Jury Duty

Andy:You know, dealing with stress is like... it's like you're in a dark forest, right? And stress is this big monster coming at you, and you gotta look it in the eye and say, 'Not today, buddy.' And then you just start dancing. You just dance it away.

Andy:You know, stress is like a dance. You have to find your rhythm, move with it, let it flow through you.

Andy:Also, I'm being audited.

Andy:Welcome back, big tuna! How was jury duty?

Jim:It was fine, actually pretty interesting.

Andy:That's awesome! We missed you so much around here. The office just wasn't the same without you, Tuna. Everything okay?

Andy:You know what? I'm going to take this fish metaphor even further. From now on, I'm calling you Swordfish - because you're sharp, you're intimidating, and frankly, nobody wants to be around you. Or wait, no - Flounder. Because you're flat, you're boring, and you're always on the bottom. Actually, you know what? I'm going to call you Anchovies, because everybody hates you and you ruin everything.

Andy:See? I can do this all day. Jellyfish - you're spineless. Seahorse - you're basically useless. Anglerfish - you're ugly and you live in the dark, which is perfect because nobody wants to look at you anyway.

Andy:Wait, you served on a jury? Jim, that's incredible. That's like... that's like being a superhero, but for the justice system.

Andy:How many criminals did you put away? Did you get to wear a special jury outfit? Please tell me there was a special jury outfit.

Andy:This changes everything. I can't even look at you the same way now. You're basically Judge Judy.

Andy:Oh no, he was found not guilty? That's so sad. I'm sure he's really upset about getting away with murder.

Andy:You're too sympathetic to the defendant, Jim.

Jim:Well, he had a rough childhood. His mother never hugged him.

Andy:It's a mock trial, Jim.

Jim:And now he'll never know love. We've all failed him.

Jim:I was just gonna take a couple extra days to help Pam get settled, but then I realized I could just... keep doing it. So I did.

Oscar:Actually, that's not even historically accurate. If you're going to say something offensive, at least get your facts right.

Kevin:Did I win the baby pool?

Oscar:No, Kevin. The timing is way off. The baby isn't due for another three months.

Kevin:Okay, so accounting is like a family. You got your assets, your liabilities, and your equity. Assets are like the parents because they support everything. Liabilities are like the kids because they take money away. And equity is like the grandparents because nobody really understands what they do, but they're important.

Creed:Newborns are disgusting. I've never understood the appeal. All that screaming and leaking fluids... reminds me of my first wife.

Stanley:Jim's been gone all week and now I have to do his job AND mine. You know what that means? I have to watch those procedural shows he leaves on in the break room. CSI, NCIS, Law and Order... I don't even know what's happening anymore. Last week I thought a guy was a murderer for twenty minutes, turned out he was just the guy who makes the donuts.

Toby:I was on a jury once. We had to recreate the murder with food. It was very educational.

Toby:Actually, I think you'll find that Ernesto's closed down three years ago due to multiple health code violations.

Toby:Actually, it's a food cart, not a food truck.

Michael:Nobody cares, Toby. Literally nobody cares what you have to say.

Gabe:You're being a real bimbo about this baby protocol.

Oscar:Yeah, well, you know what? I am a bimbo. I'm a bimbo and I'm proud.

Kevin:That baby came out early.

Kevin:Well, nobody told me I had to be ready for a baby that was *too* early. What about a baby that's too late? I wasn't prepared for that either.

Kevin:That's not a baby, that's a substantial baby.

Kevin:Actually, that's a monster baby.

Dwight:You said the car was blue, but earlier you said it was green. Which is it?

Jim:I never said green.

Dwight:False. I have it written down right here.

Jim:Dwight, that's from a completely different conversation.

Dwight:Lies and slander. Your story has more holes than Swiss cheese.

Dwight:You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. And you have the right to trial by combat.

Jim:That's not a Miranda right.

Dwight:It is now.

Andy:Dwight, you need to take a chill pill.

Dwight:Where?

Dwight:I have some pills in my desk. I'm taking one now.

Dwight:I am now taking a chill pill. I am very calm. Very relaxed.

Dwight:Now, where were we? Ah yes, I was investigating a serious breach of warehouse protocol. I will now continue this investigation, but in a much more composed manner.

Jim:I lied about jury duty so I could stay home and work.

Andy:Wow. I've never been lied to before in my entire life.

Jim:Really?

Andy:Well, not to my face.

Andy:Your secret is safe with me. I'm like a pharaoh - I keep everything in tombs.

Jim:Did you just... did you really just make a pun about tombs and secrets?

Andy:What? It's funny. I'm dead serious. Actually, I'm very much alive, which is why I can keep your secret. Unlike a pharaoh.

Andy:In high school, they called me King Tut because I was so mysterious and hard to read.

Andy:Actually, no, that's not true. They called me King Tut because I wore a lot of gold jewelry and I was overweight.

Toby:Wait, is that... Ernesto?

Jim:Yeah, that's Ernesto.

Dwight:The fact that Toby is the only one Ernesto remembers is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. It proves that evil is immortal.

Andy:Wow, these empanadas are amazing. Where did you get these?

Andy:You know what? Don't tell anyone I like these. I have a reputation to maintain.

Andy:If people find out I'm into empanadas, they're going to think I'm weird.

Andy:This is just between us, okay? This is our little secret.

Dwight:So you're telling me you were at the beach that entire time?

Jim:Yeah, Dwight. I was at the beach.

Dwight:Hmm. And you expect me to believe that?

Jim:Dwight, you're like Lieutenant Colombo right now. Except, you know, without the intelligence or the trench coat.

Andy:I drove Jim to the courthouse.

Dwight:That doesn't make sense. Jim's car is parked outside.

Andy:Well, I... he asked me to.

Dwight:You're lying. And you're bad at it.

Andy:Dwight, I drove Jim to court. I watched him the whole way.

Dwight:That's not what I heard.

Andy:Well, I did. I watched him very carefully. Very closely. Intensely.

Andy:I'm like Cinderella, except my fairy godmother is Jim, and instead of turning my pumpkin into a carriage, he's turning my credibility into a pumpkin.

Kevin:You know what? This baby's got my eyes. I think you should name him Kevin.

Angela:Absolutely not.

Kevin:Come on, there's nothing wrong with a third Kevin.

Kevin:Okay, let me feel the weight here. Hmm, yeah, this feels like about... 8 pounds.

Kevin:Yeah, that's about how much I can lift with one arm after my workout routine.

Angela:The baby weighs 8 pounds, 3 ounces.

Angela:That's about the same weight as a James Taylor concert ticket from 1987.

Pam:I brought some pajamas for the baby! They're size newborn.

Angela:Well, I'm sure the baby will grow into them. Or perhaps he timed his birth for when they'd fit perfectly.

Oscar:Okay, so Angela's cat died, but then it came back. She's been acting weird. And she's been spending a lot of time with Dwight.

Oscar:Wait, wait, wait. What if she's not actually Angela? What if she's been replaced by an alien? That would explain the behavior changes.

Oscar:Or maybe Dwight cloned her. He has the resources. He has the motivation.

Oscar:Unless... unless she's always been a robot. A very advanced robot designed to look human.

Oscar:I need to sit down. I need to make a chart. I need someone to get me a whiteboard and some red string.

Jim:So I told them I had a conflict of interest, but I actually just wanted to get out of it.

Jim:...

Jim:Yeah, no one's laughing.

Dwight:Jim. I heard the news. Corporate is letting you go. I want you to know that I will remember you not as a salesman, but as a friend. A friend I competed against ruthlessly and openly mocked. But a friend nonetheless. I've prepared a farewell gift.

Dwight:It's a photograph. Of us. Together. I had it printed on a plaque. I will mount it on my wall, right next to my other plaques. Your desk will remain empty as a memorial to your failures.

Dwight:What?! You're not firing him? But he directly insubordinated you!

Andy:No, Dwight, I'm just giving him a warning.

Dwight:A warning? That's it? I was really hoping this would turn into a whole thing.

Kevin:Maybe the baby isn't premature. Maybe Pam's been eating for two the whole time, and now she's just... eaten the baby.

Angela:I know what you're all thinking. Yes, the timeline doesn't make sense. Yes, I know exactly when this happened.

Angela:It was Thor. The new Thor movie came out, and I went with the girls. I had wine. A lot of wine.

Angela:Then we went to that new Italian place downtown. The pasta was incredible. I had three glasses of wine with dinner.

Angela:So yes, technically this baby is the result of Marvel Studios and carbohydrates.

Dwight:I don't need to see the baby. I already know what it looks like. Half of Jim's face, half of Pam's face. I've run the calculations.

Dwight:What a beautiful baby. I can already see the strength in his eyes. He will be a formidable warrior. He will crush his enemies and see them driven before him. He will hear the lamentations of their women.

Dwight:The baby could be mine. I mean, statistically speaking, with Schrute genetics, there's a very good chance. And Mose... Mose is still a virgin, so it's not his.

Jim:Yeah, I'm basically just using the kids as sympathy props at this point.

Jim:Okay, so when Stanley comes in, I want you to look really upset. Not too upset, just the right amount of upset.

Pam:How do I know what the right amount is?

Jim:Well, you're gonna take it down about 20%, but then bring it back up 10%.

Pam:So... 10% upset?

Jim:No, no, no. 15%. It's a range.

Jim:Wait, Cece wanted to bring treats to thank everyone?

Pam:Yeah, she was supposed to bring cupcakes or something.

Jim:Oh no.

Pam:What?

Jim:We told her we'd help her pick them out.

Pam:Jim... did we actually buy anything?

Jim:I thought you were going to do that.

Pam:I thought YOU were going to do that!

Jim:She's at that age where if you ask her if she did something, she's just gonna say no. Even if you literally watched her do it.

Andy:What is this? Why do I have such a big head?

Cece:Because you're smart.

Andy:Oh. Okay.

Dwight:Angela and I were intimate on multiple occasions. I have detailed notes documenting each encounter, including date, time, duration, and specific biological responses.

Angela:Dwight, stop! That's not—

Dwight:I've also created a spreadsheet with performance metrics and compatibility analyses. The data clearly supports my position.

Angela:Nobody needs to hear this!

Dwight:Furthermore, I have photographs, videos, and audio recordings as evidence.

Dwight:This is my son. I have decided. The baby is a Schrute now.

Dwight:I'm going to need to examine him. Pam, step aside. I've been taking online medical courses.

Dwight:The umbilical cord — still attached. Unacceptable. I'll need scissors. Surgical scissors.

Pam:Dwight, no!

Dwight:I am a trained medical professional now. Stand down.

Dwight:I'm letting you off the hook this time, Jim. When you have a son, you'll understand. You do things you never thought you'd do. You make sacrifices. You become a man.