Basketball

Michael:I'm like the LeBron James of Dunder Mifflin. I've got handles, I've got court vision, I've got the killer instinct.

Michael:Back in high school, I was this close to getting recruited. This close. And then I blew out my knee senior year, and that was basically it for my basketball career.

Michael:But if I had stuck with it? I'd probably be in the NBA right now. Easy.

Michael:Dwight, I'm not going to promote you. But I want you to know that you're like a beet.

Dwight:A beet?

Michael:Yeah. You're deep red, you're earthy, and you grow in the ground. And that's beautiful. But you're still just a beet.

Dwight:I should be called Regional Manager in Training, or better yet, Assistant Regional Manager.

Michael:No.

Dwight:But Michael, I've been here the longest and I have the most experience—

Michael:Dwight, you're the Assistant to the Regional Manager. That's your title. That's what it is.

Dwight:But... okay. Okay, fine. I'll be the Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Jim:So Dwight's in charge of the weekend schedule now. It's like giving a child a gun.

Pam:Please don't make me work late tonight, Dwight. I could really use a break.

Dwight:Well, maybe if you gave me a little something extra, I could let you leave early.

Pam:Oh! I... I mean, no, that's... I didn't mean... I'm not... Look, I'll just stay late.

Michael:I've been in this office for twelve years. I've earned the right to make jokes like that.

Jim:No, you really haven't.

Michael:Darryl, I want you to meet Ryan. Ryan, this is Darryl, he works in the warehouse.

Ryan:Hey Darryl, nice to meet you.

Michael:You know, Darryl, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you be my neighbor? And Ryan, you're going to be working with Darryl, so you two need to get along. I don't want any miter between you guys.

Michael:Okay, so my real name is Michael Gary Scott. Michael is what my parents named me. Gary is my middle name, which I hate. So I go by Michael. But my friends, my real friends, they call me by a different name.

Darryl:What name?

Michael:That's classified. But let's just say it starts with an M and ends with a K, and it has about 15 letters in between.

Darryl:Michael, that doesn't make any sense.

Michael:Exactly.

Roy:Yeah, that's not happening.

Jim:So Pam called me today about her car warranty.

Jim:And I'm thinking, okay, it's just another robocall, right? But then she starts going on and on about how nobody ever calls her anymore unless it's to sell her something.

Jim:And I realize... the warranty company was literally the most human interaction she'd had all week.

Michael:Oh, they're busy at one o'clock? Well, I guess that's when all the hard work happens. The other seven hours must just be for... what, exactly? Looking busy?

Michael:What? Why is everyone so quiet? Did I say something wrong?

Warehouse Worker:You just insulted us.

Michael:Oh come on, you guys are so sensitive! You can't take a joke?

Michael:You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Wayne Gretzky. Michael Scott.

Dwight:That's not a Lord of the Rings reference.

Michael:Well, you would know, Dwight. You're the one who reads all those fantasy books.

Michael:Nerd? Please. I'm very cool. I game all the time. I'm basically a gamer guy.

Michael:I was just camping at spawn point earlier today. Very chill.

Dwight:That's not even... you're not using that right.

Michael:Whatever, dude. You're just mad because I pwned you at life.

Michael:Stanley, you're on my team.

Stanley:Why? Because I'm black?

Michael:What? No! Because you're tall.

Stanley:I'm 5'9".

Stanley:Did you just say 'of course' like I'm supposed to know what you're talking about?

Michael:No, I didn't say that. You're mishearing me. I said 'oh, horse' because I was thinking about a horse.

Stanley:You were thinking about a horse.

Michael:Yes. A beautiful horse. Very distracting.

Ryan:Why are we even doing this?

Michael:Because, Ryan, it builds character. And also, I'm pretty sure it's in the employee handbook. Chapter 12. 'Fun is mandatory.'

Ryan:That's not a real chapter.

Michael:It is now.

Toby:I could help with the basketball game if you need me to.

Michael:No. No, Toby. Please no.

Michael:If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Dwight:Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica.

Meredith:I volunteer as tribute. Last time I volunteered for something, it was a medical study. Turns out I'm immune to herpes.

Michael:Okay, why would you tell us that? Why would you ever tell us that?

Michael:Jim, you're in charge of the schedules now. This is a military-style assessment of a minor office power play.

Jim:Michael, that's not how the military works.

Michael:Exactly. That's why we're doing it.

Michael:Pam, I need you to be a cheerleader for the office.

Pam:Michael, that's completely inappropriate.

Michael:It's not inappropriate, it's fun! Come on, just try on the costume.

Pam:No. Absolutely not.

Michael:You know what, Pam? You'd actually be useful for once.

Michael:Oscar, that's great that you're volunteering as a cheerleader.

Oscar:I'm not volunteering as a cheerleader. I'm volunteering at the animal shelter.

Michael:Oh! Well, that's... that's still great. You know, animals need love too.

Oscar:Yes, Michael, I'm aware.

Michael:And hey, if you ever want to dress up in one of those little outfits, you know, for the animals... I'm not judging.

Oscar:That's what she said.

Dwight:An alternate? I'm not an alternate. I'm a starter. I've always been a starter.

Jim:Dwight, you're an alternate.

Dwight:As it is written in the book of Dwight: 'The weak shall perish, and their names shall be forgotten.' And the alternates shall be cast into the pit of despair.

Michael:That was pathetic. My grandmother could throw better than that, and she's been dead for five years.

Roy:Oh yeah? Well your grandmother could still beat you at basketball.

Roy:So Michael, I'm betting you dinner that the Scranton branch will have the highest sales numbers this quarter.

Michael:Roy, Roy, Roy. You think small. I'm not betting dinner. If we don't have the highest numbers, I'll give every employee in this branch a week of unpaid leave.

Roy:That's... that affects your employees, not you.

Michael:Exactly. That's how confident I am.

Roy:Working isn't fun.

Jim:Wish me luck.

Pam:Good luck.

Jim:Thanks.

Roy:Hey, I'm taking Pam out this weekend.

Jim:Oh really? Where?

Roy:I don't know yet, but it's gonna be special.

Pam:Roy's taking me to this lake house this weekend. He's really excited about it.

Jim:Oh, that's nice. Hey, you know what? I was thinking maybe you'd want to go check out the new outlet mall with me instead. It just opened up about 45 minutes away.

Pam:Jim, Roy's planning this whole thing with wave runners and—

Jim:Yeah, but they have a food court. A really nice one. And I'm pretty competitive about outlet malls.

Jim:Hey Pam, you want to go to the outlet mall this weekend?

Pam:Um... sure.

Roy:Pam, I was thinking we could go to the lake instead.

Pam:Oh. Well... I guess the outlet mall is fine.

Michael:I'm going to say this once and only once. May the best team win. And if you don't win, I'm going to kill you.

Michael:Kidding. I'm not going to kill you. But I will remember this.

Michael:Everyone, stretch with me.

Ryan:I'm already stretched.

Michael:Okay, we need to assign defensive matchups. Dwight, you're on Jim. Stanley, you're on Pam. And Kevin, you're on... that warehouse guy with the thing.

Kevin:What thing?

Michael:You know, the thing. The... the sexual thing.

Dwight:We should do shirts versus skins.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dwight, no. No.

Dwight:What? It's a classic way to divide teams.

Michael:I know what it is, but this is a workplace. We can't have people taking their shirts off.

Roy:You better make that shot, or you're sleeping on the couch.

Michael:I usually make these shots.

Michael:When you're in the zone, you don't think about it. You just do it. It's like your body takes over and your mind just... shuts off.

Michael:I'm in the zone right now.

Michael:When you're in the zone, you forget everything else. You forget where you are, who you are, what your job is...

Michael:Oh right, I'm supposed to fire half of you.

Michael:That's what I'm talking about! I'm doing the Dougie!

Michael:You know, sports are a lot like life. It's about teamwork, strategy, and knowing when to... when to push forward and when to hold back. Like in basketball, right? You've got your point guard, your shooting guard, your forwards... it's all about the flow of the game. And that's what business is. It's a game. A beautiful game. And I'm like the coach, except everyone respects me AND likes me, which is rare. Because most coaches are just yelling all the time. But I prefer to lead by example. I once threw a football across the office, and it was a perfect spiral. That's leadership.

Michael:Okay people, listen up. I know we're down, but that doesn't mean we give up. You know what we need? We need to dig deep, find our inner strength, and remember that we're all winners here. Well, except the women—statistically they're just not as competitive. But that's okay! That's what makes you special. You bring a certain... softness to the office. And that's beautiful. Now come on, let's get out there and show this other team what we're made of. And by 'we,' I mean the men. The women can just... support us from the sidelines. That's what you do best anyway, right?

Michael:On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it hurt?

Michael:Because I'm trying to figure out if this is a 'go to the hospital' situation or a 'walk it off' situation.

Michael:That is a foul! That is a flagrant foul! I saw it! Everyone saw it!

Michael:You know what? I'm done. I'm taking my talents to South Beach.

Michael:Okay, listen up. This Saturday, you better show up, or I'm gonna... I'm gonna make sure that you regret the day you ever crossed Michael Gary Scott. And that's not a threat, that's a promise. A promise of consequences. Serious consequences.

Michael:Your job, your dignity, your... your ability to park in the good spots — all of it's on the line here.

Michael:I was just kidding! Saturday is optional. You don't have to come in.

Michael:You dogs! You fell for it!

Michael:Just kidding! You do have to come in Saturday.

Michael:You know who you look like? Larry Bird.

Roy:I'm not Larry Bird.

Michael:I just want everyone to know that I'm a good guy. I care about this company and all of you.

Michael:Corporate doesn't appreciate us, and frankly, I'm tired of playing by their rules.

Michael:From now on, we do things MY way. No more kissing up to David Wallace.

Michael:Everyone, you can take the rest of the day off!

Stanley:Yeah, that's not a day off. That's a layoff. They're just not telling us yet.

Michael:You know, sports teach you so much about life. Teamwork, perseverance, character. That's what it's all about.

Michael:When I was in high school, I was the star of the basketball team. We won the championship my senior year.

Michael:And you know what? I didn't care about winning. I cared about being a good person and bringing out the best in my teammates.

Michael:That's the real victory right there.