Stress Relief

Dwight:Dwight's cold-open talking head explaining his fire safety lecture philosophy: 'PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.'

Dwight:'Today, smoking is going to save lives.'

Oscar:Oscar asks 'Did you bring your jerky in again?' while smoke fills the office, completely missing that there's a fire.

Dwight · Phyllis:'Leave it, woman!' — Dwight to Phyllis when she tries to go back for her purse.

Michael:'Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself!'

Oscar · unnamed coworker:Oscar being pulled through a ceiling tile and then dropped — 'Pull me up! / You're too heavy.'

Angela · employees:Firecrackers go off inside the office — 'The fire's shooting at us!'

Dwight · Stanley · Michael:Dwight blows an air horn and announces 'This has been a test of our emergency preparedness.' Stanley immediately has a heart attack.

Michael:'Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!'

Michael · Jim:Michael attempting to give Stanley mouth-to-mouth: 'He just swallowed his tongue.' / 'Michael! Open your mouth. Don't swallow it!'

Dwight:Dwight's defense in the conference room: 'I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's malapropism spiral: 'heeded of... heeded... take headed of... take heed of' — unable to complete the phrase while insisting on using it.

Michael · David Wallace:'We are not mad, we are just disappointed.' / 'No, we are mad.' / 'Yes, we are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.' / 'Thank you.' / 'No, we're not.'

Michael · David Wallace:Michael whispers 'Can you shove down?' to David Wallace mid-disciplinary meeting, wanting him to move over on the couch.

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a 20-minute meeting in some fancy high rise.'

Michael:Michael: 'I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.'

Michael:'Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital's for. An office is for not dying.'

Michael:'An office is a place where dreams come true.' — delivered after a long, searching pause.

Michael · Stanley · employees:Stanley's return to the office — employees recite his greatest hits of hostile phrases: 'Are you from another planet?' / 'Boy, have you lost your mind? Because I'll help you find it!' / 'Did I stutter?'

Andy:Andy enters with a wheelchair for Stanley: 'A throne for your highness.' — doing a British accent.

Michael:'And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.'

Michael:Michael: 'Red Cross and their racket.' — dismissing the CPR class requirement.

Michael · Rose:The CPR instructor starts the clock — Michael complains it's been 20 seconds; she tells him to 'call it'; he doesn't want to try next.

Michael:'We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working.'

Michael · Stanley:Stanley: 'What are you going to do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?' / Michael: 'I would die.' / 'And you're okay with that?' / 'I'm okay with the logic of it.'

Stanley:Stanley's talking head: 'Yes, I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. And I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.'

Stanley:Stanley's talking-head: 'Yes, I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. And I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.'

Michael · Rose:CPR instructor Rose asks if the dummy is breathing — Michael responds: 'No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.'

Michael:Michael: 'If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?'

Michael · Kevin:'No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.'

Kevin:Kevin asks how to calculate 100 beats per minute: 'I will divide and then count to it.'

Michael:Michael starts singing 'I Will Survive' instead of 'Stayin' Alive' during CPR.

Michael · Andy · employees:The entire office joins in singing 'Stayin' Alive' during CPR chest compressions, turning the training into a group performance.

Rose:After the sing-along, the instructor informs the class that the patient died because no one called 911.

Michael · Rose:Michael: 'Anyone know what we do next? / Rose: 'I have no idea.' / Michael: 'We bury him.' / Rose: 'Wrong! Check for an organ donor card.'

Dwight:Dwight holds the dummy's face up to his own face, Silence of the Lambs-style, and says 'Clarice.'

Creed:'He has no wallet, I checked.' — said by an unknown character, implying someone already searched the dummy's pockets.

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out it's pretty realistic.'

Michael:Michael: 'This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's talking head: 'We don't normally download films illegally because we're honest, hard-working people. And we don't know how. But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'You couldn't have memorized that?' / Dwight: 'I could not, because I do not feel it.'

Michael:Michael defends Stanley's lifestyle choices as the real cause of his heart attack: 'I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise.'

Dwight:Dwight tricks people into signing the statement of regret by disguising it as a sign-in sheet at the roast.

Michael:Michael leads a meditation session: 'Everybody sit on the floor, Indian-style like me.' / 'My God, if you're wearing a dress, please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that.'

Michael:Michael's peaceful music playlist includes a track that sounds like a funeral dirge — 'That one makes me think of death. / It's kind of nice.'

Michael:Michael's guided meditation deteriorates into a description of a castle with men who give you 'a funny cigarette' and then ice cream cravings.

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'Chunky Monkey.' / Stanley: 'Chocolate.' / Michael: 'Racism is dead, Stanley. You can have any kind of ice cream you want.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley's biofeedback machine beeps rapidly when Michael approaches during the meditation exercise.

Oscar · Michael:Oscar's 'That's what she said' joke about the biofeedback machine: 'Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? / That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay.'

Michael:Michael realizes: 'So it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I'm the killer. You never expect that you're the killer. It's a great twist. Great twist.'

Pam:Pam's follow-up: 'What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.'

Michael:Michael's nostalgic talking head about the word 'boss': 'Remember when people used to say "boss" when they described something really cool? Like, "Those shoulder pads are really boss."' — 'It's what made me want to become a boss.'

Michael · Jim:Michael announces the solution to workplace stress is 'honesty, laughter and comedy. In short... a vacation.' Jim: 'What?' / Michael: 'No. I'm talking about a roast of Michael Scott.'

Michael:Michael inviting roast jokes about 'my race, the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer' — listing his own self-image delusions.

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: 'I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry.'

Michael:Michael: 'I've got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.'

Dwight:Dwight introduces Phyllis at the roast: 'Lower the mike for the midget.'

Phyllis:Phyllis's 'You Might Be Michael Scott' roast bit, riffing on Jeff Foxworthy: 'If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott.'

Phyllis · office employees:Phyllis: 'If you ever called the fire department because your head was stuck in your chair...' — audience choruses 'Michael Scott!'

Meredith:Meredith's roast list: 'A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a wood chipper, Kevin, a candle and Lord Voldemort' — things she'd make out with before Michael.

Pam:Pam's roast — delivered as facts: 'Michael, you ran over me with your car.' 'You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said, "Gross."'

Pam:Pam: 'Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.'

Oscar · Toby:Oscar's roast: 'Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.' / Toby: 'Cut off your nose to spider face.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight interrupts the roast to defend Michael: 'You should be bowing down in front of him!' — then gets into an argument with Michael, who calls him an idiot repeatedly.

Michael:Michael's explosion at Dwight: 'Don't you ever talk to me that way, you pathetic short little man. You don't have any friends or any family or any land!'

Jim:Jim's roast: 'Once every hour, someone is involved in an Internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.'

Kevin:Kevin's roast: 'One time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small.' / 'If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle.'

Kevin:Kevin's roast: 'Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself, ever. And one time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small. If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle.'

Michael · David Wallace:Michael can't remember the name of a coworker who gave him a ride home the week before — guesses 'Roy' (who left years ago), then 'Jefferson,' then Michael.

Andy:Andy performs an original song roast of Michael to the tune of 'What I Like About You': 'Stanley tried to die just to get away.'

Michael:Michael's response to the roast: 'Dozens of online IQ tests might prove you wrong...' — defending himself against intelligence jokes.

Michael:Michael: 'My thing isn't tiny, it's average, so get your facts straight.'

Michael:Michael's revenge roast: 'Jim, you're 6'11" and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted.'

Michael:Michael begins his roast counter-attack, pauses, makes a frog-in-throat grunt, and then completely breaks down emotionally and cannot continue.

Jim:Jim's talking head about Michael not coming in: 'My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them.'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin continuing Michael jokes the next day: 'Michael is so dumb he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order.' Jim: 'All right Kevin, enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.'

Pam · Dwight · Kevin:Pam reads Michael's text: 'personnel day.' / 'Are we hiring?' / 'Yeah, you're being replaced.' / 'I think he meant personal day.' / 'I don't know. That's quite a leap, Pam.'

Creed · Jim:'Give it up. He's dead.' / 'He just sent a text.' / 'What's a text?'

Michael:Michael's outdoor talking head: 'Sometimes to get perspective I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away... But he feels sorry for me because he has an incredibly powerful microscope and he can see my face.'

Jim:Jim's non-sequitur self-criticism: 'I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Or an art critic. That painting is bad.'

Michael:Individual 'Boom. Roasted.' insults — Jim: '6'11" and 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body.' / Dwight: 'you're a kiss-ass.' / Pam: 'you failed art school.' / Meredith: 'slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one.' / Kevin: 'I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke.' / Creed: 'your teeth called, your breath stinks.' / Angela: 'I didn't see you behind that grain of rice.' / Stanley: 'you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks.' / Oscar: 'you're gay.' / Andy: 'Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar.'

Michael · Angela:'Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted.'

Michael:Michael's closing: 'You guys are the reason I went into the paper business. Good night, God bless. God bless America. And get home safe.'

Michael:Michael's final talking head: 'They say laughter is the best medicine, so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured.' / '...Actually, better hold on to the pills, just in case.'

Michael:Michael's final talking-head: 'They say that laughter is the best medicine, so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured.' / (pause) / 'Actually, better hold on to the pills, just in case.'