The List

Jim:Planking is stupid and dangerous.

Jim:I don't get it, but I'm excited to participate anyway.

Robert California:I didn't become manager. I talked the CEO out of her own job to become CEO myself.

Andy:Look, I know I was the second choice for manager, but that actually makes me better. Think about it - when you're second choice, you have something to prove. First choice guys get complacent. Second choice guys? We're hungry. We're lean. We're efficient.

Andy:Plus, statistically speaking, second choice is just first choice for the runner-up position. So really, I'm first at being second, which makes me second at being first. It's basically the same thing.

Andy:Okay, everyone, planking stops NOW. It's dangerous and it's stupid.

Kevin:Andy, I can't get up.

Andy:What do you mean you can't get up?

Kevin:I've been like this for twenty minutes. I think I'm stuck.

Dwight:I'm doing great. I've never been better. In fact, I've started a new workout regimen. I'm up at 4:30 in the morning, I run 5 miles, I do 200 push-ups, 200 sit-ups, 200 squats. Then I take a shower, I come to work.

Jim:That's... a lot.

Dwight:That's only the morning. After work, I go to the gym for another two hours, then I come home and do a thousand push-ups before bed.

Pam:Dwight, that's like 36 hours a day.

Dwight:I've also eliminated the need for sleep. I'm now only sleeping 2 hours a night.

Jim:So you're pregnant? That's great, but I guess you can't plank anymore.

Pam:No, I can't.

Jim:Well, we could always name the baby Michael Scott. You know, so it can plank for us.

Pam:Jim, no.

Kevin:We got two pregnant women in the office. I'm calling them 'Spacey' and 'Tracey.'

Angela:The Senator is having a baby. Pam is just... the Great Salesman is having a baby.

Stanley:You know, if you're gonna lift something heavy, you gotta bend at the knees, keep your back straight, and shove it up your butt.

Stanley:That's what she said.

Dwight:Planking is dangerous. Never plank alone. Always have a buddy. And if you do plank, make sure it's on a safe, soft surface. Not on me. I will hurt you.

Jim:It's like... you want him to notice you, but you don't want him to notice you. Like if Robert California walks by your desk, you're like 'Please see me, please see me, please see me.' And then the second he looks at you, you're like 'Oh God, why is he looking at me?'

Robert:When telling a story, you must establish the setting first. Paint a vivid picture. Make your audience see what you see.

Erin:Okay! So I was at the grocery store, and it was beige, and there were fluorescent lights, and I could smell produce, and the floor was linoleum, and—

Robert:Yes, well, perhaps with a bit more... concision.

Andy:Okay, so priorities. First item: weekend request. Second item: needs approval. Third item: major crisis.

Andy:So, Robert, did you know that a group of flamingos is called a flamboyance?

Robert:...No.

Andy:Yeah, it's pretty wild. Anyway, how about those supply costs?

Jim:We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. Just act normal.

Kevin:INCOMING! WATCH OUT! SHE'S COMING! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

Robert:Oh, congratulations. You found my private notebook. What an accomplishment. I'm sure your parents are very proud.

Dwight:Back in 2003, I made a list of people to kill in case of apocalypse. Let me see... Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica... No wait, that's not it.

Dwight:First: Jim. He's weak, he'd slow us down. Second: Pam, she'd cry and attract walkers. Third: Ryan, obvious reasons.

Dwight:But as I got older, I realized I'd need to be more practical. So I updated it: Jim - still first. Pam - still second. Kevin - actually, Kevin would be useful. Strong. Good work ethic.

Dwight:But by 2009, I had to accept hard truths. Supplies would be limited. So I ranked everyone by caloric value and how much they'd struggle.

Dwight:Stanley's at the top. Probably 4,000 calories easy. Plus, he doesn't move fast, so less of a chase.

Pam:The right side is important too!

Oscar:Oh please, that's just something people on the right side say.

Robert California:It's just a doodle. I doodle during meetings. Doodles are subconscious manifestations of one's inner thoughts and desires.

Robert California:Notice the repeating geometric patterns. That suggests a need for order and control. The occasional wild line breaking through? That's my id rebelling against the constraints of corporate structure.

Stanley:You know, the key to solving any puzzle is to take your time, think it through logically, consider all the possibilities...

Stanley:Or you could just shove it up your butt.

Andy:Okay everyone, let's break into groups for the comparison exercise.

Dwight:Attack!

Jim:No, no, stop!

Dwight:Attack!

Pam:Stop, Dwight, stop!

Andy:Guys, guys! Everyone just calm down!

Kevin:Are we attacking or stopping?

Dwight:ATTACK!

Jim:Stop him!

Erin:You guys! Don't be sad about the consolation pizza. Let me sing you a song!

Erin:🎵 You didn't win the thing, you came in last place, but look at all this cheese upon your face! You're losers, yes it's true, but pizza still loves you, even though you failed and let everyone down! 🎵

Robert:You know, Elmo represents the lowest common denominator of children's entertainment. He's a symbol of how we've dumbed down society.

Others:Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Totally.

Jim:Well, Elmo is actually a Sesame Street character, so technically he represents a pretty high standard of children's education.

Kevin:Elmo's always tickling people. If you know what I mean.

Toby:I'm going to go...

Toby:Yeah.

Erin:It is a party! We're all here together, eating pizza!

Oscar:A party requires music, dancing, and social interaction beyond work obligation. This is just... eating in the break room.

Erin:But there's pizza!

Oscar:Pizza is a food, not a party component. By that logic, a grocery store is a party.

Robert:You know what? You guys actually did a great job on this project.

Dwight:Really? Thank you, sir!

Kevin:Yeah, we worked hard on it.

Robert:I shouldn't have said that.

Kevin:You guys are all losers and I don't want to hang out with any of you anymore.

Pam:Oh my god, Kevin just texted the group chat.

Pam:I was cute in high school. I was the cute receptionist. Now I'm just... a fat mom.

Erin:You know what? You're beautiful just the way you are. Keep your chin up!

Erin:Wait... did I just make a joke about your chin? I'm so sorry, Pam.

Jim:Okay, so first you're gonna want to preheat the oven to 375, loser.

Jim:Then you'll add the ingredients in this order, loser.

Jim:Make sure you mix it well, loser.

Jim:And then just pop it in the oven for about 20 minutes, loser.

Andy:You know, being manager isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes I miss the freedom of just being a salesman, you know? Just... doing whatever I wanted.

Andy:I mean, I could really go for just getting down and dirty without anyone watching me.

Andy:You know, getting my hands dirty. Doing some real work. That's all I meant.

Robert California:Wasting time on meaningless tasks, gossiping about coworkers, checking their phones every thirty seconds, pretending to work while actually doing nothing of value.

Jim:So... you just described a normal Tuesday?

Andy:Stanley is a dedicated employee who shows up every single day.

Andy:He's reliable, dependable, and frankly, I think he's been unfairly characterized.

Andy:Sure, he keeps to himself. Sure, he seems irritable most of the time.

Andy:And yes, maybe he doesn't go out of his way to be pleasant to anyone.

Andy:But the man has never missed a pretzel day without complaining about it.

Andy:Meredith, I have to say, you really know how to work it.

Meredith:Thanks, Andy.

Andy:I mean, the way you take it from behind, the positions you get yourself into... it's impressive.

Meredith:I do my best.

Andy:And you're always ready to go multiple times a day.

Meredith:That's the job.

Robert California:Columbus Day celebrates a man who committed genocide.

Andy Bernard:Yeah, well, a long weekend is a long weekend.

Pam:I know it's not very good...

Jim:Are you kidding? This is amazing.