Special Project

Andy:I'm gonna mime punching you right now.

Pam:What? Why?

Andy:Because you just gave birth, Pam!

Andy:Are you glad to be back?

Pam:Yeah, I mean... not really. I would've preferred to stay on maternity leave for like five more years.

Pam:I could have used more time off.

Jim:Yeah, well, you got three months. I got two weeks.

Pam:Exactly. That's the problem. You got two weeks and I got three months, and somehow that's supposed to be equal?

Pam:I'm so excited for my maternity leave. Three months of doing absolutely nothing.

Jim:Pam, you're going to be taking care of a newborn.

Pam:Right, so basically nothing.

Angela:Excuse me, has anyone seen my new cat? It's a purebred Devon Rex. Very rare. I've been meaning to show everyone.

Angela:Also, I reorganized the entire filing system. By breed. I mean, by file type.

Angela:And I've been nominated for the Church's Volunteer of the Year award. Again.

Dwight:Angela, you're back from maternity leave already? That's only been two weeks.

Angela:Yes, well, I had to come back. I have responsibilities here.

Dwight:Of course. And the baby? Where is the baby?

Angela:He's at home with a nanny.

Dwight:A nanny? Angela, that baby is office property now. He should be here, in his crib, under my desk where I can monitor his development and ensure he's being raised with proper discipline and beet farming knowledge.

Angela:I'm back early from maternity leave because I believe in hard work and dedication to this office. Most women take the full twelve weeks, but I think that's excessive and frankly, indulgent.

Angela:Thank you! Though I have to say, I've been feeling a bit like a rhinoceros lately.

Angela:I made these brownies, would anyone like one?

Kevin:Oh yeah, I'll take one.

Angela:Wait, Kevin, don't you have a nut allergy?

Kevin:Yeah, so?

Angela:So these have walnuts in them!

Kevin:I'll be fine.

Jim:Kevin, you were in the hospital for three days last time.

Kevin:I'm allergic to walnuts, but these brownies look too good. I'm gonna fight through it.

Kevin:*eats brownie* Yeah, I can feel my throat closing up, but it's worth it.

Pam:Oh, I totally get mommy brain. It's so real.

Pam:Wait, what is mommy brain?

Pam:When did you find time to bake?

Angela:I didn't. I feed the babies until they pass out.

Unknown:These brownies are amazing, Angela. Best thing I've ever tasted.

Angela:Thank you! I'm so glad you're enjoying them.

Unknown:Yeah, I'm gonna have to hit the gym hard after this. Gotta watch my weight.

Dwight:Your baked goods are wonderful, Angela.

Kevin:Yeah, maybe next time you could just give us money instead?

Angela:Excuse me? I spent hours on these. Money? That's insulting.

Kevin:I'm just saying... money is more practical.

Angela:Get out.

Andy:Dwight, I have some exciting news for you.

Dwight:Is it about beets? Please tell me it's about beets.

Andy:Better. I'm throwing a party this weekend, and I want you to be my date.

Dwight:A date? This is a dark day for Schrute Farms. My ancestors are weeping.

Andy:Come on, Dwight. It'll be fun. Plus, you look really good in that shirt.

Dwight:You're trying to seduce me into abandonment of my principles. It won't work. It absolutely will work.

Andy:Dwight got a promotion

Dwight:I'm tired of being pranked with fake promotions

Dwight:I'm going to Tallahassee. Assistant Regional Manager. Finally, my talents are being recognized at the corporate level.

Dwight:This calls for a celebration of the highest order.

Dwight:FACT: Tallahassee is the capital of Florida. FACT: I will be the most powerful man in that office. FALSE FACT: Anyone else could do this job as well as I can.

Dwight:I'm going to call everyone I know. I'm going to have them send fruit baskets. I'm going to have a parade. In my honor. That I organize myself.

Dwight:I'm going to wear a tuxedo for the next three months. Every day. I'm going to change my ringtone to the sound of applause. I'm going to refer to myself in the third person. 'Dwight Schrute has arrived.'

Dwight:This is the greatest moment of my life and I will celebrate it until the day I die, or until someone achieves something greater than me, whichever comes first.

Dwight:I have achieved the perfect balance of power, respect, and productivity. I call it 'Herrschaftsflügelkeit' — a German word meaning the simultaneous mastery of all things while remaining completely unaware of how ridiculous you sound.

Dwight:Perfektenschlag. It's a German word meaning the perfect moment of accomplishment.

Jim:Isn't that also German slang for... something else?

Dwight:I don't know what you're talking about.

Pam:It means to vomit on someone during sex.

Dwight:That is not— I was not aware of that definition.

Andy:Did you know that a seahorse is the only species where the male gets pregnant and carries the babies?

Andy:It's actually pretty beautiful when you think about it. The male seahorse is completely devoted to his offspring.

Andy:Anyway, did you know that dolphins are one of the few species that have sex for pleasure, not just reproduction?

Andy:They're very, very sexually active. Like, aggressively so.

Andy:Yeah, that was weird. I don't know why I know that.

Andy:Oh wow, we're both wearing pins!

Erin:I know, right? That's so crazy!

Andy:We're like, basically the same person.

Erin:Totally. Soulmates.

Andy:It was a gag gift. You know, a joke gift.

Andy:*gags and chokes* Why would you give me something that makes me gag?!

Erin:I just thought maybe things would be different between us.

Andy:Erin, I'm really happy with Jessica. Things are great!

Erin:Yeah... that's great, Andy.

Erin:I want to spend time with Andy, but not his girlfriend.

Darryl:So Val made me this beanie. I'm trying to figure out what it means.

Darryl:There's beanies that say 'I like you as a friend.' There's beanies that say 'I want to marry you and have your children.' And then there's beanies that are just like, 'I knitted this because I was bored.'

Darryl:This one? This one says 'I'm going to stab you in your sleep.'

Dwight:I'm taking a trip to Florida next month. You should come, Pam. I've already picked out a maternity swimsuit for you based on your pre-pregnancy measurements and projected weight gain trajectory.

Pam:Dwight, that's... that's really inappropriate.

Dwight:What? I was being helpful. I even cross-referenced it with the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists guidelines.

Dwight:You want to go to Florida? Fine. But you have to meet my criteria. First, you need to have a strong jaw structure. Second, you can't have eaten more than three sandwiches this week. And third, you must be willing to share a bed with me and not ask questions about my sleep apnea.

Darryl:That's a nice beanie, Val. Really suits you.

Val:Thanks, Darryl.

Darryl:Actually, no, it makes you look like a troll doll. But hey, at least you cover up that weird bumpy head of yours.

Val:What? That's not even true.

Darryl:Look, the real reason I like the beanie is because it reminds me of my scalp. Mine itches like crazy. I've had this thing my whole life. Some days I just wanna claw my head off.

Multiple warehouse workers wearing knit caps - Racially insensitive comparison to religious organization

Darryl:Nate, I got you something, but you gotta wait until your birthday to open it.

Nate:Okay, I can wait. When's my birthday?

Darryl:Three months.

Nate:Three months?! Darryl, I can't wait three months. I can't even wait three minutes.

Nate:This card... this card is beautiful. I'm going to frame this. The gloves are nice too, I guess, but this card... this is art.

Dwight:I need people who are tall enough to reach the top shelves, but not so tall that they intimidate the shorter employees. I also need at least one person who speaks fluent Mandarin, preferably someone whose birthday is in March, and they must own at least two cats. Non-negotiable.

Dwight:I don't want people who are late. I don't want people who are lazy. I don't want people who are stupid.

Dwight:I don't want people who are rude. I don't want people who are incompetent. I don't want people who are dishonest.

Dwight:And I don't want Cathy.

Cathy:What? Why not me?

Dwight:You're all of those things.

Jim:Should I use a period or an exclamation point? A period seems angry. An exclamation point seems too eager. What about a question mark? No, that's just confusing.

Dwight:I've been assigned some real deadweight on my team. They're like an arctic expedition - you need every member pulling their weight or the whole thing falls apart.

Dwight:I actually lost an arctic wolf once. Not lost - it escaped. I was training it to be a guard animal for the beet farm. Took me three weeks to track it down in the woods.

Jim:Okay, so if I say 'I can't make it,' that sounds like I don't want to go.

Pam:Right, but if you say 'I'm unable to attend,' it sounds like you have a legitimate conflict.

Jim:What about 'I have a prior engagement'?

Pam:That's good. That's very diplomatic.

Jim:Do you think I should add an emoji?

Pam:No. Emojis read as insincere.

Jim:What if I use the thinking face?

Pam:Jim, this is a text message to Michael, not a peace treaty.

Jim:Exactly. Which is why we need to be very careful.

Jim:Should I call her back or just text?

Pam:If you call her, she'll think you're breaking up with her.

Darryl:Hello?

Deep Voice:Yeah, hi, I'm trying to find the warehouse address for Dunder Mifflin.

Darryl:Who is this?

Deep Voice:I'm trying to send flowers to Val.

Darryl:Val? Why are you sending Val flowers?

Deep Voice:We went out last night and I really like her.

Darryl:What? I need a pen to write down an address. You got a problem with that? You think I can't write? You think I'm illiterate? I'll have you know I graduated high school. I got my GED. I can write better than most people in this office.

Meredith:You're going to Florida? What are you, retired?

Cathy:It's just a vacation.

Meredith:A vacation? Nobody here takes vacations. We have jobs. Or at least, some of us do.

Dwight:Look, I'm not saying Andy made the best choices. But he did go to Cornell. And that takes a certain... intelligence.

Dwight:Of course, he also thought a timeshare in Fort Lauderdale was a good investment, so...

Kevin:I deserve this Florida trip. I work hard. Even Batman needs a vacation.

Dwight:So after work I went to the beach, then I went parasailing, then I took a helicopter tour, then I went to this exclusive nightclub where I ran into Oprah, and we did karaoke together.

Oscar:Andy's dating criteria? It's like a scientific hypothesis that can be tested. 'If woman has red hair and likes the same bands as me, then she will date me.' Except the experiment keeps failing, so instead of changing the hypothesis, he just keeps running it again with different variables.

Andy:Hello? Oh hey! Konnichiwa!

Andy:What? No, that's how you say hello in Japanese. I've been taking lessons on my phone.

Andy:Well, it's a formal greeting. You're supposed to bow. I'm bowing right now.

Stanley:Why'd you pick Kevin over me?

Andy:Well, Stanley, Kevin's got that... you know, he's got that energy.

Stanley:Energy? Kevin can barely get out of his chair. You picked him because he brings you donuts.

Andy:That's not—

Stanley:Every single time. Donuts.

Angela:He is not a monster. He's a beautiful baby boy.

Dwight:An enormous monster baby.

Angela:He is not enormous!

Dwight:Angela, I've seen pictures. The baby is the size of a scrotum.

Andy:Guys, I think we should focus on the metrics here, guys.

Dwight:Andy, stop saying guys.

Andy:Right, sorry guys, I'll stop. Guys.

Pam:Andy...

Andy:Guys guys guys guys guys!

Jim:What is happening?

Andy:Guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys!

Michael:Andy! Stop it!

Andy:GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS!

Todd Packer:I should go to Florida. I'm tan, I like golf, and I have a boat.

Dwight:We should give people time to make their cases.

Andy:You're right, that's fair. How much time?

Dwight:I'd say... two hours.

Andy:Okay, two hours. That seems reasonable.

Dwight:Actually, make it one hour.

Andy:One hour, fine.

Dwight:Thirty minutes.

Andy:Okay...

Dwight:Ten minutes.

Andy:Alright.

Dwight:Five minutes.

Andy:Sure.

Dwight:Two minutes.

Andy:Fine.

Dwight:Thirty seconds.

Andy:You know what? Forget it. I give up.

Jim:Did you see what I texted to Robert?

Erin:No, what did you say?

Jim:I told him I couldn't go to Florida because of a prior commitment.

Erin:That's so smart!

Robert:Okay.

Dwight:I have more influence than you think. In fact, I single-handedly changed Thanksgiving traditions in this office.

Dwight:Much like Squanto, but for beet farming.

Ryan:We should all go to Florida together. You, me, Kelly...

Ryan:Actually, no. Just you and me.

Dwight:PowerPoint presentations are like a fart. Even the person who created it thinks it's terrible, but they're still proud of it.

Kevin:I should go to Florida because I've been making real progress in my gambling recovery. Last week, I only lost $200. The week before, I lost $500. That's progress.

Toby:You know, seasonal depression is a real thing. It affects millions of people every year.

Toby:I'm just grateful that someone finally acknowledges it as a legitimate condition.

Toby:We all experience the same weather. Rain falls on everyone equally. Snow falls on everyone equally.

Michael:That's not sad, that's just weather.

Stanley:I'm going to Florida, and I'm not coming back.

Stanley:Down in Florida, I'm a different man. I'm relaxed. I wear shorts to work. I take long lunches on the beach.

Stanley:His name is Sunshine Stanley, and he doesn't have a care in the world.

Erin:I need to go to Florida to clear my head.

Andy:Oh, that's a great idea! You know, Florida has a lot of really simple things to look at. Clouds, sand, water. Perfect for you.

Erin:Thanks, Andy!

Andy:You're welcome. I'm sure you'll have a great time just... existing there.

Jim:You could say Cece has a fake medical emergency.

Pam:Jim, that's terrible.

Jim:I know, but it would work.

Pam:My mom's been helping out with the baby, which is great, but she keeps trying to tell me how to do everything. And my dad—he's just... he's just sitting on the couch. But you know what? I'm actually really grateful they're here. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Andy:You want to go to Florida? No. No, no, no.

Andy:Absolutely not. I don't think so.

Andy:Jim, you cannot come to Florida with me.

Andy:This is non-negotiable. This is a hard no.

Andy:Florida is off limits. You're banned from Florida.

Jim:If you really wanted me to stay, you'd tell me to leave.

Jim:Dwight, you should definitely call corporate and complain about Michael.

Dwight:Reverse psychology. I'm not falling for it.

Jim:No, seriously. Do it.

Dwight:I'm calling corporate.

Andy:Wait, you're actually doing it?

Dwight:I need to film this for proof.

Dwight:Why won't the camera focus? This is infuriating!

Jim:Hey, uh, whoever I'm rooming with in Florida, I've been reading about water conservation, and I have some ideas. Pretty intimate ideas.

Dwight:AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Dwight:I've artificially recreated the Florida climate in here for training purposes. It's 89 degrees, 87% humidity, and I've hidden a grapefruit somewhere in this room.

Dwight:Listen up. I've been preparing for this moment my entire life. We are about to embark on a journey that will test every fiber of our being. We will face adversity. We will face hardship. We will face obstacles that seem insurmountable. But...

Dwight:Nope. That's it. No inspirational conclusion. You're on your own.

Dwight:When an employee wishes to resign, they ring this bell.

Jim:Wait, is that from Monopoly?

Dwight:Yes. But I have removed the thimble.

Dwight:I've created a controlled ecosystem in the break room. Temperature, humidity, nutrient levels—all optimized. I'm breeding them. Training them. Soon they'll be the most efficient mosquitoes in the tri-state area.

Jim:Why would you do that?

Dwight:For reconnaissance. A mosquito can go where humans cannot. Small. Expendable. By next quarter, I'll have an army of them reporting back to me.

Dwight:I was down there for three days. Three days! I was accosted by a man with a hook for a hand. He didn't want money. He didn't want my wallet. He wanted me to marry his grandmother.

Dwight:You think it's all fun and games, moving to Florida? I've seen things. Retirement communities where they don't have enough nurses. You'll be sitting in a waiting room for six hours with a blood clot, and nobody cares. They'll put you on a stretcher next to a guy named Earl who's been there since Tuesday.

Nate:I feel really bad that I didn't get you a gift, Darryl. So I made you this coupon book.

Darryl:Oh, that's nice.

Nate:Yeah, there's one for a free hug, one for a high five... and this one is for inappropriate physical contact.

Darryl:What does that mean?

Nate:I don't know, you can redeem it however you want.

Nate:It's called 'Couponage' – coupons plus patronage. You get discounts, and I'll follow you around to make sure you're using them correctly.

Nate:I'll know what you're buying. I'll know when you're buying it. I'll be in your bushes with binoculars making sure you're maximizing your savings.

Nate:My mom sent me flowers.

Darryl:Your mom? Man, your mom had a deep voice on the phone.

Darryl:Wait, hold up. Your name is Nate? That's a man's name.

Nate:Yeah, well, my parents wanted a boy.

Darryl:And they got one.

Darryl:Yeah, it's romantic. A beanie is romantic.

Michael Scott:Florida! Oh my God, I'm so excited! This is going to be amazing!

Michael Scott:You know what? That's it. I'm moving to Florida. Permanently. I'm done with Scranton. Florida is my home now.

Jim:What if we just had a coat check? You know, like they do at fancy restaurants?

Dwight:A coat check? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. We'd need to hire someone just to stand there and take coats.

Jim:Okay, or... we could just put up some hooks on the wall.

Erin:We need to differentiate ourselves from Apple stores.

Dwight:I have a vision for our store design.

Ryan:Think different.

Dwight:Pam: receptionist. Ryan: temp. Oscar: accountant. Angela: accountant. Kevin: accountant. Erin: my assistant. Creed: quality assurance. Phyllis: sales. Stanley: sales. Toby: human resources. Kelly: customer service. Jim...

Dwight:(long pause)

Dwight:I have been perfectly unhappy.

Jim:Erin, can you put my coat on my chair?

Erin:Oh my god, yes. Of course. I would do anything for you, Jim.

Erin:I think about you all the time. I have a scrapbook.

Jim:Erin, what? No. I just... I just need my coat on the chair.

Erin:I know where you live.

Jim:Okay, that's— that's weird. Please don't do that.

Erin:I'm going to miss you all so much. Three weeks is like... three weeks!

Jim:Yeah, that's... that's actually how long three weeks is.

Robert California:Jim went to Florida. Without Pam. You know what that means? Their marriage is over. I've been married three times. I know the signs.

Robert California:You know, Jim, Tallahassee is a very boring town. Very boring. The kind of place where a man might find himself... susceptible to certain temptations. I'm not saying you will cheat on Pam. I'm simply saying that the odds are not in your favor.