The Incentive

Kevin:Kevin responding to a normal workplace question with 'Me do it now. Go. Stop worry'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.'

Oscar:Oscar's intellectual over-analysis: 'He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.'

Kevin:Kevin's mechanic analogy: 'Me mechanic not speak English but he know what me mean when me say Car no go. And we best friends.'

Andy:Andy's warning: 'basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Many small time make big time.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy: 'What are you going to do with all this time?' Kevin: 'See world.'

Andy · Kevin:Andy: 'Kevin, are you saying "see the world" or SeaWorld?'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'When me president they see.' — then cuts to Kevin sitting in silence for 5 seconds.

Dwight · Jim · Andy:The Sabre Pyramid tablet: absurd weight, battery pack requirements, and memory measured in 'L' (a unit nobody recognizes)

Andy · Jim:Andy interrupting Dwight's meeting about a failing product to ask about tie clips and calling Jim 'C-Span'

Andy · Jim:Andy explains 'C-Span' = Cocker Spaniel, 'Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline, Cocker because—' [cut off]

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Here's how I'm going to help out from now on. I'm going to not care. And I'm going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.'

Robert California · Andy:Robert California referring to Jim as 'Your friend Neil Patrick Harris' to Andy

Andy · Erin · Darryl:The nickname chain: Erin calls Andy 'D Dog,' Andy approves it, tells Erin she's 'E Dog,' the whole office adopts dog names

Andy · Darryl:Andy describing sleeping with his ex-wife: 'Yeah, we had a few fights I suppose, but last night we put a lot of that to bed.'

Andy:Andy: 'I can't tell you what I did with my ex-wife last night. I have to sing it.' — then sings about their shower together

Andy · Andy's father:Andy's father walks in mid-song, just as Andy is singing about being naked with his ex-wife

Andy:'Oh. Hi, Dad. Oh, boy.' — someone walks in while Andy is mid-song about his sex life

Robert California · Andy:Robert California: 'Andy, do you know why I chose you? I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor.' Andy: 'Vanilla?' Robert: 'Vanilla? No.'

Robert California · Andy:Robert: 'You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess.' Andy: 'You were saying you chose me. There was a reason.'

Andy · Robert California:Andy serving Robert a freezing cup of old coffee and drinking it himself: 'I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. Mmm.'

Robert California · Jim:Robert to Jim: 'I'm afraid you've lost my interest. Let me call you back. I got to go.' — hanging up mid-sentence

Robert California:Robert's motivational speech: 'If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?'

Robert · Jim:Robert's motivational speech: 'If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?' — followed by uncomfortable silence, then: 'Yeah. This is where we go.'

Andy · Robert California:Andy: 'You got it. Double.' Robert: 'Done.' Andy: 'I'm not kidding.' Robert: 'Neither am I.' Andy: 'It's already done.' [pause] 'I'm just kidding. It's going to take some time. Double.'

Andy · Robert California:Andy: 'Double. Done.' Robert: 'I'm not kidding.' Andy: 'Neither am I. It's already done.' [beat] 'I'm just kidding. It's going to take some time. Double.'

Andy · Dwight · Jim · Oscar:Andy's 'rap session' — gathering the team for a 'little rap session to talk about business' that has no agenda and no ideas

Andy · Jim · Dwight · Phyllis · Stanley:Andy's 'rap session' with the salespeople: 'Just thought we'd have a little rap session. Talk about business. See how things are going.' followed by awkward silence.

Darryl:Darryl: 'I was just thinking about Robert. Man, what a boss. Just throws down goals, you know?' — clearly sycophantic with nothing of substance to add

Jim · Oscar · Andy:Jim: 'If we could just double our sales, we already would have.' Oscar: 'You're not making any sense.' Jim: 'He brings up two good points.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'We could talk about how fast children grow up and before you know it they're out of the house.'

Jim:Jim's 'Tuna' and 'Fart' contributions — sitting at the meeting but reducing his input to single random words: 'Tuna.' ... 'Fart.'

Andy:Andy wraps up the pointless meeting with 'Good sesh' and someone says 'That leg's asleep'

Darryl · Val:Val catching Darryl apparently faxing (or doing something suspicious); his panicked 'Don't—' and disclaimer 'I'm using the fax. This isn't... No, wait. I'm not supposed to represent the company, right?'

Darryl · Justine:Darryl's new girlfriend Justine mistakes a random person for Darryl at the fax machine; Darryl talking-head: 'Rub a dub, dub, apricot scrub'

Darryl · Justine:Darryl leading Justine away with: 'I've been thinking about you all morning. I don't know what you did. I can barely walk today.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy to Dwight: 'D Bone, there you are. Let me guess — somebody needs a brownie. Lick the spoon?'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight complaining about profits: 'I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.' Andy: 'I know, right? Yeah.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'I made some inroads in salad but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy pivots: 'Got to be some way you could double your beet sales.' — applying Robert's impossible target to Dwight's farm as if it's advice, then: 'You wanted the job, the job is yours, just do the job. And I'll do mine.'

Pam · Jim:Pam showing Jim an issue of Parenting magazine: 'This is CeCe's favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies. She looks at it when she's on the potty and she makes the faces.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's guilty reaction when Pam asks if he's 'read' the article on walking while pregnant: 'I flipped through it.'

Jim:Jim says he always wanted to be thanked for coming into a meeting and never was, so he's going to thank people now.

Andy · Office Staff:The reveal of Andy's incentive prizes under the blanket — a pile of kids' toys, a vibrator, and random items

Oscar · Andy:Oscar's immediate deconstruction: 'It seems like a basic reward system where you give us points and then we redeem those points for prizes.' Andy: 'You're exactly right. And you get a point.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith: 'Oh. Uh, is that a vibrator?' Andy: '20 points.'

Meredith · Andy:Meredith: 'Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.' Andy: 'There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, 22 points.'

Stanley · Andy:Stanley: 'How about you want us to work harder, pay us more.' Andy: 'I can't.'

Andy:Andy: 'I didn't mean to offend you and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very very "sari." 16 points.' [holds up a sari]

Office Staff:Someone notes: 'That's a tablecloth.' — correcting Andy's sari

Andy:Andy escalating the incentive system: 'For 500 points, I will wear a dress to work.'

Andy:Andy: 'For 1,000 points, I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding dong.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head about Stanley: 'I sat next to Stanley for years and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down.'

Jim:Jim's casual revelation: 'Oh, 100%. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.'

Andy · Jim:Andy: 'I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.' Jim: 'No. You definitely weren't kidding. That came across loud and clear.'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight handing in 120 points: 'Yeah. Big sale. Don't worry about it though. I don't really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though.'

Kevin · unknown coworker:Kevin at his desk: 'Hey, Kevin, what are you doing?' Kevin: 'Don't talk to me.'

Andy:Andy calling a professor he found in a management book ('Management' by Professor Frank) to ask about 'de-incentivizing strategies' and describing himself as being in a 'classic ass-tattoo-incentive situation'

Andy:Andy's response to learning the office hit 5,000 points in one day: 'Took 'em one day.'

Andy:Andy's car as a prize: 'My car. For 1,000 points. Or best offer.'

Phyllis · Office Staff:Phyllis's tattoo design: something coming out of a butt — presumably a baby — eliciting 'Oh! So nasty, Phyllis. Oh my God.'

Andy · Office Staff:Andy: 'We should think about this. Does anyone have any better ideas?' Everyone: 'I like what we have.' 'Yeah, nice try.'

Jim · Andy:Jim to Andy outside: 'Nobody really expects you to go through with this.'

Andy:Andy confessional before the tattoo: 'No one expects me to go through with this, right?' Camera presumably cuts. Beat. Andy: 'Absolutely not.'

Andy:Andy: 'Let's ink my stink.'

Andy:Andy: 'My heart belongs to music but my ass belongs to these people.'

Andy · Tattoo Artist:Tattoo artist: 'Uh, you can keep your pants on actually. If you just drop them down a bit that'd be great.' Andy: 'They are already off my good sir.'

Andy:Andy: 'I think down's better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.'

Andy · Tattoo Artist:Andy: 'This is where I grin and bear it.' [cotton swab touches him] 'Ow, ow!' Artist: 'That was just a cotton swab.' Andy: 'Invest in softer cotton, sir.'

Robert California:Robert's confessional on why he chose Andy: 'Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. It could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes. But then again, it might just be why people fight for him.'

Andy · Tattoo Artist · Office Staff:The reveal of the completed tattoo: 'It's a Nard dog.' 'That's my nickity name! I love it!'

Robert California:Robert California: 'There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.'

Angela · Pam:Angela's ethical dilemma opening: 'Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having. A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant and I don't know if I should call social services about it.'

Pam · Angela:Pam: 'Angela, that's pretty transparently me.' Angela: 'Maybe.'

Jim · Angela:Jim: 'Yeah. I think you should call social services.' Angela: 'I already did.'