The List

Andy:Planking is one of those things where, hey, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.

Andy:Robert California took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him CEO. Her own job. He talked her out of her own job and I don't really know how someone does that.

Andy:Pause/beat before Andy reveals he got the manager job — 'and he chose...' followed by silence and then a cut to Andy.

Andy:True, I might have been the second choice, but I was the first choice's first choice.

Andy · Dwight:I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer.

Kevin · Andy:Kevin is planking on something (likely a desk or copier), can't get down, and Andy has to intervene — 'This has got to stop. / I can't get down. / Ke-- Kevin!'

Dwight:I've upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing, lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week, krav maga four times a week, an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise, and again at sunset. So yeah... I'm doing great.

Andy · Pam:Oh, yeah, pregnant. Right here. Little Michael Scott. / Nope. I told you I don't like that joke.

Andy:Look! It's, uh, little pregs and big pregs.

Angela:I'm having a child with my husband the senator, and Pam is having a child with Jim... The great salesman.

Andy · Darryl:Hoist him aloft! Come on, Darryl! Lift, lift, Darryl.

Darryl:Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got something much better... This soda. This is mine.

Stanley:It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt!

Stanley:I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do something. I go on with a long description and then I say, 'and shove it up your butt!' It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

Andy · Dwight:Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this? / Say no more.

Andy · Dwight:Andy asks Dwight to handle the planking situation. Dwight: 'Say no more.' — followed by scene of Dwight throwing plankers off surfaces.

Dwight:Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous. Especially with me around.

Jim · Pam:Why do you keep watching it if you know it's just going to make you cry? / Because everything makes me cry, so what's the difference?

Jim:The new CEO does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's going to zero in on for these really intense small talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet you hope it is you too. It's strange.

Erin · Robert:Well, I woke up, and-- / Erin, when you recount your day, never say you woke up, it's a waste of your time. That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man.

Andy:Andy barges in on Robert and Erin's intense conversation to announce a scheduled 'casual chitchat' that he emailed Robert to confirm.

Andy:First item on the agenda -- Can I get everyone an extra long Columbus day weekend? Item number two -- Connect with the guy. Robert California -- What does he think of me? Don't know. Super care. Number three, time permitting -- we lost our biggest client.

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam discover Robert's notebook at reception — Jim signals Pam urgently with exaggerated pantomime (psst, waving, come here gestures)

Kevin · Jim · Phyllis:We need a warning signal. / We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. I can see him right there. We do! / I promise you, we don't need-- / WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! [Kevin shouts, startling Phyllis into an accident]

Kevin:What side of the list am I on? / Left. / YES!

Andy:Really great list of names, guys. Thank you so much. Good work.

Dwight:Dwight's list theories: 'This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. And this is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something -- Who would eat who in an alive situation.'

Ryan:Kind of seems like the left side's the side to be on -- me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense, Pam.

Ryan:Don't be such a right-sider.

Robert:Yes-- for God's sake, Andy-- yes, come in.

Robert · Andy:You read my notebook, and-- and photocopied it, and distributed it. / No. / They did, and they asked me to ask about it.

Andy · Robert:And by the way, I am so glad I asked. / Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Andy · Stanley:Stanley, you do puzzles all day. What do we got? / Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and shove it up your butt!

Erin · Jim:I know! It's alphabetical. / No. No, it's not.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight lines up the groups and announces: 'Attack!' then launches himself at the other group before anyone can react. Jim: 'Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop.'

Andy:Well, we should all be really excited about our... Very own pizza party.

Kevin:Pizza party! ♪ Pizza party ♪ ♪ pizza party... ♪

Robert · Jim:The complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree? / Yeah. She does like Elmo.

Dwight · Angela · Kevin:'Cultural ghetto'? / Totally, totally agree. / Completely. / Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.

Kevin:The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling. / I should not be here. I'm in the-- I was in the wrong-- I'm sorry. Just picture me back there. I-I was never here.

Andy · Oscar:Great group! Pizza party! / How is this a pizza party? / Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here? / Yeah, well that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.

Robert California · Dwight · Jim:Robert describes Margherita pizza to the winners' lunch — 'Fresh tomato, with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.' Multiple people: 'That's pizza.' 'That's regular pizza.'

Kevin · Robert:What made you pick this group? / I just think you guys are winners, and I wanted to have lunch with you. / Well, what about the other guys? Losers? Come on. / Come on, come on. / No. Well... I guess I think they're losers.

Robert:Probably shouldn't have said that.

Pam:Oh, text from Jim. 'This is getting very weird. Will explain later.'

Andy:Okay, now clearing the obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better?

Pam:I used to be young and cute and sort of funny, and I could do those cute little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, 'Who's that receptionist? I like her.' Now I'm just a fat mom.

Andy:Come here, Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously.

Andy:Andy comforting Pam: 'Chins up, okay?' — then immediately: 'Bad joke.'

Jim:Hey, guys, we had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out and got to know each other better. How was your lunch?

Robert California · Andy · Jim · Meredith:Winners return from lunch. Everyone claims they had an incredible time. Meredith/Pam: 'It was excellent.' 'Good times.' 'Yeah? Yeah?' 'Oh, we did.' 'It was the best time.' Robert: 'And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too, Andy.'

Andy · Pam:Is everything all right? / Yeah, I'm fine. [clearly not fine]

Andy:When I was a salesman, I could just be like, 'not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course. But now... it is my job, and my prob.

Robert:I said 'winners' and 'losers.' Is that what you're talking about?

Robert:Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues, and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all.

Robert:Winners, prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.

Jim · Andy:Andy, don't go in there! / I'm going in there.

Robert · Andy:I'm not going to change my list, Andy, and I don't use ballpoint pens. / Well, then I will make a new list for you.

Andy:You may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?

Robert:I did not know about the sales figures.

Andy:Meredith Palmer, supplier relations -- The word 'no,' not even in her vocabulary.

Andy · Robert:And just to show you that I'm being fair, you had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is... / Astute. Good call.

Andy · Robert:The Friday before Columbus day — we're going to take a half-day so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend. / You want a 3 1/2 day weekend for Columbus day. / Yes, I do. / And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of native Americans. / I don't care.

Andy · Office Worker:So Columbus day -- We got that half-day on Friday. / We get that every year. / Well, you got it this year too.

Andy · Jim · Pam · Dwight:End-of-day goodbyes — everyone says 'Good night, Andy' as he leaves last, slightly excluded from the warmth of the group departures

Jim · Pam:Oh, uh, you dropped something! [Jim has left a hand-drawn version of Pam's 'cute little cartoons' on the ground for her to find]