Jury Duty

Darryl:Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying 'Hey, we're uptight. You can't dance.' And then, you have to be like 'Oh, yeah, Mayor Stress? Well, watch this.' And then, we dance. Oh, how we dance.

Darryl:Sex also works

Andy:Tuna wrap. Okay. Hand roll.

Dwight:They'd let someone like you serve on a jury? Makes me question the whole judicial system.

Dwight · Jim:Did you send him to the slammer? / Not guilty. / Of course you found him not guilty. (Mocking) 'He apologized and I just really want him to like me.'

Jim · Dwight:We're best friends actually. We're going wine tasting next weekend if you want to come. / Not coming. Have plans.

Jim:Jim's talking-head confessing he took extra days off — 'And then three other days happened'

Kevin · Oscar:Is it black? Because that would be hilarious. / Why? / You know.

Oscar · Kevin:Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby? / A little bit. Yeah. Right, guys? Back me up.

Unnamed coworker / background character:Maybe a little bit.

Kevin · Oscar:Oh. Did I win the pool? / Uh, no. Right month, wrong year.

Kevin:Yeah, Oscar's the dad. I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.

Dwight:It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.

Andy · Jim:Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets? / It was actually a pretty boring case. / How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.

Darryl:Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until 6:00 twice to cover for you. / My wife got to the TV first. I had to sit through damn Rizzoli & damn Isles.

Phyllis:My car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'The least I could do was give them a good story.' [Cut to Jim acting out the hit-and-run with a double backflip explanation]

Toby:You know, when I was on J-duties on a strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from Ernesto's.

Jim · Toby · Andy:Oh man, Ernesto's! That was our favorite restaurant too. / You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck. / Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.

Andy:I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere.

Andy · Gabe:Gabe, bring it in. How many of you have seen a premature baby before? It's going to be really tiny so please don't say anything offensive. Got that, bimbo? / Got it, bimbo.

Kevin · Oscar:Philip is so fat. / Kevin! / You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. You didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.

Oscar · Kevin:Yes, he's substantial. Hey. / He's more than substantial. He's a monster.

Dwight · Jim:(Laughing) Busted, Halpert! Yes! / Wait. No.

Dwight:You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.

Dwight:Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!

Andy · Dwight:Andy force-feeding Dwight a chill pill / 'Down the hatch, good. Now, chill.' / Dwight reluctantly swallowing it.

Dwight · Andy:But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty — you would have to fire him, right? / Yeah, sure. Of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu.

Andy:You ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up? No. / You know why you never heard of it? / Covered it up.

Andy:They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps. / My nickname was actually King Butt because I had a king-sized butt.

Toby · Ernesto:The food truck arrives — 'Hola, Toby!' / Toby gagging.

Jim · Toby:Jim: 'Hey, this guy look familiar?' / 'It's the empanada guy!' / 'Holy [bleep]. Damn it, Toby. No, I wasn't asking you.'

Jim:He remembers Toby — the most forgettable man in the known world.

Jim:He doesn't want any trouble. He sees lots of people. They come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.

Andy:Usually I'm a burrito guy but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.

Jim:Hey, Murder, She Wrote, how about we drop the whole Murder, She Wrote thing, okay?

Andy · Dwight · Jim:Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there. / Why? / Because my car broke down.

Dwight:Wait — you live by the courthouse. You drove from near the courthouse out to Jim's house and then back to the courthouse? Thirty minutes out, 30 minutes back — easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tooshy scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning.

Andy:I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?

Andy:I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your [bleep].

Kevin · Angela:I'm going to call him Little Kevin. / No, you will not. / Is he really five pounds? Because I squat with five pounds. (Grunts) This feels like more than that. / He's nine pounds seven ounces.

Kevin · Angela:Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. / You know what? I was under so many drugs — a James Taylor concert or something.

Angela:Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park.

Oscar · Angela:Preemie pajamas. / I think he came early just so he could wear these.

Dwight:Call of Duty. This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow.

Jim:Jim's confession to the office: 'I kind of, well maybe took the week off.' [beat] / What? / Funny? No? Nobody laughed.

Dwight:You're screwed! / Oh! It's happening! It's really happening!

Dwight:You're screwed. Oh! It's happening. It's really happening.

Dwight · Andy:And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse. / Uh, I did. Every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.

Dwight:Allow me to give you a hand. Here we are. So long, clump mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought this was how it was going to end. I was going to defeat you somehow, but you've defeated yourself.

Dwight:Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple urgent. Call me immediately. That means ASAP. I'm going to find Gabe, tell him what Jim did, and let the little stickler do what he does best — stickle.

Oscar · Angela:Honestly, I can return this for a larger size. / It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.

Kevin:The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.

Kevin · Angela:Little Kevin. / Really? / Angela. / Fine. God.

Angela:Philip was conceived nine months ago. The Senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor, and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata.

Oscar · Angela:Chicken marsala. / Right.

Dwight:Why? I know what Angela and the Senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.

Dwight · unnamed coworker / Gabe:Angela got pregnant before the wedding. / What? / She got pregnant before the wedding. / How long before? / A month. / [beat] You didn't hear it from me. / Yes, I did.

Dwight:Well, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It's not worth it.

Angela · Kevin:He's hungry. / Oh, that's my cue to leave. / No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover. / Still.

Jim:Yes, I am bringing my kids in to help me get out of this hole.

Pam · Jim:Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here. / Whoa, whoa, whoa. Game face, baby. Game face. / Oh, right. Okay.

Pam · Jim:Hi, Stanley. / No, that's overdoing it. I think. / Hi, Stanley. Split the difference.

Meredith:He's licking on my finger just like my cat does.

Pam:Yes. Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play.

Andy · Phyllis:Uncle Andy. / Oh. / Aunt Phyllis. / Wow.

Cece · Jim:Cece, did you do these? / No. / She says no to everything. You know, she thinks my name is 'No.'

Jim · Cece:Cece, do you want some broccoli? / Yes. / No. / It's crazy.

Jim · Cece:Cece, do you want some broccoli? / Yes. / No.

Cece / Andy:Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?

Andy:There is crosshatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a 2-year-old.

Kelly · Cece:Did you color this pretty picture? / No. / So then this means nothing to you?

Andy · Jim:Hey, Cece — why don't you draw another picture for us exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style? / You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command. That's very weird. Just take that. Thank you.

Dwight:Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.

Angela · Dwight:Every baby looks just like you. / Your face kind of looks like a baby.

Dwight:You said that Robert was not fulfilling you. And I said that I could fulfill you. And you said 'I'd like to see you try.' And then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.

Dwight · Angela:And then I inserted my penis into your... / No! Stop it! Dwight. / ...vagina and— / And even if it did, it's just a coincidence.

Dwight:Nurse! You know that baby in there — Baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.

Dwight:Nurse! You know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.

Nurse · Dwight:Who are you? / [Dwight's stunned pause] / We're going to circumcise him. / (Wailing)

Phyllis:Last week, Jim at home — that was no vacation.

Dwight:Dwight smoking in the hospital, told he can't smoke inside, casually complying. 'The office looks different now. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger.'

Dwight:Jim? Oh, right. No, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?