohelio. / Rohelio's Malaysian. / The son of a bitch is Malaysian.

Senator Lipton · Angela · Oscar:The Senator's increasingly frantic photo management — moving Sundeep, Oscar, and a wheelchair user (Margaret) around while Angela fumes, trying to control who appears in the frame

Oscar:Kevin, great to see you. Thank you for the food. And also you suck.

Oscar · Senator Lipton:You're, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you, and you're just using them. / Again, the food was very good.

Oscar:'I wish Andy had stayed on his trip. I say we all have one last fun, boss-less day.'

Oscar:Oscar says 'I'll be your foot buddy' to Phyllis with genuine excitement about the nail salon.

Oscar · Andy:Oscar deadpans: 'Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays.'

Dwight · Oscar:Someone tries to make a dirtball and is told 'you can't make a dirtball' while Dwight is grieving; Dwight screams into dirt.

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar shows up at the farm; Dwight says 'Oh, yeah' when reminded he threw red dirt — meaning he accidentally invited Oscar.

Jeb · Oscar:Jeb greets Oscar: 'Hey, moon face. Nice to see those shiny little Chinese eyes of yours.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking-head reaction to Jeb's racist greeting: just 'Bad.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight and Oscar argue about the soil quality at the cemetery: 'It's crap soil. Nothing's gonna grow here.' / 'It's a cemetery.' / 'I'm saying it's garbage soil, that's all.'

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar: 'The only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.' Dwight: 'That's fine, cause they're not gonna grow.' Oscar: 'Well, I thank God they're not, because we don't wanna make zombies.' Dwight: 'Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'They're a descriptive people.'

Oscar:Oscar's horrified reaction to Dwight's chicken-neck flirtation while they're at a funeral.

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight takes eggs from chickens described as 'killer chickens'; he tells Oscar: 'Yes, very. You really need to stand back. 'Cause these are killer chickens.' / 'I was just asking you something I didn't know.' / 'Which is fine, and you learned something. But it was kind of a stupid question, so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.'

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar: 'Is that a guillotine?' Dwight: 'This? No. That'd be cool though. It's for milking.'

Dwight · Oscar:Oscar asks 'That's a cow?' Dwight: 'Did you just ask me if this was a cow?'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight teaches Oscar to milk a cow: 'Grab a teat with each hand.' / 'Okay, you suck at this. Gimme those teats.'

Dwight · Oscar:Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. / There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull, use some muscle. Draw the milk out. / Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy? / I don't know any of that. / Okay, you suck at this. Gimme those teats.

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight: 'Didn't your father teach you anything?' Oscar: 'I never met him.'

Dwight · Oscar:Dwight tells Oscar his kid needs farm time: 'If your kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that.' Oscar: 'All right, fine.'

Oscar:Just ignore her. Sooner or later, she'll finish.

Oscar:There is much more secret filming than I expected. But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am.

Oscar · Angela:They caught us kissing on Halloween. He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! God. Ow! Angela! Well, he kissed like Jack Kennedy. Oh. Stop it. Stop kissing him.

Oscar · Angela:I don't like giving him bad news. Call him! You call him! Call him! Call him! Stop hitting me! No!

Angela · Oscar:You've reached Senator Robert Lipton. Please leave a message. Honey. Go. No, go ahead. No, you go. Hi, honey. Hey, Robert. It's Angela and Oscar. Hey.

Angela · Oscar:Hi, honey. / Hey, Robert. / It's Angela and Oscar. Hey. / Just a few quick things. / The documentary's going to be airing soon, and you look great in the promos. You look so handsome. Very presidential. / Very much so. Absolutely. Yeah.

Oscar · Angela:Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay. Yes, and I cheated on you with Dwight. It looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it. I think that's it. I think we're good. Done. Okay. Bye. Love you.

Senator · Oscar · Kevin:Senator thanks Oscar Martinez — Oscar is also revealed to be with the Senator

Oscar:It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean.

Andy · Oscar:Carla Fern got me a gig. Hey. Yeah. Who's Carla Fern? Who is Carla Fern? Well... Wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sergeant. And one of my best friends.

Andy · Oscar:Andy announces his agent 'Carla Fern'; Oscar asks 'Who's Carla Fern?' — Andy is scandalized

Andy · Oscar:And, Oscar, I already figured out if I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just gonna think about you getting dumped by the Senator. / Why don't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you. / It's a little raw. Not cool, Oscar.

Oscar · Nellie:I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment...is just fine for me and Phillip and Tinkie and Crinklepuss and Bandit Two and Pawlick Baggins and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens.

Oscar · Angela:Oscar asks Angela 'Is everything okay?' Angela flatly replies: 'No. Everything is not okay.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela reveals: 'The county took my cats... Two sacks' worth. Apparently, my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela describes her downstairs neighbor as 'this uptight, judgmental shrew. You know the type.' Oscar, directly to camera, deadpans: 'I've never met anyone like that.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela says 'Without my cats, I am utterly and completely alone.' Oscar gently notes: 'Angela, you still have your son.' Angela replies: 'I guess.'

Oscar · Andy:Oscar suggests Andy stay and embrace 'Death of a Salesman.' Andy: 'I don't think so.' Oscar: 'Sure, Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. It's a great play about crushed dreams.' Andy: 'No, this one was written by SpongeBob SquarePants.'

Kevin · Oscar:After Andy's performance, Kevin and Oscar debate his potential: Kevin: 'He's not terrible. Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time, like Lil' Romeo.' Oscar: 'No, he's good.' Kevin: 'He was good.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin and Oscar goodnight exchange — 'Good night, Kevin.' 'Night, Oscar.' — a quiet, warm beat that plays as comedy through its mundane sweetness after the emotional Andy sequence.

Oscar · Angela:Oscar finds Angela looking at tents in a catalog. 'Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar.' Angela: 'Well, I've changed my mind.' Oscar: 'Wait a minute, Angela. You're not thinking of living in a tent...' Angela: 'God, would you just mind your own business?'

Oscar · Angela:Oscar invites Angela to stay with him. Angela: 'Separate bathrooms.' Then a long beat. Angela: 'Thank you.'

Oscar · Angela:Oscar asks if he's allowed to have pets. 'Oh, Angela.' — the implication being that this is obviously going to cause trouble.

Oscar · Angela:Oscar: 'Are you allowed to have pets?' [beat] Angela's expression. Oscar: 'Oh, Angela.'

Oscar · Angela:Angela moves into Oscar's apartment. Oscar: 'So is your place all bachelor, slobby and gross?' Oscar: 'Nope, it's neat and tastefully appointed, like most gay men's homes. The stereotype holds up.' Angela: 'I wouldn't know. I never lived with a gay guy.' [beat] Oscar: 'Angela, you just were...' [Long pause. Angela realizes.]

Angela · Oscar:Angela, after a long pause, quietly: 'I love him.' Oscar: 'I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on.' Angela: 'No, not the Senator. I love Dwight.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet.'

Oscar · Angela:Oscar sends Phillip off with 'Go get 'em, honey.' Angela responds 'Oh, don't worry. They'll get got.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'Over the course of this documentary, I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble. My wife did it.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin confessional: 'When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.' — then Oscar adding the Kevin bit

Oscar:Oscar's goodbye to Angela: 'She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up.'

Oscar:Waazzuup!

Meredith · Jakey · Dwight · Jim · Oscar:Meredith's son arriving as the bachelor party stripper

Oscar:Ooh. Yes. Uh, they left together a little while ago. Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby so they can start a new life together.

Kevin · Oscar:Oscar? Oscar? / I think I'm gay. / Why do you say that? / It's just that I'm so emotional. / You're not gay. You're not gay.